View Full Version : Need help?
ElmarkOFear
12-15-2002, 07:48
[THE OPENING MUSICAL SCORE FOR MTW BLARES FROM YOUR RADIO]
[SUDDENLY A VERY LOUD VOICE BEGINS TO SPEAK]
"Welcome ladies and gentlemen In honor of the Sunday 3v3 clan league a very special person has created the ultimate guide to help you achieve the most fun out of your competition"
"The one and only ElmarkOFear, which most of you know as UglyElmo, has graciously agreed to share some of his vast ignorance of the game with the MTW clan community."
"His new book; "Elmo's MTW guide to losing" is his special way of showing his appreciation to all of those who have tired their men out chasing his all over the map."
"Elmo's men rout so fast, Nike has been sponsoring his armies for the past 2 years. He has the only Online Gaming Shoe contract ever to be offered and his brand, called the "Elmarko", is now worn by all of the staff at CA after their crushing defeat at the hands of Mag, Koc, and Amp."
"Tired of winning? Do you like to be humbled? Is your credit card bill for your favorite 1-900-SPANKME number getting out of hand? Then "Elmo's Guide To Losing" is for you"
"After intensive study of every faction's strengths and each unit's most powerful upgrades, Elmo shows you how these overpowering armies can best be played to minimize their effectiveness."
"As a special bonus, Elmo provides secret insights into 2v2 and up teamplay. For example: You will learn how to severely hamper your team's ability to win, while placing the blame on your partners."
"Elmo even offers a money back guarantee if you are not completely dissatisfied with your play after reading his book. So call 1-800-WIN-LESS now and you will also receive his extra special guide; "Upgrades are for Wimps". In this guide you will learn the merits of the 16 unit peasant army, the all missile army, and his personal favorite . . the 16 camel archer lush environment rush army."
"And if you act now, you will also receive as an added bonus; "Elmo's 10 Best Ways To Test The Effectiveness Of Your Partners' Anger Management Classes" cassette tape. In it you will learn to:
1. Rush at the beginning of the game.
2. Camp while your partners get slaughtered.
3. Use public chat to ask; "Why do you 2 want to double- team the guy on your side of the map?"
4. Blame your partners for you loss.
5. Escape after only one of your units are routed.
6. Escape midway through the game when your hosting.
7. Focus your artillery on the enemy after your parnter has engaged them in hand-to-hand combat thus killing his general and routing his whole army.
8. Rout your whole army through both you partners' armies taking them with you.
9. Call your partner a moron for not helping you when you rush your all val 0 peasant army at 2 full enemy armies.
10. To tell everyone on your team how you think UglyElmo is the best player in MTW, thus hindering their performance due to their sudden uncontrollable wretching."
"But there's even more Elmo will further increase your enjoyment of the game by his video tape of "The Best Ways To Worry Your Partners Before A Match". Watching it will show you many successful techniques to maximize team anxiety. Here are just a few:
1. Brag about how putting your footsoldiers in skirmish formation rocks
2. Tell your partners you have been training with Elmo.
3. Ask your teammates where the "Rout All" button is.
4. Explain to them that you have an all missile army.
5. Inquire on how to chat in game.
6. Tell them the UGLYs wouldn't let you become a member.
7. Excitedly tell them the Wolve clan would.
8. Boast about how people compare your play to ANN-mortogs.
9. State that you can't believe how well this turn-based multiplayer game plays over your 28k modem.
10. Tell them that all the RTK clan has you on ignore.
11. Brag about how you like to let the enemy waste all his arbalestor arrows on your val 4 lancer cav units.
12. Explain to them how you like to put your whole rush army in loose formation because it; "LOOKS KEWL"
and last, but not least . . . Excitedly explain to them how one day you will finally be able to beat Elmo."
"SO CALL NOW OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY"
[MUSIC FADES AS THE WORLDS FASTEST TALKING MAN EXPLAINS HOW ELMO INC. CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY LOSS OF SANITY OR HAIR LOSS ETC., ETC . . . .]
Kongamato
12-15-2002, 08:12
I dont need a guide to lose as bad as you do. Maybe if you added a section on crashing at the worst time possible, I could give it an expert analysis. Its not that I'm doing that bad, but my 2Khz, 3Amc, 4Jhi, 4Ji, 3Fww army is not as mighty as I need my army to be.
Here's the deal then. I will fix my crashes, build an incredibly mighty army, march over all in my way, and then, maybe, I will need your guidance to lose.
ROFLMAO http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
Tomisama
12-15-2002, 09:01
Oh my God Elmo, he he haw, cant stop laughing, he he. Oh man, haw haw, that was totally precious, he he he haw, snort short, cough cough. Phew Wow My brother, you still got it You are the greatest Numero uno, no doubt about it Thanks, I really needed that, he he.
And Elm, let me be the first to say that I would be proud to run with you any where, any time, any direction, he he, just lead the way, I’m right behind you http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif
LMAO http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/mecry.gif LMAO http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/mecry.gif
ElmarkOFear
12-15-2002, 09:21
Elmo had noticed a serious lack of joviality amongst many MTW players and decided to do something about it http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif My motto is: "Losing is half the fun . . . the other half is blaming your partners"
Nobunaga0611
12-15-2002, 09:46
lol vey nice elmo. What people fail to realize is that you usually get as many kills as you do losses. Just because you rush at the beginning of the game, and get booted first doesn't mean you don't get the most kills http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif
Quote[/b] (ElmarkOFear @ Dec. 14 2002,19:48)]8. Boast about how people compare your play to ANN-mortogs.
ROTFLMAO http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/joker.gif
OMG Elmo, you should do this more often, with these kinds of guide who would want to win ? http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
LLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL ROFL http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/joker.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/joker.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
Crandaeolon
12-15-2002, 13:58
ROFL Arrgh... hnngh... *cough* *cough* Heh heh heh auugh...
Elmo, that was almost too cruel. Can't ya understand there may be sick people reading these forums, and laughing too hard might rupture their spleens? http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
Once I recover and see ya online, please remind me to ask for your blood. This lifted an ill man's spirits so much that it must be rewarded with a proper battle that paints the landscape in beautiful hues of red http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/joker.gif
Oh well, buh-bye for now. *creeps back into sarcophagus*
Elmo thats surely a ugly post http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/rolleyes.gif
Major Robert Dump
12-15-2002, 15:56
UglyElmo: Damnit, Dump, you routed my army
UglyDumpster: What? My men are all off the field and I'm just watching
Seriously, Elm, you should make a video or a book on tape. I don't reed good.
I always blame Elmo for my losts, whether or not he was on my team or not (even when he was not in the game).
Annie http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/mecry.gif after laughing too much
youssof_Toda
12-15-2002, 21:31
I want my money back Elmo After reading ur guide carefully and using ur tricks in practice I actually won more battles than I did before
ElmarkOFear
12-15-2002, 22:35
Yousoff, I will send you the extra special "Elmo Swimsuit Addition", which will guarantee you many losses in the coming weeks. You will learn valuable tidbits to insure you a quick loss such as:
Telling your partners that if you win you will celebrate by sending them naked pics of Elmo. You will be able to hear the screams all the way across the internet
Setting up backwards on the side of the map in a 4v4, with your general archer unit mooning the enemy's 8 units of lancer cav and 6 arbs.
Telling your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband that they can kiss your arse if they think you are going to let them get on the computer to order their Prozac over the internet. ***DISCLAIMER*** ELMO NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DAMAGE TO EQUIPMENT OR BODILY HARM FROM BEING THROWN OUT OF SECOND STORY WINDOW
Holding the low ground and attacking in woods with cav. archers.
Playing with at least 2 Uglys as your partners.
Playing with Macajor as one of your partners.
Playing a seige game on a large castle map, in snow, with a 5 minute time limit, early period, with an all seige weapon army.
Playing Magyakhan after calling his all cav army the "Shetland Pony Express"
Playing AMP after telling him his All Cav Army is wimpy.
Playing AMP after calling his all foot rush army "stupid"
Playing AMP after calling him a weak newbie.
Playing AMP.
Playing Kocmoc after telling him there are no imbalances in multiplay and he is crazy if he thinks there are
Asking UglyDump for advice on army selection.
and many many more
1dread1lahll
12-16-2002, 07:44
Had an ally bring six longbowmen to a High game (4v4), After 45 secounds into the game he declaired could not wait anymore and was going to attack (we were the defenders) his intire army loose formation, archers leading the way, attacking three opponents. The following disaster was my fault for not "supporting his attack".......was a glorious sight though......
Kongamato
12-16-2002, 08:15
Quote[/b] (1dread1lahll @ Dec. 16 2002,00:44)]Had an ally bring six longbowmen to a High game (4v4), After 45 secounds into the game he declaired could not wait anymore and was going to attack (we were the defenders) his intire army loose formation, archers leading the way, attacking three opponents. The following disaster was my fault for not "supporting his attack".......was a glorious sight though......
http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/angry.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/pissed.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/mad.gif
[QUOTE]
I can't take it anymore
This rant has been months in the making...
I tried to hold it back...
But no...
Ok, here we go. Back in summer when I was obsessed with this game and posted at the .com and helped all of the new guys, a dedicated few posters stood out from the rest. These few were so nationalistic and full of historical lies that they would declare a holy war if the special unit from their forefathers' faction was not completely invincible. If ONE MAN out of the special unit of their faction could not rout and kill an entire army by himself, it would be a slap to the face of their country which could only be avenged by the boycotting of the game and public execution of the developers. And they had page-long cut-and-paste articles from "history website X" to "prove" it in their hourly posts
So HOW does this relate to the above quotation?
Some people cannot ever believe that losing is THEIR fault. In their minds, if the game was programmed right the Longbowmen would have killed 612 men in their first volley and the enemy army would have (Devastated by English might) as a terminal morale penalty, and would rout along with their allies. Unfortunately, such was not the case, and it, of course, was all lahll's fault for backstabbing him with his inaction.
This thread is great - Elmarko - you have a great talent there - that was hillareous http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
can I ask his posts be stikkied - its a fun way of instructing on the etiquite of team play in total war
Maybe it could be put as part of Dions user manual
great post Mark http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/joker.gif
EEEEEEEPPP
its just like all the old games me and elmo had.. all the competiton to see who could run the fastest.. who had the best all handgunner army... my god this is so scary im going to buy it and frame it..
http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/eek.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/eek.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/eek.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/eek.gif
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http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/eek.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/eek.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/eek.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/eek.gif
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ElmarkOFear
12-17-2002, 08:24
Coming up next, just in time for the holidays, the talking UglyElmo super action figure Details to be released soon, so get your credit cards ready
Swoosh So
12-17-2002, 09:57
Elmo do you play mtw online much?
Yes, he does. He plays every day http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/eek.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/joker.gif
youssof_Toda
12-17-2002, 17:09
That expert knowlegde doens't come out of the blue http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif.
ElmarkOFear
12-18-2002, 08:38
Elmo has delved deep into the Zen of Losing. He has contemplated Bad Mojo. He has studied Bad Karma in all its forms . . . . and has fully embraced each and every one into his army selection, formations, strategy and team play. LOL Bad Mojo has actually been shortened. Its original nomenclature was Bad ELMO-jo, but it was too hard for the natives to say, since they had those big bamboo sticks through their upper lips. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif
Major Robert Dump
12-19-2002, 10:18
If you pull the string on the Elmo action figure he says:
"Kick me in the nuts Do it Do it"
Swoosh So
12-19-2002, 10:28
Look cut the crap
We all know elmo does modelling for giorgio armani
http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/wave.gif
ElmarkOFear
12-19-2002, 18:42
Yes swoosh I modeled for Armani . . their headless mannequins are made in my image. They would have had a head, but the sculptor couldn't bear to look at me for any length of time and finally gave up. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif
Swoosh So
12-26-2002, 10:58
http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/flirt.gif
youssof_Toda
12-26-2002, 12:04
Hehe elmo you seem to have some followers in the foyer. Yesterday someone1 rushed against us in a 3v3 with 16 0 valour spears (
ElmarkOFear
12-30-2002, 01:03
LOL I hate competition Elmo must think of new and improved ways to hvae his army rout off map http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif
Har har har har har har
*ow*
The worst part is that I can identify with some of that stuff. Oh, my poor allies...
ElmarkOFear
01-07-2003, 09:27
My allies have been cursing my name for many a year now http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif hehe
ElmarkOFear
01-12-2003, 09:25
Elmo needs money to pay Christmas bills If you act now Elmo will throw in a free White flag to use when you surrender to the enemy. I may just have to write another book. It will be titled: "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Routing But Were Afraid To Ask". It worked for Woody Allen maybe it will work for me. I can't wait for the movie rights Also, for the next 3 callers, Elmo will give them a free pass to see his men performing in their next Nike shoe commercial. My men run so fast, Michael Jordan is jealous of them Woohooo I can hear the phones ringing now
I could do with some new Nike Shoes..Send me a spare pair plzs http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/flirt.gif
Mithrandir
01-12-2003, 17:25
Those numbers didnt work http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/frown.gif.
Please post an expansion pack preview Elmo...
because ....ROFL http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif.
LadyAnn, true to her word, did in fact blame Elmo for a loss in 4v4 yesterday even though he wasn't in the game. At least we don't think he was in the game, but there was an unknown in there. Does she know something we don't? Could it be that Elmo is using all kinds of undercover names and going into your games and loosing? This makes sense since I know Elmo plays 24/7 but I only see his UglyElmo name late at night. He must be using other names the rest of the time. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif
I think Elmo was undercover trying out his new English army in my 3v3 yesterday where my ally took 16 longbows, and told me to protect his guys with my two cav. He had an all ranged army, and Elmo is noted for that. I got blown away by a double team in about 2 minutes. I had nothing left and was out, so I escaped. After the game, my ally said he wouldn't play with escapers anymore. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif
ElmarkOFear
01-12-2003, 19:34
Did the player with all the longbows have two peasant units to sacrifice to the enemy arbalestors? Nope? Then it couldn't have been me My peasants really hate me, but they absorb enemy fire so nicely. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif Besides I would never accuse you of escaping and say I wouldn't play with you again . . . I would have laughed at you and joined all your games with my dreaded val 0 murabitin army woohoo
LadyAn can blame me for her losses without me being in the game because she was the first to buy my new book I even sent her the ElmoHead BobbleHead figure with super routing action I am glad to see my work is paying off and players are learning to enjoy the art of losing horribly.
youssof_Toda
01-13-2003, 01:09
Quote[/b] (ElmarkOFear @ Dec. 15 2002,15:35)]Yousoff, I will send you the extra special "Elmo Swimsuit Addition", which will guarantee you many losses in the coming weeks. You will learn valuable tidbits to insure you a quick loss such as:
It's still not working, that white flag ur talking about is a nice present but I need to get routed first. Do you have some sort of masterclass?
ElmarkOFear
01-13-2003, 05:58
I have my beginners book entitled: "Routing for Dummies" I will send you a copy http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif
Sound Good send me a copy 2 http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/cool.gif
Is it copy right? http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/joker.gif
ElmarkOFear
01-17-2003, 09:19
For you Fast ole buddy, I will even send you a T-shirt that has my most famous quote on it; "Winning is for Losers" Enjoy
Losing is typically my fault when I play.....that is unless I play with Elmo....in which case.....ummmmmm..... http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/rolleyes.gif ....it's still my fault
of course I purchased all of elmo's material.....rushed order of course....I even got an advance copy of a couple of em. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/dizzy.gif
ElmarkOFear
01-31-2003, 10:08
Coach, since you have advanced so quickly. Elmo will send you his newest book; "Vacationing Vikings Vexate Various Victorian Vamps Very Vociferously: A tongue twisting guide to entertain yourself as your men rout off the Viking Invasion field of battle." Enjoy http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif
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