The Festive Adventures of Princess Eleanor

[frogbeastegg]

The Festive Adventures of Princess EleanorBeing the obligatory Christmas special that any series has to have.

The background bit for those who haven’t read the The Machiavellian Adventures of Princess Eleanor (http://www.totalwar.org/cgi-bin/forum/ikonboard.cgi?act=ST;f=24;t=12709) Tale 4: True Worth – that would be everyone because I haven’t finished it yet http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/tongue.gif
This story takes place in a small, rundown castle in Hiddulth, Fulk’s new fief. Yes, Fulk is now a knight but why is none of your business Along with the new status comes a slightly different name, he has been granted his fathers name of Destier (instead of the old Fitzwilliam), along with his Father’s coat of arms. Eleanor had her left arm sliced open during a screwed up mission and they have been ordered to stay put until she is healed completely, after all a wounded princess raises odd questions. Besides she nearly dropped dead so she can’t exactly travel. The king’s messenger she nearly killed was delivering the letters ordering them to stay put but lets say the delivery was a bit rude and she thought she was going to die. Fun http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif This is about 2 weeks after the mission ended and a week after the messenger, so that is 2 weeks of healing time making her not exactly sprightly but not nearly as sick, miserable and bored as she is at the end of Tale 4. Good, she tends to do idiotic things when she is bored out of her mind and semi delirious and that drives me crazy even if the dialogue is damnably funny As is plainly obvious to anyone who has read the Machiavellian Adventures Of Princess Eleanor their annoying little romance has moved on a bit from the last tale, you have missed nothing….and everything. All together now Aaahhhh how sweeeeeet, or perhaps Bleergghh depending on how you feel. I lean towards Bleerrgghh because I had plans for this series before they wrecked it with their stupid feelings. The darker tone the series has picked up in tale 4 has been booted out of the door here, well mostly - a few traces remain. Because it is an alternate universe I can do that. That’s all I’m explaining, for the rest you will have to read Tale 4 when it is done.

On now on to the story with all its festive clichés and happy junk because it is Christmas and that is what we are supposed to do. Or something.



Fulk was sat in front of a blazing fire checking his newly repainted shield. He smiled in satisfaction, the paint had dried and the coat of arms was perfect. “Do you ever get tired of playing with your new toy?” inquired a voice from the shadows near the door.
“Why should I, Oh Silent Footed One?” replied Fulk putting the shield down carefully and standing up. “It’s not every day you get knighted”
“True” admitted Eleanor as she closed the door and walked over to the fire, “But it was last week and you weren’t that impressed with it all. Something about being too busy worrying about me to enjoy yourself.”
“Yes, well if you do insist on nearly killing the king’s messenger while being half dead from blood loss I am bound to get worried Besides one of us to worry about your survival and since you don’t seem too bothered that heavy burden falls on me. Which reminds me – how’s the arm? Also sit down before you fall down. Again.”
“Again? What do you mean again? I only fainted once and that was your fault, as you plainly know you curmudgeonly oaf I shall sit if you do and not before, I am not half dead now.”
“As I remember Oh Spirit of Joy you swatted me and reopened that unfortunate wound in your arm” Fulk sat back down and waited for Eleanor to follow suit.
“I only swatted you because you were being so impossibly stupid” Eleanor sat down, being careful not to bang her bandaged left arm, “And since you insist on asking yet again my arm is exactly the same as it was three hours ago – healing.”
“Me? Stupid? As I recall you were the one gazing at me with the misty look in your eyes.” Fulk smirked as Eleanor turned bright red, “Your eyes were so misty it’s a wonder you could see you misty eyed fool” retorted the princess, rather lamely. “Misty eyed fool? Somehow that’s not quite up to your usual standard, Oh Blushing Beacon of Embarrassment,” replied Fulk, plainly enjoying himself. Eleanor cleared her throat and tried to regain her usual poise, “Misty eyes or no misty eyes you were the daft fool who tried to kiss me. You also nearly said ‘love’ with is exceptionally stupid even by your standards Your little switch to ‘like’ wasn’t nearly good enough. And we were stood right next to a window Anyone could have seen us, and word would have wormed its way to my father and somehow I don’t think he would approve of my playing Lancelot and Guinevere with you. In fact I know he wouldn’t and we would be dead within days.”
“Lancelot and Guinevere?” Fulk looked pleased with himself, “well that’s made my day I’m a epic love”
“I didn’t mean it like that I meant being blatantly obvious how we feel about each other and upsetting a king who has a volcanic temper shortly before fleeing the country and winding up dead. In case you haven’t noticed your castle is small and falling to pieces and you don’t have a giant army so unlike that stupid story we wouldn’t be living happy ever after – we wouldn’t be living at all. For some reason nothing screams forbidden love affair louder than rumours of a princess seen kissing a man at arms through the window of a castle tower at twilight on a starry night. Did anyone ever tell you how annoying you are?”
“Hundreds of times Oh Irritated One, but each time it was you who said it. I, um well” Fulk stammered before taking a deep breath and continuing, “er would this be a good time to tell you that you are sat under some mistletoe? And, um you know that er stupid tradition thing…” he trailed off into silence. Eleanor looked up and spotted the offending plant. She detached the throwing star disguised as a crucifix from her necklace and threw it at the plant, cutting it down from the roof beam and caught the sprig of greenery as it fell. She looked at for a second before throwing it into the large open fire and smiled brightly, “So I was. Tell the idiot who stuck that plant there that I want my throwing star back before tomorrow morning. If they cut themselves on the blades getting it out of the beam, well that is their problem.”

Fulk watched the mistletoe burn for a while before changing the subject, “We still haven’t found some of the stuff Meltone stole, he must have a hidden store here in the castle. There are at least 500 florins and several items of jewellery listed on his accounts that we haven’t located.” The princess immediately looked happier, “At last Something to do, sitting around this castle with an arm in a sling and you fussing like a paranoid grandparent is as dull as a collection of nuns So where do you think this treasure vault could be? In the castle, perhaps? You have already searched all the caves and hidey-holes in the fief but the castle hasn’t been searched for hidden rooms yet.”
“Exactly, so you can get the maps out and start looking for possibilities.” Fulk did his best to look innocent, “I wouldn’t know of any hidden rooms in this castle, Meltone altered it a lot over the years. It isn’t the place I grew up in anymore, too much has changed.”
“Really” the princess looked sceptical, “I don’t think this castle could change that much”
“Would I lie to you, Oh Great Dawning Sun? Your lack of trust wounds me.”
“Alright, I’ll go and get the maps” Eleanor stood up and walked to the door, “You stay here and polish your shield some more”
“As you wish, but before you go there’s something you should know” Fulk braced himself, “You’re standing under some mistletoe again” Eleanor looked at the top of the doorframe and frowned. She marched over to Fulk and grabbed his sword before he could stop her, “No wait It wasn’t me who put it there” he protested dodging back out of blade range. “I’m not going to kill you, you dope I’m going to chop that stupid plant down” snapped Eleanor as she moved over to the door and stabbed at the mistletoe. She picked up the remains and threw them on the fire before putting the sword down on one of the chairs. “Two mysteries to solve then - where is the treasure and who is putting all these wretched plants in the castle”
“It must be one of the servants because it isn’t me” protested Fulk, “remember the servants like you because of that knife throwing act you did in the pub when we arrived, maybe they think it’s a nice festive present or something?”
“If I find the person responsible they will be IN my next knife throwing act” with that Eleanor left. “Considering the mess she made out of my tankard with her knife in the pub I pity the poor servant when she finds him.” muttered Fulk to himself, “but then again she’s just a big softy – she wouldn’t actually kill him, just make him wish he was dead At least she isn’t bored anymore, nice to know I can plan holiday activities for a secret agent without being too obvious.”

Nearly an hour later Eleanor reappeared clutching a piece of parchment, “I found it and you were wrong – the treasure is not in the castle. There is an old stone watchtower over on a hill a few miles from here; there is a secret door or some such trickery. I have ordered the servants to saddle two horses and put together some useful items so get moving”
“Watchtower? It’s not supposed to…er that is it’s a bit cold out there and we might freeze. Besides I think Meltone was more likely to keep things in the castle”
“It’s the watchtower so get moving or I’ll go alone and you will sit here worrying that I got eaten by a badger or kidnapped by an invading army of Mongols” Eleanor turned and left and Fulk trailed after her unenthusiastically, “It wasn’t supposed to involve going out into the cold” he moaned to himself, “the treasures hidden in the castle where it is nice and warm My poor feet are going to freeze.”

When they got to the stables the horses were saddled and waiting, the stable boy had disappeared. Eleanor moved over to her horse and groaned. There on the saddle was a piece of mistletoe. “Fulk, when I find that stable boy he’s going to need a bodyguard so I am temporary transferring you to looking after him”
“Why’s that Surprisingly Lethal One?” asked Fulk as he walked over to see what the problem was. “Oh.” Fulk looked at the mistletoe Eleanor was holding between her finger and thumb with an air of studied disgust. “Maybe someone is trying to give us a hint? There’s one on my horse too, I wasn’t going to say anything but since you got one too….”
“Hint?” asked Eleanor tiredly, “Great, a hint. Just what we need. Maybe Father didn’t decide to let us live after all; maybe this is all a cunning plan to get an excuse to kill us. Princess Eleanor and her entanglement with Sir Fulk Destier, the very essence of tragic tales everywhere featuring the two of us as star crossed lovers who become very dead in a hideous and painful way. As excuses go for murder that one is different to the usual accidents in nunneries, drowning, and military campaigns featuring accidental beheading – the bards would squawk about it for years to come.”
“Possibly. Either that or the servants here think we are both in need of a push towards each other – if that’s the case I’m going to take a leaf out of Meltone’s book and string a few up in gibbets. You kill them; I’ll string them up. Fair division of labour?”
“Sounds good to me.” Eleanor dropped the mistletoe into a puddle and mounted her horse, “Lets go, we can kill the servants later.”


Part II: The End to follow when I a) think of some stuff to happen before the sickenly happy ending and b)have time to write it.

[Ludens]

I am good at commenting on stories. So good I usually annoy the hell out of people. So I, too, shall take advantage of the new smileys.

Nice work http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/bigthumb.gif . Very much http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/santa.gif : a brave knight and a homocidal princess. Everyone knows how that will end http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif .

[Mount Suribachi]

Quote[/b] (frogbeastegg @ Dec. 22 2003,21:05)]For some reason nothing screams forbidden love affair louder than rumours of a princess seen kissing a man at arms through the window of a castle tower at twilight on a starry night.
http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/joker.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/joker.gif

Great line http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

I also like


Quote[/b] ]“Lets go, we can kill the servants later.”


http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[frogbeastegg]

By the time they arrived at the watchtower Fulk was beginning to look decidedly unhappy. Dismounting and tethering his horse outside the tower he shot inside and started looking for a fire. “Since we are stuck here for while I can’t see the point in freezing too much.” he explained.
“Oh we don’t need to stay here at all – you know as well as I do that there is nothing here” replied Eleanor sweetly, “perhaps next time you decide to create some kind of adventure holiday for me you will be more discreet, or better yet not bother. You wasted my time searching for some treasure that is located in the hidden room under the northern staircase of the keep; in return I dragged you out here to freeze while I enjoyed the fresh air. Now don’t look so put out, all is fair in love and war, as they say.”
“True” replied Fulk, “but what is this love or war? Seems a bit too fancy for war; you generally chop people up into pieces in war. It’s certainly not love either, not unless you had an ulterior motive in dragging me out here”
“You are very fortunate I know you are joking because if I thought you were serious I would lace your food with that very nasty poison that takes days to slowly burn its way out of the victims stomach.”
“Yes, joking” Fulk laughed nervously “definitely joking What the…” Fulk walked over to the far wall and looked up at the beams. “Let me guess – more mistletoe?” inquired Eleanor. Fulk nodded, “How did that get here? If someone is running around planting this stuff wherever we go how did they get here first?”
“What are we going to do? Whoever is doing this is too close to the truth for comfort”
“Kill them?” supplied Fulk, “That usually works”
“I was serious”
“So was I” replied Fulk gravely, Eleanor looked horrified, “That’s terrible We can’t go around killing people like that” Fulk shrugged, “It’s them or us, which is more important – their life or ours? If this person chooses to betray us we will die a most painful death – as you yourself keep pointing out”
“Well when you put it like that it sounds….just as bad actually. We don’t know who this person is so debating what to do with them is rather academic. In the meantime we continue the same as before and get rid of those confounded plants” Fulk reached up and pulled the mistletoe down and Eleanor took it from him and went outside. There was a small pond a short distance away so she threw the sprig in the pond, eliciting a surprised croak from a frog that was unfortunate enough to be hit by it. The frog stared at her with a wounded expression before diving underwater and swimming away. She went back inside and found Fulk, “Let’s go, there is nothing more to do here”
“Back to the nice large fires of home, there is a sympathetic saint watching over me after all” said Fulk happily; “I shall build a chapel dedicated to them if I ever find out which one it is”
“Oh stop grumbling, you only have yourself to blame.”
“You’re the one with the bright ideas related to making my life uncomfortable Oh Devious Minded One”
“But you are the one who walks into them every time with the blind trust of a particularly slow donkey”
“I am bound to follow you remember, I don’t have much choice Wonder of Wonders”
“And you conveniently forget that I released you from that vow, you absent minded lemming”
“True enough but you forget one detail my Blazing Star – you still haven’t paid me for my services and until you do I have to follow you around”
“And as I tell you, you great armoured can, royalty don’t carry money.” Eleanor grinned wickedly, “You should ask my father for your money, he does pay for everything since he won’t give me an income of my own.”
“I wonder what this father of yours would say, after all I’ve never met him.” Fulk pretended to think hard, “Now let’s see, from the descriptions so far he has a volcanic temper, is rather violent, not much on words and prefers to hit people instead of talk, has problems with his family dropping dead all the time, was shot in the leg and crippled during one of his many French wars, and is blessed with you as his youngest child which can’t do anyone’s mood much good. I wonder what he would say?”
“Hmmm, let me think – I know” Eleanor pulled an exaggeratedly angry face, “’WHAT How dare you ask me for money you saverdly knave RAAGGGHHH You poultroon You cullywobble You are naught but a scrubble’ By now he will be bright purple. ‘I made you a knight and give you the honoured position of royal bodyguard and you repay me thus AAGRRRRGHHH’ Right about this point he will stand up and grab his walking stick and then continue thusly: ‘Damn you to hell you scrimble jawed sluggard Damn you and damn that accursed French crossbowman who shot my leg’ At this point he will wobble and nearly fall over before bellowing: ‘Only a Frenchman would shoot a king with a crossbow, damnable cowards And only a Frenchman would be so incompetent as to miss the king’s body and cripple his leg I shall crush them yet As for you lobscouse I shall show you how I repay treachery’ After wobbling around a lot he will start hitting you with his walking stick, my advice is to crumple and act as though you are in horrible pain, actually that isn’t too difficult. After yelling incoherently for several minutes while battering you he will suddenly remember his sword and try to run you through, this is your cue to run for it. Discretion is the better part of valour at times like this. If you are fast enough he won’t have time to string the longbow he keeps next to his throne so you should be safely away before he can shoot you.”
“You’re exaggerating though, right?” inquired Fulk, “And where did a princess learn such foul language?”
“No exaggeration and that’s where I learned the language I have survived the experience a few times, remember?”
“Your father sounds like a thoroughly pleasant man. I shall not request my pay after all”
“A wise decision, especially since I never agreed to pay you, trundlewit”
“What did I ever do to deserve this?” wailed Fulk melodramatically.
“Always remember that you were the fool who suggested being my bodyguard – I was just going to kill you.”
“Aye but think of how much you’d miss me if you had killed me”
“Not a whit Sir Walking Corpse because, as it is plainly obvious, I don’t even like you I would be much happier if I hadn’t met you”
“Tell that to the mistletoe fairy.”
“I shall, right before I ram its mistletoe down its throat and leave it to choke to death”
“Nice” exclaimed Fulk, “poor fairy – I was going to cut it in two with my sword, much kinder”
“Armoured on the outside, soft and squishy on the inside. What am I talking about – your heart or a cockroach?” replied Eleanor mischievously.
“I think I shall cry” said Fulk dryly, “Lets go home, it’s clear I shall not win this battle. At least back at the castle I can be insulted in the warmth”
“Yes, it is rather chilly out here – I don’t know why you suggested we come here in the first place”
“I give up”

By the time they got back to the castle it was evening and the villagers had assembled in the courtyard for the party Fulk was throwing to uphold his father’s tradition of thanking the rabble for a years toil and giving them something apart from rebellion to talk about during the winter months. Fulk started acting like a host and Eleanor settled in a corner near the bonfire with a glass of mead. The peasants acted like a bunch of peasants on holiday; that is they drank as much as possible while eating the free food and wondering when the entertainment would begin.

Eleanor’s sharp hearing caught a snatch of conversation between to old women, “….riding around the country with no chaperone A disgrace, who knows what might happen”
“Aye and to think she was walking our village in secret Not saying who she was or nothing, a terrible shame that – drinking ale in a tavern like a commoner, and throwing that knife like a gypsy from a fairground Can’t be proper princess, no not like that lovely Adele, now she’s a princess and so pretty. She’s married to the king of Spain you know.”
“Aye, it’s no wonder she’s got a reputation you know, behaving like that” Eleanor drained her glass of mead in one go, That pair could pass for my aunts she thought, tuning the rest of the conversation out. I shall make sure they never meet or I shall not survive the barrage Reputation? What reputation? I shall have to find out precisely which reputation they are talking about, or have I picked up a new one? It’s obviously not the pious reputation, nor the boring one….interesting. I wonder what they would say if they knew Adele isn’t married to the King of Spain now anyway – she had a tragic accident at a nunnery. Still I suppose they can’t be expected to know that, it took me nearly a year to find out myself. Eleanor heard a small whispered argument behind her and listened in, “You ask her” said voice 1
“No you ask her” muttered voice 2
“Well I’m not asking her” replied voice 3
“Look one of us has to We can’t start the dancing without her so someone has to ask her to dance You’re the eldest” whinged voice 2
“So? You’re the handsome one” added voice 1
“Hey guys, I got it Because he’s a lord now Fulk has to ask her” giggled voice 3
“Yeh, great idea Then he’ll be the one risking getting his head cut off if he stands on her toes” chortled voice 2.
Once again, interesting I hate dancing anyway thought Eleanor as the arguers left, I think I shall exit stage left, since I am a gypsy or actor or whatever that pair of old women have decided to label me now. Not much point in staying here stopping only to grab a roast chicken leg Eleanor faded back into the shadows.

“I thought I might find you here” Eleanor turned around and saw Fulk step out of the darker shadows.
“How did you think to look on the top of the north tower? Even by my standards it is an unusual place to end up while avoiding company.” inquired Eleanor.
“It was the strange sight of a piece of mistletoe wafting down the side of the tower, shortly followed by a chicken bone and some very distant cursing about ‘peoples stupid ideas of fun’ that gave me the hint.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have dropped them through a murder hole then, perhaps I should have left them on the ramparts.” Eleanor sighed, “Oh well I can’t be a genius all the time.”
“So the mistletoe fairy struck again?”
“Oh yes. I got up here and there was a spring of mistletoe next to the tower door.”
“Then I think we’d better do something about this person. This is far beyond coincidence and their knowledge is getting dangerous.” growled Fulk, “it’s obviously someone in the village so that narrows things down a little. We must find and silence them, it’s the only way.”
“No, I would rather not cause any more deaths. Anyway this person could be harmless; so far all they have done is leave mistletoe everywhere we go. Annoying certainly, but not enough to kill over.”
“A soft hearted assassin? Eliminating any potential threat should be second nature to you by now, after all a paranoid spy is a live spy.”
“I didn’t exactly choose this line of work – I had to choose between my life and the lives of some strangers who were condemned already. God help me but I chose mine, I don’t want to die”
“And yet you court death now rather than kill a stranger?”
“There has to be a line somewhere. The people I am sent after are traitors, thugs, petty tyrants and they deserve their fates. This person’s only crime is having eyes” Eleanor frowned, “well that and being very annoying”
“Now who’s the softy?”
“You are I know all about your delicate sensitivities when it comes to killing people.”
“You’re right, I don’t like the idea either.” Fulk leaned against the tower ramparts; “If this person stays hidden then they are no real threat, if they try to blackmail us then they head into the justified killing list. A peasant would never reach the king and as long as it is just one person there is not enough rumour to prick a spy’s ears.”
“No and if it does then it is already too late – we would have done something else to raise suspicion” The two sat in silence for a while before Fulk spoke, “Why did you leave the party? I didn’t see you go”
“See me leave?” Eleanor laughed, “I am a spy, an assassin and a secret agent I have been disappearing into shadows without trace all my life It would have been surprising if you had seen me leave The truth is I don’t belong down there so I left rather than make everyone else uncomfortable.”
“But they like you When we were in disguise-”
“Exactly.” interrupted Eleanor, “When we were in disguise and I was your cousin with the humorous ability to throw knives straight through your ale tankard and strange habit of sitting in corners watching everyone. Now they know who I am and they don’t like it – they have all kinds of expectations for a princess and I am none of them. They don’t know what to do now.” Eleanor looked at Fulk earnestly, “Would you want a member of the royal family at your little peasant gathering? Would you want to worry about protocol and all that? I wouldn’t.”
“You’re right, well of course your right – you’re always right” replied Fulk with false cheer before becoming more serious, “Neither of us belong down there, we don’t really belong anywhere. You’re the first and only princess secret agent and I’m an upstart peasant with a small and impoverished fief and a job that few would see as an honour. Bodyguard to the most unpopular princess in Christendom spending my time visiting shrines and praying” Fulk smiled slightly, “well that’s what they think Thankfully the truth is much better.”
“To the high we are beneath notice and to the low we are far above them and we cannot fit in either world” added Eleanor, looking down at the party below them.
“They were my friends” said Fulk sadly, “before I was worried they would call me beanpole like they used to but now I wish they would. ‘Lord Fulk’ is a stranger to them….and to me. Now I know why my father didn’t try to get me a knighthood when he could have. In the end perhaps I was better off as a man at arms. The one thing I want that my rank could provide is beyond my reach, just as it was before.”
“One thing?” Eleanor looked curious, “and what would that be?”
“Can’t you guess? The hand of a certain princess, if she’d agree anyway. I’d rather not die in an inventive way – old age is good enough for me”
“A certain princess?” Eleanor regained a touch of her teasing attitude, “And who would that be? Princess Brunhild? Everyone wants to marry her because there is a rather good portrait going around the courts. Or perhaps princess Isabella? She’s a wealthy heiress and there are a lot of men chasing her.”
“Actually I was thinking of the princess Eleanor” replied Fulk with a slight bow, his own mood picking up.
“Then you would be a fool because everyone knows she is worthless – no money, no great beauty, no amazing talents and more pious than the entire Vatican put together”
“True enough but she does have her moments and that makes up for it all” Fulk sighed and shook his head, “but in the end she is as far out of my reach as any other princess. You may need to be a knight or royal to marry a princess but that knight has to be rich, powerful, and persuasive - at the pinnacle of his social world. A claim to the throne is not given away lightly. I would need to slay a dragon to get that high up and there are no dragons in these parts.”
“There’s always my aunt Ursula – she’s well known for being a dragon Though I doubt you would be rewarded for slaying her, however grateful her beleaguered family may be.”
“I shall take your word for that and not bother slaying the dragon then”
“Notice how we have come full circle to our last conversation like this? And the result is the same – we can do nothing because we cannot go back and undo our meeting, we cannot go forwards because somehow word will get out, it always does. Nothing to do but continue as we are and be careful no one notices the truth of how we feel – much more careful than we were here, the next mistletoe fairy might not be so harmless”
“Wait a minute What’s that in your sleeve?” asked Fulk, catching Eleanor’s right wrist and looking in the hidden dagger sheath. He drew out a sprig of mistletoe and held it up, “Mistletoe. Don’t tell me you’re the one who’s been placing this around everywhere?”
“Of course not” Eleanor looked embarrassed, “There was a second sprig up here on the tower and for some reason I kept it. A reminder perhaps of what I am not” Fulk spun the sprig around thoughtfully for a few seconds, “Speaking of familiar scenes here’s you and me gazing into each other’s eyes probably with a misty eyed look. Except this time you are not half dead, there is no one to see and the world seems less like a story written by a cold hearted bard tonight.” He held the spring up above their heads.
“Oh very well – I suppose we can play Tristan and Iseult for one night”

Down below at the edge of the party an old man looked up at the north tower and grinned a toothless grin as the two barely visible silhouettes embraced. He reached into his waist pouch and pulled out a handful of mistletoe springs and dropped them on the ground, “Looks like my work is done” he mumbled with the air of a satisfied workman, “if ever a pair deserved a happy ending it would be those two. I can’t promise a happy end but a happy evening is possible – none of these young ‘uns will think to look up at the sky tonight, and that is why they miss the stars. Ah life conspires to make bard’s characters of us all”








Traditional festive crap that has to be included by law.
The Sad Bit Where Everyone Goes Ahhhh And Cries: Check. Eleanor gets left out and people say slightly unpleasant things about her, Aaaahhh http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/mecry.gif
The Festive Mystery: Check. Mistletoe fairy.
The Mushy Bit: Check. The ending is so mushy it soaked my computers circuits Having written that load of tripe I am questioning my judgement when I listened to Eleanor’s proposal for a festive special. I think she manipulated me somewhere along the line since this doesn’t resemble the satire it was before her input. The Ghost of Christmas Whatever is missing for a start
The Mysterious Old Man: Check. Is the mistletoe fairy. Also has twinkly eyes and makes our heroes happy. Two birds, one stone.
The Bit With People Drinking: Check. Eleanor downs an entire glass of mead in one go. I admire her guts. I also question her common sense and taste http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/tongue.gif
The Bit With Stumbling Man Trying To Tell Girl How He Feels: Check. Fulk has dialogue. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
The Grumpy One Who Hates Christmas But Gets Her Mind Changed: Check. Eleanor stopped complaining at the end.
The Party: Check. There is a party. With food. And drinks. Also merriment. Whhhooo
The Happy Ending: Check. That’s about the best they get until the end of the series. Happy Happy
A Tree With Decorations: Check. Er it’s not mentioned but there is one and it’s a really good tree. Honest. Would I lie to you? Go on, trust froggy.
The Starry Sky Bit: Check. Is in the ending.
The Author Cameo: Check. Who else would the frog that got hit by the mistletoe be?
The Snow: It is cold, there is frost. Close enough.
The Message For Better Life And Much Joy With Morals: Check. I think that’s in there somewhere….
The Witty Repartee Between Our Heroes With Festive Overtones: Check. If you need this one pointing out then you need eyes. Even if you don’t find it funny the funny bit should be plainly obvious, if only because it is not funny. Mind bending
The Message Against Being Drunk: Check? Er no, not check. Fixing: Eleanor was under the influence when she got chopped up Ha Don’t drink or mad bandits could jump out of nowhere and cut your arm up because you’re too piddly to defend yourself Don’t drink and swordfight If you drink let others fight. Goodnight and kill safe http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif Well I can’t do drink and drive can I? Drink and drive is much more sensible and necessary than drink and fight but there are no cars in 1337
The Remember The Poor And Needy Bit: Check. We have peasants.
The Scary Villain: Check. King William VI of England is one scary bloke Someone throw water on him and melt him like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Something To Do With North: Check. North tower, North pole what’s the difference outside of a lot of snow and several thousand miles?
Presents: Um no, no presents. Uh oh :froggy is arrested by the festive police and dragged away to await charges of being insufficiently festive at the festive time of year, and other crimes involving the word ‘festive’ because that’s what the festive police do. As she sits in her cell froggy keeps looking at her watch and muttering “she’s late” before the guard outside drops unconscious and a certain duo break the frog free. “Now we are even, all debts paid” says the princess, now older and with a scar running through her eyebrow. “I think you owe me rather more for that soppy ending than you may wish princess” says the frog. The man replies with “And you owe us for the window scene frog. All debts are paid.” The frog returns “How much do you owe me for the final ending then? A kingdom, a crown, a civil war, an army of lives and a convenient sunbeam don’t come cheap. Your happiness costs a kingdom and much froggy blood, and that is a debt you can never repay.” To which the princess shoots back “We wouldn’t have needed a river of blood if you were more flexible and writing things you don’t like is good practise, my dear young tadpole” the frog shakes her head sadly, “Such cruelty to your poor bard I shall have to write a slight variation on a few scenes and improve them” The princess just laughs, “You know as well as I do you can change nothing of any import. You may have changed the window scene but only by a few seconds and I know you will be putting it back as it is meant to be.” “Oh no I won’t” retorts the frog. The man steps forward, the dim lighting highlighting his damaged ear, “You will. The tale is not finished yet and it doesn’t work with your change. That and we’ll poison your drink if you don’t” Sayth the frog, “Oh so very polite Mr with the Armour Without my help your story is nothing to no one.” The princess balances her throwing knife on her finger tip and look at the frog with an evil gleam in her eye, “Our story is something to you and that is all that matters – you like it too much to leave it unfinished frog And so you will write it and you will write it as we tell you. If you had been willing to bend the setting a little we would have avoided the full truth, now you know it and you WILL write it. Stay away from restaurants froggy, lest they cook your legs with garlic” and with that the two fade into the shadows again. The frog glares into the darkness and says “bloody princesses” and a knife pinwheels overhead, barely missing the frog. It is followed by an angry voice, “I heard that. Remember we are much more than what we are in your tales, the long years have taught us much and if you think I was a good aim before you have seen nothing” And the shadows flicker as the duo departs once more. The frog sighs and pulls out a quill and starts to scribble on a piece of parchment as she leaves, the work is entitled ‘the window scene mark 28 and a half. How it really happened’.

And that also takes care of the final requirement: The Strange Ending Few Understand That Could Be Real Or Surreal Depending On How Festively Merry (aka Drunk) You Are

Clearing up the little mysteries that all this festive junk leaves.
1)How does the old man get around so darned fast? How does he know where they are going?
Magic? Er no, well he is quite sprightly for an oldie so he can take care of half the castle etc himself. He sent his grandson running to the watchtower earlier in the day so he didn’t have to walk the 10 or so miles there and back. How does he get the mistletoe everywhere they are going? Simple – he has put some in every place they are likely to go

2)Why on earth is the old man doing this anyway?
Because he’s a closet romantic? Because he likes them and being old sees what others ignore? Because it was something to do at a dull time of year? Because, as he says at the end, “if ever a pair deserved a happy ending it would be those two. I can’t promise a happy end but a happy evening is possible – none of these young ‘uns will think to look up at the sky tonight, and that is why they miss the stars. Ah life conspires to make bard’s characters of us all” It is all of those reasons and maybe some more.

3)Ok, ‘stars’ is the old man referring to the sappy couple or the burning balls of gas?
Both. Quite poetic for an old peasant who lives on boiled cabbage

4)What the hell does that bit at the end under ‘presents’ mean anyway? Are you writing while drunk?
No I am not drunk I do not drink because I don’t like the taste of alcohol. If anything I am writing under the influence of sleep deprivation What is it? Simply and ending that is real, fake and somewhere in between. Yes, that is the characters when they are older, yes they do dictate to me like that, and yes in the end Eleanor is right when she says I can change nothing. The window scene is back how they told it after weeks of trying to write it otherwise. :sigh: Oh, and yes she does do that thing with a knife balanced on her fingertip and you will start seeing that soon enough. That’s what is ‘real’ the fake and the in between you can puzzle over for yourselves – I’m not here to give you an easy ride

5)The king of England, was that an accurate impression and if so Dear Lord what on earth is the matter with him?
Yes, that was the king in all his glory. As to what is wrong with him, well good question He hates the French because they crippled him but he conveniently forgets he had the French king assassinated. He moans about French crossbowmen but uses thousands of longbowmen. Yes he does batter people before trying to run them through and shoot them if they run

6)Ok explain all the death threats etc that the princess keeps dishing out – she doesn’t seem very squeamish about killing and then suddenly she doesn’t want to kill a peasant.
Fine. She didn’t want to be an assassin as such but she didn’t have much of a choice. For happy little details featuring technicolour dream sequences reliving key moments see tale 4 when it is done and put in the original Eleanor topic. The death threats etc are a joke that she can only really share with Fulk. The other people who know she is an agent would club her senseless if they heard her talking like that. So what about the rock throwing from tale 3 those other incidents where she has appeared slightly homicidal? Simple – she aimed to miss. She can hit a target 39 times out of 40 so she doesn’t miss by accident. Fulk may duck but that is expected so you would expect her to aim low to compensate but of course she doesn’t.

7)All this family stuff is getting confusing Who the hell is Adele and why did she die? And the aunts – who are they?
Methinks I shall type up the family tree thingy I drew up for reference. It is getting a little complex. Reading tale 4 first does clear up a lot but even so it is getting very complex.



And so ends froggy's little dig at this unpleasant time of year, featuring a tale that will shift over to the series topic and take its chronological place (after tale 4, therefore moving when I finish it) with only a few edits here and there. Holy Heck It's 12:30 AM here I think that took a little longer to finsih than I anticipated.

[frogbeastegg]

Quote[/b] (Ludens @ Dec. 22 2003,21:34)]I am good at commenting on stories. So good I usually annoy the hell out of people. So I, too, shall take advantage of the new smileys.

Nice work http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/bigthumb.gif . Very much http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/santa.gif : a brave knight and a homocidal princess. Everyone knows how that will end http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif .
Feel free to open up and blast my stuff with a 12 bore shotgun If no one criticises it then I shall never improve much. I shall begin hacking it to pieces with a braodsword tomorrow morning so it's not as if I am trying to spare my poor ickle feelings.

[Ludens]

Quote[/b] (frogbeastegg @ Dec. 28 2003,02:00)]I shall begin hacking it to pieces with a broadsword tomorrow morning
I know that feeling so well...
In truth I was only joking when I said that. I can say a dozen things about the story which wouldn't help you one single bit. I'll just say that it is a nice story, and very good for its kind. It does not make the mistake of having only one joke (the brave knight and the homocidal princess), especially after your checklist.

If I have to say something to improve your style (not that it needs much improvement), I would say that you could give the characters more than one mindset. Real people always are driven in 2 different directions by their thoughts. They might be bold, but still have their doubts. Depending on their mood, this balance between courage and cowardice changes. Same for different character traits. The only people who are always in the same mindset are either depressed or manic.
However, as I write this down, I realize that 1) you have already done this in your part II. Yes, I know it was mushy. Yes, I did notice the waterstains under my computercasing. But I makes the duo more like humans.
2) Some people would think it would take away the charm of the story. The best part is where they are both themselves. The part where they are arguing http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif .

You could also give them some interesting, contradictional character trait, which may not be important to the story (perhaps you have something like that planned for further tales?). Example: make Fulk afraid of dogs. Or you can take a look at the vices & virtue list in the download section, and pick a nice vice. In my Persian story, I think about giving Arses the paranoid or though justice vices (because it runs in the family).

Along the same line, add loose storylines. The frog is an example, it didn't serve anything, but it was interesting. Other example: Tolkien: Gimli's song about Durin in the Khazad Dum. In real life, people continually divert their attention with unimportant things. If you add a few to your story, it becomes more real.


So, I have answered with my usual brevity http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif .

Happy new year Froggy.


Edit: removed comma in stupid place. When writing in English, I become a puntuation addict.

[frogbeastegg]

Quote[/b] (Ludens @ Jan. 01 2004,18:21)]
Quote[/b] (frogbeastegg @ Dec. 28 2003,02:00)]I shall begin hacking it to pieces with a broadsword tomorrow morning
I know that feeling so well...
In truth I was only joking when I said that. I can say a dozen things about the story which wouldn't help you one single bit.
Oh, http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/mecry.gif I'm so disappointed.....I'll get over it http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/tongue.gif I think I blunted my sword on this one, I hacked it up so much it will take a lot of work to smooth the chips out of my blade


Quote[/b] ]I'll just say that it is a nice story, and very good for its kind. It does not make the mistake of having only one joke (the brave knight and the homocidal princess), especially after your checklist.

If I have to say something to improve your style (not that it needs much improvement), I would say that you could give the characters more than one mindset. Real people always are driven in 2 different directions by their thoughts. They might be bold, but still have their doubts. Depending on their mood, this balance between courage and cowardice changes. Same for different character traits. The only people who are always in the same mindset are either depressed or manic.
However, as I write this down, I realize that 1) you have already done this in your part II. Yes, I know it was mushy. Yes, I did notice the waterstains under my computercasing. But I makes the duo more like humans.
2) Some people would think it would take away the charm of the story. The best part is where they are both themselves. The part where they are arguing http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif .
Hm, the slightly more complex versions of the characters belong to the darker version of the story, the simple original didn't need the complexity and none of it made sense without the full truth anyway. We certainly get to see rather different sides of the characters as the story goes on, they become much more human. At the moment in tale 3 it seems as if Eleanor is perfect at everything and Fulk is a bit useless but now that is all different. Circumstances catch up with them and she never did learn to swordfight, or blend in as a peasant, or be honest with a lug with a sword and persuade him not to die, or not get herself killed, or to stop viewing death as inevitable, or to...blah blah Fulk gets hit likewise. Plenty more arguing but not all of it in humour, ah so sad to see them end up so miserable...

But no, point taken they were slightly too good at everything and not quite human and that was bugging me as well. To be honest even mean old me is happy to see them enjoying themselves for once, a small island of calm before the storm. Drat, now I sound like I enjoyed writing that pile of mush - I didn't


Quote[/b] ]You could also give them some interesting, contradictional character trait, which may not be important to the story (perhaps you have something like that planned for further tales?). Example: make Fulk afraid of dogs. Or you can take a look at the vices & virtue list in the download section, and pick a nice vice. In my Persian story, I think about giving Arses the paranoid or though justice vices (because it runs in the family).
I suppose in a way they develop that a little more in tale 4 by requirement, you will have to let me know what you think when it is done. Not so much a fear of dogs but a man of his word who will break his word in a major way. Eleanor has this whole 'I don't want to die but it is inevitable' thing and I shall be more than happy to knock that one out of her with a mallet, well I suppose technically Fulk gets that pleasure but he isn't very polite about it and I shall enjoy writing it :insert evil grin here: Not sure if it is enough but you can let me know http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif


Quote[/b] ]Along the same line, add loose storylines. The frog is an example, it didn't serve anything, but it was interesting. Other example: Tolkien: Gimli's song about Durin in the Khazad Dum. In real life, people continually divert their attention with unimportant things. If you add a few to your story, it becomes more real.
The frog was going to be one of the victims of the change over to the proper series. I shall spare the amphibian from the hacket then. Doubtless the frog shall be relieved http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/tongue.gif And so you hit on the biggest cause for dents in my sword's blade - the lack of anything other than dialogue in most of the tale. Description of the party - crap and lacking, how did Fulk spot the mistletoe in her sleeve - left that bit out, no real description of what they are doing as they talk, and so on for rather a long list. It's partly a problem with the way I end up with the story, they just say something like so we are at the party, big bonfire and all that before launching into all that dialogue which I have to rush to note down. There is the occasional scene which they actually show me, as well as telling me about and you can usually tell those apart as they have more detail, for example the bit on top of the tower.

A story within a story isn't a bad idea. Methinks I shall lend one of them my little princess fairytale to tell.....somehow I can't see Fulk telling this one so it will have to be the Suprisingly Leathal One (heh I liked that one )

I shall be redoing this whole tale with a lot more detail.



Quote[/b] ]So, I have answered with my usual brevity http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif .
Likewise http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/tongue.gif


Quote[/b] ]Happy new year, Froggy.
http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/wave.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/birthday.gif

[Specialist290]

Bumped, because 'tis the season etc., and who doesn't like annual rerun Christmas specials? ~;p

[frogbeastegg]

~:eek: Here's a blast from the past! This is based on the original incarnation of Eleanor! I can't believe it's been three years. The evolution from this to my present work is staggering; I've come a long, long way, and so have they.

Anywho, there's a new silly short story for Christmas in my current thread. Dragons and gooseberries and frogs, oh my! (https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showthread.php?p=1364282#post1364282)