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dessa14
01-31-2004, 12:39
National Pride


It was a chilly winter day when I entered the city, and felt the hot steam of the industry and of the nation. My blood pumped with the marching of red flags and national pride for my nation of Aries and its great industrial capital, there were many steam trains running on massive rails. The great industrial marvel was something I had never seen as I was coming from the country and jumping to the great city where gears and chains and pipes were the main features not endless fields and trees like home. The noise of marching and drums came to the ear as well as the noise of trumpets and other brass instruments. I ran over to the edge of a large plaza and saw a massive army dressed in red and carrying the red flag of Aries over their right shoulders. I looked down upon the soldiers from the top of the wall that was on either side of the large paved plaza. As the soldiers marched past, my eyes started to enlarge in a sign of admiration them and sought to join them and serve my country. The red and purple creepers that lined the walls of the plaza were in full bloom and the pavement was littered with the colourful flowers, especially after the passing, as they had been flattened into the cracks and crevices and spread across the pavers.

I ran down the side of plaza, heading for where the soldiers were heading. The avenue I was running down had large sandstone buildings that were on my left side as I sprinted amongst the people to try and realize where the soldiers were going, then all of a sudden I saw it, it froze me in my steps and I was confounded by the size of it. Before my eye’s was a great tower with huge castle walls surrounding it, it was so massive it cast a shadow over a kilometer long along the plaza.

I was still at least five kilometers from the building, and it still seemed to be absurdly high and the towers seemed to be absurd in number, so much so as to be confusing to the eye and mind.
So this was the home of the greatest empire ever, and in no way was it discreet or even modest in the way it was built, great massive elaborate buildings with enough stone to literally destroy mountains, and thousands of these buildings all in a tight little circle which they called a stronghold of the empire, it reminded me of the hugeness of the castle of the giant in jack and the beanstalk.

dessa14
01-31-2004, 12:43
this is a small extract from one of my latest workings and it is not fully finished so it is in need of polish and editing, if you like the story post your opinions here.
if you don't like it and are not going to say anything constructive GO AWAY
constructive critism is alright but may be ignored
thanks dessa

Ludens
01-31-2004, 18:02
What can I say? So far I like it, and I definitely want to read more. But please take your time at polishing it. A good writer is a re-writer http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

dessa14
02-01-2004, 01:34
as far as i knew a good writer was an honest writer, someone who didn't aim for a certain storyline but rather for what they liked. btw was it confusing, i kinda get into it and lose track of readibility, then again i did go over this bit five times checking it.
please post any confusion up so i can quickly repair it.
thanks dessa