View Full Version : Jokes
Kaiser of Arabia
05-11-2004, 15:12
Please no racist ones.
Some Priest ones may be okay, as long as they are not directly offencive, but try to stay clear of them, unless it is not offencive and just funny, like the Preist and the Vodka joke.
Okay, we need a topic like this.
-Capo
octavian
05-11-2004, 17:10
Three brothers in ireland used to frequent a local pub. then one moved to america, and another to australia. the lone brother still went to the pub, but now he ordered three beers, taking a sip from each in turn. the patrons watched him go through his ritual for some time before one of them asked why. one's for my brother in AMerica, one is for my brother in Australia, and one is for me.
FOr a while, the man didn't come into the pub, then one day he finally reappeared. Sitting down at the bar, he ordered two beers. he drank from one, then the other. after a few moments, a bloke came over to him and said, sorry about your bereavement
what bereavement? the brother asked.
well, you only ordered two beers the bloke replied.
the remaining brother held up one mug, This one is for my brother in america. this one is for my brother in australia. as for me, i quit drinking.
Lord Ovaat
05-11-2004, 18:27
Guy pulls up to a red light in his brand new $500,000 custom Ferrari, and notices an old guy on a moped next to him. The old guy looks over and says, My, that sure is a nice car.
You bet. Paid a half million for it, boasted the owner. It can do 320 MPH.
Would you mind my taking a look inside?
Not at all.
The old guy walks over and peeks in, It's just as purdy on the inside. You sure are lucky.
Bet you wish you owned one, don't you?
No, says the old guy, my little bike does everything I want.
The light turns green, and the Ferrari owner floors it with the old guy still standing beside the car. I'll show the old fool, he thought.
He quickly reaches 100 MPH and looks in the mirror to see a tiny dark speck, growing larger & larger. It's the old guy on the moped. Confused, he guns it up to 200MPH. Relaxing, he looks into the mirror again, and there's the little speck, gaining on him. In complete disbelief, he floors it to 300MPH. Seconds later, he looks up and there's the little speck. Totally confused and disgusted, he pulls to the side of the road, with the moped coming up beside him.
What do you want from me? the owner screamed.
Uhh, I was just wondering if you'd mind unhooking my suspenders from your side mirror.
octavian
05-11-2004, 18:31
Quote[/b] (Lord Ovaat @ May 11 2004,13:27)]Uhh, I was just wondering if you'd mind unhooking my suspenders from your side mirror.
rofl http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/bigthumb.gif
The only part of the joke I got was the part that showed it shouldn't be here - Beirut
thrashaholic
03-02-2006, 18:33
heh,
here's one (those of a non-mathematical/nerdy disposition turn away now!):
why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
...to get to the same side.
Let us be wise in our choice of jokes. Too often these joke threads fall squarely into the realm of ethnic jokes and country bashing.
Please! Keep a Frontroom frame of mind when posting. :bow:
Big_John
03-02-2006, 19:57
hey beirut, are sexual jokes kosher? or is that backroom fare?
(Double entendres are. Try to keep it clean though, please - Beirut)
Here's one we used to tease my father with:
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Do you know?
Of course you don't know, [scream this part] 'cause you weren't there!!!!!
it's big and green and if it falls in your eye it hurts.
a pingpong table
what's the difference between a red and a yellow wall?
they're both red except the yellow one.
I know I've got my own kind of "humor".
Big_John
03-02-2006, 20:06
stick to making beer and chocolate, gert. :uneasy:
Dutch_guy
03-02-2006, 20:12
The only part of the joke I got was the part that showed it shouldn't be here - Beirut
Edited posts always make me curious as to what all the fuss was about...
Why do I always arrive too late ?! :skull:
:balloon2:
stick to making beer and chocolate, gert. :uneasy:
Hey, it's funny if you drink the beer I produce!
~:barrel:
you stick making recruitment fixes ~;)
the tokai
03-02-2006, 20:56
What's the difference between a dead bird?
One of his legs is shorter
What the hell are EBAY tags?
Ok now I know.
What the hell are EBAY tags?
tags that say EBAY!
the tokai
03-02-2006, 20:59
tags that say EBAY!
Yeah I got that.
Bar Kochba
03-02-2006, 21:04
Why was the blonde looking at the orange juice
because it said concintrate
Big_John
03-02-2006, 21:05
here's a stupid joke:
a man takes his rottweiler to the vet and says, "my dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". so the vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
finally, the vet says "i'm going to have to put him down."
"what!!?", the man exclaims, "because he's cross-eyed!?"
"no, no", the vet says, "he's just really heavy".
:blank2:
yeah sticking to the edb doesn't seem to be a bad idea neither.
~;p
More silly lightbulb jokes:
How many philosphers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well, first you have to define your terms.
How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Darkness® is the new standard.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
The fish are dead; I bring cheese.
What can a blond put behind her ears to make her look better?
Her ankles.
Ever notice how the set-ups for jokes are often far funnier than the punchlines? I wish people would stop about halfway through, sometimes.
"So these two sea turtles are dressed up like nuns, and they're drinking in a bar in Reno ..."
I just want to say, "No no, stop right there. That's the funny. You found the funny right there. Don't go on. You've achieved perfection."
What can a blond put behind her ears to make her look better?
Her ankles.
:laugh4: Good one.
Riding off this joke:
Why do you blondes wear hooped earings?
Ankle rests.
Sasaki Kojiro
03-02-2006, 23:53
There just seems to be less and less appreciation for the sacrifices we males make....
My wife left me. I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back....
Give a man fire and hes warm for a day.
Light a man on fire and hes warm for the rest of his life.
My friend said that I thought it was pretty funny
Kaiser of Arabia
03-03-2006, 02:02
Give a man fire and hes warm for a day.
Light a man on fire and hes warm for the rest of his life.
My friend said that I thought it was pretty funny
lol that's getting sigged.
I have a ton but they are all either way to innapropriate, or just down right mean, to say in the frontroom, or backroom. Heck, it's dangerous even to say them more than a whisper with the new gov't phone taps. Darn communits.
Ever notice how the set-ups for jokes are often far funnier than the punchlines? I wish people would stop about halfway through, sometimes.
"So these two sea turtles are dressed up like nuns, and they're drinking in a bar in Reno ..."
I just want to say, "No no, stop right there. That's the funny. You found the funny right there. Don't go on. You've achieved perfection."
That was my reaction to the question, 'How does Hitler get a hundred Pikachus on a bus?' The question was way funnier than the answer.
Reverend Joe
03-03-2006, 04:09
what's the difference between a red and a yellow wall?
they're both red except the yellow one.
~:joker: Acid humour...
Divinus Arma
03-03-2006, 06:45
Un-Frontroomish "humour" - Beirut
Big_John
03-03-2006, 08:03
maybe you should explain that joke to me DA, because it doesn't sound "sooo wrong" or "tooo evil", it simply sounds like racism. but maybe i am mistaken, please explain?
The only part of the joke I got was the part that showed it shouldn't be here - Beirut
eh? what now?? :dizzy2:
(Double entendres are. Try to keep it clean though, please - Beirut)
didn't I?
(No, you didn't - Beirut)
Let us be oh so very careful with our "jokes". If you think it's over the line then don't post it. Joke threads have led to multiple Warning Points and temp bans. Think before you post.
You are responsible for what you post and you will be held responsible for what you post.
What did hitler say to his men when he went to his tank?
men, I'm going to my tank!
Placed this one before but it's a funny one.
A farmer favourite rooster died, and the chickens won't lay any eggs until he has a new one, so he heads to town. At the petshop he sees the most magnificant rooster he has ever seen, perfection. The shopkeeper gives him a wink and says: 'you have a keen eye my friend, this animal is a gift from the gods, but be warned, this rooster is extremily sexual'.
'What is wrong with that' the farmer thinks, 'a good rooster makes lots of chickens' so he pays and drives home with his treassure. He introduces the rooster to the chickens, and within seconds a cloud of feather blocks his sight, a horrifying sight.... and the shreeks of panicking chickens doesn't help. When the air is clear again he sees his rooster, barely alive. He picks him up 'you got to pace yourselve my friend, this will kill you, you have to slow down a little'. All the rooster can do is nod before it falls asleep.
Next day is a nightmare. The dog, the cat, his wife, his daughter, all laying all over the place with a glaze of terror that chills the farmer to his bones. In the middle he finds his rooster, barely alive. 'We discussed this before sonny, there is no being on earth that can keep this up, this is madness, pace yourselve for the love of god'. All the rooster can do is nod before it's falls asleep.
It isn't the rooster that wakes him the next day, but the sirens and the screams of terror that come out of town. He immediatly realises what is going on and he speeds to town. It's a warzone, nothing can stop this thing. He has to be careful not to step on the victims, they are everywhere. And there it is, lying on the floor, dead. Vultures are allready closing in, the farmer kicks them away and checks out the rooster. Suddenly the rooster opens 1 eye 'you prick, I almost had them'.
Divinus Arma
03-07-2006, 19:18
maybe you should explain that joke to me DA, because it doesn't sound "sooo wrong" or "tooo evil", it simply sounds like racism. but maybe i am mistaken, please explain?
Big John, agreed. It was an uncalled for reference to a tired stereotype that plays upon the suffering of the poor and ignorant in urban ghettos.
I initially editted the out-and-out statement,and changed it to something more "subtle" (flavored dairy as a metaphor). I was PWD, and I guess I wanted to throw in a politically incorrect joke like the old "antique farm equipment" joke.
I completely agree that it was uncalled for and came across as racist.
I apologize if I offended you.
Big_John
03-07-2006, 20:45
thanks for taking the time to respond to my concern DA. apology accepted. you really need to figure out a way to stop posting while drunk.. you always end up with warning points. :uneasy:
though, that's better than the gender-reassigned strangers i find in my bed the mornings after i've gotten wasted..
InsaneApache
03-09-2006, 01:06
There was short lived delight for viewers today as SKY announced it will be covering this years World Origami Championships.
Uproar ensued shortly afterwards, after it was announced it would only be available on paper view.
I'll get me coat......
octavian
03-09-2006, 20:10
-bump-
Gregoshi
03-09-2006, 20:23
I got this one via email last week:
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday!
octavian
03-09-2006, 21:40
rofl greg!
Avicenna
03-09-2006, 22:43
There were four nuns who were allowed by the abbott to have the weekend off. At the end of the weekend, the four nuns went to the abbott to confess their sins.
The first nun said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I stole some food from a shop." The abbott was silent for a few seconds, and replied,
"The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun starts to giggle, but the abbott ignores her.
The second nun said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done?", asked the abbott.
"I drove my sister's car and ran over a cat.", replied the nun. The abbott stood silent for a minute, and replied,
"The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun is chuckling loudly now, and the abbott is visibly annoyed.
The second nun confessed,"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I ran up and down high street naked last night" The abbott looked up at the ceiling for a full five minutes before replying,
"The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun is bursting out with laughter now, and the abbott asks impatiently,
"What is so funny?" The nun, barely able to control her laughter, replied
"I pissed in the holy water."
Ok I heard this on the radio a couple of weeks ago so forgive me if I make a mistake.
Ok theres a guy from Texas and a man from Louisiana and there both trying to get the same job so the man testing them for the job gives them a ten question test so they go sit down and finish at about the same time and go back and wait for the man to check them. So he calls the back up and tells them that they both missed the same question. So the man testing them for the job says that he is going to hire the man from Texas. The man from Louisiana says"why we missed the same amount of questions." So the man says well for number nine the man from Texas put I don't know and you put I don't either.:juggle2:
edyzmedieval
03-10-2006, 11:45
There were four nuns who were allowed by the abbott to have the weekend off. At the end of the weekend, the four nuns went to the abbott to confess their sins.
The first nun said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I stole some food from a shop." The abbott was silent for a few seconds, and replied,
"The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun starts to giggle, but the abbott ignores her.
The second nun said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done?", asked the abbott.
"I drove my sister's car and ran over a cat.", replied the nun. The abbott stood silent for a minute, and replied,
"The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun is chuckling loudly now, and the abbott is visibly annoyed.
The second nun confessed,"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I ran up and down high street naked last night" The abbott looked up at the ceiling for a full five minutes before replying,
"The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun is bursting out with laughter now, and the abbott asks impatiently,
"What is so funny?" The nun, barely able to control her laughter, replied
"I pissed in the holy water."
Disgusting, but also funny..... :laugh4:
InsaneApache
03-11-2006, 13:03
Not so much a joke, but still very funny.
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
6. Don't let worry kill you off, let the Church help.
7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
11. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
15. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm. Prayer and medication to follow.
19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
20. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
24. The primary 7's will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
:laugh4:
Bar Kochba
03-22-2006, 22:07
a christian a muslim and a jew are on a plane
the plane starts the to crash and there all nervous suddenly a angel appears to them and says
"jump out of the plane and G-d will save you"
the christian being very pious jumps out just before he hits the ground a hand comes out of nowhere and saves him
the jew see this and says" if G-d can save this gentile surley he can save me" he jumps out of the plane and a hand comes out and grabs him just before he lands
the muslim see this and thinks since both of the infidels were sasaved surley i will so he jumps out confidently he jumps out and crashes to the ground and dies
the muslims goes up to heaven and asks G-d"how come your angel said you will save the christian and the jew why didnt you saved me ive lived a good life i havent done anything to bad"
G-d answers"which angel told you point him out"
the muslim looks and see the one"that one"
G-d says"kahane one more time and your out
Samurai Waki
03-22-2006, 23:02
the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt as much."
Two dutch are driving a car. Suddenly they have to stop for a traffic light. They wait and talk about cheese. Then the passenger says:"it's green."
and the driver replies:
It's a frog!
InsaneApache
03-31-2006, 16:35
Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends, Romans and
Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some **** eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his ********, I'm off to
France to check this out."
Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those ******* out"
The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-
........Away Gauls count double in Europe."
I'll get me coat....:embarassed:
(Remember, zero tolerance for swearing - Beirut)
EDIT: blanked out profanity.
Bar Kochba
03-31-2006, 16:49
im going to hunt u down and assasinate you for that joke making me read all that arghhhhhhhhh
Dutch_guy
03-31-2006, 17:11
That wasn't funny IA, I expected better of you.
:balloon2:
So this guy walks into a bar ...
...which is funny, 'cause you'd think he would have noticed it ...
Go ahead, groan all you like. It's that sort of joke.
Vladimir
03-31-2006, 20:53
........Away Gauls count double in Europe."
I'll get me coat....:embarassed:
:stupido2:
SwordsMaster
04-01-2006, 01:22
So this guy walks into a bar ...
...which is funny, 'cause you'd think he would have noticed it ...
Go ahead, groan all you like. It's that sort of joke.
And here was me thinking the "Gauls" joke was terrible...:shame:
InsaneApache
04-07-2006, 16:27
And here was me thinking the "Gauls" joke was terrible...:shame:
Oh I can do better than that!!!!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room,
and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a
few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the
table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but
as I said,this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal,
hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to
the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my
duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
It's ok I got me coat on and I'm already out of the door...:laugh4:
It’s green, small, round and when you throw it against a wall the neighbours phone will ring?
Pure coincidence
Only Americans will get this one (I think)....What are you when you open a bag of Reese's Pieces and only eat the orange ones?
Reesist!
Strike For The South
04-08-2006, 23:09
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
Strike For The South
04-08-2006, 23:13
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Strike For The South
04-08-2006, 23:16
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
Strike For The South
04-08-2006, 23:19
There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him "I've kidnapped you."
The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."
The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?!"
It’s green, small, round and when you throw it against a wall the neighbours phone will ring?
Pure coincidence
finally soneone with a sense of humor. to bad I knew this one already.:2thumbsup:
An American, Russian and a Dutch Astronaut are heading for a 1 year expedition to various planets.
For scientific reasons they all can choose 1 Item to stuff their rocket with.
The American: Women and lots of them!
The Russian: Vodka baby a whole lot of Vodka!
The Dutchman after long and hard thoughts: I smoke, so cigarettes all the way!
So up they go, the American with a rocket jammed with women, the Russian with vodka and the Dutchman a rocket stuffed with cigarettes.
Fast forward 1 year:
The American arrives with his arms full with little Americans and half off the women pregnant.
The Russian drunk as a post with his last bottle of Vodka.
Then the Dutchman (completely mad) bangs the door open runs down the stairs with one cigarette in his right hand.
”SOMEONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE GIVE ME A LIGHT!!!”
This one is specially for you Gertgregoor.~;)
An American, Russian and a Dutch Astronaut are heading for a 1 year expedition to various planets.
For scientific reasons they all can choose 1 Item to stuff their rocket with.
The American: Women and lots of them!
The Russian: Vodka baby a whole lot of Vodka!
The Dutchman after long and hard thoughts: I smoke, so cigarettes all the way!
So up they go, the American with a rocket jammed with women, the Russian with vodka and the Dutchman a rocket stuffed with cigarettes.
Fast forward 1 year:
The American arrives with his arms full with little Americans and half off the women pregnant.
The Russian drunk as a post with his last bottle of Vodka.
Then the Dutchman (completely mad) bangs the door open runs down the stairs with one cigarette in his right hand.
”SOMEONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE GIVE ME A LIGHT!!!”
This one is specially for you Gertgregoor.~;)
you're too kind. :2thumbsup:
different types of Project managers:
If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
- dyslexic, functionally illiterate project
manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
- messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all!
- suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
- thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you, I'll get in your way.
- project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
- project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so
no one will get killed.
- project manager who is about to get in big trouble
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
- weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager
If I kill me, you'll get your way.
- pragmatic project manager
Kill me, it's the only way.
- every project manager to date.
Sasaki Kojiro
04-17-2006, 17:51
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Bar Kochba
04-17-2006, 19:07
im jelous of the third guy:laugh4:
Vladimir
04-17-2006, 21:43
I'd prefer a bullet to a bite. *ouch*
Sasaki Kojiro
04-17-2006, 21:49
I'd prefer a bullet to a bite. *ouch*
You don't bite lollipops...
Craterus
04-17-2006, 22:04
Everyone's got their own style...
The first things mods are fast to point out are that no rascist jokes are allowed.
The next thing that happens are some blond jokes.
Dubbel moral???
"Yeah let's not tell rascist jokes except when it comes to whites!!"
:help:
If you feel there have been inappropriate "jokes" about any ethnic group, PM BKS or myself and it will be looked at.
English assassin
04-19-2006, 11:32
The first things mods are fast to point out are that no rascist jokes are allowed.
The next thing that happens are some blond jokes.
Dubbel moral???
Oh no not again...
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you"?
R'as al Ghul
04-19-2006, 13:54
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you"?
I always liked that one. :laugh4:
I hope you aren't hurting any cannibals feelings, though. :no:
English assassin
04-19-2006, 13:56
I always liked that one. :laugh4:
I hope you aren't hurting any cannibals feelings, though. :no:
Any cannibals who want to complain will have to get into the queue behind the clowns...
Bar Kochba
05-11-2006, 23:36
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well... are you religious?" He said yes.
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist"
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
What's a 500 pound polar bear good for?
Breaking the ice.
Use this joke at parties. Pick up hot chicks!:juggle2:
What's a 500 pound polar bear good for?
Breaking the ice.
Use this joke at parties. Pick up hot chicks!:juggle2:
that's an old one, I'm not even English and I have heard that one already a couple of times in English.
Bar Kochba
05-14-2006, 13:49
What's a 500 pound polar bear good for?
Breaking the ice.
Use this joke at parties. Pick up hot chicks!:juggle2:
LOL the jokes not so funny but what you said after LOL
Use this joke at parties. Pick up hot chicks!:juggle2:
omg i think im goin to cry
I just read this on my e-mail.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments in a courthouse...You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
Thought it was pretty funny
ZombieFriedNuts
05-27-2006, 13:09
Ok I converted this joke from a racist joke, hopefully its no longer offensive to anyone
What do you do if you see a one armed Nazi running down the street?
Stop laughing and reload
An American, a Frenchman and Bellman were going to swim from Europe to America. After 1 third of the way the American was exhausted and drowned. After 2 thirds of the way the Frenchman was exhausted and drowned. When Bellman was 100 m from the American shore he said to himself "Man, I'm getting tired. I'd better swim back."
Another one (but not with Bellman):
- Mommy, mommy! I don't want to go to America!
- Shut up kid, and keep swimming!
Zalmoxis
05-29-2006, 08:30
I hope that this hasn't been done yet and that it isn't taken as being racist, and here we go:
(Un-Frontroomish humour - Beirut)
Dutch_guy
05-29-2006, 10:41
Well I posted a joke about a clown and a Jew, it was similar to the one you posted Zalmoxis.
You'd better delete it yourself before it get's deleted.
:balloon2:
InsaneApache
05-30-2006, 11:09
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge !!
---------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into his doctors and says, "what's the prognosis then?"
"Well, it's bad news, you've got cancer and you've got alzheimer's, sorry."
"Ah well, could be worse, I could have cancer!"
InsaneApache
05-31-2006, 16:57
http://www.otoons.com/politics/condoleezza.htm
:laugh4:
---------------------------------------------------------------
It is just before Scotland v Brazil in the next World Cup Group game.
Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldino goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldino 10 minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
:laugh4:
Bar Kochba
05-31-2006, 17:30
LOL didnt see that one coming
Ja'chyra
06-02-2006, 11:01
http://www.otoons.com/politics/condoleezza.htm
:laugh4:
---------------------------------------------------------------
It is just before Scotland v Brazil in the next World Cup Group game.
Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldino goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldino 10 minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
:laugh4:
:inquisitive:
this was supposedly the funniest joke in the world according to some international poll a few years back that had people in several countries vote.
two men are out hunting when one suddenly falls silent, clutches his heart and falls over. his buddy pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services
"help, i think my friend just had a heart attack and died"
the operator answers "calm down sir, first we want to make sure he's dead." suddenly the operator hears the cell phone being dropped to the ground, hears footsteps going away, hears a loud BOOM, and then hears footsteps approaching and the buddy picks up the phone and says "OK, now what?"
An American, a Frenchman and Bellman were going to swim from Europe to America. After 1 third of the way the American was exhausted and drowned. After 2 thirds of the way the Frenchman was exhausted and drowned. When Bellman was 100 m from the American shore he said to himself "Man, I'm getting tired. I'd better swim back."
What's a Bellman?
This is an old one,
3 guys are standing on the rooftop of a skyscraper.
One says to the other “You know this building is so designed that when you jump of you’re catapulted back here on the roof.”
The second on ocfours believes nothing of this and asks for proof.
So the 1st on jumps of ,….
AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhh…. aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHH…
And falls back on the same spot he was standing before.
“NO WAY!!!” says the second one, LET ME TRY!
So he jumps,…
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhh … … …SPLAT.
Says the third one: “Superman, sometimes you can be a real ******.”
Again Superman, is flying around in New York…
Feeling enormously bored, he sees Batman jumping from one roof to the other.
“Hey batman” he asks, “you wouldn’t want to join me in a fly around would you?”
Batman: Sorry Superman, but I’m to busy fighting crime for the moment.
“Okay” says Superman, and keeps on flying.
Then he sees Spiderman climbing a scraper.
“Hey Spidy, I’m really bored , want to join me in a fly around?”
“Sorry” says Spiderman, “but my aunty is sick and she needs her medicine.”
Superman: “Kay Spidy np.”
So then he flies way up in the air,
Suddenly he sees Superwoman, lying completely naked on the rooftop of a scraper.
Superman starts to dive with tremendous speed, does his “thing” in 1/100 of a second (It’s superman you know) and flies off again.
WHAT IN JESUS NAME WHAS THAT??? Asks Superwoman.
“I don’t know” says the invisible man, “But my ass is hurting like hell!”
(Language - Beirut)
InsaneApache
06-09-2006, 10:17
Wayne Rooney has been told he can play in the World Cup if he gets a Cortisone Injection.
David Beckham responded, "If that fat tosser is having a new car, then so am I!" :laugh4:
What is blue, green and a hint of purple and it only sleeps with grannies?
Me with my lucky coat.
Bumped for brilliance.
A guy responses to an advertisement for a job at the local supermarket, and is invited for a job interview.
Well the manager asks, what do you think you can bring to our organisation?
Well, I am the best salesman ever. 'He must be' the manager thinks, 'I am convinced!' The guy can start the next day.
The next day the manager comes just before closing time to evaluate the performcance, and asks how it went.
'Terrible' I had only one customer. 'Hmmmm, that is not why I hired you, for how much did he buy?' 'A measly 400.000 euro, never had a first day as bad as this'.
'You mean you got 400.000 from a single customer??? How did you do that???'
'Well' the guy explains 'he came here for a fishing rod, and I said that a rod alone wouldn't get him very far, so I sold him some of the finest material. I then told him that he would be mocked if you just went fishing in his regular clothes, and that he with a specialised suit would be the envy of the seas. He then said he wasn't sure how to get there, so I sold him a trailer, and a boat to put on it. He then asked how he could get the trailer there, so I sold hem that V8 SUV from mercedes you had in the back, that is about it.'
'So.....the manager askes, he comes here for a fishing rod and you sell him a car and a boat???' 'Not really' the guy responds 'he came here to get some painkillers for his wife because she was having her period. I then said, since your weekend is screwed anyway, why don't you go fishing?'
Crazed Rabbit
06-15-2006, 03:15
I mentioned to a coworker of mine that I had worked at a farm run by dutch descendents for minimum wage, 70+ hours a week, with no overtime.
He asked me if I knew how copper wire was developed.
"No" says I.
"Two Dutchmen fighting over a penny"
Crazed Rabbit
(Sorry Frag ~;p )
The Spartan (Returns)
06-15-2006, 21:35
There were four nuns who were allowed by the abbott to have the weekend off. At the end of the weekend, the four nuns went to the abbott to confess their sins.
The first nun said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I stole some food from a shop." The abbott was silent for a few seconds, and replied,
"The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun starts to giggle, but the abbott ignores her.
The second nun said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What have you done?", asked the abbott.
"I drove my sister's car and ran over a cat.", replied the nun. The abbott stood silent for a minute, and replied,
"The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun is chuckling loudly now, and the abbott is visibly annoyed.
The second nun confessed,"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I ran up and down high street naked last night" The abbott looked up at the ceiling for a full five minutes before replying,
"The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun is bursting out with laughter now, and the abbott asks impatiently,
"What is so funny?" The nun, barely able to control her laughter, replied
"I pissed in the holy water."
digusting AND disturbing because i go to church and always do the sign of the cross with the holy water.:inquisitive:
InsaneApache
06-16-2006, 10:29
A woman had recently completed a series of golf lessons and was playing her first round of golf with friends when early on into the round she suffered a rather nasty bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided she had no choice but to return to the clubhouse for medical attention.
Her golf pro saw her entering the clubhouse and asked, ''Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?''
''I was stung by a bee'', she said.
''Where?'', he asked.
''Between the first and second hole'', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, ''Well then, your stance is probably too wide.''
That my friend is hilarious and yet oh so disturbing!
GeneralHankerchief
06-16-2006, 17:57
This one was done by Martyr in the backroom. Reposted with permission.
Bubba, a furniture dealer in West Virginia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the USA, he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving in the French city he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
An email I got a while back. Thought it was rather amusing - and perhaps even true.
Research shows there are 7 kinds of sex:
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the
face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been
with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.
The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the
morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a
little each month. But not enough to live on!
Quid
ZombieFriedNuts
06-17-2006, 19:56
What’s worse than finding a slug in your salad
Finding half a slug in your salad
InsaneApache
06-17-2006, 20:21
What’s worse than finding a slug in your salad
Finding half a slug in your salad
I see you're going on the premise that the old ones are the best. :laugh4:
ZombieFriedNuts
06-18-2006, 11:56
Indeed, I was reminded of it earlier in the day when my brothers girlfriend found a slug in her diner
Another mail I have just received...
Apologies for the language...I thought, however, that it is just about passable...
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Quid
:laugh4:
I liked this one:
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
InsaneApache
07-13-2006, 08:46
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: ...........................
"And Tigger?"
InsaneApache
08-07-2006, 11:49
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
US PGA Commentator – "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio – "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – "Ah,isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator – "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator – "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator – "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
:sweatdrop:
I am afraid this is only fun for those that speak dutch, god are you missing out
Citaten uit brieven die mensen aan verzekeringsmaatschappijen van Achmea stuurden:
De andere auto kwam met de mijne in botsing zonder mij zijn bedoeling kenbaar te maken.
Nog voor ik hem aanreed, was ik er al van overtuigd dat deze oude man nooit de overkant van de straat zou bereiken.
Bij thuiskomst reed ik per ongeluk een verkeerde oprit in en ramde ik een boom die daar bij mij niet staat.
De jongen was overal en nergens op straat, ik moest meerdere bochten nemen voordat ik hem raakte.
Uw computer heeft mij een kind toebedeeld, maar ik heb helemaal geen kind. En al helemaal niet van uw computer.
Wie mijn portemonnee gestolen heeft, kan ik u niet zeggen, aangezien er niemand van mijn familie in de buurt was…
Ik verwijderde mij van de rand van de straat, wierp een blik op mijn schoonmoeder en reed vervolgens het talud af.
Alle rekeningen die ik ontvang, betaal ik nooit onmiddellijk, daar mij daarvoor eenvoudig het geld ontbreekt. De rekeningen worden integendeel in een grote trommel gestort waar ik er iedere maand geblinddoekt drie uit trek. Deze rekeningen betaal ik dan prompt. Ik verzoek u dan ook te wachten tot het lot u getroffen heeft.
Uit een proces–verbaal: De achtervolgde sprong in het water en dook ondanks meermaals herhaalde sommaties niet meer op.
Een voetganger kwam plotseling van de stoep en verdween zonder een woord te zeggen onder mijn auto.
Mijn motor moest, net als ikzelf, vanwege ernstige schade weggesleept worden.
Bovendien heb ik voor mijn eerste en na mijn laatste ongeluk schadevrij gereden.
Ik ben nog nooit van een ongeval weggevlucht. Integendeel. Ik moest altijd weggedragen worden.
Ik overreed een man. Hij gaf zelf toe schuldig te zijn, omdat dit hem al eerder gebeurd was.
Volgens de taxatie van de expert zal de schade tussen de 250.000 en een kwart miljoen bedragen.
In uw schrijven van 26/6 over de eigen bijdrage heeft u mij allervriendelijkst tot mejuffrouw bevorderd, wat echter in samenhang met mijn voornaam Henk helaas tot pijnlijke vermoedens kan leiden.
Ik reed eerst met mijn auto tegen de vangrail, sloeg toen over de kop en knalde tenslotte tegen een boom. Toen verloor ik de macht over het stuur.
Met de wettelijke ter plaatse toegestane maximum snelheid, botste ik op een vrouw die mij tegen alle geldende voorschriften tegemoet kwam.
De ander wagen was absoluut onzichtbaar en toen verdween hij.
In eerste instantie heb ik tegen de politie gezegd dat ik niet gewond was, maar toen ik mijn hoed afzetten bemerkte ik de schedelbreuk.
Ik zag een treurig gezicht langzaam voorbij zweven, en toen sloeg de man met een harde klap op het dak van mijn auto.
Omdat de voetganger niet beslissen kon naar welke kant hij wegrennen moest, reed ik over hem heen.
Na veertig jaar schadevrij te hebben gereden, viel ik achter het stuur in slaap. Een onzichtbaar voertuig kwam uit het niets, ramde tegen mij aan en verdween spoorloos…
Mijn bruid heeft de agenten, die het ongeval kwamen opnemen, alles laten zien wat ze maar wilden zien…
Ik dacht dat het raam openstond. Het was echter gesloten, hetgeen ik pas bemerkte toen ik mijn hoofd naar buiten stak.
Mij treft het ongeval geen blaam. De oorzaak was die jonge dame in de minirok. Als u een man bent is een verdere verklaring overbodig; als u een vrouw bent, begrijpt u het sowieso niet.
Moet ik mijn man dan ombrengen voordat ik het geld krijg?
Uw argumenten zijn werkelijk zwak. Voor zulke uitvluchten moet u toch werkelijk een dommer iemand zoeken, maar die zult u bijna niet kunnen vinden.
Ik schrijf u vandaag voor de eerste en laatste keer. Mocht blijken dat u niet antwoord, schrijf ik u direct weer.
Wij hebben geen inkomsten uit de melkveehouderij. Met de dood van mijn man is het laatste rund van het erf verdwenen.
Mijn auto reed gewoon rechtuit verder, hetgeen er in een bocht in het algemeen toe lijdt dat men de weg verlaat.
Ik heb geen levensverzekering nodig. Ik zou graag willen dat iedereen echt teleurgesteld is als ik eenmaal sterf.
Ik ben in de bocht, niet ver van de plaats van het ongeluk vandaan, gaan slingeren. Tijdens het slingeren heb ik waarschijnlijk de tegemoetkomende Mercedes geramd, die vermoedelijk de uiteindelijke richting van de laatste fase van de rit mede heeft bepaald.
Mijn zoon heeft die vrouw niet omver gerend. Hij is er heel snel voorbij gerend en door de ontstane tocht is ze omgevallen.
Ik reed achteruit een steile straat naar beneden, doorboorde een afscheidingsmuurtje en ramde een bungalow. Ik kon me gewoon niet herinneren waar het rempedaal gemonteerd was.
Als ik het geld niet binnen 8 dagen ontvang, zie ik er geheel vanaf!
Toen stond de kerstboom plotseling in lichterlaaie. De vlammen sloegen over op de gordijnen. Mijn man kon echter niet helpen blussen, daar hij als een bezetene op zoek was naar de polis van de inboedelverzekering.
Intussen is het loopgips van mijn rechterarm verwijderd.
Laat mij het a.u.b. weten indien u deze brief niet heeft ontvangen.
I've read stuff like this before Fragony. And they always make me feel good as it makes me feel smart. Really smart. Thanks!
The Wizard
08-07-2006, 23:10
De jongen was overal en nergens op straat, ik moest meerdere bochten nemen voordat ik hem raakte.
Classic :)
Silver Rusher
08-08-2006, 21:22
Stop torturing us with your (what seems to be) very funny Dutch humour! You could at least give us the gist of it.
Marshal Murat
08-08-2006, 22:37
I did Babelfish translator
AHAHAHAHAHAHA, it was so funny.
InsaneApache
08-08-2006, 22:51
More like double dutch then? :laugh4:
Peasant Phill
08-09-2006, 08:58
A real life example of what people fill in on there insurance papers:
De jongen was overal en nergens op straat, ik moest meerdere bochten nemen voordat ik hem raakte.
translated in English:
The boy was everywhere and nowhere on the street, I had to take several turns before I hit him.
Or that last sentence:
"Would you please let me know if you didn't get this letter."
(non dutchies, these are quotes from letters to an insurance company)
This is my favorite,
Uit een proces–verbaal: De achtervolgde sprong in het water en dook ondanks meermaals herhaalde sommaties niet meer op.
'Police report: the subject jumped into the water and didn't surface despite repeated warnings' :laugh4:
(I think that may be removed)
(I think you're right - Beirut)
Right then Beirut... try this....
Irish Airplane coming into land...
Pilot 1: Paddy! Paddy, the Runway is too short!
Pilot 2: I know Shaemus! But look at the Width of it!
IrishArmenian
08-16-2006, 18:05
Spelled Seamus, JFC. Here is one:
To some the glass is half full, to others it is half empty, but to the Irish it will always be "Are you going to drink that?"
InsaneApache
09-22-2006, 07:22
Patient: 'Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.'
Doctor: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome....'
Patient: 'Is it common?'
Doctor: ”It's not unusual....:embarassed:
InsaneApache
12-09-2006, 00:19
An American Marine boards a train in Europe, the train was quite crowded, so the. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, " Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Marshal Murat
12-09-2006, 05:25
Where are the funny logs???
bash.org is a great comedy site.
IrishArmenian
12-11-2006, 05:55
Father: Son, if you keep wanking, you'll go blind.
Son: I'm over here.
screwtype
12-11-2006, 12:18
A penguin on holiday in California is driving happily along the highway when he notices the oil light has come on. "I don't know much about cars", thinks the penguin, "but I do know that when the oil light comes on that is serious!" So at the very next town he pulls into the service station and tells the mechanic what the problem is. "Okay I'll take a look at it" says the mechanic. "Come back in an hour".
The penguin decides to kill time by looking around town. He hasn't gone far when he sees an ice cream parlour. "Phew! Just what a penguin needs on a hot day to remind him of home!" he thinks. So he goes into the store and buys a big tub of vanilla ice cream. He then goes to the park, sits down and starts tucking in. Penguins, of course, don't have hands to hold a spoon, so he has to use his flippers to scoop it out, and pretty soon he has ice cream all over his beak, his flippers and his nice fur coat, but he doesn't care, the ice cream is delicious!
Finally he finishes his meal and looks up at the townhall clock. "The hour is nearly up", he thinks. "Time to check out my car." So he heads back to the service station. The mechanic sees him coming and goes out to meet him. "How did it go?" asks the penguin nervously. Fine!" says the mechanic. "Nothing serious. It looks like you just blew a seal." "No, no!" cries the horrified penguin, "it's just vanilla ice cream!"
InsaneApache
12-11-2006, 12:22
ROFL :laugh4:
Pannonian
12-11-2006, 13:21
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
What have a chicken and a grape got in common?
They're both purple, except for the chicken.
What do you call a man with "Welcome" on his head?
Matt.
@ screwtype: Yuck, :laugh4:
@ Pannonian: :no:, :laugh4:
A guy goes to a icecreamshop with his son, girl asks what she could do for them.
Well boy, what do you want of this cute lady, *slap* *slap* *slap* with that enormous head of yours?
'icecream'
Well lady, he wants icecream.
Lady is confuses of course 'uhm....what uh kind of icecream?'
What kind of icecream do you want boy *slap* *slap* *slap* with that enormous head of yours?
'chocolate'
Well you heard him, he wants chocolate.
'anything, uh, else?'
Well boy, do you want anything else *slap* *slap* *slap*with that enormous head of yours?
'I am fine'
Well now the lady goes nuts, sir what are you doing why are you hurting him, he doesn't do anything wrong I am going to call the police!!
Well I'll tell you what he did *slap* *slap* *slap* with his enormous head, my wife used to look just like you and then he was born.
I have a couple of jokes. don't skip one. they're all funny.
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as crap.
I was going to have my teeth whitened, but then I said "Forget that, I'll just get a tan instead.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was.
I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.
I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said "it's a fight to the finish." That's a good place to end.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say, "Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes."
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so I got a cake.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. "Dang it, Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Dang it, Otto, you have lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.
I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "You really like Tide."
I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore", but I was too busy mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table."
I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent, then left and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?
dude, some of those are hilarious!
How much would you charge to haunt a house?
Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
Your mother is so fat, its acctually kinda funny.
Itll take Lewis and Clark to find the point of this joke.
God is nothing but a glorified dog (hint, its a bad pun).
Which state is hi in the middle and round on both ends?
o"hi"o
Vampires suck!
this is my steph-mother's joke "Your mother is so fat, when she tried rolling out of bed, she rolled herself back to sleep." Now if you get this, there is apoint to this joke!
Would anybody like to join the pen15 club?
Look down your shirt and spell attic.
The worshipers of The egyptian sun god are the true inventors of noodles!
Ra-men
And now im pretty much out of approprite jokes.
screwtype
12-15-2006, 06:00
Look down your shirt and spell attic.
LOL, that's so corny I just had to laugh :laugh4:
InsaneApache
12-23-2006, 04:54
In a Stars In Their Eyes Xmas special a young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
MK: "It's very brave of you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"
Simon: "About a year ago I was driving, with my uncle, when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright,
but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free.
The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, they did all they could, but they couldn't save my legs."
MK: "That's terrible Simon, but I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?"
Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away,
but that his legs were fine. With all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body.
I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
** MUCH AUDIENCE APPLAUSE **
MK: "That's fantastic. So Simon, who are you going to be?"
Simon: "Tonight Matthew I'm going to be...
"Simon and half uncle"
:sweatdrop:
InsaneApache
01-12-2007, 15:48
ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED WITH COWS
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them all and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity, and arrest the reporter who leaked the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the *!!%$@@##** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
Banquo's Ghost
01-12-2007, 16:39
Excellent IA! :laugh4:
You missed one though.
ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You set the poor oppressed beasts free and plant two cabbages instead. The capitalists next door grab your ex-cows and feed them with your cabbages and then sell at a profit.
Vladimir
01-12-2007, 17:41
Excellent IA! :laugh4:
You missed one though.
ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You set the poor oppressed beasts free and plant two cabbages instead. The capitalists next door grab your ex-cows and feed them with your cabbages and then sell at a profit.
:laugh4: Now that's cut-throat, robber barron capitalism. :2thumbsup: Ahhh, the good old days. :thinking:
King Henry V
01-12-2007, 19:54
You forgot some more.
Singaporean Economics: You have two cows. The government fines you for illegally keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them away and puts them in a bran with all the other cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took away from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
Environmentalism: you have two cows. The government bans you from killing or milking them.
Feminism: you have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
Political correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender.
Counter Culture: wow, dig it man, there's like these two cows grazing in the hemp field. Dude, you gotta have some of this milk!
Pure anarchy: you have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or the neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.
Libertarianism: whatever....
New Labour: you have New Cows. New Cows New Britain. Our Mission New Cows. New Britain. New Cows New Britain.
New Labour: you have New Cows. New Cows New Britain. Our Mission New Cows. New Britain. New Cows New Britain.
I am going to pretend that made sense....
Comedic Russian: In russia, the cows own you!
doc_bean
01-13-2007, 16:44
TEXAS: you have two cows, you organise a BBQ
Canada: You have two cows. Your neighbour comes over and says, "Hey, you have two cows." You say, "Yeah, I do." Then you offer him a beer and talk about the weather.
Big King Sanctaphrax
01-13-2007, 17:37
WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
Cows? Dude, there's a reason why we stick to sheep.
Shaka_Khan
01-13-2007, 18:28
If a teacher asked, "where does Santa Claus and his elves live," then the following generations of kids would answer:
kids in the 1960s: "he lives in the North Pole."
kids in the 1980s: "he lives in the Arctic."
kids today: "He lives in China. My toys have the words made in China on them."
Evil_Maniac From Mars
01-13-2007, 20:14
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
That's only two kinds of people, STUPID!!!!!!! :help: :gah:
I'm sorry, but I had to do that. No offence.:whip:
InsaneApache
01-13-2007, 20:18
You obviously didn't get it. :wall:
What do you call 2 guys with no arms or legs stuck on a wall.
Kurt and Rod
haha. corny jokes are only good by the person who says them it would seem.
Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard? Neither did she.
2 Irish guys walk out of a bar.
A Rabbi, a Polish person, a Priest, a blonde, a talking dog, and a Jew all walk into a bar. The Bartender goes, "What's this, some kind of joke?"
A termite walks into a bar and asks," Is the bar tender here?"
Evil_Maniac From Mars
01-14-2007, 04:35
You obviously didn't get it. :wall:
Perhaps it's you who doesn't. You should really visit bash.org more often. ~:cool:
Banquo's Ghost
01-14-2007, 10:52
Another one from the legendary Dave Allen:
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning sermon.
She's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...
A termite walks into a bar and asks," Is the bar tender here?"
:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:
Shaka_Khan
01-16-2007, 01:42
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Crazed Rabbit
01-18-2007, 05:53
http://www.otoons.com/politics/condoleezza.htm
:laugh4:
Gee, none of the images there could be construed as racist... :rolleyes:
CR
Good Dog!"Little Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Crabtree asked."My dog ate it," was his solemn response."Little Johnny, I've been a teacher for twety-nine years, do you really expect me to believe that?""It's true, Miss Crabtree, I swear it is," insisted Littler Johnny."I had to force him, but he ate it all, every bit!"
In The AlphabetLittle Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet."Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"Johnny says, "Yeah!"
BlackmailAt school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
Ill do some more later
Uesugi Kenshin
01-19-2007, 08:38
You know my dog did eat my homework once. I completely freaked out because it was spread out all over the backyard and I figured my teacher wouldn't believe me. So I gathered as much of it as I could and did the problems that I could still read and brought it all in to school the next morning. My teacher was probably a bit suprised to see my paper all mangled and torn up on my desk, but she didn't punish me or anything.
Marshal Murat
01-20-2007, 03:10
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
ZombieFriedNuts
01-20-2007, 15:20
What do you call a chav in a suit
The accused
Omanes Alexandrapolites
01-21-2007, 13:45
How is a computer like an air conditioner?
When you open Windows it won't work! :grin:
Beren Son Of Barahi
01-22-2007, 04:40
(Complaints registered. Post removed - Beirut)
Marshal Murat
01-22-2007, 04:43
The election of Venezuela's President.
Let that simmer.
What's Mom Do?The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did fora living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said hermother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood upand said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
Omanes Alexandrapolites
01-22-2007, 08:22
Now that one, Lord Motep, is funny!
Top ten reasons i procastinate:
1.
Patriarch of Constantinople
01-22-2007, 17:23
Top ten reasons i procastinate:
1.
Hey I found the meaning of life!!!
Will update later...
King Henry V
01-22-2007, 17:25
I'm sorry, but that is disgusting.:thumbsdown:
(Edited quote - Beirut)
edyzmedieval
01-22-2007, 17:32
Sorry, but these jokes are disgusting. I didn't get them at all. :thumbsdown:
(Edited quote - Beirut)
Patriarch of Constantinople
01-22-2007, 17:33
Sorry, but these jokes are disgusting. I didn't get them at all. :thumbsdown:
Same.
edyzmedieval
01-22-2007, 17:42
I got it, DUUUUH!! They're just disgusting, that's all...
Omanes Alexandrapolites
01-22-2007, 17:43
Sorry, but these jokes are disgusting. I didn't get them at all. :thumbsdown:
I agree :thumbsdown:
Patriarch of Constantinople
01-22-2007, 19:14
As Beirut said,
The only part of the joke I got was the part that showed it shouldn't be here - Beirut
gaelic cowboy
01-22-2007, 19:52
Why are Pirates evil
Becasue they Arrrgh
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
============================================
A teacher asks her class, " If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Dirty Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Dirty Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied " Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Dirty Johnny replied, " The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.
===========================================
This is a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Chinese authorities off the coast of Vietnam in South China Sea in October 1980.
CHINESE: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CHINESE: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CHINESE: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS MIDWAY, the second largest ship in the United States Pacific Fleet.
We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CHINESE: This is a lighthouse. You are on the course to collide with a Vietnamese fishing boat filled with hundreds refugees!
=================================================
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."
The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"
"Eleven cents," says the bartender.
The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"
"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.
"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.
========================================================
A drunk guy who has no idea where he is going, stumbles inot a Catholic Church. He enters the confession room and takes a seat. A couple of minutes go by and the Father says to the man, "is there anything i can help you with sir?" The Drunk guy goes, "Yeah, you got any toilet paper on your side?"
That of the vampire isn't THAT bad, that one of the dogs is.
THe later ones are better.
Strike For The South
01-24-2007, 05:43
What is red and in the corner?
a naughty strawberry
Hosakawa Tito
01-26-2007, 00:15
What do you get when you cross a creek and a stream?
Wet feet.
What do you get when you cross a seal and a polar bear?
A polar bear.
Washing The DogJohnny was at the corner "Mom & Pop" store picking out a goodsized box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do."Oh, I have no laundry to do," Johnny said, "I'm going to wash my dog.""But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and ifyou wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even killhim."But Johnny was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counterand paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later Johnny was back in the store to buy some candy.The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing."Oh, he died," the boy said.he grocer, trying not to say I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dogdied but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.""Well," Johnny replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.""Oh? Then what was it?""I think it was the spin cycle!"
InsaneApache
01-27-2007, 13:52
Hints and Tips on How To Take a Dump at Work...
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
he full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the
cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at
work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendee
Why are Pirates evil
Becasue they Arrrgh
:laugh4:
Cowhead418
01-27-2007, 21:25
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
the bathroom.:laugh4: I do this all the time. I always feel weird doing it too because I feel like I'm the only one who does it. The worst poo moments are when the guy next to you tries to START A CONVERSATION.:wall: :wall: :wall: Why, oh why would anyone want to do that?:fainting:
Hints and Tips on How To Take a Dump at Work...
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
he full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the
cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at
work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendee
:bounce:
Omanes Alexandrapolites
01-28-2007, 09:11
These were real answers given by primary school children to questions in a Catholic Elementary School:
In the first book of the bible, Guinesses. God got tired of making the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built and the Ark and the animals came on in pears.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire at night.
The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had problems with unsympathetic genitals.
Moses lead the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
Solomon, one of King David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The Epistles were the wives of the apostles.
Christians only have one spouse, this is called monotony.
Crazed Rabbit
01-29-2007, 23:23
Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed
"I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked "I'm very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that's not that bad considering the number of years we've been married."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary was still curious "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
(not mine)
CR
Hosakawa Tito
01-30-2007, 01:10
^^^^ CR that is freakin' hilarious.:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:
hmmmm........................................................................npe....im dry. :thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:idea3: ...wait...nope...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ....:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:shifty: ...:shifty: ...:shifty: ...:sweatdrop: ...:sweatdrop: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:bigcry: ...:bigcry: ...:bigcry: ...:bigcry: ...:sweatdrop: ...:shifty: ...:thinking: ...:idea3: ...wait....damn it...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:shifty: ...:bigcry: ...:bigcry: ...:bigcry: ...:bigcry:...:sweatdrop: ...:sweatdrop: ...:sweatdrop: ...:shifty: ...:shifty: ..:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:thinking: ...:stars:
Patriarch of Constantinople
01-30-2007, 03:33
So 3 men are in Hell, and the Devil says "OK, you can go to Heaven if you make me do three things: make me say 'ow', make me mad, and make me say 'no'"
So the first trial, the first man hits the Devil in the face, and the Devil shrugs. The next guy hits the Devil in the chest, and the Devil shrugs. The thrid guy hits the Devil in the balls, and he says "OW!"
So the second trial, the first man said "You're gay!" and the Devil said "So?". The next man said "You're mother is so fat, she makes whales look skinny" and the Devil shrugged. The third man said "HAHA! I hit you in the balls!" and the Devil gets angry.
So the last trial, the first man said "Are you gay?" and the Devil said "Yes". The second man said "Are you scared of anything?" and the Devil said "Yes". The third man ran at the devil with his leg behind him and kicked at the air right in front of the Devil and the Devil said "NO!!!".
So 3 men are in Hell, and the Devil says "OK, you can go to Heaven if you make me do three things: make me say 'ow', make me mad, and make me say 'no'"
So the first trial, the first man hits the Devil in the face, and the Devil shrugs. The next guy hits the Devil in the chest, and the Devil shrugs. The thrid guy hits the Devil in the balls, and he says "OW!"
So the second trial, the first man said "You're gay!" and the Devil said "So?". The next man said "You're mother is so fat, she makes whales look skinny" and the Devil shrugged. The third man said "HAHA! I hit you in the balls!" and the Devil gets angry.
So the last trial, the first man said "Are you gay?" and the Devil said "Yes". The second man said "Are you scared of anything?" and the Devil said "Yes". The third man ran at the devil with his leg behind him and kicked at the air right in front of the Devil and the Devil said "NO!!!".
That one is good....
Patriarch of Constantinople
01-30-2007, 03:49
(Un-Frontroomish post - Beirut)
Gentlemen,
Discretion please!
Patriarch of Constantinople
01-30-2007, 04:28
Gentlemen,
Discretion please!
Awwwwwwwww
KukriKhan
01-30-2007, 04:33
Ghandi was a holy man, and walked everywhere barefooted. He also adhered to a skinney-ing, spartan diet, which though healthy, reportedly caused bad breath.
So he was
A Super-Callused-Fragile-Mystic-with-Extreme-Halitosis.
might not translate well to those under 40.
Omanes Alexandrapolites
01-30-2007, 11:27
Don't worry, I get it KuriKhan!
InsaneApache
01-30-2007, 12:14
Ghandi was a holy man, and walked everywhere barefooted. He also adhered to a skinney-ing, spartan diet, which though healthy, reportedly caused bad breath.
So he was
A Super-Callused-Fragile-Mystic-with-Extreme-Halitosis.
might not translate well to those under 40.
Coat offered, taxi called. :laugh4:
King Henry V
01-30-2007, 12:40
Well you know Gandhi had a cousin who worked in the Ritz Hotel in London as a doorman. He was called Mahatmacoat Gandhi.
Pannonian
01-30-2007, 13:00
Ghandi was a holy man, and walked everywhere barefooted. He also adhered to a skinney-ing, spartan diet, which though healthy, reportedly caused bad breath.
So he was
A Super-Callused-Fragile-Mystic-with-Extreme-Halitosis.
might not translate well to those under 40.
True story.
Inverness Caledonian Thistle, a lower division Scottish football team known by their nickname "Caley", beat Celtic, the biggest club in Scotland, in a cup tie in 2000. A newspaper reported the match under the headline,
"Super Caley go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious".
InsaneApache
01-30-2007, 13:22
OK if corny jokes are allowed.....
What was Ghandis first name?
Goosey Goosey.
I'll get in the same taxi as Kukri. :embarassed:
KukriKhan
01-30-2007, 14:59
OK if corny jokes are allowed.....
I'll get in the same taxi as Kukri. :embarassed:
Better make it a limo; we'll call it the Cornball Express.
Just to confirm my entrance ticket:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
--------------------
:piles himself into the backseat:
Oh come on!!! Whats Cornier than look down your shirt and spell attic! Or what about "vampires suck"!!!???
Better make it a limo; we'll call it the Cornball Express.
Just to confirm my entrance ticket:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
--------------------
This just so, so...
Stupid and yet...
HILARIOUS! :laugh4:
R'as al Ghul
01-30-2007, 16:20
Super-Callused-Fragile-Mystic-with-Extreme-Halitosis.
might not translate well to those under 40.
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Because I was afraid to speak
When I was just a lad
My father gave me nose a tweak
And told me I was bad
But then one day I learned a word
That saved me aching nose
The biggest word I ever heard
And this is how it goes:
Super-Callused-Fragile-Mystic-with-Extreme-Halitosis
under 40 and German :wink:
An old blind man is standing on a street corner with his dog, when all of a sudden, the dog picks up his hind leg and pees all over the side of the old man's jeans. Then the old man reaches into his pocket, holds out a treat and gives it to the dog.
A business man walking down the street sees this happen and went over to the old man and asked, "Sir, do you know that your dog just peed all over your jeans?"
The old man says, "Yes sir i do."
"Then why are you giving him a treat and rewarding him?"
The old man says, "I'm not rewarding him, i'm just trying to find his head so i can kick his @$$!"
:clown: :clown: :yes: :beam: :laugh4: :balloon2:
~:cool: ~:shock: :bounce: :jumping: ~:thumb: ~:wacko: ~:joker: ~D ~;)
TO MODERATORS: If you have some trouble with me posting the last word like that, please feel free to change it as you see fit. I just tried to find a way to not actually post the word but the joke sounds better when its there.
Better make it a limo; we'll call it the Cornball Express.
Just to confirm my entrance ticket:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
--------------------
:piles himself into the backseat:
Soon as I read that I called my boss, he's a Jehova's Witness, and told him the joke.
"So, two Jehova's Witnesses were having an argument about who makes the coffee... "
He loved it.
Don Corleone
01-31-2007, 17:26
A young man and his new bride return home from their honeymoon. Thinking he better lay down the law quickly, he decides to declare the 'rules of the kingdom' on the first morning. He walks into the kitchen wearing his shirt, tie, shoes, socks and undies, but carrying his pants. He tosses them to his wife, who's wearing a nightshirt. "Here, honey, put these on", he calls out as he tosses them to her. Not understanding what he was up to, the wife indeed tries to slide her husbands pants up. She buttons them, and they immediately slide to the floor. She laces her husband's belt around them, but no luck, same result. She tries and tries, but she can't get the pants to stay up. She hands them back to him and says "I can't wear these". He says "That's right, I wear the pants in this family. And because I do, I'm in charge. From now on, you'll have breakfast waiting for me when I wake up, and dinner waiting when I come home. You'll pack my lunch. You'll keep the house immaculate, you'll bring me a nice stiff drink and the paper, and you'll not bother me for the first hour after I arrive home in the evening. If I want it, you had better be ready to have nookie at any time". With that said, he smiles smugly, kisses her on the cheek, and drives off to work.
When he arrives home, he notices his wife has been a busy bee. She has done all the laundry from the trip. She has dinner on the stove, including a fresh baked desert. She hands him his slippers and the paper and brings a nice glass of bourbon in to him. The man smiles and hums softly to himself. "Aaah, paradise". After dinner, the wife stands up and clears all the dishes. She returns to the table and drops her thong underwear into his lap. "What are these for?" he asks, grinning. "Put them on, honey" she giggles. He figures it's a game and what the heck, and proceeds to try. No use. He can barely get them to slide up to his knee, let alone up to his hips. "Sorry, honey, I can't get into these" he says and tosses them back.
"That's right" she says. "And until your attitude improves, you won't be any time soon".
Don Corleone
01-31-2007, 17:56
A young Irish girl immigrates to America. She tries hard to settle into New York City, but she's desparately lonely and misses her family terribly. With no money to get home, she finally decides to end it all and throw herself off a bridge. Just as she's about to jump, a young sailor comes walking by. "Now, now, there Miss, what could be so awful?" he asks, pulling her back up onto the bridge. Tearfully, she explains her situation.
"Oh, is that all?" he laughs. I can fix that. I'm a sailor on a trans-Atlantic liner. We set sail this evening. I'll sneak you on board and you can hide in one of the lifeboats. I'll bring you food every day, and you can stretch your legs at night. Provided, of course, you'll find a way to uhm, "entertain me as repayment", he says, and winks at her. As he's a rather attractive fellow, and he's offering her the answer to her prayers, she gratefully agrees.
So, the girl boards the ship. All is well for several days. Her sailor-boyfriend comes by with food and for a quickie. Then one day, during a routine drill, a different deck hand discovers her. "Hey there, you stowaway..." he calls out, "what's this about?" She explains that she had been suicidal, and the sailor had offered to bring her aboard, stow her away and bring her food. "And, he's screwing me", she says. "He certainly is", says the deckhand. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".
InsaneApache
01-31-2007, 18:03
:laugh4:
Don Corleone
01-31-2007, 18:12
Warning: Mildly offensive redneck humor to be found herein. Beirut, if it's too much, go ahead and delete it...
Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia?
They couldn't find 3 wise men, or a virgin.
What's the defintion of an Ozark virgin?
A girl who can outrun her brothers.
Young Cletus slams the door to his parents in a huff. "Cletus!" his father yells down to him, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon!
"I know, pa", Cletus replies. "But I just don't think this here mixed marriage is gonna work. I thought a guy from North Carolina could marry and love a girl from South Carolina, but it's just not gonna work, Daddy".
"Now, why would you say that son. They're fine people, even if they're a little different. Is there something, you're not telling me?"
"Well, yes, Pa. When we got to the motelroom, Tammie-Sue-Jean told me she was a virgin!"
"What!? Well, I hope you did the right thing, Cletus".
"I sure did Pa. I drove her back and dumped her on her Daddy's front door step. I told him,If she ain't good enough for your family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!
Don Corleone
01-31-2007, 21:24
A rich old oilman, 73 years old at the time, takes a local dancer from a gentleman's club as a wife, she being all of 23 at the time. He is happy, and very pleased when their union produces a child. He goes in for his checkup shortly after the birth of the child. Upon examining the oilman's vital signs, his blood pressure, and doing some blood work, he asks the oilman to meet him in his office.
"Bob", the doctor begins, "we've been friends for what 60 years"? "Something like that, Tom" the oilman replies. "You were in my wedding, you helped me buy my house and finish my degree. I was there for you when your first wife died. We're like brothers, right Bob?". "Of course", the oilman said. "Go ahead and tell me what you have to say".
"Well, Bob, it's like this. I've been looking at your testoserone levels, and.... you know what, let's try this a different way. Davey Crocket and Jim Bowie are standing on the shore of a pond. They see a beaver crawl across the top of it's lodge. Davie fires a shot and bam, the beaver drops, from 300 yards away. He hands the rifle to Jim Bowie. Jim quickly determines that the sighting on the rifle is signficantly off, certainly by 5 to 10 yards over a 300 yard trajctory. What's more, there's a hole in the firing pan of the rifle, so that back pressure won't form properly and a bullet would have a very low velocity. Finally, the firing pin was worn down, and couldn't have possibly ignited the primer. Jim handed the rifle back to Davie and says "that wasn't your kill". What do you say Bob..."
Without thinking twice, Bob answers "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver".
"That's what I'm trying to tell you, Bob".
Sasaki Kojiro
01-31-2007, 22:10
Ghandi was a holy man, and walked everywhere barefooted. He also adhered to a skinney-ing, spartan diet, which though healthy, reportedly caused bad breath.
So he was
A Super-Callused-Fragile-Mystic-with-Extreme-Halitosis.
might not translate well to those under 40.
heh, I always heard it "Super-Callused-Fragile-Mystic-Hexed-with-Halitosis".
I like the "hebrews" one, and Don's.
A rich old oilman, 73 years old at the time, takes a local dancer from a gentleman's club as a wife, she being all of 23 at the time.
Did you know J. Howard Marshall's doctor? :inquisitive:
:laugh4:
Speech: "I once had a dream. It was when I was asleep that one time. By the way, I forgot what the dream was about."
(Something I myself would typically say, heh heh.)
WARNING a nasty dark one
Kid son: "Dad, why am I walking in circles?"
Dad: "Argh, shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the ground too!"
"It's not that I hate them or wish them dead, really; it's just that I don't want them to be alive."
----
Well, they're not really jokes "per se", but I kinda got my dark humour, and when I look at that third one, I dunno.... it just lightens me up :P
A rich old oilman, 73 years old at the time, takes a local dancer from a gentleman's club as a wife, she being all of 23 at the time. He is happy, and very pleased when their union produces a child. He goes in for his checkup shortly after the birth of the child. Upon examining the oilman's vital signs, his blood pressure, and doing some blood work, he asks the oilman to meet him in his office.
"Bob", the doctor begins, "we've been friends for what 60 years"? "Something like that, Tom" the oilman replies. "You were in my wedding, you helped me buy my house and finish my degree. I was there for you when your first wife died. We're like brothers, right Bob?". "Of course", the oilman said. "Go ahead and tell me what you have to say".
"Well, Bob, it's like this. I've been looking at your testoserone levels, and.... you know what, let's try this a different way. Davey Crocket and Jim Bowie are standing on the shore of a pond. They see a beaver crawl across the top of it's lodge. Davie fires a shot and bam, the beaver drops, from 300 yards away. He hands the rifle to Jim Bowie. Jim quickly determines that the sighting on the rifle is signficantly off, certainly by 5 to 10 yards over a 300 yard trajctory. What's more, there's a hole in the firing pan of the rifle, so that back pressure won't form properly and a bullet would have a very low velocity. Finally, the firing pin was worn down, and couldn't have possibly ignited the primer. Jim handed the rifle back to Davie and says "that wasn't your kill". What do you say Bob..."
Without thinking twice, Bob answers "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver".
"That's what I'm trying to tell you, Bob".
Dude...thats baaaaaad...
Evil_Maniac From Mars
02-01-2007, 01:39
Kid son: "Dad, why am I walking in circles?"
Dad: "Argh, shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the ground too!"
:laugh4:
An amusing titbit I received in my inbox this morning...
Beer Study
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Quid
Omanes Alexandrapolites
02-01-2007, 13:41
:laugh4:
Women's Vocabulary...
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
Soft Sigh - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".
Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
InsaneApache
02-04-2007, 16:54
From the late, great Tommy Cooper...
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
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Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to Millets and said "I want to buy a tent."
He said "To camp?", I said (butchly) "Sorry, I want to buy a tent." I said "I also want to buy a caravan."
He said "Camper?"
I said (camply) "Make your mind up."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
We've all experienced deja vu in our lives, but did you know there are many variants of deja Vu that you may have throughout your life?
Deja boo: The feeling that I've been frightened like this before
Deja coup: The feeling my government has been overthrown like this before.
Deja clue: The feeling that colonel mustard has done it in the billiard room with the lead pipe before.
Deja do: The feeling my hairdresser has given me this cut before.
Deja eau: the feeling I've smelled this perfume before.
Deja fu: The feeling I've been kicked in the head like this before.
Deja who: The feeling I've known who was on first before.
Deja jew: The feeling I've wandered in the desert like this before.
Deja knew: The feeling that I remembered this information before (before the test, that was).
Deja loo: The feeling I've been to this bathroom before.
Deja moo: The feeling I've drank this milk before.
Deja mu: The feeling I've calculated the mean of this population before.
Deja new: The feeling I haven't experienced this before. (AKA, "Vuja De" - Nothing like this HAS EVER happened to me before.)
Deja ooh: The feeling I've exclaimed at these fireworks before.
Deja poo: The feeling I've stepped in this before.
Deja Q: The feeling I've encountered this entity before.
Deja rue: The feeling I've regretted this day before.
Deja stew: The feeling that this is made from the pot roast my mom served the week before.
Deja too: The feeling that I've experienced this before, also.
Deja two: The feeling that I've experienced this before, twice.
Deja woo: The feeling that heather has yelled at someone like this before.
Deja you: The feeling that YOU have experienced this before.
Deja zoo: The feeling that the monkey has done this in public before.
DUH-ja-vu: The feeling that the answer was so obvious, that you *surely* should have known it before. DUH!
A man walk into a bar walking his pet newt. The bartender says, "Hey Mac, what's that?" The man says, "It's a newt, his name is Tiny." The bartender says, "Why's his name Tiny?" To which the man replies, "Cause he's My newt."
A man walk into a bar walking his pet newt. The bartender says, "Hey Mac, what's that?" The man says, "It's a newt, his name is Tiny." The bartender says, "Why's his name Tiny?" To which the man replies, "Cause he's My newt."
Ha!
And Do "Deja-Q" Nice startreck reference
Geoffrey S
02-09-2007, 07:50
Q: Why do communists only drink herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft.
Pretty sure I've done that one before, but I digress.
this one's humor is not so funny in the joke as in the situation. when my brother was about 11, one day he and i and his friend were sitting at our dining room table. my brother and i was on one side, and his friend was sitting across from us. behind my brother's friend was a long hallway. we were talking when my brother's friend says "hey, you guys want to hear a dirty joke?' as soon as he said that, at the far end of the hallway, my brother and i could see my mother walking towards us with some of her friends from church. and they were definitely within earshot and they were getting closer. so my brother and i tried desparately to signal his friend who had his back towards the ladies. we tried the fake cough thingy, we tried to subtly shake our heads but the friend was so intent on telling the joke, that he was oblivious to what we were trying to do.
to make a short story long, once the situation had reached about defcon 2 i began formulating my own extraction from the inevitable mess. i reckoned i would 'throw them under the bus' i began thinking fake moral indignation and was planning my 'outraged' looked at the two i was sitting with, on the forthcoming profanity. at defcon 1 with my mother and friends real close behind him, he finally said the clincher. the whole thing took about 10 seconds. he said 'want to hear a funny joke?' "pigs in mud." my brother, who had been preparing to meet his maker, look at him confused for about 2 seconds then busted out laughing. he laughed non stop for about a hour. and the friend was still completely oblivious about the goings on behind him that made the joke even funnier. he just thought my brother loved the joke.
Here are some "dark ones" or cynical ones that aren't REALLY funny, unless you like cynicism or something... it could give you a smile on the face :P It's more about the tone / feel of a (real-life) situation which to me would be funny in a certain way :beam: ...and I'd actually be bold enough to be like this in real life :laugh4:
Q: What is the problem with humans?
A: They're human.
Man 1: Hey buddy! My fiancée is pregnant! Whaddaya t'ink o' dat?
Man 2: Beh. Aren't there enough humans already? It's just another baby born into the world... nothing special.
OR
Man 1: Hey buddy! My fiancée is pregnant! Whaddaya t'ink o' dat?
Man 2: So who made her pregnant?
NOTE: maybe a bit cruel or sexist, so view at your own risk.
A boy tells his mother he's going to go camping with his girlfriend.
Boy: Mom, I'm gonna go with Jessica. We're gonna camp in the woods.
Mother: Don't forget to bring a sleeping bag.
Boy: Arrgh... I already told you I'm going with Jessica!
pevergreen
04-04-2007, 00:41
Two men standing at the side of a building, a window is on the second story. The two men are named Sarge and Caboose. Sarge is wearing red, Caboose is wearing blue.
Sarge: Hmm, what are they doing in there...Caboose! Come over here, I need a boost!
Caboose: Ok. You are a nice person, people say good things about you.
Sarge: Not a morale boost, a physical one!
Caboose: I do not think you are tall enough to see through that window.
Sarge: Exactly. That's why I need your help.
Caboose: I do no think I am tall enough either.
Sarge: Idiot! I need a boost to see through.
Caboose: Also, my head is round, and that window is square.
Sarge: Uggh… come here bluetard.
Sarge props Caboose on his shoulders and Caboose peers round the room.
Sarge: What do you see?
Caboose: It has some walls, and some ceilings. No! Wait! Just one ceiling.
Sarge: No you idiot, not the room itself, what’s inside it!
Caboose looks at the 5 people dressed in blue chanting “Kill the reds! Kill the reds!” over and over.
Caboose: You are not going to like this….
How many chucks could a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could chuck norris?
Answer:
All of them.
A very bad joke:
Jim, Jack and Joe, three cowboys, were walking in the desert.
Jim asked Jack: "how much is 2+2?"
Jack answered: "why are you asking that, here, in the middle of the desert?"
Jim said: "Shut up! Answer the question: how much is 2+2?"
Jack answered: "that's 4!"
Bang! Bang!
Jim shoots Jack.
Joe asks Jim: "Why did you shoot Jack?"
Jim answers: "He knew too much!"
I'll grab my coat :creep:
A very bad joke:
Jim, Jack and Joe, three cowboys, were walking in the desert.
Jim asked Jack: "how much is 2+2?"
Jack answered: "why are you asking that, here, in the middle of the desert?"
Jim said: "Shut up! Answer the question: how much is 2+2?"
Jack answered: "that's 4!"
Bang! Bang!
Jim shoots Jack.
Joe asks Jim: "Why did you shoot Jack?"
Jim answers: "He knew too much!"
I'll grab my coat :creep:
:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:
:wall: :wall: :wall: :wall:
:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:
:skull: :skull: :skull: :skull:
:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:
:help: :help: :help: :help:
:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:
...
Sasaki Kojiro
04-05-2007, 06:29
Can someone explain that one to me?
Can someone explain that one to me?
I guess cowboys are really stupid where Andres comes from.~;)
Marshal Murat
04-05-2007, 21:32
The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Colony
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph, you use the phrase ‘”the laws of Nature and Nature’s God.” What are these Laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph, you refer to the “opinion of Mankind.” Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the “opinions of Mankind” are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be “self-evident.” Could you please elaborate? If they are as evident as you claim, then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness” seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that “among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the thirteen colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of said colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,” these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of those ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government....” Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the tradeoff considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies “ought to be Free and Independent States.” and that they are “Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.” Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organizational chart and vitas of the principal investigator.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne’s War.
10. What impact will your Declaration have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, an itemized budget, and a manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments will prove useful in revising your “Declaration of Independence.” We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to His Majesty King George III.
Comedic
Prince Cobra
04-13-2007, 20:32
Thank you, drone. It seems my sense of humour decided to show off here in the org. I rarely do this here unlike in the real life... enough advertising! Anyway, let this be a little refresh of this thread. Hope you like them.
So the first one... A Bulgarian delegation visits the White House with a strange offer for the American government. The Bulgarian government had decided to buy the most modern weapon USA has. Of course, the Americans are aware of the fact Bulgaria is a post communistic country and though a member of NATO and recently of the European Union is a relatively poor country. And of course the Bulgarian delegation is asked how they will buy the weapons.
' We will make an exchange,' the leading diplomat of the Bulgarians said, ' You will give us the weapons but we... politicians with the same power of destruction.'
-----
Just a glance on the Bulgarian history will prove it. Hope the future will be the different.
----
Another one.
In the socialist period of Bulgaria (1944-1989), the leading doctrine was the communism ( communism is when a full equality is achieved in the society). Something typical for the socialist countries (fortunately never become communistic, though the socialism is the phase before communism according to Charles Marx; actually it's an totalitarian regime of the Communist Party behind all these sweet words) is the difference between theory and practice. And since the Bulgarian likes to look at the reality with a sense of humour... here what happened
So somewhere during this socialistic period, one peasant felt confused: he lived in country that was determined to achieve the Communism but he did not know what Communism means. And since the man was very loyal to the Communist Party and voted for it in every elections (though it was the only party that participated in the elections and the vote was obligatory). And yet he did not know what is communism. He asked his wife but what a tragedy - she did not know! Then he decided to ask the local representative of the Party or so called local secretary of the Party. So he went to the secretary,
' Comrade Secretary, could you tell me what is communism?'
The secretary smiled. He knew he had to explain it in a simple way.
' Comrade, do you see my expensive shoes? When your poor sandals became like my shoes - this is communism!'
Happy from what he had heard the peasant went to his wife
' Darling, now I know what is Communism! '
The wife also became happy she knew the purpose of her life and forced her senses to hear her husband.
' Darling, I will explain you what is Communism... Have you seen the expensive shoes of the secretary... When his shoes became like my poor sandals this is communism!'
'The Court of King George III
London, England...'
Funniest. Post. Ever.
Warluster
04-15-2007, 00:21
This one might've been posted already.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Theres a Australian,American and Japanese sitting in a Sauna. All of a sudden a buzzing sound could be heard and the American starts talking to someone. Then he says bye.
'What was that?' asks the Australian,
'I ahve a phone installed into my ear' says the American. When all of a sudden a droning is heard. Its the Japanese guy.
'What was that?' asks the Australian,
'I ahev a pager installed into my head' says the Japanese. All of a sudden the Australian needs to go the toliet. When he comes back a bit of toliet paper is hanging from his crack.
'YOu have a bit of toleit paper hanging from you' says the American.
'No,no, that a fax machine' replies the Australian
okay, these are bad. sorry ahead of time
Michael Jackson and Debbie were in the maternity ward just after Debbie gave birth to their first child. Michael asked her "How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?" Debbie replied, "Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!"
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've
learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are
sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head. They were all sitting in a hair salon talking about their daughters. The brunette says,
"I was lookin throuh my daughter's purse and I found a pack of cigarettes! Do you believe that my daughter smokes!!
So then the redhead says, "Oh my gosh, I was looking through my daughter's purse and i found alcohol! Do you believe she's been drinking!!
So then the blond says "I was looking through my daughter's purse and I found a condom! Do you believe my daughter has a penis?!"
A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.
"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving. Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what to do about her. The captain said, I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this. He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, Why didn't anyone just say so? Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York.
(Deleted hotlink pic - Beirut)
edyzmedieval
04-17-2007, 00:10
Bijo, you cracked my night and woke my neighbours at 4 in the morning. :laugh4:
Pinched from another forum:
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees
in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers
about a computer peripheral problem.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse
balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement
Units). Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be
attempted by properly trained personnel. Before
proceeding,
determine the type of mouse balls by
examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls
will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball
removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop off method. Dom estic balls are
replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls
are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately. It is recommended that each person
have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum
customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls
should contact the local personnel in charge of
removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly
working balls is an unhappy customer."
King Henry V
04-19-2007, 20:32
Petition to Revoke the Independence of the United States of America
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
edyzmedieval
04-19-2007, 23:37
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Discriminatory!!! :laugh4:
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
:laugh4: :laugh4:
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
For 97.85 it's true...
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
That's British humor 101%... :laugh4:
Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
I sign this petition right now...
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
:laugh4:
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
Stop it please, my belly hurts!!! :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
German law in America = Democracy in North Korea. :smash:
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
This is worse than excommunication. :laugh4:
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
SO this is actually the point of this, ain't it? :beam:
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
This is totally hilarious!!! :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:
Marshal Murat
04-19-2007, 23:53
Just try to take those taxes!
(Cocks the shotgun)
Crazed Rabbit
04-20-2007, 04:23
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Nope, all you get is Hugh Grant.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Funny, you don't mention British car companies...
Thank you for your co-operation.
*America looks over this farcical document, then says 'No."*
*Britain says, 'But, er...'*
*America says, ' Now you get on out and be a good little regional power'*
*Britain slinks away dejectedly after saying 'Yes sir'*
~;p
Crazed Rabbit
seireikhaan
04-20-2007, 04:46
Okay, here's a pretty bad one.
Three people schedule an afternoon to have lunch together in a hot air balloon. After leaving, they wait a little while before opening their lunches.
The first person opens his lunch and finds a sharp knife. He doesn't need it, so he throws it out the balloon.
The second person opens his lunch and finds a sharp knife. He doesn't need it, so he throws it out the balloon.
The third person opens his lunch and finds a ticking bomb, so he chucks it out the balloon as fast as he can.
Later, they finish and return to their homes. The first person comes home and finds his mom crying. He asks what's wrong. She replies "Your father was killed this afternoon. A knife fell from the sky and killed him."
The second person comes home and finds his father crying. He asks what's wrong. The father replies "Your mother was killed this afternoon. A knife fell from the sky and killed her."
The third person comes home and finds his dad laughing on the couch. He asks what's so funny. The dad replies "I farted and the house next door blew up!"
edyzmedieval
04-20-2007, 09:51
I felt the need for some bad jokes. :grin:
@CR
Why should they? They're even crappier than the American ones. (except Bentley, Rolls Royce and Aston Martin)
Don Corleone
04-20-2007, 19:40
A teacher was asking her students what their fathers' did for a living.
"Mine's a truckdriver", little Tommy said.
"My dad is a dentist" Susie exclaimed.
"Nice, nice, very nice children", the teacher cooed, going around the room to each child in turn. Coming to the last one she asked "And you Jimmy, what does your father do?"
Jimmy looked absoutely humiliated. He weakly uttered "My dad is an exotic dancer at a gay bar. He shuffles around in a gold g-string and drunken middle-aged homosexuals stuff dollars down it. Sometimes, when we really need the money, he lets one of them take him home and have their way with him".
Horrified, the teacher sends all the other kids out to recess. "Jimmy, is that really true, what you said about your father?" she asked.
"No", Jimmy dejectedly admitted.
"Then why did you say such a thing?" she asked.
"Because I couldn't bring myself to tell the kids my Dad plays for the New York Yankees"
edyzmedieval
04-20-2007, 20:06
A teacher was asking her students what their fathers' did for a living.
"Mine's a truckdriver", little Tommy said.
"My dad is a dentist" Susie exclaimed.
"Nice, nice, very nice children", the teacher cooed, going around the room to each child in turn. Coming to the last one she asked "And you Jimmy, what does your father do?"
Jimmy looked absoutely humiliated. He weakly uttered "My dad is an exotic dancer at a gay bar. He shuffles around in a gold g-string and drunken middle-aged homosexuals stuff dollars down it. Sometimes, when we really need the money, he lets one of them take him home and have their way with him".
Horrified, the teacher sends all the other kids out to recess. "Jimmy, is that really true, what you said about your father?" she asked.
"No", Jimmy dejectedly admitted.
"Then why did you say such a thing?" she asked.
"Because I couldn't bring myself to tell the kids my Dad plays for the New York Yankees"
:laugh4:
How crude.
A teacher was asking her students what their fathers' did for a living.
"Mine's a truckdriver", little Tommy said.
"My dad is a dentist" Susie exclaimed.
"Nice, nice, very nice children", the teacher cooed, going around the room to each child in turn. Coming to the last one she asked "And you Jimmy, what does your father do?"
Jimmy looked absoutely humiliated. He weakly uttered "My dad is an exotic dancer at a gay bar. He shuffles around in a gold g-string and drunken middle-aged homosexuals stuff dollars down it. Sometimes, when we really need the money, he lets one of them take him home and have their way with him".
Horrified, the teacher sends all the other kids out to recess. "Jimmy, is that really true, what you said about your father?" she asked.
"No", Jimmy dejectedly admitted.
"Then why did you say such a thing?" she asked.
"Because I couldn't bring myself to tell the kids my Dad plays for the New York Yankees"
Heard that about 20 times with different punchlines (last one was, aptly, the English Cricket Team)
seireikhaan
04-21-2007, 16:26
Petition to Revoke the Independence of the United States of America
[SIZE="7"]
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
Very funny, but wrong. Baseball is also played in east Asia. Japan is particularly good at it. In fact, Japan won the World Baseball Classic, beating Cuba in the title game. The USA didn't even get to the finals. It seems that only 2.15% of Brits know know that there is a world beyond SOCCER and Europe. Oh, and who killed JFK? That's an easy one. I DID! Bwahaha!:smg:
seireikhaan
04-21-2007, 16:39
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly
working balls is an unhappy customer."
Yikes. No kidding.
Very funny, but wrong. Baseball is also played in east Asia. Japan is particularly good at it. In fact, Japan won the World Baseball Classic, beating Cuba in the title game. The USA didn't even get to the finals. It seems that only 2.15% of Brits know know that there is a world beyond SOCCER and Europe. Oh, and who killed JFK? That's an easy one. I DID! Bwahaha!:smg:
:laugh4:
Seriously, I hate to tell you, but the only countries that play baseball or gridiron are those that were occupied by the USA and forced to ~;)
Boyar Son
04-22-2007, 04:07
Man, cant I do anything without having a British guy telling me what or how I should do it?? -K COSSACK
Boyar Son
04-22-2007, 05:28
Petition to Revoke the Independence of the United States of America
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
We here by refuse to have a new leader. At least this one doesnt take orders.
Queen Elizebeth would wet herself in the thought of actually governing, but we have interest in taking the day off so have the coach of your soccer team to manage, he'll do a much better job.
The USA knows there are others around the world, why do you think we pwn all who oppose us?
I revoke the changing of the pronounciation of aluminum.
We'll change our vocabulary knoweledge if you get rid of "bugger of" and "bloody", every thing is bloody to you guys.
We spelled Pittsburgh the way it is because we knew the English cant cope with a different spelled word that sounds the same.
As for #3: we call 'em like we hear 'em.
English actors will be used for movies that are about the Revolution.
Also, why would we want God to save the Queen? God save your heathen idol worshiping.
Football is popular here, and is fun with real American athletes, not the euro copying the game then wonders why should they catch with their hands instead of kicking a ball around for hours. If you try the game, you'll probably wince because of the bruises you have, or worse, curse the game and blame the Americans for being so good at it and liking it.
Playing without protection are what the mentally ill do(please keep them safely secure)
We will keep the right not to house any British soldier though, lest he talks about the unimportant Queen or tea tax.
The 4 of July will be kept, also, the war of 1812 will be marked as an after party.
No car can beat the style of the Impala or the rugedness of Ford. So we'll keep things as is.
Intersection will be kept, unless we want another version of the merry go round.
Thick patatoe, warm beer? how do you live man?!?!?!
American beer will will always trump that washed down "bitter" (the name speaks for itself).
We will keep the gas prices as is, and the name too; get used to it.
We will keep the therapists, so we wont go mad like some of you, keep our weopons just incase you try pulling a fast one on us, and keep our lawers to sue British tourists for lousy reasons.
We already said who shot JFK, cant you stop watching soccer for one minute?
Our taxes have been paid in the form of crest and colgate along with listerine, you know, good ol' American dentistry. We will send more since British teeth are a little more susceptible to plaque, thus making women more attractive? sound like a plan.
A copy of this will be made in large print for the Queen (no King?)
InsaneApache
04-22-2007, 07:18
I hate to break it to you, but Sapi isn't a Brit. :laugh4:
BTW this is a joke thread, if you really feel the need to vent your spleen, may I invite you to post in the backroom. :bow:
Hey, I take offense at being called a brit :grin2:
Anyways, :focus:
Boyar Son
04-22-2007, 14:15
I hate to break it to you, but Sapi isn't a Brit. :laugh4:
BTW this is a joke thread, if you really feel the need to vent your spleen, may I invite you to post in the backroom. :bow:
What? I'm not flaming him
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