A civil war tale

[Kaiser of Arabia]

I'm writing this for fun constructive critisisim is welcome.

A Civil War Tale
By Caporegime

Part 1
Chapter 1: The Birth of a Hero

Colonel Greenford drew his saber and bellowed the command "charge," and his men dashed at the Union lines. Greenford was at the front of the assault. The rebel soldiers had been fighting with him since Manasas, nearly two years ago. Many of them, like Greenford himself, were born and raised in Alabama, and they'll be damned if they're going to let the Union forces cut of General Early's brigade from the rest of Jackson's division! They were intent on driving those yankees from their positions and not even God himself could stop them now!

The rebels flooded over the makeshift fortifications that the Pennsylvania troops had constructed over the last two days. The union soldiers, caught off guard by the attack, could offer little resistance to the battle-hardened veterans of the 14th Alabama. They fell by the score. Unlike the Confederates, they had little experience, and half of them couldn't even old a musket right! One of the first to fall was the regiments commander, Colonel Giffard, and with him died the morale of his men. After a mere six minutes of fighting, the Pennsylvanian boys routed and deserted their positions on Avery hill. Out of the five hundred Yankess, a mere two hundred sixteen returned. Less than fifty Rebels fell. Greenford began to re-orginize his men.
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General Early advanced his brigade against the Union's left flank, as planned, while Wofford and Hood assaulted the right flank. And, to make a grave situation worse for the north, Jeb Stuart's cavalry charged their rear. As the corpses started to pile up, the Union commander, who was safley behind his reservers, drew his pistol and shot himself. He would be too humilianted after losing to a rebel army a third the size of his. His subordinate, and now commander of the Union army, was engaged deep withing the fighting. Surrounded, he let himself be bayonetted by confederate infantry. Hours passed, and the union, a massive force of volenteers, draftees, immigrants, and outright scum was nearly annihaleted by the Confederate infantry. Out of over a thirty thousand men, fifteen thousand died on the battlefield, and another ten thousand of wounds obtained while fighting that battle. The Confederates lost a little over seventeen hundred men. It was a striking blow to the Union, the only army between Richmond and Philidelphia lay dead on the feilds of Lexington. The survivors fell back to Washington D.C.

The Confederate Commander, a General by the name of Scott Wininfield Royce took credit for the great victory. A week after the battle, he held a banquet at richmond to celebrate. Colonel Greenford attended.

The band opened with a marvelous rendition of "Dixie Land," and once that had ended, the elite of Richmond gathered around General Royce to hear his speech. As he aproached the podium, the room filled with applause and cheering. After the crowd silenced, Royce started.
"Fellow Southerners," he began, grinning,"One week ago tommorow, our heroic forces met a vast army of the Tyranical Dictator Lincoln, a force so large, it could fill the state of Maryland and still have some yankees left over for killin'," The room filled with laughter,"Our brave boys secured victory from the clutches of the fiendish legions of the enemy Lincoln."
"Yeah, sure," grumbled Greenford, but was quickly shushed by those surrounding him,
"This triumph," Royce continued, "would not be possible without the heroic efforts of of Generals Suart, Wofford, Hood and Early!" The room once again filled with appaluse. Greenford, disgusted by the pompous Royce, forced his way out of the Banquet hall. He belonged with his men, not dining with the elite of Richmond.

Back at the banquet, the applause had ceased and Royce continued his speech.
"But we must stay vigilant!" he said,"At any moment, more Yankees might swarm across the boarder, and it will have to be us who will fight and die to defend our homeland! I must take my leave of you now, but never forget my words tonight!" The room, for the last time, filled with applause as Royce forced his way through the crowd and into a stagecoach with his wife, Rachel. She was pregnant with their first child. He was a 'hero' to the people, but both he and his advisors knew he could never be a true hero.
======================================================
So, what do you think so far?
-Capo

[zelda12]

Pretty good, you could use more description though as it adds more depth and perception to your writing.

For instance.
Colonel Greenford drew his saber and bellowed the command "charge," and his men dashed at the Union lines. Greenford was at the front of the assault. The rebel soldiers had been fighting with him since Manasas, nearly two years ago. Many of them, like Greenford himself, were born and raised in Alabama, and they'll be damned if they're going to let the Union forces cut of General Early's brigade from the rest of Jackson's division! They were intent on driving those yankees from their positions and not even God himself could stop them now!

The rebels flooded over the makeshift fortifications that the Pennsylvania troops had constructed over the last two days. The union soldiers, caught off guard by the attack, could offer little resistance to the battle-hardened veterans of the 14th Alabama. They fell by the score. Unlike the Confederates, they had little experience, and half of them couldn't even old a musket right! One of the first to fall was the regiments commander, Colonel Giffard, and with him died the morale of his men. After a mere six minutes of fighting, the Pennsylvanian boys routed and deserted their positions on Avery hill. Out of the five hundred Yankess, a mere two hundred sixteen returned. Less than fifty Rebels fell. Greenford began to re-orginize his men.

Sounds alot better like so:
Colonel Greenford drew his saber and bellowed the command "charge," and his men dashed at the Union lines. Greenford was at the front of the assault. The rebel soldiers had been fighting with him since Manasas, nearly two years ago. Many of them, like Greenford himself, were born and raised in Alabama, and they'll be damned if they're going to let the Union forces cut of General Early's brigade from the rest of Jackson's division! They were intent on driving those yankees from their positions and not even God himself could stop them now!

The mass of confederate soldiers ran headlong towards the yankee positions. On the top of the embankment a yankee liutenant yelled out a warning and the entire line exploded in fire and smoke as the hundreds of yankee soldiers opened fire twenty yards from the charging confedrates. Up and down the Confederate line men were tossed backwards blood spurting from their bloody red gaping wounds. Greenford was surprised by the light casualties his men had taken and laughing as he ran realised that the green troops in front of his had fired high.

Yelling like mad men the rebs flooded over the makeshift fortifications that the Pennsylvania troops had constructed over the last two days. The union soldiers, caught off guard by the attack, could offer little resistance to the battle-hardened veterans of the 14th Alabama. They fell by the score. Unlike the Confederates, they had little experience, and half of them couldn't even old a musket right! One of the first to fall was the regiments commander, Colonel Giffard, and with him died the morale of his men. After a mere six minutes of fighting, the Pennsylvanian boys routed and deserted their positions on Avery hill. Out of the five hundred Yankess, a mere two hundred sixteen returned. Less than fifty Rebels fell. Greenford began to re-orginize his men.

Just a small change of an extra paragraph but the result is a more tense action I think and by no way am I critising you just offering advise.

[Kaiser of Arabia]

You're right, your absolutely right.
Thank you!
-Capo

[Ludens]

A very good battle account, Caporegime1984. The narrative is very clear, you are able to describe the situation clearly in just a few words. However, I agree with Zelda that somewhat more description would do the story good.
Also, if you are going to turn it into a series, you might want to have a main character, like colonel Greenford. This provides someone for the reader to sympathize with. To do this, you need to change the perspective from 'all-seeing' to a more 'Greenford-centered' point-of-view, though it is not necesary to focus the story entirely on Greenford's experience.

But I hope you will post part 2 soon.

[Kaiser of Arabia]

Both Greenford and Royce are the main characters, and the story isn't done yet. They both die though at the end (I haven't written up to the end yet, I have written about halfway through the next chapter, I'll post it later) so there really can be no series, and I did make the begining kind of impersonal at first, but at the banquet you can see (at least I think you can, can you? I am not the best writer) it getting more focused on these two men.
-Capo

[Kaiser of Arabia]

Chapter 2: The Calm before the Storm

The next day, Royce summoned all of the officers directly under his command to a meeting in the Richmond Administrative building. Once the last officer, the always tardy Colonel Harrington, arrived, Royce commenced the meeting, starting with, "Gentlemen, out last victory destroyed the only Yankee army between us and Philidelphia. I have gained the approval of President Davis to march straight through Maryland and take the city!"
"Are you mad?" began Brigadier General Vincent Bethune, a tall, young man of great intellect, despite his little experience. He had recently replaced the late Alan Hill as commander of the Hattaras Brigade. "The north will bleed themselves dry to keep that city! And what if General Meade marches from Gettysburg to flank us, or worse yet, General Richelieux from New York?" General Richelieux was a french general who emigrated to the US to fight in the war.
"He won't," barked General Tarkstein. A short, stocky man, Tarkstein was the only Jewish general the CSA had. "How would they even know?"
"The Union has spys in Richmond, just as we have spys in Washington." answered back the unusually pessimistic Bethune.
"Even if they did show up, do you think those northern boys can stand up to our troops?" said Harrington. Harrington was an aging, fat Colonel who had been the son of an afluent land owner down in Georgia.
"Dammit man, there would be no way we could win? By sheer numbers alone the union-"
"SILENCE!" screamed Royce, his face turning red, as he banged his fist onto the table. "My mind is already made up! Tommorow, we march to Philedelphia!"

At that very moment, Greenford sat inside a tavern in the heart of Richmond. He had spent the night there, not feeling like walking all the way back to camp. He was downing his fith ale of the hour when Lieutenant Nelson,an officer under his command, and a distant relative of the famous Horatio Nelson, walked in, and spotted him.
"Colonel! Some men of the 14th Alabama have broken into a store and are looting it now!"
Greenford, incoherent with drink, babled somthing about pigs or chickents, Nelson couldn't particularly understand him, before collapsing into a pool of his own drool. Nelson left the tavern to deal with the looters, harshly.

Greenford woke up in the tavern owner's bed. Next to the bed was a canteen full of water that the tavern's owner, a distant cousin of Greenford, had left there for him. Greenford, though sober, had a terrible hangover from all that ale. Slowly he began to sip the water, and began thinking about what Nelson had said. Looters. Greenford was surprised he even remembered what Nelson had told him because, at that moment, he was the most intoxicated he had ever been in his life. It was unusual for him to drink like he did, but it was not unheard of. After his participation at Manassas, he was a Captian then, he was drunk for two days straight! Greenford finished off the water and began to walk torwards the bedroom door.

General Royce crept into his richmond villa. His wife was asleep, he did not want to wake her. He sneaked into the kitchen and found himself a nice hard roll, the recipie of which his wife picked up on their stay in New York before the war. He sliced it in half, and buttered it. Then he picked up a few belongings of his and left, while eating his buttered roll, which he enjoyed, very much. In a week, he would be in Maryland, on his way to philedelphia. The thought troubled him. What if he was killed in battle? His pregnant wife would be left to fend for herself! He couldn't let that happen. Not in a million years, he would survive that war, he thought to himself. He noticed how calm it was that day, then he remembered some saying he had heard somewhere, and he thought it was the calm before the storm.

[Ludens]

I did make the begining kind of impersonal at first, but at the banquet you can see (at least I think you can, can you? I am not the best writer) it getting more focused on these two men.
I could. But you write a bit like a journalist: clear, but skimpy with details. Not only your battle scenes, but also you 'personal scenes'. I always compare details to flavour: they add spice to a story.

The second chapter was better, much better. I still think you need to space the events out a bit more and add more detail, but you are on the right path. Mind you, that is my opinion. Other people might think otherwise ~;) .

Anyway, well done. Looking forward to the next part.

[Kaiser of Arabia]

Chapter three: First Skirmishes.

The next day, the army began to move north, through Virginia. The march went smoothly for about a week, however, a Yankee Patrol spotted the army. Nine days after the march had begun. The army was still in Virginia, rain storms had slowed them down. They were about twenty miles from the maryland boarder when a Yankee Infantry Brigade opposed Royce's army.

Royce ordered General Bethune to move his brigade to oppose the enemy. Bethune took up postition on a small ridge to the south-east of the Union position. He was outnumbered by almost a thouand men, but he had the advatage of an easily defended position and artillery support. His men prepard for battle.

Colonel Greenford's regiment was among the units in Bethune's brigade. Greenford readied his men for the Yankee attack. He drew his saber and began shouting orders at the Captains who then bellowed orders at the leutenants, and so it went on throughout the command chain. Greenford had his men load their rifles, and attach their bayonets to the end. He suspected that the Yanks would charge up the hill and try to beat them in a melee.

A half an hour later, the Yanks began to move torwards the hill. It was a massive brigade, formed of eight regiment with almost a thousand men each. The Rebel artillery began firing, and smashed holes through the union line. However, the casualties were like drops of water in a bucket to the Union Brigade. By the time they reached the hill, they had been reduced by about nine hundred men, but they still outnumberd the Rebels substansially. They halted when they reached the base of the hill. Many of the troops were covered in mud and dirt, and some had minor wounds from the shrapnel that resulted from the Rebels case shot. Their wounded cried out for help, but no one moved. They were a diciplined, but their commander, a West Point graduate named Veganer, was inexperienced and left his flanks open to Confederate Canister from the extreme left and right flanks of the Confederate army.

However, that did little to improve the morale of the Southerners. They were outnumbered by at least five thousand men, and they faced an elite, diciplined foe. Colonel Greenford tried to encourage his men by telling them that the yanks were cowards and that in less they'll be scard away by the sounds of their own muskets, but his men still worried. Finally, the yankees began to march up the hill.

It took them two minutes to get within firing range of the Rebel muskets, and when they did, the Southerners let loose a massive volly that killed almost half of a regiments worth of men. However, there were still more, and the Confederates reloaded. By the time the Northern Brigade had stopped, they were ready to release another volly, and when the Yankee Doodles took aim at the rebels, the south released a volly of minie balls and cannister into the face of their foes which took out a huge amount of yankees. Blood ran down the small hill like a river, and the wounded baked in the midday sun as the Northern and Southern Armies exchanged vollies. Casualties were grievous, on both sides, as brothers fell in combat on this hot July day.

Colonel Greenford was trying to get his men to hold position, but his brigade was hard hit by volly after volly of Union bullets, which tore through his ranks like butter. Many of his sergants and lieutenats were dead, so it was up to him and a few other surviving officers to try to fill in the ranks with more men. His men fired again, and the opposing brigades Colonel fell, but a Major took command and the brigade held. The battle raged on, and men fell as heros, but many lived. And the survivors fought on, many wounded, to drive the yankees from the hill. A rifle bullet struck Greenford through the hand, but he fought on with his remmington untill he ran out of bullets. He stayed with his men, which were now reduced to less than four companies worth of men. But they fought on, determined to die for their country, for their home. Finally, after three bloody hours of fighting, the Yankee brigade withdrew. Their commander and six of their Colonels did not return to their camp. Nor did almost 5,000 men. The Confederates lost only one colonel, but still took around two thousand casualties. The blood on their tiny ridge was so thick that the grass was scarcly visible.

Colonel Greenford wept that night, for his men, for himself, and for the stupidity of general Royce.

[Ludens]

Good to see you pick up the story again, Capo. But I wonder, did you take your time to reread this story before you posted it? Because it contains a number of obvious typo's, especially at the beginning.

So the story is going to evolve into a personal war between Royce and Greenford? Well, I look forward to reading that. Good luck with part four.

[Kaiser of Arabia]

There are a few, I just noticed that. It's not too bad though. I'll go back and fix tehm later.