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The Stranger
03-02-2005, 15:13
"This day, is the day men. This day we shall fight, fight for our future. As long as we believe that we'll win, we shall do so. Tonight we face the Germanic Barbarians, a though tribe. But after we've won, we can create a own empire, and take on those nasty Romans. So take up your swords and put on your helmets, and we descendents of the Mighty Heracles shall triumph these barbarians." We all cheered after these words, and i knew nothing could go wrong as long as Alexander of Myra led us in battle. This was 7 years ago, my first battle. I was very nervous, but the sight of my brothers on my side, calmed me down. Now 7 years later we face a even bigger threat, and i'm nervous again, and for a strange reason it felt good to be nervous. Never before i've been so cautioned as now.

I'm just a regular hoplite, a sexy hoblite though, but still a rugular one. My name is Adrianus from Tripola, but my friends calle me Adrian the III. I've joined the army after the Romans chased us out of our homes, and killed my family, i was the only one that could escape. After some time of walking the lands i met a big army, led by Alexander of Myra. I asked him if he needed a soldier. He smiled and said: "How more soules how more Joy. I immediatly felt comfortable in his presence. The soldiers treated me as their brother, and i felt as i found my second home
Alexander told us, that there was a beautiful country in the far northern lands. No one controlled those lands he said. But boy, was he wrong. Since our journey, we've been fighting the whole way long. We've lost lots of brothers but our faith in Alexander never wavered. What's left of our army, is the backbone. Battlescarred veterans, that have been with me, drenched in blood knee-high, and fought to the death every battle. We're brothers, family. Alexander never lost us a battle, but this time even we, the veterans that stood side by side with him every battle.

Rotterdam, just a tiny city in this big country, is maybe the last thing many of us shall ever see. We're joined with some fresh soldiers, three week wonders we called them, because that's all the training the've got. But it doesn't matter how strong you are or how much training you've got, cause when you set foot on a battlefield you're changed forever.

more coming soon (ready for suggestions and tips)

master of the puppets
03-14-2005, 14:31
pretty good
great storyline
but add more detail, thats what keeps the story gripping.

Quietus
03-15-2005, 08:03
I agree with Master of the puppets. You need to stretch it out a bit.

Some suggestions:

Break down the larger paragraphs.
Check the spellings.
Use appropriate quotation marks, period and comma.

I liked this part:


He smiled and said: "How more soules how more Joy. I immediatly felt comfortable in his presence.

But you need to clean it up just a bit.

He smiled and said: "How more souls, how more Joy". Immediately felt comfortable in his presence.

Now go back and rewrite the story again and use "save as" in your Word file. Compare. And you will see the difference just by looking at it.

I like short stories. Personally, the actual story is the bonus. What's really interesting to me is the combination and arrangement of words. That's the stimulating part - the articulation. ~:)

The Stranger
03-15-2005, 10:55
thanx

master of the puppets
03-24-2005, 02:48
my pleasure