who can give me advice for my story

[king michael]

the roman war
chapter 1 childhood for julius
Julius's life was a terrible life his dad was in war all the time and his mother was arrested for assault to there neibhours so that left juluis on the street by himself.when his mother got out of jail she went to go find julius.She looked were he usally was but he was not there so she asked a lady did she see here son.The lady said there playing chasing around the palace.Julius's mom was in shock she tought here son had been kidnapped.She went to the temple and looked for here som when she looked inside here son and his freind were talking to the king.then his mother heared the king said you are my hire.So she went home to see here husband was home she huged him as julius came in.Julius told them the news they were so excited that they had a party that night.the next day the king had a heartattack.Julius was sent a message to go to the temple.he and his mom went well his dad went to the barracks to make a party for his son.When Julius was told that the king was dead and cause he was hire to the throne he had to be king.later that day julius was in his room crying he missed the king but later he was happy cause he got a party.He even went to the kings cremation.When julius took commmand he put taxes lower and made more houses he let children in his palace but he got strict when he turned 15.He built arrow range's and stable's he got every stable man in rome.Julius stilled prayed to king theoden at night.Now he started to attack diffrent places like athens and sparta.julius was now called king julius ceaser.every body hated ceaser even his family.julius kept a diary in his palace.This is what he wrote in it 12/4/602 dear diary I miss my family they have been kidnapped from there house and my dad was killed.tomorrow we are going to war ageinst the spartens.till tomortrow,.the king told his genral to get his army ready were going to war with the spartens.The genral formed a legion of men

[master of the puppets]

first and formost i shall say what so many others would tell you, check your spelling, go to spellcheck.
also one of the most important thing for any tale spinner is to be elaborate, let a single simple sentence sound fantastic and captivating. details are what you should incorperate directly into the work not as an afterthought. this is your peice...

So she went home to see here husband was home she huged him as julius came in.Julius told them the news they were so excited that they had a party that night.
and here is how a verteran writer may write it

She walked back into the house past the bussleing slaves. and turned into her splendid bed room, she saw a muscled back and gave a delighted whimper, Julius turned and met his wifes eyes. the beautiful woman ran into his open arms and reveled in his being. Julius then laughed out the imformation he so wished to impart. The slave who had lingered in the doorway smiled, seeing him julius gave the order to ready a horse, he would deliver invitations. knowing what was coming next the wife gave a shining smile and began to lay out plans for a party.

see those are lots of details. i know its a bit more time consuming but it comes out as a better result. or at least in my opinion you may differ if you will.

[Monk]

Greetings king michael, and welcome to the mead hall. Since you asked for advice i shall give my thoughts.


I agree with MotP, you really need to elaborate. You state what is happening but do not describe the scene, characters, or anything. You might also want to take more time to edit before you post.

For instance, you never once use a ','. (technically you do, but i'm guessing it's a typo as its right next to a '.') The sentences are running together and its nearly impossible to read if you like to read through things fast. It feels rushed, like you tried to type this really fast and get it posted. One thing i've learned is writing is not a race. The more time you take crafting your story, editing, and reviewing it the better it will be. sometimes it takes me a week to write 2 or 3 pages because i'm searching for the perfect way to present my story.

You should state how this boy knew the king and why he'd be the heir. Remember the reader knows nothing about what you're talking about, so if you don't tell them in some little way they won't know. You should explain why he wanted to start a war and why his family was kidnapped by the spartans.

You should write in MS word then copy+paste to the .org. word has spell check and picks up a lot of grammar errors. Plus there's a spell check here at the .org.