The Collosal empire by Berserker!

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

This my first and perhaps only time I will spell and use grammer better~D (look, it's showing the now!!!)

Anyway let's get on with the story:


PART 1: THE START
It was 110bc, the mighty Roman empire was flourishing quickly and conquered many provinces. They conquered almost the whole west, and learned so much that they knew about the whole world. Most of this knowledge was learnt from the conquered lands. The Carthaginians for example showed the Romans how trade and flourish with their trading skills and showed the Romans the power of elephants and....... well, you get the idea.Anyway I could talk about the expertise of the Roman empire all night long but no, I shall get to the point.
Most of this fame and glory wouldn't have been so great if it was not for a great soldier which I shall tell you now.

PART 2: THE HERO
The person I shall tell you about is Manius, a street rat. He was tall and had a body built like a tank and had a roar so loud it was like having 50 voices screaming extremely loudly in your eardrum. his claim to fame was when the roman army was needing a sneaky fellow to spy on Eygpt. The street rat signed up instantly. He was sent to a general who interviewed him.
"Now, what's your name and where do you live?"
Asked the general in a rough voice. "Sire, I am called Manius and I have no home, I am a street rat." Answered Manius.Manius gulped hoping that the general wouldn't dismiss him because he was a street rat. "Street rat,you say?" said the general. "Yes." said Manius. "Do you want to know a secret?" "Yes." "I am a street rat as well as you. Did you know that?" "No" "I'll let you in but don't mess about, the army will be all over me because I was meant to train you." "Ok"

Manius left the room. He was sent to Eygpt and was brilliant at the mission, Manius brought back a wealth of information. He was then sent to Legion XI and fought his first battle which I will tell you now.


Right, that is enough,More tomorrow.What do you think?

Berserker!

[Craterus]

I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's good, I look forward to the next installment. :grin:

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

Right, another part!



PART 3:BATTLE

The battle was nearing, the sun scorching the troops, their armour made it worse."Men, the Egyptians have many elephants, remember the tactic I told you about earlier, clear?" The general finished and then his senetence was replied by a chant of "Aye!"s. The general went up to Manius and said:"Hello, street rat!" The other soldiers jeered at Manius. "Stop it!" screamed Manius who then bashed the general's head off Manius's shield boss.Bang!."Agrhhhhh!"Screamed the general.
Just then, a arrow gone right into the general's eye."Oh no!Oh no! Our leader's dead!!"Said a young soldier. And so, the soldier took out his sword and stabbed hisself in the heart. "Stupid, cowering soldier!" cried a laughing officer."Right we need to battle, stop going on about the general! I'll replace his role." said Manius. "Ok sire!" said the bodyguards who hated the previous general."Right, march!"so the troops marched up a dune and stopped there." Right,charge! Hurry up,go!Go!" "Charge!"cried the soldiers.

like it?i'm doing more parts.

[Craterus]

Sounds good, you could slow it down a bit though and maybe make more of a fuss abouth the death of the general, I felt that it moved quite fast..

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

the general was sersiorly hated that's why it was rushed. only a few liked him, like that soldier who killed hiself, stupis idiot~;)

[Craterus]

lol, I laughed at that bit..

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

one thing that is strange that i'm got only 20 posts and doing a story like the one on the title(well,duh!~;p )

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

Part 4 continued,

PART 4:BATTLE




There was a clash of swords and spears as they charged, arrows and javilins raining above them.Many screamed in pain as a huge flaming firepot landed on them(could have beem worse, you know, could have been a flaming pig!~D )
"Damn it!Right, fire!"cried Manius. "Ready?fire!" Many arrows and javilins and huge firepots landed on the Eygpts and killed a many thousand of them, IN ONE OR TWO VOLLEYS!"Hahahahahahahaha!!!Thank goodness they know how to make mummies! Mhahahahahahahaha!!"thought Manius.(what a cruel man!~D) Manius was cocky and charged into the Eygptian's infantry.In a instant Manius's horse was killed and Manius was on his own..... what will happen? Find out later.

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

Sorry part 3.

[cunobelinus]

very good cant wait for later parts

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

Continueddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd................................

Manius slashed at a soldier's neck. "Di..................ctttt!" screamed the soldier."help!!!!"Manius cried,"What a general, going right into the heat,stupid idiot!"thought a officer."look! Manius is trapped!Help him!Charrrgeeeee!!" cried his bodyguards.Just then a volley of arrows were flying at Manius."I'm done for.... unless I cover my head with my shield and swing my spear around to keep the soldiers......yes! that's it!" thought Manius.he did so and it worked! A 100 soldiers were killed by friendly fire!This cleared the way for Manius to get the hell out of there! The battle was won as the brave Romans killed the rest(the 100 kills came in handy!) The soldiers cheered for Manius and cheered and cheered and cheered.He was blessed by the gods! And so he was premoted as Dictator and general and lived a live of killing,burning,leading and war... happily!
He was the best! but no one lives forever... as you will see....


PART 4:DEATH



80 years later, Manius lied on his deathbed."Son,"he croaked"will you continue my work?""yes,yes I will,father""Son,i................"

Manius died that moment. his son, Brutus, wept for a hour, then, he got back his strenth and so continued Manius's work.Brutus continued his life like Manius like that lucky (and very very jammy) escape, that happened the exact same way to Brutus.How he led his life in detail.... well that is for another story, my dear readers.....

that is it... the end of the story. did you like it?

[Craterus]

Manius lay on his deathbed. I think I noticed a few other speeling and gramatical errors throughout the story.

Other than that, it was a great story.. The death was a bit rushed though. Will we be hearing about Brutus' life?

Well Done :grin3: :wink2:

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

i might do more. the reason why manius death was rushed was that I missed a bit of it... because I didn't want you to see it!~D

no it was because Manius had a terrible disease and many wounds thats why

[Craterus]

Ok lol, when you become a full-fledged member you will be able to edit your posts and make some updates on the end of your story.

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

I really hope the moderaters have saw this I hope i'm promoted to member.(oh no I'm probarly going to not be promoted for saying that!:uhoh: )

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

righty then, i will need ideas for my next story so help me. the ones i don't put in will put at the bottom so people can see the suggestions

[Craterus]

Ok then, is your next story "the life of Brutus" ?? Or something else? I can't really think about suggestions until you tell me the context of your next story.

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

yes it's going to be called the life of brutus...... the context is similar to the collosal empire story, 4 or 5 parts, intro duction, joining the army ,battle, then i might put neogociiation as part 4, I might put even more parts about other things happening in brutus life then death. that is the context.

[Craterus]

Ok, well you could go a bit deeper, maybe into his love life? Or his life with his friends? Not such a basic storyline. There's my suggestion. Good Luck. ~D

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

sure, thanks Crateaus!~:grouphug:

[Craterus]

Np, happy to help. Have you ever read historical fiction? That is a great source of inspiration and some brilliant books can help you get started off with your stories.

[Monk]

Ok...first i've been busy or i would have gotten to this sooner. i apologize for that not replying before now. I'd like to say these are my thoughts on this story, if you wish ignore me then that's ok ~:) , but i'm just trying to help.

First off, it may be me, but your text is huge. not sure if that was on purpose or a copy+paste error but its quite big. Maybe you're trying to get attention, but Big text isn't how you do that ~;) . IMHO you use "..." too many times. in speech it's fine but you don't need to use more than three or four dots in a row when you're in dialogue. the reason to which is simple, you end up with 1/4 of a line taken by dots. Three dots will imply a pause or unconnected series of syllables from a speaker.

You should also separate your dialogue when it's being spoken by different people. Start a new paragraph when someone new talks, it helps the reader see who is talking to whom without getting confused. Also you should try to include the tone of voice and way a certain thing is said.

Comparing things with the time period would also help with the immersion of the reader into the story. just an example, saying Manius had a body like a tank is sort of out of context for the story. just a thought

Lastly you really should add more details. A lot of things in the story are described with one line, sometimes in half a sentence. The setting, area of the story, they should at least be touched upon if you wish the ready to have a good visual of where they are.

those are my thoughts...

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

Ok Monk, i'm thankful that someone has pointed out thoughts, i will take that into consideration. Oh well, I guess it it's my first story, so, ill be doing better in my later story, the life of brutus

[Copperhaired Berserker!]

the new story, The life of Brutus has started! here's the link:

https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showthread.php?t=46952