Santa Samurai: A Direct-It-Yourself Campaign of Festive Death

[frogbeastegg]

Gentlemen, I bring news from the war. Grave news. Treachery! Dishonour! Infamy! Scumbagism of the highest sort!

Someone ... I can hardly bring myself to say it. Someone attacked one of Santa's Party Associates!

Yes! It's true. The dishonourable Bessho dogs sent a metsuke to waylay our harmless, innocent Missionary of Santa while he walked through their territory. Walked! Walked - not burned, not ravaged, not preached. The poor, sweet, gentle, innocent man was merely doing his best to bypass the mountain range problem which splits our lands. He was on his way to invite the Matsuda to ... well, more on that later. Fortunately he managed to escape from his prison cell, and returned to resume his mission. This is the only good news I can offer.

We shall not take this lying down. No, nor shall we take it sitting down, standing up, or whilst jumping up and down in rage! We shall not take it at all - except to take it straight back to the shop for a refund or exchange!

We will build a great bypass, a road which will allow easy travel in our lands and put an end to this difficulty in moving from north to south and vice versa. Yes, a grand road. Once completed it will be known as 'The Road' and our rivals shall tremble and weep at the very roadishness of it! It will have the best paving, the cleanest pavements, the widest girth, and the best roadside facilities in the history of mankind! Yea, and it shalt have a tea shop which serves tea that shall not taste like the stripper of paint, and verily shalt its meat based restaurant dishes contain cuts from the better parts of the animal and the vegetarian option shalt not be quorn but instead the tastiest of vegetables! So it is written, so let it be done.

What's that you say? What about the Bessho? Well isn't that obvious? Gah! No imagination, some people! Where else are we going to get the white paint required to do the road markings with, if not from their ground up bones?

A full report, including pictures, will follow.

The imposters on Kyushu must wait, as must the tragically grey blob seated to our west. The Road must be constructed; vengeance must be Santa's!

[frogbeastegg]

And so it was that Things Got Busy(TM).


"Come sit on my knee, small child, and tell me if you've been naughty or nice. And don't you dare wet yourself!"

So you're looking at that picture above and thinking, "My! What a handsome young samurai! What an inspiring figure Mr Mori cuts!" Well, you'd be half right. Ok, two thirds right. Yes, I do cut an inspiring figure. Yes, that is a handsome young samurai. The wrong comes in when you assume it's me. It ain't. Kid, how many times do I have to tell you I'm an old man before you sit up and pay attention? I reckon we had the right of it back when I was in my prime when we all said things like "People under the age of 21 don't listen to a thing unless you thump them upside the ear hole with a mailed fist now and then." That's all gone out the window now. Do-gooders and their namby-pamby ways and fussing about child abuse, brain damage, and respect and stuff. Well I say a bit of brain damage didn't do me any harm, now did it? Yeah, anyway, I'm getting side-tracked. What was I talking about again? Don't snigger at me, young fellow-me-lad! At my age it's perfectly normal to forget where I left my helmet. By the way, if you see my sword please let me know. Could have sworn I'd left it on the stand by my bed ...

Oh yes - how that picture isn't me! That's my eldest son. My heir, actually. If he's going to assume leadership when I shuffle on up to heaven or wherever old men like me go, well then he's got to get some damned practice in at ruling and what-not. Else he won't know his arse from his elbow and it will all go pear-shaped, the wheels will come off the cart, and all those other clichés about failure. So I sent him out to be the Santa in our travelling grottos. Chance for him to get in touch with the common peasant, be seen by his future subjects, learn a thing or two about interacting with the plebs, that sort of thing. It's got nothing to do with me being reluctant to have a bunch of brats sitting on my knee and weeing their pants with excitment and/or terror, or listening to the endless excited screaming as they queue up, or hearing the parents bang on about "We paid 1 koku to get in and we expected a proper present. Something worth a koku, not this cheap tat. And anyway our little Yoshi is a boy, not a girl, so what's with this pink tutu?" No, nothing to do with any of that. Nothing to do with hearing the same thirty minutes of music on endless loop for nine hours a day neither. Or the itchy fake beard! None of that. It's about leadership building. That's final. Still don't believe me? Then I'll send you to see the original Santa in his North Pole hell and you can ask him yourself. Right. Glad that's sorted.

Speaking of Santa having a grotto in the North Pole, that's all a load of baloney! Sent one of my ships out to find a passage, see? Didn't find a thing, not so much as a turkey chipolata. The sailors claimed there was some kind of invisible wall all along the north-west part of Japan. Gah!

Now I had all these plans about how to Santa Japan up. I thought I'd head west, cleaning up that nasty coal-grey clan whose name I can't be bothered to remember. Huh, actually that might be why they never returned my Christmas card. Might have sent it to the wrong people. I'll have to get the daughter-in-law to check. Might be why they broke our alliance too, come to think of it. Darn! Now who are they again? They're right on the border too. How embarrassing. Name's on the tip of my tongue ... Ah, forget it! Why go to all this fuss when I can drop by and wish them a Mori Christmas? Far easier. Yeah, so, original plan stays. Except it doesn't! The path of Santa is far from easy and someone hijacked my dude's sleigh to nick all the presents I was sending to the Matsuda.

Now let's talk about the Matsuda for a moment. Keep things in order. It'll stop you kids from getting confused, what with your short attention spans and flashing light addictions and sugar. Look at them, just look at them:

The Matsuda empire in its entirety.

Aren't they the cutest thing you've ever seen!? So small, so neat, so tidy in how they deploy their army. Aahhhh, adorable! And alone, so very alone. No allies, no friends except for my own Majestic Mori. No presents under their tree, no dinner to go to, not even a song and dance number to perform out in the snowy streets. They're like one of them starving shooting stars we're always being told to adopt at Christmas. Or is it orphan? Whatever. They're dinky, they're festively green, and I decided to invite them to my castle for Christmas lunch. I'm a generous soul like that, and it's not like I can eat all this rich food myself. No siree, plays havok with my bowels and tastes like sugar served with grease topped with sugar-grease syrup. I'll stick to my nice bowl of udon with vegetables and let the guests eat all the 'good stuff', heh heh heh ...

So the very first thing I did on undertaking my Santaness was send a missionary over with a bunch of presents to induce a bit of festive rioting - er, to woo the populace to the one true Christmas party. Now, some sick joker saw fit to slap this dirty great mountain range right in the middle of my lands. Can't just walk north or south, oh no. You have to take this massive detour. My missionary dude was currently in the north. The Matsuda are in the south. He took a detour through Bessho lands since it was quicker. You can see them on that old map; they're the rusty-red lot busy being a pale imitation of my scarlet Mori wonderfulness. As soon as he set foot in their lands they arrested him, stole the presents, tipped over his sled, and threw him into a dank prison cell! My reaction was measured, reasoned, and calm as befits a man of my age and social stature.

Mr Mori's reaction was captured by a nearby TV news crew filming a pre-school nativity play for the feel-good section of the day's program. Audience approval ratings likewise blew through the roof.

This changed everything. Forget the coal-grey lot. Forget the Shoni with their imitation Christian nonsense. Forget the reindeer. Forget cooking that turkey! If people get the idea they can attack my missionaries and steal my presents we'll never see the end of it! The Bessho must be made an example of. And damn it, that mountain range needs sorting out too! Watch and learn, kid. Watch and learn. This next part shows why I'm Mr Mori and the rest of Japan are chumps.

First of all I refused to be deterred in my plan to invite the Matsuda over for dinner. Got to prioritise, and we'd already brought the food so it'd just go to waste if we rescheduled. It didn't take long. Once my missionary escaped from his prison cell (now there's a funny story involving using a candy cane to dig a tunnel 500 metres long) and returned home, I loaded him up and sent him back to the Matsuda. I personally drew a line on his travel map so he knew which road to follow - and by that I mean the one inside my lands. At the same time I send my pyjama party associate to introduce their nosy policeman to a little thing called "murderous death". That's how I roll, see? Problem was this pyjama party associate had watched one festive movie too many, and got all uppity with his ideas. Instead of murderising his wretched target he threw a pyjama party, and got the fellow so drunk on eggnog he had to spend the next 6 months in bed recovering from his hangover. Well, I guess it's some sort of result, although if I'd ordered it I'd have come up with something better, like tying tinsel around the guy's 'ahem' and taking a photo of it, then creating 1,000 posters of that photo and using it to paper his home town. Yeah, so, we'll call that half a win. The pyjama associate is now in re-education, and daily kisses my feet in gratitude for my not transferring him to the 'happy elf' division.

In any case, between my presents, my carol singers, and a little bit of envy over how snazzy my castle looked with the tinsel, fairylights, decorated trees, and all that bling, the Matsuda soon signed over their lands and officially said "Mori Christmas!" Not bad going, if I do say so myself. 'Course my wife says it was all down to her special secret recipe stuffing, and my second daughter-in-law says it was her special secret recipe mulled wine, and my fifth daughter says it was her special secret recipe roasted parnsips, and - oh, basically every last female member of the family claims it was down top her cooking! I say it's impossible to tell, so to stop the fighting I'll take the credit. Generous of me, I know, and an onerous burden, but one does what one can for family peace and all that.

Speaking of carol singers, I sent a party over to serenade the Bessho.

A group of enthusiastic carol singers visiting the Bessho capital, yesterday.

It's fair to say my forces blew through the opposition like a bad mince pie in an upset stomach, heh heh heh. Province after province threw off its shackles and demanded to join the tree decorating! See, I'd got this plan for a road. A great big road with the very best in road surfacing, roadside support, and general roadishness. Since we can't knock the mountains down (have you see how big they are, kid?!) we'll have to keep going around them. Stinks I know but what's an old man to do, that's what I'd like to know? Going around them the current way was a pain in the behind. Going around them the other way, that'd be handy. Then my little helpers could always take the fastest route. Combined with that fancy roadishness and a bunch of reindeer to carry the heavy stuff, I figured people would be able to scurry around double-quick. Now that I owned the Bessho lands I'd got the space to make this road. Problem was, none of us were sure what was necessary to make this road the ultimate is roadishness. I gave the elder grandkids the job of working that one out. What? I can't be expected to do everything myself! Gosh darn it, I have trouble enough preventing my spine from crumbling under the weight of my armour these days. Anyway, consider it one of them tests of character designed to see if any of them are likely to be useful when they grow up. If they don't come up with something good I'm not paying for them to go to university, let me tell you! I know what that's all about - gadding about drinking and chasing women! We had none of that in my day! In my day it was all work, work, work, study, study, study. I never even saw a woman until I was thirty! And don't you "But Mr Mori! The clan records clearly show you had five illegitimate children, two wives, and one son and heir by the time you were 23!" me, kiddo. Why, in my day we had to walk 15 miles in the snow just to wash our faces in the morning! Uphill! And 15 miles back! So we'll soon see if these grandchildren have any of my spirit or not.

In a short time I had the Bessho down to a single province and one fingerfood-sized army. Wiping their clan from the face of the Earth seemed too merciful, so I sent them a proposition:

I see you are appropriately attired. Good. Now about your abject grovelling surrender ...

That year every child wanted a 'My Little Bessho' doll under their tree, heh heh heh ...

It was at this point the true spirit of Christmas began to take hold in Japan. Remember those grey folks whose name I forgot? Yeah, them. They felt left out and asked if they could come to my next party. Yes, I know the letter actually said, "We kill you until you dead and then kill you more!" but we all know that was a face-saving measure. Poor sausages didn't want to look too eager in case I said no and made them look all unwanted like some red-headed stepchild in a musical. Needless to say, after giving the request a bit of consideration I decided to let them tag along. Generosity and all that. Why keep on carrying the baggage about the Christmas cards when we could both forgive and forget over a nice dinner of their roasted goose? Can you tell me what the bonus to this was? No? Sigh, you people today, no brains nor nothing! It meant that they would be part of the Majestic Mori and I wouldn't have to keep trying to remember their name, d'uh!

I am proud to say that the grey people were welcomed into the fold on the very season they sent their application. Old what's-his-name came for tea, and his wife -what's-her-thingy, and their sons who's-he-me-bob and what's-it. Delightful, simply delightful. Charming people. I wore my favourite red kimono, and had some toasted crumpets with a smidgeon of butter and a hint of jam. Gooseberry jam, all smoothly seedless and without those nasty bits of skin you sometimes get. Ah, bliss! Reminds me, I really should invite old who-the-heck-is-he over again some time. It'll be a real laugh, we can talk about the old days, like that time when he ... did that ... thing?

That's it for now. I'm getting tired. Throat's dry. Things to do, places to go, people to kill, all of that. I'm a busy man ... busy ...

(The sound of gentle snoring fills the room)

Huh?! Waszat? Sleep? Me? Never!

Those ships. My beautiful, beautiful ships. All of this present delivery gave me chance to put them into action. The result was everything an old man could have hoped for. I can die happily - and I don't plan on doing that for a long time to come, sonny, so don't get any big ideas! - after seeing that.

Ba-doom! Bosh! Kablam! And other words indicative of tremendous cannon fire and the effortless sinking of entire fleets.

(more snoring)








In addition to all of that:

I've been giving out gifts of 5,000 koku to 3 random clans each winter. Everyone loves me now. I've still got over 250,000 koku in the bank! Clans with an approved seasonal colour get an extra 5,000 koku every fourth winter. I've dropped taxes to the lowest level in order to encourage my peasants to go out and buy festive merchandise, and I'm getting a little over 5,500 koku per turn. I have no idea what to do with all this money!

My armies have now been reorganised along Santa approved lines. 6 egg noginata, 6 wacky-wako goblins, 5 fairy-light bow samurai, 2 units of reindeer (yari) cavalry, and a general. I have three of them, two in the eastern end of my empire and one to the west.

All research will now be focused on getting the highest level road tech so that Mr Mori can realise his dream of 'The Road'. Yes, this means important areas are going to be neglected for a long time to come and we may all die in a fireball as the sun crashes into a pagoda. Oh well, we'll muddle along. Or not.

Bingo! Also Bizen and Bitchu - I own the mainland triad of funny 'B' named provinces. I should nab Buzen and Bungo at some point to complete the set; it'll look nice on my mantelpiece.

The screenshot I took with the updated minimap has vanished. Oh well, the situation is easy to describe. I own everything on the mainland west of Harima and Tajima, including those two provinces. Kyushu is still owned by the Shoni. Eastern Japan is being torn apart by the Uesugi, Ikko-Ikki, Hojo, and Hatakeyama. Each clan rises, swallows up huge chunks of land, then implodes with rebels and shrinks back to obscurity as another clan steps in to become big.



What next?



EDIT: I made a new mini map screenshot:

[Xehh II]

What on earth is that pink clan? But for suggestions, I have to agree about fighting those christian guy guys

[feelotraveller]

Nobody seems up for any weirdness. So how about this? Santa has gone tree mad and demands a monopoly on wood. Xmas trees don't grow on.. oh, heck you know what I mean. And from what are we to make the paper to wrap our presents, rice? Not likely in the land of the frequent rainfall. So He asks his Mori men to, by hook or by crook, obtain every province containing the wood resource.

[frogbeastegg]

What on earth is that pink clan?

That's the Murakami. They re-emerged in North Shinano after one of the many big clan implosions around central Japan. IIRC it was Uesugi's most recent collapse and they managed to snag two nearby rebel-controlled provinces. I'm keen to see if they become the next big power in central Japan; Uesugi, Hojo, Takeda and Ikko-Ikki have been growing up and falling down hard in that region for as long as I've had a line of sight there. The Uesugi alone have imploded three or four times! The rest aren't far behind, excepting the Takeda. They were wiped out completely during their first collapse and have not yet re-emerged.

Nobody seems up for any weirdness. So how about this? Santa has gone tree mad and demands a monopoly on wood. Xmas trees don't grow on.. oh, heck you know what I mean. And from what are we to make the paper to wrap our presents, rice? Not likely in the land of the frequent rainfall. So He asks his Mori men to, by hook or by crook, obtain every province containing the wood resource.

I approve of this madness. The trees are on Chosokabe-land Tosa, in central Japan Hida province, and Northern Japan Fukushima province. That spread should make keeping them all a bit of a job unless I cheap out and do it the easy way, conquering my way straight east to keep my borders pretty. Nope, that won't do! Let's go for the surgical strike approach. I'll aim to take both mainland provinces with the minimum of expansion in those areas. Garrisoning two isolated provinces will give me something to spend my crazy-koku on.

Chosokabe-land I'll tidy up in one go because their antics are in danger of getting item exchanges banned at shops throughout Japan! Chosokabe conquer one new province, leave their old province undefended, it gets captured by another clan. Chosokabe then go on and conquer a new province and the cycle repeats. It's a never-ending run-around of province-exchange and frankly it needs to stop - the company's terms and conditions state one refund or exchange per item within 24 days of purchase. The Chosokabe are treating it like a rental shop!

[Ozball]

This is an awesome idea! Haven't had this much fun reading forums in a very long time (though maybe I've just been on the wrong forums). As much as I'd like to suggest something as well, I can't think of anything not already suggested so I shall sit back and enjoy for now :D


Though I must say, I'm in AWE of your economy O.o I'm usually lucky if I'm in the 10,000s in the bank at this point in the game, let alone over 200,000. And lucky if I'm over 5,000 income per turn. Just shows how much more I have to learn about this game I guess.

Keep up the awesome work! ^^

[frogbeastegg]

Sorry for the delay everybody, I've been trying to cause mass rebellions with my missionaries and the game will not cooperate. Stupid useless 'cause rebellion' mission rarely works for me no matter what I do. :sulk: Looks like I will have to give up on that idea. I'll do it the old fashioned way. "Deck the halls in severed heads, falalalalalala."

This is an awesome idea! Haven't had this much fun reading forums in a very long time (though maybe I've just been on the wrong forums). As much as I'd like to suggest something as well, I can't think of anything not already suggested so I shall sit back and enjoy for now :D


Though I must say, I'm in AWE of your economy O.o I'm usually lucky if I'm in the 10,000s in the bank at this point in the game, let alone over 200,000. And lucky if I'm over 5,000 income per turn. Just shows how much more I have to learn about this game I guess.

Keep up the awesome work! ^^

Thanks

The economy is built on a series of stepping stones. From turn 1 I built cheap bow kaboyas and sent them to park on every unoccupied node I could find. This acts like a placeholder, blocking other clans from taking the node whilst I build my way to trade ships. Iwami was my first, quick conquest. I upgraded the gold mine to level 2 very early on. After that I added a market and metsuke to that province. That resulted in a very rich province! It pretty much funded my entire army on its own. Around this time I took my third province and placed a sake den to get ninjas and some money. By province 4 my first trade ships were built and sent to the two nearest nodes. Once I had them hooked up my income rocketed, and only kept on increasing as I hooked up the other nodes I'd reserved and then sent more trade ships to each node. The money from trade funded farm upgrades in every province, and lots of markets and sake dens. Those provided metsuke to oversee my richest provinces, and lots of rice to stockpile in a surplus thus encouraging town growth for higher taxes later in the game.

Trade nodes are very powerful. Almost too powerful sometimes. Markets, farms and rice are the reliable core of any economy though, as you can't lose your entire income in a single blockade. I always pay plenty of attention to my farms, and build level 1 markets wherever feasible.

There's one thing which makes this a little less impressive: I'm a slower player. Some people could have done the same in half the time and thus had half the treasury stockpiled.

[frogbeastegg]

You know what hurts? Losing an important siege battle because your outnumbered and outclassed army is wiped out when the enemy is down to his last 23 samurai. 23! If my archers had only been a bit more accurate in their shooting throughout that battle I'd have made it through. Or if I'd had one more unit. 23 men!

Full story later, once I've managed to fix the mess. :mutters about the Chosokabe and their incessant province exchange obsession: I've sent in 2 entire armies now; Santa will not be denied!

On the plus side it's nice to see a bit of challenge. I was getting bored.

[frogbeastegg]

Yaaaaaarrrrrr! :pause: Arghhhhhh!

Kid, in warfare nothing's certain. Don't take anything for granted. Don't make any bets. No, really, don't make any bets. It's a nightmare when you bet your favourite set of armour on a battle and the general you assigned to lead the army sleeps on a rock, wakes up grouchy, and orders a do-or-die charge - and picks the second of those options instead of the first. Took me years to win that armour back. Shame; it had nice red lacing and this embossed ship on the breastplate ...

Let me tell you about those Chosokabe. See, they started out as a minor clan on the smallest of Japan's islands. Good with bows - and not the kind you tie on presents, as my festive committee soon found out. Bows as in the things you use to launch arrows. I didn't think it made much sense for a clan to boast about its ability to tie ribbons but ah well, live and learn.

See, now, the thing about the Chosokabe, apart from this whole bow thing, is that they were given a province for Japan's first Christmas. Damned generous of the Kono clan if you ask me! And what did these Chosokabe do? They made a fuss. It wasn't the right province. It was to the north and they had their heart set on the east, and it didn't have war horses and blah blah. Bunch of ingrates! So they took the province back and asked for an exchange. They took Awa instead. Now maybe everyone can settle down and be happy? Kid, if you're thinking that then you're inline with what all the Daimyos of Japan thought. But no. Bratty little ingrates still weren't happy. They exchanged Awa for Sanuki, deciding that stone was better than horses. Then they swapped Sanuki for Iyo, which is the first blooming province they were given! And it still wasn't enough! They exchanged it again, and again, and again. Heck, they even conned the shop into taking Tosa back, and that was their starting province so you can be sure they didn't have a receipt and hadn't got it from that shop! I ask you, shop staff these days, what's the matter with them? Customer gets all shouty and threatening and they trip over themselves in the scramble to make them happy again. Why, in my day shop assistants would refuse once, firmly and politely, if you tried to abuse the refund policy, and then gut you with a katana if you pressed the issue. Those were the days!

I watched this clan go round and around like socks in a wash-bucket. Eventually enough was enough. See, I reckoned it was my duty to put a stop to their antics before shops across Japan changed their policies and started refusing to exchange goods. This bunch of fussy-britches were liable to ruin Christmas gift exchanges for me - er, everyone! I can't say how much I hate it when the eighth son buys me one of those calligraphy sets with the left-handed brush. I'm right-handed. I've been right-handed for over 50 years! I'm not about to change now, am I? And I'm sure there's a bunch of other folks in the same boat.

So I sent in an army of angry consumers to tell the Chosokabe precisely what they thought.

Mr Mori's face was a picture when he heard the Chosokabe wanted to exchange their province for the eleventy-billionth time. This picture.

At first it went smoothly. Iyo was settled, then Tosa. The puny Chosokabe armies were crushed. It's about this point the consumer focus group began to have problems. The Chosokabe got nervous about the gaggle of grannies headed their way and started to play hide and seek. If my Mori men went one way, the Chosokabe went the other. Before I knew it that province exchange malarkey was going on again! They'd got enough force to tip the tables up on any petitioning force my general left behind, and enough strength in their main mob to disperse anything less than a full stack. Would they stand and face the music? Hell no! Now, I suppose I should have ordered my general to hang around near one of the pacified provinces until a large group of locals had turned up to sign the petition. That would have made military sense. It wasn't a military operation though, was it? It was a bunch of peasants all het up about their refund rights! Consumers are dumb. It's a fact, kid. Don't try and dispute it. If you leave them alone for 10 minutes they forget what they were all angry about in the first place. If my general didn't keep directing them at the next Chosokabe stronghold they'd all drift away like so much sake in a river.

So round and around it went. Until one day we managed to get the main Chosokabe mob cornered. A smaller mob was coming to burn the petitions set up in a nearby province. The main consumer group could only go heckle one or the other. Wisely, my general pointed them at the large force. Heh heh heh, those Chosokabe didn't like what the people had to say, let me tell you! The whole damn lot of them drifted away into the countryside, and that was that, no main mob left.

Come on guys! Sign the petition. It protects your consumer rights! Plus you'll be entered into a prize draw with a chance to win a grand prize of 10 koku and a signed piece of calligraphy by Mr Mori himself!

But that province? The one with the small petitioning force? They stood their ground and bravely handed out pamphlets in the face of overwhelming numbers. They were wiped out to a man. When the last fell there remained only 23 Chosokabe samurai remaining. 23 men! When I heard I was so furious I nearly had one of those brain explosions my second daughter keeps warning me about. Gah! Brave though they undoubtedly were, if that little bunch of consumers had only petitioned a little harder right from the start they would have won over slightly more men and then there wouldn't have been 23 left! No - there would have been none! Total victory for the side of right! But no. The idle sons of laziness didn't try hard enough, and there were 23 left, and 23 was quite enough to cart that province back to the shop for yet another exchange.

Because of this pathetic failure (23 men!!) the Chosokabe were able to continue their antics for months, thanks to their ability to churn out large numbers of refund-seekers armed with bows.

In the end I sent in a second focus group to help pin the squirmy little beggars down. After that it didn't take long to secure all of the island, ensuring it could never be taken for an exchange again. Finally, all good consumers could breathe easily! But wait! There's more! One last force of Chosokabe whingers hung around near the farmlands of Awa.

The farm. They haven't bought it. Yet.

And done. Kid, that's why you don't mess with Mr Mori. I don't just make you sit down and shut up, I get the last word too.

That wasn't the worst of it, kid. That was the warm-up for my heart-rending story about uncertain warfare and noble old daimyos overcoming setbacks to pull through, winning the hearts and minds of the gift-giving populace.

Advice. It comes in two flavours: good and bad. Me, I don't get good advice. I am the good advice. I come up with it all myself. Every last little good idea this clan's had in the last 59 years has been my doing! And don't you pull that face at me, kiddo! Bad advice? I blame my third grandson for this debacle. See, he had this story book about some creature named Rudolf. A reindeer or something. Little tyke got obsessed with it. Every night before bedtime it was "Read Rudolf! Read Rudolf!" over and over until I want tempted to drop him out of the window - er, to close my window so the noise didn't drift in from his side of the castle. It all came to a head when he saw my yari cavalry doing a bit of formation practice. Little menace started screaming his head off with delight, calling them all Rudolfs and screaming, "More! More!"

More? That brat's my grandkid alright - he wasn't happy until I'd got 20 separate units of yari cavalry! 20 units! At 800 koku per unit that cost 16,000 koku to recruit. It costs a further 4,000 koku per season in upkeep. It has many weaknesses, it's useless in a siege, it's a nightmare to control on the battlefield, and it sure as heck couldn't sail like one of them Nanban ships. But hey, the grandkid liked it. It was sorta cute the way he clapped his pudgy little hands and blew spit bubbles.

Then my advisors started in on me. Blah blah, cost. Blah blah, need to be more family friendly as a regime. Blah blah blah. So I asked what they suggested. They said, "Oh great and wise Mr Mori, why not send your reindeer cavalry on a tour of Japan? It will get some use out of them, and make small children giggle." Problem with being my age is that you're not inclined to argue against idiotic ideas for long. Why, you ask? Because you don't want to croak in the middle of such a wretched argument, that's why!

The first stop on the tour went well enough. A few monks turned up and the reindeer cavalry put on a show. My representative took this picture of the event and had copies distributed throughout Japan. "Spot the hidden warrior monk and win a prize! Open to all children under the age of 12, terms and conditions apply, all completed entries must have the warrior monk circled in black ink, and must be returned to Aki castle no later than 31/12/1560."

The All-Japan National Pony Trials were fiercely competitive this year. Several injuries were reported, and animal rights activists have called for the event to be banned.

Must have been some show - the province upped and declared they wanted to join the Merry Mori. Heh, I thought. Maybe this reindeer cavalry nonsense wasn't so bad after all.

Then came the yari. Lots of yari. Also the horse kebabs.

We don't talk about reindeer any more.

And this, this is where my advisors prove why I'm Mr Mori and they're sepuku-fodder. See, that thing-we-don't-talk-about cost a lot of money and a lot of men. When it we-don't-mention-it other clans laughed. They thought we'd been weakened severely. Course, nothing could be further from the truth since it was all just a sideshow to make the grandkid happy, buy hey, sense and Sengoku don't always go together. I received a Christmas card from the Shoni. At last, I thought. These other clans were learning. If they'd only done this in the first place I wouldn't have needed to go out and crack heads but oh well, you take what joy you can in the life that's given. I didn't like their choice of picture - some cutesy fluffy penguin with some twee tree covered in sweets. I ain't now nor ever have been a little girl! The glittery stuff flaked off and by gum it was murder to get rid of! It got on my kimono, on the floor, in my hair - everywhere. In the end I had to order a peasant to crawl around on his hands and knees eating every last spec of the stuff. It was the only way to get it under control. What? You're giving me that look again. Why not sweep it up? We'd tried that. It didn't work. What do you think I am, an idiot? No? Good. Because then I'd have to have you stapled to a tree like a fairy.

This meant war.

Dear Mr Mori, best wishes to you and your kin for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. PS: Please all die. Hugs, the Shoni family.

Hostilities opened with a special Christmas pantomime show. 'Super Ninja Versus Massive Missionary!' I don't want to spoil the show for those of you who haven't seen it, but my ninja totally won. The audience gave the death scene a standing ovation, demanded an encore, and threw popcorn at the missionary's body as it was dragged away. Ah, now that's what I call quality family entertainment.

Clash of the titans! 100 foot giants battle to the death across the seas! This is how you can tell it's Japan!

The Shoni didn't take it very well. Actually, they sent two entire armies to gatecrash my next Christmas party. I sure as hell didn't invite them, put it that way. I bet they planned to eat all the mince pies, drink all the mulled wine, and make loud comments about the choice of decorations. Not to mention the very real danger of socially awkward comments about how our Mitsuharu said this about their Shintaro, and how their Buntaro was now a second grade samurai whilst my Takezo was only a first grade. I sent the only army I had nearby over to sit in their way and peacefully deny entry.

My forces were outnumbered 2-1. Worse, the enemy had brought large numbers of highly experienced bowmen, and by that I still don't mean the type which ties ribbons. For a brief, brief moment I thought I'd made a mistake - my first ever mistake. I hadn't. That's why I'm Mr Mori.

What do you mean close!? It's a heroic victory to out-hero all heroics! It's so heroic that it rescues cats from trees whilst on fire!

Fuelled up on mulled wine, eggnog, and brandy-rich Christmas pudding, my army hurled itself at the foe with cheerful abandon. The booze fumes caused the invaders to stumble back, and the raucous singing of Christmas carols shattered enemy morale. Kid, nobody can celebrate Christmas like we Mori. Nobody. It's a sight to behold, a sight to make the knees weak and the heart tremble. The pitiful survivors fled back across the sea to their homes, telling all they met about Mori Christmas. How's that for a come-back, kid?

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Our current status, previously. Currently in the present it's got more red on Kyushu.

At this point I'm tired and have had enough of trying to be funny. Time for some sleep. Some notes:

I've played a bit further and have taken a foothold on Kyushu. Realm divide is getting close.

Sorry the reindeer cavalry suggestion didn't get much space. I sent it out to take one of the two mainland timber provinces for the Christmas tree plan. It ran into a massive army filled with yari samurai and yari ashigaru. Since the cavalry were wiped out I lost the province I'd taken. Because of this Operation Christmas Tree has suffered a setback. I do have the tree province in Chosokabe-land though, so that counts for something. Right? I'd also tried sending missionaries to those provinces to make them rebel; they failed abjectly.

As you can see I now have yet another trade node. It fell into my lap when two AI clans declared war on each other and one chased the existing fleet off. I didn't really want it but I'd have felt stupid if I didn't send in the Nanban parked nearby to claim it. I've got a treasury of nearly 300,000 and am bringing in nearly 10,000 koku per turn with taxes to minimal. I hate to think how much I'd be making with normal taxes! I keep throwing 5,000 koku to every clan on the map every winter and it's still not enough to clear the gold away.

Trying to conquer Shikoku without adequate garrison forces is A Bad Idea. I knew that and did it anyway. Angry mobs don't stop to do things sensibly.

I'm amazed I won that last battle. I was facing off against two full stack armies, each with large numbers of high XP samurai archers. You can see my army in the screenshot of the battle results; most units gained 2 XP in that battle so it was weaker during the fight. They do have various upgrades which don't show on there. My naginata have silver armour and weapons, my bows silver accuracy, my yari bronze weapons and charge, and my Wako bronze morale and weapons. I need better tech in order to unlock the gold upgrades, but everything's focused on The Road so I won't be able to do that for ages. Believing I was dead I decided to do as much damage as possible in the hopes of weakening the Shoni sufficiently that my two garrisoned castles could withstand them until one of my other armies could make it back from Chosokabe-land. Thus I enacted my preferred anti-archer tactic: all out screaming charge. Some of you may remember me detailing tactics for taking down archery-heavy armies using archers. That works but it's far from my favourite method, and I don't think it is the most efficient. That's what that thread asked for however, so I'd have been a bit useless if I'd given my preferred tactics. Now is a good opportunity.

I formed the naginata up into a single line, 4 ranks deep. I split the raiders into 2 groups of 3, one for each flank. I had them set back a bit so that they would lag behind the naginata as the army advanced. I formed my archers up into a single line, set them to loose, and threw them out in front. My cavalry goes right at the back, central. The general is between the cavalry and the naginata.

I advance in this formation until I am getting close to bow-range on the enemy. Then I either continue forwards with my bows in order to draw most of the enemy fire, or I throw them to one side out of the way to one flank of the enemy in the hopes they can take opportunistic pot-shots at the enemy's back. I proceed to ignore them unless I see they are in danger. I now order my naginata to run straight at the centre of the enemy line. I order the two groups of wako to run forward. The naginata attract most of the incoming arrows and shrug them off thanks to their heavy armour. Because they are running the enemy only has time for one or two volleys; even high level bows do little damage under such circumstances. I direct my individual naginata units to charge at enemy units as they run forwards. That is to say, I give a group move order and then fine-tune once everything is in motion. I then direct the Wako to pick up some flanking units, and order others to run around so that they can charge into the enemy's back. Because the enemy has bows their frontage is quite short and so this allows me to catch nearly all of their army in a line. The AI is trying to pull its bows back so the line becomes a confused tangle of clumped together men. My dudes hack away. As enemy units rout I re-direct my units to gang up on those which are still fighting. I bring my 2 units of cavalry in and start charging at the rear of the enemy line as soon as it becomes safe to do so. Naginata have a second advantage for this kind of combat, after the heavy armour gets them to the battle mostly in one piece. They have small advantages against spears and cavalry, and are not horrifically weak against swords. This means they can be thrown at anything in this confused melee, and I don't need to worry about keeping them away from anything. Trying to do this with more touchy troops is risky.

The sheer shock and mess factor allows me to overwhelm the AI. Its bowmen are poor in melee, and, if I'm doing this correctly, can't escape. Slice, dice, rout, and done.

I lost around 1/3 of my total numbers killing that first army. My men were utterly exhausted from all the running and my poor naginata were down to 20-30 men per unit, excepting one unit of naginata which had somehow pulled through with over 60 men. Killing the second army killed around 1/4 of what I had left; the Wako raiders had to carry the brunt of that action. If the AI had taken the time to form the second army up before coming at me I'd have been slaughtered. Instead it came forward in a long line, allowing me to mob the units at the front and roll the whole army back again. All the same it was touch and go for a bit; if my naginata had routed I don't think I would have been able to recover.

It was a very close battle. My bowmen hardly killed anything, whereas my other units had 200+ kills each. If the game didn't revive wounded soldiers at the end of a battle that screenshot would have a lot less Mori in it.

I saved a replay. I suppose I could post it if people are curious. How to deal with archer-heavy armies is a common newbie question.




What next? I suppose you want me to finish the conquest of Kyushu? I've got a few provinces left to go before realm divide; I estimate I can take around half of the island before it triggers. Currently I only have Buzen. I'm letting the Shoni break their strength on its walls.

[Ozball]

First of all, yay for more Santa Mori! I'm loving reading these! ^^ Keep up the awesome work!

One possible idea: I'm guessing you're somewhere in the late 1560s or maybe even 1570s (I think an earlier screenshot had you at 1563). So it was about this time that the port of Nagasaki was established for forgien traders. Last thing we need is the Christians trying to spread Christmas on thier own. It should be backed wih Mori support to make sure they do it the RIGHT way! Which ofcourse is the Mori way! And so the port of Nagasaki should be captured and any spreaders of the fake Christmas stamped out. (Nagasaki is in Hizen btw)

Also I would love to see the replay of the battle! I'm learning from this, so dealing with archer-heavy armies would be good to learn too!

[frogbeastegg]

I uploaded the replay in a zip file. You can find it here along with instruction on how to view it. I hope it works correctly; I haven't done any other replays and I know some people had problems with the replay showing a different outcome when the file was viewed by a different computer.

Hizen ... it's nice and close. That should be manageable before realm divide.

[frogbeastegg]

I see the replay has had a few downloads. Is anyone able to confirm it works properly? I'm concerned that it won't; depending on how the game deals with replays it's possible the orders will be out of sync with troop positions. I use a simple battlefield speed tweak mod and I've had it for so long I forgot about it entirely until yesterday. It won't affect tactics since either faster reflexes or judicious use of pause will make the same possible, but if the game stores orders separately to unit position ...

[Ozball]

I see the replay has had a few downloads. Is anyone able to confirm it works properly? I'm concerned that it won't; depending on how the game deals with replays it's possible the orders will be out of sync with troop positions. I use a simple battlefield speed tweak mod and I've had it for so long I forgot about it entirely until yesterday. It won't affect tactics since either faster reflexes or judicious use of pause will make the same possible, but if the game stores orders separately to unit position ...

I've downloaded it and put it in the required location but as of yet haven't gotten around to testing it. Will do so now and update you on it.

EDIT: Hmm some issues it seems. The replay (only watched it twice so far, on 2x and 4x speed) ends with a full route for Mori after engaging the second army (I think one Wako Raiders group routed during the first army slaughter but that's about it). Including a magnificent suicidal charge into the bulk of the enamy army from the Mori general after he was the only one left. I run into a slight bug at the end of the battle, everything just pauses and I have to go to the Menu and hit end replay to get out. While with one of my own replays it automatically exited at the end. Also I can hear some sound affects at the end of the loading screens which sounds like the units being given orders (loose formation maybe? or maybe deployment?) but I can't see any of it cause the loading screen is there. You did kill the enemy general though.

The first army fight seemed to go pretty much as you described, though I'm not sure I saw the cavelry charging the enemies rear. Will have to check that again tomorrow morning. One thing that striked me as slightly odd, there was a point while the second army was advancing when one of the Mori cavalry units was just running in tight circles essentially on the spot, was that your doing? or a bug?

[frogbeastegg]

That's completely broken. I crushed the second army, didn't lose any of my wako, kept my general well behind my lines, and definitely didn't have my cavalry running in circles! Looks like the only way to share the battle with other people is to insist that they apply the speed mod I'm using, or to make a youtube video out of it. I lack both resources and skills necessary to make videos. I'll remove the file so no one else can download it.

Thanks for checking.

[Ozball]

Out of curiosity what is the speed mod you're using? I might try that to see if it does in fact fix the issue.

[frogbeastegg]

This one. It's very easy to apply and remove so if you are willing to test it you shouldn't be inconvenienced much. Drop the unzipped file into your Shogun II/data folder and job done. To remove it, take the file out of that folder.

[Ozball]

Yup that fixed it! Obvious win for the Mori, with only one unit routing (Unit of Naginata during the second army battle, but as they were already exhausted they didn't get very far anyways). Was awesome seeing the MMM ball stack of troops at the end :P (Mori Merry Murder Ball :P)

EDIT: Also an easy way to turn the mod off should be to just rename it with a different extension if people are wanting to have the mod avaliable to view replays but don't want to always have to redownload the mod (or copy it from elsewhere). eg. MovementReductionInf20Cav30.pack.modoff. Not 100% sure if this will work as I'm not sure how to check what mods are running other than looking in the folder, but it in theory should.

[frogbeastegg]

There's a snag. Well, aside from the fact it's early February because I was too busy to play for the last few weeks. I loaded my game up yesterday morning and - brace yourselves - Mr Mori died. It's unavoidable. I might manage to get him to last a few turns more if I reload; death from old age will keep on hounding him.

What's a frog to do?! Santa is dead!

[Sp4]

Do what everyone does... Appoint a new leader, king, CEO, Santa...

[Gregoshi]

What's a frog to do?! Santa is dead!

There is always the Santa Clause. Pass the (sled) reign to whomever pickup up the suit. Afterall, Santa is imMorital.

[Hamata]

There's a snag. Well, aside from the fact it's early February because I was too busy to play for the last few weeks. I loaded my game up yesterday morning and - brace yourselves - Mr Mori died. It's unavoidable. I might manage to get him to last a few turns more if I reload; death from old age will keep on hounding him.

What's a frog to do?! Santa is dead!

why not have his heir take over from where his father left off? and hey he could take the title of santa as well!

[quadalpha]

(Just came across this; showing appreciation. )

[frogbeastegg]

But but but but - a substitute substitute Santa! A man so young he hasn't got a single grey hair! That's taking the craziness a step too far. Plus no more Mr Mori to make the reports. I shall miss the crotchety old so-and-so.

I'll have to see what kind of voice Mori Junior has, assuming he will even 'talk' to me in the first place. I can't write characters who will not talk.