Santa Samurai: A Direct-It-Yourself Campaign of Festive Death

[frogbeastegg]

If Santa were a samurai what would he bring? DEATH! Lots and lots of death. Yep. Proper death, not some mass-market imitation like the Christmas music they play in shops or Rudolph the Raindeer socks. Death with a Capital 'D', delivered at the point of a yari festooned with mistletoe.

The mission: to spread the 'joys' of Christmas to all of Japan.

The rules:
1. I must convert to Christianity ASAP.
2. A proper festive clan colour is required. This means red or green. I've already won a game as Shimazu so it will have to be Mori.
3. It would be uncharitable to leave people out. Domination victory is required.
4. Readers decide where I should go next. You point, I punch. Good strategy is optional: fun and silliness reign supreme.
5. The theme song for this game is "troll-lol-le-lol-lol-lol!" The focus is firmly on fun, not good tactics or even survival. Thus, the difficulty will be set to medium so the AI doesn't cancel Christmas on turn 4 due to my focusing on building candy canes OF DEATH!
6. If the Empire of Santa implodes spectacularly at any point reloading a prior save is permitted. This is the magic of Christmas; you know, all that guff about wishing on an orphan and adopting a shooting star.

How it will work:
1. You decide what I should do.
2. I go and do it.
3. I report back complete with pictures. Return to stage 1 and repeat.

We'll slay them in the isles! (Yes, that is indicative of the lousy humour this mess will be filled with. Geddit? "Sleigh them in the aisles" :manic laughter:)

Or so it shall be if people are interested. Otherwise I'll go and play by myself, which means I get all of the mince pies and mulled wine so there!

Interested?

[Hamata]

YES! do it! looks like the best idea i've ever seen

[Vladimir]

First command: Make me a sandwich so I can eat it while reading your AAR.

Seriously, sounds cool. Just replace "ho ho ho" with "torra torra torra."

[Lemur]

Job 1 is to spread Christmas chaos with your priests. Please incite Christmas riots in all the provinces surrounding you. Then you can bring them the joy and love of a Mori conquest.

[Vladimir]

Maybe a Christmas Truce? Don't attack during winter.

[feelotraveller]

Invasions where possible should take place by sleigh. Err, no sleighs, well ships will have to do.

[predaturd]

Every winter you should give gift each ally one province each (and no getting out of it by not having any allies!, minimum of 1 ally)

[frogbeastegg]

You'd better not shout, you'd better not cry
'Cus Santa Claus is comin', to town ...

The question is, do I throw the game open to reader input from turn 1, or do I wait until I've converted? I can purposefully keep my empire small, around 4-5 provinces, before the conversion, so there will still be most of the game ahead. The opening turns will have to be similar to a regular game otherwise Santa will end up weak, poor and/or crushed under the straw sandal of some uppity daimyo.

[Gregoshi]

Too bad you can't be Santa Clausakawa of the Ho-Ho-Hojo (come see his Magic Castle).

Well, at least you can say "Mori Christmas to all, and to all a good fight!"

[Syl]

This sounds incredible.

I think you should be able to expand like normal a bit until you get hit with the Christmas spirit, then begin your all consuming sharing of the Season of Giving. It'd make a lot of story sense.

I really like Lemur's idea of going on a conversion rampage outside your borders. You can consider the rebels that spring up in revolt as your Christmas elves.

Also, Gregoshi, thank you for the laugh.

[Hamata]

why not only fight battles in the winter season. then convert others in summer?

[frogbeastegg]

Too bad you can't be Santa Clausakawa of the Ho-Ho-Hojo (come see his Magic Castle).

Well, at least you can say "Mori Christmas to all, and to all a good fight!"

The Pun-isher once again proves his fearsome skill! If I wore a hat I'd pull it down to cover my ears, sir!

I'm going to start my game tonight. Hopefully I shall be able to blaze through to a completed conversion in one sitting with the aid of auto-calc and some rapid turn cycling. Wish I'd thought of the Ho-Ho-Hojo before announcing the Mori ...

[Syl]

Are you listening to the appropriate holiday music while you play? If I were talented like Gregoshi and it was feudal Europe, I'd suggest starting with "Jingle Ballistas," but I think my pun skills are lacking. Sir Gregoshi, I defer the rest of my pun attempts back to you.

[edyzmedieval]

Too bad you can't be Santa Clausakawa of the Ho-Ho-Hojo (come see his Magic Castle).

Well, at least you can say "Mori Christmas to all, and to all a good fight!"

Please make him stop

[Hosakawa Tito]

Blood there will be, yes?

[Vladimir]

Please make him stop

Agreed. Gregoshi goes Gold long before the games do.

[frogbeastegg]

Right. I'm nearly at the point where I will convert. I just want to take care of a few bits which will make the conversion easier. I'm at 5 provinces and intend to hold there unless there's an expansion opportunity which I can't refuse. Got 4 trade nodes and the cash is rolling in. I'm allied to nobody, most people are starting to hate me, and overall I'm sitting in a nice position in terms of defence, power, wealth and province development.

I've been focusing most of my research on chi because I thought I'd throw the military question open and start researching there while I convert. What units should Santa Mori use? I have the Sengoku units DLC so I have access to the Mori raiders. Quite a nice sword unit. Or I could go after the spear tree instead and use lots of naginata. If I go spears I can pick up guns for castle defence quite easily. If I go swords then I can improve my bows nicely. I have already picked up strategy of attack and defence, and the one which gives a 10% movement bonus to ships.

[Vladimir]

Eight units of light cavalry (tiny reindeer) per army.

[Gregoshi]

What units should Santa Mori use?...If I go swords then I can improve my bows nicely.

Bows are so nice for packages. And use missile units from Tosa to kiss your enemies good bye. Egg Noginata would be great to support the bows.

[frogbeastegg]

Egg Noginata would be great to support the bows.

:stares in open-mouthed horror: That is so irredeemably dreadful I have to use it! Even by your (low) standards that one is awful, Greg!

Egg noginata for the main infantry line it is. I can focus research on that side and then pick up guns so that anyone visiting my castles gets a magical fairy-light show. Nabbing the early bow and sword techs should allow me to support the egg noginata with decent Christmas lights archers and Wacky-Waki 'friendly' sword goblins.

When I have a cavalry-producing province (I currently don't) and the money to safely fund it I can try the Reindeer's Army of Festive Doom. Cavalry is quite poor on a cost/performance basis so trying it now would probably cripple the game.

I should be able to put the first proper report up in a few hours. I'm currently converting my provinces at an average of +7.0 God per turn, and am between 40% and 50% God in each province. And then ... then someone's going to get candy-caned. It will be up to you to decide who.

[Gregoshi]

BTW froggy, the puns overcame me so strongly in the OP that I totally forgot to tell you what a brilliantly fun idea this is. Truly inspired. I am in awe. Thank you for the entertainment in which we are about to partake.

[frogbeastegg]

Diary of a Daimyo


A portrait of a genteel sengoku gentleman

So there I was, a typical sengoku daimyo doing typical sengoku things. I killed this neighbour, sold military access to that one - you know, the usual. I was good. So good you may call me Mr Mori. It's optional, your choice and all that. I don't like to bully my subordinates and social inferiors. I should mention that if you don't I'll have to introduce you to this fun concept called 'hideous and painful lingering death'. Yours, not mine. Obviously. But it's your choice. I'm open-minded and socially advanced like that.

Yeah, so, there I was, typical sengoku daimyo doing my sengoku thing with more than my share of success. Then these weird pointy-faced people showed up on one of my favourite beaches and started wittering away about some god or other. Did I want to convert? Did I want these sticks which went "Pthhhhpw!" and made smoke whilst launching a blob of lead a short distance to miss a target? Would I like to buy some of their frilly shirts?

Pssst! You wanna buy a religion, gov?

Not really. That was my answer. They asked again, getting all excited and waving their arms about whilst gibbering some nonsense about a hell and eternal damnation and superior weapons. Eternal damnation? Mate, I said. Mate, I'm 59. Eternal damnation is what I go through getting out of my futon every morning. Eternal damnation is my waterworks. Eternal damnation? My poor back knows more about eternal damnation than that entire flock of shaved priests hiding behind you! Hell fire? Know what's worse than your hell fire? A Japanese winter when you've got old, aching bones! I could use a little hell fire come winter, let me tell you!

That all made them rather upset. They imitated a bunch of fish, flapping their mouths open and closed without saying anything. Must be some obscure social custom back in the land of pointy-face. It was a welcome change from all the foreign gibber-jabber in any case. Look kid, when you reach my age all that truck about tolerance and welcoming other cultures and stuff, well it's more bother than it's worth. I've been using the same language for 58 years without any problems so why bother with another? And in any case I'll probably be dead before I get a half-decent accent and the grandkids stop laughing at me.

The situation went a bit pear-shaped, I'm sad to say. Back and forth, back and forth, all this jaw-jaw-jaw and no sign of war, profit, or even understanding. In the end I ordered my faithful retainers to show them the door. "Retainers!" I said, "Retainers, please show these excellent foreign visitors our wonderful, local-made sliding rice paper plus wood doors. That'll get them to understand we're not a bunch of savages in need of whatever bumf they're flogging." Only their translator fellow got the wrong idea and started screaming about how I intended to throw them all out. The whole darned bunch of them started wailing and protesting, and then I did have to have them thrown out. I mean, the noise made my third grandson cry. That baby has one heck of a pair of lungs - my entire castle was in danger of tumbling down if the brat wasn't shushed up right quick. Have you seen the price of castles these days? Thousands of koku! I can't afford to throw them away willy-nilly, not like that Hojo fellow, and oh doesn't he think he's so smart? Quite aside from the whole "being crushed to death along with the best and brightest members of my clan" part, of course.

As my loyal retainers began to bundle the pointy-faces out the door one of them dropped a picture. A ship. Seeing my interest one of my fellows picked it up and laid it at my feet. A ship! What a ship! Lots of sails, nice clean lines, an attractive choice of hull paintwork, a full set of those big cannon things which are like the gun-things except they go "Boom!" instead of "Pthhhhpw!" and pop out great chunks of stone which not only hit targets but totally level them. Wow, those ships! It still makes me go all trembly when I think about it now. "How much for the ships," I asked. My soul and the souls of my entire clan, they replied. What do you think I did, eh kid? I'm not a senile old man whose wits are so dithery I can't spot the obvious when it's right before me!

I mean, I am Mr Mori. Ships. It's what we Mori do. And those ships? Swee-et! I signed so quickly I smudged my calligraphy.

It was only later, in winter, that the downside showed its face.

Oh - yeah. There was another downside. It made me ever so slightly unpopular. Just a bit. A mere hair. All these misconceptions about me signing up for a religion of love, peace, forgiveness and stuff when I did nothing of the sort. Ships, man. It was a religion all about sweet, sweet ships with the cannons and the sails and those gorgeous sweeping lines ...

You pansy-man who join religion of pansy-girls! You no get invite my birthday party, sissy! Ner-ner!

So, that downside. See, it was winter and there I was, wishing for a bit of that hell fire to ease my joints, and I heard some singing outside my window. Terrible singing, and a terrible song. Some western import nonsense about being away in a manger, whatever one of those is. Gah! I ordered the entire troop of children boiled alive, and fed the resulting soup to the poor outside my castle. It's kind of embarrassing, looking back. They caught me on a bad day. I was irritable. You'd be irritable if you'd taken a yari through the shoulder and then had to put up with it aching, aching, aching the entire time through the cold season. And why can't the servants put more fuel on the fire? I keep telling them to, and it's not like we can't afford it. The Mori are the richest clan in all Japan thanks to me! Me! My efforts, my leadership, and my fire isn't warm enough! Ah, but I digress. I'm old, I'm allowed to do that and if you snigger I'll have you chopped up and fed to my pet rabbits!

Yeah, so, anyway, boiled children. I was later told it was a Christian Christmas tradition. Carol singing. Traditional songs. The right response was to feed them and give them money. Seems a bit off to me but there you go, you young things and your new-fangled ideas. What will you think of next? No, don't tell me. I'm not sure my old heart could take it. To show I was - what's the phrase my ninth son used? Oh yes, "Hip in with the youngsters" I let another batch of whippersnappers come to my castle to sing their pop songs. I smiled at them and everything. Yes - smiled! Don't listen to those people who say it looked more like rigour mortis, constipation, or a rictus of agony. Yeah, it could in all honesty have been any of those things but I say it was a smile. Certainly cost me enough effort to qualify as one.

My second son's third wife tentatively approached me about what I might like to buy for my various children and grandkids. It was expected, she said. Christmas presents. Yeah lady? You know how many presents I'd have to buy if I got one for everyone including the ones I don't like and him that I forbade everyone to mention? So many I'd bankrupt the entire clan, that's how many! There are times when I wish I'd taken some holy vows against having children or something. Pah! She moped and wrung her hands and kept on looking wretched until I agreed to put together a list. I did it on the strict proviso that someone else did the shopping and wrapping up, mind! I'm not whipped. I'm still in control. It was my own choice. Weepy eyes cut no ice with me, and so what if I want to spoil my grandkids? Maybe then I'll get some great-grandkids.

A few days later I went down the market to buy a new katana. The shock nearly stopped me old ticker! That same horrible music, everywhere! And great crowds of people - I could hardly move! Queues everywhere. Do I look like I'm going to live long enough to stand in a queue for 30 minutes in order to buy a pint of milk? No, I don't. I'm probably not. I'm on borrowed time, me. Don't get me started on the hats. Silly red floppy hats with tacky white fake fur trim. Gah! Grandson number 1 says it's the festive spirit manifesting in the retail sector. I say it's a load of mouldy old rice, that's what.

The final straw came when I returned home. My wife started nagging me about something called "Christmas cards" again. Apparently I'm supposed to send these bits of card with a snowy picture on the front to everyone I know. Then they'll send one back. "What's the point?" I ask. "To keep in touch and show you remember people," she replied. "But," I countered with my no dachi wit, "I see all of these people every day. Why do I need to send my bodyguards a card when they follow me everywhere, [privy included?" The sheer incontestable logic of that blew her female mind and she stormed off in one of those sulks. "Great going oh wise and wonderful Mr Mori," I ruefully thought. There went any chance of a backrub for the next six weeks.

Matters came to a swift head. I send the flipping cards to the other daimyos. Thought I'd show willing, and I admit I did kind of like the idea of staying in touch with the old boys, remembering the days when we used to try and steal each other's lands and force people to commit painful suicide. Ah, those were the days! Yeah, I sent the cards in good faith. Put a personal little note inside each one, an anecdote here, a reference to an old event there. Took me days it did. Days!

I didn't get any back. Not one.

This ... this means war. Total war.

I recalled this book I'd read to my youngest grandson. Some Christmas tie-in nonsense. There was this red man in it called "Santa" and he went around giving people stuff. What you got depended on whether you'd been good or bad. The old mind started ticking away and there it was, the answer to all of my woes. I'd go out there and Santa Japan to death. Been nice? I'll give you the best possible reward and take you into the Mori fold. Been naughty? I'll shove a yari festooned with mistletoe where the sun don't shine, sonny-me-boy!

Not sending a Christmas card to a kindly old man who just wants to keep in touch? And who sent you one? That's rude, unconscionable, and downright five-star bells and whistles evil!

Bishamonten, the war god, has awoken, and he's found that he's past his sell-by date. There's a new god on the block. No, not this Christ fellow or that God with the capital 'G'. Santa, the Samurai God of Judgement.

Next year everyone will send me a Christmas card.

The best part? Everyone else will have to suffer through the music, the queues, the tacky hats, the expectation of presents, the overly rich food ...

[Hamata]

Subscribed and following

[frogbeastegg]

(If you want to check what provinces are called and see what special resources they have, check here)

Here's a map showing the current position:

Here's a geographic view:

As you can see I have 5 provinces. There's an inconvenient mountain range splitting my lands, requiring a large detour when moving units north or south. All of my provinces are 100% Santa. All provinces are upgraded as far as they can go without further research. They lave level 3 farms, my gold mine is maxed out, and I have a level 3 market in that province too. I have upgraded the castles in Aki and Hoki, and all others are left at basic level. Hoki is geared towards producing excellent archers; it has craftworks, a level 2 bow dojo, and I've recently added a hunting camp for the extra smidgeon of accuracy. We don't want to give a bad show my missing with our pretty Christmas light arrows! Aki is geared towards producing top quality Wacky-Wako swordsmen, so it's got an encampment upgraded to improve the attack rating. I'm in the process of building a level 2 dojo, which will give access to rank 3 swordsmen fresh out of school. We can't currently recruit noginata; I haven't got a province suitable for turning out quality infantry yet. We also lack the ability to recruit any cavalry.

I have 2 missionaries, both rank 2, and one rank 3 ninja.

I own 4 trade nodes, each with 5 trade ships and 1 Nanban trade ship guarding it. I have a single Nanban ship to cover my northern coastline, and 2 more to cover the south. That's plenty; Nanbans can kill entire fleets on their own.

I have 1 full stack on my western border and 1 full stack in Hoki on the eastern border. Since that eastern army can't reach both provinces thanks to the thoughtless mountains, I have 4 imported matchlocks and 4 bow ashigaru plus a general in Bingo. My armies are not that great; both are made up of bow ashigaru, yari ashigaru, the odd katana samurai, and wacky-wako. Once I have better recruitment provinces I aim to reform them into proper Santa's Little Helpers.

We have tonnes of money, and more pouring in each turn. Amazing; using economy techniques designed for 'very hard' absolutely destroys on normal mode!

The Christian Shoni have taken over all of Kyushu. They are the only clan which does not hate us. We have no allies.

I have 1 Nanban ready to take a trip in search of the legendary North Pole. There's supposed to be a grotto there filled with wako pirates penguins.

What next?

[feelotraveller]

There is a golden rule that there shall be only one Santa. I think we need to show the Shoni who that is. A sleigh visit to Bungo is in order! Besides everybody knows Santa visits the west first, and then sometimes in the east if he gets around to it. More sleigh visits to all of Kyushu will prove who is the real fat man in a red suit.

Our closer friends the Ouchi should be given the gift of children singing carols (mentored by our ever friendly priests). Perhaps they will decide that the precious little voices are worth trading their reindeer for?

Go west old man!

[Vladimir]

I agree. There should be no competitor to Christmas. Get rid of that unfestive grey smudge first then show the Shoni just who is the jollyist.

[Hamata]

yes they deserve 100 lumps of coal "yaris" in there stalking

[feelotraveller]

... and Grandpappy, please, in the spirit of Santa, make trade agreements with those, and only those, clans whose colour is red, white or green.

(Discretion may be used if they are sort of red, or sort of white...)

[Hosakawa Tito]

There is a golden rule that there shall be only one Santa. I think we need to show the Shoni who that is. A sleigh visit to Bungo is in order! Besides everybody knows Santa visits the west first, and then sometimes in the east if he gets around to it. More sleigh visits to all of Kyushu will prove who is the real fat man in a red suit.

Our closer friends the Ouchi should be given the gift of children singing carols (mentored by our ever friendly priests). Perhaps they will decide that the precious little voices are worth trading their reindeer for?

Go west old man!

Yep, a trip to Bungo to save those Santa believers from the Anti-Santa should be the first order of business. There's only enough room for one Heavy C in dis hood and we be da man. Meanwhile, get our agents rappin' the virtues of "Heavy C" to our repressed homeys' in Bitchu & Bizen to pave the way for a future visit.

[frogbeastegg]

Alright, I shall do that. It will take a few days; that's a lot of conquering and there's this annoying thing called 'Christmas' which will get in the way. Feel free to add more ideas between now and the next report, if I catch them in time I'll use them.

I've got a few other plans too. Gift giving and ... surprises. Wait and see.