Re: Let's do some jokes.
You know my dog did eat my homework once. I completely freaked out because it was spread out all over the backyard and I figured my teacher wouldn't believe me. So I gathered as much of it as I could and did the problems that I could still read and brought it all in to school the next morning. My teacher was probably a bit suprised to see my paper all mangled and torn up on my desk, but she didn't punish me or anything.
"A man's dying is more his survivor's affair than his own."
C.S. Lewis
"So many people tiptoe through life, so carefully, to arrive, safely, at death."
Jermaine Evans
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
"Nietzsche is dead" - God
"I agree, although I support China I support anyone discovering things for Science and humanity." - lenin96
Re: Pursuit of happiness
Have you just been dumped?
I ask because it's usually something like that which causes outbursts like this, needless to say I dissagree completely.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
What do you call a chav in a suit
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Make BeerNot War
Re: Let's do some jokes.
How is a computer like an air conditioner?
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go back to bed
Re: Let's do some jokes.
(Complaints registered. Post removed - Beirut)
Last edited by Beirut; 01-22-2007 at 23:37.
The true test of a man is not at his great moment, but at his weakest point. -me
Re: Let's do some jokes.
The election of Venezuela's President.
Let that simmer.
"Nietzsche is dead" - God
"I agree, although I support China I support anyone discovering things for Science and humanity." - lenin96
Re: Pursuit of happiness
Have you just been dumped?
I ask because it's usually something like that which causes outbursts like this, needless to say I dissagree completely.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
What's Mom Do?The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did fora living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said hermother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood upand said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"Johnny said "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
TosaInu shall never be forgotten.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Now that one, Lord Motep, is funny!
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go back to bed
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Top ten reasons i procastinate:
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Self-proclaimed member who wishes more than anyone else that they looked like their avatar 2007.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Hey I found the meaning of life!!!Originally Posted by dacdac
Will update later...
Re: Let's do some jokes.
I'm sorry, but that is disgusting.
(Edited quote - Beirut)
Last edited by Beirut; 01-22-2007 at 23:37.
www.thechap.net
"We were not born into this world to be happy, but to do our duty." Bismarck
"You can't be a successful Dictator and design women's underclothing. One or the other. Not both." The Right Hon. Bertram Wilberforce Wooster
"Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication" - Lord Byron
"Where men are forbidden to honour a king they honour millionaires, athletes, or film-stars instead: even famous prostitutes or gangsters. For spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison." - C. S. Lewis
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Sorry, but these jokes are disgusting. I didn't get them at all.
(Edited quote - Beirut)
Last edited by Beirut; 01-22-2007 at 23:38.
Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.
Proud
Been to:
Swords Made of Letters - 1938. The war is looming in France - and Alexandre Reythier does not have much time left to protect his country. A novel set before the war.
A Painted Shield of Honour - 1313. Templar Knights in France are in grave danger. Can they be saved?
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Same.Sorry, but these jokes are disgusting. I didn't get them at all.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
(Post removed - Beirut)
Last edited by Beirut; 01-22-2007 at 23:38.
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Self-proclaimed member who wishes more than anyone else that they looked like their avatar 2007.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
I got it, DUUUUH!! They're just disgusting, that's all...
Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.
Proud
Been to:
Swords Made of Letters - 1938. The war is looming in France - and Alexandre Reythier does not have much time left to protect his country. A novel set before the war.
A Painted Shield of Honour - 1313. Templar Knights in France are in grave danger. Can they be saved?
Re: Let's do some jokes.
I agreeSorry, but these jokes are disgusting. I didn't get them at all.
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go back to bed
Re: Let's do some jokes.
As Beirut said,
The only part of the joke I got was the part that showed it shouldn't be here - Beirut
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Why are Pirates evil
Becasue they Arrrgh
They slew him with poison afaid to meet him with the steel
a gallant son of eireann was Owen Roe o'Neill.
Internet is a bad place for info Gaelic Cowboy
Re: Let's do some jokes.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
============================================
A teacher asks her class, " If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Dirty Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Dirty Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied " Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Dirty Johnny replied, " The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.
===========================================
This is a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Chinese authorities off the coast of Vietnam in South China Sea in October 1980.
CHINESE: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CHINESE: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CHINESE: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS MIDWAY, the second largest ship in the United States Pacific Fleet.
We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CHINESE: This is a lighthouse. You are on the course to collide with a Vietnamese fishing boat filled with hundreds refugees!
=================================================
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."
The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"
"Eleven cents," says the bartender.
The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"
"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.
"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly replies.
========================================================
A drunk guy who has no idea where he is going, stumbles inot a Catholic Church. He enters the confession room and takes a seat. A couple of minutes go by and the Father says to the man, "is there anything i can help you with sir?" The Drunk guy goes, "Yeah, you got any toilet paper on your side?"
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Self-proclaimed member who wishes more than anyone else that they looked like their avatar 2007.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
That of the vampire isn't THAT bad, that one of the dogs is.
THe later ones are better.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Discretion please.
Unto each good man a good dog
Re: Let's do some jokes.
What is red and in the corner?
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
There, but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford
My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning of wisdom.
I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
What do you get when you cross a creek and a stream?
Wet feet.
What do you get when you cross a seal and a polar bear?
A polar bear.
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." *Jim Elliot*
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Washing The DogJohnny was at the corner "Mom & Pop" store picking out a goodsized box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do."Oh, I have no laundry to do," Johnny said, "I'm going to wash my dog.""But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and ifyou wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even killhim."But Johnny was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counterand paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later Johnny was back in the store to buy some candy.The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing."Oh, he died," the boy said.he grocer, trying not to say I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dogdied but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.""Well," Johnny replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.""Oh? Then what was it?""I think it was the spin cycle!"
TosaInu shall never be forgotten.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Hints and Tips on How To Take a Dump at Work...
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
he full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the
cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at
work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendee
There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.
"The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Names, secret names
But never in my favour
But when all is said and done
It's you I love
Re: Let's do some jokes.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
the bathroom.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
TosaInu shall never be forgotten.
Re: Let's do some jokes.
These were real answers given by primary school children to questions in a Catholic Elementary School:
- In the first book of the bible, Guinesses. God got tired of making the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Noah built and the Ark and the animals came on in pears.
- Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire at night.
- The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had problems with unsympathetic genitals.
- Moses lead the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
- The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- Solomon, one of King David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- The Epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- Christians only have one spouse, this is called monotony.
Last edited by Omanes Alexandrapolites; 01-28-2007 at 09:12.
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go back to bed
Re: Let's do some jokes.
Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed
"I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked "I'm very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that's not that bad considering the number of years we've been married."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary was still curious "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
(not mine)
CR
Ja Mata, Tosa.
The poorest man may in his cottage bid defiance to all the forces of the Crown. It may be frail; its roof may shake; the wind may blow through it; the storm may enter; the rain may enter; but the King of England cannot enter – all his force dares not cross the threshold of the ruined tenement! - William Pitt the Elder
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