Diary of a diplomat

[master of the puppets]

lol very good rebelscum write more please

can't say i lied about being grounded havent been on for three freckin weeks

[rebelscum]

Akha will be back to honour his gracious readers as soon as he find out how much the patch has messed his life up.

[Dooz]

Y'know it's funny... when I had Akhaenniut Philopater and his tiny army trapped and facing death in my Macedonian campaign... almost felt kinda bad having to kill him... sadly, my companion cavalry didn't share my sentiments... Akha was no more... *sniff*

[rebelscum]

Most probably was a distant cousin on his mothers side. Akha is a diplomat and not a general.

[master of the puppets]

come ON

bring on the hilarity

my life sucks bad enough without ahka being dead...wonderland, if akha is dead cause of you i will have my people push you out a window...then we realize your on the first floor and unhurt, at which point i run away.

REBELSCUM POST MORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[master of the puppets]

...

[Dooz]

I'm sorry for this. Had I only realized it was THE Akha, I wouldn't have severed his head and presented it to the Gods on a stick. I feel just terrible about the whole thing.

[The Stranger]

Rebelscum let's chop of his head.

[Monk]

someone tell me i didn't let this go three pages without so much of a look! *checks rtw forum* oh... it was recently moved i thought i had overlooked something there for a while.

rebelscum: i could see rtw diplomats actually doing those things.

i'd like to remind everyone that now that this story is in the meadhall, you shouldn't post unless you have something to say about the actual story/diary thing. Please refrain from needless spamming and getting off topic; thank you

[Nowake]

Well, I wouldn't have anything specific to say about the multiple stories Monk, I would just like to compliment rebelscum on his writting skills and for mastering the art of placing humour in historical/game context. It is nice to see that from the recent throngs of teenage pharaohs, Silvius Servuses and armenian diplomats an Akha can still emerge.


And I'd just like to ask for an Akha a day

[rebelscum]

Apologies for the absence of Akha. However his scribe got a job in Londinium and is away from 06:00 to 19:45 each day :(.
He may pen something during his next break, whenever that will be, who knows.

[master of the puppets]

compliments on the story O' Scummy one, but for the sake of your readers you must know your priorities are, its not your job, its not your family, its not about you or anyone around you. your jobs is to entertain a bunch of drunken slobs in a dark mead hall with piss-your-pants funny stories. don't you see my point?

[rebelscum]

!New!
Somewhere in Egypt 257 BC, spartan diplomatic quarters (spartan the word, not the half naked gay boy warrior types).
Ankh: (another Egyptian diplomat): *envious* Akha, I must say you are the most finely dressed diplomat in all Egypt. I don't know how you do it on the paultry sum Pharaoh pays us.
Akha: *preens* My dear Ankh, do you really think I would scrape a living on 2 denarii a month! By Isis you truly are uninformed.
Ankh: *grumpily* Well it keeps the wolves from the door.
Akha: Does it now, *feeling slightly sorry for the down trodden man* I'll let you into a little secret.
Ankh: *sidles closer* please do.
Akha: Well, I'm telling you this in strictest confidence ..
Ankh: Yes yes.
Akha: You wont breathe a word of this ...
Ankh: I swear by Osiris I wont say a word to anyone.
Akha: Right ... *whispers* all you have to do is to impress the Romans so much on your diplomatic missions that they bribe you to join them. *lies back and eats a date*
Ankh: *aghast* but that is traitorous!
Akha: Well only if Pharaoh finds out.
Ankh: And how do you keep him from finding out?
Akha: Well, when I visit the Romans I go by a different name. I have changed my name every time I visit a different Roman governor and each of them have bribed me for my loyalty. Each of them thinks I am working for them. And I spend so much time away that they never notice that I'm not.
Ankh: What if the Romans enquire about the existence of an Egyptian diplomat with that name?
Akha: Well when I give a false name I always make sure it is one that belongs to an existing Egyptian diplomat.
Ankh: That is very clever.
Akha: *flicks a date stone into the corner and reaches for another* Well I think so ..
(Just then ..)
*two huge nubian sentries with huger axes enter the quarters, and they aren't joking*
Sentry one: We come for diplomat named Ankh ... on orders of Pharaoh.
Ankh: *in fright* Eek, What for?
Sentry two: *feels sharpness of axe* Well its a little matter of treason ... Pharaoh would like to know if you want it fast or slow?

Akha: *making a quick exit* Well I better be off now, *pats Ankh on shoulder* erm, I'd choose fast if I were you Ankh old pal, I've smelt a lions breath before and it isn't pleasant.

[master of the puppets]

lol witty as always...my compliments and welcome back

[rebelscum]

The month of flies 252 BC, Pharaohs palace, Memphis
Akha: *enters and bows low* Your glorious incarnate of Horus.
Teenage Pharaoh: *voice cracks* Wazzup Akhaennuit *makes stupid sign with fingers not quite getting it right*
Akha: I bring a message from our new allies the Numidians.
Teenage Pharaoh: *looks bored* Oh them, well allies they may be, but they aren't 'cool' are they.
Akha: *slightly confused* Indeed sire.
Teenage Pharaoh: *twiddles pony tail* Yeah, and they don't send me many presents. Mother says that as I am a living god, people should give me lots of presents.
Akha: May I remind your highness of the three score gold plated chariots they sent you last week.
Teenage Pharaoh: Well that was last week, what about this week!
Akha: I will make enquires sire.
Teenage Pharaoh: Well they better send me something nice soon, or I might think about attacking them!
Akha: *humbly* Sire, may I remind you, being allies with another country means that we have agreed not to attack them.
Teenage Pharaoh: Well the Romans do! Mother says we should be more like the Romans, now they are 'cool'. *whishes arms around in mimed sword fight* They have games every day, with lots of gladiators and killing and lions and stuff ... and if anyone says anything bad about them they just go and kill them *makes downwards stabbing motion*
Akha: *eloquently* Sire, why would we want to be Roman? We are proud Egyptians, with over two thousand years of written history. From the dawn of civilization we have been the most powerful and inventive race ...
Teenage Pharaoh: *huffs* Yes .. yes I had history this morning ... its 'booooring', I want to see gladiators kill each other in horrible ways, I wanna see lions rip people apart and eat them. Being Egyptian is so 'un-cool', anyways, mother says Uncle Brutus is gonna be my new daddy and he is gonna make us more Roman, but he's got a big nose and he smells of horses, but he gives me stuff and that makes him cool. You aren't cool Akhaennuit.
Akha: The temperature is slighly higher today sire.
Teenage Pharaoh: *laughs* See what I mean everybody. *courtiers bow low* You are a joke Akha, and a big baldy, now what you gonna do .. nothin .. *laughs and kicks heels against throne*
Akha: *extreme patience* Sire, shall I relate the message?
Teenage Pharaoh: bah, go on then.
Akha: The Numidains wish to seal this new alliance with a marriage. His highness the king of Numidia offers his eldest daughter as a bride to your majesty.
Teenage Pharaoh: *peeved* Not another one .. I only got married last year. I don't know if I want another one!
Akha: You may have as many wives as you wish sire.
Teenage Pharaoh: Yes, mother keeps telling me that.
I bet she's fat and ugly with lots of spots like the last one. I call her 'piggy spot face fat bum'. Mother says I should be doing what the bulls and cows do with her :embarrassed:, but when I think about it I get a funny sick feeling in my tummy. Anyways I don't want to kiss a spotty ugly girl .... you can't make me.
Akha: Sire, this marriage would be of great benefit to Egypt as it will bring peace to the borders and release troops for use elsewhere. Our enemies will have to rethink any attack from the west and it will also bring increased trade and therfore money to build our cities ...
Teenage Pharaoh: *makes a face* I don't care. I want games not girls. Now go and tell the king that I don't want to marry 'fatty cowface' and that he should give me stuff more often or else. *To courtiers who remain bowed low* I'm thirsty .. don't just stand there ... bring me some juice now!
*courtier runs up with fresh juice*
Akha: *bows low* As you wish sire *under his breath* you little shit you'l get yours.

[The Stranger]

Yihaaaaaaa

[Ianofsmeg16]

Cool Story, this Akha, he's gonna do the Pharoah in aint he?

[The Stranger]

i'm going to write about the World's First House To House Salesman