Didn't Live Up to Expectations
When this baby arrived in the mail, I could hardly contain myself as I scampered from my mailbox to my front door. I almost tripped over an abandoned box of Screaming Yellow Zonkers in my wild sprint home, arms flailing in every direction with the package poorly hidden under my shirt from the sight of neighbors.
Getting inside my apartment, I spent about ten minutes struggling to free the pump from its thick plastic packaging, finally liberating it in a mighty wrenching of plastic and cardboard, nearly smacking myself in the eye with its end.
Then I ran to the bathroom in an effort to secure mysel privacy with this new tool.
"PUMP-click"
"PUMP-click"
"PUMP-click"
"PUMP-click"
"What are you doing in there?"
"Uh...I'm just...uh, I'm not doing anything."
Fearful that someone would know what I was up, to I turned on the sink for a good ten minutes, making myself all the more conspicuous. I'll spare you any specifics about the interaction of my anatomy and the pump, but suffice it to say that I had to kind of lean over as I ran back to my room.
It worked, it really worked!
It didn't work. The success diminished at a surprising rate, like air being let out of a car tire, only without the comical "pbplplpplb!" sound. "What had happened?", I asked myself. Dumbfounded, I contacted their customer service department and reached a representative named Helga.
"Hello, this is Helga."
"Hi, Helga. *Pump* I'm having trouble with your *click* product, the...uh, pump. You know *PUMP-click*."
"Are you currently using the device?"
"NO! *click* WHY DO YOU...*cough* why do you ask?"
"Well sir, that product has been recalled, and we don't recommend using it. You need to return it to the place of purchase for a full refund."
"Oh... I... see...*PUMP-click* ow."
"What was that?"
"Nothing. Thanks."
Regardless, I continued using the device in the hopes that my success would be so...successful, that I'd have to start buying bigger pants. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, and no real change has occurred. Because of this, I cannot recommend this product.
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