"They call us Sissies!" - A joke AAR
DISCLAIMER:
This is not a real AAR, this is just a quick short story. I am using an actual historical occurence.
PLUS I'll give balloons to anyone who can rightly guess what scene from what show I'm blatantly ripping off'f (PLEASE DON'T SUE!!!).
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The Greek officer, resplendent in his fine armour and wearing a fine horsehair crest helmet (that had cost him about a year's worth of wages ((he'd had the cheek guards' designs custom made, and the blacksmith had included for no extra charge a rather humorous image involving a cow, a naked young man, and for some reason, a turnip))) rode hard towards the large, fine tent at the centre of the military camp. Around him, soldiers milled to and fro, doing last-minute drills, bringing back reports of couted terrain, and arguing about who's spear belonged to whom.
Arriving at the tent, he dismounted skillfully and approached the crowd of similarly fine-armoured officers surrounding an impressive-looking General whose armour, cloak, and manicure had probably cost more than the officer could ever hope to make in a lifetime. The officer saluted smartly, had the salute returned while the General eyed him imperiously, and spoke quickly and professionally, in an english that had a hilarious over-exaggerated greek accent.
"General, Sir! I Eutherio Darlingephanos bring important news! The Macedonian tyrant Phillipos has deployed his army, with his bastard son Alexandros on his right flank, and will soon advance on our position! They have with them those new so-called 'pikemen' forming the brunt of their force but, fortunately, we outnumber them comfortably!"
The general responed in an even more hilarious accent.
"Excellent! Tell the men to deploy and prepare for immediate battle"
"I shall sir!" Another salute, and then Darlingephanos hesitated "Erm...if I may ask, General, why exactly do we want to invade Macedonia? I mean, their wine is made from Ox urine and their women are renowned for the length of their beards" Every Greek shuddered involuntarily at the thought. The General was the first to compose himself.
"We attack Macedonia, Darlingephanos, because those gits think they're so tough!" His voice rose steaadily as he spoke, his eyes widening, getting steadily angrier "They call us lady-boys, dainties, and sissies!" This last word was delivered with spittle-delivering rage.
"With respect, general..." Darlingephanos said cautiously "...We ARE sissies. We invented the harp, theatre, and institutionalised homo-eroticism. We will surely be butchered the minute we mince up to the Macedonian battle-line"
"While normally that could be true" the General admitted "I have a full-proof plan! You see, it is my solemn belief that the Gods hate Phillipos and the Macedonians. Surely, if things go badly, they will intervene in person and miraculously deliver us a stunning victory here at Chaeronea!"
Darlingephanos, and every other officer, was so moved by this great announcement, that they simultaneously burst into cries of 'Bravo!' and dainty clapping.
When the excitement had died down, Darlingephanos had the chance to more fully appreciate the General's appearance.
"Lovely armour you have today" He said
"Why, thank you! I think the muscled cuirass in particular favours me alot. Had it done special in Athens, and the silk lace at the armpits is from Persia!"
"It shows, it shows. Good wax-job with the legs too"
"Well, that was a bit of a must, what with the linothorax skirt and all..."
Two Spartan warriors, who at that moment were hurrying past to join the rest of their regiment after having been on a scouting mission, overheard the last statement, and jointly let out an exasperated sigh.
"Bloody sissies" Growled one. The other grunted in agreement.
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And that's it. Please, don't kick me for plagiarism. I promise that the last one will be totally original! Honest, it will! Totally 100% original! Would I lie to you?
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