So... What's the protocol when you find out via facebook that...

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

...the Girl-I-was-not-actually-dating-but-had-a-wierd-non-sexual-relationship-with has just got engaged.

The background to this is: I screwed up royally a little over four years ago and we have had virtually no contact since excpet that we're still friends on facebook. This is someone who I love dearly, who I was never going to marry, who saved me from being borderline-suicidal, and who I can't have any kind of relationship with without us tearing each other to ribbons.

This is also the girl who said I was "not Christian enough".

I knew this was going to happen eventually, I'm mostly glad it did because I want her to be happy, have a full life. Still, something just broke inside me.

Thoughts?

Oh, and yeah - this is why you don't hear much about my personal feelings.

[Rhyfelwyr]

I'm sorry to hear that this has torn you up a bit, philipvs.

When you have a touch of 'oneitis' the best way to get over it is just to remember that there are other girls out there.

I'm gonna seriously advocate that you take ACIN's advice. Hit the gym, lawyer up and delete your facebook account. Absolutely srs.

If you hit the gym and get big girls will notice. And you will become confident because, well, you have something to be confident about. Don't try to look 'ripped' as if you will be hanging out at the beach, we live in the UK so do a big dirty bulk so you look massive with clothes on. I feel so much different from a couple years ago when I was a little 140lbs skinny kid to right now joining the 200lbs+ club.

And delete facebook. What do you gain from it? Probably nothing, you just browse it when you are bored and get hung up on people you used to know hence this thread. All you need is a mobile.

Hopefully you won't be doing anything that means you need to lawyer up, but otherwise it is sound advice.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I see that my wisdom is finally gaining acceptance in the mainstream,

In all honesty, I agree in principle with my typical saying and with Rhy. You are a pretty smart guy PVC and as long as you show that with confidence to the ladies, you will find the right girl for you.

Find some way to gain back your confidence. I wouldn't necessarily say you need to improve yourself physically but it just so happens that hitting the gym hard helps many people with confidence through physical improvement.

Cheer up buddy, we all have such heart breaks from time to time.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

I'm sorry to hear that this has torn you up a bit, philipvs.

When you have a touch of 'oneitis' the best way to get over it is just to remember that there are other girls out there.

I'm gonna seriously advocate that you take ACIN's advice. Hit the gym, lawyer up and delete your facebook account. Absolutely srs.

If you hit the gym and get big girls will notice. And you will become confident because, well, you have something to be confident about. Don't try to look 'ripped' as if you will be hanging out at the beach, we live in the UK so do a big dirty bulk so you look massive with clothes on. I feel so much different from a couple years ago when I was a little 140lbs skinny kid to right now joining the 200lbs+ club.

And delete facebook. What do you gain from it? Probably nothing, you just browse it when you are bored and get hung up on people you used to know hence this thread. All you need is a mobile.

Hopefully you won't be doing anything that means you need to lawyer up, but otherwise it is sound advice.

I see that my wisdom is finally gaining acceptance in the mainstream,

In all honesty, I agree in principle with my typical saying and with Rhy. You are a pretty smart guy PVC and as long as you show that with confidence to the ladies, you will find the right girl for you.

Find some way to gain back your confidence. I wouldn't necessarily say you need to improve yourself physically but it just so happens that hitting the gym hard helps many people with confidence through physical improvement.

Cheer up buddy, we all have such heart breaks from time to time.

I have no interest in the GYM, but being fit and healthy is not a problem for me - I confess I used to be fitter, but it's been a rough year. Also, Rhy, stop measuring your weight in pounds.

Nor do I plan on finding someone.

I'm not giving up facebook either.

If this was a confidence issue that would all be fairly good advice, likewise if this was a jealosy issue.

This is a topic to stop me posting "Congratulations, God bless you both" completely non-ironically on facebook. There is more than one type of love, and in this case it is a love I have to live with and I get no thanks for.

So, now that the soppy bit is out of the way let us consider the implications of modern media. Ten years ago, I would not have this problem, but I would also likely long since have gone mad and either killed myself or started stalking her to satisfy myself she was ok.

As it is, facebook delivers me regular reports regarding her wellbeing, preventing my mind from wandering from one imagined danger to the next.

Obviously, I'm mentally disturbed but I'm also functional because of facebook and the fact that people can broadcast their lives onto it and I'd still be mentally disturbed without facebook.

[rory_20_uk]

After the 7/7 bombings my ex got in touch to check to see if I was OK. And if I had been blinded and had my hands blown off would she have done anything? Probably not. She wanted the illusion of caring. Facebook is only retrospective. Rarely of any use to prevent bad things happening. Few people post "was beaten and raped last night - LOL. Off to the police station..."

Monitoring from afar doesn't help, it prolongs things. In the nicest possible way, speaking as one of many who has trodden this road, get over it and move on. Just be grateful you've not got any baggage linking you to her permanently. E-stalking might be easier in the short term, but helps no one. A break is extremely difficult but things slowly improve.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I have no interest in the GYM, but being fit and healthy is not a problem for me - I confess I used to be fitter, but it's been a rough year. Also, Rhy, stop measuring your weight in pounds.Nor do I plan on finding someone.I'm not giving up facebook either.If this was a confidence issue that would all be fairly good advice, likewise if this was a jealosy issue.This is a topic to stop me posting "Congratulations, God bless you both" completely non-ironically on facebook. There is more than one type of love, and in this case it is a love I have to live with and I get no thanks for.So, now that the soppy bit is out of the way let us consider the implications of modern media. Ten years ago, I would not have this problem, but I would also likely long since have gone mad and either killed myself or started stalking her to satisfy myself she was ok.As it is, facebook delivers me regular reports regarding her wellbeing, preventing my mind from wandering from one imagined danger to the next.Obviously, I'm mentally disturbed but I'm also functional because of facebook and the fact that people can broadcast their lives onto it and I'd still be mentally disturbed without facebook.

Just because your brain is broken, doesn't mean you can be ungrateful to those that are trying to help you and cheer you up.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

After the 7/7 bombings my ex got in touch to check to see if I was OK. And if I had been blinded and had my hands blown off would she have done anything? Probably not. She wanted the illusion of caring. Facebook is only retrospective. Rarely of any use to prevent bad things happening. Few people post "was beaten and raped last night - LOL. Off to the police station..."

Monitoring from afar doesn't help, it prolongs things. In the nicest possible way, speaking as one of many who has trodden this road, get over it and move on. Just be grateful you've not got any baggage linking you to her permanently. E-stalking might be easier in the short term, but helps no one. A break is extremely difficult but things slowly improve.

I see where you're coming from, I really do, and if she was my girlfriend at some point that would be how I would have handled it. As it is, those memories aren't going anywhere and I have no momento of her which is not a momento of something else. Un adding her on facebook would do no good as we have upwards of maybe 30 friends in common still, including people I actually see and meet up with on occasion, cutting the link with her would just mean getting bits and pieces unless I cut ALL those people out as well.

She's still going to be the one who stopped me being suicidal, and I'm still going to be the one who broke the realtionship almost without help.

Then there's the part where she was instrumental in me coming to terms with believing in God.

It is, after all, all connected.

I'll confess to e-stalking in the past but it has become a vanishing urge - especially over the last year - and as I said, I'm sane enough now to resist writing a congratulary note. Either that would mean nothing to her, so why bother or it would mean something, so why hurt her.

As I said though, without the option of digital stalking I might have taken up actual stalking - which is something I find interesting in and of itself.

Beyond that, I have honestly never been able to have an intimate relationship with anyone in 25 years of life and I don't expect that to ever change. The thing I have to come to terms with is that I'm only interested in women I can't ever have and I'm not able to live with someone else and modify my life accordingly.

So why worry about it?

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Just because your brain is broken, doesn't mean you can be ungrateful to those that are trying to help you and cheer you up.

I'm really not ungrateful, I was just explaining that I'm not looking for that kind of help or advice.

And yes - my brain is really broken, I even have a dent on the left side of my skull to illustrate the point.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Beyond that, I have honestly never been able to have an intimate relationship with anyone in 25 years of life and I don't expect that to ever change. The thing I have to come to terms with is that I'm only interested in women I can't ever have and I'm not able to live with someone else and modify my life accordingly.So why worry about it?

This is obviously dysfunctional and not healthy. You should seek professional help in my opinion.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

This is obviously dysfunctional and not healthy. You should seek professional help in my opinion.

Why?

I mean, yes, obviously this is dysfunctional in the sense that I can't function in a relationship but why seek professional help? At the end of the day, far worse men than me enter into relationships, get their girlfriends pregnant then freak out and leave - should they all seek professional help, and if so what proportion of the population should be in therapty/medicated?

[a completely inoffensive name]

Why?I mean, yes, obviously this is dysfunctional in the sense that I can't function in a relationship but why seek professional help? At the end of the day, far worse men than me enter into relationships, get their girlfriends pregnant then freak out and leave - should they all seek professional help, and if so what proportion of the population should be in therapty/medicated?

Don't be an idiot PVC. You are smarter than this. You know the fallacy of composition (I think that is the right term) you are throwing out here. Being irresponsible in a relationship as you describe is not the same as admiting defeat in life at age 25.Get help. Why? Why not.

[rvg]

PVC, if you're having trouble finding women, then focus on your career and get rich and successful. At that point they'll be finding you, you'll just need to choose which ones and/or how many.

[HoreTore]

Facebook is for bad humour and posting embarassing pictures of last nights drunkeness.

Nothing else.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Don't be an idiot PVC. You are smarter than this. You know the fallacy of composition (I think that is the right term) you are throwing out here. Being irresponsible in a relationship as you describe is not the same as admiting defeat in life at age 25.Get help. Why? Why not.

No, why?

I'm being charitable if I say I'm a hard man to get on with, certainly to live with. One of my housemates from university (also female) catagorically refuses to speak with me ever. I have plenty of friends, I get on well with people at work, but trying to form that meaningful relationship just always ends in floods of tears.

I mean come on, we're talking about someone here I never actually pursued as a reomantic partner, but I still hurt her so badly she doesn't want me in her life.

For me, personally, it just isn't worth it.

[rvg]

Facebook is for bad humour and posting embarassing pictures of last nights drunkeness.

The pictures that potentially can come back to haunt you decades later.

[Strike For The South]

You sound like an ass

You can wrap it up in all the flowerly, intellctual, hoiler than thou language you want.

You are still an ass.

You know how you rectify this situation

Stop making girls cry

Be nice

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

You sound like an ass

You can wrap it up in all the flowerly, intellctual, hoiler than thou language you want.

You are still an ass.

You know how you rectify this situation

Stop making girls cry

Be nice

I'm sorry, where did I say I wasn't an ass?

Hey, I broke it - I admit that, if you really care I used a combination of not-being-able-to-deal-with-intense-emotions and -I-can't-keep-my-temper-in-check so I'll storm off.

I already said I'm crap at even trying to do meaningful relationships with women, so I no longer subject them to my attempts at intimacy.

As for nice, I'll go one better - I'm generally considered "kind".

Until I try to be anything more than friends, then evberyone gets hurt. So now I try to get into those situations.

Also, you guys really are hard, eh?

[Strike For The South]

You seemed to have resigned yourself to the situation. I'm not going to try and armchair diagnos you but I will say that when you have multiple examples of you making girls (whom you don't even have sex with) cry it is most likely your fault.

[a completely inoffensive name]

No, why?

I'm being charitable if I say I'm a hard man to get on with, certainly to live with. One of my housemates from university (also female) catagorically refuses to speak with me ever. I have plenty of friends, I get on well with people at work, but trying to form that meaningful relationship just always ends in floods of tears.

I mean come on, we're talking about someone here I never actually pursued as a reomantic partner, but I still hurt her so badly she doesn't want me in her life.

Doesn't this make it apparent that there is something wrong with your logic here? You are not suffering from a systematic mental disorder that prevents you from even communicating with other human beings. You are fundamentally a normal, decent guy with some issues, just like everyone other guy out there. Issues that can be worked out, if you seek help. Your problems don't in any way have to be taken for granted.

For me, personally, it just isn't worth it.

But it really is. By seeking help you may be able to have a healthy romantic relationship in the future. All it takes is to just open yourself with a trusted professional. Hell, you are opening yourself to strangers on the internet, so what is really holding you back from possibly being happier?

[a completely inoffensive name]

At this point, I guess it is none of my business to keep pushing my opinion on you. My maternal instant got the best of me. But I hope everything turns out well for you PVC.

[Rhyfelwyr]

I have no interest in the GYM, but being fit and healthy is not a problem for me - I confess I used to be fitter, but it's been a rough year. Also, Rhy, stop measuring your weight in pounds.

Nor do I plan on finding someone.

I'm not giving up facebook either.

Beyond that, I have honestly never been able to have an intimate relationship with anyone in 25 years of life and I don't expect that to ever change. The thing I have to come to terms with is that I'm only interested in women I can't ever have and I'm not able to live with someone else and modify my life accordingly.

So why worry about it?

So to sum that up... you refuse to change anything, you don't believe anything ever will change, and you are asking why you should worry about that?

Well, first off, you obviously are worried about it. You said yourself it's not good that you've been e-stalking her. The whole point of this thread is that you are feeling hurt. And by who? A girl that you last seen four years ago? That you didn't even have an intimate relationship with?

So what do you want from this thread? Were you just looking for a bit of sympathy, and for us to accept that at 25 years old you're obviously going to spend the rest of your life alone?

Because that idea is, well... crazy. You're a sensible guy and I think on some level you know that and you're just a bit emotional right now.

I know you want advice on this specific case and this specific girl. Like yourself if I made a thread like this I would be frustrated if people focused on telling me how to feel better rather than giving me advice on the actual girl. But that's just because we wouldn't want to accept that she is with someone else and most likely for the long-term. So the best thing you can do really is to a) take you mind of her and b) get your mind focusing on other girls. Those two complement each other.

Your perspective is "why bother" because you are so upset you can't have this girl. But that perspective is simply wrong. Even if emotionally speaking that is how you feel, I think the more rational part of you knows that it is wrong and that you just need to get over her.

For a purely short-term way to take your mind off her, do something. Preferably something that will give you an endorphin rush. Pick up a barbell. Go out on a Friday night and see the pubs/clubs. If you're not into that already, you might shock yourself by finding you enjoy it and comfortable in that environment (me being an example of that). Batter an Englishman for flying the St. George's Cross in the Cornish Free State. idk, just do something other that sitting looking at this girl's facebook.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

You seemed to have resigned yourself to the situation. I'm not going to try and armchair diagnos you but I will say that when you have multiple examples of you making girls (whom you don't even have sex with) cry it is most likely your fault.

You are getting no arguments here - I would say the breakdown of this particular relationship, I use the word generally, was about 75% my fault if not more. The other 25% would be happenstance and me knowing she was lying to me for no apparent reason. I called time, or rather called a break and she rebuffed me later when I approached her, on the basis that we were hurting each other more than anything else.

As I say, that was mutually agreed - but what you may have gathered is I'm bad with other people's emotions, with reading them and understanding them. I know what love, fear, pain, hate, feel like but I don't know when I'm going to make someone else feel like that except by trial and error.

The second girl has issues of her own, I'm calling that one 50/50.

I can't read other people's emotions and I can't express them naturally, so with this particular girl not only did I badly misjudge situations and upset her (for the record, I must have done as much bawling) but I couldn't communicate convincingly.

Ah right, that was why she didn't trust me - she thought I was fake. I blocked that out, that bit hurt.

[The Stranger]

what do you wish to achieve with this thread?

[Rhyfelwyr]

I can't read other people's emotions and I can't express them naturally

Yeah you're male.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

So to sum that up... you refuse to change anything, you don't believe anything ever will change, and you are asking why you should worry about that?

Well, first off, you obviously are worried about it. You said yourself it's not good that you've been e-stalking her. The whole point of this thread is that you are feeling hurt. And by who? A girl that you last seen four years ago? That you didn't even have an intimate relationship with?

So what do you want from this thread? Were you just looking for a bit of sympathy, and for us to accept that at 25 years old you're obviously going to spend the rest of your life alone?

When did you get so grown up - no don't answer that, I don't want to know.

I'll answer the most pointed question first - why did I start this thread.

I started this thread mostly as a distraction, in the short term I needed to express something and get way from that facebook post. In this case, looking back at the mistakes I made then helps to give me perspective on current impulses. The fact the current impulses aren't healthy is another issue.

I tend to keep memories, it's a talent - I don't have many keepsakes or photographs because I don't need them. The downside to this is I'm stuck with the good things as well as the bad.

As I said, I was e-stalking her, the impulse went away once I realised she had a boyfriend, occasionally stuff comes up on the news feed and today it was a picture of her with a ring, a great big sodding one.

Oh, I am in much better humour now, btw.

Because that idea is, well... crazy. You're a sensible guy and I think on some level you know that and you're just a bit emotional right now.

Normally I'd take issue with this on a philosophical level, because there's nothing that says just because most people strive for a family life etc. I can't be selibate because I don't feel equipped for that, but it doesn't really matter for the case in hand.

I'm not going to compare it to being Gay or anything like that, that would not only be tawdry but innacurate. Even so, you're still making a big assumption in assuming a relationship will make me happy.

I know you want advice on this specific case and this specific girl. Like yourself if I made a thread like this I would be frustrated if people focused on telling me how to feel better rather than giving me advice on the actual girl. But that's just because we wouldn't want to accept that she is with someone else and most likely for the long-term. So the best thing you can do really is to a) take you mind of her and b) get your mind focusing on other girls. Those two complement each other.

The urge to murder him when I travel up to [blank] where they are in a couple of weeks has passed thanks, as has the urge to offer congratulations. See, but I know where she is because of mutual friends not e-stalking.

Your perspective is "why bother" because you are so upset you can't have this girl. But that perspective is simply wrong. Even if emotionally speaking that is how you feel, I think the more rational part of you knows that it is wrong and that you just need to get over her.

Well, to be fair, my outlook vacilitates between "why bother" and something slightly more hopeful, but mostly "why bother" - last woman I expressed an interest in made it quite clear she was not going to deal with another Christian amn, thank you very much - so we are just friends.

This particular girl though, there's nothing to get over in the traditional sense. Yes, there was a relationship, officially non-sexual, but not exactly simple either - I got over that, I got over not having her to talk to, though I haven't found an equally sympathetic ear in the last four years, I got over the fact I'll never be able to sleep with her, that was hard because she has/had great legs. Despite all this, I can honestly say I was never actually in love with her - there was a point I thought I was, but I was infact confusing two different emotions and a seperate base attraction.

There's the other stuff though, that isn't going any where.

The sympathetic view I have of people, my tendancy to give people the benefit of the doubt, about 50% of my particular mix of Christianity, the "Christian" bit with the feelings in it... There's my sunny outlook on life, by comparisons, I used to be, "lets join the army and get killed as soon as possible to get it over with."

This isn't about some girl I used ot have a thing for, not really, it's about a friendship I broke with someone who supported me through a very dark period of my life and helped to make me, in many ways, a better and generally happier and peaceful person.

If you want a question to answer, it should be this:

How do you deal with not having someone in your life you honestly thought would always be there? I mean, this isn't about the girl I thought I'd marry, this is about the girl I thought would be talking me down when I got cold feet on the wedding day. Yes, I realise I haven't exactly described it like that, but it wasn't a static relationship, the bad bits just drowned out the good bits despite mostoly being fewer and further between.

That's a much harder thing to cope with., in many way.

You know, even this post can remind me of her, she labled me an "accute self analyst", not that it did me more good then than now.

For a purely short-term way to take your mind off her, do something. Preferably something that will give you an endorphin rush. Pick up a barbell. Go out on a Friday night and see the pubs/clubs. If you're not into that already, you might shock yourself by finding you enjoy it and comfortable in that environment (me being an example of that). Batter an Englishman for flying the St. George's Cross in the Cornish Free State. idk, just do something other that sitting looking at this girl's facebook.

The best short term cure would be for me to go out, get roaring drunk and find a pretty girl a few years younger then myself and seduce her. Not sure how that would pan out in the long term, but it would work in the short term.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

what do you wish to achieve with this thread?

I'm venting - cus you guyz is me broz, innit?

Yeah you're male.

Yeah, by those lights I'm Ubermale - seriously.

[rory_20_uk]

Are you on the Autistic spectrum? I know we all are to a greater or lesser degree, but are you further along than most?

[HoreTore]

The pictures that potentially can come back to haunt you decades later.

They'll only haunt me if I care.

Besides, if they haven't understood what I'm like after meeting me in person, seeing ymy facebook pics isn't going to do them any good in that regard. After all, what pictures do is document reality. It's not like I change personality on pictures. If they can handle real-life HoreTore, they can handle pictures of me sucking a lamb bone that oddly resemble a penis, with a less than sober facial expression.

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Just wait till you're 35 and then date some other 35 year olds. In the meantime make the most of being single.

I thought you were 30 something already though so what do I know

[The Stranger]

I'm venting - cus you guyz is me broz, innit?

allright if thats it :P i think this belongs in the frontroom with all the other girlthreads