Military quotes...

[Kadagar_AV]

As this is a "total war" forum, what fun thingys do you remember from time in the army, or have heard from others?

* Standard Swedish officer saying, dating back several hundred years.

Because the stirrup was broken, the rider was missing. Because the rider was missing, his squad lost their combat. Because the squad lost its combat, the platoon had to fall back, because the platoon fell back, the regiment was unable to reinforce others, because they couldn't reinforce, their flank turned into a rout, because their flank routed, the battle was lost... *this is the moment where the officer typically leans in till he is as close to your face as possible without kissing - and shouts: YOUR INABILITY TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR GEAR COST SWEDEN ITS FREEDOM!!!


* You aim so poorly you wouldn't hit a barn... WHILE STANDING INSIDE OF IT!!

*You aim so poorly, that if it wasn't for gravity, YOU WOULDNT HIT THE GROUND.

* OK, this time around, I don't expect you to hit your target, as you obviously are unable to. But at least aim the rifle in their general direction and see if you can scare them a little bit!!

* (this was directed to me), XXXXXXX, you are no longer sergeant, you are a damn minus soldier. That means your battle partner is your boss, every soldier is your boss, my dog is your boss... **** THE COFFEE MACHINE IS YOUR ****ING BOSS!!!


* (upon seeing a chubby soldier) YOU THERE, you should EAT LESS and S**T more!!

* (first field exercise) Hey wannabe soldiers, listen up. During this exercise a few of you will find out that you are to spoiled and rotten by modern society, that you can not handle military life. That happens in every squad ever year. Just do yourself and myself a favour, and quit. You idiots will pretend to be "sick" or "injured", that's why we bring a doctor and 3 nurses out.
YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH PRETENDING TO NOT BE ABLE, UNLESS YOU ARE BLEEDING WORRYINGLY MUCH OR HAVE BROKEN BONES... Got it? Just say you want out, or switch to an easier company. And you will be off.


I have loads more, these were just from the top of my head...

I don't know if it's the same elsewhere, but Swedish officers are quite eloquent, probably because they follow a script that has been reworked and perfected over some hundreds of years.

[HopAlongBunny]

Though I was never in the military a fav of retired soldiers I knew was:

"This is the Canadian Army not the Salvation Army! If you're looking for pity or a hand-out you came to the wrong place."

[Brenus]

"nothing is created, nothing is lost everything is transformed" A Lt in Infantry Combat School Academy.

"but I know you like it" Adjudant, after a very punishing exercise...

[Sarmatian]

PICK THAT GARBAGE UP!!!! - during my community service which I chose instead of the army. Terrifying experience.

[Crandar]

On his deathbed, while being asked from a priest to forgive his enemies, Ex-Minister of War Narvaez (19th century Spain) replied:
"I have none. I have had them all shot."
Sums up the late Spainish history pretty accurately, methinks.

[Kadagar_AV]

* Take your hands out of the pockets! Ten against one isnt fair!!

*
Officer: Private XXXXXX, did you understand the orders!
Private XXXXX: Yes captain.
Officer: Good, as you are the dumbest of you lot, it means the others have understood it too.

* Officer presenting himself to his new company.

My name is Silfver, first name Captain. My wife address me as captain and I have defensive entrenchments in my back yard. Outside of Army life I train mountain marathon and hunt. Any questions?


* While working with timed C4 charges...

Private: *worried* shouldnt' we withdraw now?
Officer: Nah, plenty of time...
Private: *a small time later, now sounding VERY worried* Sure we shouldn't run?
Officer: Take it cool.
*a few seconds pass*
Officer: *now turned against the platoon* now, however, you should RUN AS ****!!

[The Lurker Below]

Git off mah grass, private.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Don't call me Sir, I work for a living.

That ones's standard issue across NATO.

Really funny when it comes out of the mouth of a newly promotes Sergeant Major here.

I actually have a couple of funny military anecdote - I never made it into the army due to twisting my ankle (my fault, not deliberate) - but I was planning to join up, and pursuant to that I took being a military cadet seriously.

Story #1

On the parade ground, practising rifle drill. All I had to do was get the SA80 from Order Arms on the right to Slope on the left. It's three movements. Somehow, I still do not know how a decade late the rifle ended up on my left arm. I really don't know how that's possible, I should have dropped it.

Anyway - the Drill Sergeant looks at me like I'm the lowest form of life, with an IQ roughly equal to the results of last night's curry. He asks me, "Wallinder, why is that rifle under your left arm?"

I look at him and said the first thing that came into my head as smartly as I could, "because I'm an idiot sir!"

"Good answer, carry on."

So I sorted my life out, as they say, and we carried on.

Story #2

The thing about the military cadets here is that the army don't take us seriously, we're viewed like energetic puppies, alternately endearing and annoying. That's fair enough, but we took ourselves EXTREMELY seriously.

So, there I am with a platoon waiting on the MT ground for a n officer to come along and show us around Catterick Garrison.

Said officer (a regular captain) came up behind us, out of my line of sight, and starts talking. He never would have done this to a regular NCO, but all he sees is a bunch of children, obviously. I panicked - I've spent 6 years doing footdrill by this point, since age of 12, and I know that the correct protocol is to bring my Platoon to attention, salute the office and wait for him to tell me I can stand the formation at ease.

CRAP NO TIME FOR THAT!

18 year old me does the About-Turn, heel slams into the ground, the arm comes up for the salute and a single word issues forth, "SIR!"

The poor captain got far too close, little do I realise he's only about 2 feet behind me, he stumbles back arms quite literally wind-milling in the air to keep his balance, then he recovers, returns the salute and says, "thank you Sergeant Major", (For reasons that now escape me I didn't have a uniform smock on, just a T-shirt and no rank).

I found out afterwards he was the former Regimental Sergeant Major, so he really should have known better.

[Brenus]

"I've been a civilian for a few years now, and I still don't walk on the grass" I still don't put easily my hands in pockets...

[Kadagar_AV]

* Combat should be like a escalating rape, with you as the perpetrator.





One quote from ME:
"Captain XXXXXXX should be in a cell with a glass wall. By the glass, there should be a hammer and the text "Break glass in case of war".

*I was quite proud of it*


EDIT: The first quote was from that captain... Of course, he's kind of a legend in that battalion.

[Kadagar_AV]

Oooooh, and one of my favourites... Wasn't something I was part of though, it was a friends platoon...


First field week, after lining up on the beach, it looked really bad with soldiers all over the place. The captain spent some time explaining how it works, with one person deciding the direction and everyone following his lead on command...

Anyway, the captain then walks up to the person who was supposed to lead the direction, and a few centimeters from his ear he says "Shout: Towards the sea!!"

The private gave him a funny look and wriggled a little.

The captain then leaned in even closer, if possible, and went: SHOUT. TOWARDS THE SEA.

The private then loaded up his lungs fully, directed himself towards the sea, and went "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

The captain was stone faced, but their both second lieutenants had to turn around, dying of laughter...

[Fisherking]

Generally, a 2Lt couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions printed on the bottom.

If you see the EOD team running, follow them.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.

Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.

The most dangerous thing to your units safety is giving a map and compass to your new Lt.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.

What the infantry calls an overwhelming enemy presence a tanker calls a target rich environment.

Marines are taught to run toward enemy fire. The army is taught to shoot back.

[Kagemusha]

Forward Observer instructor: "Make no mistake about it. Indirect fire is the killer. Infantry is only at the battlefield to ravage the corpses".
Senior instructor from infantry petty officer school: " If i had equal amounts of power compared to physical strength. I would be the lord of this galaxy".

[Seamus Fermanagh]

Civil wars aren't.

Friendly fire isn't.

[Fisherking]

Comparison of US military operational tactics (Snake model)

Infantry:
Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne:
Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor:
Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation:
Has GPS coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger:
Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery:
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces:
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer:
Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL:
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy:
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake Force projection.

Marine:
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs.
Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area ofOperations.

Marine Recon:
Follows snake, gets lost.

[Kadagar_AV]

Forward Observer instructor: "Make no mistake about it. Indirect fire is the killer. Infantry is only at the battlefield to ravage the corpses".
Senior instructor from infantry petty officer school: " If i had equal amounts of power compared to physical strength. I would be the lord of this galaxy".

You can't spell party without arty...




Sniper school: "We put the human in the centre"

[Greyblades]

Airborne:
Lands on and kills the snake.

Hmm, going by this, the american airborne seem to have the best reputation.

[Hooahguy]

So in the US Army theres this thing called the Grog Bowl where basically people put in random/nasty things in a punch bowl and people have to drink out of it for one reason or another. It takes place during the dining in formalities at the end of each year. In my case it was a dirty boot, Froot Loops, rotten strawberries, a blue card (cadet assessment form) and a few other things besides the alcohol and fruit punch, and eventually I had to drink out of it as well. But before I went to drink my commanding officer called me over to ask me a question and apparently our conversation went a bit too long because a salty major who was sitting next to him yelled "Hooahguy, if you dont drink that goddamn cup of grog right goddamn now I will force you to eat that goddamn boot!"

Needless to say I drank pretty quickly.

[Kadagar_AV]

About the radio:
See guys, you are not allowed to open up this thingy here, and insert metal wire, and take it to someones balls or teeth or so... as that would be torture, and that isn't allowed.


About the personnel mine:
So, if you attach, say, a string to this bit here by doing it like this, and this, and this... you will get a booby trap. Those are not allowed, you are only allowed to set these off manually.


About guarding the castle
So, if someone doesn't stop when ordered, you shoot them in the stomach and then you fire a shot in the air. When it goes to court, you can say you aimed for the leg but missed, and every witness will swear they heard two shots... So you come off as having actually done a warning shot.





Yeah, the captain drilling us in combat was one of those originals... He totally had our backs and I would follow him in war... But DAMN how misplaced he was in a modern peaceful society.

[Kadagar_AV]

At peace we have taxis...

At war we have the navy...




"As Sweden is in a temporary state of unwar..." <- The way our captain started a lot of rants... Generally about lousy civilians and their thoughts on the army...

[Kadagar_AV]

Officer talks about threats to Sweden...

Officer: So, to defend against the east we have (goes on to describe different defensive positions).
Private: Can't the enemy come from the west?
Officer: Well of course, but why would the Russians go all the way around?

*cementing Swedens look on international threats*

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

"One time I picked up a rifle and it just broke in half."

I don't remember where that one came from, but it refers to the SA80.

[Hooahguy]

Officer talks about threats to Sweden...

Officer: So, to defend against the east we have (goes on to describe different defensive positions).
Private: Can't the enemy come from the west?
Officer: Well of course, but why would the Russians go all the way around?

*cementing Swedens look on international threats*

Classic Swedes, always underestimating the Norwegians.

[Kadagar_AV]

We used to own them...

We then gave them their nation back as, well, who wants Norway?

[Hooahguy]

We used to own them...

We then gave them their nation back as, well, who wants Norway?

He says, lamenting the fact that Norway has the oil...

[Kadagar_AV]

He says, lamenting the fact that Norway has the oil...

That particular part of it all is kind of annoying. Still, I am more happy having less money, than I would be had I had norwegians around me ;)

[Seamus Fermanagh]

Marine: My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment

Historically, anything the US army was done with, thought antiquated, or thought unlivable (like 29 palms) was given to the USMC.

[Seamus Fermanagh]

Indeed, its value as a desultory saying is undermined by the reality of the matter. Great woe, I say!

Methinks thou hast been playing ye olde medieval games anon sirrah.

[Kadagar_AV]

Historically, anything the US army was done with, thought antiquated, or thought unlivable (like 29 palms) was given to the USMC.

If I understood this correctly talking to a US colonel... The marines are part of the navys budget, not the armys... And as navy people REALLY don't bother with army stuff, they basically have to make do with the "trickling down" effect of the army.

I guess that's why they have to adapt to overcome (... their lousy equipment).

This was in 2001 though, perhaps USMC these days get to play with real soldiers equipment.

[Kadagar_AV]

Captain when a private complains his (size small) bulletproof vest is to big...:

"The food court is over there, the gym is over there... Fix the problem!!"