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Thread: Jokes

  1. #31
    master of the pwniverse Member Fragony's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fragony
    The only part of the joke I got was the part that showed it shouldn't be here - Beirut
    eh? what now??

    (Double entendres are. Try to keep it clean though, please - Beirut)

    didn't I?

    (No, you didn't - Beirut)
    Last edited by Beirut; 03-03-2006 at 11:47.

  2. #32
    Tree Killer Senior Member Beirut's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Let us be oh so very careful with our "jokes". If you think it's over the line then don't post it. Joke threads have led to multiple Warning Points and temp bans. Think before you post.

    You are responsible for what you post and you will be held responsible for what you post.
    Unto each good man a good dog

  3. #33
    Speaker of Truth Senior Member Moros's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    What did hitler say to his men when he went to his tank?
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    men, I'm going to my tank!

  4. #34
    master of the pwniverse Member Fragony's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Placed this one before but it's a funny one.

    A farmer favourite rooster died, and the chickens won't lay any eggs until he has a new one, so he heads to town. At the petshop he sees the most magnificant rooster he has ever seen, perfection. The shopkeeper gives him a wink and says: 'you have a keen eye my friend, this animal is a gift from the gods, but be warned, this rooster is extremily sexual'.
    'What is wrong with that' the farmer thinks, 'a good rooster makes lots of chickens' so he pays and drives home with his treassure. He introduces the rooster to the chickens, and within seconds a cloud of feather blocks his sight, a horrifying sight.... and the shreeks of panicking chickens doesn't help. When the air is clear again he sees his rooster, barely alive. He picks him up 'you got to pace yourselve my friend, this will kill you, you have to slow down a little'. All the rooster can do is nod before it falls asleep.
    Next day is a nightmare. The dog, the cat, his wife, his daughter, all laying all over the place with a glaze of terror that chills the farmer to his bones. In the middle he finds his rooster, barely alive. 'We discussed this before sonny, there is no being on earth that can keep this up, this is madness, pace yourselve for the love of god'. All the rooster can do is nod before it's falls asleep.
    It isn't the rooster that wakes him the next day, but the sirens and the screams of terror that come out of town. He immediatly realises what is going on and he speeds to town. It's a warzone, nothing can stop this thing. He has to be careful not to step on the victims, they are everywhere. And there it is, lying on the floor, dead. Vultures are allready closing in, the farmer kicks them away and checks out the rooster. Suddenly the rooster opens 1 eye 'you prick, I almost had them'.

  5. #35

    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Big_John
    maybe you should explain that joke to me DA, because it doesn't sound "sooo wrong" or "tooo evil", it simply sounds like racism. but maybe i am mistaken, please explain?
    Big John, agreed. It was an uncalled for reference to a tired stereotype that plays upon the suffering of the poor and ignorant in urban ghettos.

    I initially editted the out-and-out statement,and changed it to something more "subtle" (flavored dairy as a metaphor). I was PWD, and I guess I wanted to throw in a politically incorrect joke like the old "antique farm equipment" joke.

    I completely agree that it was uncalled for and came across as racist.

    I apologize if I offended you.
    "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." -Einstein

    Quote Originally Posted by Pannonian View Post
    The Backroom is the Crackroom.

  6. #36
    boy of DESTINY Senior Member Big_John's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    thanks for taking the time to respond to my concern DA. apology accepted. you really need to figure out a way to stop posting while drunk.. you always end up with warning points.

    though, that's better than the gender-reassigned strangers i find in my bed the mornings after i've gotten wasted..
    Last edited by Big_John; 03-07-2006 at 21:31.
    now i'm here, and history is vindicated.

  7. #37
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    There was short lived delight for viewers today as SKY announced it will be covering this years World Origami Championships.

    Uproar ensued shortly afterwards, after it was announced it would only be available on paper view.

    I'll get me coat......
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

  8. #38
    Ceasar Member octavian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    -bump-
    60+ new units – including the mighty Indian War Elephants, Persian immortals and Indian naked female archers.

  9. #39
    Moderator Moderator Gregoshi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    I got this one via email last week:

    A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

    The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday!

    This space intentionally left blank

  10. #40
    Ceasar Member octavian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    rofl greg!
    60+ new units – including the mighty Indian War Elephants, Persian immortals and Indian naked female archers.

  11. #41
    Member Member Avicenna's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    There were four nuns who were allowed by the abbott to have the weekend off. At the end of the weekend, the four nuns went to the abbott to confess their sins.

    The first nun said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I stole some food from a shop." The abbott was silent for a few seconds, and replied,
    "The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun starts to giggle, but the abbott ignores her.

    The second nun said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
    "What have you done?", asked the abbott.
    "I drove my sister's car and ran over a cat.", replied the nun. The abbott stood silent for a minute, and replied,
    "The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun is chuckling loudly now, and the abbott is visibly annoyed.

    The second nun confessed,"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I ran up and down high street naked last night" The abbott looked up at the ceiling for a full five minutes before replying,
    "The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun is bursting out with laughter now, and the abbott asks impatiently,
    "What is so funny?" The nun, barely able to control her laughter, replied
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    "I pissed in the holy water."
    Last edited by Avicenna; 03-09-2006 at 22:44.
    Student by day, bacon-eating narwhal by night (specifically midnight)

  12. #42
    Senior Member Senior Member Yeti Sports 1.5 Champion, Snowboard Slalom Champion, Monkey Jump Champion, Mosquito Kill Champion Csargo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Ok I heard this on the radio a couple of weeks ago so forgive me if I make a mistake.

    Ok theres a guy from Texas and a man from Louisiana and there both trying to get the same job so the man testing them for the job gives them a ten question test so they go sit down and finish at about the same time and go back and wait for the man to check them. So he calls the back up and tells them that they both missed the same question. So the man testing them for the job says that he is going to hire the man from Texas. The man from Louisiana says"why we missed the same amount of questions." So the man says well for number nine the man from Texas put I don't know and you put I don't either.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sooh View Post
    I wonder if I can make Csargo cry harder by doing everyone but his ISO.

  13. #43
    Ja mata, TosaInu Forum Administrator edyzmedieval's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tiberius
    There were four nuns who were allowed by the abbott to have the weekend off. At the end of the weekend, the four nuns went to the abbott to confess their sins.

    The first nun said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I stole some food from a shop." The abbott was silent for a few seconds, and replied,
    "The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun starts to giggle, but the abbott ignores her.

    The second nun said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
    "What have you done?", asked the abbott.
    "I drove my sister's car and ran over a cat.", replied the nun. The abbott stood silent for a minute, and replied,
    "The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun is chuckling loudly now, and the abbott is visibly annoyed.

    The second nun confessed,"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I ran up and down high street naked last night" The abbott looked up at the ceiling for a full five minutes before replying,
    "The Lord forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." The fourth nun is bursting out with laughter now, and the abbott asks impatiently,
    "What is so funny?" The nun, barely able to control her laughter, replied
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    "I pissed in the holy water."
    Disgusting, but also funny.....
    Ja mata, TosaInu. You will forever be remembered.

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  14. #44
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Not so much a joke, but still very funny.

    Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

    1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

    2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

    3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

    4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

    5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    6. Don't let worry kill you off, let the Church help.

    7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

    10. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

    11. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    15. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

    17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

    18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm. Prayer and medication to follow.

    19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    20. This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

    22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

    23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

    24. The primary 7's will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

  15. #45
    Son of a Star Member Bar Kochba's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    a christian a muslim and a jew are on a plane
    the plane starts the to crash and there all nervous suddenly a angel appears to them and says
    "jump out of the plane and G-d will save you"
    the christian being very pious jumps out just before he hits the ground a hand comes out of nowhere and saves him
    the jew see this and says" if G-d can save this gentile surley he can save me" he jumps out of the plane and a hand comes out and grabs him just before he lands
    the muslim see this and thinks since both of the infidels were sasaved surley i will so he jumps out confidently he jumps out and crashes to the ground and dies
    the muslims goes up to heaven and asks G-d"how come your angel said you will save the christian and the jew why didnt you saved me ive lived a good life i havent done anything to bad"
    G-d answers"which angel told you point him out"
    the muslim looks and see the one"that one"
    G-d says"kahane one more time and your out
    "It is not so much that we need to be taken out of exile. It is that the exile must be taken out of us."- Lubavitcher Rebbe


    "Its a great mitzva to be happy always" Rebbe Nachman of Breslov

    We want moshiach now!!

  16. #46
    Oni Member Samurai Waki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
    Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
    The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
    "Sure will," replied the old-timer.
    The young man did as he was told, stood up whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
    "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
    "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
    "You bet it will," said the old-timer.
    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
    "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
    The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
    "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
    "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ***, and it won't hurt as much."

  17. #47
    Speaker of Truth Senior Member Moros's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Two dutch are driving a car. Suddenly they have to stop for a traffic light. They wait and talk about cheese. Then the passenger says:"it's green."
    and the driver replies:
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    It's a frog!

  18. #48
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends, Romans and
    Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

    The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

    Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some **** eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

    Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

    The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

    Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his ********, I'm off to
    France to check this out."

    Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

    Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those ******* out"

    The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

    Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

    The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing-








    ........Away Gauls count double in Europe."

    I'll get me coat....

    (Remember, zero tolerance for swearing - Beirut)

    EDIT: blanked out profanity.
    Last edited by InsaneApache; 04-07-2006 at 18:20.
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

  19. #49
    Son of a Star Member Bar Kochba's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    im going to hunt u down and assasinate you for that joke making me read all that arghhhhhhhhh
    "It is not so much that we need to be taken out of exile. It is that the exile must be taken out of us."- Lubavitcher Rebbe


    "Its a great mitzva to be happy always" Rebbe Nachman of Breslov

    We want moshiach now!!

  20. #50
    Senior member Senior Member Dutch_guy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    That wasn't funny IA, I expected better of you.

    I'm an athiest. I get offended everytime I see a cold, empty room. - MRD


  21. #51
    Nobody expects the Senior Member Lemur's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    So this guy walks into a bar ...

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    ...which is funny, 'cause you'd think he would have noticed it ...









    Go ahead, groan all you like. It's that sort of joke.

  22. #52
    Enlightened Despot Member Vladimir's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by InsaneApache
    ........Away Gauls count double in Europe."

    I'll get me coat....


    Reinvent the British and you get a global finance center, edible food and better service. Reinvent the French and you may just get more Germans.
    Quote Originally Posted by Evil_Maniac From Mars
    How do you motivate your employees? Waterboarding, of course.
    Ik hou van ferme grieten en dikke pinten
    Down with dried flowers!
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 



  23. #53
    Nec Pluribus Impar Member SwordsMaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lemur
    So this guy walks into a bar ...

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    ...which is funny, 'cause you'd think he would have noticed it ...









    Go ahead, groan all you like. It's that sort of joke.
    And here was me thinking the "Gauls" joke was terrible...
    Managing perceptions goes hand in hand with managing expectations - Masamune

    Pie is merely the power of the state intruding into the private lives of the working class. - Beirut

  24. #54
    Clan Clan InsaneApache's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Quote Originally Posted by SwordsMaster
    And here was me thinking the "Gauls" joke was terrible...
    Oh I can do better than that!!!!

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
    surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet
    pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
    chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
    and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck has passed away."
    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I
    "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you
    haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
    just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room,

    and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
    Retriever.

    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a
    few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the
    table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but
    as I said,this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
    duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal,
    hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to
    the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
    bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my
    duck is dead!!"

    The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word
    for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab
    Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

    It's ok I got me coat on and I'm already out of the door...
    There are times I wish they’d just ban everything- baccy and beer, burgers and bangers, and all the rest- once and for all. Instead, they creep forward one apparently tiny step at a time. It’s like being executed with a bacon slicer.

    “Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

    To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

    "The purpose of a university education for Left / Liberals is to attain all the politically correct attitudes towards minorties, and the financial means to live as far away from them as possible."

  25. #55
    Just another pixel Member Upxl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    It’s green, small, round and when you throw it against a wall the neighbours phone will ring?

    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 
    Pure coincidence
    Last edited by Upxl; 04-08-2006 at 18:17.
    I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

  26. #56
    Sovereign of Soy Member Lehesu's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Only Americans will get this one (I think)....What are you when you open a bag of Reese's Pieces and only eat the orange ones?



    Reesist!
    Innovative Soy Solutions (TM) for a dynamically changing business environment.

  27. #57
    Old Town Road Senior Member Strike For The South's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
    Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
    The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
    "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
    "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
    "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
    Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
    Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
    "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
    There, but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford

    My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning of wisdom.

    I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation.

  28. #58
    Old Town Road Senior Member Strike For The South's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

    A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
    There, but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford

    My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning of wisdom.

    I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation.

  29. #59
    Old Town Road Senior Member Strike For The South's Avatar
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
    A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
    The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''
    Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

    The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
    There, but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford

    My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning of wisdom.

    I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation.

  30. #60
    Old Town Road Senior Member Strike For The South's Avatar
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    Jul 2005
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    Default Re: Let's do some jokes.

    There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
    He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him "I've kidnapped you."
    The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."
    The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?!"
    There, but for the grace of God, goes John Bradford

    My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear is the beginning of wisdom.

    I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation.

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