Court of the Caliph: BC Hotseat Council Thread

[Askthepizzaguy]

A new Turkish ambassador storms into the court, with a transcript of everything that has transpired, his face red with annoyance.

ENOUGH! Enough of this nonsense. The Khwarezm have surrendered, and as you all agreed to, any armies moving west will be spared. The Khwarezm have interpreted that to mean that they can go after Samarkand, which would end up being part of Ghazni or Seljuk territory in the long run, so those armies were rightfully available to be captured.

As for any armies in compliance with the treaty, they should be spared. So long as the Khwarezmids make no aggressive movements and they begin expanding west over northernmost point, then their settlements will either be peacefully handed over or taken by force anyway. So from a neutral point of view, none of this bickering even matters.

1. Any Khwarezmid troops not in compliance with the treaty, and any settlements agreed to be turned over which are not handed over, will both be captured by force.

2. Any Khwarezmid forces in compliance will be left alone, and any Khwarezmid settlements you all agreed to spare will also be left alone.

3. The terms of surrender have been offered, and it's up to both sides to comply with the terms. If not, other nations will have a problem trusting you. Which is also fine... do as you like.

It's that simple. Stop squabbling and end this war how you see fit, but gentlemen, this childish bickering demeans us all.

With a curt bow to the Ghaznavid and Khwarezmid delegates, but an annoyed look on his face, the Turk sits down uncomfortably and scowls. He looks around the room for the Armenian delegate, but he cannot find one.

Probably off on the front lines.... Why am I even here? The Turk muttered.

[phonicsmonkey]

The Vizier stands, to the evident surprise of the Caliph.

Now, I know you told me you didn't want me to arrange anything, but...

The Caliph looks embarrassed.

The giant golden doors of the Court swing open and in come a group of ghulams in festive attire, bearing a large and opulently decorated cake, on top of which burn forty candles.

Next comes a troupe of jugglers, acrobats and musicians, creating quite a spectacle for the enjoyment of the bemused diplomats.

The cake is placed in front of the Caliph's throne, and the troupe of performers stop for a moment as the Vizier throws up his hands and declares:

Happy 40th birthday Caliph An-Nasir, Defender of the Faith, Peacemaker, descendent of the Prophet! Blessed be your reign and long may it last!

The ghulams:

Speech speech speech!

The Caliph stands, looking sheepish. He shakes his fist at the Vizier in mock anger.

You devil! Whose idea was this?

Well, yes, it is my birthday. Thank you for your good wishes. I hope that my next forty years are as good as my first forty..where's my son? Oh, away with the army..well, enjoy some cake everyone and let's get back to business.

He blows out the candles and cuts the cake.

[Askthepizzaguy]

With a scowl, the Turkish delegate palms himself a chunk of the cake and eats it without even a hint of a smile. A large glob of frosting is left in his mustache, but no one says anything.

[Banzai Kamikaze]

It seems there is no end to the flow of saliva jerking out of the Ayyubid's ambassador mouth. The cakes would fill his belly... Yes... He would be very happy indeed.

I...congratulate the Caliph for this most holy day. I... Do you mind if...

As more saliva falls on an unlucky Nubian slave, the Ambassador faints, surely overwhelmed. A witty slave runs for a cake, graps a large piece whose cream falls all over the ground and stuffs it in the titan's mouth. His eyes open to the suprise of many. There will be much rejoicing in the Ayyubid delegation.

[The Lemongate]

Without much pomp, a small Roman delegation enters the court. With somber elegance, the chief representative addresses the assembly:

The Levant is in chaos. The holy places of Christendom have been compromised by the reckless diplomacy of King Baldwin IV of Jerusalem and by the warmongering antics of his and various other nations.

Rome, could not stand idle and watch as the most sacred places of the world were left defenseless before the gaping maws of war.

Though it pains us to have to resort to such actions, we must inform the court that Rome has taken forceful measures to prevent that the Holy City of Jerusalem, where our Lord Jesus Christ took upon himself all the sins of Mankind, be despoiled by the ravages of war. Basileos Manuelos Megas Komnenos has lead his most experienced troops through a nearly bloodless march into the heart of the Levant. The garrisons of Tyre, Acre and Jerusalem were given a chance to surrender, which they refused. All captured soldiers were released after a few short battles and the cities and their inhabitants were left intact.

On this day, the Basileos of Rome, Shield of Christianity and Defender of the Church, fully assumes the mantle of Overlord of All Christendom and Protector of the Holy Places. Let any who dare profane the House of our Lord test his mettle against the mighty soldiers of the Empire.

Seeing how the Crusaders were unable to properly command the protection of the Holy Land, we intend to seize and hold all land surrounding the City of Heaven, from Oultrejourdain to Lebanon, from Jerusalem to Damascus. This area is now under protectorate from Rome. Any interference with our troops in that area will be considered an attack upon our sovereignty and upon the Holy Church of Konstantinopolis.

We assure every nation that all cities will be treated with as much consideration as Holy Jerusalem and would demand that such humanity be show by all belligerents in this senseless war.

Further, to prevent senseless bloodshed, we have sent envoys to King Baldwin, suggesting that he hand over his remaining settlements south of Lebanon to the care of the Basileos. We fully expect him to disagree, but given his present position, it his very unlikely that he will be able to oppose any serious force to Roman law and legions.

In the name of peace, we demand all nations to recognize the Roman protectorate as legitimate.

With a bow to the Caliph, the delegate sits at the Roman table.

[rossahh]

The ghost that floats amongst the chairs the delegation from Jerusalem once occupied, seethes with anger. Staring invisible daggers at the Romans, the ghost knows which bed chamber he'll be haunting tonight.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Sneaky Lemongate. Very, very sneaky.

[The Lemongate]

Suddenly a coterie of priest from Jerusalem enter the room to banish all ghosts in the name of the Pax Romana.

[Askthepizzaguy]

The Turkish delegate continues to scowl, but it seems as though a darkness has been lifted. He rises to speak:

The crimes of Rome in Armenia have been wiped clean. With their brave signing of the Peace Accords, and their even braver strike against the Catholic infidels who have disgraced the name of Christianity, I formally recognize their nation as a great and honourable one again, a defender of good nations, rather than the attacker thereof.

I have been granted permission by Kaikosru the Magnificent to formally call off the Jihad against Constantinople which had never been resolved, and now that Jerusalem has fallen, I hereby call off the Jihad against the Kingdom of Jerusalem itself as well, which had been called in secret.

We welcome Baldwin back into these chambers, because we are now in a position to bargain. Otherwise, let the Silver-faced One know that the Coalition is still at war with you, and is massing in the North. It seems a two-front war is coming.

Master Baldwin... you have fought gallantly. Now, it is finished. Surrender, and your lives will be spared.

Continue to wage this destructive conflict, and it is you who will be destroyed.

[rossahh]

Forced to depart, the ghost of Jerusalem deliberately glides through the lead Roman spokesman's body, causing the man to shiver violently

[The Lemongate]

Useless priests! Get me Ghostbusters on the phone right now!

[Askthepizzaguy]

The Turkish delegate does not know what a "phone" is, but is most intrigued to hear about this new Roman invention. How does it work?

[The Lemongate]

State secret! Now bugger off!

The Roman delegate then proceeds to carefully install his aluminum foil helmet on his head and wanders off talking to the "Ghostbusters".

[Askthepizzaguy]

Preliminary conditions of Jerusalem independence:

1. Disbanding of a large portion of Jerusalem's standing army, in peace. In exchange for this, The Coalition will back off from the Syrian invasion.

2. Armenia is to claim Antioch.

3. Rome is to claim Jerusalem, and the port of Jaffa.

4. Turkey is to claim Aleppo and Malatya (if Armenia would graciously cede this to us)

All other lands will be returned to Jerusalem, and in time, we may even be willing to cede these claimed territories back to you. But we need your peaceful cooperation.

(The entire west has a lot of rebuilding to do, and that involves a lot of disbanding)

5. Turkey in particular is hurting financially. I ask for a simple tribute of 500 florins per turn. For this, we would be willing to turn back the (5) stacks of troops we have amassed against you. They will never trouble you again.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

(Not that they have ever troubled you yet... lol)

We also ask that you declare neutrality in all foreign policy matters. For this, you will also gain our protection from invaders.

The more armies you are willing to disband, the shorter our occupation will be, because the fewer armies we will have to keep to check your power.

We need massive demilitarization in the West to sustain all our economies. If you agree to temporary occupation of your lands, minor tribute, and a demilitarization, I will run this by the allies and see what they think.

The objective was simply to win the war, not destroy Jerusalem. We think we can be partners someday, assuming you can be cooperative.

The Turks in particular believe that cooperation is superior to destruction... (looks to his Seljuk and Ghaznavid friends... oh, won't you spare the Shah? Can the Shah not also cooperate?)

When this is all over, any threat the Shah might have posed will be gone, Jerusalem will be reunited with their neighbors as a peaceful state, and the Ghorids... well... the Ghorids...

looks at the passed out ambassador on the floor, still reeking of rum and vomit, and cheap prostitutes...

I'm sorry, but the Ghorids must die. That's not even open for debate. I should note that these terms are Turkish terms, and not that of the Coalition, nor have they been approved by Rome. However, if something SIMILAR to this peace plan is worth your consideration, I will pass it along to the allies and see what they think.

If you feel the terms are too harsh, there can be trade-offs. Demilitarization and tribute for territory, and so forth. But the negotiation will still reflect a surrender on your part, so don't ask for too much. And we still have to occupy certain key provinces until we all can rebuild. This war has cost us all too much already.

Consider this carefully, sir. We are prepared to invade, and I have signed ever so many nations into the commitment to your demise that I feel, given even your formidible defenses, we can prevail.

It should be fun either way, but if the attack happens now, there will be no peace deal.

[The Lemongate]

The Roman delegate looks at the Turk with incredulity in his eyes.

Do not dare to speak for mighty Rome!

For one we consider our actions to be in the best interest of the people of the Levant. As for disbanding troops or even entrusting a weakened crusader army to take care of the holiest of cities is an absurdity. Jerusalem must be defended from all comers and by God it will!

[Askthepizzaguy]

The Turk reminds the Roman delegate that he specifically stated that he did not speak for Rome.

I was merely attempting to see what conditions this Baldwin might have agreed to... to find out what the price of peace would be. Next time we will run the ideas by your delegation, but I was trying to do this before the session closes this evening.

(OOC- it's 12:35 am where I am)

[The Lemongate]

OOC: Eastern time here as well! I lord over the mighty city of Montreal! Mwuahahahaha... eeeh, OOC, right

[Askthepizzaguy]

Quote: South Park


And where, pray tell us, is this... "Montreal"?



(he laughs, as if "Montreal" were as fictitious as "Candyland")

[The Lemongate]

OOC: Well there is one in Oultrejourdain...

[Askthepizzaguy]

Attention all Coalition members:

Sultan Kaikosru, Commander of Coalition Armed Forces, is up for re-election in the Coalition Council. Please attend the summit and nominate your choice to run against me.

I've already nominated someone besides myself, just so I won't run unopposed, who I think is a competent leader, and has much sway in the East.

-Sultan Kaikosru

[rossahh]

A young man, no more than a boy really, enters the chamber alone. He is tired and dirty from the long trip, but he hurriedly takes the former chair of Jerusalem and, after reading the Turkish demands, begins to speak.


My apologies, good sires. I am fresh from Antioch and Prince Guy has authorised me to speak on the Kingdom's behalf.

We disagree with, or at least wish to clarify, 4 of your stated demands for a number of reasons:


1. Disbanding of a large portion of Jerusalem's standing army, in peace. In exchange for this, The Coalition will back off from the Syrian invasion.

How much of the army would you want to see disbanded? What if the army was removed from all of the bordering territories?

As a sign of good faith, we shall disband a portion of the army.


2. Armenia is to claim Antioch.

We would only accept this if the city's position was compromised strategically, which it is not, or if the transfer was guaranteed to be done peacefully (ooc: in game diplomacy) as the people have suffered enough already.


3. Rome is to claim Jerusalem, and the port of Jaffa.

Rome has already forcefully claimed Jerusalem, so I assume you wish us not to retake our capital, which the Prince has assured me is quite possible. That we are willing to accept. However we do not accept the loss of Jaffa. Rome has already taken Acre, and surely that serves the same purpose? (deny us a port)


4. Turkey is to claim Aleppo and Malatya (if Armenia would graciously cede this to us)

Malatya means nothing for these talks. Aleppo has already been sacked once already by Armenia and is of little value now, so why do you want it?


You and Rome have left many unanswered questions.

What of our other settlements? If Jaffa, Antioch, Jerusalem and Aleppo are the only ones in question does that mean that the Kingdom retains all other settlements?

Nearly every province would share a border with a hostile nation - how can demilitarisation work?

How long a 500 florin tribute to the Sultan?

What of the other coalition members and their demands?

How long are the negotiations to take place (ooc: is it this turn and that's it, as that would mean that we have 24/48 hours to do this)?

What of Rome's demands and the fate of the other settlements they have captured?


These must be addressed before talks can go forward. You must decide on a collective set of terms before the discussions can truly begin in ernest.

[Askthepizzaguy]

Indeed, and the strike happened so quickly that I don't believe we have a full set of terms to give you, certainly with Rome disagreeing on some major points. Speaking PURELY as the Turkish delegate:


1. Basically, we seek to limit Jerusalem's armies to something less threatening to our neighbors. One stack of elite troops maximum, distributed however you see fit, and the rest of your forces as garrison (tier one troops only).

The forces you have now are provocative, and they drain your own coffers, as well as ours to mass forces capable of repelling them.

We either need to disband massively, or you do, or both. The entire list of Turkish-only demands is based upon sustaining Turkish defense forces, not even taking away key Jerusalem provinces. As I recall, Hama and Aleppo are nearly worthless, and given Jerusalem's finances after some trimming of your military should meet our tribute demands until we no longer require your indulgence.

2. I would like Armenia to have Antioch, but I am speaking purely as the Turkish delegate now. Armenia has no buildings or infrastructure, and they badly need income. Even a loan of Antioch to their cause would be wonderful. But since I'm not demanding Antioch and I'm speaking for myself, I leave that to you and him.

3. Jerusalem and Acre, and any other provinces, I wished to leave under Roman control. However, I don't speak for Rome, so you must deal with him.

(Gosh, this would be so much easier if the Coalition and it's allies had a peace agreement we all agreed on.)

4. Malatya we were publicly asking of Armenia, as well as Aleppo, if we managed to get Antioch for them. That's a seperate issue, and I'm dropping that as part of Turkish demands, as I'm only allowed to speak for myself.

Turkey seeks Hama and Aleppo, plus the 500 florins per turn/approx 20 turns tribute to turn back our forces. However, if cease-fire/peace is not achieved with Rome and Armenia, the assault goes as planned. We will not divide our forces, we will either stand together in battle or leave the field together.

There would seem to be no immediate danger for Jerusalem this turn, so negotiations can concievably take place all week. Don't worry about that. We have plenty of time.

[rossahh]

As you obviously planned this attack collectively, in order for there to be a true and lasting peace, you will need to present terms as a collective. It makes no sense to negotiate with one party while another contradicts the terms of that peace.

[Askthepizzaguy]

Indeed I agree. You sought a clarification of the terms I had proposed which are no longer valid, and I've given you that. But we do need to reach an accord with Rome... hopefully in the coming week there will be such an accord. I also agree that you cannot accept seperate and conflicting terms from everyone, I was merely stating what Turkey would be interested in, for your information and that of my allies.

Perhaps if the Roman delegate would be so kind as to inform us of what they demand? And also bring Armenia into this discussion. As for the Turkish delegate, it's 4:15 AM and quite past his bedtime.

[rossahh]

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

you can present your terms tomorrow my time, I've got plenty of time to sit on the save and see what moves I need to make for peace

[Askthepizzaguy]

I doubt if everyone will reach an agreement this turn, so make whatever moves you feel appropriate for the situation. Our main forces should still be way out of range anyway, so likely not much will change to affect any peace deal we could arrive at.

In the meantime, the war continues I suppose. And Homer go sleep now. Fo realz this time.

[rossahh]

Looking visibly surprised, the boy stands and unfurls a scroll fresh from the Prince.




Choking back on his words, the boy reads the message accompanying the scroll.

It seems the Prince has launched a special raid into Cilicia, killing the last Takavor himself. In the process, he has decided to sacrifice himself to the Turks.

Shaking his head I knew my Lord was courages, but this? This I did not know he had within him. He shall be long remembered for this sacrifice in the Kingdom. There's is no doubt about that.

[The Lemongate]

A look of utter glee appears on the Roman ambassador's features. He jolts up before the Latin "delegate" has even finished talking, clearly unable to hide his joy at the news:

Rome will not shed a tear for the Armenians. Cilicia is rightfully a Roman province. We have stated so for the last 5 years. Grand Duke Kontostephanos will immediately return with full legions to assert Roman authority.

[Ramses II CP]

On hearing the boy's words the emissary of the Rajputs looks up with disappointment and sadness in his eyes.

It is with deep regret that we greet this terrible news of the end of the Armenian people. Alas, it would seem that it is ever the fate of weaker people to become victims and subjects of the stronger. In truth I am often given to wondering if this is not a consequence of the odd way of making war practiced by those in the west; a war without the clear, simple massing of forces for a single decisive battle.

Glancing at the Ghorid diplomat the Rajput man shakes his head.

In any event we mourn the loss of the Armenian legacy. The Maharaja would like to offer to donate funds for the construction of a museum of Armenian history. Perhaps somewhere in Georgia or even on Roman lands.

May their god grant them a peaceful transition and a worthy place in the next life!

[Askthepizzaguy]

Armenia's death is but an omen for Jerusalem... may they die as quickly and painlessly.



Turkey now formally invites Rome into the Coalition of Freedom, given the destruction of one of our allies, with full membership and voting rights, as well as a seat at the table in our secret meetings. With allied approval, of course.

[Banzai Kamikaze]

The Ayyubid ambassador rises from his legendary chair, red with fury:

What is this ??? War ? War ? More war ?

The Levant did not need to be forced into surrender. Peace was possible...

Foolish... you are all foolish.

May Allah grant us mercy, for we all are unworthy of his magnificence.

The Ayyubids condemn the Roman occupation of the Holy Lands. We ask the Emperor to treat its people with justice and integrity, and protect both Christian AND Muslim Holy Sites.

The Ayyubids also condemn the Coalition of Freedom, for plotting the fall of Jerusalem with Constantinople, and for massing its troops near the Levant's borders.

Is this act of aggression a sign of things to come ? We will retain an amiable relationship with our Turkish, Omani and Seljuk brothers, for they are Muslims and blessed by Allah, but we firmly condemn the rats of Armenia and Georgia. News of the passing of the Takavor will not bring any tears from the Ayyubids. (OOC: it does bring tears but I'm too proud to admit it :) ).

Looking at the Georgians:

If your Jesus knows anything about integrity, honor and justice, he will smite your nation to the ground. Jerusalem and Armenia paid a heavy price for striking their own brothers. Cower in fear, for your Jesus and God will not come to help you, but to blow you into the wind.


Looking at the Assembly:

Ambassadors, we fear the recent events may pick up the interest of the Europeans, and the Pope.

You may have doomed us all...


Our Sultan is still unaware of these events, as he is still campaigning in Africa. Steady your feet, ambassadors, for our Sultan's anger will tremble the very ground upon which you walk.