Court of the Caliph: BC Hotseat Council Thread

[barcamartin]

A pro-longed war in Transaxonia is not our wish. Therefor, we took necessary measures to bring this conflict to an end. After seeing you Khawazi reluctant to surrender to our allies, we saw no other path.

[phonicsmonkey]

The Caliph has returned from a long absence inspecting his troops in the West and is surprised to hear from the Vizier that there has been little activity at Court in the meantime.

[Askthepizzaguy]

The Turk is handed a scroll, and he looks crestfallen at first. But then, anger begins to seethe througout his body.

He turns to the Roman ambassador with a scowl, then to the Latin one. Finally he looks at the Vizier, and sends his gaze to all in the assembly. Then the Crown Prince, Malik, barges into the hall and looks about a thousand times more pissed off than the Turkish delegate, and marches before the assembly and speaks.

Malik- "We knew of the Ghorid spy within our ranks, but still do not know who his collaborator was from within the Coalition. However, the Turkish nation has far too much immediately concerning it to focus on that.

Reports indicate that foreign agents have been infiltrating our nation at an astounding rate. This can only mean an invasion is imminent. Unrest in our former capital is at a whopping 35%, and similar rates are in other settlements. These are all on provinces bordering the Roman Empire and the Latin Kingdom of Damascus. This is not due to distance from capital penalties.

We also make note of their troop movements and spies which are not well hidden. The Caliph himself and his troops have been posturing near our border and the Georgian border. The evidence is everywhere. The fact is, at least one of the nations I mentioned is going to invade us. And since we are allied with two and allied in all but name with the other, this means one of you is a filthy, dirty, rat bastard traitor!

So, I am offering you, traitor, a chance to step forward and publicly declare to the world exactly what your intentions are towards our nation. I give you a choice;

You can withdraw your spies, your armies, and never trouble us again, and do it peacefully, and we shall.... forget... this ever happened.

The second choice is meeting me on the battlefield in a bloody duel to the death. There is no need to involve my citizens, or the collateral damage of war upon cities and infrastructure, in this coming contest. I will meet you, my best forces against your best forces, and we shall have ONE battle to decide this war. And I will destroy you.

That is, if your feeble attempts at stealth and cunning haven't proven you already to be a coward. Be a man, grow a set, and challenge me openly. I DARE YOU to make plain your intentions!"

The Turkish prince is growing more impatient, and his wrath is becomming less and less restrained. So far, none have admitted their treachery.




"I'm waiting!"


The Turk glares at the suspected traitor

".....You sicken me.

To have my nation conquered by bold, aggressive movements is one thing. To be defeated by proud, superior forces, to be forced to kneel before our new overlords, that is not something I like to contemplate, but being beaten on the battlefield by a master is the fate of most commanders. So it is something I can stomach.

What I cannot and will never accept is the destruction of the Turks at the hands of a spineless, gutless, weasel with no grapes."

"STAND UP AND FACE ME!!!" the Prince boomed.

[Ramses II CP]

The Rajput emissary, long silent, nods his head in time with the Turkish rant and speaks, quietly and to the point.

I once made a similar call when faced with similar treachery from the Ghorids, who repeatedly violated every agreement they signed, and it fell on deaf ears. I must now judge it to be the fate of the world to be ruled by cowards and sneaking rogues. I have one bit of advice. Bleed them when they come, make them pay lives for every inch, and before you fall kill so many that your name will echo down the halls of their nation, in whispered tales from cowering fathers to faithless sons, until the thousandth generation.

This is my quest. This is what has and shall come to pass in the east. I wish you good fortune with the same course in the west.

The emissary then presents a document to the court which dissolves the Rajput membership in the Coalition and breaks certain alliances which will soon be revealed.

[00jebus]

The khwarezm ambassador looks at the turks

Well, at least the turks have a warning that they will soon be betrayed, I would congradulate your sultans inteligence services for such a feat.

Though I doubt the blessed Calph would ever attack a fellow muslim without provocation.

the ambassador finishes, bowing to the calph

[Askthepizzaguy]

Malik, stunned by the utter lack of MANHOOD on the part of his traitorous enemy, scoffs and unsheaths his father's sword, still bloody, and storms off to war.

The Turkish ambassador looks furious, but tempers his words slightly

I am unsure about the Caliph. But intelligence reports have shown his provocative movements towards Georgia, crossing their borders and putting forts there.

This is not the movement of a friend.

I do not wish to dirty the Caliph's name with accusations of things he has not done, however. Only the Abassids can tarnish their own image. Until then, I must respect their track record of preaching and practicing peace, and standing up to abusive empires when all else has failed.

That being said...

The Turk trails off, allowing others to finish his thought.

[Banzai Kamikaze]

The increasingly large Ayyubid ambassador finally returns to the court, after a long leave to see his family. It is said that his wives are known for their talents in the kitchen.

Greetings, fellow ambassadors. I trust you have not been too bored by my absence.

Now, what do I hear ? Spies inside Turkish cities ? What is this madness. A traitor among the Turkish friends ? A possibility, perhaps. The Ayyubids remain confident in our brothers' ability to fight off such a treacherous foe.

Surely, the coalition of freedom will jump to the Turks' aid should they be attacked. Or are they only competent in launching their own offensives ?

I would like to remind this court that the Ayyubids still firmly condemn the Coalition's invasion of the Levant, and the current state of occupation by the Romans. While we will not condemn our brothers in faith, we despise the Georgians and the Rajputs. Surely they must have corrupted our brother's minds with their vile words.

Tell me Georgians, what do they say in your Bible about attacking your Christian brothers, and plotting against your sacred crusaders ?

Praise be to Allah, for he sees all, and does not count the Georgians and Rajputs among his children. His fury is infinite, but he will forgive if these people present official excuses to this court.

Salahuddin, may his name be remembered for eternity, has raised an army larger than the boundaries of the world. They say the earth shakes in the far orient whenever our armies march.

Romans, Kingdom of Damascus, Salahuddin keeps a close eye on you. Should you attempt any folly, you will be greeted by blood and sorrow. I say this because these two nations keep large armies among our borders, and refuse to disband them. We will not be caught by surprise.

The Ayyubids will pursue their conquest of Africa, but they keep an eye on their borders. May this be known to all.

[TheFlax]

The georgian delegate responds with a tired and bored expression on his face.

We have never attacked our Christian brothers, never struck against the crusaders in the Levant and finally, we have never even attacked any Muslim nation. Now, there was a short battle with the romans, but in a gesture of good faith, we have agreed to relinquish Trebizond back into their control.

Please refrain from any more outlandish accusation, your one-sided speeches contain so little truth in them, it is a wonder you can keep track of your lies. Perhaps that is because most of them are directed at my countrymen?

No one has cried out when your people attacked and decimated our Makurian brothers in faith, an attack which you never justified. Be careful when you take the moral high ground, ambassador, that you yourself have not committed the crime of which you accuse others, lest you be a hypocrite.

[Merlox]

The Roman Delegate is handed off a rather large scroll, He starts to read it and a frown growns on his face. Then stands up.

I am sorry to interrupt your argument, but I do have dire news to say. The New Emperor of The Roman Empire is now very ill with a sickness. He is now in the care of some of the Romans most leading doctors, trying to figure out this sickness. Though, every day. The Emperor Alexius' outcome is unknown sadly. All power has been transferred to an /Adopted/ son, the same age as him, Due to the fact that the next and LAST blood line to the emperor, Master Artemois Komnenus is only a child at age 7... So fourth, Prince Nevoulos has been given all power of the Emperor until Alexius' sickness becomes no more... If he does die from the sickness... Then he will become Emperor...

The Roman Delegate sits back down for a moment, obviously looking stressed at the current scroll, stands up again, Then continues.

This new message from the Prince Nevoulos is very different from what is going on. He demands to meet the King of Damascus' Diplomats, The Ayyubid Diplomat... and Directly to the Caliph Diplomats. He urges in this letter that it is thE most importance and must be done now.

The Roman Delegate sits for a moment and lays his forhead in his palm and is quiet for alittle.. Then the Roman Delegate stands up , lets out a sigh and mutters

I hope the Prince knows what he is doing...

[Banzai Kamikaze]

Bah, more babbling from the Georgians. Is denial a quality preached by the Bible ? Surely you are an accomplice in the Coalition's plotting against your Christian brothers. To pretend innocence, and to brush away your treacherous assault of the Romans is an insult to your Jesus.

The Roman delegate speaks. The large Ayyubid ambassador listens carefully.

It is with great pleasure that the Ayyubids accept to listen to the Romans.

[TheFlax]

Bah? Is that all you have to say for yourself? You dismiss our words as "babbling" and yet we are supposed to take what you say seriously?

Surely we are an accomplice? Do you have anything to back up that fraudulent claim? We don't pretend innocence, we state the truth. The truth is, the Romans hold no grudge over what has happened and we have offered suitable reparations. Can you say the same of the Makurians? Oh, right... You destroyed their kingdom for absolutely no reason...

Dear ambassador, please stop being an intolerant hypocrite and take care of your own regional problems before criticizing Georgian foreign policy.

[Merlox]

The Roman Delegate looks to be angry at hearing them both and stands up angrily

Georgian Diplomat. I keep hearing of my settlement to be returned, as you are using it as an excuse to be right in this bickering arguement, But I have still yet to recieve the Proposal of my settlement being RETURNED!

The Roman Delegate slams his fist on the table.

[TheFlax]

The Georgian keeps his bored look.

We did indeed offer back the settlement of Trebizond, as we had discussed with your leader, but when our princess arrived at Constantinople with the offer itself, we never received an answer. Perhaps there was some confusion back in your capital? If you wish to renegotiate our proposal, I suggest you do so in private instead of making a fuss in this council.

OOC: Offered it when Lemon was playing, in exchange for Alliance, Trade Rights and Military Access. He never accepted, because he just vanished. Now, if you want a continuation of that deal, do say so and I'll repeat the offer. Also, notice that since you joined as the ERE, Georgia has have yet to play, hence I never could have sent you an offer in game. Also, it is quite clear the Ayyubids are total hypocrites and Banzai just wants to harass me for his personal pleasure, as always.

[Merlox]

The Roman Delegate sighs.

Fine fine, I promise you there will be a reply this time...

The Roman Delegate sits there and mumbles quietly

ooc: Well, geeze, you coulda offered it again last turn. =x lol

[phonicsmonkey]

The Caliph is absent. The Vizier rises and, with a deliberate action, unfurls a parchment scroll and begins to read. It is clear from the way he reads that he is very familiar with the contents of the missive, which must have been prepared some time earlier.

The Caliph would take this opportunity to respond to the earlier accusations of the Turkish Sultan: the armies of the Caliphate will not march on Turkey, and will not raise arms against their brothers of the faith.

However, the Caliph is aware that other powers have this season begun an invasion of the Turkish homelands in Anatolia with the aim of the destruction of the Sultan's regime there.

Although this saddens the Caliph greatly, he has come to believe that the Turkish Sultan is not a force for peace in the region as he claims, but is instead the most dangerous man alive.

In fact the Caliph has been shown secret documents that prove that the Turkish Sultan means to plot with other powers to seize the lands of the Caliphate and overthrow the Caliph himself.

For this reason, the Caliph will not intervene to assist the Turkish Sultanate and save it from its sure destruction. The time has come for that.

In addition, the Caliph has this day received the agreement that the Kingdom of Georgia will leave the so-called 'Coalition of Freedom' and become a vassal state of the Caliphate, handing over certain territories in the process.

From this day forth the Georgian King will serve the Caliph, will make not war nor treaty without his permission, and he and his lands will enjoy the full protection of the armies of Islam as if he were himself one of the faithful.

Praise be to Allah! The Georgian King has shown much wisdom in this decision, which has saved his line from certain destruction, and his people from woeful suffering.

The Caliph warns the remaining members of the Turkish Coalition that they may not send armies across the lands of the Caliph (including the territory of the Georgian King) in aid of their erstwhile ally - this would be considered an act of war against the Caliph himself.

The Caliph encourages those remaining Coalition members to seek new alliances in the name of peace, and mourn not their ally. They have had a lucky escape - consider the fate of the Turk's first ally, the Takavor of Armenia!

All hail Caliph An-Nasir li-din Allah, Descendent of the Prophet, Defender of the Faith, Peacemaker and Prince of the Two Seas!

[00jebus]

I would warn the seljuk delegate that should the armies of the calph wish it, we will grant them a full list of measures which had slowed down your advance, and, if we would have had time to enract them should you have faught with honour, instead of resorting to suprise attacks and spies, then not a single inch of the shah's soil would have been lost to you.

[Banzai Kamikaze]

The limitless body of the Ayyubid ambassador rises from its chair. He claps at the annoucement of the Georgian's decision to leave the Coalition:

Praise be to Allah ! Praise be the Caliph !

The Georgians have reached the wisest decision. Know that Salahuddin will be greatly pleased by these news, and he will forgive your previous involvement with the dying Coalition. Who knows, friendship may arise between the Ayyubids and the Georgians.

Turkish brothers, we are sorry to inform you that we cannot involve ourselves in the upcoming Second Anatolian War. It is not Allah's wish that our soldiers fight the Crusaders. We believe it is Allah's will that the Coalition falls. Brothers, dismantle this Coalition which has brought misery to the Middle East, and negociate with the Crusaders. Kind Baldwin must be a reasonable man.

Seljuk brothers, we also urge you to abandon this Coalition.

Ambassadors, the time has come for us to work towards a lasting peace. Wars have brought miseries beyond imagination to all our peoples.

May Allah forgive us all.

[Merlox]

The Roman deletage sighs, and stands up so every one can hear at the table.

Attention All, News has come that Prince Nevolous, That the once great empire of Rome is now Financially Collapsed. The Great Depression of Constantinople is effecting the Roman's will to fight. Also, Will be disbanding most of the militaries stationed in Jerusalem. The Roman Armies will be disbanded from the Jerusalem Area. That being said, Rome will be giving back control to it's Former ruler, King Baldwin of Damascus. We are now prouncing that the King Baldwin's new and former title, King of Jerusalem.

The Debt being well around 4k addition every "turn". We have no choice but to stay Neutral in the war between the Turks and the Crusading states. He is now tasked to help remove the The Great Depression of Constantinople, If any nations are willing to help, We do not know how we will repay you, but, the Prince will be most kindly accepting...

The Roman Delegate would sit down.

[barcamartin]

' The Sultan has come to a peaceful arrangement with The Caliph. There is no need for further bloodshed at this time. It is sad that our Turkish brothers and Georgian friends suffer this fate, but we are unable to aid them at this time. I too should hail the wisdom of the Georgian King though. He clearly sees beyond honour and to the well-being of his people. That said, the mighty nation of The Great Seljuks leaves the Coalition of Freedom, before it drags us into further problems.

You have spoken widely of your greatness, Khawazi, but shown little of it. Sure, your warriors are struggling and resisting longer than the Sultan expected, but whatever you say about cowardly surprise attacks and unhonourable actions, the defense of your country was poorly handled. '

[00jebus]

Because we assumed we could trust you, because we assumed bygones were bygones, had we known you were unable of fighting with honour, we would have seen defense, and not expansion into rebel lands, as the prority.

[barcamartin]

' The inital attack startled you. But after that, there weren't many sign of resistance. '

[00jebus]

pehaps because you destroyed our army, if you truly wished for a challange, to display that your soldiers have some skill, then why did you not warn us first?

why did you see the need to send so many spies?
the fact that you had so many is proof of your dishonourable intent.

The fact that an entire army from Ghanzi was destroyed by a garrison force is display enough of khwarezm prowess to support our statements that, had you tried to attack a prepared shahdom, we would have shrugged it off like a fly attempting to kill an elephant.

[barcamartin]

' Well, no one can proove the other wrong at this point, so let's just drop it. '

That said, he frowns and mumbles with his aid.

[Askthepizzaguy]

Let it be known, treacherous Crusader dog, that your betrayal after we pleaded with your conquerors the Roman Empire to SPARE your pathetic mess of unwashed barbarians you call an "army" will not go unnoticed.

Particularly galling is this cowardly attack while our Sultan is on pilgrimage to Mecca and is unable to command his own forces.

But you have shown yourself at all times and for all history to remember you as the most two-faced, spineless coward. Your terrible leadership and your barbarous ways have gained you only shame and hatred from the world. You destroyed those who would be your friends, and soon Allah himself will judge you and send you to the flaming death you so richly deserve, you rotting corpse.

Less surprising is the so-called Caliph's decision to allow the conquest of Muslim lands by crusader forces. We knew what kind of man was he when he placed his villainous armies and forts inside Georgian lands, threatening an invasion, and the way he sold his mantle of peacemaker to steal land from Baldwin in a war he had no business being a part of, and I am ashamed to say my Sultan asked him to join.

Some doubletalker, he. Speaks of peace and Muslim brotherhood, but betrays those who had not betrayed him.

As for his accusations of secret documents, the record will show that in all communications about caliphate aggression, all plans were for the defense of Georgia.

Were his filthy armies not illegally posted in foreign, and Coalition territory, an act of war, NO DISCUSSION would have ever been made about his removal from power.

And so with the withdrawl of the Georgian King from political power, I am now surrounded by a den of cowards, liars, and traitors.

Enjoy your victories... for you've insulted the very Gods you proclaim to worship... the Crusaders with their betrayal of Christian brothers and allies alike, the murder of innocents, and the Pretender who sits atop a throne of lies, who allows his Muslim brothers to suffer a fate he himself deserves most.

When you meet your dying day, I am comforted by the fact that your freedom and reign of terror on this Earth will have come to an end, and that my great Sultan, and the armies of the Turkish Islamic Republic will all be greeted with the grace of Allah, and you will be cast into the everlasting and painful burning pit of hell where you will be forever tormented as punishment for your blasphemous and faithless deeds.

May the mighty wrath of Allah smite you, cursed rotting leper, the rat King Baldwin, and especially you, O most wretched one, Sultan of the Serpents, ruler of stolen riches, liar and traitor, betrayer of Allah, the most despised and weak-wristed Caliph.

May there one day be a mighty ruler of the Islamic Caliphate.... one with a spine perhaps!

The Turkish messenger leaves with an entourage of bodyguards and warns:

My Sultan, Kaikosru the Magnificent, will be leaving his throne to the rightful leader of this Islamic Republic, the Crown Prince. Apparently his religious pilgrimage to Mecca has changed him...

Sultan Malik will unleash the wrath of all Islam upon you traitorous pigs. He is not as kind and Merciful as the honoured and loved Kaikosru. When you beg his forgiveness, he will simply feed you your own wretched entrails and laugh at your painful, horrible deaths.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

PS-

I miss all you guys. Not having a computer really sucks phonicsmonkey balls. I hope to return to punish Rossahh for being the all-around nice guy that he is, and also give a big friendly hug to everyone else who has it coming.



I promise not to squeeze until your lil heads pop off and then launch them from the Sultan's trebuchet and make more splatters against the side of the Sultan's palace.

In all seriousness, I know you miss me as much as I miss all you guys. I feel the love. I feel the love.

Soon, I will return to unleash the kind of carnage only I am capable of. Just wait.... I'm planning to demonstrate how I play when I am not Blitzing for the crown.

Your humble Death God,
Jalal the Unstoppable, Caliph of the Holy Islamic Empire,
AKA Blitzy McBlitzmaster,

That Pizza Dude Guy Man, Esquire, III.

[phonicsmonkey]

(OOC: yay! ATPG is back!)

The Vizier stands and gazes at the Turk with a look of disdain.

The Caliph will not be drawn into a pointless debate with the Turkish Sultan - it is for the delegates of this Court to judge for themselves who of the Caliph or the Sultan has been consistent in their public and private messages, and who has been fickle.

[rossahh]

The pale-faced man chuckles to himself

Betrayal? We see this not as a betrayal, but rather a continuance of the previous conflict. We never considered the cease-fire to be permanent, but rather a stop-gap in which the fighting would die down but the conflict would continue. If you thought the alliance was binding then you are stupid, Turk. We know who our friends and allies are and you are not one of them.

No doubt you would try to highlight our duplicity as proof of our evilness, but we saw the cease-fire as meaningless resulting in no ceasation of hostilities at all, just as you did for the very first conflict between us. Do the shoe fit on the other foot, Turk?

Rome's attack has been rendered useless with the new Prince's transition to power. Likewise the Caliph's attack has been deflected diplomatically, leaving Jerusalem stronger than ever before, despite having "lost" the war. And so now the war is resumed. Pray that God gives you mercy, for you shall recieve none from us.

[Merlox]

The Roman Diplomat sighs.

Rome's Attack has not ben "Rendered useless", The prince has already seen a fruitless war with the Turks. Considering things over he has simply decided he wants nothing to do in this war Military wise. Though, I will defend my claims over my lands. It is very depressing to know that your lands are not bordering eachother, that for you have to march over my lands.., And their is an a Roman Army between your two borders, if any of the two looks at the lands, You will be met with firm resistance, and ofcourse, the Roman Empire will be forced to be envolved with this Military wise.. That is not what we want. So, I do, seeing under the odds are in greatly favor of the Crusading states.

Other than that... we must try to gain more lands from the north, to help stabilize our economy....
The Roman Diplomat looks FOR the georgian one.
I am sure that georgian kingdom is finalizing the control of our castle... correct?

[TheFlax]

There is no Georgian delegate present, the last one seemingly vanishing with the announcement from the Caliph's Vizier

[Askthepizzaguy]

The Caliph's palace guards are at their feet with an apparent conflict at the gates. Those in the Caliph's main audience chamber are immediately at attention. One guard moves out of the room to report back to the Vizier exactly what is going on.

....For several long and tense minutes, the sounds of swordfighting and death get louder and louder. The palace guards form a defensive perimeter around the Vizier himself, swords drawn.

The doors to the main audience chamber are thrown open as a dead palace guard is hurled like a wet bag of infidel's entrails to land awkwardly in the rows of delegates, blood pouring from the large wound in his neck where a normal man's head might have been.

An entourage of men dressed as peasants, servants, palace guards, merchants, diplomatic aides, and those bearing the Turkish Islamic Republic's Crescent arrive soaked with blood, axes raised and curved swords drawn.

Crown Prince Malik has arrived. The Vizier rises to speak, but for the moment is speechless. The Palace Guards look frightened but determined to defend him. Malik grins a terrible grin... the kind which could kill a small, impotent rodent like the one ruling the Ghorid Ferretate. The kind of grin which could make a coward's skin crawl, like the skin currently rotting off of the laughably pathetic Rat-Mistress Baldwin. The kind of grin which signifies the impending doom of the Most Hated One, the Jester of Jesters, The Fool of Fools, the Leader of Lechers, the Prince of Prostitutes, the King of Cowards, the Traitor of Islam, and the ally of Crusader Infidels, the Pretender who would be Caliph.

Oh how the narrator revels in the condemnation of his foes. And he has such delightful insults to unleash upon thee...

My, my my..... it seems the Great Leader of the Coalition, the honoured and respected Sultan Kaikosru, who led the Coalition and even the Mighty Caliph to victory over the hated Infidel Crusaders as punishment for the Armenian Genocide, has shown weakness by not DESTROYING the Latin leper and his unwashed band of plague-infested weakling murderer wannabes.

Malik laughs uproariously

Let it be known that Kaikosru was a fool. Oh, but what a genius that fool was... it seems that diplomacy has it's uses. I would never have suspected that his insane mission that he sent me on to meet with the leaders of the many distant kingdoms and sultanates of the world could have gained so much military might under one banner. It seems that the Turkish people were not the only ones who tire of Baldwin's occupation of Muslim Holy land, and that even his fellow Christians tire of the multitudinous atrocities committed against those who follow the Cross.

But I must claim credit even for that, for sending ME to meet with the leaders of the world was a wise decision. Although I disdain diplomatic matters... I see now their use, and I have shown the world my strength and the righteousness of the Turkish cause. Kaikosru's mistake, apparently, was not finishing the Latin dog when he had the chance. This is a mistake I will not repeat.

Sons of Islam, look now towards your traitor. This assembly hall, ostensibly for the purpose of establishing peaceful relations and resolving disputes with words, has been nothing more than a farce to distract you all from the "Caliph's" true intentions, which we all know now. Like the Ghorids before him, he is a traitor to Islam.

Oh, my Ayyubid friend, would you open your eyes and see this Caliph for what he is? You protested my friendship and allegiance to the Georgians, and my alliance with the Roman Empire, for these were not Muslim states! However, great Ayyubid man, whose billowing body so majestically takes up three rows of chairs, my alliances to the so-called infidels have allowed Islam to prosper. The Turkish state has remained Muslim, and the traitors of Islam, the Khwarezmids who feed lies to our friends and instigate wars between the faithful, are nearly at their dying breath. The Ghorids, who have betrayed all Islam and turned their back on the will of the people, and waged wars against Muslims and Hindus alike, are also fighting for their lives. Soon they will surrender and Islam will be pure once again.

But there remains a traitor to Islam. There he sits.

He who would not join the Coalition you despise in order to save the world from infidel aggressors, those very aggressors who could destroy the Ayyubid Sultanate, he who would not assist the Muslims in their quest to defend themselves from traitors in their midst, he who would only assist the Turks at great profit to himself, would turn his back not on the Turks... no... his betrayal is much greater...

He sides with the lowest of the low, the unwashed Franks. Those dogs from the far Western edge of the world. Those who are the masters of the sin of Crusading, who sent the most plague-infested of rats from their midst, clothed them in tattered rags sadly bearing their cross, and shipped them on rickety boats across the world to make war on those who had never once invaded them or declared war...

Those who had in fact attacked the very Sultanate of Salahuddin and his forefathers. These are enemies of every single Arab. These plague rats have taken hold of the Holy Land, places holy to Islam, to Christians and Judaens alike, and spread their rat droppings inside.

They, who after ridding the world of their fellow Christians, who assisted in the Crusades, the Armenians, who had betrayed their own religion and their own people in the murderous destruction of that state, now profess to be able to exterminate Muslims as well, as they turn their wrath towards my Sultanate. Should they succeed, what next?

HA!

Do you really think Baldwin's murderous armies will just sit in Jerusalem and twiddle their rotting thumbs?

I hope Salahuddin has prepared a mighty host of the greatest warriors of all Islam, for the traitors of Islam are helping these Crusaders claim Muslim land. Soon, it will be your lands which are the next to fall.

Sultan Kaikosru before me was most duplicitous.... he did indeed make many hollow promises alongside many promises that were fulfilled. It was through his secret communications with the leaders of foreign nations which have shown us all which are willing to sell out their own friends, and which are not.

The former leader of the Roman Empire, my ally, was most willing to sell his very soul to own your lands, Ayyubid. The Leper King Baldwin promised much assistance in taking your lands as well. And even the wise and magnanimous peacemaker Caliph... (at the utterance of this word, his disgust and sarcasm reach a high note)

Yes... the Caliph was willing to sell himself for Baldwin's lands. And now he's shown himself to desire Georgian lands. How you must chuckle at this. But first he makes war upon the infidel, now he sides with the Latin scum... count his bordering neighbors carefully, Ayyub.

With Armenia gone, and with the Turks gone, that just leaves you. As I mentioned before, rise a mighty horde of troops. This I advise with great knowledge and experience dealing with Baldwin. He can be crushed quickly, and he is quick to surrender as well. For he is a fool, whose testicles have rotted and fallen somewhere in the middle of your desert sands, long forgotten, shrivelled and never used, and not missed either, apparently!

Malik chuckles with glee

Now your honoured Caliph has sold himself as a prostitute to me, the Sultan of the Turks, for mere coin and lands, and attacked Baldwin. He has raised not one sword in the defense of ANY Muslim state, nor volunteered any gold in their defense. Not without great profit to himself at least. Does this prove him to be a wise businessman, or simply a traitor to Islam who values gold higher than Muslim lives?

I will not ask you to abandon this Caliph, for you seem to revere him so. But remember well his many lies crafted with his serpent tongue about peace through diplomacy. Now he simply seeks profit through betrayal and war.

Kaikosru, on the other hand, did indeed achieve peace through diplomacy, backed by the sword. The Caliph could not stop the Ghorid infestation, not through his feeble attempts at peace, it was the Coalition Kaikosru began which now battles these traitors to their cowardly end. It was not the Caliph who stopped the Georgian/Seljuk conflict, the Coalition alliance cemented their friendship. It was not the Caliph who stopped the Khwarezmids, it was the Coalition. It was not the Caliph who stopped Baldwin... for his assistance on the battlefield was at that time largely overkill. My armies vastly dwarfed his.

It was not the Caliph who stopped the fighting between the Turks and the Roman Empire. We forged a private peace between us, involving the destruction of Baldwin.

Looking towards the chair of the "Latin" "delegate"

And it was not the Caliph, oh leprous rat bastard King, who spared your miserable life, it was I who argued with the Roman Emperor to spare you, to use your armies. Yes, yes, you owe your despicable life to me. Because, really, we could have so easily forced you to disband, or so easily slain your miserable assemblage of hired peasants, at the stroke of a pen I could have signed your deaths into existence on a piece of parchment. But Kaikosru said no... he wanted to spare you... to convert you from your treacherous ways.

Witness now the awful price of mercy. When you save the snake from destruction, it bites you with poison fangs.

Had the old fool not disbanded good Turkish armies, we could easily brush aside this invasion by Baldwin. Now it will not even be a fair fight. So the legacy of Kaikosru is one of brilliancy.... and shame.

An aide brings a basket to Malik, who opens it, and tosses the severed head towards the Vizier.

Kaikosru's reign of misfortune is at an end. Those who are traitors to Islam will be dealt with similarly. I warn YOU Vizier, that your Caliph must make peace with the Coalition, lest he meet the same fate.

As for Baldwin, I intend to deny him his prize and piss him off....

like only ATPG can...

And laugh at his misfortune as I continue to undermine him. I will personally torment Baldwin until the merciful will of Allah allows the rotting flesh to finally die a most deserved death. I would punish him myself, were it merely a matter of besting him on the battlefield. But since the Roman emperor proved to be a traitor as well, it is not that simple. Fortunately Allah has smited that snake with a plague as well.

Oh merciful Allah has been kind to me...

The Roman Prince is a much wiser man, but I do not know yet if he is trustworthy. It is of little importance... The Turks must leave Anatolia, as their ancestors called no one place their home, so now we must take up the horses and resettle as well. This den of rats and snakes and cowards is no place for Muslims to call a proper home.

I call on the new leader of the Coalition to guide us on our journey. Great Seljuks, Wise Ghazni, Faithful Georgians, and er..... "Good Attendance Record" Omans.... and all my friends, wish the Turks well on their journey. Remember well what gold we have invested, and with our survival, that gold will continue to flow. See our journey is a safe one, and you will all be blessed by Allah.

For now, I implore you all to reject this... coward... as your Caliph. You need a wise man. A great man... one who will not turn his back on the faithful. One who will not trade loyalties in dark rooms for trinkets and arab lands. One who will not take these foreign harlots dressed as women into his bed to desecrate Allah.

Looking smugly at the Vizier

Did you seriously believe none would find out about you? We have infiltrated Baghdad for some time now. You aren't even an arab Muslim... you, Vizier, are actually one of Baldwin's harlot women. It is strange to see you in the clothes of an arab man for a change, for you are usually dressed in the tattered rags of a French woman. You're nothing more than the Pretender Caliph's fruitcake.

So has the Caliph betrayed his many wives, some of which are women, so has he betrayed Islam. Look now towards your weak-willed and limp wristed "divine servant" of Allah, who so frequently abandons the word of Muhammed, and so often betrays his fellow Muslims or simply does nothing to assist.

So look at this Vizier, for he is the future of Islam under the rule of this Caliph... a pretender Arab, a pretender Muslim, a pretender Man. Who is secretly Baldwin's slave girl.

May he rot to pieces.

Malik laughs maniacally as he and his blood soaked entourage notice that the Palace guards have brought reinforcements. They had been putting on the uniforms of the slain guards as Malik had been talking his ever-abundant words to the harlot Vizier, and now Malik and his loyal Muslim warriors exit the audience chamber in all directions, certain that their disguises, their diversionary tactics, and their seperate escape routes will ensure that at least some of these brave men will return to Turkish territory unharmed, the Caliph's security network put to shame, his best bodyguards slain, and his reputation forever destroyed.

When I return.... it will be a death sentence for you, Caliph....

And without further ado...

Spoiler Alert, click show to read: 

Cue the clown music.

[phonicsmonkey]

The Vizier chuckles.

It would appear that both insanity and verbosity run in the family line of the Turkish Sultans.

It is a shame the Crown Prince is so ill-informed...