Askthepizzaguy
03-12-2008, 20:22
Preface:
The honourable delegate from the Sultanate of Rum stands and sings the Caliph's praises.
Yes, let there be no more threats of war! In the name of Allah the Most Merciful and all that is Holy, we should set our differences aside.
The Sultanate of Rum is hereby prepared to mediate all our differences with the Eastern Romans. In fact, I have personally decided* to disband two great armies and send the foolish generals to drown in some nameless sea.
As for the rest of us, we are content to sit at home and practice our needlepoint. I've already quilted a great banner of peace, knitted the Romans some very nice little mittens to keep their hands warm while they slaughter us, and sewn together some very nice ladies' unmentionables to wear while I am out on the battlefield not killing things. We shall be known as a nation of arts and crafts, flag burning, and herb smoking. And furthermore, we have established many ineffectual left-wing reformist movements, such as the People's Front of Turkey, the Turkish People's Front, and the Popular Front of Turkey. I will personally see to it that all the evil weapons of the Turkish Sultanate will be thrown into a great big bonfire and we will all merrily sing
Kumbaya, my Allah, kumbaya
Kumbaya, my Allah, kumbaya
Kumbaya, my Allah, kumbaya
O Allah, kumbaya
______________________
Just then the honourable delegate's assistant drags him off of the floor, saying that the honourable delegate has just had a bit too much Rum.
The drunken rantings of the Sultan of Rum:
Even though alcohol is expressly forbidden in Islam, after my humble ambassador was poisoned by the treacherous Roman dogs he began acting rather strangely and quite amusingly. And so, for my own personal experience, I tested this forbidden spirit that the westerners so enjoy. What follows are the drunken ravings of a teetotaller on his very first bender:
7pm-
"I have recently negotiated with the Seljuk Turks about possibly dividing the lands between us, and they seem most interested in the deal. I have also contacted the Abbasid Caliphate regarding our mutual borders, and the Kingdom of Jerusalem as well. Since diplomacy is going quite well, I have decided to be more ambitious in my territorial claims.
I began conversations with the Mongolians regarding possible partitioning of Yakutsk. Although this is some several thousand miles away, we feel that the Turks may one day expand into the vast northern steppes, and so therefore we must begin peace negotiations with our future neighbors. I've also contacted the Scots regarding the status of Ireland, as we hope to one day make this a Turkish province. We are prepared to offer a lump sum of 12 shekkels and a piece of dryer lint, or 37 annual payments of hair from the Sultan's beard and nether regions dipped in candle wax to preserve thier illustrious beauty.
I've begun a space program with the hopes of launching Turks onto the face of the moon, that we might begin staking our claims there. Several ambassadors have been dispatched to negotiate with the Martians, however we have not perfected the technology required to launch them high enough, and the bloody splatters all over the Sultan's palace signify the failures of our current catapult technology. For some reason it is difficult to find volunteers to undertake this mission to talk with the Martian delegation. It might have been a good idea to outfit the ambassadors with some kind of cushioned helmet before propelling them into the air, but these are minor details only. The important thing is persistance."
8pm-
"I'm feeling disoriented, but for some reason I'm also very relaxed. My harem is becoming more attractive by the minute, even though it is difficult to tell who is really underneath the burkhas. At this point, I admit I might even be pleasantly surprised if I should find one of the palace guards posing as a female. What am I saying? I totally did not just say that. Enough of this nonsense... I need another drink.
I've begun plans for the invasion of Poland. As soon as I can locate Poland on a map, I will send my troops there immediately. This time, however, I plan to strap the troops onto the backs of their elephants, because few of the soldiers survived in their previous location of swinging from the elephant's mighty genitals. This seemed to spook the creatures. The elephants were pretty shaken up, too.
I've had a look at my empire's finances, and the treasury is almost bare from the recent expenditures; the space program, and the invasion of Poland with Ghazis swinging from elephant testicles... The window cleaners are also quite demanding with their budget, as they claim that Windex does not remove entrails and blood stains from the stone surface of palace walls. I say it's nothing a little elbow grease won't cure."
9pm-
"The window cleaners are most upset that I have ordered my guards to take sledgehammers to their elbows in order to extract the valuable grease. I'm starting to think they are nothing but a bunch of whiny, elbow-loving complainy-pants. Did you ever notice that sometimes there are little things floating around your head, and when you try to look at them, they keep moving just to the edge of your field of vision? I suspect these are ghosts of the dead threatening to raise a mighty army of souls against this great Sultanate. I have assembled the finest minds on all of Anatolia to combat these mischievious spirits."
10pm-
"The meeting with my council of advisers did not go as well as I would have liked. I was surprised by another floating spirit in the middle of the meeting, and took out my great sword and began slashing at it. Although I may have inadvertently killed all my advisers, I'd say the meeting was a success, as before they perished one of them said that I might have had something in my eye. I'm not sure what this means, because I tried to scare the spirits out of my eyes by rubbing salt into them, and now I'm having difficulty seeing. It also stings like bloody hell.
On a more positive note, I've managed to solve our budget crisis. Instead of paying the window cleaners, I have hired assassins to dispatch them. This plan is most ingenious. Surely this will resolve my money problems. Plus, once our catapult is complete, we will finally be able to mine for gold on the surface of the moon. I'm uncertain how we are going to ship it back, but as the old saying goes, we will cross that bridge before we build it.
I'm feeling a little dizzy and confused. Hopefully after smoking some hashish, I will be most lucid."
11pm-
"The assassins are back, and have joined me in smoking the hashish. They keep demanding payment for some sort of mission. I have no idea what they are talking about. Meanwhile, have you ever just like... looked at your feet? I mean... what are they for, anyway? I don't think anyone really knows... but I am sure they are planning something fiendish. I must remember to assemble my council of advisers to talk about this new threat."
12pm-
barely legible scribblings:
"I totally mest this babe down by the shisha bar. She's hawt. I'm planning on takings her back to my palace and then I'm totally gonna do it with her! But first, I gotta aks this very important question: WHO DRANK ALL THE RUM? I paid bigs money for that booze. Someone better fess up because I get drunk when I'm mad. You wounded like me when I was drink. Does anyone else here have a dungeon? I mean seriously, I'm the friggin Sultan of... of... something and I have a friggin actual dungeon I can torture people in. So... don't... anyone dare mesk with me. I'm totally dangerous and spooky. Wooo wooo... I'm a ghost man... omg that's so funny I sounded just like a ghost. What was I talking about again? And this time, DONT INTERRUPT ME WHEN YOU'RE TALKING! I can't stand that.
My hands are so colorful. Did you ever wonder where your hands came from?"
13pm-
"This sundial is totally tripping man. I brought it inside to see what time it was and it doesn't make any sense. Everytime I try to read it by candle, the time is like... jumping around all over the place. Especially when there is a draft. And by the way I just figured out how to make the day longer. It's so simple I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner... I just put a number 13 next to the 12 on the sundial. It's totally 13pm right now.
OMG I just hurled all over one of my slaves. That's the funniest s--- I've ever seen.
oOk I'm gonna do it with this babe from the shisha bar. Be back in five minutes."
9am-
"Ohhhh... Allah be merciful... where am I? My head hurts so much. I just ordered my slaves to fetch me a doctor. I woke up next to this large woman with a face that feels like sandpaper. I also noticed that I now have a tattoo on my chest that says "Property of Achmed Abdul Muhammed Mehmed Raul Hakeem Jaleel Rashim Ahmad Muhammad Jabar Tabriz al-Islam al-Musharraf dar Tabriz, the brutally well-endowed". I have no idea what that means. I've been told that the Seljuk turks are advancing on the capital. Why does it hurt to sit down? I need another drink..."
10am-
"I've been captured by the elbow-loving Seljuk Turks and placed in a dungeon with Achmed. Apparently we got married in a hotel and casino in Byzantium, although I cannot recall those events. Achmed looks a lot more menacing without all the makeup, and I fear he will harm me. Fortunately I still have a bit of a buzz going and I don't think the execution will be very painful. Perhaps Allah was wise to forbid the drinking of alcohol, as it has ruined both me and my entire Sultanate."
The lichen touches you! You kill the lichen. n - a tin. Open the tin? You succeed in opening the tin. This smells like newts. Eat it? Blecch! Rotten food! The room spins and goes dark. You regain consciousness. The straw golem attacks! You die...
You have been executed by the Seljuk Turks. Would you like to have your possessions identified? Y/N
_______________________
PS- I know that it's supposed to be 12am. But the man was drunk, so shaddup.
The honourable delegate from the Sultanate of Rum stands and sings the Caliph's praises.
Yes, let there be no more threats of war! In the name of Allah the Most Merciful and all that is Holy, we should set our differences aside.
The Sultanate of Rum is hereby prepared to mediate all our differences with the Eastern Romans. In fact, I have personally decided* to disband two great armies and send the foolish generals to drown in some nameless sea.
As for the rest of us, we are content to sit at home and practice our needlepoint. I've already quilted a great banner of peace, knitted the Romans some very nice little mittens to keep their hands warm while they slaughter us, and sewn together some very nice ladies' unmentionables to wear while I am out on the battlefield not killing things. We shall be known as a nation of arts and crafts, flag burning, and herb smoking. And furthermore, we have established many ineffectual left-wing reformist movements, such as the People's Front of Turkey, the Turkish People's Front, and the Popular Front of Turkey. I will personally see to it that all the evil weapons of the Turkish Sultanate will be thrown into a great big bonfire and we will all merrily sing
Kumbaya, my Allah, kumbaya
Kumbaya, my Allah, kumbaya
Kumbaya, my Allah, kumbaya
O Allah, kumbaya
______________________
Just then the honourable delegate's assistant drags him off of the floor, saying that the honourable delegate has just had a bit too much Rum.
The drunken rantings of the Sultan of Rum:
Even though alcohol is expressly forbidden in Islam, after my humble ambassador was poisoned by the treacherous Roman dogs he began acting rather strangely and quite amusingly. And so, for my own personal experience, I tested this forbidden spirit that the westerners so enjoy. What follows are the drunken ravings of a teetotaller on his very first bender:
7pm-
"I have recently negotiated with the Seljuk Turks about possibly dividing the lands between us, and they seem most interested in the deal. I have also contacted the Abbasid Caliphate regarding our mutual borders, and the Kingdom of Jerusalem as well. Since diplomacy is going quite well, I have decided to be more ambitious in my territorial claims.
I began conversations with the Mongolians regarding possible partitioning of Yakutsk. Although this is some several thousand miles away, we feel that the Turks may one day expand into the vast northern steppes, and so therefore we must begin peace negotiations with our future neighbors. I've also contacted the Scots regarding the status of Ireland, as we hope to one day make this a Turkish province. We are prepared to offer a lump sum of 12 shekkels and a piece of dryer lint, or 37 annual payments of hair from the Sultan's beard and nether regions dipped in candle wax to preserve thier illustrious beauty.
I've begun a space program with the hopes of launching Turks onto the face of the moon, that we might begin staking our claims there. Several ambassadors have been dispatched to negotiate with the Martians, however we have not perfected the technology required to launch them high enough, and the bloody splatters all over the Sultan's palace signify the failures of our current catapult technology. For some reason it is difficult to find volunteers to undertake this mission to talk with the Martian delegation. It might have been a good idea to outfit the ambassadors with some kind of cushioned helmet before propelling them into the air, but these are minor details only. The important thing is persistance."
8pm-
"I'm feeling disoriented, but for some reason I'm also very relaxed. My harem is becoming more attractive by the minute, even though it is difficult to tell who is really underneath the burkhas. At this point, I admit I might even be pleasantly surprised if I should find one of the palace guards posing as a female. What am I saying? I totally did not just say that. Enough of this nonsense... I need another drink.
I've begun plans for the invasion of Poland. As soon as I can locate Poland on a map, I will send my troops there immediately. This time, however, I plan to strap the troops onto the backs of their elephants, because few of the soldiers survived in their previous location of swinging from the elephant's mighty genitals. This seemed to spook the creatures. The elephants were pretty shaken up, too.
I've had a look at my empire's finances, and the treasury is almost bare from the recent expenditures; the space program, and the invasion of Poland with Ghazis swinging from elephant testicles... The window cleaners are also quite demanding with their budget, as they claim that Windex does not remove entrails and blood stains from the stone surface of palace walls. I say it's nothing a little elbow grease won't cure."
9pm-
"The window cleaners are most upset that I have ordered my guards to take sledgehammers to their elbows in order to extract the valuable grease. I'm starting to think they are nothing but a bunch of whiny, elbow-loving complainy-pants. Did you ever notice that sometimes there are little things floating around your head, and when you try to look at them, they keep moving just to the edge of your field of vision? I suspect these are ghosts of the dead threatening to raise a mighty army of souls against this great Sultanate. I have assembled the finest minds on all of Anatolia to combat these mischievious spirits."
10pm-
"The meeting with my council of advisers did not go as well as I would have liked. I was surprised by another floating spirit in the middle of the meeting, and took out my great sword and began slashing at it. Although I may have inadvertently killed all my advisers, I'd say the meeting was a success, as before they perished one of them said that I might have had something in my eye. I'm not sure what this means, because I tried to scare the spirits out of my eyes by rubbing salt into them, and now I'm having difficulty seeing. It also stings like bloody hell.
On a more positive note, I've managed to solve our budget crisis. Instead of paying the window cleaners, I have hired assassins to dispatch them. This plan is most ingenious. Surely this will resolve my money problems. Plus, once our catapult is complete, we will finally be able to mine for gold on the surface of the moon. I'm uncertain how we are going to ship it back, but as the old saying goes, we will cross that bridge before we build it.
I'm feeling a little dizzy and confused. Hopefully after smoking some hashish, I will be most lucid."
11pm-
"The assassins are back, and have joined me in smoking the hashish. They keep demanding payment for some sort of mission. I have no idea what they are talking about. Meanwhile, have you ever just like... looked at your feet? I mean... what are they for, anyway? I don't think anyone really knows... but I am sure they are planning something fiendish. I must remember to assemble my council of advisers to talk about this new threat."
12pm-
barely legible scribblings:
"I totally mest this babe down by the shisha bar. She's hawt. I'm planning on takings her back to my palace and then I'm totally gonna do it with her! But first, I gotta aks this very important question: WHO DRANK ALL THE RUM? I paid bigs money for that booze. Someone better fess up because I get drunk when I'm mad. You wounded like me when I was drink. Does anyone else here have a dungeon? I mean seriously, I'm the friggin Sultan of... of... something and I have a friggin actual dungeon I can torture people in. So... don't... anyone dare mesk with me. I'm totally dangerous and spooky. Wooo wooo... I'm a ghost man... omg that's so funny I sounded just like a ghost. What was I talking about again? And this time, DONT INTERRUPT ME WHEN YOU'RE TALKING! I can't stand that.
My hands are so colorful. Did you ever wonder where your hands came from?"
13pm-
"This sundial is totally tripping man. I brought it inside to see what time it was and it doesn't make any sense. Everytime I try to read it by candle, the time is like... jumping around all over the place. Especially when there is a draft. And by the way I just figured out how to make the day longer. It's so simple I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner... I just put a number 13 next to the 12 on the sundial. It's totally 13pm right now.
OMG I just hurled all over one of my slaves. That's the funniest s--- I've ever seen.
oOk I'm gonna do it with this babe from the shisha bar. Be back in five minutes."
9am-
"Ohhhh... Allah be merciful... where am I? My head hurts so much. I just ordered my slaves to fetch me a doctor. I woke up next to this large woman with a face that feels like sandpaper. I also noticed that I now have a tattoo on my chest that says "Property of Achmed Abdul Muhammed Mehmed Raul Hakeem Jaleel Rashim Ahmad Muhammad Jabar Tabriz al-Islam al-Musharraf dar Tabriz, the brutally well-endowed". I have no idea what that means. I've been told that the Seljuk turks are advancing on the capital. Why does it hurt to sit down? I need another drink..."
10am-
"I've been captured by the elbow-loving Seljuk Turks and placed in a dungeon with Achmed. Apparently we got married in a hotel and casino in Byzantium, although I cannot recall those events. Achmed looks a lot more menacing without all the makeup, and I fear he will harm me. Fortunately I still have a bit of a buzz going and I don't think the execution will be very painful. Perhaps Allah was wise to forbid the drinking of alcohol, as it has ruined both me and my entire Sultanate."
The lichen touches you! You kill the lichen. n - a tin. Open the tin? You succeed in opening the tin. This smells like newts. Eat it? Blecch! Rotten food! The room spins and goes dark. You regain consciousness. The straw golem attacks! You die...
You have been executed by the Seljuk Turks. Would you like to have your possessions identified? Y/N
_______________________
PS- I know that it's supposed to be 12am. But the man was drunk, so shaddup.