before I begin this (this is a preview), i'd like to thank the following:
1-god: who gave me the brainlessness to do this
2-the AAR wrters of EB (especially QK, and Hooahguy)
3-MAA, for his great city mod (can't play w/BI though)
4-lastly, Darth's formation mod, and the EB vendor for it.
this is not meant to be funny. it is deliberatly crappy..
anyways:
part one: the cast:-
well, here are the cast and crew of the AAR:
1-the senate(including its motto):
https://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii28/Ibrahim_059/thesenate.jpg
2-Lucius Cornelius Scipio
3-Scipio Asina
4-quintus Cornelius scipio (adopted son of Lucius cornelius scipio)
5-Rucus Hudsonius Limbagus-leader of the Optimates:
https://i260.photobucket.com/albums/ii28/Ibrahim_059/RucusLimbagus.jpg
6-lots o' extras...
chapter one is next...
anyone got advise on how to make a crappy, cynical and senseless AAR?
General Appo
06-02-2008, 19:18
Go traditional! Abandon Italy and wage small-scale warfare against Italian communites using only Triarii, Leves and Equites. Go Roma, you don´t need those Italian people anyway, good Romans will win the day!
Warning!! This is politically scurillous and abusive-so just chill, rest and relax, and if any poliicians in question ge his, just do one thing: LEARN!!:
Chapter1: The Unification of Italia:
It is 272 BC. Roma has been at war with Al-Epeiros for 9 years now. Their leader, Pyrrhos Ben Aiakides, has waged war on the Romani for his own glory, and to protect the poeple of Taras, who wanted his help. He has since killed many innocent roman soldiers, but not before we gave him a bloody nose.
Meanwhile, in the Senate room, the Senatores argue:
http://a268.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/38/l_cab5b1d02fd9486f9c29e733f39587c3.jpg
They have been debating how to deal with the Epeirotes of Tarentum for some time now. Problem is, they are hopelessly divided into 2 parties: the Populares (p from now on), who espouse tax cuts for the poor, big government, and a small, professional army, and the Optimates (O from now on), who want big tax cuts for the rich, a large army, and they want to slaughter and weed out non Romans. Either way, they're policies over the last 9-15 years have led to only on thing: trouble. Here is the division in the senate:
Consuls: 1 optimas, 1 popularis.
The Senate: 110 Optimates, 120 Populares, and 70 who have a brain and stay out of these parties. Most of the optimates are from Latium, Campania, and Samnium. Most of the Populares are from Aemilia, Latium too, as well as Clalabria (though Rhegium has revolted) and the remainder (non partisan) are from elswhere, and may be part of the representatives of the regions under P or O control. Anyways, they were arguing until this happened. Here is the transcript (from Canal C-spanix):
Consul Billus Jeffersonius Cunnotus(P, Aemilia):I say we must shrink the army to 1 legion, made up of leves and trairii, build a small navy, and invade Illyria, and propose that this be done in 2 years! *Populares applaude*
Consul Georgius Cornelius Busus(O, Latium): I object! I say swell The Army to 19 legions, build 3 oneraria fleets, invade Syria, and thus cut support from Pyrrhos!! and HUGE tax cuts!! *Optimates applaude*
Billus: What are you talking about? That is wrong! You are on too much marijuana!
Busus: And, you are a coward! All you say is invade Illyria!
Billus: And, you wish to have mistresses who, though ugly to others, are always lovely to you; though polluted in the sight of the world, are chaste in your sight—I mean, those harlots, The Rich!
* At this, Busus's nephew, one Ricardus Sempronius Chennus (O, Latium), attacks consul Billus with a gold headed cane; the results aren't pretty*:
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/31/Southern_Chivalry.jpg
this sparks a fight: O's vs. P's:
http://www.americanforeignrelations.com/images/enan_0001_0002_0_img0120.jpg
As they brawl, enter Manius Curius Dentatus (O (barely), Latium). He is dignified, retired, and actually has a brain:
Dentatus: What is going on here?! *sees many bloodied and mauled Senatores, and Billus lying on the ground, bleeding* My god!! What has happened?
Chennus: He has insulted my uncle's honor!! He dared propose invading Illyria, and mocked the invasion of Syria! He has also mocked his superiors!!
Dentatus: Enough! That doesn't give you the right to bash him..and the invasion of Illyria is folly, and that of Syria imppossible, and ludicrous. And, don't tell me you are all wanting tax cuts!
Busus: Yes, we are-for the rich all the way!
Dentatus: Wouldn't it be better to attack Tarentum instead?
Busus: Because ... Tarantum it's too close! You see, there's close... and then there's tooo close... and then, so, if we invade Tarantum, then it would be so close that the people of Rome....
Dentatus: People of Rome, what? Be interupted? You make no sense! Go seek help from a doctor, man!! *takes the senators out to the public plaza and mounts the rostrum*:
"Oh! Senatores. What are you all thinking?! Tax cuts and overly large armies are a baad combination! Here's what we need to do! We need,,, to keep the army the same size as it is! And, consentrate all our forces to attack Tarentum!! We must also raise out taxes and build economic infrastructures to develop Italia!! Oh!... and disband that Oneraria barge sitting there at Ostia !! We also..."
Senatores: "But, we MUST lower the taxes! We want to KEEP our jobs!!"
Dentatus: What are you afraid of? No one ever got into trouble for doing the right thing!! Just, tell the truth and ...
Senatores: But, we need to keep OUR jobs!!!
Dentatus: Doing the right thing never got me kicked out of office!
Senatores: But, manius, we must suck...
Dentatus: cunni matrum vos!!! do as I tell you, or the wrath of Juppiter Optimus Maximus will befall on you all! just send someone over to catch Tarentum!!
So they concentrated all the legions at Arpi, and Appointed Lucius Cornelius Scipio (O, Samnium) to command them. he was a decent commander, and would soon prove his metal in the next 2 years. He had the soldiers make rams and hired Cretans to shoot at the Epeirotes. he also recruited Samnite cannon fodd..I mean mercenaries for the upcoming assault. soon enough, in winter of 272BC, Scipio Attacked. As planned the Samniti led the way, surrounding and cutting down individual units stretched out too thin. the fight was short, sharp, and vicious, with great loss of life..at least to the Epeirotes, and the Samniti cannon fodder.. soon the city fell, and the inhabitants expelled. may atrocities were commited: animals thrown over the walls, women murdered, men raped, and the Children eaten..also, these images came back from the city:
http://a534.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/14/l_85525a011353b6f7469edb27acdc1f55.jpg
where the men slaughtered and then used the blood to write offensive graffiti, like Pyrrhus Futaterix, or mors ad pullos, and this:
http://a740.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/81/l_2c93767db37b1d8945cc9769421828cb.jpg
then, under the approval of Dentatus, the rebellion at Rhegium was crushed, and the rebels executed.
that was in the spring of 270BC.
the news of these twin victories was generally met with glee. that is with the exception of one Rucus Hudsonius Limbagus, a punster and notoriously hardcore Optimatus Orator from Campania. He had a reputation for distasteful, and very elitist, comments on all sorts of things. He had also earned lasting reputaion for lack of taste by mocking Appius Caecus's blindness, accusing the old senator of using his blindness to his advantage, to carry out liberalistic agendas; he was also a known supporter of the scurillous Anna Coultura, an Optimas Author from Latium, famed for frankly racist stements towards the Syrians. He was an avid, and very rabid, supporter of the Invasion of Syria, believing that it was the real key to victory over the Epeirotes. his latest announcement went out accordingly:
"this man (dentatus) is a liberalistic popularis, who is the biggest threat to modern Roma and of our traditions... he has stymied our plan to invade Syria, and instead urges the Senate to pick the lazy missions for our generals, ignoring the real threat, which is from Syria! by Juppiter, if manius Curius Dentatus were alive, he would shriek in horror at this liberal!! I believe that the Syrians are the real source of terrorism on Pyrrhos's part, and I agree with Anna's statement that all Syrians ought to be exterminated!!"
meanwhile the Roman Army returns from Rhegium, 30000 denarii richer, which promptly goes, as dentatus proposes, into building economically important structures, and a new military barracks. the army retrains, rests, then moves north to Bonnonia. The reason for this is simple: one Gnaeus Cornelius Blasio needed troops to crush the rebellion of the Picentes, and subdue Bonnonia, a celtic stronghold, and thorn on roma's side. accordingly, he laid siege to the city of bonnonia as soon as the army came along. unlike Scipio, he was far more cautios; experiance with gauls showed that assaulting a town with 120 Gaesatae is suicide. so he throw up woorks, does not make siege equipment, and sends a spy in to disrupt the city's supplies. within 5 turns, 33% of he enmy, under one Cadwalador, desert or die of disease or starvation. eventually, just as the supplies ran out, Cadwalador attacked. Blasio sent skirmishers to attack the enemy as they came out, and prepered the Hastati to battle. needless to say, many were killed at the gate, and even the first units to reach the roman line alive (some leuce epos) are quickly massacred. the gaesatae follow in, but after a short, but sharp atack, they are repelled. soon the enemy was routing, and as cadwalador rallied the men, he was jumped by the roman cavalry and killed:
http://a777.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/26/l_d6db8e96c36ebffca0453a8280aa6c08.jpg
http://a255.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/119/l_3c76711628c9947addbddc17c6ca25d6.jpg
http://a940.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/63/l_4b1ccf94c0d52ecce254d102658730d3.jpg
http://a514.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/30/l_c723df38a53f7aab1b04fc037e3e7631.jpg
http://a640.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/43/l_a0a2ea29966d79f877ed431217067ca7.jpg
http://a255.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/119/l_3c76711628c9947addbddc17c6ca25d6.jpg
the inhabitans were promptly expelled:
http://a757.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/55/l_8b0937327c6beb56921c47d55bcf9234.jpg
this caused even more excitement among the poeple of roma.. many cheered and huzzaed the latest heroes, L.C.Scipio, and Cn. C. Blasio. they also cheered the diplomat sent to the Aedui and Arverni, sice peace was struck with them that same year. however, Rucus was still not saisfied:
" Citizens of Roma! the Liberal forces have made peace with the enemy! they have denied us of a chance to kill unroman poeple! raise up against the oppressors! rise! ri..."
"SHUT UP AND CHEER!" cried a citizen. but that is not the last you'll hear of this man...
Nice. Though you totally stole my whole "rape the men, eat the children etc." thing. Thief!!
sorry. I have to confess, you gave me a lot of wierd ideas (the invasion of Illyria was based on your migration idea)..I don't know..as long as it was nice.:2thumbsup:
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