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View Full Version : My Holy War (Broken Crescent Mod)



Elochai
01-12-2009, 02:14
Prologue: The Beginning


The first time I held a sword was when I was eight, it was as tall as I was, so heavy I could not lift it. I had taken it from my fathers sheath while he lay passed out drunk, he used to be a good man, before my mother died, now he spent his time getting drunk and whoring. My father was a minor lord, a viscount to be exact, he had once been a successful one too, he had been known far and wide for his abilities on both the battle field and the political field. When my mother died giving birth to me though that had all changed, he no longer fought, we lived in a small house in the countryside while he had others run the nearby town.

Things changed significantly soon, my father seemed to decide that he had to take care of me and his people properly and so he made the arrangements, it was on my tenth birthday he decided this. My father moved us into a large and extravagant manor, I remember it well, it was stone on the outside with a small moat around it, it had a large field surrounding it with beautiful hills topped with flowers. My father hired servants, retainers and tutors and he even resumed the administration of the nearby town. For eight years I studied with books and ink, trained with sword and and lance and I also fell in love. I met a nearby lords daughter one day when I was out riding, and when I saw her I could not believe how beautiful she was, long blond hair falling in ringlets, perfect straight white teeth, smooth skin almost the color of ivory, a perfectly sized and proportioned pair of breasts and a silk dress that increased her beauty ten fold. I went up to her and stuttered out my a sentence.

"H-hello my lady, what is somebody of-of su-such exquisite beauty doing out in the fields all alone?" I scolded myself internally for making such an ignorant fool out of myself.
She turned and surveyed me with deep blue eyes that were bright and vibrant with life, "I got away from my guards to do some thinking my lord." she said simply
"Of what might I inquire?" I was glad that I was able to refrain from stuttering this time, maybe she wouldn't think I was the court fool if I kept at it.
"Of life my lord, I find it very interesting, don't you?" I nodded, blankly, all I could do was stare at this beautiful vision. She laughed at me then, it was the most beautiful laugh I had ever heard, I joined in when I realized what I had been doing. We became good friends after this.

I soon learned her name was Josephine, a beautiful name for a beautiful lady I suppose. I talked to her every day on my rides for weeks, we talked about the weather, the land, the sky, the animals, we talked of everything and nothing and I could not wait to see her each morning again. Finally after weeks of talking and the odd ride together I asked her if she would like to have dinner at my manor, she agreed and I immediately went home to make preparations. I warned the servants and retainers of her coming and they immediately began preparations, I then went to my father in his office and told him of her coming, he smiled at me the kind of smile somebody who has lost almost everything gives, nodded and said, "That is fine, but be sure to be courteous," I promised I would be and then excused myself. In my quarters I quickly got dressed up in a simple yet handsome outfit and then made my way down to the first floor, as I arrived in the entry there came the grinding noise of the portcullis being opened, I waited while it slowly drew open to reveal Josephine with two of her household guards as well as our own gate guard escorting her, as soon as she came in a came up to her and kissed her hand, I looked in her face and I saw she was blushing, from the heat coming off my cheeks I was quite sure I was as well. We ate and talked and listened to musicians play in the dining hall for nigh on four hours, finally only us two were left in the hall, she was sitting right next to me and I very much wanted to kiss her, but I did not, I still worried she might not want to kiss me. My worries proved false a minute later. She grabbed my head suddenly and turned me to her, she slowly approached my lips while I stayed still, completely stunned, I came back to my senses when her lips met mine, and soon we were both passionately kissing one another. An hour later I brought her back to the gate, where the guards escorted her home. It was the last time I'd see her for many months...

Elochai
01-12-2009, 02:42
Just a note, this was written pretty fast, I'll be editing it soon, also don't worry, this story will soon align with my in game campaign, I'm just having an intro here...
Input is not only accepted, but welcomed
Read if you wish. No flaming please, constructive criticism is fine though!:yes:

Monk
01-13-2009, 18:17
Welcome to the .org Elochai!

Make sure you're careful when posting as since you're still a Junior Member, you will be unable to edit your posts. If you post around the forums you should be promoted under a week, easily!

As for flaming, don't worry, that's not what we're about. Many patrons offer constructive help as they can, and feel free to do the same in return!

On your story: I though it was a good start, but you should be careful with first person perspective. It's not bad, but it's incredibly easy for that perspective to degernate into I,I,I,I,I,I ect. Which you do not want. To avoid that, details about and fleshing out the world around your main character can really help keep sentence structure varied and fresh. The last thing you want to do is start a series of sentences with I, as it can easily create a "lines on a highway" effect. :yes:

The Fuzz
01-30-2009, 00:06
Hope to see a continuation soon. :)

I of the Storm
02-02-2009, 14:41
Nice opening. Go on please...?

Elochai
02-15-2009, 02:32
So sorry guys, I had a bit of a crisis and got myself hospitalized I'm still not free to go though I do now have access to a computer, I do not have M2TW on it obviously, I hope to soon be able to start posting this up.

Regards,
Elochai

The Fuzz
02-16-2009, 15:55
Feel better mate, hope you make a speedy recovery.

bamff
02-24-2009, 05:46
Indeed. Fingers crossed for a speedy recovery Elochai!

Monk
02-24-2009, 16:56
Indeed. Fingers crossed for a speedy recovery Elochai!

This. Best wishes!