Sheogorath
01-12-2009, 05:19
This is a handy guide to the world of Total War, simplified for the hard of thinking in order to allow for easy mental processing. To start, a few simple terms:
Weather: A remarkably unrecorded historical phenomenon of the late Medieval era after the introduction of gunpowder. Prior to the usage of gunpowder for military purposes, European weather was virtually always sunny, warm, and dry. However, sometime around the year 1300 early meteorologists noted that, whenever men with various forms of primitive firearms took to the field for the purpose of doing battle, a sudden storm would appear, if not right at the moment when the unit assembled, then shortly after the commencement of hostilities.
This would, naturally, immediately render every gunpowder weapon totally ineffective, much to the annoyance of the men who had spent long hours training and preparing for battle, as well as to the kings and generals who blew all their florins assembling a mighty, unstoppable, modern military force.
The medieval meteorologists came up with many names for this mysterious water from the sky, however, most generals called it by it's acronym, curious recorded in modern English, that being Really Annoying Incessant preipitatioN. Sadly, this has been forgotten over the years and the event is now simply known as 'rain'.
Storms: "A storm? So? They're in boats! They can deal with a little rain! ...OK, so they lost a few men. How many? ...HALF THE FLEET? FIVE THOUSAND MEN? TO RAIN!?"
Horses: In the ancient days of Rome and Alexander, horses were of a far tougher breed than the animals possessed today. Being possessed of sturdy hides, comparable to steel armor, these horses were known to be able to shatter phalanxes, annihilate spearmen and shoot fireballs from their nostrils when angered.
Recent archaeological discoveries in Greece have lead historians to debate as to whether or not Hercules and Achilles may have simply been men wearing horse-skin armor, as it seems the gradual weakening of our equine companions has accelerated over time. This weakening is perhaps most evident in the Medieval period, from which there are records in the Medieval period of charges by fully armored knights failing against town militia fresh from the training field, armed only with simple spears.
Elephants: In a fashion apparently inverse to that of the horses gradual decline, elephants grew to their mightiest form in the Medieval era, which would no doubt cause any Roman soldier from the Republican era to wet himself, curl into a tiny ball, and cry for his mother.
While far more common in the Roman era, it seems that what elephants lacked in numbers later, they made up for in strength. The Timurids, who brought elephants to Europe and the Near East shortly after the arrival of the Mongols, demonstrated their strength by mounting a variety of artillery, including cannons and rockets, on the backs of the amazingly obedient beasts, with devastating effects against fortifications and formations of soldiers.
It was not unknown for entire armies to be trampled by a single unit of elephants. With tusks of adamantium, hides of diamond and of high explosive, they would ravage the land. They would also shoot bees from their trunks and may have exploded on their death.
The rarely seen Quantum Elephant, known for its ability to cause entire towns to undergo Sudden Total Existence Failure by means of placing the elephant in a box, was eclipsed in fame by the renowned Timurid Panzerphants, which stormed through Europe, destroying entire nations. They were only stopped when Chuck Norris traveled back in time to roundhouse kick them all.
Muskets: Much like the horse, the musket became much weaker later in history. In the early days of musketry, any soldier could pick up a musket and blow the head off of a small rodent of your choice at 10,000 yards. Sadly, as time went on, the means of producing these legendary firearms was lost, and men were forced to employ less sophisticated devices. These were notoriously inaccurate and their reputation was passed to the medieval muskets as well.
Hairpins: The deadliest weapon in the world. Fear them. :hairpin1:
Fire: Tragically, up until the late 1500's, soldiers would bath in a combination of pitch, pig fat and olive oil prior to all battles. The pitch both waterproofed the men and their clothes, the pig fat kept Muslim soldiers from touching them, and the olive oil gave their skin a healthy glow.
However, all of these combined in battle were a recipe for disaster.
Some ancient general, a clever but quite cruel fellow no doubt, came up with the idea of setting his arrows alight.
Naturally, with their pitch/fat/oil soaked clothes and skin, any soldier coming into contact with any sort of heat at all would immediately burst into flames and die horribly.
Muslim soldiers typically did not apply the pig fat to themselves, but were known to consume large amounts of coffee, which sometimes caused their heads to explode.
Trade: Lots and lots and lots of little covered wagons moving around. Shut up. It really happened that way. Do I have to get the hairpin?
Relatives: Mostly a bunch of slobbering, corrupt, madmen who couldn't tie their shoes (if shoelaces had been invented) or count above ten without taking their shoes off (which they then would not be able to get back on properly). Often the king would send the worst offenders off to die in battle and, hopefully win themselves some minor reward before being eaten by savages.
Relatives are also generally responsible for the creation of the art and science of genealogy, which, in the ancient and medieval periods, was known by its more literal name of 'Determining Whose Father Was a Bigger Murdering Bastard.'
Gentlemen: In the early-modern period, gentlemen were elite agents of the crown, capable of infiltrating enemy camps, walking directly to the generals tent and challenging the man to a duel. These feats of espionage were frequently the subject of much debate. Generally among the generals guards, who would shout at the man, "Why are you such an idiot? Just shoot the bugger!" However, honor bound even on the even of battle, all generals accepted these duels.
Also, this:
http://image.hazardstrip.com/ico/sprays/gentlemen.png
Spies: See above.
Sloops: Vessels designed to be crushed between two Ships of the Line. The resulting explosion will so impress the enemy fleet that they will flee outright. Vast amounts of money were expended in this fashion until the early 20th century when it was deemed more expedient to simply blow the ships up with explosives.
Ships of the Line: The elephants of the sea. Although less grey. And probably less prone to splattering when shot with cannons. Also somewhat larger.
In fact, they're not really like elephants at all.
Casualties: The most important part of any military conflict. Casualties are what you should seek. High body counts will impress your superiors, the people, and the nobility. You should attempt to maintain as high a casualty rate as possible.
Remember, it is an important bonus if the casualties are on the side of the enemy.
Republicans: A nuisance. While posing no real threat, they are a bit of an annoyance. It is generally suggested that the best way to deal with Republicans is to either set them on fire or mock them.
Note that these Republicans bear little to no relation to the United States political party, as they are far more French.
Bears: There probably wont be Bear Cavalry in ETW. While saddening and a GROSS misrepresentation of history, sometimes we must simply be satisfied with what we have. I, for one, will mourn the loss of Suvurov's First On Bears, though.
Weather: A remarkably unrecorded historical phenomenon of the late Medieval era after the introduction of gunpowder. Prior to the usage of gunpowder for military purposes, European weather was virtually always sunny, warm, and dry. However, sometime around the year 1300 early meteorologists noted that, whenever men with various forms of primitive firearms took to the field for the purpose of doing battle, a sudden storm would appear, if not right at the moment when the unit assembled, then shortly after the commencement of hostilities.
This would, naturally, immediately render every gunpowder weapon totally ineffective, much to the annoyance of the men who had spent long hours training and preparing for battle, as well as to the kings and generals who blew all their florins assembling a mighty, unstoppable, modern military force.
The medieval meteorologists came up with many names for this mysterious water from the sky, however, most generals called it by it's acronym, curious recorded in modern English, that being Really Annoying Incessant preipitatioN. Sadly, this has been forgotten over the years and the event is now simply known as 'rain'.
Storms: "A storm? So? They're in boats! They can deal with a little rain! ...OK, so they lost a few men. How many? ...HALF THE FLEET? FIVE THOUSAND MEN? TO RAIN!?"
Horses: In the ancient days of Rome and Alexander, horses were of a far tougher breed than the animals possessed today. Being possessed of sturdy hides, comparable to steel armor, these horses were known to be able to shatter phalanxes, annihilate spearmen and shoot fireballs from their nostrils when angered.
Recent archaeological discoveries in Greece have lead historians to debate as to whether or not Hercules and Achilles may have simply been men wearing horse-skin armor, as it seems the gradual weakening of our equine companions has accelerated over time. This weakening is perhaps most evident in the Medieval period, from which there are records in the Medieval period of charges by fully armored knights failing against town militia fresh from the training field, armed only with simple spears.
Elephants: In a fashion apparently inverse to that of the horses gradual decline, elephants grew to their mightiest form in the Medieval era, which would no doubt cause any Roman soldier from the Republican era to wet himself, curl into a tiny ball, and cry for his mother.
While far more common in the Roman era, it seems that what elephants lacked in numbers later, they made up for in strength. The Timurids, who brought elephants to Europe and the Near East shortly after the arrival of the Mongols, demonstrated their strength by mounting a variety of artillery, including cannons and rockets, on the backs of the amazingly obedient beasts, with devastating effects against fortifications and formations of soldiers.
It was not unknown for entire armies to be trampled by a single unit of elephants. With tusks of adamantium, hides of diamond and of high explosive, they would ravage the land. They would also shoot bees from their trunks and may have exploded on their death.
The rarely seen Quantum Elephant, known for its ability to cause entire towns to undergo Sudden Total Existence Failure by means of placing the elephant in a box, was eclipsed in fame by the renowned Timurid Panzerphants, which stormed through Europe, destroying entire nations. They were only stopped when Chuck Norris traveled back in time to roundhouse kick them all.
Muskets: Much like the horse, the musket became much weaker later in history. In the early days of musketry, any soldier could pick up a musket and blow the head off of a small rodent of your choice at 10,000 yards. Sadly, as time went on, the means of producing these legendary firearms was lost, and men were forced to employ less sophisticated devices. These were notoriously inaccurate and their reputation was passed to the medieval muskets as well.
Hairpins: The deadliest weapon in the world. Fear them. :hairpin1:
Fire: Tragically, up until the late 1500's, soldiers would bath in a combination of pitch, pig fat and olive oil prior to all battles. The pitch both waterproofed the men and their clothes, the pig fat kept Muslim soldiers from touching them, and the olive oil gave their skin a healthy glow.
However, all of these combined in battle were a recipe for disaster.
Some ancient general, a clever but quite cruel fellow no doubt, came up with the idea of setting his arrows alight.
Naturally, with their pitch/fat/oil soaked clothes and skin, any soldier coming into contact with any sort of heat at all would immediately burst into flames and die horribly.
Muslim soldiers typically did not apply the pig fat to themselves, but were known to consume large amounts of coffee, which sometimes caused their heads to explode.
Trade: Lots and lots and lots of little covered wagons moving around. Shut up. It really happened that way. Do I have to get the hairpin?
Relatives: Mostly a bunch of slobbering, corrupt, madmen who couldn't tie their shoes (if shoelaces had been invented) or count above ten without taking their shoes off (which they then would not be able to get back on properly). Often the king would send the worst offenders off to die in battle and, hopefully win themselves some minor reward before being eaten by savages.
Relatives are also generally responsible for the creation of the art and science of genealogy, which, in the ancient and medieval periods, was known by its more literal name of 'Determining Whose Father Was a Bigger Murdering Bastard.'
Gentlemen: In the early-modern period, gentlemen were elite agents of the crown, capable of infiltrating enemy camps, walking directly to the generals tent and challenging the man to a duel. These feats of espionage were frequently the subject of much debate. Generally among the generals guards, who would shout at the man, "Why are you such an idiot? Just shoot the bugger!" However, honor bound even on the even of battle, all generals accepted these duels.
Also, this:
http://image.hazardstrip.com/ico/sprays/gentlemen.png
Spies: See above.
Sloops: Vessels designed to be crushed between two Ships of the Line. The resulting explosion will so impress the enemy fleet that they will flee outright. Vast amounts of money were expended in this fashion until the early 20th century when it was deemed more expedient to simply blow the ships up with explosives.
Ships of the Line: The elephants of the sea. Although less grey. And probably less prone to splattering when shot with cannons. Also somewhat larger.
In fact, they're not really like elephants at all.
Casualties: The most important part of any military conflict. Casualties are what you should seek. High body counts will impress your superiors, the people, and the nobility. You should attempt to maintain as high a casualty rate as possible.
Remember, it is an important bonus if the casualties are on the side of the enemy.
Republicans: A nuisance. While posing no real threat, they are a bit of an annoyance. It is generally suggested that the best way to deal with Republicans is to either set them on fire or mock them.
Note that these Republicans bear little to no relation to the United States political party, as they are far more French.
Bears: There probably wont be Bear Cavalry in ETW. While saddening and a GROSS misrepresentation of history, sometimes we must simply be satisfied with what we have. I, for one, will mourn the loss of Suvurov's First On Bears, though.