View Full Version : Scenes We'd Like To See
So I thought I'd set up a little comedy thread based upon Mock The Week's "Scenes We'd Like To See (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BX7zpIz4sb0)", whereby the contestants say something that adheres to the topic at hand and makes the audience laugh. Good examples from the link would include:
Commercials That Never Made It To Air
"Lidl's own brand shampoo... because you're worthless"
"Poor? Too lazy to cook? That's why mum's go to Iceland"
Simply post one of your own and then the next poster can do so and so on. I'll be the host and will judge which ones I find funniest, and I'll keep the topic rotated every few days to keep it fresh; try not to simply quote ones from the shows if possible, I just wanna see how funny y'all are, not how well you watch something! :P
Anyways, the first topic is:
Unlikely things to hear at an election speech
johnhughthom
03-17-2010, 01:39
I'll get us started with something lame, it can only get funnier from here:
"I would have done exactly the same thing in my opponents shoes"
Unlike my rival politicians, I am not a slave to the autocue smile wave applause applause
Centurion1
03-17-2010, 01:52
"im going to tell the truth"
We've already had that one! :P
Keep 'em coming though!
Centurion1
03-17-2010, 02:01
"i did not snort"
a classic with a twist.
"i did not have sexual relations with that man"
A Very Super Market
03-17-2010, 02:07
If our nation were to experience that situation under my leadership, I assure you, we would taken the matter diplomactically and those halibut would have been left unharmed.
It is a great honour to be elected for another term, in the free, open, democratic, uncontested elections of Venezuela.
johnhughthom
03-17-2010, 02:20
Losing candidate:
Ha ha ha! I win, I was mafia and you voted for everybody but me!!
A few funny ones from MTW for inspiration:
"Knife crime must end! Last night I was given a steak knife when I clearly ordered the fish!"
"If elected, living standards will go up... for me and my wife!"
"I know nothing about politics... but I can crush a ripe pear between my buttocks."
johnhughthom
03-17-2010, 02:24
I thought you meant they were from Medieval Total War! I was like "I don't remember that...":dizzy2:
I am the black, female, muslim, homosexual, scientist, part-time abortionist. communist, republican candidate, please vote for me to contest in the 2012 Presidential election.
johnhughthom
03-17-2010, 02:26
"I stand for the compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast, free corsets for the under-fives, and the abolition of slavery"
"I stand for the compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast, free corsets for the under-fives, and the abolition of slavery"
Ahahahaha, toodle-pip, ol' bean!
Centurion1
03-17-2010, 02:36
I shower with my panties on
I shower with my panties on
I think you should have saved that for the "Things you might hear Centurion1 say" topic.
Hehe, just kidding, good contribution! :P
Please Join Me at the State of the White Nation Conference to Push the White Agenda
[Credit goes to Panzer]
Centurion1
03-17-2010, 02:43
I think you should have saved that for the "Things you might hear Centurion1 say" topic.
Hehe, just kidding, good contribution! :P
Oh you dont have access to the backroom do you?????? Its a thread title. and no i am aaparently in the minority of teenage boys who do not wear their undies in the shower.
Edit: See beskie gets it.
This is going to be difficult and cost money, but it needs doing anyway.
Oh you dont have access to the backroom do you?
Nope, I don't, not sure what I could contribute to serious discussions in there. :3
This is going to be difficult and cost money, but it needs doing anyway.
Ooooh, this is a good one! It's simple, to-the-point and you'd never hear a politician admit it! xD
Centurion1
03-17-2010, 02:49
Nope, I don't, not sure what I could contribute to serious discussions in there. :3
Oh its for realz backs there alright.
"Im proud to be an american Canadian"
johnhughthom
03-17-2010, 02:51
I will stop, I will stop at nothing
Say the right things
When electioneering
I trust I can rely on your votes
When I go forwards, you go backwards
And somewhere we will meet
I go forwards, you go backwards
And somewhere we will meet
A Very Super Market
03-17-2010, 02:54
YEEEEAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!
Gordon Brown: How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes, got no where to run, the night goes on, as I am fading away...
I would like to announce I AM THE ANTI-CHRIST MUAHAHA
InsaneApache
03-17-2010, 03:07
Free jelly babies for the over 60s.
Due to the increasing number of children afraid of needles, I propose the destruction of the tedious, scary and often painful process of school vaccinations.
Instead, I propose that highly trained nurses should be given free reign on the playground with specially modified tranquillizer rifles which apply vaccinations as well as a tranquillizer. This would have two main benefits: It would be less scary for the children as they will not know what hit them, also it will be more fun for the nurses
Due to the increasing number of children afraid of needles, I propose the destruction of the tedious, scary and often painful process of school vaccinations.
Instead, I propose that highly trained nurses should be given free reign on the playground with specially modified tranquillizer rifles which apply vaccinations as well as a tranquillizer. This would have two main benefits: It would be less scary for the children as they will not know what hit them, also it will be more fun for the nurses
It's long, but it's gooooooood! xD
johnhughthom
03-17-2010, 03:20
"I'm Commander Shepherd and I'm the best candidate on the citadel."
Centurion1
03-17-2010, 03:21
"I'm Commander Shepherd and I'm the best candidate on the citadel."
lolz
Everytime you vote for the opposition, God kills a kitten. Think of the kittens.
johnhughthom
03-17-2010, 03:32
Retort:
And every time you vote for him God kills a puppy. So, what do you like best, puppies or kittens?
Everytime you vote for the opposition, God kills a kitten. Think of the kittens.
Are you sure that hasn't been used already in real life? No candidate has ever crossed the dead kitten threshold?
johnhughthom
03-17-2010, 03:38
Are you sure that hasn't been used already in real life? No candidate has ever crossed the dead kitten threshold?
I think you're confusing that with the time the cleaning lady found some dead kittens under Nixon's bed. Watergate happened a few days later and it was forgotten about.
Hooahguy
03-17-2010, 05:10
its about time the public knows about Roswell.
-------
am i doing this right?
Gregoshi
03-17-2010, 05:37
We can start cleaning up crime in our district by sending me to Washington.
Sure you could vote for me, but your vote would be wasted - like I am right now. Anyone got some pork rinds?
pevergreen
03-17-2010, 08:36
[getting a wee bit too real-life political, and I don't feel like moving this thread to the Backroom, Lemur]
Looks like my human sacrifice at Bohemian Grove is starting to pay off now after all.
Dear citizins of this great nation, I can guarantee you all that I am up to no good.
A vote for me is a vote for taxes.
Ahahaha, some of these new ones are genius!
I'll change the topic later tonight, but keep them coming, they're great! :P
I urge you all to think of the children. We must fold them in the comfortable warmth of our embrace, we must strip them from these burdens, a loving family for all, that is the naked truth.
Crazed Rabbit
03-17-2010, 17:34
For once, we should consider not having all of our politics revolve around responding to cries of "think of the children!"
...
I must agree with my opponent that newspapers should not go mucking about in a candidate's private life to see if they once led the toilet cleaning rituals for a guacamole based cult in Mexico.
CR
Dear citizins of this great nation, I can guarantee you all that I am up to no good.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good :tongue:
Rhyfelwyr
03-17-2010, 17:37
If you want to avoid further expenses scandles by increasing politicians' wages, then vote for me!
Gregoshi
03-17-2010, 18:34
Lower your expectations then neither of us will be disappointed.
I want change, I am all dried up and can use every penny.
Gregoshi
03-17-2010, 20:15
I want change, I am all dried up and can use every penny.
Well that makes cents.
If you want to avoid further expenses scandles by increasing politicians' wages, then vote for me!
It's funny because it would be true.
***
Hooray for the Euro
We will have the best educated Americans in the world
w8
Well that makes cents.
Personally I think it's worth at least a dollar, you are my manager you know what to do.
Alrighty, I had a look over them and my three favourites, in no particular order, are:
Lemur: This is going to be difficult and cost money, but it needs doing anyway!
pevergreen: [Censored for referencing a living politician, sorry, Lemur]
johnhughthom: I stand for the compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast, free corsets for the under-fives, and the abolition of slavery
Our next topic is:
Unlikely things to hear in a soap opera
Philippus Flavius Homovallumus
03-18-2010, 00:46
Ahhh, I missed it by half an hour. I'm sorry but I have to write this:
"I believe our current anti-terror laws are more than adaquate for the threats we face."
Now, onto the new topic:
"Actually, instead of sleeping with you I'm going home to my wife and a nice cup of tea."
Rhyfelwyr
03-18-2010, 00:59
I'm Archie Mitchell, and I'm out for revenge.
*bows out in shame after knowing what's going on in Eastenders*
There's so many possibilities for this one! :P
gaelic cowboy
03-18-2010, 01:33
I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favourite soap on telly
I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favourite soap on telly
Oh come on!
You guys are gonna ruin the fun of that for me! I want relevant jokes. :P
Gregoshi
03-18-2010, 03:08
I love you Ethel.
There's so many possibilities for this one! :P
You've given an impossible topic, Secura. There is nothing that can't happen in the realm of soapies.
johnhughthom
03-18-2010, 03:42
"No strange man, I don't care if you have some obscure connection to some other person I barely know. You cannot move into my home."
Gregoshi
03-18-2010, 03:54
And they all lived happily ever after.
I'm not sleeping with your sister. No, really, I'm not.
The deep connection Einstein discovered between energy and mass is expressed in the equation E=mc² . Here E represents energy, m represents mass, and c² is a very large number, the square of the speed of light. Full confirmation was slow in coming. In Paris in 1933, Irène and Frédéric Joliot-Curie took a photograph showing the conversion of energy into mass. A quantum of light, invisible here, carries energy up from beneath. In the middle it changes into mass -- two freshly created particles which curve away from each other.
One I came up with off the top of my head:
"Mum, Dad... I'm celibate."
johnhughthom
03-18-2010, 15:15
"I know I'm a completely different actor, you have to pretend"
Gregoshi
03-18-2010, 17:38
:director:
Director to actor: "Jimmy baby, you are over-acting. We want this scene to look realistic."
Louis VI the Fat
03-18-2010, 20:08
'Man, my skin feels all leathery, I've been having such a rash from this product placement moisturizer'
~~o~~o~~<<oOo>>~~o~~o~~
Too ridiculous for such girlie nonsense as soap opera:
'I am your father.
And your teacher was my childhood buddy. And that girl you've been eyeing is your sister. You know - the one you kissed last episode. Oh, and she's really in love with your best friend. Who is currently involved with his pet bear. And these teddybears over here will kill us all'
Not so many contributions on this one, such a shame! My favourites were:
Gregoshi: I love you, Ethel.
Secura: Mum, Dad... I'm celibate.
Fragony: The End.
The Ethel was brilliant, if a little mean. I picked my own because it was a good one, short and to the point. And Fragony... if only we saw 'The End' more often in soaps, huh? xD
Anyways, our next topic is:
Rejected titles for a Hollywood blockbuster sequel
Gregoshi
03-19-2010, 04:45
Runaway Bride of Frankenstein
Another one from me to get those creative minds going:
Harry Potter and the Child Actors' Inevitable Downfall Into Drug Addiction and Alcoholism.
johnhughthom
03-19-2010, 05:13
Indiana Jones and the Retirement Home Scavenger Hunt.
The order of the purple Star
Beefy187
03-19-2010, 08:29
Jurassic Pub
Harry Putter, memoirs of a golf legend
johnhughthom
03-19-2010, 10:48
Beckham vs Einstein: Who really discovered Relativity?
David Attenborough presents: Sex and the City
InsaneApache
03-19-2010, 12:13
Terminator XIV The Care Home edition.
Jane Austen's Die Hard With a Vengeance
Aliens versus Predator: Sex and the City Edition
The Chronicles of Riddick: We Had This Money Sitting Around, So We Made Another One
Carry On Making Carry On Films
Gregoshi
03-19-2010, 15:10
Avatar II: McHale's Na'vi This time you'll laugh until you are blue in the face.
McHale's Na'vi
Wow, referencing a TV show that went of-air in the mid-sixties? You do realize all of the kids are going to look at you in complete and utter incomprehension, right?
Gregoshi
03-19-2010, 15:42
Consider it a history lesson. And it's not the first nor last time I'd be getting such a look. Guess I should work up one for the youngsters...I just typed "youngsters". That sound you hear is the first nail going into my coffin.
Carry On Making Carry On Films
This is actually genius.
Indiana Jones and the Retirement Home Scavenger Hunt.
This isn't far behind. :P
seireikhaan
03-19-2010, 19:14
Star Trek: Wrath of John Kruk
Gregoshi
03-19-2010, 21:46
FootLouis VI This dancer from Paris had nothing Toulouse.
Spaceballs 2 They always come in pairs.
gaelic cowboy
03-19-2010, 22:56
Manslaughter 2 You cant have it without Laughter Ha Ha
Louis VI the Fat
03-19-2010, 23:02
Hooah and the City.
Zorba the Greg.
Mary Shelley's Fragonystein.
~~o~~o~~<<oOo>>~~o~~o~~
FootLouis VI This dancer from Paris had nothing Toulouse.:jumping:
Avatar II: McHale's Na'vi This time you'll laugh until you are blue in the face.Lemur's right. The reference is completely lost on me. Who is Avatar?
gaelic cowboy
03-19-2010, 23:09
I Know what you did even before you did it Last Summer 12 Months The Return
Rhyfelwyr
03-19-2010, 23:22
The Madness of George IV
Came to mind, since I just heard today that in America, they had to change the name of 'The Madness of George III' to 'The Madness of King George', since the audience thought they had missed the first two productions. :laugh4:
Philippus Flavius Homovallumus
03-20-2010, 01:24
"Artistic and Well Plotted Movie"
"The Lord of the Rings: Aragorn Takes a Holiday"
Megas Methuselah
03-20-2010, 06:33
Came to mind, since I just heard today that in America, they had to change the name of 'The Madness of George III' to 'The Madness of King George', since the audience thought they had missed the first two productions. :laugh4:
:laugh4:
gaelic cowboy
03-20-2010, 16:30
Monkey Tennis Clyde the Grass Court Specialist
I'd forgotten about the thread, sorry guys! Anyway, my favourites from this round were:
Subotan: Carry On Making Carry On Films
Philipvs Vallindervs Calicvla: Artistic and Well Plotted Movie
johnhughthom: Indiana Jones and the Retirement Home Scavenger Hunt.
The next topic is:
Lines you'd never hear in a Bond film
The next topic is:
Lines you'd never hear in a Bond film
That's OK James, it happens to every man.
Gregoshi
03-21-2010, 06:02
Bond: And what is your name?
Super Hot Assistant to the Bad Guy: Smith. Susan Smith.
-----
Bond (to waiter): Whiskey. No glass, just give me the bottle.
-----
Villian: And now Mr. Bond, you die! <shoots and kills Bond>
-----
Q (after equipment briefing): Double OH, the car is insured, so don't worry about bringing it back in one piece.
gaelic cowboy
03-21-2010, 14:39
M (briefing Bond):We were going to send you off on a special mission but turns out this fellow Blofeld accidentally set of his doomsday weapon inside the secret hideout so the whole things off.
------------------------------------------------------------------
M(Briefing the entire oo branch):Someone knows who charged that ferarii to the ministry now tell me and I wont be cross I promise.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Bond hiding behind crates from sniper mobile goes off: A ring ding ding ding ding. A Ring Ding Ding Dingdemgdemg. A ring ding ding ding ding. Ring ding <two sniper shots ring out>
Galain_Ironhide
03-21-2010, 15:06
"James, I'm pregnant."
Gregoshi
03-21-2010, 15:32
"James, I'm pregnant."
...and it's not yours.
Good one Galain. :laugh4: Sorry for the tag-on.
Due to spending cuts in the Ministry of Defence, we've all had to sacrifices, Bond. From now on James, it's ASDA George Suits, Holiday Inns and Maccy D's. Oh, and here's the keys to your Volvo.
Gregoshi
03-21-2010, 19:36
Oh yeah, this Bond one is hysterical so far. Keep 'em coming. Volvo... :laugh4:
Crazed Rabbit
03-21-2010, 20:09
Well it looks like I have no gadget to handle this.
InsaneApache
03-21-2010, 20:14
I want my martini stirred, thankyou very much......
It's time you did some real spy work, James, so here are six hundred hours of surveillance videotape which you need to watch starting ... now.
Gert Fröbe: Mr Bond, but I think it is time for you to realise why I am called 'Gold Finger.
I'll have a beer, Schultenbrau please
Go away incredibly attractive woman, I'm not in the mood.
johnhughthom
03-22-2010, 13:28
"So Jaws, perhaps you could recommend me a good dentist?"
Galain_Ironhide
03-22-2010, 14:45
Gorgeous hot blonde - Whats the matter James? Why are you choking?!
James Bond - Damn it! I got my Arsenic pill mixed up with my viagra... cough, cough, gag..... dead.
Louis VI the Fat
03-22-2010, 15:42
Bond looks at camera: 'Looky, CIA - MI5 did manage to find the terrorists's secret underground lair...'
Gregoshi
03-24-2010, 15:09
Q: Double-Oh, M had me make this special chastity belt for you to wear on the mission. It seems he has been embarrassed once too often by your on-video, post mission, um, "debriefings" with the ladies in front of a long list of dignitaries...<muttering under his breath> though the Queen doesn't seem to mind, God save her.
Philippus Flavius Homovallumus
03-24-2010, 16:15
M: Bond, Moneypeny has filed a complaint against you for sexual harrassment. I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.
InsaneApache
03-24-2010, 21:36
Due to government cutbacks we've decided to charge VAT on your licence to kill. That'll be fifty quid please.
Gregoshi
03-29-2010, 00:31
Bond's companion looks at the demise of this thread:
Companion: Good heaven's Bond, what happened to it?
Bond: I'm afraid this thread has gone out of fashion.
Companion: James, that wasn't very witty.
Bond: It died at its post?
Companion: Really Double-Oh, have you run out of death quips?
Bond: Oooo! I know! It has gone out of style!
Companion: Back to the fashion theme? That's rather weak, isn't it?
Bond: Ummm, it got page two-ed.
Companion: But it didn't - did it James? You know, MI6 has a really nice retirement package...
Bond: Hmmm. Maybe I should consider Social Security.
Companion: Brilliant James! Good one!
Bond: ???...Yes, of - of course...it went on Social Secura-ty.
I'd forgotten about it, sorry! Been a little busy-busy.
I'm off to sleep now, but will pick a winner or two tomorrow and bring a new topic. :bow:
Gregoshi
03-29-2010, 03:05
That's quite alright. Sleep and busy are allowed. Real life must be tended to. I merely wanted to post a gentle reminder and ended up getting rather carried away.
BTW, I've noticed in the last couple of weeks that the Frontroom had been getting more patrons viewing it than the Backroom (a rare thing). I think threads like this one (and other, ahem, "manly" endevours) that are responsible. :thumbsup:
Alright, it's been a while but this topic is over. Alot of these were fantastic and it was really difficult to choose an outright winner, but here's my favourites:
Subotan: Due to spending cuts in the Ministry of Defence, we've all had to sacrifices, Bond. From now on James, it's ASDA George Suits, Holiday Inns and Maccy D's. Oh, and here's the keys to your Volvo.
Lemur: It's time you did some real spy work, James, so here are six hundred hours of surveillance videotape which you need to watch starting ... now.
Philipvs Vallindervs Calicvla: Bond, Moneypenny has filed a complaint against you for sexual harrassment... I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go.
The next topic is:
Commercials that never made it to air
Gregoshi
03-29-2010, 20:28
:2thumbsup: Good choices. Subotan's "...keys to your Volvo" still cracks me up.
Commercials...this might be a tough one.
Some from the show to get you guys started:
Masturbation... are YOU getting your five-a-day?
Do your knickers feel uncomfortable on? Try Bacardi Breezer!
This isn't just a gimp mask... this is an S&M gimp mask.
Gregoshi
03-29-2010, 20:59
So it is more like a product tag line. Good. I thought you were looking for mini-sketches but my mind could only work up tag lines.
This isn't just a gimp mask... this is an S&M gimp mask.[/CENTER]
I had to quote this one because it's both funny and I knew Beskar would probably use it! :P
So it is more like a product tag line. Good. I thought you were looking for mini-sketches but my mind could only work up tag lines.
Yup, that's basically it; just think of any commercial (British, American, Japanese or whatever) and come up with a commercial slogan that you wouldn't see on the television or in magazines.
Another example from the show is:
Poor and can't be bothered to cook? That's why mums go to Iceland.
Iceland being a British supermarket chain that sells cheap, low-quality food that's pretty much 'whack it in the microwave' in terms of cooking difficulty. The latter part "that's why mums go to Iceland" is actually the store's current slogan, which makes it even funnier.
:2thumbsup: Good choices. Subotan's "...keys to your Volvo" still cracks me up.
:bow:
Go from Nought to Sixty in only 5.8 seconds; even when you don't want to! - Toyota
Despite being a big oil company, we're unhappy about the way CO2 damages the atmosphere. We want to show a commitment to tackling climate change. However, that's really hard, and we're lazy. So instead, we're going to buy a windmill and fill this advert with pictures of flowers to show just how green we are - Shell et al.
Myrddraal
03-30-2010, 02:38
Go from Nought to Sixty in only 5.8 seconds; even when you don't want to! - Toyota
Classic! :laugh4:
Pepsi Cola - now with added fluorine - cleans your teeth as you drink!
Is your baby giving you restless nights? Try Gordon's Gin! (TM)
Our latest line of vaccuum-cleaners, they truly suck.
Gregoshi
03-30-2010, 17:25
Volvo: Best. Bond car. Ever!
Tyson processed foods: loaded with all the goodness your doctor warned you about.
Viagra: just because.
Natural Lite: When you need a beer really bad, we've got a really bad beer!
Gregoshi
03-30-2010, 20:59
:laugh4: Beer is a good commercial subject.
Budwieser: We can't honestly say it is good, so look at the pretty horsies!
When the mountains on the Coors can turn blue, you know the good beer in your fridge is the perfect temperature for drinking.
Myrddraal
03-31-2010, 00:53
Our latest line of vaccuum-cleaners, they truly suck.
Real.
https://img682.imageshack.us/img682/3783/nothingsuckslikeelectro.jpg
Natural Lite: When you need a beer really bad, we've got a really bad beer!
:laugh4: That get's my vote! :laugh4:
Askthepizzaguy
03-31-2010, 14:31
https://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb225/askthepizzaguy/larry_king.jpg
Hi, I'm Larry King for Inviso-garments.
When I'm not in my usual suspenders and tie, or walking down the aisle for the ninth time, I like to wear Inviso-garments. They are fun, fashionable, and freeing. No longer do you have to spend hours trying to find the right tie to match your ensemble. With Inviso-garments, everything is the same color, and always in style.
Working on that tan? Try Inviso-garments. The sun's rays naturally give your skin a healthy glow, but you don't even have to spend hours of your time and hundreds of dollars in a tanning salon.
Men, are you trying to get intimate with your lady friend, but find that cold air often causes shrinkage? With Inviso-garments, you can show off your manly figure without unsightly shriveling.
Here's a tip for new parents and caretakers of the elderly: If you're not sure if that diaper needs changing, try Inviso-dependables. I'm wearing one right now! When the body does its business, you can see it in all its natural glory. When is it time for a change? As you can quite clearly see, there's no time like the present.
Exotic dancers, do you want to bare it all, but still feel comfortably supported? Try Inviso-brassiere, for the well-endowed woman. Now you can swing upside-down while baring it all and still feel snug and secure.
And for all you aspiring Emperors out there, we have quite a selection of the finest Inviso-silk. Feels like there nothing's there, or your money back.
Inviso-garments. Now in "Extra Wide". Call our toll-free number, operators are standing by.
:laugh4: Beer is a good commercial subject.
But they are good at it as well, translation isn't needed https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1ZZreXEqSY
Gregoshi
03-31-2010, 16:20
...Call our toll-free number, operators are standing by.
You forgot to give the number! :laugh4:
Askthepizzaguy
03-31-2010, 17:19
1-800-SEE-THRU
(I have a rather extensive collection of three and four letter words that could fit here, but I don't want to go there. Let's just say some of them are "fat" "nude" and "wang")
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