Casey the Casse: a (humorous) Casse AAR

[Hooahguy]

Author’s foreword- after many months away from EB, I have decided to come back, and of course, do another AAR. For those who read my last AAR, with the Getai, know that I like to put a humorous twist in my tales. Of course, not all of it is funny, for my humor is quite selective, and, I will admit, not always funny to the average reader. For this AAR, I tried to implement many aspects of British life like teatime and crumpets and other stereotypes, but none of my jokes are meant to offend. So in advance, I'm sorry if I offend any of my British friends. And because this isn’t a serious AAR, I did use the add money cheat. Sorry, for those who take offense.
In addition, in my last AAR, there was an excessive amount of forced humor, much of it not funny at all. Hell, I don’t even know if this AAR is funny for you, or if it will be a big, bloody flop. so this time not every picture will have a "joke" in it, in order to get better jokes in the mix. Well, I hope you enjoy this AAR, and comments are always encouraged!
(If you have ideas for jokes PM them to me, ill be glad to take them, I know nil about British culture save from what I learn from the Monty Python movies.)
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Chapter 1- the start of an adventure
Hello, my name is Casey. Casey the Casse, as my friends call me. Yes, I am a man, and my name is Casey. My sadistic father did that to me. At least he didn't call me “Sue.” And yes, I do get plenty of suitors who think I am a woman. In any case, I am a member of the general’s bodyguard. The reason? About two years ago, my father was digging on our land, and we found this massive gold mine. Literally. Within the hour the government was there, complete with riot troops and horseradish (the natural tear gas) to hold back the masses, including us. My father resisted, naturally, but the government made him a deal. He would get two out of every one thousand pieces of gold that came out of there. In return, he would send me, his only son, to the military, in service of the King. Logically, my father agreed, and I was sent into the chariot service. And here I am today, serving the King on a bloody piece of wood with wheels.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/humblebeginnings.jpg

Anyhow, recently our tribe elders got together and decided to expand. Our small settlement of Camulosadae, soon to be renamed to the far less complicated “London,” was too small for our big name.
But first, there was this problem. Some other tribe leader was ousted from his tribe, took his followers with him, and began pillaging the southern area of Briton. So out leaders decided to do something about this. We sent an assassin to kill him.
But he couldn’t even get close. Apparently, teatime is a private event.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/attempt1-1.jpg

We then sent a rich diplomat, in order to get him to our side. We succeeded. In fact, all we needed to do was replenish his supply of crumpets!
For the price of a few half-stale crumpets, we earned ourselves an army!
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/attempt2.jpg

We marched north to Ratae, a rich settlement with a port. But we neglected to do any reconnaissance beforehand, which was a bloody mistake on our part.
As a result, we were jumped by the garrison and a reinforcing army.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/counterattack.jpg
authors note: this was my first real battle in EB since i stopped playing over a year ago. as a result, i forgot many of the tactics needed for EB battles, such as not keeping cavalry in melee for too long. as a result, i paid for it dearly.

It was a cold, winter day, with a fresh blanket of snow on the ground.
We put our inexperienced forces in a line, with the strongest men in the center. Casticos, our general we bought for some crumpets, decided to hang back, relaying commands via hand signals. When we pointed out that our forces may not see the hand signals, Casticos replied, “So let them buy some bloody spectacles!”
Soon our center, being impetuous, rushed forward to meet the enemy center.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/centermelee.jpg

Seeing that 2,000 men were against a mere 500, Casticos made the hand signal for the heavier troops to reinforce the center.
But because no one could see his signals, and not wanting to hurt his feelings, we secretly sent a runner to tell the troops to advance.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/reinforcing.jpg

With their help, the center was in good hands.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/goodhands.jpg

But we had a problem. The left flank, guarded by some “naked” spearmen (their Johnsons couldn’t handle the cold), was under heavy attack. We couldn’t see how much longer they could hold against three enemy units, including a unit of surprisingly elegant chariots. And when I say “elegant”, I mean elegant: they had freaking pillows and an open bar in their chariots!
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/leftstruggling.jpg

We sent in a unit of militia cavalry, but they didn't help much. After a few minutes of fighting and some bribery with alcohol, the unit of cavalry fled. I knew there was a reason for the open bar!

Soon, the left flank collapsed.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/leftfleeing.jpg

The right flank of the enemy army was free to romp around our rear area, and my unit had to dodge the enemy, because we didn't have insurance on the chariots.
A couple of our units were able to leave the main fight in the center and fall back to help with the fight in the rear, but they weren't enough.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/feeblereinforcements.jpg

But not long after, a lucky shot took out the enemy general. At the same time, the enemy who were fighting in the center began to flee. As a result, we were able to send a few of the heavier units to assist in the rear.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/strongreinforcements.jpg

Not long after, the entire enemy army broke rank and fled.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-26.jpg

Not long after, we took the town with no bloodshed, enslaved the enemy village leaders and fighters, and then established a constitutional monarchy.

After things were settled, in the spring of 271, our army could go two ways:
To the south, to the lightly defended Ictis, where there was not as much farmland but it would cost us fewer men, or we could go west, to Ynys-Mon, where it was fertile, yet heavily defended. There are rumors that there’s a giant who is seven feet tall and can shoot lightning out of his arse and guards Scotland from any invaders, which would be us. We are all afraid of this giant, but my friend says it's all just a myth. But still, it's enough to strongly consider waiting to raise a stronger army before we try to take Ynys-Mon.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/siutationspring271.jpg

[Hooahguy]

Chapter 2- Ictis
The king decided to move Casticos and his army, which was refitted with many heavier troops, towards Ictis.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/advancing-3.jpg

But before we arrived at Ictis, our diplomats tried bribing the city to surrender, but it didn't work and we had to lay siege to the town.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/pleading.jpg

A year passed before the enemy decided to sally forth. They had no hope.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/nohope.jpg

We hung back in the woods while the main army advanced.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/outofthewoods.jpg

The enemy army, badly depleted due to starvation, began to file sullenly out of the town.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/sallying.jpg

Our skirmishers harassed them while they formed up.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/skirms.jpg

Soon our forces met in a titanic struggle as the enemy put everything they had in order to stop us.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/hugemelee.jpg

They did not succeed.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/fleeing-2.jpg

We soon captured the main gate, with little price for us, but the path to it was paved with the bodies of the enemy,
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/bloodygate.jpg

The enemy withdrew to the town center, and our men stormed it.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/axemenstorming.jpg

The enemy was soon surrounded in the town square and they fought to the last man, preferring death to surrender.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/laststand-3.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-27.jpg

Ictis was ours. We now looked northwest, to Scotland and the land of the lightning-farting giant and to the far north, where we hear there are ferocious whales that repel all invaders. Once again, my friend disagrees, saying that it's just a spelling error, but I don’t believe him.
I wish my King was satisfied with the land we have now, but he says that it's our destiny to own all of the British Isles. Why he wants it all, I have no idea, but if he wants it, I suppose it's my duty to obey.

[Salahedin]

not bad : made me smile. Oh, and I'm in a bad day ya know...

[Hooahguy]

as i continue to learn about british culture ill (hopefully) be able to think of better jokes to put in. worse comes to worse ill just drop the humour part of the AAR.
stay tuned.

[Brennus]

If you have any questions about Iron Age Britain I will be happy to help ya, i study it almost everyday at uni. By the way where is "the land of Metal"?

[Hooahguy]

Chapter 3- Land of the Lightning-Farting Giants
I got another two suitors today. They came up to my door, expecting a well-formed woman, but to their great disappointment, a man showed up. I bet you my father is still laughing.
In any case, the King, the most exalted Barae, has ordered Casticos back to London, because he was showing signs of disloyalty and we needed to win him back in London. In the meantime, the King himself would take over the operation to take Ynys-Mon.
We expected that we would follow Casticos back to London, but we were wrong. I, among twenty hand picked soldiers from Casticos’s bodyguard, joined the King’s bodyguard.
His bodyguard is much different from ours. He fights on foot, like a true king. According to him, chariots are for babies (to tell you the truth, I couldn’t agree more) and he was currently phasing them out from all bodyguard units, as well as the army as a whole.
The new bodyguards were well-trained infantry, called Calawre. Over the next six months, we were re-trained not to be charioteers, but to be sword masters. And I was enjoying it thoroughly. Plus we got life insurance! Not to mention a health care bundle that came at the King’s expense. God, I love unions.

After we got a stronger army together, we marched towards Ynys-Mon. I think the people there couldn’t be more scared of us. I began to doubt the rumors of giants with lightning coming out of their arses.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/thesiege.jpg

The siege lasted for five long seasons.
During the siege, one of our diplomats got to the Iberian tribes, and secured an alliance with them.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/alliance.jpg

But it wasnt until afterwards that we realized that making this alliance would cause problems later on during our conquest of Iberia.

Finally, the famished garrison of Ynys-Mon sallied out.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/goingforth.jpg

What our King feared most was a crushing attack by the Druids, who were the most feared soldiers in the British Isles to date. The enemy had two bands of them, but so did we, so we weren't so afraid.
The enemy Druids attacked our right flank first.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/firstcontact-4.jpg

While our right flank was involved in heavy combat, some weaker troops attacked our left flank. We took care of them easily.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/secondcontact-1.jpg

We watched from a hill in the distance. I asked King Barae why we didn't join in the fight. “If any of you men die, not only will I have to pay for your funeral and your life insurance for your family, it will raise the health care rates for the rest of the group” was his answer.
How touching.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/lookingon.jpg

We pushed forward, massacring all in our wake. Seeing his men falling, the enemy general rushed out to assist his men. It was a fool’s mistake. He fell just as quickly as the rest of them.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/killingtheleader.jpg

The remainder of his bodyguard decided to stay and try to save the gate. But it was hopeless for them.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/savingthegate.jpg

We slowly pushed them back from the gate.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/pushingin.jpg

They sent in more troops in an attempt to hold us back.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/holdingback.jpg

But they caved in eventually, and fell back towards the town center.
King Barae began replacing the exhausted troops who had just captured the main gate with fresh troops in the rear. Needless to say, everyone was happy.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/cyclingout.jpg

Fresh troops charged the town center, facing very feeble opposition.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/futile.jpg

Not long after, we took the town.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/cheering-1.jpg

After the battle, the view of the front gate was, at minimum, repulsive due to the number of dead men clogging the area.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/massacre-1.jpg

What was surprising is that even though we were facing tougher opponents, we lost fewer men in this battle than we did in the last. In fact, we only lost 179 men this battle, compared to the 194 men we lost at Ictis, and the 612 men we lost at Ratae.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-28.jpg

It wasn’t a change of tactics, because we used the same general tactics as we have in past battles.
Probably that good ol’ British luck doing its part.
In my opinion, I think it was the relief that there weren't any giants to fight. That relief caused us to be more confident, and as a result, take fewer casualties.

We renamed Ynys-Mon as Baraeville, in honor of our king. He wasn’t very flattered, strangely enough.

King Barae informed us that we would head north, starting next season (fall 265), to take the northern part of our island. At first, many people were scared because the whales lived there, but then we were comforted with the fact that so far, all rumors we have ever heard have been false.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/spring265.jpg

[Hannibal Khan the Great]

Haha, I just finished reading the book "And Then There Were None". Very Nice. But be careful about editing city names. I heard it can screw up the script.

[Hooahguy]

yea, i know about the problem. im almost positive the only effect changing city names does is to make it so you cant win unless you change it back. but dont worry when i fulfil the win conditions ill just change it back to their normal state for a turn, get the win banner, then change it back to my custom names.

[Hooahguy]

Chapter 4- The Midlands

After our resounding victory in Scotland, we looked north. King Barae wanted us to head north immediately, but his aides disagreed, saying that we should scout out the Midlands, or we risk another surprise attack like the one we suffered at Ratae.
So we sent a spy. I think Diviciacos was his name. But before he finished his mission, he was killed. We sent another one. He was killed as well. We sent a total of twelve spies, and all were killed.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/deadspylist.jpg

Finally, the thirteenth one made it in by tunneling under the walls into the chieftain’s hut, getting the unit roster. But halfway back through the tunnel, a large cow heard walked over where the tunnel was, causing a cave-in. Whoever said the number thirteen was unlucky was certainly correct. After that unfortunate episode, the King decided to ignore his advisors’ advice and invade without knowing the garrison strength.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/inblind.jpg

After another five seasons of grueling siege warfare, the famished enemy garrison sallied out.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/itbegins.jpg

The King had the genius idea of adding many more slingers to the army. These slingers caused many enemy deaths even before our blades touched them.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/slingers.jpg
*if you read my other AAR, the one about the Getai, you would know that Kyros was a recurring character in my story. I thought I’d bring him back for this AAR due to his colorful personality.

It wasn’t long until both armies were embroiled in a hard fight.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/majormelee.jpg

Just like before, the enemy chieftain ran with his bodyguard into the thick of the conflict. He was soon dead.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/inthethickofit.jpg

We were able to trap most of the enemy garrison outside the walls where they were easily killed, but about a quarter of them made it back inside. Since we had no siege equipment, we opted to wait outside until someone opened the gate for us. Waiting was harder for some than for others.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/waiting-4.jpg

But eventually they did, and we poured in.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/burstingin.jpg

The few defenders at the gate beat a hasty retreat towards the town center.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/terror.jpg

The few defenders made a last stand, but it was futile.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/futileattempt.jpg

Fatal casualties were at an all-time low- 152 men dead.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-29.jpg

But we suffered many more—over 150—non-fatal casualties. Most of them were from friendly fire from the slingers. If it wasn’t for our amazing medicinal druids, we would have lost many, many, more men.
This battle made Barae reform the way we used slingers. From now on, slingers would be on the flanks (with a unit behind them to give them security), where they could sling all they wanted and cause minimal friendly fire casualties.

In a few days will be the 10-year anniversary of when King Barae launched us on our great crusade to conquer the British Isles- and beyond. Ten years later, we have all of the Southlands and most of the Midlands.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/britishempire.jpg

All that remains of mainland Briton is the wild, wild Northlands— and the Whales.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/thewildnorth.jpg

[Hooahguy]

Chapter 5- An Heir problem. And the Whales

We marched into Caledonia fully expecting a massive armed resistance by the whales. Instead, we were actually welcomed by the Caledonians. Also, I must point out that there are no whales. Apparently, the area is called “Wales,” not “Whales.” Silly me, to think that there were whales all the way in peaceful Caledonia!
They were so kind to us that King Barae actually let them rule themselves, though they would have to pledge allegiance and pay taxes.
They agreed, and their client ruler was a man named Balyn.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/clientruler.jpg

After the client ruler was settled in, King Barae took us home.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/leaving-1.jpg

When we got home, Barae got the surname “Bren.” This means “High King” in our language, only given to a king when he would rule all of Briton (not including Ireland).

Now that Bren Barae was now in his late thirties, he had to look for an heir to his throne. The Bren did not have to do this just yet, but he wanted to get it over with, as well as take the heir with him on his eventual conquest of Ireland.
Bren Barae had two sons and two daughters. Mowg and Massorias were the sons; Andoran and Ishi were the daughters (both were very beautiful). Both of the daughters were married to good men.
Bren Barae had a difficult decision to make. Neither of his sons were intelligent, but were decent leaders of men. But the two sons-in-laws were brilliant in both mind and leadership, but a bit lazy.
In the end, he named as his heir the husband of Ishi, Cynan.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/heir.jpg

Almost immediately after the decision, Massorias and Mowg demanded why neither of they were chosen. After all, they were his actual sons.
Mowg spoke first.
“Father, many years ago when you first became King, you sat us down on your lap and told us one day we would be kings.”
Bren Barae replied:
“So? Times have changed; I decided to pick someone else.”
Then Massorias spoke.
“We are true Casse!”
“You two really haven’t done your homework, haven’t you? Cynan is also a true Casse. In fact, his father and I went to school together.”
Mowg spoke up again.
“But I am a well established leader!”
“Oh please— only of the London gangs.”
“Still, a leader all the same. And what does Cynan spend his time doing? Leading? No! He sits at home, studying history and law!”
“Thank you for making my point, Mowg. He is well educated. You two, on the other hand, are just bloody idiots. Did you really think that sabotaging the soap maker’s hut would do anything useful? Now then, I will address you each personally, starting with you, Mowg.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/mowg.jpg

Let’s look at your traits. You are dull in mind, and while you are charismatic, you have a weak spirit. You like fighting, but that’s pretty much it. And you have a freaking witch following you around!”
“How dare you! She’s a nice lady!”
“You are nothing like me, so tell me, why should I choose you as an heir to my throne? Now then, on to you, Massorias.”
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/massorias.jpg

“Massorias, you are the last person I would want leading this kingdom. Granted, you do make a decent mayor of Baraeville, but you have major faults. You are lazy, you take bribes, and I question your loyalty to me. You have a witch following you around as well. Not to mention, you are an exceptionally poor commander. In short, not a good choice. Cynan was the best choice I had, and if someone better comes along, I will make this lucky fellow my heir instead of Cynan, trust me on this.
My sons, both of you should know that I love both of you, but I only want the best for this kingdom.”
“We’re not even a true kingdom. We’re a Constitutional Monarchy.”
“Oh shut up Mowg, you know what our father is talking about,” snapped Massorias.
“Now both of you leave, I need to begin preparations for the invasion of Ireland.”

And thus ended the debate over who would be the next Bren of the Casse.

Bren Barae returned to his army in the Midlands. What he found greatly disappointed him. Half of his slingers (not Kyros don’t worry) had deserted, as well as the fighting Druids and some of the Southland warriors.
Our Bren demanded the reason from the officers.
“Sir, most of them are terrified of the Irish. They have heard stories of the Irish, of how they cannot be subjugated, and how they hide in the trees, kidnapping Britons and eating their brains. We tried our hardest, Sir, to make them stay, but it was hopeless, they are that petrified.”
“And the Druids?”
“Well, they just don’t want to lose their drug provider, who refuses to step foot into Ireland.”
“Crud, this is going to be harder than I thought. Get a recruiting team into Caledonia; see if some of them are willing to follow us into Ireland, I'm going to try to raise some moral amongst our men.”

As Bren Barae walked amongst his men, calming nerves and speaking only words of encouragement, I couldn’t help but think of what lies in the wild realm of Ireland.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/ireland.jpg

[Hooahguy]

Chapter 6- Into Ireland and a Fatal Mistake

Just as we got into Ireland, Cynan took sick. We had to go back to get some medicine for him. We went back to Ireland. He got sick again. We went back. Again. Finally, we decided to go even if Cynan was sick or not.
Bren Brae had some serious doubts about him. Some serious negative traits had surfaced since the time he made Cynan the heir.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/unsure.jpg

Among the negative traits, the troops under his command had serious doubts to his leadership abilities.
The Bren talked with his heir.
“Son, you need to show your men that you are a true warrior. That means not being afraid to get in the thick of it, and to help out your men.”
“Yes my Bren, I will not let you down!”

We got to Emain-Macha, the fortress of the Goidilic tribe, who held a command of the northern part of Ireland. Cynan was sick again for a while, but there was a window of time where he was feeling better, and, according to him, he could fight. So instead of waiting the siege out, Bren Barae assaulted the town.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/starting.jpg

Our slingers began the battle by raining stones onto the enemy heavy infantry.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/grass.jpg

The two rams got to the walls, and made a breach.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/battering.jpg

The enemy only got to one of the holes we made, which enabled reinforcements to easily flow through the other.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/otherhole.jpg

Our medium troops flowed into the breaches.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/intothebreach.jpg

We sent some men to the right side of the fortress to flank the enemy, but they were halted by some enemy troops, as well as some Caledonians who fled to this fortress when we took over their homeland the year before.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/enemycaledonians.jpg

But the main fight on the left side was struggling a bit. They weren't making much headway.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/struggling.jpg

To make things worse, the enemy general and his bodyguard joined the fight.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/againstthegeneral.jpg

To help them, we sent an available unit of medium infantry to take an available ram and to break open the main gate.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/otherram.jpg

They did, and they flowed into the fortress.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/druids.jpg

While that was going on, Cynan and his bodyguard joined the fight. Seeing that the main fight was soon to be over, he took his bodyguard and charged the center of the town, which was heavily defended.
The reason for this incredibly dumb and irrational move? He wanted to prove to everyone and to Bren Barae that he was a capable warrior. I bet that this made even Massorias feel smart. Not even that idiot would do such a stupid thing.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/toosoon.jpg

Surprisingly, the man did well. He took down more than a handful of enemy soldiers.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/battling.jpg

But our Bren saw that it may be too late, and sent help for him.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/help.jpg

But it was too late.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/heroicdeath.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/deathpart2.jpg

Just then, the reinforcements arrived.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/reinforcements.jpg

In a rage, Barae sent his entire wrath against the enemy.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/bombarding.jpg

Soon, the fortress was ours, but at a cost of 228 men, including Cynan, who the Druids could not save.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-30.jpg

Bren Brae, in his sadness, renamed the town “Cynan,” then sent back word to London of the loss. He also named his other son-in-law, Gwen, as the new heir.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/newheir-1.jpg

It was a bittersweet victory for us all.

[Drewski]

The repeating "Die Earth Die" joke, had me in stitches....dunno why but it did :) Love the comic captioning.

Oh and btw, Ynys Mons, is Angelsey and represents Wales; Caledonia is Scotland- you got them the wrong way around, but nevermind ;)

[Unintended BM]

Yeah, I was going to say, you mixed up Wales and Scotland.

[Titus Marcellus Scato]

Pretty impressive AAR from someone whose only knowledge of British history (and geography) comes from Monty Python and Braveheart..... ;)

[Hooahguy]

Yeah, I was going to say, you mixed up Wales and Scotland.
oh crud. :embarassed:


Pretty impressive AAR from someone whose only knowledge of British history (and geography) comes from Monty Python and Braveheart..... ;)
why thank you. :bow:

[Hooahguy]

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chapter7.jpg

After our men were rested and refitted, our army marched southwards to Ivernis, the fortress of southern Ireland.
The land is beautiful. Huge forests, flowing streams, great farmland, I cannot wait to take this place over. In fact, our Bren decided not to destroy any of the surrounding land on the way to Ivernis.
We started our battle quite reluctantly.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/startingbattle.jpg

The battle started with a cavalry clash on the right flank. We won, easily. But because both sides had similar war paint, I’d imagine how it was easy for some to slip away.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/cavalryaction.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/cavalry.jpg

But then some of the medium swordsmen rushed forward too early, and soon found themselves surrounded.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/surrounded-3.jpg

Our slingers gave them all the help they could, but by the time our men got there, the unit of medium swordsmen already took over 75% casualties.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/helparrives.jpg

But it wasn’t long before there were only a few enemy soldiers standing in our way.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/hopeless.jpg

Our Caledonians were a huge help as well.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/caledonians.jpg

But, as before, the enemy got inside and closed the gates before we could get in.
All we had to do was wait for someone to open it for us, it was that simple.
A flawed RTW system will do that.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/wait.jpg

As soon as they opened, we poured in.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/pouringin.jpg

We chased the few remnants of the enemy to the town square.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chasing-3.jpg

And under a lovely Irish sky, we defeated them, and secured Ireland.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/irelandwon.jpg

Our men were so happy that our cavalry even did a victory lap around the town!
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/victorylap.jpg

Casualties were heavy, surprisingly— we lost 285 men that battle, 27 of those were from friendly fire.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-31.jpg

Most likely, this was caused by our slingers trying to help the surrounded unit, but by accident, we caused some deaths on our own side.

With the battle won, and Ireland secured, Bren Barae, who was by this time exhausted from the campaign, installed a client ruler over Ireland, and then took us home. The British Isles were ours.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/britishislesours.jpg

When we got back, he was asked what he would do next.
He said nothing, merely pointing to a place on the map.
“Normandy?”

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/characters.jpg

[Drewski]

Great laugh again :laugh: Lugo is my new favourite.....keep it coming ~:thumb:

[Hax]

Simply excellent.

[Thermal]

Started with a few funny moments, but it gets funnier as you progress, well done. :bow:

Well written, not to much to read but definitely enough. :wink:

[NikosMaximilian]

This thread is teh win!!1!

:laugh4:~:thumb:

[jirisys]

This thread is teh win!!1!

:laugh4:~:thumb:

A new meaning for FTW, now it means, that it's close to the winningness of this thread

Now we need a new meaning for FTL (for the lose) :clown:

Edit: I love this AAR, but could you please spoil the images? i hate to be pushed upwards when an image loads

~Jirisys (FTW!)

[Hooahguy]

because of a huge workload at school this week, including a paper i have to rewrite, a math test, and a science test, i doubt that i will be able to update before thursday.
i may be able to update friday.

[gamegeek2]

Just read the whole thing. Great stuff!

[Moosemanmoo]

Just read the whole thing. Great stuff!

ditto, me gusta mucho

[Hooahguy]

i reposted it in the TWC writers study for all you TWC-goers.

[Hooahguy]

i turned in my research paper today, i will update within 24 hours.

[Hooahguy]

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chapter8.jpg

After we arrived back in London, preparations for our invasion of Normandy began. We called it “Operation Underpeasant.” Bren Barae relied on using maps from our merchants, since he told us that he has never been to Normandy before, so he couldn’t make plans based on his observations of the land.

Some promotions were made. My friend was made the logistics officer, and another man from the unit was made the scouting officer. And I was made the troop overseer. When I asked the Bren what that meant, he said that I was to spend time among the troops, and make sure things are going smoothly between them. I'm still not sure what that means, but it can't be that bad.

A few weeks into training, several of the unit commanders approached Bren Barae. I do not know what exactly was said, but all I know is that Bren Barae was grim at the end of it.
He told me that some of our units did not wish to join us into Normandy, and for some reason, the Bren allowed them to return home.
While Bren Barae took it well during the meeting, he went berserk afterwards.
“How dare they do that! I led them into battle, I gave them land, spoils of war, and yet they turn their backs on me when I need them most! Now where will I get the men to replace them?”
Then one of the rookie aides spoke up:
“Well, I know of one band of fighters that may be useful. They are called “Kluddoboro.”
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/klud.jpg

“These men are excellent fighters. They are loyal, fierce, and love to go on adventures; did I tell you when they chased a deer into northern Scotland because ‘it seemed like fun’? These men are perfect for the job.”

Our Bren thought for a bit, and then replied, “Well, they seem like a good replacement for the Botroas. But I don’t want them chasing any deer, got it?”

“Yes sir, I will tell them. Also sir, there are some other units of spearmen who want to take part in the campaign as well. They are not professional soldiers, but are very loyal. But it seems like they want to go to Normandy in search of gold.”

“Well, let them join us. Their manpower couldn’t hurt. And if they find gold in Normandy, kudos to them, for I couldn’t find any.”

“Sir, so you have been to Normandy before?”

“Uhhhhhh….. so, do we have room for these new recruits?”

“Yes sir, we do have room.”

“Ok then, make sure these recruits can fight, then we will prepare to board.”

A month later, everything was ready. We gathered two armies for this campaign: one under the Bren, who was with the Heir and the other army was under his son Mowg. Both armies were in separate fleets. Our army boarded at London, the other at Ratae. We soon met up outside London harbor, and then began our journey across the channel.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/boatride.jpg

But all of a sudden, a huge channel storm brewed up, and sent us far off course, but we were fortunate to lose no men to it. A day later, the storm subsided. When all was clear, we tried to get our bearings. We began to travel west, not knowing where we were. Even the Bren was confused. Soon we came upon some wreckage. And then more wreckage. Then a lifeboat with six men in it appeared among the debris. One of the men on our boat recognized one of the people on the lifeboat as one of his friends, who was in the other fleet.

We pulled the men into our boat, and then asked them what happened.

“Everything was going chirpily until that dammed storm came upon us. The storm tossed us around like twigs. We lost all our ships and men, only a few men remained, who boarded this lifeboat, about seven of us. Mowg was among us. But then he began talking about how not everyone could stay on the boat and how only the strongest could stay on if everyone was to survive. To tell you the truth, he was acting pretty crazy. He began pointing fingers at those who should be thrown overboard and left to die and that’s when a huge wave crashed into us and capsized us. When we succeeded in getting the boat turned over and got back in, Mowg was nowhere to be found. And then you found us, and here we are.”
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/disaster.jpg

Bren Barae was stunned. The other army had been completely destroyed by the storm. His son was dead, the fleet was far off course, and his plan was in ruins. At age 50, the Bren had never been devastated more in his life.
Nevertheless, he said that the plan must continue. It was a bold move, so we kept following the coast, expecting us to find Normandy, but after two weeks, we could not find it. Because we were very low on fish and chips, we decided to land at the next available place.
We found a place and landed. We began marching, unit we came to a little sign:
“WELCOME TO GALAECIA: HOME OF THE IBERIANS SINCE 272”

Bren Barae stared at it with disbelief, and then tentatively said:
“Holy mother of god, we are in Iberia.”

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/intoiberia.jpg

NOTE: in about a week an interview with Thermal and me about this AAR will be featured at the TWC. stay tuned, ill be sure to post the link.

[Hooahguy]

but could you please spoil the images? i hate to be pushed upwards when an image loads



sorry, if it wasnt so much work than maybe i would but because its incredibly time consuming to do so, considering the amount of images i have in my chapters, then my answer is no. i know, i hate it too when it takes a bit for it to load, but its a small price to pay.

[Hooahguy]

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chapter9.jpg

After we were had made camp, our Bren gave a short speech to the men about how we would survive in this land and how help is on its way. I must admit, it was pretty convincing, even for me, who knew the truth. It would be a while until help arrived.
Bren Barae confided in me that he was sure that after this disaster that Briton would never become a major sea power. “We Britons just aren’t meant to be on the sea.”

We marched for a bit along the coast. Soon we came to a small village called Tyde, owned by some tribe called the Lusotanan. Bren Barae said that the name sounded familiar. Maybe we had made a treaty with them a while ago? He couldn’t remember. We were starving, so we asked them for some food. They said no. We made a picket line, and what did they do? Still said no.
So we put them under siege.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/thesiege-1.jpg

And what did they do, those ungrateful Iberians? They brought another army to combat us! The nerve!
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/introtobattle.jpg

We arrayed in the field overlooking the town. As I walked among the men, as was my job to do so, I heard fearful talk about how we were going to all die. I quickly found the source: a recruit by the name of Yntyn. Apparently, when he signed up for this job he didn't actually expect to fight. As I walked over to him, a short swordsman named Cian ran over and promptly punched Yntyn in the face then yelled,
“You yellow-bellied bastard! Shut up before I slice your nose off!”
That kept Yntyn quiet for a bit.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/approaching.jpg

Because Barae was getting old, he let Gwen take charge of the battle. Gwen put the skirmishers and slingers in the front, skirmisher cavalry on the flanks, and the main line fight behind the slingers. The idea was to have the slingers run behind the infantry when the enemy drew near.
But it didn't go as planned. The enemy drew nearer than expected, and caught Kryos’s unit of slingers before they could fall back. While Kyros and some others were able to fall back, many were trapped, and had to fight.
Their daggers were no match for the swords of the mercenary heavy infantry the Lusotanan had recruited for this battle.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/fallingback.jpg

Gwen, at Bren Barae’s advice, quickly sent a unit of axmen to help the surrounded slingers, but for many, it was too late.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/relief-1.jpg

On the other flank, the Caledonians were able to harass the enemy flank for quite a while before they were forced to fall back due to heavy infantry sent their way.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/skirmsonflanks.jpg

In the center, Lusotanan armored infantry attacked and opened a hole in the line. Out of desperation, Gwen sent our spearmen to plug the gap. It was almost certain death, but our men came through. Eventually.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/spearmen.jpg

Credit must be given to our light cavalry who rained spears on the enemy’s flank. If it wasn’t for them, the spearmen in the center would have surely broken.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/horseskirms.jpg

Meanwhile, reinforcements from the city arrived. Our axmen made short work of them.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/slaughtering.jpg

In the center, the enemy began to rout back to the town. Obviously, they were tired of being constantly harassed by our cavalry. Our Milnaht, eager for blood, chased after them.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/intothegrass.jpg

Cian, taking charge of his unit while his unit commander was sick with the runs, chased after some other routers who fled towards the hills, not the town.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/routers.jpg

The rest of the Lusotanan army fled, and we killed as many as we could. Even Kyros and his men took part. They were still incensed over their misuse earlier in the battle.
The battle-and the town- was won.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-32.jpg

Our casualties were heavy- 428 dead. Bren decided to get Gwen a tutor in tactics. He couldn’t afford to make any more mistakes in the field. In Iberia, no one wanted to join our ranks. We had to make do with what we had. We installed a client ruler in Tyde, recruited some mercenaries to guard the town, and then hung around for a bit to see what the Lusotanan would do. The future did not look promising. Scouts report that two major Lusotanan armies are only a three-week’s march away. Not only that, Lusotanan scouts, riding on extremely fast horses, are constantly probing us. So far, we’ve never been able to catch one, and it's beginning to worry many of us.

Word got back to London about the disaster, and a relief force was immediately assembled.
But it would be a long time until it arrived. Until then, we had to buckle down and prepare for the worst.
No one knows if we will survive the next few months.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/uncertain.jpg

[Cute Wolf]

Holy mother of God.... the Britons are invading Spain... not Normandy.... where's fransisco franco then :clown:

Excellent AAR Hooah! :2thumbsup:

[Hooahguy]

Authors forward- sorry this isn't a very funny chapter. after this near defeat i wasn't feeling very funny.

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chapter10.jpg

We finally caught one of the Lusotanan scouts.
We asked him why their horses were so fast. He answered: “Red Bull.”
It must be some sort of herb native to Iberia.

Anyways, three weeks after we took Tyde, the massive enemy army arrived, prepared to do battle. There were almost 5,000 men against our 2,820 men. They outnumbered us almost two to one!
We were all very, very scared. Even Bren Barae was nervous. We were a tired bunch, and few of our units were up to full strength. Could we take on this numerically superior army?
They presented battle on a bright spring day. Having no choice, we took to the field.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/hardbattlestarts.jpg

But when we had a good look at the makeup of the enemy forces, most of us laughed. The entire army was made up of skirmishers! We thought it was going to be an easy fight.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/lotsofskirms.jpg

We were sadly mistaken.
Gwen, much wiser from the last battle, sent the slingers, who were positioned on the flanks as Kyros had advised him, to rush forward and begin pelting the enemy skirmishers.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/slingersforward.jpg

Then Gwen ordered a general advance, to close with the skirmishers so they couldn’t pelt us. If they had the chance to pelt us, it would be an infantryman’s nightmare. Our nightmare.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/pressingforward.jpg

Then it all went to hell. While the plan seemed great, it didn't take into account that there would be so many skirmishers that they could just swarm our units.
Because of this, many good units charged to their doom.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/rushingtodeath.jpg

I decided for this battle to fight among Lugo, one of the Milnaht. He had a speech problem, but all of you know that already. We were on the right flank, and the other unit of Milnaht was on the left flank. One of the other soldiers told me that Lugo, with his simple language, expressed concern for his friends in the other unit.
“He is afraid that they will get wiped out.”
“Don’t worry,” I replied, “they will do just fine.”

But things were not fine. All along the line, units were being surrounded by mobs of skirmishers, and had to fight their way out or hope for relief. Our light cavalry, lead by Flynnyn, ran around charging into the flanks of the skirmishers that surrounded our men, giving them hope. But after an hour or so, they were bogged down and many of them were slaughtered. Flynnyn and 23 others barely escaped with their lives.
Cian and his men also found themselves fighting for their lives. The commander of his unit was killed, so he took the reins and eventually led his men to victory. He also took a few scalps with him, but that’s another story for another time.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/enveloping.jpg

Because the spearmen had a hard time in the last battle, Gwen kept them in reserve. At this point in the battle, he sent them into the left flank to help our men.
But for some it was too late. An entire unit of Caledonians and a unit of short swordsmen had been annihilated, and the other units in that area were fighting for their existence.
With the help of the spearmen, we were able to rout the enemy left flank. But it took a while, and not until a grisly prophecy had come true: the unit of Milnaht, which was positioned on the left flank, was completely slaughtered, just as Lugo had predicted.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/rout.jpg

The spearmen then charged into the center, expecting the center to crumble with their arrival just as the left flank did. They were wrong, and soon they were enveloped as well.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/surrounded-4.jpg

Bren Barae, seeing that they were in trouble and that we were out of reserves, pulled out his sword and charged. We did the same. Both the Bren and his heir charged into the center.
We were met with a frantic battle. The spearmen were holding their ground, but were desperate. The axmen were cutting their way through the enemy skirmishers like they always did, but there were too many of them and they too were taking casualties.
We charged into the center. I stabbed by sword into the back of one skirmisher, and he fell. Blood glistened on the blade like the afternoon sun. The enemy soldiers still had their backs to me, so we kept attacking at their backs, and it wasn’t long until we had relieved one unit of spearmen. They looked quite thankful, especially Yntyn, who was quite black and blue from all the punches Cian had given him.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/bodyguardsattacking-1.jpg

Barae told Gwen to press forward to relieve the other unit of spearmen while he took us to chase down a unit of skirmishers that were giving Kyros and his men a load of trouble on the right flank.
On the right flank, the other unit of Caledonians was not doing very well. They were being pressed by two enemy units, and were losing men fast.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/caledonianssurrounded.jpg

Cian and his men, not far away from the Caledonians, were also in deep trouble. They were surrounded, and were in danger of being overrun.
Yntyn, showing a surprising amount of courage, took the lead of the spearmen and charged them into the backs of the enemy surrounding Cian.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/saved.jpg

Even though he was saved, Cian denies that his unit ever needed to be rescued. To quote him,
“Nope, we could have easily beaten off those wimps, but then that yellow-nosed bastard had to come in and take all the credit.”

With that charge by the spearmen, the enemy broke and ran.
Bren Barae led the chase, and we slew at least two hundred alone on the right flank during the pursuit.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/leadingthechase.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/slingerschasing.jpg

After a while, when we were all exhausted, we ended the chase and let the surviving skirmishers flee. But we knew they would be back.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/lookingon-1.jpg

The enemy army had been destroyed at a huge cost to our men- almost 1,000 men on our side were dead. Four of our best units were wiped out, and the rest had taken heavy casualties.
But we had also inflicted over 3,670 casualties!
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-33.jpg

The carnage was tremendous. There were dead men as far as the eye could see. Blood soaked the ground as flies began buzzing around the bodies. War truly is hell.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/carnage-6.jpg

After the battle, Lugo found the body of his friend, and began to weep. I had never seen a grown man weep like that before.

After the victory, it was much easier to draft people into our army. We were able to quickly reinforce our slinger units, but we found it impossible to get people to reinforce our infantry. So we have to wait until our reinforcements arrive from Briton. But we do not know how long that will be, and if another enemy army of that proportion arrives, it will be a very uncertain future indeed.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/veryuncertain.jpg

[Cute Wolf]

if you hire some curepos, that battle maybe turned to just one sided slaughterfest....

[Hooahguy]

yea, i just hired a unit of them.

[Drewski]

Wow great mood change...that was almost quite touching at the end....good writing :)

[Hooahguy]

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chapter11.jpg

We waited another three weeks, nervously scanning the horizon for any signs of Lusotanan soldiers. But we saw none, except for the occasional Red Bull-powered scouts that the Lusotanan sent out to make sure we were still there.
We assume that after the major defeat a few weeks ago, the Lusotanan are too scared to come near us. Which is a good thing, by the way. We cannot afford to lose another 1000 men.

But in the early weeks of fall, we saw sails on the horizon. Casse sails.
Relief had come.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/helparrives-1.jpg

As we geared up to go on the offensive, a Lusotanan diplomat came calling to our diplomat in the region, Berendos.
He asked for a cease-fire to the conflict.
Bren Barae thought long and hard before giving his answer to Berendos, who was then to give it to the Lusotanan diplomat.
We told them yes, and there was an uneasy peace in the area.
Needless to say, many of the men who were in the relief army were annoyed.
"We came all the way from Briton to fight some Iberians and when we get here, there is a ceasefire?! What a rip-off! I want my money back!"
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/ceasefire-3.jpg

One of his aides, Culominus, asked the Bren why he did that, why he answered yes. Bren Barae’s answer was prompt.
“Think about it. If we can lull the Lusotanan into a false sense of security, just like we did with our initial invasion, think about what we can achieve! I sent word back to Britain to make a new army to help us with the upcoming fight. And with this new army, we can remain as vigilant as possible, and still have the upper hand! It will be as easy as riding a horse!”

“Sir, you have never ridden a horse before in your life. How can you—”

“Silence! I kill you!”

“Sir, how long will it take for this plan of yours to get ready? To raise a whole army doesn’t take a month. And by then the situation will have changed. For all we know they are planning a preemptive strike right now.

That was what we were worried about. We sent our best spy to get the troop numbers of the Lusotanan in the area.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/ominous.jpg

He did, and he found another huge army in the province over. But luckily, there aren't as many skirmishers in this army.
He went in for a second time to get more info, but he was captured.
We sent a courier to bring him tools to get him out. Unfortunately, this courier wasn’t the brightest of the bunch, but we figured he could bring the tools as we asked.
A week later they were both executed.

We inquired as to why they both failed, and we received an anonymous letter containing a conversation between the two spies that was overheard in the prison.

Spy: Did you bring the tools?
Courier: No, but I brought something better!
S: What did you bring? A hammer and chisel, I hope, right?
C: No, I brought you….. A wooden duck!
S: Why the bloody hell did you bring me a wooden duck?
C: When you escape and they are looking for you, you can hide in a lake with the duck on your head and they won't find you!
S: But I need to get out of here first!
C: That’s why I brought the banana.
S: The WHAT?
C: A banana. It's a crescent shaped fruit that is yellow…
S: Oh shut up! You are of no help at all! How am I supposed to use a banana?!
C: To bribe the guard with, of course.
S: Oh bloody hell, you are useless.

Bren Barae closed the letter and heaved a heavy sigh.
“Well, we can't get discouraged by this. We have faced worse odds than this and we will prevail.”

“Spoken like a true king, my Bren.”

“Culominus, are you mocking me?

We took advantage of the ceasefire to explore the world a bit. We got the news that one of our allies, the Aedui, had only one province of Gaul left, and even that was in danger of falling into Averni hands. It seems like the Averni are quite a superpower!
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/endofAedui.jpg

We would have explored more but our scouts got drunk with French wine and found themselves chained to bedposts in a French whorehouse, and couldn’t find a way out. They have since disappeared. Flynnyn claims it was the UFOs.

We also took the time to get our treasury in order. As a result, we are no longer in the red!

And that was the known world in spring of 240 BCE.

[Cute Wolf]

Still allied with BOTH aedui and arvernii? :clown: go help someone then... and kick the others

[Hooahguy]

i need to deal with the Iberians first. then ill come in.

[Hooahguy]

an interview with me by Thermal has been recently featured at the TWC:
http://www.twcenter.net/forums/showthread.php?t=353585#r20

[Hooahguy]

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/d1.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/d2.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/d3.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/d4.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/d5.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/d6.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/d7.jpg

[Ludens]

~:thumb:

[Qvintvs]

Where did you get the Kluddobro pic?

[jirisys]

Where did you get the Kluddobro pic?

From EB :grin::clown:

~Jirisys (Milnaht!:clown:)

[Hooahguy]

Where did you get the Kluddobro pic?

what do you mean?

[Qvintvs]

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/klud.jpg

this one

[Hooahguy]

well, i had an older version of the recruitment viewer, which had the unit cards featured, so i looked in the files of the RV and found what i needed.

[Hooahguy]

I finally got some time to play!

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chapter12.jpg

In the summer of 264, the army of Dejotaros, the general of the relieving army, made camp near the border. Bren Barae had told him to make sure no one crossed that border, friend or foe. He didn't want to start another war before we were truly ready.
But after a week, the fresh troops became impatient. They had never seen combat, so they were thirsty for blood. Sometimes I think they are being influenced by Lugo a bit too much. The Bren knew of this, so he sent me, the troop overseer, to make sure things were ok and stayed in order.
When I got to the camp, I saw the men getting their equipment to battle order.
I ran over to Dejotaros and asked him what was going on.
“I took a poll that asked if we should invade. 97% said we should, so we are getting ready to take Oxtraca.”
“THIS ISN’T A DEMOCRACY!!! And besides, why would you take Oxtraca?”
“It's the Lusotanan capital, duh.”

I rode back to the Bren and told him what happened.
He muttered something about the Philosophy of Bollocks.
I asked him what that was.
“Philosophy with a twist of Bollocks” he said.

I still have no idea what that means.

But the Bren could do nothing. The army was already on its way.

I rode back to Dejotaros’s camp, and just caught them leaving. I decided to stay for the ride.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/pleasedontgo.jpg

But he went, and soon we were confronted with battle.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/hewent.jpg

Bren asked me to report on the battles, so I climbed a tree and got this view of the battlefield:
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/overlook-7.jpg

It seems like it will be an easy battle.

To the rear, two enemy units of skirmishers tried to flank us, but our cavalry drove them away.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/shocking.jpg

At the same time, the skirmishers had made contact, and withdrew behind the lines after the pressure was put on by the Lusotanan.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/skirms-1.jpg

Dejotaros sent almost all our men forward, determined to keep this battle as short as possible. We also took out their skirmishers early on to prevent more losses. Our Kluddoboro took care of them easily.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/thedenoffools.jpg

On the right flank, our Caledonians were exchanging fire with Iberian skirmishers. I must say that it was quite entertaining to watch volleys of javelins go back and forth repeatedly. At least until our Milnaht got there and made a bloody mess of the Iberians.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/volley.jpg

Dejotaros sent the reserves in, to give us that last push we needed.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/wadingin.jpg

At that time, Dejotaros brought the cavalry forward to clean up.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/shiftingcavalry.jpg

To make a long story short, they did.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chasingdown-3.jpg

The last holdouts were some heavy Iberian troops, but they too were routed after some time.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/againsttheflood.jpg

The battle was over, much more successful than the last one, having only lost 326 men.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-34.jpg

But there was still much carnage to be found. Dejotaros told me that bodies are great fertilizer. Anyhow, it's hard to find all the bodies in the long grass.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/carnage-7.jpg

I rode back to the Bren, telling of our victory.
“Good job! Dejotaros deserves something for his actions!”
“Like what, my Bren? A promotion?”
“I was thinking a cookie, but a promotion will do fine as well.”

Then I asked him if he will let Dejotaros continue his campaign.
“Of course I will!” he answered.
“But weren't you angry at him before?”
“Yes, but now I'm not.”
“And why is that?”
“I'm just not.”
“What? That makes no sense.”
“Sure it does. Have I taught you nothing?”
“Sure seems like it.”
“Well, that’s the Philosophy of Bollocks for you.”

[Hooahguy]

ok so i have an update on the way, but its a HUGE update, with 3 battles and lots of drama, so it will take some time to work in the humor and other elements.
i will probably have it ready tomorrow, latest by Friday.

but here is a teaser in the meantime:
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/teaser.jpg

[Cute Wolf]

LOL... :thumbsup:

keeep up the excellent AAR Hooah.... :grin:

[G. Septimus]

whoa, Love this one
better than Cute Wolf's one

[Hooahguy]

now now then, lets not be bashing other people...

[d'Arthez]

Very nice AAR. Love the humour.

[Ruepelheinz]

I really enjoy reading your AAR. Thx

[Hooahguy]

sorry for the delay, the update is so large im only halfway done with it and ive been working on it since thursday.

[Hotseat_User]

just take your time! I'm enjoying the time of waiting by thinking about the next good laugh you'll produce! It's awesome and I guess the next chapter 'is gonna be awesomme too' soo I wait for it. :clap:

[Cute Wolf]

whoa, Love this one
better than Cute Wolf's one


now now then, lets not be bashing other people...

don't worry then Hooah.... it was definitely better than mine, I still have much to learn from you :bow:

[Hooahguy]

don't worry then Hooah.... it was definitely better than mine, I still have much to learn from you :bow:

why thank you. :bow:

i am almost done with the update. i will finish it tonight and upload it tomorrow, hopefully.

[Qvintvs]

------------------------------------------------------------------

It`s been a whole month since Herius Corpulentus made the decision that he will never physically exert himself for the rest of his life. People almost began to think that he could possibly be trusted, but sadly, he broke his promise. He wanted to sneeze, and one of the plebeians noticed that Herius tried to prevent sneezing. He immediately announced that fact so loud, that the whole world heard him..

[Hooahguy]

are you angry, Qvintvs?

[Qvintvs]

Sorry, you got it wrong. Better do not search any hidden meaning in that message.


I just throught i`d write something there, and not necessarily clever...

[Hooahguy]

I had time tonight to finish it so here goes:

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chapter13.jpg

After our victory, Dejotaros decided to push on. At least that was until he found something called “weed.” Not sure what that is, but it made Dejotaros high as a bird. In fact, he got so high off that stuff that he was incapable to command for the next day.
We dragged the man who gave him the “weed.”

“What is that stuff and where did you get it?” we asked him.
The man replied, “It's called marijuana and I bought it off some aliens.”
Flynnyn went nuts.
After we put Flynnyn in a straitjacket and gagged him, we asked the man, “What do you mean by ‘aliens?’”
“Alien in the sense that he was a foreigner. He had a brown skin, and said he was from Columbia. Don’t ask me where that is, I have no idea. All I know is that stuff is amazing.”
Cian piped in “I prefer magic shrooms.”
The dealer said “have you tried weed?”
“Well, no….”
“So try some! Here…”
I had to end this.
“Stop! There will be no getting high on campaign!”
Just then Dejotaros came in. “what’s all this about getting high? Oh, hello Doug! How does the weed business coming along?

At that moment, a rider burst in.
“Sir! A Lusotanan army approaches!”
Dejotaros wasn’t high so he gathered up the troops and headed out.
Doug said to me: “Wait! Casey! Take some of this. It will help you fight better!”
I accepted it, despite my misgivings.
We started the battle.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/battle1.jpg

Unfortunately, all I remember of the battle was this:
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/melee1.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/flee1.jpg

Then I blacked out. Kyros told me later that the ecstasy that Doug thought he gave me was really Roofies. “Just thank the lord that you weren't raped” said Kyros.
Gee, that makes me feel better.

So Kyros will fill you in on the battle:
“After our skirmishers gave the initial volley, they retreated to the safety of the trees. The enemy left flank collapsed almost instantaneously, being so afraid of our Milnaht. Then our Milnaht forced their way into the Iberian center in a bloody brawl, which they won, of course. Lugo led the way, and proved himself more than capable of getting enough blood for the Red Crosses’s blood quota.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/melee15.jpg

On the right flank our Kluddoboro were bogged down with the Lusotanan mercenaries, but eventually defeated them as well. A captured mercenary said that during the fight many of them suddenly became pacifists.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/rightflankmelee.jpg

And then Casey woke up from being drugged and began humping that tree over there and then he—“

That’s enough out of Kyros.

But the battle went pretty well, regardless of me being there or not.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/resultsoffirst.jpg

The remnants of the Lusotanan army fled into the city.

We got word that a third Casse army had landed. Needless to say, there was much rejoicing, seeing that we would be relieved soon.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/reinforcementarmy.jpg

We didn't even have a full two days when another Lusotanan army came. It was smaller, but still substantial, and full of elites.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/battle2.jpg

The enemy army lined up and came at us in good order. We lined up our men to meet the enemy.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/feeble.jpg

After a brief but vicious battle, we drove off the enemy army.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/melee2.jpg

But then a trumpet sounded to our rear. There was another enemy force behind us!
Dejotaros had little time to recall our men, who were in hot pursuit of the Lusotanan bait.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/heavieschasingdown.jpg

So Dejotaros called upon the only reserves he had left- the levy spearmen.
It was almost a suicide mission, but after all, they were cannon fodder.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/versuselites.jpg

The levies fought hard, and eventually were able to defeat the elite Lusotanan soldiers only due to numbers. Just when they had achieved victory, the Lusotanan elite cavalry entered the scene.
Luckily, the levies had a bit of an easier time with them than they did with the elite foot soldiers.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/againstthegeneral-1.jpg

We drove them off, and they fled again to the safety of the city.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/taunting1.jpg

Again, it was a good battle for us.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/resultsofsecond.jpg

Following up on his victory, Dejotaros put Oxtraca under siege.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/layingsiege.jpg

We would have waited the siege out, but spies reported a large Lusotanan army forming up a few mountains over. We could not wait.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/battle3.jpg

We built a ram and a siege tower to get us into the city, but at the protest of some of the druids, who claimed that such devices were of the devil himself. When they were completed, we had our best men push them to the walls and gate
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/ramandtower.jpg

While they pushed, our men, and an extra battering ram, stood ready.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/waiting-5.jpg

But then disaster struck: arrows with fire on them set fire to the ram! Our troops manning the ram had to fall back.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/fire.jpg

But our siege tower made it to the walls safely.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/toweratwall.jpg

Meanwhile, the eight survivors of the elite foot soldier unit who were tasked with guarding the walls looked on, sensing their impending doom.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/doomed-1.jpg

Our men poured onto the wall.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/pouringin-1.jpg

Soon, we captured the gate. The eight Lusotanan soldiers posed no real problem for us.
Dejotaros sent almost the entire army into the town.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chargingin.jpg

We were met by the garrison commander and his bodyguard. He had a funny accent, sounded very Gaul-ish. Makes me wonder where the Lusotanan are getting their soldiers. We made short work of the garrison commander and his bodyguard. Incidentally, most of them were vets of the previous battle.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/againstcavalry.jpg

There was also a report of a soldier who went insane while fighting, saying such nonsense like “git some” over an over while mercilessly hacking at the Lusotanan. I'm beginning to worry that the fighting is getting to some people’s head.

Our men ran to the town center, and found little resistance.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/nohope-1.jpg

We hacked down all those who resisted. Oxtraca was ours.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/cheering-2.jpg

Dejotaros made a policy of no looting, and tried to keep order as much as possible. But it was hard to control the men after they found the local brothel. Dejotaros, quite by coincidence (or so he claimed) put his headquarters right across the street from the brothel. After discussing with him about our next move in the campaign, I stepped outside for some fresh air.
I looked one way and saw O’bryn chasing after a group of middle-aged whores. Typical O’bryn.
I looked the other way and saw Lugo chasing after some younger whores, shouting “blood!” and the whores running from him in terror. Poor Lugo.
I contemplated stopping the whores and explaining Lugo’s intentions, but I decided to let it play out. I am a horrible wingman, aren’t I?

I settled in for the night, far from the whorehouse. I did not want to stay anywhere near that place. Besides, I have just met a wonderful young woman….

In the morning, I scavenged around the headquarters of the Lusotanan garrison. I looked into a trunk and found a map. It was quite interesting and very colorful. It looked like a map of the world.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/theworld.jpg

I showed it to Dejotaros. He took interest in it too. And so did Kyros. He said that he found a similar map when he was serving with the Getai.
Then Flynnyn showed up and started babbling about it being evidence of UFOs. Cian ran in, punched Flynnyn in the gut, took the map, looked at it, and then ate it.
“I needed to erase the evidence.”

I'm starting to wonder if everyone is going insane….

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/situationsummer236.jpg

[gamegeek2]

:smash::smash::smash::smash::smash:

[Hotseat_User]

Amazing chapter, the one with the lenses - I laid down. Keep it up.

[Ophiokhos]

Great humour, keep it up.

[Hooahguy]

...
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chapter14.jpg

After we took Oxtraca, Barae came from Tyde to visit us. He looked very sick, but he insisted on visiting the troops and his heir, Dejotaros.
He went to bed early because he was feeling worse than usual.
In the middle of the night, I heard a horrid bout of coughing coming from the King’s chambers.
I, along with Kyros, Dejotaros, and Lugo, ran to him.
The Bren spoke to me.

“Casey, I think the gods want me back. I won't survive the night, and I would like to tell you what a great concubine you were.”
“My Bren, you are mistaken; I am Casey your bodyguard.”
“Oh, sorry Casey, my bad.”
“Is that it, my Bren?”
“No Casey, that is not all. I want you to know I was honored to have you as a bodyguard for all these years. Kyros, and Lugo, you two are also the finest men I had serve under me. And Dejotaros, remember what I taught you, and do not be afraid to make hard decisions.”
By this time, not a single person in the room had dry eyes. Lugo was so upset that he sat in a corner and cried for the rest of the night.
The Bren continued,
“To all of you, serve well, fight well, and do not forget that you are a Casse! The finest men in the world!”

With that, our Bren passed from this world.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/baraedead.jpg

The Casse nation observed seven days of mourning for our Bren.
On the eighth day Dejotaros was crowned Bren.
Argoros, an up-and-coming young man from Bringhamton, was chosen the heir.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/newheir-2.jpg

Now that things were back to normal, we turned back to our Iberian campaign.

Bren Dejotaros met with us for the next move.
The new general, Mwgoon, was itching to get into combat, so we sent him to take Sucum-Murgi, the new capital of the Lusotanan. My posse and I, along with Cian’s unit, tagged along for the ride.

En route, he was attacked by a medium sized army.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/battlecommences.jpg

The terrain was very hilly, more than usual. I have a feeling that this battle will tire our men out very quickly.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/hilly.jpg

Mwgoon had placed the slingers and Caledonians in the front of the line. After delivering a few volleys, they fell back.

All along the line, fierce fighting erupted.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/axmenattacking.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/enemyelitecavalry.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/onaslant.jpg

For a while it was a stalemate, but then a lucky hot by a Kluddoboro took down the Lusotanan general.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/enemygeneraldead-12.jpg
(an insanely lucky screenshot by me)

Cian came to me later and said that he was considering rewarding the man who killed the general.
“Why?” I asked.
“Well, anyone who could’ve taken that swing before me definitely deserves some sort of award.”
“But wouldn’t that show weakness in you?”
“Hmmm, you are right… that mofo is gonna die now!”

Then he stormed off, fuming.
And now I feel really guilty. I think we need to put that unlucky soldier under Witness Protection, can't risk Cian getting to him.

Back to the battle…..

With the death of the enemy general, a general retreat was sounded for the Lusotanan forces. But what started as an organized retreat quickly collapsed into a rout as our men pressed forward.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/generalretreat.jpg

We chased the enemy into the forest…
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/intotheforest.jpg

…Where it quickly became a bloody version of “hide and seek.”
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/hideandseek.jpg

Our men chased down the last routers. During this time Flynnyn reports seeing a UFO, then began weeping. If it was because of Bren Barae’s death or how the UFO didn't take him with them, we won't know. But I really hoped that they would just hurry up and take him already, he’s getting really annoying.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/lastrouters.jpg

After the battle, I looked over the field of conflict. Bodies as far as the eye could see. Then I felt something squish underneath me as I took a step forward. I looked down and realized I was standing on a dead soldier’s bloody chest. I recoiled in horror, as I saw his hollow eyes and face contorted with pain staring back at me. I ran as fast as I could back to my unit, and then threw up.
When will this awfulness ever end?
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/clearcarnage.jpg

Despite the horrors of the day, it was a clear win for us.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-35.jpg

The Lusotanan survivors fell back to the city. A day later, we put it under siege. A week later, it surrendered without a fight. As Mwgoon and his army in Sucum-Murgi celebrated their first victory, I rode to Dejotaros and his army in Oxtraca, where they were just setting out to go after the next Lusotanan town.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/situationspring233.jpg

[jirisys]

:dizzy2: What happened to the updates? :sad:

~Jirisys (:inquisitive:)

[Hooahguy]

patience, young grasshopper.
'tis finals season!

[Cute Wolf]

good luck Hooah... and don't play EB until the exams are finished :grin:

[Ludens]

good luck Hooah... and don't play EB until the exams are finished :grin:

:yes:

[jirisys]

good luck Hooah... and don't play EB until the exams are finished :grin:

Why not? I do it all the time (ang get A's) :grin:

~Jirisys (Jirisys Einstein!)

[Hooahguy]

because im not smart like you. :clown:

[Hooahguy]

School is over and i now have time to update!

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chapter15.jpg

Dejotaros and his men, along with Lugo, O’Bryn, and me set out for the new Lusotanan capital, Numantia. Yntyn and Cian opted to stay back and party with the rest of Mwgoon’s army after they took Sucum-Murgi. Flynnyn also decided to stay back, because he was still looking for that UFO he claimed he saw during the last battle.

Anyhow, we made the trek to Numantia, where I hear it's a mystical place, full of strange creatures and customs. We shall soon see. As we marched into the province, a wooden sign greeted us. It said “Welcome to Celtiberia: Land of the Roof Fish.” I wonder what Roof Fish are…
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/goingtowards.jpg

The garrison of Numantia met us for battle. They clearly are not the friendly type.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/conflict.jpg

Dejotaros deployed our slingers on the flanks, skirmishers in the middle, and the cavalry on the far flanks. Infantry was, as always, in the center.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/slingersup.jpg

After a dozen or so volleys, the slingers fell back behind the line, as the skirmishers went into action.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/skirmsengaged.jpg

All of a sudden, some Lusotanan medium spearmen went right past our skirmishers on the right flank and began turning around to flank them. Lugo made no hesitation, drew his sword, and charged. The rest of the unit followed suit.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/masscharge.jpg

Our medium swordsmen charged into a group of Lusotanan skirmishers, and quickly hewed them down. After they were done, they joined the fight against the enemy spearmen.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/strongagaintweak.jpg

The Lusotanan commander sent in some light spearmen to help out the spearmen fighting Lugo and his men, and possibly flank them if they could. Seeing this, Dejotaros sent another unit of heavy swordsmen to flank the flankers.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/flankersflanked.jpg

While this was going on, the left flank was pretty quite as our slingers pelted the enemy with stones. Why the enemy never ran forward to engage, we don’t know. Maybe they were content with being bombarded with rocks? After the slingers were down to only ten rocks each, our cavalry charged, routing the Lusotanan left flank.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/cavarlycharge.jpg

The enemy was routing, and we gave chase.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/runningdown-1.jpg

The battle was soon over, and with very light losses.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/results-36.jpg

The city was undefended and we marched right in.
With the defeat of the garrison of Numantia, the Lusotanan had only one semi-large army left.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/lastarmyleft.jpg

But we didn't have to worry about them just yet. Heavy snowfalls mean that it's a two-week march from the nearest Lusotanan camp to Numantia.
We explored the city, and soon found out what Roof Fish were.
Me, Lugo, O’Bryn, and one of Dejotaros’s aides, named Seymour (he was quite fat), went to the city elder and asked. He merely pointed up. There was a can of beer hanging from a string.
The elder said “Do not try to take the object on the string, or you are kaput!”
Seymour laughed. “That’s ridiculous!”
Then he grabbed the can.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/rooffish.jpg
He flew up through the hole in the ceiling and we heard a loud scream. His bones weren't found until the next morning.
We stayed away from anything on a string after that.

We then went to see some local boys playing a game called “Soccer.”
I was about to ask them what “Soccer” was, but O’Bryn stopped me.
“Casey, “Soccer” is what we call “Football” in Briton. The Iberian tribes, under a united league called “Spain,” have a professional team, and they are quite good.”
“Does Briton have a team?”
“Yes, but we don’t like to admit it, because our goalie is so incompetent.”
“Oh.”

The next day Dejotaros came to us with a proposition.
“You three have served your Bren well for the past decade or so. I am granting you three, as well as your three friends back in Sucum-Murgi a month long vacation back in Briton.”

We were overjoyed, but we all thought it was best to stay and help the Bren. He told us not to worry; a cease-fire was in the works with the Lusotanan. Still we insisted that we stay.
“Well, ok, but come back if you change your minds.”
We went outside and saw a two-headed cow being hauled up by some Roof Fish.
We hurried back inside and took up Dejotaros’s offer to take vacation time in Briton.

We traveled to Sucum-Murgi and got Cian, Yntyn and Flynnyn, and headed to Tyde for the boat home.
A month later, we arrived in London.
Things were quite different back home then what we remembered.
It seems like “teatime” is a regular institution here. In the afternoon for about an hour or so, everyone just stops and drinks tea and chats quietly, even soldiers.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/teatime.jpg

How disappointing. I’ll bet that the world will now see us as a dainty, calm and reserved people that wouldn’t hurt a fly. If they only knew whom the Britons used to be….
There is also a holiday in the south called “Well Dressing.” All they do is make wells nice to look at for a few days before the horrid British weather ruins it all. Lame.

We decided to travel north, in the hopes of finding more interesting things to do. And we were right! The people up north are so interesting! There is a thing called “Cheese Rolling,” where you roll a big circle of cheese down a hill and you try to catch it. But it's quite dangerous, for Lugo almost broke his legs. We then participated in Up-Helly-Aa, where we dragged a boat through town and then lit it on fire, making a spectacular bonfire. But the custom does not go very well with the Straw Bear Festival, for we accidentally gave the straw bear third-degree burns. Oops.
Then we came across the best custom of all— Dwile Flonking! We got so drunk from this game that we don’t recall what the rules are, but all we remember is that it involves a lot of beer and no Roof Fish.

[Cute Wolf]

Geez... another funny updates from Hooahguy... :thumbsup:



Why not? I do it all the time (ang get A's) :grin:

~Jirisys (Jirisys Einstein!)

and then, don't whine about exams now, do the skinning :whip:

[jirisys]

Geez... another funny updates from Hooahguy... :thumbsup:




and then, don't whine about exams now, do the skinning :whip:

I didn't play EB this time, i studied because... idk... i wanted to get and A+:grin:

~Jirisys (for a leader you have a lot of pacience:clown: (so much you haven;t told me precisely what you want me to do:clown:))

[gamegeek2]

jirysis, join our mod instead! Rawr!

btw, great update!

[Rahwana]

jirysis, join our mod instead! Rawr!

btw, great update!

* Whipping Cute Wolf to sent the order...
Darn, we have such reckless mod leader....

[Cute Wolf]

ok ok, actually I'm just too busy reskinning them myself, now I allready sent Jiri's order.... please don't mad with me Sonic :bow:

[Nyz]

jirysis, join our mod instead! Rawr!

Hmm Jirsys... Gamegeek also a slavemaster.....:laugh4:

[Hooahguy]

lets keep the chat related to the AAR, shall we? :clown:

[Hooahguy]

-
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/chapter16.jpg

After a few days of merrymaking, I went home, as did the rest of the guys. To my surprise, there was a government official at my house.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
The official said “The gold well in your backyard decided to take a Bank Holiday. As of now are whipping the well in hopes that it will begin spurting gold again.”

I have such faith in our government.

I went inside the cottage I used to call home. My brother and his wife were there.
“Where’s Mom and Dad?”
“Dead. While you were out conquering Iberia.”
“How?”
“I’ll assume you are familiar with the thing called “bog snorkeling?”
“Oh no! Did they drown in the bog?!”
“No, I just wanted to know if you knew what it was. Mom and Dad died of old age.”

Later, I came across Denica, my old sweetheart from before I deployed. She looked very beautiful (and was still single, for some reason), and we began talking, catching up on old times. It wasn’t long before things got hot and heavy. I would go into more detail but I don’t want to break forum rules.

I woke up the next morning with her in my bed. We got up, got dressed, and then realized that we just technically got married. We hurried to the local druid and made it official. We spent the rest of the day together by the lake, talking and having a good time. It was such a shame that I was redeploying to Iberia the next day.

That evening all the guys met at a tavern in Ictis, the evening before we get on a boat to go back to Iberia to rejoin Dejotaros’s army. After the customary cheers, Yntyn rose to speak.

“My friends, this morning I rose with the expectation that I would be rejoining you in Iberia. But at noon, a government courier arrived with the letter that my time in the service is finished. So I have decided not to re-enlist. I have a wife at home, and I want to stay with her and have children. Soldiering is just not my thing. I guess this is my goodbye to you all.”

Cian spoke up.
“I always knew you were a yellow-bellied coward.”

Kyros intervened.
“Cian, shut up. Yntyn, we are all very happy for you, and we wish you best of luck in civilian life!”

There were congenial nods around the table, and then Yntyn spoke again.
“I wish you all luck in Iberia in defeating those Lusotanan bastards, and stay safe you guys. Hopefully we will be able to get together again on your next leave!”

And with that, Yntyn toasted the rest of us, downed his mead, and then walked out of the tavern and out of our lives.

“Can't say I’ll miss the yellow-bellied coward,” Cian said.
“I agree, Flynnyn said, “he refused to believe in UFOs!”

The next morning the group, one short, headed to the docks. We all had roaring headaches, especially Cian, who drank more than usual. He claimed that he was drinking to the fact that Yntyn left and there was one less coward in the army, but I swear to you, when Yntyn walked out that door, I saw tears in Cian’s eyes.

We arrived back in Iberia in late spring of 230 BCE. We got back to Dejotaros. He told us that we are going after Arse.
“Yes sir, I know we are going after some butt-kicking, but where are we going to do it?” asked Kyros.
“We are going to Arse.” Dejotaros replied.
“Sir, I know we are going after ass, but WHERE?!”
“No you idiot! There’s a city called “Arse” that is occupied by the Lusotanan and we are going to take it!”
“Oh.”

The whole bunch of us, minus Flynnyn (He was very sick with the measles so he couldn’t come with us. Of course, Cian had to comment how he really belonged in the psych ward) joined the army heading towards Arse. Not long after we crossed the border, we were intercepted by a medium sized army.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/onthewaytoarse.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/battle1-1.jpg

The enemy presented battle among a large forest. Dejotaros does not like forests very much (“There’s a billion splinters waiting to happen in there” he was once quoted as saying) so he moved us to a clearing, where we could see what was going on and where the enemy were.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/amongtrees.jpg

As the Lusotanan came closer, Kyros and his men had a swell time pelting the heck out of the advancing Lusotanan troops.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/slingersassaulting.jpg

Our Milnaht, always bloodthirsty, led the charge on the Lusotanan lines.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/minahtstart.jpg

But the Lusotanan commander stretched his line out so it would snake out and they could wrap the flanks around us.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/heavycombat.jpg

Cue Cian and his men.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/swordsmenflank.jpg

Some Gallic mercenaries helped us by hitting the enemy from behind.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/mercenarieshelp.jpg

Not long after the massive battle in the center (among trees, ironically) went our way and soon the battle was in our hands.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/fleeingmen.jpg

Cian, Lugo, and their respective units were able to trap the last routing unit, which almost got away.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/routerstrapped.jpg

The battle was won with only 84 fatalities on our side.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/resultsoffirst-1.jpg

We were also able to capture a few men.
We asked them where they were from, and they said Arse.
Kyros could help but ask “If your city is called Arse, what do you call your buttocks?”
“Our Numantia.”
We could help but laugh.
Later the captured men were sent home on the grounds of unbounded ridiculousness.

We soon got to Arse and put it under siege. Soon after that, a very small force (two units- a unit of spearmen and a unit of skirmishers) came to somewhat relieve the garrison. It wasn’t much, but the garrison came out anyways to help. This was the chance we were waiting for, to wipe out the enemy garrison without having to storm the city itself.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/battleforarse.jpg

We deployed under a bright sky, and in view of the lovely Mediterranean Sea.
The small enemy army came at us from the north. Arse was to the south-west so we assumed the garrison would come from there, and Dejotaros set up accordingly. But the garrison snuck through the woods and came from the north-west. We were being flanked.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/majorlyflanked.jpg

Dejotaros had to think fast. He quickly moved the line to face the garrison while he sent two units of slingers and O’Bryn’s unit of Caledonians to deal with the small relieving army. But to do so everyone had to double-time it.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/rushing-1.jpg

The main lines collided, then separated into two fights— one on the left and one on the right.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/linescollide-leftflank.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/linescollide-right.jpg

During the fighting, the enemy general began to wade through, but hung back far enough so there wasn’t a huge chance of him dying. Lugo, after he and his unit sent a unit of Lusotanan spearmen fleeing towards the hills, saw this, and they charged. A unit of mercenaries saw this too and charged as well. It was now a race to see who could get to the enemy general first.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/milnahtcharging.jpg

Lugo won. Just before the mercenaries made contact, they saw two enemy units move up to protect the enemy general, so the mercenaries fell back. But Lugo and his men were not wimps, so they charged straight into the enemy mass.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/milnahtagainstgeneral.jpg

Our axmen, after cleaning up some Lusotanan skirmishers, charged in to help.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/axemenhelping.jpg

More and more men joined the fight as the rest of Lusotanan army crumbled and fled. Dejotaros sent in our spearmen, who were fresh, to help.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/spearmengoingtohelp.jpg

Even the mercenaries got courage and went around to the back and flanked the enemy.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/generalflanked.jpg

We had encircled them— well almost.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/bigmass.jpg

Someone got lucky and killed the enemy general.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/enemygeneraldead-13.jpg

The enemy remnants broke and ran, and we hunted them down, leaving very few men left.
The battle was over and Arse was ours.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/resultsofsecond-1.jpg
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/arseisours.jpg

After the battle, I went looking for all my friends. I found Lugo and Kyros, but I could not find O’Bryn. I asked his friends. No one had seen him. I looked at the bodies of any Caledonian who had fallen. It was hard because of the tall grass, but a cursory look yielded no body either, which was a small relief. But we were worried.

Dejotaros came by and asked what was wrong.

“Sir, O’Bryn is MIA.”

[Rahwana]

Later, I came across Denica, my old sweetheart from before I deployed. She looked very beautiful (and was still single, for some reason), and we began talking, catching up on old times. It wasn’t long before things got hot and heavy. I would go into more detail but I don’t want to break forum rules.

I woke up the next morning with her in my bed. We got up, got dressed, and then realized that we just technically got married. We hurried to the local druid and made it official. We spent the rest of the day together by the lake, talking and having a good time. It was such a shame that I was redeploying to Iberia the next day.

LOL! :laugh4: :grin:
Do the druids bless the marriage too?

[Ibrahim]

We were met by the garrison commander and his bodyguard. He had a funny accent, sounded very Gaul-ish. Makes me wonder where the Lusotanan are getting their soldiers. We made short work of the garrison commander and his bodyguard. Incidentally, most of them were vets of the previous battle.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/againstcavalry.jpg

There was also a report of a soldier who went insane while fighting, saying such nonsense like “git some” over an over while mercilessly hacking at the Lusotanan. I'm beginning to worry that the fighting is getting to some people’s head.

Our men ran to the town center, and found little resistance.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/nohope-1.jpg

We hacked down all those who resisted. Oxtraca was ours.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/cheering-2.jpg

Dejotaros made a policy of no looting, and tried to keep order as much as possible. But it was hard to control the men after they found the local brothel. Dejotaros, quite by coincidence (or so he claimed) put his headquarters right across the street from the brothel. After discussing with him about our next move in the campaign, I stepped outside for some fresh air.
I looked one way and saw O’bryn chasing after a group of middle-aged whores. Typical O’bryn.
I looked the other way and saw Lugo chasing after some younger whores, shouting “blood!” and the whores running from him in terror. Poor Lugo.
I contemplated stopping the whores and explaining Lugo’s intentions, but I decided to let it play out. I am a horrible wingman, aren’t I?

I settled in for the night, far from the whorehouse. I did not want to stay anywhere near that place. Besides, I have just met a wonderful young woman….

In the morning, I scavenged around the headquarters of the Lusotanan garrison. I looked into a trunk and found a map. It was quite interesting and very colorful. It looked like a map of the world.
https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/theworld.jpg

I showed it to Dejotaros. He took interest in it too. And so did Kyros. He said that he found a similar map when he was serving with the Getai.
Then Flynnyn showed up and started babbling about it being evidence of UFOs. Cian ran in, punched Flynnyn in the gut, took the map, looked at it, and then ate it.
“I needed to erase the evidence.”

I'm starting to wonder if everyone is going insane….

https://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa73/hooahguy14/situationsummer236.jpg


dude, animal mother references = pure win :balloon2:

[Qvintvs]

:laugh4:Heey... Hooahguy... did ouusethe "Hooahguy, you`ve used this joke again?!" joke again?!

[Hooahguy]

:laugh4:Heey... Hooahguy... did ouusethe "Hooahguy, you`ve used this joke again?!" joke again?!

i dont think so, why?

[Qvintvs]

Why not?

My mind must be letting me down....

[Hooahguy]

well if you use a joke too often it gets boring.

[Cute Wolf]

please continue with moar! :grin: :thumbsup:

[Qvintvs]

Okay, now that about my mind letting me down - to my disappoitment, after I returned from a vacation, i found out out that my memory has really worsened. It must have been so hot there that a part of my brain has fried.

[Hooahguy]

Im very sorry Qvintvs-
Things have been very busy here, Ive all but forgotten about this AAR, my deepest regrets. Its still on tab for me, Im definitly going to continue it, but for now its on hold.
So sorry.