The ever there... Step mother...

[Veho Nex]

So... This is a rant and what the heck do i do, and was i wrong in how i acted post. This is all done from memory, I'm repeating the dialog as best as possible.

This evening at dinner, I sit down with nothing but the thought of bearing through it and trying not to get into a fight with either my dad or his choice of a wife. My dad explains to me as i enter the dining room, "Jake, we got some trout tonight." Sweet! I think happily to myself. Trout is one of my favorite foods, well.. Most fish is. Anyways as I sit down he fills me in on how this fabulous meal came to be. "Linda caught a bunch when we went camping this weekend. Its some good stuff too, Mmmm Hmmm." (Yes my dad actually talks like that.) "Mmmm Looks good. Yes I heard you caught a lot of fish this weekend Linda. Smells good too." came my quick reply.

I am just starting to really enjoy eating my dinner in a nice peaceful environment of light dinner conversation, the usual, "How was your day?" or "Learn anything new in class?" Then a seemingly harmless question comes up from Linda, a trap... it must be. "So Jake, what are your plans for the future?" I now had two choices, a sarcastic remark, "Well one day i hope we can goto the stars and explore space." or a serious response of, "I'm not really sure, I'm pretty sure I plan on going to school during this upcoming semester." I choose the latter. Bad choice I think... "So," Linda replies, "Where are you planning on living?" I sat for a while and contemplated the question, I choose what seems like the most harmless response. "I'm thinking about going back to my moms house and continuing school there." Linda is quick on the reply, it's like she planned this out. "How come you want to go there?" I've gotta be quick on my feet and diffuse what could be a catastrophic event. "I just don't get as stressed out when I am living with my mom. She is a lot more lenient about work and chores. As long as I'm going to school, she is fine with me not working."

The wrong answer....

"So you are saying you get stressed more here?"

"To an extent."

"So I am the cause of your stress." It was a statement... Not a question. I keep thinking where I went wrong. How could I have let this conversation get so out of control.

"No, no... I am not saying that. I'm saying that I get stressed out easier here, I don't know why but its not just (Worst word choice ever.) because of you, i get stressed from a lot of things around here, mike (friend), dad... Joe(brother) on occasion." I automatically knew i screwed the pooch. "So you are saying I stress you out!?!" She is staring intently at me and I can tell this is not going to end well. "No, like I said, I just get stressed out easier when I'm here. It's the atmosphere and ambiance of this city and house." All that is immediately directed at her some how. I don't know how I can pull a stupid mistake like that. I try to talk my way out of this before she can respond, "It's just... The less minor rules there are for me to break the more relaxed I tend to be. When I'm worried about the fact that I will have something for lunch hoping it won't cause a fight stresses me out. 'Nd when I get stressed out I sometimes lose control of what i say or what I do. The less stress there is the less of a chance for me to get mad and stab someone."

Wrong wording... Again.

"Well I'm done, please excuse me, I don't want to get stabbed." She is on her feet and walking away. F word... I know im going to get it from my dad now, but just before he starts in on me Linda comes back to continue this... "Conversation"

She starts this fake crying. "Do you know how hard it is to have you come home every day and hide yourself away in that room? Do you know how bad it makes me feel that when I ask what you would like for dinner that you just..." She makes a fart noise and sticks her tongue out, "... and blow me off. Do you know how much I care for what you do and the fact that you are in school and not just being a bum at your moms house?" All I can do is stare at this spectacle she is making and wonder what my dad sees in this women. "Every day, I come home and you are in that room, it makes me sad, I feel horrible." This is gone on too long, I just say it, " I'm sorry, I try not to cause anyone to feel bad about stuff I do. I'm truly sorry about how I make you feel." It doesn't work... maybe I wasn't sincere enough. She continues, "Do you know how much it hurts me to come home and have to cook food for you? When you lived with your mom your dad and I had a simple dinner every night. Since you are an early twenties... No late teens kid you are still growing and you need nutrition to help keep you going." I try to compromise but it gets blown aside. I try and make a statement about how I know that they perceive me as lazy since I do not work and I don't pay for anything around the house. I try to be reasonable. Doesn't work.

She continues to complain about how I make life miserable, and I try my best to remain calm. It's getting very hard and my dad sees this. He gets up and says thank you for dinner and starts clearing the table. I quickly finish my trout and get up as well. I grab what I can and make my way toward the kitchen but Linda bars the way. She asks me what I'm planning to do and I'm done being civil. "Well..." I begin, "I'm planning on doing the dishes then making you more annoyed by going to my room. Is that alright with you?" She makes some snide remark and starts walking away. Stupid me, I just couldn't let this one go. "I know I am just an ignorant teenager and that I have no idea what the 'real" world is like. I know I've never been homeless or had to worry about where my mother might get our next meal, just an ignorant teenager."(Historical note: I've been homeless before, it was only for 6 months, but I have been to the extreme poor.) She turns around and blocks the door again, "I never said that! Those are your words not mine!" I say, "Well what you said about me was a metaphor for my being immature and ignorant, its a synonym of sorts." Before she can respond I say, "I need to do dishes now, please let me through."

I think I'm safe, I think in the solitude of my doing dishes she will leave me alone. She steps outside for a second and I think she cant hear me I ask my dad, "Am I being intrusive? I try to let you guys live how you do when I'm not here. I say my hello's and good byes like a civil member of the family, how do I not receive the respect?"

My dad looks at me then quickly over my shoulder, Linda is right behind me and say, "I know you hate your mother and she stresses you out, I know how much you hate it there." I look at her and respond as quickly as I can, "Whoa! Hold on a minute? I hate my mother? I... HATE... MY... MOTHER?!?" I'm quickly losing control over my emotions and if I say what I want to it will severely hurt my father feelings. I try and hold it in as best as possible. My dad begins to usher her out of the kitchen so that I don't do anything stupid.

I'm just about done with the dishes when Linda comes back. "I know I'm just a *b word*, and cant do anything right. Just a *b wo-" I cut her off, I don't want to fight and this is reaching its tipping point, its now or never. "Linda... Quiet, I am stopping this conversation right here, right now. As soon as I'm done with these dishes I'm going to go cool off in my bedroom.






As I was typing this my dad told me I did well to keep myself from yelling at her, so I hope I don't regret this later on.

[Beskar]

Well, it looks like your father knows it is her. She is afterall, just a *b word*.

[Hooahguy]

Well, rest easy in the fact that in my opinion, you overall acted reasonably. You gave truthful replies and said what you really felt and she was a :daisy: for blowing up and not saying something like, "why do I make you stressed out and how do we fix this."

[CountArach]

Alright I haven't read through the whole thing, but this struck me:

I've gotta be quick on my feet and diffuse what could be a catastrophic event. "I just don't get as stressed out when I am living with my mom. She is a lot more lenient about work and chores. As long as I'm going to school, she is fine with me not working."
The comparison there was not diffusing a catastrophic event.

[Veho Nex]

Alright I haven't read through the whole thing, but this struck me:

The comparison there was not diffusing a catastrophic event.

Defuse. Typo on my part, was kinda irritated when I wrote taht.

[pevergreen]

You did well to control yourself.

I would have been somewhere along the lines:


"So I am the cause of your stress." It was a statement... Not a question. I keep thinking where I went wrong. How could I have let this conversation get so out of control.

Me: Are you :daisy: serious? How the :daisy: did you come to that conclusion? Talk about a :daisy: rigged question.

I would have then stood up.

Thank you Linda and dad for the meal, now if you'll excuse me, I'll be off.

If she interrupted, would be a lot more swearing.


I'm very slow to anger, but when someone is asking for it like that, and having read previous stuff (and what actually followed), I feel that what I would do in the hypthothetical situation was justified.

[CountArach]

Defuse. Typo on my part, was kinda irritated when I wrote taht.
It wasn't the typo I was talking about. I mean the comparison to your mother would only have lead her to be irritated.

[Veho Nex]

I dont know why I thought that bringing up the fact that my moms house is a low stress environment would calm the situation down. I just did.

[Fragony]

That is one evil step-mom you have there.

[naut]

Dude. Just don't say anything. You dug yourself into a hole. Don't try talk your way out of the situation, pre-empt it with a shrug and topic change.


"So," Linda replies, "Where are you planning on living?"

I sat for a while and contemplated the question, I choose what seems like the most harmless response. "I'm thinking about going back to my moms house and continuing school there."

Linda is quick on the reply, it's like she planned this out. "How come you want to go there?"

I've gotta be quick on my feet and diffuse what could be a catastrophic event.

I assume you were there last semester yes? Then say:

"Well, I want to see my old friends, and switching school at this stage of my life doesn't seem like a wise decision. I mean, I'll get my best results in a school environment I'm used to and familiar with."

Sure she sounds like a :daisy:, and she personalised the situation, but you went with it. Sorry. But, you'll need to practice diffusing and avoiding those sorts of situations. ~:pat:


It wasn't the typo I was talking about. I mean the comparison to your mother would only have lead her to be irritated.
Exactly. She sounds like a drama queen, thriving of this sort of situation. You just need to be quicker on your feet.

[Togakure]

I dont know why I thought that bringing up the fact that my moms house is a low stress environment would calm the situation down. I just did.
You were being honest without considering her point of view and how she would likely take the comment--an innocent mistake. I've made similar ones plenty of times. Sadly, open honesty isn't always the best policy.

I'm impressed by your ability to describe the situation so well in writing. I'm also impressed that you didn't lose it, that you took a "diplomatic" approach. I would have likely handled it quite differently, however. I'm an "active assertive" personality (see what I did there?! :P ), have no problem with confrontation, and would likely have engaged her the moment she posed the "set up" question, saying something like: "Hmm. An interesting question, Linda. Where exactly do you intend to take this conversation? Is your question really about me, or is it actually about how my presence here interferes with the kind of life you would prefer with my dad? Without me around?"

Of course, this approach would ignite the situation and I don't recommend this path unless you are ready to accept any potential consequences. I'm just not one to play games like that. A lot would depend on your dad and your relationship with him. Based on what you've written it's not very clear how he feels about all of this. He's the pivotal player in the little game you describe. How he feels and is willing to act is key.

Good luck man. Sounds like a challenging situation (and hauntingly familiar to me; I resolved mine by getting out on my own asap. Sadly, "family" ain't what it used to be, and there's nothing like being your own boss on the home front.

[Andres]

"Hmm. An interesting question, Linda. Where exactly do you intend to take this conversation? Is your question really about me, or is it actually about how my presence here interferes with the kind of life you would prefer with my dad? Without me around?"



I think Masamune hit the nail on the head.

Don't worry too much about what you said or didn't say or about what you did or didn't do that night, Veho. Your stepmom wanted to make some good drama, nothing you would have said or done would have changed much. Some people can be like that.

I hope this was just a bad hair day for you stepmom and that this doesn't become her usual behaviour towards you.

I think you should have a civilised face to face talk with your stepmom, without your dad being around, if only to learn what her true intentions are.

Anyway, best of luck. Situations like these are always difficult, for all parties involved.

[Secura]

I'm going to throw a female opinion in here, take it with a pinch of salt if you wish Veho, but personally, I don't think you could have handled that situation any worse without totally losing your cool and physically attacking her.

In fact, the only part I feel I could commend you on was that you ended the argument on your own terms and left her, and yourself, to cool down, which was actually the only adult thing you did; everything that preceded and led to that outcome was just a train-wreck from start to finish, and I'm surprised that your father allowed the pair of you to tear strips off one another for what seemed quite an amount of time. It's obvious that he's the one who's truly hurting here, and it's clear that he doesn't really want to lose either of you, but the level of animosity here seems to indicate that might just happen.

Just what is it about your step-mother that means you cannot get on with her?

[naut]

I'm going to throw a female opinion in here, take it with a pinch of salt if you wish Veho, but personally, I don't think you could have handled that situation any worse without totally losing your cool and physically attacking her.

In fact, the only part I feel I could commend you on was that you ended the argument on your own terms and left her, and yourself, to cool down, which was actually the only adult thing you did; everything that preceded and led to that outcome was just a train-wreck from start to finish, and I'm surprised that your father allowed the pair of you to tear strips off one another for what seemed quite an amount of time. It's obvious that he's the one who's truly hurting here, and it's clear that he doesn't really want to lose either of you, but the level of animosity here seems to indicate that might just happen.

Just what is it about your step-mother that means you cannot get on with her?
What she said. :yes:

She set up a situation to attack you in, but, try to pre-empt it, or deflect it. You got drawn into the situation, which is half the problem.

[Secura]

I didn't mean that to come across as harsh or anything, it's just that I see a woman who's trying hard to identify with her step-child and you're barely giving her the time of day; she doesn't want to get rid of you, Veho, she wants you around... more than likely for your father's sake, but maybe (just maybe!) because she wants to be like a normal family.

I know what it's like trying to get along with new family members, as I've only just been told I have a half-brother and I've now got nine years to catch up on... problem is, I can't really stand the little guy's family, but I think it's better to put up with the bad stuff to keep the ones who really matter (in my case, my half-brother, and in yours, your dad) happy and a part of our lives, wouldn't you agree? :3

[Rhyfelwyr]

This thread reminds my of how my mum acts with my brother. They always act polite but have all these ***** undertones and end up arguing and then falling out and sulking etc.

I have zero tolerance for **********. I'm civil enough, but if I hear ****** undertones, I call on them and give a straight answer. I like my approach much better to my brother's, a good example to compare them is when we both get moaned at about who we hang out with.

He hangs out with people who are more into partying and that whole scene, so when my parents confront him about this he always tried to defend himself and his friends, will attack my parents views, and it ends up in a big flame war plus he has a temper so he will get violent sometimes.

On the other hand, I've never really fitted in with all the happy successful student types at Uni, so I just hang out with local people I know from school who are mostly Neets (not in education, employment, or training). If they confront me about it, I'll just say "yeah I know you don't like them but they're not going to affect me or my studies, if you think they will then I'm not going to argue about it, we'll just wait and see". 3 years in and I'm still on track for a first, with half my final degree exams done.

They sometimes also hassle me about things like my OCD, but I just lay things down as I see them and won't argue further. I just take the attitude that if people don't like these things about me, then I'm not going to justify it to them or change for them, at the end of the day they just don't like me. It's their problem not mine.

To bring it back to the OP, it sounds like you should just take this attitude with your stepmother. If she genuinely wants to be like a more normal family, it would be nice to try and compromise with her. If she just doesn't like you, then just ignore her. Then there will only be a problem if she starts stealing your stuff or something, when she starts intruding on your private business then that is an issue.

[Fragony]

Screw nice, 'what are you going to do with your life' + 'where do you plan doing it' = 'get the hell out of here'. I would absolutely seek the confrontation and let things totally get out of control. Why are you the one who has to be the wisest? Your dad should be. If someone hits you break their face. Never be nice to people who are out for you it just encourages them.

[pevergreen]

I didn't mean that to come across as harsh or anything, it's just that I see a woman who's trying hard to identify with her step-child and you're barely giving her the time of day;

I read it quite the opposite.

How interesting.

If you're looking to avoid, you're best doing what Masumane/Rythmic (:tongue:) say. Its a good skill to have.

Cue a Rocky-esque training montage?

[Moros]

Personally when arguing with women, I tend to take on an overly calm and stoic manner of dealing with them and the discussion. Use overly rational agruments and remind them that the goal of a conversation/discussion should be either being constructive, finding out a truth or both possibly and that it's only possible in a civil manner and that we should let each speak and make their point clear before the other interrups and that it is only possible by being rational and that emotional arguments have no bearing.

They can't take it. And I love it. Nobody who witnesses or who hears about it can say you did anything wrong with being truthful, rational and calm.

In the end even they calm down and run out of momentum and arguments. Most of the times arguments end up with them just repeating that I'm wrong but they can't back it up anymore or they even admit that I might have been right or atleast partly right. And if I know I'm wrong, I do the same but just add a few tiny as close to the truth lies and it works. And on the rare occasions it didn't work, you were the polite rational guy who can't be blamed on anything and you drove them crazy anyhow. Though I guess it doesn't always solve things, it is rewarding.

[Togakure]

...
They can't take it. And I love it. Nobody who witnesses or who hears about it can say you did anything wrong with being truthful, rational and calm.
...
Indeed! Your post made me laugh out loud with gusto, thanks! You are so spot on.

[Ja'chyra]

I'm going to throw a female opinion in here, take it with a pinch of salt if you wish Veho, but personally, I don't think you could have handled that situation any worse without totally losing your cool and physically attacking her.

In fact, the only part I feel I could commend you on was that you ended the argument on your own terms and left her, and yourself, to cool down, which was actually the only adult thing you did; everything that preceded and led to that outcome was just a train-wreck from start to finish, and I'm surprised that your father allowed the pair of you to tear strips off one another for what seemed quite an amount of time. It's obvious that he's the one who's truly hurting here, and it's clear that he doesn't really want to lose either of you, but the level of animosity here seems to indicate that might just happen.

Just what is it about your step-mother that means you cannot get on with her?

Meh, I think he done ok and she was looking for a confrontation, I only heard one side of a shortened story though. She wouldn't have got away with talking about my mum though.

[Beskar]

-blip-

[Crazed Rabbit]

Your problem is being too frank, I think, and not attempting to deflect her questions in the beginning.

It's clear she was hunting for drama, so you don't want to give any straight or conclusive answers she can use to start any.


So... This is a rant and what the heck do i do, and was i wrong in how i acted post. This is all done from memory, I'm repeating the dialog as best as possible.

This evening at dinner, I sit down with nothing but the thought of bearing through it and trying not to get into a fight with either my dad or his choice of a wife. My dad explains to me as i enter the dining room, "Jake, we got some trout tonight." Sweet! I think happily to myself. Trout is one of my favorite foods, well.. Most fish is. Anyways as I sit down he fills me in on how this fabulous meal came to be. "Linda caught a bunch when we went camping this weekend. Its some good stuff too, Mmmm Hmmm." (Yes my dad actually talks like that.) "Mmmm Looks good. Yes I heard you caught a lot of fish this weekend Linda. Smells good too." came my quick reply.

I am just starting to really enjoy eating my dinner in a nice peaceful environment of light dinner conversation, the usual, "How was your day?" or "Learn anything new in class?" Then a seemingly harmless question comes up from Linda, a trap... it must be. "So Jake, what are your plans for the future?" I now had two choices, a sarcastic remark, "Well one day i hope we can goto the stars and explore space." or a serious response of, "I'm not really sure, I'm pretty sure I plan on going to school during this upcoming semester." I choose the latter. Bad choice I think...

I would argue you have another choice; a non answer. Something like "I'm looking at all my options." or "I'm considering all the opportunities before me." Something that says you're giving consideration to what you're going to do, but you haven't decided yet.


"So," Linda replies, "Where are you planning on living?" I sat for a while and contemplated the question, I choose what seems like the most harmless response. "I'm thinking about going back to my moms house and continuing school there." Linda is quick on the reply, it's like she planned this out. "How come you want to go there?" I've gotta be quick on my feet and diffuse what could be a catastrophic event. "I just don't get as stressed out when I am living with my mom. She is a lot more lenient about work and chores. As long as I'm going to school, she is fine with me not working."

Of course, even a non answer could still lead to her next question about living arrangements. So...you continue with the non answers! I'd recommend more lines like "Well, that would depend on what I decide to do."

Now, it seems she's pushing for drama here, so the non-answers are going to have to come repeatedly from you. And try never to give any hint of a truth that she could use to get angry, like the bit about less stress.

The problem I see with bringing up her intentions, like pevergreen or Masamune is she'll just use the implied accusation to get angry.

You also tried a couple times to correct her misstatements about what you said, like
"So I am the cause of your stress." by trying to clarify what you meant.

If you get in that situation again, I would recommend just saying "No, that is not what I said." Don't try to clarify anything, which could lead to further entanglements.

Now, if you do your best to avoid giving her any ammo or cause to start complaining in the conversation and she still starts the crying and accusations, using Masamune's line about intentions could work.

And remember; it's always important to keep your cool. Being unerringly cool and polite to someone when you want to scream right in their face is an important life skill.


CR

[Secura]

I wouldn't say I've got the situation entirely wrong.

[Rhyfelwyr]

I think the problem with Moros approach is that even though you'll look more mature, it probably wont achieve the result you want. Your goal shouldn't be to win the argument, it should be to end the argument. After all, her goal isn't to win in a serious discussion, her aim was simply to kick things off. So you're aim should be to finish it.

[Gregoshi]

I don't think Secura is entirely off base.


I didn't mean that to come across as harsh or anything, it's just that I see a woman who's trying hard to identify with her step-child and you're barely giving her the time of day; she doesn't want to get rid of you, Veho, she wants you around... more than likely for your father's sake, but maybe (just maybe!) because she wants to be like a normal family.

Veho, the bit where she talks about you spending too much time in your room, if true, may be telling her more than you think. It is hard to be a family when one member avoids the rest. And as a parent it gets you wondering why they are avoiding you. We are facing a similar avoidance situation with my son and his girlfriend. Most of the time (except when there is food on the table), it seems she'd rather not have us around - like she's in a battle with us over "control" of our son. We've never felt that way with most of our daughter's boyfriends. They always spent some time with all of us. The point is, if you are avoiding her, ignoring her questions - or worse - giving one words answers to every question, it starts grating on the nerves and can develop less than motherly thoughts, especially seeing you aren't her son. It would be hard not to take it personally. Of course, not knowing the whole story, makes any advise of questionable value. If the situation is salvagable, trying spending more time out of your room and amongst the family. If you are in the same area of the house, it doesn't mean you have to talk and often isn't required unless she is gabby. Just being in the same room can be a comfort that words cannot provide.

Now, if she is just normally unreasonable as it appears in the event as described, then the calm and cool approach mentioned by others is the way to go - just like the way you ended the discussion. ~:pat: You've got to be the adult and show her a maturity level she lacks. If you blow up, you instantly become the ungrateful, know-it-all teenager that drive parents batty.

Anyway, best of luck to you in handling the situation more skillfully in the future. Er, and leave out things like stabbing in the future. :yes:

[Beskar]

Parents say and do a lot of stupid things, and they want to have conversations where old fuddyduddys don't constant interrupt or ruin them. Let's say talking about some high school gossip, you don't want your parents making random comments, and pretty much being party killers. It is perfectly natural.

My own parents when I was younger were constantly "Why not spend time with us!" all it caused was constant arguments. "I can hear you typing on that keyboard!" "I can hear the television, oooOOOoo", it just constantly steps on eachothers toes.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Avoiding eachother unless it is around dinner, or a enjoyable time out, will foster a better relationship. By staying out of eachothers hair and not stepping on eachothers toes, all the times together are good times. Because of these good times, you love your children more and they love you more. If you are worried about "relationship" due to the lack of time, don't moan at them, it just causes the situation to get worse, invite them to do something enjoyable together, and if they decline, they might simply be busy with homework or something.

It is not the quantity of time spent together, it is the quality.

[Gregoshi]

Parents say and do a lot of stupid things...
Another know-it-all
teenager...
:thinking2:

~;)

[Moros]

I think the problem with Moros approach is that even though you'll look more mature, it probably wont achieve the result you want. Your goal shouldn't be to win the argument, it should be to end the argument. After all, her goal isn't to win in a serious discussion, her aim was simply to kick things off. So you're aim should be to finish it.
"Though I guess it doesn't always solve things, it is rewarding." :pleased:

[Veho Nex]

Thanks everyone for your opinions and insight.


I think the problem with Moros approach is that even though you'll look more mature, it probably wont achieve the result you want. Your goal shouldn't be to win the argument, it should be to end the argument. After all, her goal isn't to win in a serious discussion, her aim was simply to kick things off. So you're aim should be to finish it.

I'll try and end the argument before it gets too heated next time, hopefully it will work better than this most recent approach.


Now, if you do your best to avoid giving her any ammo or cause to start complaining in the conversation and she still starts the crying and accusations, using Masamune's line about intentions could work.

And remember; it's always important to keep your cool. Being unerringly cool and polite to someone when you want to scream right in their face is an important life skill.


This is actually the first time I've kept my head while under fire. I usually lose my cool after a while, and I almost did lose it when she brought my mom into the fight. This is a new approach for me on how to deal with fights with her, it will take me a little while to actually use it to its full effectiveness. It seemed to have an opposite effect on my dad though, he started seeing his wife in a light like, "what the heck?". On the way home from my internship he mentioned that it almost seemed like she was trying to pick a fight. I don't want them to get divorced, though if they did I wouldn't raise a finger to stop it, because she makes my dad happy. Don't know how, don't know why, but she does and to see my dad happy makes me happy.


Screw nice, 'what are you going to do with your life' + 'where do you plan doing it' = 'get the hell out of here'. I would absolutely seek the confrontation and let things totally get out of control. Why are you the one who has to be the wisest? Your dad should be. If someone hits you break their face. Never be nice to people who are out for you it just encourages them.

I can't be mean without losing my cool. I'm not out for blood, just a peaceful and relaxed home environment.


Just what is it about your step-mother that means you cannot get on with her?

I can see what you are getting at here but I couldn't think of any other way to handle it. Blowing up doesn't work and like was recommended before in a previous thread about pretty much the same thing, holding my cool made me seem more mature and made her look bad. Which wasn't my intent, like I said in my original post, I wanted to defuse the situation before it started. I know when we fight it kills my dad to see it and thats why he didn't come between us until she followed me into the kitchen. He doesn't want to look like he is taking sides, which could land him in hot water from either his wife or I.

There isn't truly anything I dislike about her, she is a great cook and is nice when she wants to be. She doesn't like my hobbies or my unknowing on what I want to do in the future. I haven't told either of my parents about the fact that I want to pursue astronomy. I know its bad to keep something like that a secret but I don't like to have them interfere with what classes I'm choosing (mom) or telling me that I should just drop it and do a trade (dad).



"Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Avoiding eachother unless it is around dinner, or a enjoyable time out, will foster a better relationship. By staying out of eachothers hair and not stepping on eachothers toes, all the times together are good times. Because of these good times, you love your children more and they love you more. If you are worried about "relationship" due to the lack of time, don't moan at them, it just causes the situation to get worse, invite them to do something enjoyable together, and if they decline, they might simply be busy with homework or something.

Thats my philosophy on how I deal with my step mother, doesn't work. Neither has totally ignoring her, tried that for three months and it got my dad pissed off. The only thing I've had any results with was just conforming to her will and doing everything she wants me to do, which pretty much means giving up what makes me... well, me. My dad used to have issues about it but he has come to accept it to a point, such as I can't sit on my computer 16 hours a day 5 days a week. I have to be in school and either doing the chores he wants me to do or holding down a job.

[Fragony]

Maybe it's just me but these questions, the tears, I can't shake the feeling that she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your father. I think she wants him for herself.

[KukriKhan]

Maybe it's just me but these questions, the tears, I can't shake the feeling that she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your father. I think she wants him for herself.

Heehee, intra-familial physchodramatic gymnastics FTW.

My self: some woman catches, cleans, dresses, cooks and presents me a good meal... I can put up with whatever she wants to talk about for that half-hour. If I can't find anything nice to say, I'd keep my mouth stuffed with trout. It sounds like the OP has at least 3 full-grown adults bending over backwards to please him - none very successfully, apparently. A clever Lad might find some way to come out ahead in such a situation.

[Rhyfelwyr]

Why do you even need to sit and eat dinner with them anyway? Nobody I know does that, it seems kind of old-fashioned.

If you just attend school and/or try to get a job, then they can't really have anything to complain about when you want to do your own thing.

[Fragony]

Maybe we have a little cultural difference here, but her behaviour is abso:daisy:lutely unacceptable, maybe she really wants to be a mother figure but I don't buy it, her fakeness is in every sentence Veho Nex writes. Even then, t's like kicking in a door when you could have just knocked, really really bad manners where I'm from.

[Andres]

Why do you even need to sit and eat dinner with them anyway? Nobody I know does that, it seems kind of old-fashioned.


Huh?

:inquisitive:

I must be getting old and I'm only 32... My wife and I eat together and our child(ren) will eat toghether with us (once they're old enough that is). Call me old-fashioned, but if you won't even have dinner together, then you're just a bunch of individuals living in the same house, not a family.

:shrug:

[Fragony]

Huh?

:inquisitive:

I must be getting old and I'm only 32... My wife and I eat together and our child(ren) will eat toghether with us (once they're old enough that is). Call me old-fashioned, but if you won't even have dinner together, then you're just a bunch of individuals living in the same house, not a family.

:shrug:

What's so wrong with just living together? People who can do that are family.

[al Roumi]

I think some of you boys need to get out and get some fresh air.

Also, I'm sorry Veho but Secura has a point. Your step-mum probably is trying to get on with you, but not having any kids of her own (big assumption) doesn't really know how to relate to you. Your reticence is completely understandable but healthy relationships are not about 1 person winning over the others, its about compromise and meeting in the middle.

[pevergreen]

Why do you even need to sit and eat dinner with them anyway? Nobody I know does that, it seems kind of old-fashioned.

Its normal in Australia. Dinner time is family time, make small talk, eat a meal. Then go off and do what you want. Its the 30-60 minutes of the day I actually see the rest of my family.


Maybe we have a little cultural difference here, but her behaviour is abso:daisy:lutely unacceptable, maybe she really wants to be a mother figure but I don't buy it, her fakeness is in every sentence Veho Nex writes. Even then, t's like kicking in a door when you could have just knocked, really really bad manners where I'm from.
Agreed.

I think some of you boys need to get out and get some fresh air.

Also, I'm sorry Veho but Secura has a point. Your step-mum probably is trying to get on with you, but not having any kids of her own (big assumption) doesn't really know how to relate to you. Your reticence is completely understandable but healthy relationships are not about 1 person winning over the others, its about compromise and meeting in the middle.

Perhaps, but you know the saying "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family."?
I take that to heart. As soon as school finished, I dropped contact with all those I did not like. From a graduating class of 275, I am in contact with 2.

Veho did not grow up with this woman. His dad brought her in. While I agree he should try to remain civil so the living arrangement doesn't fall apart, I see no fault in his stance.

[Togakure]

... Veho did not grow up with this woman. His dad brought her in. While I agree he should try to remain civil so the living arrangement doesn't fall apart, I see no fault in his stance.
Indeed, this. Civility is important, but it does not mean one must tolerate manipulative behavior or subtle abuse of any kind. That being said, how one deals with such behavior can make or break the relationships between all three. There is much at stake if the relationships are valued.

I've been through this kind of thing with my dad and stepmother and can relate to the situation. We got through it, but we did butt heads a bit at first. Looking back, I think it was necessary in order to establish a proper level of respect on all sides. Once we did, we could effectively "negotiate" with each other.

[Sasaki Kojiro]

I think some of you boys need to get out and get some fresh air.

Also, I'm sorry Veho but Secura has a point. Your step-mum probably is trying to get on with you, but not having any kids of her own (big assumption) doesn't really know how to relate to you. Your reticence is completely understandable but healthy relationships are not about 1 person winning over the others, its about compromise and meeting in the middle.


You can't demand that someone like you, or "meet in the middle" as far as liking you goes. That isn't compromising

[pevergreen]

Looking back, I think it was necessary in order to establish a proper level of respect on all sides. Once we did, we could effectively "negotiate" with each other.

Kind of like a stage where neither of you is really ready to compromise.

[al Roumi]

Perhaps, but you know the saying "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family."?

Veho did not grow up with this woman. His dad brought her in. While I agree he should try to remain civil so the living arrangement doesn't fall apart, I see no fault in his stance.

How strange, I know the same saying, but come out in the oppsite direction: Veho's Dad brought his step-mum in, married her and made her family.


You can't demand that someone like you, or "meet in the middle" as far as liking you goes. That isn't compromising

Regretably, that happens. But you'd hope that with a will to make things work, they can.

[pevergreen]

How strange, I know the same saying, but come out in the oppsite direction: Veho's Dad brought his step-mum in, married her and made her family.

True, it just depends on how you look at it. I take the view that the saying refers to blood ties and that you generally grow up with your family.

[Rob The Bastard]

My thoughts:
Your Step-mother seems to steer the conversation but take any comment you make and turn it into a personal attack...


Sounds like: Relationships Total War (the battle for your Father)


Study the advice of Sun Tzu... it is relevant in more than actual warfare.

Stay calm in the face of provocation.
Your father should respect you more if you don't lose control... don't say anything that can be construed as a threat. Be aware that as you begin to gain territory that your enemy will change to more sophisticated(read devious) tactics.

Your isolationist policies allows your opponent to win territory and freely distribute propaganda against you.
Consider spending more time with your Dad, your step-mother has free lines of communication whilst your avoidance of her decreases yours.

and finally:

The mutual acceptance of each other and your Dads increased happiness is the best possible outcome to this. Work towards this... there may be common ground to be found with your step-mother regarding this.

Regards

Rob.