So... What's the protocol when you find out via facebook that...

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

...the Girl-I-was-not-actually-dating-but-had-a-wierd-non-sexual-relationship-with has just got engaged.

The background to this is: I screwed up royally a little over four years ago and we have had virtually no contact since excpet that we're still friends on facebook. This is someone who I love dearly, who I was never going to marry, who saved me from being borderline-suicidal, and who I can't have any kind of relationship with without us tearing each other to ribbons.

This is also the girl who said I was "not Christian enough".

I knew this was going to happen eventually, I'm mostly glad it did because I want her to be happy, have a full life. Still, something just broke inside me.

Thoughts?

Oh, and yeah - this is why you don't hear much about my personal feelings.

[Rhyfelwyr]

I'm sorry to hear that this has torn you up a bit, philipvs.

When you have a touch of 'oneitis' the best way to get over it is just to remember that there are other girls out there.

I'm gonna seriously advocate that you take ACIN's advice. Hit the gym, lawyer up and delete your facebook account. Absolutely srs.

If you hit the gym and get big girls will notice. And you will become confident because, well, you have something to be confident about. Don't try to look 'ripped' as if you will be hanging out at the beach, we live in the UK so do a big dirty bulk so you look massive with clothes on. I feel so much different from a couple years ago when I was a little 140lbs skinny kid to right now joining the 200lbs+ club.

And delete facebook. What do you gain from it? Probably nothing, you just browse it when you are bored and get hung up on people you used to know hence this thread. All you need is a mobile.

Hopefully you won't be doing anything that means you need to lawyer up, but otherwise it is sound advice.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I see that my wisdom is finally gaining acceptance in the mainstream,

In all honesty, I agree in principle with my typical saying and with Rhy. You are a pretty smart guy PVC and as long as you show that with confidence to the ladies, you will find the right girl for you.

Find some way to gain back your confidence. I wouldn't necessarily say you need to improve yourself physically but it just so happens that hitting the gym hard helps many people with confidence through physical improvement.

Cheer up buddy, we all have such heart breaks from time to time.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

I'm sorry to hear that this has torn you up a bit, philipvs.

When you have a touch of 'oneitis' the best way to get over it is just to remember that there are other girls out there.

I'm gonna seriously advocate that you take ACIN's advice. Hit the gym, lawyer up and delete your facebook account. Absolutely srs.

If you hit the gym and get big girls will notice. And you will become confident because, well, you have something to be confident about. Don't try to look 'ripped' as if you will be hanging out at the beach, we live in the UK so do a big dirty bulk so you look massive with clothes on. I feel so much different from a couple years ago when I was a little 140lbs skinny kid to right now joining the 200lbs+ club.

And delete facebook. What do you gain from it? Probably nothing, you just browse it when you are bored and get hung up on people you used to know hence this thread. All you need is a mobile.

Hopefully you won't be doing anything that means you need to lawyer up, but otherwise it is sound advice.


I see that my wisdom is finally gaining acceptance in the mainstream,

In all honesty, I agree in principle with my typical saying and with Rhy. You are a pretty smart guy PVC and as long as you show that with confidence to the ladies, you will find the right girl for you.

Find some way to gain back your confidence. I wouldn't necessarily say you need to improve yourself physically but it just so happens that hitting the gym hard helps many people with confidence through physical improvement.

Cheer up buddy, we all have such heart breaks from time to time.

I have no interest in the GYM, but being fit and healthy is not a problem for me - I confess I used to be fitter, but it's been a rough year. Also, Rhy, stop measuring your weight in pounds.

Nor do I plan on finding someone.

I'm not giving up facebook either.

If this was a confidence issue that would all be fairly good advice, likewise if this was a jealosy issue.

This is a topic to stop me posting "Congratulations, God bless you both" completely non-ironically on facebook. There is more than one type of love, and in this case it is a love I have to live with and I get no thanks for.

So, now that the soppy bit is out of the way let us consider the implications of modern media. Ten years ago, I would not have this problem, but I would also likely long since have gone mad and either killed myself or started stalking her to satisfy myself she was ok.

As it is, facebook delivers me regular reports regarding her wellbeing, preventing my mind from wandering from one imagined danger to the next.

Obviously, I'm mentally disturbed but I'm also functional because of facebook and the fact that people can broadcast their lives onto it and I'd still be mentally disturbed without facebook.

[rory_20_uk]

After the 7/7 bombings my ex got in touch to check to see if I was OK. And if I had been blinded and had my hands blown off would she have done anything? Probably not. She wanted the illusion of caring. Facebook is only retrospective. Rarely of any use to prevent bad things happening. Few people post "was beaten and raped last night - LOL. Off to the police station..."

Monitoring from afar doesn't help, it prolongs things. In the nicest possible way, speaking as one of many who has trodden this road, get over it and move on. Just be grateful you've not got any baggage linking you to her permanently. E-stalking might be easier in the short term, but helps no one. A break is extremely difficult but things slowly improve.

~:smoking:

[a completely inoffensive name]

I have no interest in the GYM, but being fit and healthy is not a problem for me - I confess I used to be fitter, but it's been a rough year. Also, Rhy, stop measuring your weight in pounds.Nor do I plan on finding someone.I'm not giving up facebook either.If this was a confidence issue that would all be fairly good advice, likewise if this was a jealosy issue.This is a topic to stop me posting "Congratulations, God bless you both" completely non-ironically on facebook. There is more than one type of love, and in this case it is a love I have to live with and I get no thanks for.So, now that the soppy bit is out of the way let us consider the implications of modern media. Ten years ago, I would not have this problem, but I would also likely long since have gone mad and either killed myself or started stalking her to satisfy myself she was ok.As it is, facebook delivers me regular reports regarding her wellbeing, preventing my mind from wandering from one imagined danger to the next.Obviously, I'm mentally disturbed but I'm also functional because of facebook and the fact that people can broadcast their lives onto it and I'd still be mentally disturbed without facebook.Just because your brain is broken, doesn't mean you can be ungrateful to those that are trying to help you and cheer you up.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

After the 7/7 bombings my ex got in touch to check to see if I was OK. And if I had been blinded and had my hands blown off would she have done anything? Probably not. She wanted the illusion of caring. Facebook is only retrospective. Rarely of any use to prevent bad things happening. Few people post "was beaten and raped last night - LOL. Off to the police station..."

Monitoring from afar doesn't help, it prolongs things. In the nicest possible way, speaking as one of many who has trodden this road, get over it and move on. Just be grateful you've not got any baggage linking you to her permanently. E-stalking might be easier in the short term, but helps no one. A break is extremely difficult but things slowly improve.

~:smoking:

I see where you're coming from, I really do, and if she was my girlfriend at some point that would be how I would have handled it. As it is, those memories aren't going anywhere and I have no momento of her which is not a momento of something else. Un adding her on facebook would do no good as we have upwards of maybe 30 friends in common still, including people I actually see and meet up with on occasion, cutting the link with her would just mean getting bits and pieces unless I cut ALL those people out as well.

She's still going to be the one who stopped me being suicidal, and I'm still going to be the one who broke the realtionship almost without help.

Then there's the part where she was instrumental in me coming to terms with believing in God.

It is, after all, all connected.

I'll confess to e-stalking in the past but it has become a vanishing urge - especially over the last year - and as I said, I'm sane enough now to resist writing a congratulary note. Either that would mean nothing to her, so why bother or it would mean something, so why hurt her.

As I said though, without the option of digital stalking I might have taken up actual stalking - which is something I find interesting in and of itself.

Beyond that, I have honestly never been able to have an intimate relationship with anyone in 25 years of life and I don't expect that to ever change. The thing I have to come to terms with is that I'm only interested in women I can't ever have and I'm not able to live with someone else and modify my life accordingly.

So why worry about it?

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Just because your brain is broken, doesn't mean you can be ungrateful to those that are trying to help you and cheer you up.

I'm really not ungrateful, I was just explaining that I'm not looking for that kind of help or advice.

And yes - my brain is really broken, I even have a dent on the left side of my skull to illustrate the point.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Beyond that, I have honestly never been able to have an intimate relationship with anyone in 25 years of life and I don't expect that to ever change. The thing I have to come to terms with is that I'm only interested in women I can't ever have and I'm not able to live with someone else and modify my life accordingly.So why worry about it?This is obviously dysfunctional and not healthy. You should seek professional help in my opinion.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

This is obviously dysfunctional and not healthy. You should seek professional help in my opinion.

Why?

I mean, yes, obviously this is dysfunctional in the sense that I can't function in a relationship but why seek professional help? At the end of the day, far worse men than me enter into relationships, get their girlfriends pregnant then freak out and leave - should they all seek professional help, and if so what proportion of the population should be in therapty/medicated?

[a completely inoffensive name]

Why?I mean, yes, obviously this is dysfunctional in the sense that I can't function in a relationship but why seek professional help? At the end of the day, far worse men than me enter into relationships, get their girlfriends pregnant then freak out and leave - should they all seek professional help, and if so what proportion of the population should be in therapty/medicated?Don't be an idiot PVC. You are smarter than this. You know the fallacy of composition (I think that is the right term) you are throwing out here. Being irresponsible in a relationship as you describe is not the same as admiting defeat in life at age 25.Get help. Why? Why not.

[rvg]

PVC, if you're having trouble finding women, then focus on your career and get rich and successful. At that point they'll be finding you, you'll just need to choose which ones and/or how many.

[HoreTore]

Facebook is for bad humour and posting embarassing pictures of last nights drunkeness.

Nothing else.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Don't be an idiot PVC. You are smarter than this. You know the fallacy of composition (I think that is the right term) you are throwing out here. Being irresponsible in a relationship as you describe is not the same as admiting defeat in life at age 25.Get help. Why? Why not.

No, why?

I'm being charitable if I say I'm a hard man to get on with, certainly to live with. One of my housemates from university (also female) catagorically refuses to speak with me ever. I have plenty of friends, I get on well with people at work, but trying to form that meaningful relationship just always ends in floods of tears.

I mean come on, we're talking about someone here I never actually pursued as a reomantic partner, but I still hurt her so badly she doesn't want me in her life.

For me, personally, it just isn't worth it.

[rvg]

Facebook is for bad humour and posting embarassing pictures of last nights drunkeness.

The pictures that potentially can come back to haunt you decades later.

[Strike For The South]

You sound like an ass

You can wrap it up in all the flowerly, intellctual, hoiler than thou language you want.

You are still an ass.

You know how you rectify this situation

Stop making girls cry

Be nice

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

You sound like an ass

You can wrap it up in all the flowerly, intellctual, hoiler than thou language you want.

You are still an ass.

You know how you rectify this situation

Stop making girls cry

Be nice

I'm sorry, where did I say I wasn't an ass?

Hey, I broke it - I admit that, if you really care I used a combination of not-being-able-to-deal-with-intense-emotions and -I-can't-keep-my-temper-in-check so I'll storm off.

I already said I'm crap at even trying to do meaningful relationships with women, so I no longer subject them to my attempts at intimacy.

As for nice, I'll go one better - I'm generally considered "kind". :stare:

Until I try to be anything more than friends, then evberyone gets hurt. So now I try to get into those situations.

Also, you guys really are hard, eh?

[Strike For The South]

You seemed to have resigned yourself to the situation. I'm not going to try and armchair diagnos you but I will say that when you have multiple examples of you making girls (whom you don't even have sex with) cry it is most likely your fault.

[a completely inoffensive name]

No, why?

I'm being charitable if I say I'm a hard man to get on with, certainly to live with. One of my housemates from university (also female) catagorically refuses to speak with me ever. I have plenty of friends, I get on well with people at work, but trying to form that meaningful relationship just always ends in floods of tears.

I mean come on, we're talking about someone here I never actually pursued as a reomantic partner, but I still hurt her so badly she doesn't want me in her life.

Doesn't this make it apparent that there is something wrong with your logic here? You are not suffering from a systematic mental disorder that prevents you from even communicating with other human beings. You are fundamentally a normal, decent guy with some issues, just like everyone other guy out there. Issues that can be worked out, if you seek help. Your problems don't in any way have to be taken for granted.



For me, personally, it just isn't worth it.

But it really is. By seeking help you may be able to have a healthy romantic relationship in the future. All it takes is to just open yourself with a trusted professional. Hell, you are opening yourself to strangers on the internet, so what is really holding you back from possibly being happier?

[a completely inoffensive name]

At this point, I guess it is none of my business to keep pushing my opinion on you. My maternal instant got the best of me. But I hope everything turns out well for you PVC.

[Rhyfelwyr]

I have no interest in the GYM, but being fit and healthy is not a problem for me - I confess I used to be fitter, but it's been a rough year. Also, Rhy, stop measuring your weight in pounds.

Nor do I plan on finding someone.

I'm not giving up facebook either.

Beyond that, I have honestly never been able to have an intimate relationship with anyone in 25 years of life and I don't expect that to ever change. The thing I have to come to terms with is that I'm only interested in women I can't ever have and I'm not able to live with someone else and modify my life accordingly.

So why worry about it?

So to sum that up... you refuse to change anything, you don't believe anything ever will change, and you are asking why you should worry about that?

Well, first off, you obviously are worried about it. You said yourself it's not good that you've been e-stalking her. The whole point of this thread is that you are feeling hurt. And by who? A girl that you last seen four years ago? That you didn't even have an intimate relationship with?

So what do you want from this thread? Were you just looking for a bit of sympathy, and for us to accept that at 25 years old you're obviously going to spend the rest of your life alone?

Because that idea is, well... crazy. You're a sensible guy and I think on some level you know that and you're just a bit emotional right now.

I know you want advice on this specific case and this specific girl. Like yourself if I made a thread like this I would be frustrated if people focused on telling me how to feel better rather than giving me advice on the actual girl. But that's just because we wouldn't want to accept that she is with someone else and most likely for the long-term. So the best thing you can do really is to a) take you mind of her and b) get your mind focusing on other girls. Those two complement each other.

Your perspective is "why bother" because you are so upset you can't have this girl. But that perspective is simply wrong. Even if emotionally speaking that is how you feel, I think the more rational part of you knows that it is wrong and that you just need to get over her.

For a purely short-term way to take your mind off her, do something. Preferably something that will give you an endorphin rush. Pick up a barbell. Go out on a Friday night and see the pubs/clubs. If you're not into that already, you might shock yourself by finding you enjoy it and comfortable in that environment (me being an example of that). Batter an Englishman for flying the St. George's Cross in the Cornish Free State. idk, just do something other that sitting looking at this girl's facebook.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

You seemed to have resigned yourself to the situation. I'm not going to try and armchair diagnos you but I will say that when you have multiple examples of you making girls (whom you don't even have sex with) cry it is most likely your fault.

You are getting no arguments here - I would say the breakdown of this particular relationship, I use the word generally, was about 75% my fault if not more. The other 25% would be happenstance and me knowing she was lying to me for no apparent reason. I called time, or rather called a break and she rebuffed me later when I approached her, on the basis that we were hurting each other more than anything else.

As I say, that was mutually agreed - but what you may have gathered is I'm bad with other people's emotions, with reading them and understanding them. I know what love, fear, pain, hate, feel like but I don't know when I'm going to make someone else feel like that except by trial and error.

The second girl has issues of her own, I'm calling that one 50/50.

I can't read other people's emotions and I can't express them naturally, so with this particular girl not only did I badly misjudge situations and upset her (for the record, I must have done as much bawling) but I couldn't communicate convincingly.

Ah right, that was why she didn't trust me - she thought I was fake. I blocked that out, that bit hurt.

[The Stranger]

what do you wish to achieve with this thread?

[Rhyfelwyr]

I can't read other people's emotions and I can't express them naturally

Yeah you're male.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

So to sum that up... you refuse to change anything, you don't believe anything ever will change, and you are asking why you should worry about that?

Well, first off, you obviously are worried about it. You said yourself it's not good that you've been e-stalking her. The whole point of this thread is that you are feeling hurt. And by who? A girl that you last seen four years ago? That you didn't even have an intimate relationship with?

So what do you want from this thread? Were you just looking for a bit of sympathy, and for us to accept that at 25 years old you're obviously going to spend the rest of your life alone?

When did you get so grown up - no don't answer that, I don't want to know.

I'll answer the most pointed question first - why did I start this thread.

I started this thread mostly as a distraction, in the short term I needed to express something and get way from that facebook post. In this case, looking back at the mistakes I made then helps to give me perspective on current impulses. The fact the current impulses aren't healthy is another issue.

I tend to keep memories, it's a talent - I don't have many keepsakes or photographs because I don't need them. The downside to this is I'm stuck with the good things as well as the bad.

As I said, I was e-stalking her, the impulse went away once I realised she had a boyfriend, occasionally stuff comes up on the news feed and today it was a picture of her with a ring, a great big sodding one.

Oh, I am in much better humour now, btw.


Because that idea is, well... crazy. You're a sensible guy and I think on some level you know that and you're just a bit emotional right now.

Normally I'd take issue with this on a philosophical level, because there's nothing that says just because most people strive for a family life etc. I can't be selibate because I don't feel equipped for that, but it doesn't really matter for the case in hand.

I'm not going to compare it to being Gay or anything like that, that would not only be tawdry but innacurate. Even so, you're still making a big assumption in assuming a relationship will make me happy.


I know you want advice on this specific case and this specific girl. Like yourself if I made a thread like this I would be frustrated if people focused on telling me how to feel better rather than giving me advice on the actual girl. But that's just because we wouldn't want to accept that she is with someone else and most likely for the long-term. So the best thing you can do really is to a) take you mind of her and b) get your mind focusing on other girls. Those two complement each other.

The urge to murder him when I travel up to [blank] where they are in a couple of weeks has passed thanks, as has the urge to offer congratulations. See, but I know where she is because of mutual friends not e-stalking.


Your perspective is "why bother" because you are so upset you can't have this girl. But that perspective is simply wrong. Even if emotionally speaking that is how you feel, I think the more rational part of you knows that it is wrong and that you just need to get over her.

Well, to be fair, my outlook vacilitates between "why bother" and something slightly more hopeful, but mostly "why bother" - last woman I expressed an interest in made it quite clear she was not going to deal with another Christian amn, thank you very much - so we are just friends.

This particular girl though, there's nothing to get over in the traditional sense. Yes, there was a relationship, officially non-sexual, but not exactly simple either - I got over that, I got over not having her to talk to, though I haven't found an equally sympathetic ear in the last four years, I got over the fact I'll never be able to sleep with her, that was hard because she has/had great legs. Despite all this, I can honestly say I was never actually in love with her - there was a point I thought I was, but I was infact confusing two different emotions and a seperate base attraction.

There's the other stuff though, that isn't going any where.

The sympathetic view I have of people, my tendancy to give people the benefit of the doubt, about 50% of my particular mix of Christianity, the "Christian" bit with the feelings in it... There's my sunny outlook on life, by comparisons, I used to be, "lets join the army and get killed as soon as possible to get it over with."

This isn't about some girl I used ot have a thing for, not really, it's about a friendship I broke with someone who supported me through a very dark period of my life and helped to make me, in many ways, a better and generally happier and peaceful person.

If you want a question to answer, it should be this:

How do you deal with not having someone in your life you honestly thought would always be there? I mean, this isn't about the girl I thought I'd marry, this is about the girl I thought would be talking me down when I got cold feet on the wedding day. Yes, I realise I haven't exactly described it like that, but it wasn't a static relationship, the bad bits just drowned out the good bits despite mostoly being fewer and further between.

That's a much harder thing to cope with., in many way.

You know, even this post can remind me of her, she labled me an "accute self analyst", not that it did me more good then than now.


For a purely short-term way to take your mind off her, do something. Preferably something that will give you an endorphin rush. Pick up a barbell. Go out on a Friday night and see the pubs/clubs. If you're not into that already, you might shock yourself by finding you enjoy it and comfortable in that environment (me being an example of that). Batter an Englishman for flying the St. George's Cross in the Cornish Free State. idk, just do something other that sitting looking at this girl's facebook.

The best short term cure would be for me to go out, get roaring drunk and find a pretty girl a few years younger then myself and seduce her. Not sure how that would pan out in the long term, but it would work in the short term.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

what do you wish to achieve with this thread?

I'm venting - cus you guyz is me broz, innit?


Yeah you're male.

Yeah, by those lights I'm Ubermale - seriously.

[rory_20_uk]

Are you on the Autistic spectrum? I know we all are to a greater or lesser degree, but are you further along than most?

~:smoking:

[HoreTore]

The pictures that potentially can come back to haunt you decades later.

They'll only haunt me if I care.

Besides, if they haven't understood what I'm like after meeting me in person, seeing ymy facebook pics isn't going to do them any good in that regard. After all, what pictures do is document reality. It's not like I change personality on pictures. If they can handle real-life HoreTore, they can handle pictures of me sucking a lamb bone that oddly resemble a penis, with a less than sober facial expression.

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Just wait till you're 35 and then date some other 35 year olds. In the meantime make the most of being single.

I thought you were 30 something already though so what do I know :sweatdrop:

[The Stranger]

I'm venting - cus you guyz is me broz, innit?


allright if thats it :P i think this belongs in the frontroom with all the other girlthreads

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Are you on the Autistic spectrum? I know we all are to a greater or lesser degree, but are you further along than most?

~:smoking:

:shrug: Probably, I've never actually been tested but I definately have a problem with facial expressions, subtle ones at least.

I also don't laugh much, so I'm told.


I thought you were 30 something already though so what do I know :sweatdrop:

Here the internet mirrors real life, where I'm often assumed to be 5-10 years older than I am.

[rvg]

They'll only haunt me if I care.

You might care if the photo ends up costing you a lucrative contract or an executive job promotion.

[PanzerJaeger]

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through so much personal turmoil. If it helps, I have found that most people are more emotionally insecure than they outwardly appear. That being said, you've expressed some fairly extreme feelings and I would concur with ACIN on looking into professional help. Therapy can be very helpful in dealing with such complex feelings. You do not have to live in pain because you are 'uber male'.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through so much personal turmoil. If it helps, I have found that most people are more emotionally insecure than they outwardly appear. That being said, you've expressed some fairly extreme feelings and I would concur with ACIN on looking into professional help. Therapy can be very helpful in dealing with such complex feelings. You do not have to live in pain because you are 'uber male'.

Thank you for your kind words.

While I accept that people here are just being presented with the end of the story and may find it very difficult to understand, this is not simply an extended bout of teenage angst. Nor is it a question of me having suffrered in silence for four years, I have discussed it with several people at my university (which is where this began) including the Chaplain.

The way I feel about this woman and the relationship I had with her is, I'm afraid, something which stems from my larger worldview and excising one would require what I consider an unacceptable rearranging of the other.

[ajaxfetish]

Are you on the Autistic spectrum? I know we all are to a greater or lesser degree, but are you further along than most?:shrug: Probably, I've never actually been tested but I definately have a problem with facial expressions, subtle ones at least.

I also don't laugh much, so I'm told.

It might be worth checking out. My brother-in-law has a mild case of Asperger's. He's high-functioning enough that he made it all the way through high school before his family thought to look into it. Really smart, talented, guy, but very awkward socially. After getting diagnosed, he's gone through some programs that have helped a lot in terms of reading others' emotions and having a better idea of appropriate ways to respond and interact. If it turns out there's nothing there to diagnose, then hooray! If there is something there, you could get some help and maybe end up a lot happier.

Ajax

[Visor]

It might be worth checking out. My brother-in-law has a mild case of Asperger's. He's high-functioning enough that he made it all the way through high school before his family thought to look into it. Really smart, talented, guy, but very awkward socially. After getting diagnosed, he's gone through some programs that have helped a lot in terms of reading others' emotions and having a better idea of appropriate ways to respond and interact. If it turns out there's nothing there to diagnose, then hooray! If there is something there, you could get some help and maybe end up a lot happier.

Ajax

I second this. I hold fears of my brother also having something like Aspergers/slight autism. He's smart enough to be in Uni, and in fact, is. But he is quite awkward socially and is very bad at interpreting language/expressions unless they are blindingly obvious. He's a good guy, but I do wonder sometimes, and so does my girlfriend.

[Strike For The South]

Autism? Aspergers? I know all of us think we are just one doctors diagnoses away from making all of our problems go away but that isn't the case.

People are going to let you down, you are going to let people down. The key is not to lose faith or shut down when this happens. People, all of us are imperfect creatures.

I think you are upset becuase you cared for this woman. I think you are upset becuase you look back in 20/20 hindsight and go over in painstaking detail the mistakes you made. Of course, it seems like now there must be something wrong with you becuase only an idiot would make those mistakes.

I don't think you have some undiagnosed illness. I think you're painfully human. I think you were brought up in the same Nothern European culture the majority of us were and you are conflating these intense feelings with something being wrong.

Pretty girls break your heart bro. Go out have a pint and move on

[rajpoot]

When you said "what's the protocol" I thought you wanted advice on how to go about congratulating her on the wedding. :sweatdrop:

If you don't want to do anything, do this.

Go out have a pint and move on
Then maybe have a few more and buy a pet.

[Husar]

I have a question:

What do you mean by e-stalking? Did you try to hack her Facebook account or look at her profile once in a while?
If she doesn't want you to look at her profile, why would she give you access to it by keeping you in her friends list?

Sometimes I don't get people...

[rory_20_uk]

I certainly do not think that slapping a "medical" tag on something then means one can then blame everything on this, but if one has a clearer grasp of a problem one is in a better idea to do something about it.

I can be extremely cerebral and cold (as most people here are aware). In real life I've leart to dial this down and give answers to questions that are what people want to hear, rather than what I really think. I've not bothered to try and medicalise thid by placing it on some "spectrum" or other but knowing myself in this way helps me interact with others.

Hell, all men do this - "do I look big in this", "don't make a big deal over Valentine's" etc etc. I loathe these double-speak games that stain relationships with women - but it is part of the course. I want a logical argument but have learnt that often one only gets an emotional - mess in reply. But then I am a ENTJ on the Myers Briggs's scale.

There are good sites that also say how knowing oneself and those that one is to interact with helps speak the same "language".

~:smoking:

[HoreTore]

You might care if the photo ends up costing you a lucrative contract or an executive job promotion.

As I said, if those pictures disqualify me, then my personality already would have.

[rory_20_uk]

People do change over time. And acts one commits under the influence of alcohol do not correlate well to what one undertakes at work.

Personally I would be very upset if a picture from years ago should preclude me from getting a CMO post.

That from a theoretical standpoint this should not do so does not alter the practical fact that it can.

~:smoking:

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Autism? Aspergers? I know all of us think we are just one doctors diagnoses away from making all of our problems go away but that isn't the case.

People are going to let you down, you are going to let people down. The key is not to lose faith or shut down when this happens. People, all of us are imperfect creatures.

I think you are upset becuase you cared for this woman. I think you are upset becuase you look back in 20/20 hindsight and go over in painstaking detail the mistakes you made. Of course, it seems like now there must be something wrong with you becuase only an idiot would make those mistakes.

I don't think you have some undiagnosed illness. I think you're painfully human. I think you were brought up in the same Nothern European culture the majority of us were and you are conflating these intense feelings with something being wrong.

Pretty girls break your heart bro. Go out have a pint and move on

Yeah - I screwed this up too bad though.

I know what it sounds like "he's trying to rationalise away the romantic element" but no, I tried to rationalise in a romantic element because she was cute, and hey, everybody wants to find someone right?

Turns out, that was a bad idea - because I couldn't actually offer her anything other than friendship.

Why am I upset?

My friend, someone I love, is getting married and I have to ignore it because I screwed up our friendship in all sorts of ways - and I saw it coming and couldn't stop it, then I did something stupid. I gave her a choice and walked away.


I have a question:

What do you mean by e-stalking? Did you try to hack her Facebook account or look at her profile once in a while?
If she doesn't want you to look at her profile, why would she give you access to it by keeping you in her friends list?

Sometimes I don't get people...

Like I said, it was an intense and complicated relationship - and we never stopped being friends, exactly, we just stopped talking four years ago. I'm not sure either of us actually believed it was permanent.

[Fragony]

Let it go there is no fixing anyway, she is now with somebody else. I am sorry for you that it worked out this way but why persist in hurting yourself musing about what you could have done differently. Get over it, what else can you do

[CountArach]

Sorry to hear that you're so broken up. But you'll do fine, you seem like a really good bloke.

Do you really easily get obsessed with things and people? I know that in my own experience I would get really taken with someone for an extended period of time and even after being rejected etc I would still feel that attachment. It would last until something devastating broke it and then I would just be able to move on. So you may come out of this stronger and more open to being with other people. I would agree with everyone recommending seeing someone about the emotional thing. If you can get help for this then your 'problem' might be mitigated.

[Fragony]

Sorry to hear that you're so broken up. But you'll do fine, you seem like a really good bloke.

Do you really easily get obsessed with things and people? I know that in my own experience I would get really taken with someone for an extended period of time and even after being rejected etc I would still feel that attachment. It would last until something devastating broke it and then I would just be able to move on. So you may come out of this stronger and more open to being with other people. I would agree with everyone recommending seeing someone about the emotional thing. If you can get help for this then your 'problem' might be mitigated.

You sound like a classical narcist CA, you as well PVC. That is not meant as an insult, it might clear up the sky a little if you seek it out. Look it up and see if you recognise
anything.

From wiki

Q. Is narcissism misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder or autism? Is narcissism misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder or autism? It would seem to me that Bipolar and some forms of Autism are equally likely to be misdiagnosed as NPD.


Good question

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Sorry to hear that you're so broken up. But you'll do fine, you seem like a really good bloke.

Do you really easily get obsessed with things and people? I know that in my own experience I would get really taken with someone for an extended period of time and even after being rejected etc I would still feel that attachment. It would last until something devastating broke it and then I would just be able to move on. So you may come out of this stronger and more open to being with other people. I would agree with everyone recommending seeing someone about the emotional thing. If you can get help for this then your 'problem' might be mitigated.

In my case it's more that I'm naturally suspicious of people because I have trouble reading them, if I do form an attachment it is extremely full on, and it tends to sneak up on me. In this case though, she didn't actually dissuade me from forming an attachment, in fact I'd say she actively encouraged it, until she dumped her then boyfriend and I think suddenly realised we were closer than she was comfortable with.

I mean, this was someone who, once upon a time, we made time for each other to meet up for at least an hour once a week outside of classes etc.


You sound like a classical narcist CA, you as well PVC. That is not meant as an insult, it might clear up the sky a little if you seek it out. Look it up and see if you recognise anything.

Thanks Frag. A real narcissist is a self-lover (steady), it's more likely I'm emotional fixated in general.

[Fragony]

You are just talking about how it is to you, just saying..

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

You are just talking about how it is to you, just saying..

I'm not that self centred, if I was I would be telling you and different story - one which ended with a lot more screaming, then begging, then probably more screaming.


God's honest truth, I feel I screwed this part of my life up, but this part specifically and not my whole life.

[Fragony]

I'm not that self centred, if I was I would be telling you and different story - one which ended with a lot more screaming, then begging, then probably more screaming.


God's honest truth, I feel I screwed this part of my life up, but this part specifically and not my whole life.

These moments, I collect them

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

These moments, I collect them

I collect little metal figures.

What do you collect, my idiot posts or your failures?

I'm genuinely confused.

[Fragony]

I'm not that self centred, if I was I would be telling you and different story - one which ended with a lot more screaming, then begging, then probably more screaming.


God's honest truth, I feel I screwed this part of my life up, but this part specifically and not my whole life.

Sorry bad attempt at comedy

[CountArach]

You are just talking about how it is to you, just saying..
That isn't narcissism, that is introspection.

[Kagemusha]

Towards the initial question. Do what you must in order to get it out from your system. If you cant, time is your friend. It is in the past, so let go of it.

[Greyblades]

So... What's the protocol when you find out via facebook that the Girl-I-was-not-actually-dating-but-had-a-wierd-non-sexual-relationship-with has just got engaged.
Methinks if someone knew for sure they would make a killing in self help books. Make sure you dont do something that makes you think of any episode of Law&Order SVU.

[Husar]

Like I said, it was an intense and complicated relationship - and we never stopped being friends, exactly, we just stopped talking four years ago. I'm not sure either of us actually believed it was permanent.

What I was trying to say is that looking at someone's Facebook profile isn't exactly stalking.
If someone sets certain parts of their profile as publicly visible I consider it perfectly acceptable to look at them, if they're friends with me I can see more, if they don't want that they can unfriend me. So what exactly did you do other than look at her profile or are you just making an elephant out of a mouse?

Maybe just write her and congratulate her, accept that she is gone anyway and make her happy about getting engaged, she may even appreciate that you message her.
If she doesn't, then just stop, it's not like you tried to hurt her (this time). :shrug:

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Methinks if someone knew for sure they would make a killing in self help books. Make sure you dont do something that makes you think of any episode of Law&Order SVU.

Thanks, that made me smile.

It's also good advice.


What I was trying to say is that looking at someone's Facebook profile isn't exactly stalking.
If someone sets certain parts of their profile as publicly visible I consider it perfectly acceptable to look at them, if they're friends with me I can see more, if they don't want that they can unfriend me. So what exactly did you do other than look at her profile or are you just making an elephant out of a mouse?

Maybe just write her and congratulate her, accept that she is gone anyway and make her happy about getting engaged, she may even appreciate that you message her.
If she doesn't, then just stop, it's not like you tried to hurt her (this time). :shrug:

I'm leaving her alone, it was the right choice four years ago - it's the right choice now.

Such is the way of things.

As to the "e-stalking" bit. Yeah, it's the facebook profile, looking at is is voyeuristic (but then I'm fairly sure she must have looked at mine in the past, but not recently). Down that road, however, lies madness and fantasies of twitching curtains.

Anyway, I'm all better now (pretty much).

[Kralizec]

This is a bit of a surprise for me, but I think I can empathize with your feelings about this situation. (and I don't like to talk about personal feelings on the internet either, or even in real life for that matter)

My advice would be to simply wish her well with her marriage, in a polite manner that is - leaving a message on facebook is not going to cut it, so send a card or something like that.
She doesn't want you- at least, that's what you're writing here. If you have any grievances about what happened between the two of you, abandon them and let her go. If you're not able to be "just friends" with her, then don't- simply wish her well, show up at the wedding if invited and then move on without keeping in touch.

I'm not the best person for general girl advice; but I'll say this: the first girl that truly broke my heart was a fellow student who did not return my affections in the slightest. In fact, looking back I'm pretty sure that I freaked her out more than once when I tried to approach her under the guise of just making conversation (it must have been pretty transparant). I got frustrated, depressed at some point and held a long, long grudge. Eventually I managed to to mentally put that aside, because it was at the time easy to avoid her anyway. A year later however, we shared several classes and we'd run into eachother on a regular basis. Sometimes she would approach me for the obligatory "so, how have you been" kind of talk - in which case I did chat with her, but I never approached her myself again.
The point is that allthough I've been with other women since, the memory of that particular girl never really left me, and thinking back about the whole thing gives me a glimpse of the frustration and anger I felt back then. I have no idea what's she doing for a job right now or if she has a boyfriend or spouse; but if I knew right now that I had a realistic chance of being with her, I'd pursue it. But even if there ever was that chance, that ship sailed away long ago - so I don't think about her, and I'm better off for it. And she is, too.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

This is a bit of a surprise for me, but I think I can empathize with your feelings about this situation. (and I don't like to talk about personal feelings on the internet either, or even in real life for that matter)

My advice would be to simply wish her well with her marriage, in a polite manner that is - leaving a message on facebook is not going to cut it, so send a card or something like that.
She doesn't want you- at least, that's what you're writing here. If you have any grievances about what happened between the two of you, abandon them and let her go. If you're not able to be "just friends" with her, then don't- simply wish her well, show up at the wedding if invited and then move on without keeping in touch.

I'm not the best person for general girl advice; but I'll say this: the first girl that truly broke my heart was a fellow student who did not return my affections in the slightest. In fact, looking back I'm pretty sure that I freaked her out more than once when I tried to approach her under the guise of just making conversation (it must have been pretty transparant). I got frustrated, depressed at some point and held a long, long grudge. Eventually I managed to to mentally put that aside, because it was at the time easy to avoid her anyway. A year later however, we shared several classes and we'd run into eachother on a regular basis. Sometimes she would approach me for the obligatory "so, how have you been" kind of talk - in which case I did chat with her, but I never approached her myself again.
The point is that allthough I've been with other women since, the memory of that particular girl never really left me, and thinking back about the whole thing gives me a glimpse of the frustration and anger I felt back then. I have no idea what's she doing for a job right now or if she has a boyfriend or spouse; but if I knew right now that I had a realistic chance of being with her, I'd pursue it. But even if there ever was that chance, that ship sailed away long ago - so I don't think about her, and I'm better off for it. And she is, too.

Thank you for sharing.

I find it odd that everybody is so surprised, I supposed that everyone assumed I had sworn off women for a reason, it comes up often enough in my posts. I'm even more surprised that people seem to think contacting her is a good idea, so I'll just say it isn't.

Of course, if you guys didn't think I had some deep personnal Christological-related trauma driving me, what did you think it was?

[a completely inoffensive name]

Of course, if you guys didn't think I had some deep personnal Christological-related trauma driving me, what did you think it was?

Tbh, everyone here in the backroom is ******* weird in some way. I just took it for granted that someone would be that disconnected.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Tbh, everyone here in the backroom is ******* weird in some way. I just took it for granted that someone would be that disconnected.

I reckon if you go back through my posting history you can see her there.

2005 - You Christians are all crazy, I hate you and your poxy God!

2006-mid 08 - You guys are all going to hell, but I love you so much.

Mid 2008 - PRIMAL SCREAM OF PAIN AND RAGE

2009 - Quiet dispair

....

And now here we are.

If we were still friends, she'd probably be reading the Gay marriage topic and laughing right now, and I'd be much more touchy feely.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Seems like you only went into religion because some cute girl talked you into it and then you used/are using it as a crutch for your complete mental breakdown.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Seems like you only went into religion because some cute girl talked you into it and then you used/are using it as a crutch for your complete mental breakdown.

ACIN, I'm starting to think you don't like me.

You're wrong, as it happens. I was an angry man in 2005 because I didn't want to believe in God. She was the first normal non-creepy Christian with a genuine relationship with God I had met. She was also an important emotional crutch to me when my relationship with my family broke down after they found out I was a Christian.

The other important person was a second year theology student who introduced me to intellectual Christianity over the Officer Training Corps selection weekend (we both failed) and who I never saw again.

[a completely inoffensive name]

ACIN, I'm starting to think you don't like me.

I guess I should clarify something about myself and the way I conduct myself on here. I do not hate you in anyway. I don't feel any malevolence that you feel and think the way that you do. I hate the consequences though, of people who think in a way that I think is ultimately destructive to what I envision as a free and just society.

Take for example, Frags. Nice guy. Very good taste in movies. When he talks about global warming, I want to punch a wall because I envision people like him making decisions in positions of power. But you know, he thinks the way he thinks based on some principles about government and how it operates or has operated in the past, so I don't blame him for thinking the way he does and I don't hate him for thinking in such a way. I just would have him stick to telling me what movies are good or not. And who knows? Maybe he is right after all.

I like everyone here. Except for a few people, who I pity.



You're wrong, as it happens. I was an angry man in 2005 because I didn't want to believe in God. She was the first normal non-creepy Christian with a genuine relationship with God I had met. She was also an important emotional crutch to me when my relationship with my family broke down after they found out I was a Christian.

The other important person was a second year theology student who introduced me to intellectual Christianity over the Officer Training Corps selection weekend (we both failed) and who I never saw again.

I think young people are just angry in general. In times good and bad, youth always seem to have an underlying current of angst or anger. I think people try to place specific reasons on why they feel everything they do, when really humans just feel for the sake of feeling....I feel.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

I guess I should clarify something about myself and the way I conduct myself on here. I do not hate you in anyway. I don't feel any malevolence that you feel and think the way that you do. I hate the consequences though, of people who think in a way that I think is ultimately destructive to what I envision as a free and just society.

Take for example, Frags. Nice guy. Very good taste in movies. When he talks about global warming, I want to punch a wall because I envision people like him making decisions in positions of power. But you know, he thinks the way he thinks based on some principles about government and how it operates or has operated in the past, so I don't blame him for thinking the way he does and I don't hate him for thinking in such a way. I just would have him stick to telling me what movies are good or not. And who knows? Maybe he is right after all.

I like everyone here. Except for a few people, who I pity.



I think young people are just angry in general. In times good and bad, youth always seem to have an underlying current of angst or anger. I think people try to place specific reasons on why they feel everything they do, when really humans just feel for the sake of feeling....I feel.

That's fair enough.

The simply litmus test for "it was because of the girl" is "did it stick".

Well, it's been four years and it's stuck.

[a completely inoffensive name]

That's fair enough.

The simply litmus test for "it was because of the girl" is "did it stick".

Well, it's been four years and it's stuck.

Doesn't really mean much though. You could just be experiencing Walter Sobchak syndrome.

[Rhyfelwyr]

my relationship with my family broke down after they found out I was a Christian.

If you don't mind me asking, why did that happen?


Seems like you only went into religion because some cute girl talked you into it and then you used/are using it as a crutch for your complete mental breakdown.

A bit harsh don't you think. Ultimately personal experiences do shape the beliefs we hold at different points in our lives, to be moulded in such a way is part of being human. But that is not to say that those beliefs are nothing more than a blind reaction, most people will to some degree take something more meaningful from what they go through in life.

Who are you to say that PVC's beliefs were just a crutch? You don't know him, you don't know his thought process. Considering how complicated human beings are and how little you know about PVC in particular, I think it's ridiculous for you to go throwing that sort of psychoanalysis about.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Doesn't really mean much though. You could just be experiencing Walter Sobchak syndrome.

True, but really you're just being a penis.

I was miserable because I wasn't a Christian, I don't expect you to understand that - but there it is.


If you don't mind me asking, why did that happen?

If I was an atheist from a Christian family, why would it happen?


We did sort it out though - after a couple of years.

[a completely inoffensive name]

A bit harsh don't you think. Ultimately personal experiences do shape the beliefs we hold at different points in our lives, to be moulded in such a way is part of being human. But that is not to say that those beliefs are nothing more than a blind reaction, most people will to some degree take something more meaningful from what they go through in life.

Who are you to say that PVC's beliefs were just a crutch? You don't know him, you don't know his thought process. Considering how complicated human beings are and how little you know about PVC in particular, I think it's ridiculous for you to go throwing that sort of psychoanalysis about.

If PVC wants to put himself out for everyone to take a glance at his life and take pity on him for a day or two while he finds the strength to stop e-stalking a girl, then he is going to get some uncomfortable questions. Especially if those questions are related to beliefs that I personally feel are harmful in the political sphere in regards to the legal recognition of some of my friends relationships with each other.

I never said "this is obviously what you are". I made a conjecture, and you are correct I don't know him. I don't know you Rhy, and you don't know me (I think). However, he started this thread as an "Ask Me Anything about how terrible and dysfunctional I am right now". I agree that the way I posed the question was overly blunt and aggressive and extremely rude. But that is how I talk a lot of the time and it wasn't coming from a source of meanness.

It's fine for Strike to call him an ass but heaven forbid someone question why he developed his religiosity. What do you want me to be? Mr. Nice guy like I was in the beginning where I was told essentially to bug off because I was giving the "wrong advise"?

[a completely inoffensive name]

True, but really you're just being a penis.

I really am.



I was miserable because I wasn't a Christian, I don't expect you to understand that - but there it is.

If you honestly believe that, then I believe you. You are right, I don't understand, but I believe you nevertheless.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

If PVC wants to put himself out for everyone to take a glance at his life and take pity on him for a day or two while he finds the strength to stop e-stalking a girl, then he is going to get some uncomfortable questions. Especially if those questions are related to beliefs that I personally feel are harmful in the political sphere in regards to the legal recognition of some of my friends relationships with each other.

I never said "this is obviously what you are". I made a conjecture, and you are correct I don't know him. I don't know you Rhy, and you don't know me (I think). However, he started this thread as an "Ask Me Anything about how terrible and dysfunctional I am right now". I agree that the way I posed the question was overly blunt and aggressive and extremely rude. But that is how I talk a lot of the time and it wasn't coming from a source of meanness.

It's fine for Strike to call him an ass but heaven forbid someone question why he developed his religiosity. What do you want me to be? Mr. Nice guy like I was in the beginning where I was told essentially to bug off because I was giving the "wrong advise"?

As an aside, the Dawg is apparently e-stalking you.

Your chronology is confused - I am at least more relaxed about religion than I was then.

Was an element of it to please her? Possibly, but you don't appreciate, the mess I was before I met her (i.e. before I left home) and I haven't told you about all the times I quite litteraly spent sobbing in her arms.

The kind of Christian I am is certainly influenced by her, but she is a kind, gentle, empathetic individual who is immensely generous with her time, and more generous with her love than she should be.

Or to put it another way, she's a good Christian and a good role model for any Christian.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Alright, alright. I believe you PVC. I was just prodding you in a rude way. I got my answer and look like the ass I am.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Alright, alright. I believe you PVC. I was just prodding you in a rude way. I got my answer and look like the ass I am.

You sure? I have more.

[Rhyfelwyr]

If I was an atheist from a Christian family, why would it happen?


We did sort it out though - after a couple of years.

It's just that there's no real culture shock. It's not like you joined the Select Brethren and isolated yourself from all non-believers.

I ask because I feel on some level that the direction my own life has taken is a pretty self-destructive one, and that my faith and the world that it exposed me to is both an influence on and a product of that direction. I can't say that my first forage into the world of Christianity outright caused or was caused by this direction, it's like it has complemented it.


If PVC wants to put himself out for everyone to take a glance at his life and take pity on him for a day or two while he finds the strength to stop e-stalking a girl, then he is going to get some uncomfortable questions. Especially if those questions are related to beliefs that I personally feel are harmful in the political sphere in regards to the legal recognition of some of my friends relationships with each other.

I never said "this is obviously what you are". I made a conjecture, and you are correct I don't know him. I don't know you Rhy, and you don't know me (I think). However, he started this thread as an "Ask Me Anything about how terrible and dysfunctional I am right now". I agree that the way I posed the question was overly blunt and aggressive and extremely rude. But that is how I talk a lot of the time and it wasn't coming from a source of meanness.

It's fine for Strike to call him an ass but heaven forbid someone question why he developed his religiosity. What do you want me to be? Mr. Nice guy like I was in the beginning where I was told essentially to bug off because I was giving the "wrong advise"?

Look just stop it, you know the bolded bit is garbage and this is not the place for your trolling. The lame attempt to link it to some sort of emotional reaction to what PVC posted in another thread is pathetic.

My initial advice got the exact same reaction as yours, it wasn't that bad and he's allowed to vent in this sort of thread.

Even with what Strike said there can endearing element to that sort of bluntness but you are really trying to drag PVC down now. Stop it.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Yeah, I am taking a break from the backroom and/or org. I get too personal and angry about certain subjects and it carries over. I apologize to PVC and everyone else I have offended.

[Husar]

As to the "e-stalking" bit. Yeah, it's the facebook profile, looking at is is voyeuristic (but then I'm fairly sure she must have looked at mine in the past, but not recently). Down that road, however, lies madness and fantasies of twitching curtains.

Anyway, I'm all better now (pretty much).

I've read an entire article about how so many things in entertainment and games are voyeuristic because that makes things interesting in the first place.

Looking at a nice girl on the bus is also voyeuristic, but even worse, we're genetically programmed to look at the round bits, and so are women just as well.

I'd think unhealthy starts somewhere beyond this more natural attraction.

If you think it's not okay for religious reasons, then pray for the lord to take that urge away because you're a human and too weak.
My guess though is that he won't take it away.


I'm leaving her alone, it was the right choice four years ago - it's the right choice now.

Such is the way of things.

The question I have is, why does she keep you around as her Facebook friend if she is absolutely not interested in having contact with you again?
Are women that weak-willed that they simply don't dare to press an unfriend button, yet so strong-willed that they would insist on not having contact again when you tried to contact them?
Does that even make any sense?

I think I know how you feel but sometimes old friends are really happy when you just say hello again, I got old friends on Facebook too, you know.
Maybe not ones I hurt a lot but time also heals wounds.
Your choice but it does make me wonder. :shrug:

By the way, if she's a christian she should be able to forgive you.

[Sigurd]

We haven't had a religious discussion in a while... and I feel less... um... restrained? now that Husar has taken up my shed mantle.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

It's just that there's no real culture shock. It's not like you joined the Select Brethren and isolated yourself from all non-believers.

I ask because I feel on some level that the direction my own life has taken is a pretty self-destructive one, and that my faith and the world that it exposed me to is both an influence on and a product of that direction. I can't say that my first forage into the world of Christianity outright caused or was caused by this direction, it's like it has complemented it.

It was a massive culture shock for them - the whole extended family are very anti-God and anti-Church, I was very isolated at the time. The way we get around it now is they are not allowed to ask any questions about that part of my life, and I don't offer any information.

To yourself - I think having read your posts for a long time you find it difficult to know where you fit into society, and until you do it's always going to be rough around the edges.

I could give you some dross about how your faith should be a calm point in your life but mine has been like being set on fire while being dipped in ice.


Look just stop it, you know the bolded bit is garbage and this is not the place for your trolling. The lame attempt to link it to some sort of emotional reaction to what PVC posted in another thread is pathetic.

My initial advice got the exact same reaction as yours, it wasn't that bad and he's allowed to vent in this sort of thread.

Even with what Strike said there can endearing element to that sort of bluntness but you are really trying to drag PVC down now. Stop it.

Easy, he already backed off - and I don't care really, it does not touch me.


By the way, if she's a christian she should be able to forgive you.

This either tells you something about her, or about how much I hurt her.

It's not her.

[Rhyfelwyr]

It was a massive culture shock for them - the whole extended family are very anti-God and anti-Church, I was very isolated at the time. The way we get around it now is they are not allowed to ask any questions about that part of my life, and I don't offer any information.

Did they outright shun you just because of your beliefs? I mean, you would go to church on Sunday, you might not have sex before marriage etc, but how would your faith affect everyday family life? You still get up, go to work, do some chores, sit down and eat dinner the same way, dress the same way etc.

Are your family very intellectual and like to debate a lot?

I kind of get it when Christian parents get really upset if their kid turns atheist, because they may think it makes him immoral and would be worried he goes to hell. But with atheist parents and a Christian kid, at worst surely they would only think he is being a bit stupid or deluded?


To yourself - I think having read your posts for a long time you find it difficult to know where you fit into society, and until you do it's always going to be rough around the edges.

It's got to the point where I think I could feature in one of Louis Theroux's 'Weird Weekend' documentaries.


I could give you some dross about how your faith should be a calm point in your life but mine has been like being set on fire while being dipped in ice.

I think the faith in and of itself is a source of peace. It feels great knowing that God's looking out for me, it would be a lonely universe without him. But inner peace doesn't always translate into peace on the outside world.

[Strike For The South]

You seem to be winding down. Maybe it was just an autism flare up....

I don't think your as emotionaly distant as you think you are. People deal with the 5 stages of grief difftrently espically denial. You obvs had a crush on this girl, could not articulate it, kept her close, due to the strong feelings but lack of articulation you drove her away, you nurtured some hope as long as she was unattached, now that she is you can't lie to yourself anymore.


I know, I've been there. Despite my good looks, massive cash reseves, witty rapport, and massive genitailia I too have failed with women. Shit I started a thread about my high school sweetie breaking up with me. People didn't call me autistic they called me a pussy ~:)
Much better explnation than you being a closet autistic, no?



It's fine for Strike to call him an ass but heaven forbid someone question why he developed his religiosity. What do you want me to be? Mr. Nice guy like I was in the beginning where I was told essentially to bug off because I was giving the "wrong advise"?

Why does no one understand I can do whatever I want on here? I'm me, your you that's why. PVC decided he liked me a long a time ago and me calling him an ass once will not chnge that. Jurys still out on you. FWIW I like everyone on here except the people I don't.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

You seem to be winding down. Maybe it was just an autism flare up....

I'm getting it back under control at least. Monday I didn't really sleep - Tuesday not much better, I started smiling again yesterday.


I don't think your as emotionaly distant as you think you are. People deal with the 5 stages of grief difftrently espically denial. You obvs had a crush on this girl, could not articulate it, kept her close, due to the strong feelings but lack of articulation you drove her away, you nurtured some hope as long as she was unattached, now that she is you can't lie to yourself anymore.

This is true, as far as it goes. The thing is though, I got over the crush about five years ago - I'm still not over the legs, I'll be honest. What I mourn is the loss of the friendship - as long as she was unattached a reproachment in the future might have been possible, though less likely with each passing day because in order for her to accept that I was not as selfish as she thought I was, she would have to accept that her decision that we couldn't be friends was based on a missjudgement of me.

Now, I might be that selfish - but I have always taken the view that if I was I would tell her I wasn't. Or to put it another way, if she didn't come round on her own there wasn't anything I could do to convince her without actually proving her right about me. She's obviously perfectly happy without me - the fact that I haven't found another confidant to share my thoughts with, or another Christian whose love of God is so blindingly obvious it touches everyone around her. That's why everybody loves her.

Me? Well, we've gone this far, might as well go the final yard.

I love her enough I would die to protect her, not because of how she makes me feel, or how she feels about me - but because I'm more afraid of living in a world without her in it than I am of dying, and I'm very afraid of dying. That is how much I think of her, she makes the world a better place. What I could never offer her, however, was my life - I couldn't marry her, compromise my own life goals to make a life with her, bend so she could do what she wanted to do - even though if my phone went right now I'm walk the 20 miles nearest train station and get a ticket.

Sadly, this is not the 13th Century and women do not need knights to protect them.

Aside from that though, I'm a fairly popular, reasonably good looking, slim yound man with good proportions, a shock of dark hair and more than once women have litterally torn my shirt from my body in public - no, I'm not kidding that's actually happened, it was a really unpleasent experience. I just don't, I don't know, ask women out. That's why I think I'm not suited to having a relationship, I just don't... want girls who want me.


I know, I've been there. Despite my good looks, massive cash reseves, witty rapport, and massive genitailia I too have failed with women. Shit I started a thread about my high school sweetie breaking up with me. People didn't call me autistic they called me a pussy ~:)
Much better explnation than you being a closet autistic, no?

I'm not a pussy - I'm a coward. I think I remember that thread, didn't it have rain in?


Why does no one understand I can do whatever I want on here? I'm me, your you that's why. PVC decided he liked me a long a time ago and me calling him an ass once will not chnge that. Jurys still out on you. FWIW I like everyone on here except the people I don't.

Not to gang up on ACIN, but yes. Also - I was clearly an ass.

[Papewaio]

You are capable of love, and feel loss of a potential future.

So you are a decent human being who out of this have found love, faith and belief.

Hopefully you also learn how to empathize when others go through this too and it will make you a truly rounded individual.

I suggest hitting the gym or going for long runs. Might as well get some endorphin and fitness benefits as you run off the frustration.