I need advice on how to move on.

[a completely inoffensive name]

For three years I have been going out with my now ex gf. This past Sunday we broke up and it has been an absolutely devastation to me. After trying to talk things over with her today she told me that ultimately it was a long time coming. There was nothing wrong with the relationship itself she just wanted to make "stupid mistakes" with other men and focus on her career. After talking with my friends here and in RL and my family I think I can look forward to a day where I don't weep for 20 minutes. I understand that I am still young and that I should also go out and meet more people and experience new things. I am trying not to hold a grudge against her but it is difficult when sex is involved. The pain of losing my best friend in the world just feels so debilitating right now that I just want to feel normal so I can begin the process of moving on.

I have been an utter mess. I have been feeling sick since it happened on Sunday. I have not been eating (I had two bagels today and that's it) because my stomach is in constant pain and knots. I ask for advice on how I can calm down and just be rid of the pain or at least dull it down.

Also I know that I have been reluctant to improve myself because I have felt comfortable having a loving gf all this time. I want to be a better person (not for others but for myself) and I have chosen to focus on going to the gym (which I have never done) and trying harder at Starcraft (my other long term love). I just don't want to feel paralyzed anymore.

[Fragony]

'Stupid mistakes', sounds far from over to me. Sounds like she still loves you

[Andres]

I hope you got a more decent and honest explanation for the break-up than just the "it was a long time coming" and "I want to be able to make stupid mistakes" lines. If not, then I think she treated you very bad and very unfair. After three years of being together, you deserve something better than that sort of "explanation", which is, in reality, no explanation at all.

That said, there's probably nothing I can say to cheer you up, since there's only one thing that will heal this kind of wounds: time.

In my own experience, the best thing you can do now, is to avoid all contact with her (ignore her when you accidentally see her, remove her number from your phonebook, unfriend her on facebook, delete her e-mail and real adress etc etc.) and allow yourself to recover from this. Don't stay "friends" with her, it'll only make you feel even more miserable and will prevent you from "healing", since you'll keep false hope.

Do whatever the hell you want and that makes you feel a bit better during your recovery. Using the negative energy to get fit again by going to the gym seems like a good idea.

Speaking for myself, two to three months of no contact with the ex always did the trick for me when I was in your position. It was the period I needed to feel normal again. It's possible that you'll only need a few weeks, it's also possible you'll need 4 or 6 months, but you'll be fine.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I hope you got a more decent and honest explanation for the break-up than just the "it was a long time coming" and "I want to be able to make stupid mistakes" lines. If not, then I think she treated you very bad and very unfair. After three years of being together, you deserve something better than that sort of "explanation", which is, in reality, no explanation at all.

Not really much more than that. I asked directly if there was anything wrong with the relationship on my end. She said there was literally nothing wrong with the relationship we just didn't have enough time (we both have intensive uni work) for her to feel as if she is getting the attention or desire she wants. She wants to have more sex and she wants to have it with other people, doesn't want to feel tied down, wants to enjoy youth by making stupid drunken mistakes and going to parties with the rest of her classmates. Both lines you put in quotation marks were lines she said word for word.

We honestly had not seen each other in person for months, but she was willing to go through that for two years when she was at community college (we would plan 1-2 trips every quarter and spend the summer together going on trips). This past year when she finally went into a 4 year university and started experiencing the lifestyle, she grew tired of me. She says it's her failing as woman to need to have sex with a bunch of other men and to give up what she described as an otherwise perfect relationship but as of right now, she wants to throw herself onto other people.

All my friends tell me that it's really :daisy: up for her to do that. I still don't hate her, but I find myself rapidly wanting to say away from her.

Also, she wants to meet up with her classmates on Sunday for me to watch a film she has been working on for months (she is a film major and this is her "final" more or less). There the plan is to say goodbye for good in person and exchange letters which we did frequently in our relationship. But right now, I think I just need to stop talking to her. Whatever she is going to say or write is just going to tear me up again.

[TinCow]

It just takes time. You're going to be miserable for a while, then you'll just be unhappy, then you'll be ambivalent, then you'll be over it. That's just how it goes. If it helps, we've all been there before and know what you're experiencing. For example, I've proposed to two women, but I've only been married once. It sucks, but life eventually goes on. In the end, things always work out for the best even if you can't imagine how right now.

[Fragony]

Not really much more than that. I asked directly if there was anything wrong with the relationship on my end. She said there was literally nothing wrong with the relationship we just didn't have enough time (we both have intensive uni work) for her to feel as if she is getting the attention or desire she wants. She wants to have more sex and she wants to have it with other people, doesn't want to feel tied down, wants to enjoy youth by making stupid drunken mistakes and going to parties with the rest of her classmates. Both lines you put in quotation marks were lines she said word for word.

We honestly had not seen each other in person for months, but she was willing to go through that for two years when she was at community college (we would plan 1-2 trips every quarter and spend the summer together going on trips). This past year when she finally went into a 4 year university and started experiencing the lifestyle, she grew tired of me. She says it's her failing as woman to need to have sex with a bunch of other men and to give up what she described as an otherwise perfect relationship but as of right now, she wants to throw herself onto other people.

All my friends tell me that it's really :daisy: up for her to do that. I still don't hate her, but I find myself rapidly wanting to say away from her.

Also, she wants to meet up with her classmates on Sunday for me to watch a film she has been working on for months (she is a film major and this is her "final" more or less). There the plan is to say goodbye for good in person and exchange letters which we did frequently in our relationship. But right now, I think I just need to stop talking to her. Whatever she is going to say or write is just going to tear me up again.

You don't speak female, she is telling you you got a little boring

[Montmorency]

I avoid this problem by somehow not having any impulse to associate with others at all.

The one person I ever felt strongly toward humored me with a few 'friendly conversations', but she was visibly exasperated with me throughout them and soon found herself "too busy" to continue them.

For whatever reason I was (Platonically) besotted with her, so at first my evident inability to contribute anything meaningful to her existence tore me up -

but then I cried at home for a few minutes and all the sentiment drained out of me. Through that simple response I regained my ability to scrutinize and regard her (not sexually) as I would any other human: not resentfully or coldly or even fondly, but impassively. It was quite a relief from my earlier prepossession and preoccupation.

But that was only for a few months of association/ a few hours of conversation, and I'm of course constituted in such a way that these affections don't (with this exception) affect me. For your situation, I would advise you to embrace your 'sob-sessions' as an opportunity to eject the offending chemicals and allow your neuroplasticity to do its thing. If my words have a strong impact on you, your neurophysiology will alter subtly, but with dramatic effects over years, and it will become possible for you to embody my approach. But that's unlikely, so ultimately I suppose I'm merely indulging myself.

Generic advice: *I am aware that you have friends. Deepen your relationships with them.
*I am aware that you have academic, professional, and civic ambitions. Find out exactly how much these mean to you.
*I am aware that you have hobbies. Indulge in them (responsibly).

WARNING: If my words impact you strongly and set you onto my path, that advice will no longer apply to you. I ostensibly include this as a safety measure.

[Rhyfelwyr]

Maybe I'm just really out of touch, but I think (or maybe just want to think) that you are trolling here.

You are saying that this girl broke up with you because she said she wants to make drunken mistakes, have sex with a bunch of guys, and focus on her career?

I don't know if I'm being naïve here - but people can't really think like that, never mind say something like that to your face?!

If this isn't a joke thread with a dash of social commentary, I think you need to follow your own advice here. Hit the gym, lawyer up and delete your facebook account. Well hopefully you won't need the second one, lol. Take a break from humanity. I know you like the philosophy side of things, so exercise your mind and body. tbh I don't even want a girlfriend, can't be bothered with them. There's so much more worthwhile stuff do be doing.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Maybe I'm just really out of touch, but I think (or maybe just want to think) that you are trolling here.

You are saying that this girl broke up with you because she said she wants to make drunken mistakes, have sex with a bunch of guys, and focus on her career?

I don't know if I'm being naïve here - but people can't really think like that, never mind say something like that to your face?!

If this isn't a joke thread with a dash of social commentary, I think you need to follow your own advice here. Hit the gym, lawyer up and delete your facebook account. Well hopefully you won't need the second one, lol. Take a break from humanity. I know you like the philosophy side of things, so exercise your mind and body. tbh I don't even want a girlfriend, can't be bothered with them. There's so much more worthwhile stuff do be doing.

I really wish I was joking. But that's the sad truth. As you can imagine, it's been tearing me apart. I still have not eaten much in the past 72 hours. I tried having a bowl of cereal but I couldn't finish it, I felt like puking every time I took another bite.

So far the only time I have been able to clear my mind is by playing Starcraft. I think I will play it right now.

[TinCow]

You are saying that this girl broke up with you because she said she wants to make drunken mistakes, have sex with a bunch of guys, and focus on her career?

I don't know if I'm being naïve here - but people can't really think like that, never mind say something like that to your face?!

You're being naïve. There's nothing wrong with a woman wanting some freedom or being interested in just having a good time without being in a serious relationship. It's actually rather common; it's 2013, not 1953. Personally, I think the world would be a far better place if everyone had a few random flings before settling down. I'd run screaming from any woman who had experienced nothing but serious relationships from teenage years to adulthood.

[a completely inoffensive name]

The Gym is good. I quit smoking recently by filling my empty nicotine-free void with exercise. Other than that, Porn. Also, go to the club this weekend to practice your flirting. :shrug:

*Seriously though, young relationships are awful. They don't last, and that's probably a good thing. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Thing is I really don't want to find myself in a club. I am introverted and I am going to try to get myself to be more social in my uni organizations and at events I plan to participate in. But I just really don't want to see myself trying to screw some random girl at a club.

[TinCow]

But I just really don't want to see myself trying to screw some random girl at a club.

You're missing the point. It's not about trying to do something, it's about not trying to do something, namely not trying to find your life partner when you're still very young. Just enjoy yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Things work out well that way; they tend to go wrong when you try to force them. In order to find your partner, you first need to stop looking.

[a completely inoffensive name]

You're missing the point. It's not about trying to do something, it's about not trying to do something, namely not trying to find your life partner when you're still very young. Just enjoy yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Things work out well that way; they tend to go wrong when you try to force them. In order to find your partner, you first need to stop looking.

I'm not trying to find another girl to date. I don't want another serious relationship for a long time. I am just very reserved with myself.

[Fragony]

Thing is I really don't want to find myself in a club. I am introverted and I am going to try to get myself to be more social in my uni organizations and at events I plan to participate in. But I just really don't want to see myself trying to screw some random girl at a club.

Don't mind me saying, but that's what you should do, plants need water

[a completely inoffensive name]

I'm going to take it one step at a time. After finishing my work I played Starcraft today for 6 hours and for the first time I was more calm when I was playing it then when I am not. Getting so focused on the game lets me forget everything else. I had a really good night tonight, I went up an entire league and I am on the borderline for moving up into the next league after that.

Tomorrow I am going to the gym with my friend from class, we will see how that goes. I'm gonna try and tire myself out as much as I can, I'm still not sleeping that well, if at all. Today I felt a lot better. I had occasional bursts of sadness and regret but hopefully by the time this quarter ends a month from now I will be ready to do more things outside my comfort zone. I'm planning on buying tickets to the next MLG in Anaheim.

[Fragony]

I'm going to take it one step at a time. After finishing my work I played Starcraft today for 6 hours and for the first time I was more calm when I was playing it then when I am not. Getting so focused on the game lets me forget everything else. I had a really good night tonight, I went up an entire league and I am on the borderline for moving up into the next league after that.

Tomorrow I am going to the gym with my friend from class, we will see how that goes. I'm gonna try and tire myself out as much as I can, I'm still not sleeping that well, if at all. Today I felt a lot better. I had occasional bursts of sadness and regret but hopefully by the time this quarter ends a month from now I will be ready to do more things outside my comfort zone. I'm planning on buying tickets to the next MLG in Anaheim.

I am probably going to do more harm than good, but take this into consideration, she said she wanted to make mistakes, she didn't say she wanted to sleep around, as that's no mistake but a choice. She wants more out of you if you ask me. I always pay attention of how things are said; why would it be a mistake to sleep with other men? Can only be that she hasn't given up on you.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I am probably going to do more harm than good, but take this into consideration, she said she wanted to make mistakes, she didn't say she wanted to sleep around, as that's no mistake but a choice. She wants more out of you if you ask me. I always pay attention of how things are said; why would it be a mistake to sleep with other men? Can only be that she hasn't given up on you.

I asked her straight up if I wasn't doing enough. She said I did nothing wrong. "Making mistakes" is just American slang for casual sex. Every odd to suggest she hasn't given up on me when she was the one who pushed for it to end. I told her I could make more time to see her and she said there is nothing I could do, she really just wants to experience other men. I'm trying my hardest to move past her right now, please don't plant false hope in me.

[Fragony]

Give me your lust and your sorrow. sorry I didn't mean to

[Ja'chyra]

Go out with your friends get drunk and move on, best to just cut her off entirely or you'll just need to go through it all over again.

[Spoonska]

Heya, new guy here, but I'd like to pass on what I've learned through books, therapy, relationship courses, and psychology classes and hope it helps. Some of it depends on how close you guys were, but it sounds like a pretty rough breakup.Mostly it's general advice for breakups.

I'm going to assume you're in your early to mid twenties, and your girl is just looking to explore life. It happens. You can't get mad at that. In fact, if your response to her had been " Okay, I understand" and you had not said much else you would have probably flipped her shit. The simple fact is; when you're young you're still trying to figure it all out. It's kind of like college... How many times did you change your major before you settled on just one? That's why it's usually not that great of an idea to get married young. Who you are as a 21 year old , 25 year old and 29 year old mentally is going to be 3 different people. Same for your girl. You just have to let her go, appreciate the experiences and time you had together, sob a little bit, and move on.

The best thing you can do when you wake up today, tomorrow and the next day is ask yourself " What does A completely inoffensive name (lol) want to do today", and focus on that.

Just some helpful tips : Remember to eat! Sleep can be your enemy. Your regularly scheduled hours are fine of course, but if you're just sleeping all the time to avoid feelings of depression you're going to become more depressed. Surround yourself with friends. Don't have friends? Join a club. Join a gym. Exercise is an awesome way to improve your overall well being. It's not so much about avoiding dealing with your feelings. You need to deal with your feelings in a healthy way. It's about avoiding sulking, avoiding addictions and depression. Oh, and one of the most important things be sure to vent and vent a lot. It might seem really dumb, but buy yourself a journal jot down your thoughts. Get that shit of your head and into the open. Also it helps to vent to close friends and family, a therapist or your pastor if you're spiritual.

It's going to be different for everyone, but take about 3 months just to yourself before you get into another serious committed relationship or else you really won't give the next person a shot. No one likes to sit around at a dinner table and be compared. I used to know this one therapist that would tell his divorce clients "If you buy a plant, and it's alive after a year you're ready for dating" I forget what kinda plant he said to buy. Obviously a really different situation, but you get the idea. You don't have to buy a plant, but the point is that you have something you care for.

You're going to be fine in the end just remember that this has nothing to do with anything being wrong with you. Because you're fine. In fact you're probably pretty awesome.

In all seriousness though. If you just get out of the house -- start living. You'll be right as rain.

[Major Robert Dump]

Right now the cheapest airfare from LAX to the Philippines is in late June and early July.

I suggest you go.

[Strike For The South]

I'm going to say what I said earlier. Her trepidation in no way defines your worth.

Young relationships are tough, espacilly these ones that are strained by distance.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Holy hell the gym killed me today. First time I actually lifted weights in....5 years. I almost begged my partner to switch to the treadmill earlier so I wouldn't have to face the fact my arms are not what they used to be.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

I asked her straight up if I wasn't doing enough. She said I did nothing wrong. "Making mistakes" is just American slang for casual sex. Every odd to suggest she hasn't given up on me when she was the one who pushed for it to end. I told her I could make more time to see her and she said there is nothing I could do, she really just wants to experience other men. I'm trying my hardest to move past her right now, please don't plant false hope in me.

When we were winding up university (so 21-22) exactly this happened to one of my friends, his girlfriend broke up with him because she wanted to do other things and "be on her own".

She's not exactly saying you're not good in bed, or she wants to get out and do the dirty with lots of other men. She's saying she's too comfortable and she's bored - that's her problem. In a couple of years she'll be kicking herself, which sucks for both of you but that's how it goes some times.

About the crying thing - yeah that takes a while to stop. With me I tend to get it constantly for a couple of weeks before it eases off, so if you've got dry eyes right now you're doing well.

I think one piece of advice I could give is go out and meet new people - not to date - new people won't know you as you were before when she was a part of your life. Then don't talk about her - just be yourself without her.

Basically - if you've been together for a while that a whole chunk of your life has just fallen apart, things you used to do together, mutual friends, places, her friends you got on with. You'll be able to salvage a bit of that, but most of it will either fizzle out through awkwardness or has already outright blown up.

So - time to do new things, not old things. Take up a new sport, start a new series of books - learn to cook.

Stop playing Starcraft.

[a completely inoffensive name]

When we were winding up university (so 21-22) exactly this happened to one of my friends, his girlfriend broke up with him because she wanted to do other things and "be on her own".

She's not exactly saying you're not good in bed, or she wants to get out and do the dirty with lots of other men. She's saying she's too comfortable and she's bored - that's her problem. In a couple of years she'll be kicking herself, which sucks for both of you but that's how it goes some times.

About the crying thing - yeah that takes a while to stop. With me I tend to get it constantly for a couple of weeks before it eases off, so if you've got dry eyes right now you're doing well.

I think one piece of advice I could give is go out and meet new people - not to date - new people won't know you as you were before when she was a part of your life. Then don't talk about her - just be yourself without her.

Basically - if you've been together for a while that a whole chunk of your life has just fallen apart, things you used to do together, mutual friends, places, her friends you got on with. You'll be able to salvage a bit of that, but most of it will either fizzle out through awkwardness or has already outright blown up.

So - time to do new things, not old things. Take up a new sport, start a new series of books - learn to cook.

Stop playing Starcraft.

I agree with every thing you said except about StarCraft. I'm making friends on StarCraft and I feel happy when I play it.

EDIT: Ugh, I thought I would have dry eyes for today but I guess not.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I am getting ready to do the nuclear option and cut off all communication from her. It's going to blindside her for sure. We have been such great friends for so long. But I have gone from literally melting down in agony for 6 hours at a time, not sleeping/eating at all for the next day, to being more social in my life and dealing with strong but temporary anxiety attacks at night. However, I every time I even see a tweet or see a post on facebook, it just stirs the pot. And I get into a tailspin quickly. She expects to meet up on Sunday to watch the film she has been working on for so long with the rest of her classmates and friends. But I am planning on spending my saturday with family and I am going to drop off a letter at her house on my way up explaining why I need to cut myself off from her, at least for the near future. I will say a few other things on my mind which I feel are important and then when I get home I am pulling the trigger.

[Fragony]

I hope pulling the trigger is also an expression I don't understand. You need some friends around you to help you through this

[a completely inoffensive name]

I hope pulling the trigger is also an expression I don't understand. You need some friends around you to help you through this

It's a poor expression on my part. It's sometimes used to mean committing suicide, but I didn't want to convey that. It's also used in a hyperbolic way of saying "committing to an action". When I get home I am going to commit myself to the plan of cutting off all contact with her.

I am making friends as fast as I can. Sort of difficult in the middle of the school term though. But I am at least doing more things with the friends I already have rather than staying home.

[Fragony]

Gotcha, carefull with expressions, it may look as if non-english here actually speak English but if you haven't lived there you don't understand it

[TinCow]

I am getting ready to do the nuclear option and cut off all communication from her. It's going to blindside her for sure. We have been such great friends for so long. But I have gone from literally melting down in agony for 6 hours at a time, not sleeping/eating at all for the next day, to being more social in my life and dealing with strong but temporary anxiety attacks at night. However, I every time I even see a tweet or see a post on facebook, it just stirs the pot. And I get into a tailspin quickly. She expects to meet up on Sunday to watch the film she has been working on for so long with the rest of her classmates and friends. But I am planning on spending my saturday with family and I am going to drop off a letter at her house on my way up explaining why I need to cut myself off from her, at least for the near future. I will say a few other things on my mind which I feel are important and then when I get home I am pulling the trigger.

I think that's a good idea. You need to move on, and you're not going to do that when she's regularly in your face. It's theoretically possible to remain friends with an ex, but it's very difficult and it rarely works out well. I don't think this case has much hope to be that exception. She might be perfectly happy to have you around as a friend, but you would be tortured by her presence and her social interactions with other men. Cut the cord and move on, it'll be much easier for you that way.

[Major Robert Dump]

In 5 years she will be fat and stupid

[Strike For The South]

In 5 years she will be fat and stupid

But what if that's how daddy likes them?

[Husar]

But what if that's how daddy likes them?

I would tell daddy that I don't share and he already has mommy.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I'm getting anxious just from knowing that in about 48 hours I will no longer be able to talk to my best friend since middle school. I hope that when I eventually am able to move past this (and no sooner) she will be willing to accept me as a friend again. We've had this song and dance before actually in high school. Obviously, the relationship didn't last long when we had broken up for the first time, but we managed to stay friends and reunite later despite a more...hostile breakup tone back then.

[Andres]

I am getting ready to do the nuclear option and cut off all communication from her. It's going to blindside her for sure. We have been such great friends for so long. But I have gone from literally melting down in agony for 6 hours at a time, not sleeping/eating at all for the next day, to being more social in my life and dealing with strong but temporary anxiety attacks at night. However, I every time I even see a tweet or see a post on facebook, it just stirs the pot. And I get into a tailspin quickly. She expects to meet up on Sunday to watch the film she has been working on for so long with the rest of her classmates and friends. But I am planning on spending my saturday with family and I am going to drop off a letter at her house on my way up explaining why I need to cut myself off from her, at least for the near future. I will say a few other things on my mind which I feel are important and then when I get home I am pulling the trigger.

It's the best thing you can do. "Staying friends" will cause you too much pain. Since the whole idea is to cut off all contact to allow yourself to get over her, you should explicitly ask her in your letter not to reply to it.

Or simply don't bother writing a letter at all, if that's an option for you :shrug:

[TinCow]

We've had this song and dance before actually in high school.

...and there's the root of your problem. This is the classic childhood love interest. Those things almost never work out. You fell in love with her when neither of you even knew who you were. Now you're adults and you're different people than you were when you met, but your emotions haven't realized that yet. Welcome to adult relationships, now you get to date someone who didn't know you during your immensely awkward teenage years. That's a good thing.

[Xiahou]

We've had this song and dance before actually in high school.Maybe it's just me, but I think you have the right to be a little angry here. Don't get me wrong, you don't want to rage out and do anything stupid- but it does sound like she was using you a little and I agree that cutting contact is the best course of action. :yes:

The way I see it is that she wants to be free to have flings with other guys as she sees fit, but still wants to keep you on the back burner as a "friend" when she wants the emotional support that she won't get from her dalliances. That's a very one-sided relationship. She's getting everything she wants and you're being torn apart emotionally by it.

Maybe she isn't even consciously doing it, but I think you're being used. Cut off contact. Otherwise you'll see the same "song and dance" over and over again.

Edit: Also, to echo what others have said- find other things to occupy your time and energy. :yes:

[Peasant Phill]

a completely inoffensive name

Some simple advice from someone who had a 12 year long relationship ended and never saw it coming as well:
Throw yourself on other things to do. Call friends and go out as much as you can. Start a new hobby, something you were always interested in but never started with. Meet new people any way you can, ...
Just keep busy and don't dwell on what was. This is your opportunity to have a better life.

[The Lurker Below]

If you love someone set them free,
if they don't come back shoot them.

Alright you're on the right track with the whole cutting off all ties idea, but relax, enjoy some life first, and then pull the trigger. Freedom for just a few days ain't really freedom at all. Go enjoy some life your own self, and play friends. If you've really been friends for so long, playing the part for a few weeks shouldn't kill you.

And that brit that gave you the advice re: StarCraft was absolutely right. Making friends online is too damn easy. Anything that comes easy has no real long term reward. Step up your game and go socialize with real life hooters. Use your body now while it's full of energy. There will be plenty of time for easy chairs and games after your kids have worn you down.

[InsaneApache]

Time my friend, time.

How long is up to you.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

I'm getting anxious just from knowing that in about 48 hours I will no longer be able to talk to my best friend since middle school. I hope that when I eventually am able to move past this (and no sooner) she will be willing to accept me as a friend again. We've had this song and dance before actually in high school. Obviously, the relationship didn't last long when we had broken up for the first time, but we managed to stay friends and reunite later despite a more...hostile breakup tone back then.

Realistically, you can't be friends with your ex - not if the relationship was serious. As cut up as you are it seems like there probably isn't anything you can salvage without leaving yourself hung up for years.

I'm older that you, take me as an object lesson from experience. Make a clean break, and make it clear to her that you can't be friends because it's not healthy for either of you. Otherwise, you'll be starting a thread in the tavern in a few years telling us about how she just posted her engagement photos on facebook.

[a completely inoffensive name]

The letter is written. Eight pages. I should be asleep so I can wake up in 3.5 hours cuz I need to get my car to the house by 10am. But I can't really sleep. I guess I will just loaf around and pack my things for the Saturday stay with my parents. And then this can all be over.

[TinCow]

The letter is written. Eight pages.

Hopefully that was cathartic, but the best thing to do with that is throw it away. It is never a good idea to give an eight page letter about your feelings to an ex.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Hopefully that was cathartic, but the best thing to do with that is throw it away. It is never a good idea to give an eight page letter about your feelings to an ex.

This is where I am going to have to ignore your advice at the risk of hurting myself more. I am not going to disappear from all her friends lists and not even give her the courtesy to tell her why. I am not begging for her to come back nor am I trashing her in anger. It's just one last letter to end the tradition of letters we have had since we first started going out. The reason it's eight pages is because I had important stuff to say that I need her to think about before I end all communication. Stuff that is related to her own flaws which she has recognized since we started going out but never took the effort to fix. Stuff that she would only believe if it came from me. Most importantly it doesn't matter in the long run. I'm not going to see or talk to her for a long time but I want the last instance of communication to be better than me practically begging on Monday to take me back. I want to leave a stronger image than that. This is in all likeliness a dumb mistake, but if I am going to make one, I would rather it be about this than something with more severe consequences.

Sorry Tincow. I promise to follow the rest of the advice to the T.

[Fragony]

What 'severe consequences' would that be then, you are kinda worrying me

[a completely inoffensive name]

What 'severe consequences' would that be then, you are kinda worrying meI'm just saying I would rather give a letter to my ex then idk snort some random prescription drugs at a party like one friend I knew.Haha oh damn, great timing by my car to have the battery die. Gotta call AAA now. Can't even get the letter to the house before she see's that I unfriended her. Huh, life is weird sometimes. I'm not even mad though.

[Strike For The South]

This is where I am going to have to ignore your advice at the risk of hurting myself more. I am not going to disappear from all her friends lists and not even give her the courtesy to tell her why. I am not begging for her to come back nor am I trashing her in anger. It's just one last letter to end the tradition of letters we have had since we first started going out. The reason it's eight pages is because I had important stuff to say that I need her to think about before I end all communication. Stuff that is related to her own flaws which she has recognized since we started going out but never took the effort to fix. Stuff that she would only believe if it came from me. Most importantly it doesn't matter in the long run. I'm not going to see or talk to her for a long time but I want the last instance of communication to be better than me practically begging on Monday to take me back. I want to leave a stronger image than that. This is in all likeliness a dumb mistake, but if I am going to make one, I would rather it be about this than something with more severe consequences.

Sorry Tincow. I promise to follow the rest of the advice to the T.

I thought we were close to acceptance, instead we went back to bargaining. No doubt the woman has flaws. No doubt she referenced these flaws as the reason you two broke up. However, the flaws have nothing to do with why you two really broke up. I would put my money on distance and the curiosity that seems to infect young people. Once again, I feel the need to stress the point that in no way is this reflective of your worth nor is there much could you have done much to stop it.

An 8 page treatise on her flaws will illicit scorn, pity, or some combination of the two. She has made her decision and remember, a decision is always strongest when you first make it. I realize that you are probably giving her the letter as I type this. Good luck brother

[Fragony]

I'm just saying I would rather give a letter to my ex then idk snort some random prescription drugs at a party like one friend I knew.Haha oh damn, great timing by my car to have the battery die. Gotta call AAA now. Can't even get the letter to the house before she see's that I unfriended her. Huh, life is weird sometimes. I'm not even mad though.

I took the liberty of showing your posts to a friend of mine who is a professional psychologist, she's worried by your posts as well, as she calls it's 'burning up too fast'

[a completely inoffensive name]

Took me a while to drive to her house. Her car is not even here. She is probably with some other guy as I speak. I'm not dropping off the letter. I am going home to my parents and crying.

[Strike For The South]

1st: :(

2nd: This couldn't be a more clear message, you know what direction you need to go and how futile it would be to look back.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Well, I cried a lot with my family. They were very supportive, I felt a lot saner. She asked me where the letter was because she reads my twitter. I gave her a short message. Told her I hope everything goes well for her, I feel like I need some space in order for me to get past this. I would like to be friends but the choices you made has changed everything and this is also a time for me to find myself without feeling tied down. I hope you understand, I will talk to you later.

Her response was "I see. I understand. I hope you find what you are looking for."

And now it is over. And I want for the first time nothing to do with her.

EDIT: Jesus, I have been really messed up this past week. I'm just gonna let time do its thing now.

[Fragony]

Alas it's over, but you can still be buddies. It's nonsense that you can't be friends with an ex-girlfriend, or women in general. I haven't slept with most of my female friends but flirting a bit is just a whole lot of fun, you just need to know when you go too far. It would be a shame if you wouldn't want to have anything to do with her anymore imho

[a completely inoffensive name]

Alas it's over, but you can still be buddies. It's nonsense that you can't be friends with an ex-girlfriend, or women in general. I haven't slept with most of my female friends but flirting a bit is just a whole lot of fun, you just need to know when you go too far. It would be a shame if you wouldn't want to have anything to do with her anymore imho

I phrased my response a bit wrong here. I left friendship open down the line when I felt like I had moved beyond her on an emotional level.

[The Lurker Below]

I phrased my response a bit wrong here. I left friendship open down the line when I felt like I had moved beyond her on an emotional level.

kick ass! - my crystal ball foresees makeup sex, followed by emotions flooding back in less than a second, followed by a cruel twisting knife in the back, followed by friends driving you to a bridge while Nazareths "Love Hurts" and similar songs are played. They'll also offer a length of rope or a bullet. At this point you'll realize that wench is preferable to your drunken friends, and become a beat down husband like many of us. Dammit man, you give me the chance to review 10 years of my youth in less than a paragraph.

[a completely inoffensive name]

kick ass! - my crystal ball foresees makeup sex, followed by emotions flooding back in less than a second, followed by a cruel twisting knife in the back, followed by friends driving you to a bridge while Nazareths "Love Hurts" and similar songs are played. They'll also offer a length of rope or a bullet. At this point you'll realize that wench is preferable to your drunken friends, and become a beat down husband like many of us. Dammit man, you give me the chance to review 10 years of my youth in less than a paragraph.

**** that. When I move on, I move on. Also I hope that wasn't your youth.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Alas it's over, but you can still be buddies. It's nonsense that you can't be friends with an ex-girlfriend, or women in general. I haven't slept with most of my female friends but flirting a bit is just a whole lot of fun, you just need to know when you go too far. It would be a shame if you wouldn't want to have anything to do with her anymore imho

Rubbish - if she ripped your heart in half you don't want to see her for a decade at least.

If I had to guess, I'd say ACIN expected to marry this girl one day, the way you get over that kind of break up if by amputating that relationship and going and finding a new one.

[a completely inoffensive name]

If I had to guess, I'd say ACIN expected to marry this girl one day,

Yep, yep, yep. Sorry to everyone for acting the way I have over the past week but at least PVC understands what was up.

[Visor]

Yep, yep, yep. Sorry to everyone for acting the way I have over the past week but at least PVC understands what was up.

Too young to be thinking about marriage mate.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Too young to be thinking about marriage mate.

I know that now. Even though I finally cut it off, part of me still wants to go to a thing she is hosting for her friends tonight. I'm just gonna drown myself in work and try to forget about it.

EDIT; Want to clarify. I was not planning on marrying her for a loooong time. Like maybe 5-6 years from now. But I thought if we remained together past college it would happen. All a moot point anyway. A lot of my friends have been extremely supportive this past weekend and I think tonight I can actually sleep well.

[Husar]

Don't worry, a friend of a friend of my aunt's grandfather's dog's pillow once told me he does even worse in these things.

[Fragony]

Yep, yep, yep. Sorry to everyone for acting the way I have over the past week but at least PVC understands what was up.

I never got that far in. The second time I make poor judgement in this thread I meant well, I'll leave it to the other posters

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Too young to be thinking about marriage mate.

Nah - it can and does happen. It happened to my Aunt and Uncle - they met at 16 and were married for something life forty years before she passed away


I know that now. Even though I finally cut it off, part of me still wants to go to a thing she is hosting for her friends tonight. I'm just gonna drown myself in work and try to forget about it.

EDIT; Want to clarify. I was not planning on marrying her for a loooong time. Like maybe 5-6 years from now. But I thought if we remained together past college it would happen. All a moot point anyway. A lot of my friends have been extremely supportive this past weekend and I think tonight I can actually sleep well.

There was nothing wrong with the way you were thinking - you were in a relationship and you didn't put a limit on it, so obviously marriage was in the future.

Here's the thing - it wasn't in her future, that's the thing you need to understand. She got to a point where she realised that she couldn't see the relationship in 5-6 years, so she broke it off.

It's really rubbish, but that's why she said "I hope you find what you're looking for."

The thing I learned, and this absolutely sucks, is that no matter how loving, attentive, even attractive, you are - you can't make someone love you. On paper you could be exactly what they want, and you still won't spark it off for them.

[TinCow]

Nah - it can and does happen. It happened to my Aunt and Uncle - they met at 16 and were married for something life forty years before she passed away

Sure, but it's a lot more rare now than it was when your aunt and uncle met. In the US in the 1950s, on average (http://www.census.gov/hhes/socdemo/marriage/data/acs/ElliottetalPAA2012presentation.pdf) people got married significantly younger than they do now. In 1950 the median age was 22.8 for men and 20.3 for women (http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0005061.html). In 2011 it was 28.9 for men and 26.9 for women (http://factfinder2.census.gov/faces/tableservices/jsf/pages/productview.xhtml?src=bkmk). This age shift is significant, and it moves marriage into an entirely separate point in life. At 20-22, you are still a child in many respects. You have finished growing and are legally responsible for yourself, but you are only just beginning to experience life as an adult. That experience changes you significantly, and results in major personality changes for most people. By the time you're in your late 20s, you've finally started to stabilize again and figure out who you're going to be for the rest of your life. Relationships that are established before this personality shift are much less likely to last simply because the odds are that at least one of the partners will change in such a way as to no longer make each other compatible. In addition, in modern society is is pretty normal for both partners to work full-time throughout their lives, particularly prior to having children. As such, there is also the issue of divergent career paths to split apart couples that are just entering the job market. Couples that meet several years after entering into the job market are far more likely to have compatible career situations that make long-term relationships easier to manage.

[Philippus Flavius Homovallumus]

Sure, but it's a lot more rare now than it was when your aunt and uncle met. In the US in the 1950s, on average (http://www.census.gov/hhes/socdemo/marriage/data/acs/ElliottetalPAA2012presentation.pdf) people got married significantly younger than they do now. In 1950 the median age was 22.8 for men and 20.3 for women (http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0005061.html). In 2011 it was 28.9 for men and 26.9 for women (http://factfinder2.census.gov/faces/tableservices/jsf/pages/productview.xhtml?src=bkmk). This age shift is significant, and it moves marriage into an entirely separate point in life. At 20-22, you are still a child in many respects. You have finished growing and are legally responsible for yourself, but you are only just beginning to experience life as an adult. That experience changes you significantly, and results in major personality changes for most people. By the time you're in your late 20s, you've finally started to stabilize again and figure out who you're going to be for the rest of your life. Relationships that are established before this personality shift are much less likely to last simply because the odds are that at least one of the partners will change in such a way as to no longer make each other compatible. In addition, in modern society is is pretty normal for both partners to work full-time throughout their lives, particularly prior to having children. As such, there is also the issue of divergent career paths to split apart couples that are just entering the job market. Couples that meet several years after entering into the job market are far more likely to have compatible career situations that make long-term relationships easier to manage.

Well.... A lot of that was true then.

The point is - going into a relationship thinking "this will end in x.... years" is not all that healthy, or honourable.

[a completely inoffensive name]

I never got that far in. The second time I make poor judgement in this thread I meant well, I'll leave it to the other posters

Your posts helped a lot Frag. The last one you posted made me stop and realize I was spiraling down.

[Xiahou]

By the time you're in your late 20s, you've finally started to stabilize again and figure out who you're going to be for the rest of your life.Nah. I don't think you ever stop evolving mentally/emotionally.

[The Lurker Below]

**** that. When I move on, I move on. Also I hope that wasn't your youth.

Don't knock it. If everything in life went perfect according to plan, what a boring life. The woman to whom I've been married nineteen years takes credit for the seven that we dated on and off, while I was playing the field and enjoying the twisting knife in my back a couple of times. On two separate occasions during that period I did not see or speak to her for nearly a year. If it's meant to be it will happen, no matter how much you swear it off. The last thing you'll learn is that there is no room for absolute ultimatums, in the meantime I'll close where I started:

If you love someone set them free,
if they don't come back shoot them.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Don't knock it. If everything in life went perfect according to plan, what a boring life. The woman to whom I've been married nineteen years takes credit for the seven that we dated on and off, while I was playing the field and enjoying the twisting knife in my back a couple of times. On two separate occasions during that period I did not see or speak to her for nearly a year. If it's meant to be it will happen, no matter how much you swear it off. The last thing you'll learn is that there is no room for absolute ultimatums, in the meantime I'll close where I started:

If you love someone set them free,
if they don't come back shoot them.

I will keep an open mind. But she decided to leave me. I'm not just going fall apart with emotion years down the line if we have sex again.

[Beskar]

You know what is weird about relationships, seeing how things you did affected their futures.

For example, I was dating this girl (when we were around 17-18) and she had an interest in drawing, so I used to encourage her, even bought her one of those PC tablets for her birthday. For reasons a year or so later on, we broke up and we dropped contact. Out of mild curiousity, thinking about the thread I went to use some googlefu. She is now a graphical designer and her artist tag is a pet name I gave her in the bedroom-like situation which ended up sticking during our relationship.

Just seems really weird that I impacted on her life so much.

[a completely inoffensive name]

Ugh, I was doing so well until today. I have been able to distract myself with work or gym or video games for the past few days, when my brain had to **** with me by delivering a very sad dream about losing her that practically woke me up in tears.

Idk, maybe I should stop distracting myself 24/7 and just feel dem feels.