Wenceslaus
05-28-2003, 02:59
Had to share this one with somebody.
It's from http://www.techcentral.com
The problem was Charlemagne's illiterate and bellicose grandfather, Charles the Hammer. He may have lacked the social graces of Attila the Hun, but where would we be today if Charles Martel had made 732 memorable as the year of the first Paris Peace Talks, rather than the Battle of Tours?
Imagine this posting from a Merovingian web page:
Agence Frank-Presse DCCXXXII - The Saracens are here to stay. The ultimatum demanding their withdrawal issued by King Dagobert's national security advisor has been vetoed by Gaulish leader Jax Chiractacus.
Contrary to what Martel says, they're in full compliance with resolution MCDXLI, Chief Weapons Inspector Getablix told the United Normans General Assembly yesterday. We found no evidence of Greek fire, plague infested dead horses, or other weapons of mass destruction in the Saracen camp. Even if Emir Abdullah had them, he has no trebuchet capable of launching such missiles. As a Druid, I frankly worry more about Greek fire causing global warming, or the North Frisians obtaining weapons grade iron.
Chiractacus, interviewed in the triclinium of his villa near Lutece, dismissed last night's address by Martel to the UN's assembled generals:
What's all this about an 'axis of infidels' - has he been using those perfidious Angles as speechwriters again? A bunch of Saracens chasing deer through the Aquitane is hardly a casus belli - all this talk of an invasion is an affront to the Peace of God.
Who cares if there are 80,000 of them - they co-exist with Constantinople, and I think they're real gentlemen. They rape, pillage, loot and burn less than the guests at a Norman funeral, and they eat less too - they don't touch the wine or the roast boar.
I've begun to see why since I swapped my old cook, Dysenterix, for a Saracen chef. Amazing man - makes anything that moves delicious, from frogs to snails, and brews a hot black potion fit to rattle God's teeth. You'd better step into the vomitorium and make room for some. We've six more courses coming before it.
Another luncheon guest, Substerno Singetorix, Dean of the Salic Law School, and former Ambassador to the Huns, also scoffed at Martel's policy initiative:
An ultimatum? Of all the indomitable gall What does that hammerhead think this is, the dark ages? These Saracens are just the blowback from the Vandals invading Africa and covering Carthage in political graffiti - what goes around comes around.
We've entered a post-Roman era of multi-polar alliances and culinary relativism. King Dagobert had better watch out before his delusions of chivalry send Austrasia the way of failed states like Camelot. Instead of fantasizing about missile shields making the longbow impotent and obsolete, we need to exercise our powers of diplomacy by breaking bread with the Saracens, as I often have at the Organization of Pepper Exporting Caliphates. Very good bread it is too, white crusty stuff, none of that moldy pumpernickel Martel gnaws on when he isn't chewing on his shield rim.
Some tonsure-tank scribes expect the universal acceptance of feudal values to lead to the end of history, and imagine Martel prevailing with Briton and breton aid. Not me - I'm a Realist. If things escalate, there's no way an Anglo-Armorican alliance could beat the Caliph of Baghdad.
It would take a Holy Roman Emperor to pull it off, and I don't expect to see one anytime before the Millennium. From now until M gives Byzantine diplomacy CCLXVII years to strive towards a kinder, gentler, oriental despotism.
With Goths at the gates, and terrorists like Grendel crashing into mead halls, this is no time for a clash of civilizations, let alone a high crusade.
Tech central (http://techcentralstation.com/1051/defensewrapper.jsp?PID=1051-350&CID=1051-052703A)
It's from http://www.techcentral.com
The problem was Charlemagne's illiterate and bellicose grandfather, Charles the Hammer. He may have lacked the social graces of Attila the Hun, but where would we be today if Charles Martel had made 732 memorable as the year of the first Paris Peace Talks, rather than the Battle of Tours?
Imagine this posting from a Merovingian web page:
Agence Frank-Presse DCCXXXII - The Saracens are here to stay. The ultimatum demanding their withdrawal issued by King Dagobert's national security advisor has been vetoed by Gaulish leader Jax Chiractacus.
Contrary to what Martel says, they're in full compliance with resolution MCDXLI, Chief Weapons Inspector Getablix told the United Normans General Assembly yesterday. We found no evidence of Greek fire, plague infested dead horses, or other weapons of mass destruction in the Saracen camp. Even if Emir Abdullah had them, he has no trebuchet capable of launching such missiles. As a Druid, I frankly worry more about Greek fire causing global warming, or the North Frisians obtaining weapons grade iron.
Chiractacus, interviewed in the triclinium of his villa near Lutece, dismissed last night's address by Martel to the UN's assembled generals:
What's all this about an 'axis of infidels' - has he been using those perfidious Angles as speechwriters again? A bunch of Saracens chasing deer through the Aquitane is hardly a casus belli - all this talk of an invasion is an affront to the Peace of God.
Who cares if there are 80,000 of them - they co-exist with Constantinople, and I think they're real gentlemen. They rape, pillage, loot and burn less than the guests at a Norman funeral, and they eat less too - they don't touch the wine or the roast boar.
I've begun to see why since I swapped my old cook, Dysenterix, for a Saracen chef. Amazing man - makes anything that moves delicious, from frogs to snails, and brews a hot black potion fit to rattle God's teeth. You'd better step into the vomitorium and make room for some. We've six more courses coming before it.
Another luncheon guest, Substerno Singetorix, Dean of the Salic Law School, and former Ambassador to the Huns, also scoffed at Martel's policy initiative:
An ultimatum? Of all the indomitable gall What does that hammerhead think this is, the dark ages? These Saracens are just the blowback from the Vandals invading Africa and covering Carthage in political graffiti - what goes around comes around.
We've entered a post-Roman era of multi-polar alliances and culinary relativism. King Dagobert had better watch out before his delusions of chivalry send Austrasia the way of failed states like Camelot. Instead of fantasizing about missile shields making the longbow impotent and obsolete, we need to exercise our powers of diplomacy by breaking bread with the Saracens, as I often have at the Organization of Pepper Exporting Caliphates. Very good bread it is too, white crusty stuff, none of that moldy pumpernickel Martel gnaws on when he isn't chewing on his shield rim.
Some tonsure-tank scribes expect the universal acceptance of feudal values to lead to the end of history, and imagine Martel prevailing with Briton and breton aid. Not me - I'm a Realist. If things escalate, there's no way an Anglo-Armorican alliance could beat the Caliph of Baghdad.
It would take a Holy Roman Emperor to pull it off, and I don't expect to see one anytime before the Millennium. From now until M gives Byzantine diplomacy CCLXVII years to strive towards a kinder, gentler, oriental despotism.
With Goths at the gates, and terrorists like Grendel crashing into mead halls, this is no time for a clash of civilizations, let alone a high crusade.
Tech central (http://techcentralstation.com/1051/defensewrapper.jsp?PID=1051-350&CID=1051-052703A)