New Org Forum

[KukriKhan]

Hi fellow patrons of the Jousting Fields. Here:

http://www.totalwar.org/cgi-bin....=SC;c=7 (http://www.totalwar.org/cgi-bin/forum/ikonboard.cgi?act=SC;c=7)

is the newest forum at the Org, devoted to TotalWar story-telling, and cooperative PlayByMail (PBM) campaigns. Feel free to read AND post your contributions there. (Junior Patrons welcome).

While you're there, vote in the "Name This Forum" poll, to help us find the best title for the place.

Multiplayer battle accounts gratefully accepted. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[ElmarkOFear]

Call it the Battlefield Vomitorium. LOL

[tootee]

I have some tales to tell... http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/cool.gif

[Vanya]

GAH

Vanya post tall tale of abysmal plan. Plan so bad, Vanya tried to reason with ally to do otherwise, but alas, they would not listen.

ZE SETUP
Map was on one of them inland ones where the attackers all sit on this heaving lump of high ground and the defenders squat in a grassy lowland. Vanya was given the bottom right corner in a 3v3. Vanya decided to bear the standards of ze Polish, as Vanya rarely plays such, and figured them to be "cute". Vanya likes Polish womenz quite frequently... so why not try Polish army?

Vanya decided to get a pair of retainers... Vanya saw somebody else use them to great effect last week. Vanya coupled the pair with 3 feudal kinigits. The rest of the army was fairly standard... there was the mandatory 4 crossbows, the mass of chivalrous men wearing tin and beating swords on their breast plates... Some of the same heaving spears in the air like they just didn't care. (IE, CMAA and Chiv Sgts).

Now, As Vanya is telling His men to line up in straight lines, the center ally moves the vast majority of his army waaaay forward, just at the very forward edge of his deployment zone and right below the crest of the nearest slope.

Vanya pleads with His ally to move his men back, as they would be hopelessly vulnerable to a bullrush where he stood. Vanya's ally cried havoc and spit in the general direction of the attackers... calling them all sorts of vulgar names yo' mama would typically stuff a bar of soap in yer mouth for sayin'

ZE BATTLE
Well, Vanya's words fell on deaf ears as the center feller committed himself and hit 'Ready'.

Vanya knew, even before hitting 'Ready' Himself, that this battle was already lost. But, Vanya figured, it would be interesting to see if it could be salvaged. Vanya quickly rearranged His mighty fighting force, putting the cavalry on the front line. Then He hit 'Ready'.

The moment the battle commenced, Vanya had His cavalry charge full speed towards His center ally. The infantry chased slowly behind as fast as their corn-fed fat arses would allow them. Vanya's retainers got there just as a band of chivalric kinigits arrived to smack Vanya's ally's flank. The poles fought better than they would versus Hitler, and held off the kinigits for a while.

The foe opposite Vanya wasted no time charging forth... he could see Vanya moving to help his hapless ally. Vanya had to reset the infantry along His ally's flank to stop the flanker from smashing His ally's other flank.

Then, Vanya's ally decided he would rather watch The Itchy and Scratchy show, and told his men to go home. The entire line of Vanya's ally crumbled and fled... downhill into Vanya's repositioning infantry

Vanya had to redirect the feudal kinigits to stop the mass of humanity bearing down on his sunbathing infantry. The retainers were still holding http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smokin.gif

But, the enemy center and right playas, seeing Vanya's ally running home to mama, figured they could pick up any of Vanya's sunbathing warriors for a date. Lo and behold, Vanya's infantry is smothered from 3 directions. Before Vanya can fling the fecal matter that smacked His head from the fleeing allies from His surrogate head's face, Vanya's infantry joined the rout Vanya ordered His crossbows to attack the marauding szekelis, as they were the only men left to try to plug the flood gates.

(All this time, mind you, Vanya's third ally on the right watched the whole thing unravel and did didley squat to help. He laughed at Vanya and his center ally, calling them all kinds of things... saying they was panzies, moonies and hare krishnas and what not. Vanya's horse *did* actually moon the enemy as He fled though...)

Seeing all this unravel at their backs, the retainers figure its just not worth sticking around for just to collect a few more heads and decide to slip out in the other direction.

Not even Gary Coleman, Vanya's field marshall for the September, could stem the tide, and soon fled too.

Well, with all His men routing, Vanya got the message from Heaven that His struggle for the day was over. The game was over.

Now, Vanya just watched His last remaining ally try to fight 3 enemy armies. It was ugly. It was painfull. He got royally spanked.

Vanya sez... "Why you not charge forward like Vanya to help our center?" Vanya gets no reply, as the general is likely too busy organizing his disorderly flight to bother responding to a message from those already crossed over.

Vanya sez to ally in center... "That is why Vanya said to pull back." Vanya get nothing but mumbling back.

Vanya sez... it was fun game anyway. Vanya was elated how well His first wave cav, the Poles, did. If only the rest of the army could have gotten there in time... if only the center ally would have held their lines a little longer... if only the left ally had moved up and joined the battle... maybe, just maybe the defenders could have pulled a sweet one... Heck, Vanya did end up getting the most kills on His side... http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/tongue.gif

Vanya get good laugh from battle. Naturally Vanya cannot recall names of allies... if they read this, they can post their names if they want. Vanya has log file... so Vanya can check if they were really there.

GAH

[tootee]

http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/joker.gif

a good lesson learnt..

[Orda Khan]

http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/pat.gif * Polishes a new grapefruit *
There you go, good as new http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif

......Orda