View Full Version : friendly fire?
does anyone else think that it's cheezy that guns do not cause friendly casualties? I just dont see how it makes sense (aside from a height advantage)to be able to pull guns back just behind infantry and fire away into the melee without killing any of your own men.
I mean sheesh, in reality we couldnt even do that with modern weapons let alone an inaccurate muskett or arq. I think that it is historically and tactically inaccurate.
Have gun, will snipe.
[Musketeer #1]: Show me a good shot.
[Musketeer #2]: OK. I'll shoot through the fork in the tree, over there at 100 paces, bounce off the helmet of the sleeping soldier behind it, ricochet off the rock down the hill, bounce straight up and hit that farmer carrying the rice in the nads.
[Musketeer #2 takes aim, fires, and voila! hits the farmer as he claimed he would.]
[Musketeer #1]: Impressive. Check this out. I'll shoot the wall of the pagoda, bounce the bullet towards that rock down the hill, then it will bounce straight up and hit that pigeon flying in this direction from the East, where the bullet will smash through the skull and ricochet back down to earth, striking the temple's roof in the neigboring town, where it will change course towards the earth, fly between the Emperor's daughter's legs, strike the toe ring of the Emperor's Royal Bobbing-Head-Doll Man, bounce straight up, hitting him in the nads.
[Musketeer #2]: No way! I can't even see the neighboring village from here!
[Musketeer #1]: [Takes aim, and fires.]
[Musketeer #2]: Now what?
[Musketeer #1]: We go to the village.
[The two musketeers walk to the village. Two days later, they arrive, and find in the square, a large dried puddle of blood.
[Musketeer #2]: [To local vendor] What happened here?
[Vendor]: ROFLMAO! Buddha's wrath was visited on the Emperor's Bobbing-Head-Doll man yesterday! He made a ball of lead shoot up from the pits of the earth and take away his manhood, for it was wildly known he was gay.
[Musketeer #1]: He he!
[Musketeer #2]: [Looks at #1] You DA MAN!
[Musketeer #1]: [To #2] Soon, my son, you will take over!
[Vendor]: That poor bastid was whinning like a little girl!
[Later that evening... the two musketeers were dining in a fine Sushi bar.]
[Waiter]: Today's special is fresh headless pigeon! A true delicacy! Our cheff found an exquisite specimen two days ago... it fell from the heavens without its head! Because it was delivered by Buddha himself right into our chef's hands, I must warn you, its 2 whole koku for this bird...
[Musketeer #2]: [Looking at #1] NO WAY!
[Musketeer #1]: He he.
[To be continued...]
[This message has been edited by Vanya (edited 10-26-2001).]
LOL..speaking of nuts, vanya yer crazy! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
come on vanya - more http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
One of the many unbalances of the gun.
Tera
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Honour to Clan Torîi Aku.
Visit my resource centre here! (http://terazawa.totalwar.org)
Evil is within us... http://terazawa.totalwar.org/emo.gif
TechnoMage of Shadows
10-27-2001, 06:28
try this on for size,
go into custom battle as the defender,
use a flat map, Flat demo/green or whatever
take 4 musket and 4 yari sam,
give your yari sam full armour upgrade,
give the AI 6 Ashi's - no upgrades.
once the battle starts line you yari sam up 3 ranks deep,
line the musket up immediately behind your yari sam, also 3 ranks deep,
leave the musket on Fire At Will
the AI will approach and will got shot to shreds - and your Yari Sam will also get shot to shreds
(in my test i lost 85 to friendly fire)
NOW
do exactly the same except take the muskets off Fire At Will and put them on hold formation-hold position,
select your targets as they approach, and as they manouever in front of you switch targets as required,
(in my test 70 lost to friendly fire)
in both cases you may need to move your entire army right or left because the AI may try to flank you.
If you check a log file of any battle where you have fired into a mellee there is a column called friendly fire,
the firing into mellee and no friendly fire kills is a myth.
---
Oh, it wasn't as bad as it looked. You should know by now that when we're involved, nothing is as it seems
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http://technomage.20m.com/shadow.gif
Major Robert Dump
10-27-2001, 08:35
Are we talking about STW or MI? STW has no friendly fire with guns, but im certain MI does. Aside from the fact that if you take guns you often have more losses than your enemy had kills, but also try some tests against AI where you stack units in front of the guns.
I have noticed that if the units are on fire at will, they will stop shooting at the enemy after a few volleys if they are hitting their own guys in the back. This explains why your guns sometimes just stop shooting in the middle of melee battles in MI.
[/B][/QUOTE]
sorry to blow your bubble guys
STW does have friendly fire, same with WE-MI.
Load old STW and try the same as Techno's test above,
you'll see...
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DoragonBarocca of Clan Doragon (http://doragon.cjb.net)
Kraellin
10-27-2001, 13:56
vanya,
that sounds like those old michael jordan/larry bird commercials where they bounce a basketball off roofs and buildings......nothing but net ;)
K.
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I'm sorry, but i never apologize.
BakaGaijin
10-27-2001, 23:49
Krae: Yeah, I think that was the point. http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/wink.gif
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Disappear into the Darkness!!
Steeleye
10-28-2001, 00:06
erm... barocca - STW certainly DIDN'T have good friendly fire rules, as one of the most effective strategies was to line YS in front of Musk's - musks killed hardly any of your men, even in melee, whilst murdering the enemy and sapping their morale. Can't say i know about MI, as I've hardly played it online because of the morale problems (as have not all of my clan).
Gun rules in STW suck. There's a post about them just about every time i log onto this forum.
Kyodaispan
Hmmm... I'm getting that warm fuzzy feeling all over again... Perhaps this will become a Lucasesque trilogy of some sorts...
Major Robert Dump
11-07-2001, 01:00
Can I be Jar-Jar?
BakaGaijin
11-07-2001, 04:48
No.
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Disappear into the Darkness!!
If you have a friendly unit just in front of a shooting gun unit, watch the guns closely. You'll see that not all of the guns in the front row fire. The men whose line of sight is blocked by their own men do not fire. This accounts for the low friendly kills when the shooter is just behind a friendly unit. If the friendly and enemy are together and some distance away, then the casualties are more evenly distributed between the two.
MizuYuuki ~~~
Clan Takiyama ~~~
SlackerXS
11-07-2001, 15:04
my friendly fire from my gunner actually scared my monkies off the melee battle... blah...
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SlackER ~ Extreme
Steeleye is correct re:- STW vs WE/MI and Puzz3D has provided the reason why,
as long as your unit stands still in front of your gunners, only those gunners with a clear line of sight will fire,
as soon as mellee starts - accidents happen...
another 'problem' for the next WE/MI patch???
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DoragonBarocca of Clan Doragon (http://doragon.cjb.net)
BakaGaijin
11-07-2001, 23:42
barroca: Actually, I'd be happier if that wasn't fixed. It can be annoying, but it's a nice touch of realism. It brings to mind a potential tactic: But units ahead of the muskets on loose formation, then close them up just as the enemy approaches and order the muskets to move off to the sides (flanking the enemy and avoiding friendly kills).
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Disappear into the Darkness!!
Scotticus TheGreat
11-07-2001, 23:53
Pertaining to friendly fire, does the AI realize this? Will they stop firing when melee starts? I've noticed that sometimes they'll keep on firing on my naginata while they're no-dachi get rather decimated, what have y'all seen?
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Life doesn't seem through bad with Led Zepplin floating through the ears
barocca,
Everything I've observed suggests that the targetting ai does not take motion into account. That's why archers can't hit charging YC for instance. They can't even hit rapidly advancing gun units. If the guns are firing into a melee of units, the position of the men will change by the time the bullets arrive. I would think that the farther away you are the more things will change by the tinme the bullets arrive. Up close, you would expect the guns to do much better hitting what they aimed at, and they're only firing at enemies. Those two factors make guns devastating up close. A frontal assualt on gun backed troops is not a good tactic.
Scotticus TheGreat,
I have seen archers stop firing on a melee, but I'm not sure about guns. If you directly command archers to shoot at a melee then they shoot until you stop them.
MizuYuuki ~~~
Clan Takiyama ~~~
There most certainly is freindly fire
Cmon Vanya, continue http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
[Musketeer #1 -- Agador]
[Musketeer #2 -- Kong]
[The two musketeers were feasting on the headless pigeon, when a band of brigands ride into town.]
[Kong]: Hey, look at those ruffians riding in...
[Agador]: Wha-- oh no! [Turns away from brigands]
[Kong]: What? You know them?
[Agador]: I owe them money...
[Kong]: What did you do?
[Agador]: I bet 5000 koku in a naked geisha race... and my geisha lost big -- she came last!
[Kong]: Geezuz!
[Agador]: And afterwards, I chose not to pay him and, to make matters worse, he walked in on me when I was 'enjoying' the company of his wife, 2 daughters and his mother!
[Kong]: I'M NOT WORTHY!
[Agador]: Lets get out of here!
[The two get up and sneak out the front door, slipping past some peasants and run into a nearby monastary.]
[Agador]: This will be the last place they venture into. We should be safe here.
[Kong]: We are Imperial Arquebusiers! Why should we hide from these ruffians?
[Agador]: GAH! We are two, and they are many! Plus, we should choose our battles wisely, as we have no spearmen to protect us from an attack.
[Kong]: So, what now?
[Just then, the head monk walks in.]
[Egg Foo]: Welcome to the house of Buddha. Wait! You bring weapons into His House! That is sacrilege!
[Agador]: SHHH! We are hiding...!
[Egg Foo]: Oh?
[Agador]: You must hide us. We are Imperial Arquebusiers... And these ruffians, if they see me, will kill us all!
[Egg Foo]: Well then, since you are in the service of our beloved Emperor... I need some assistance.
[Agador]: What kind of assistance...?
[Egg Foo]: There is a great Evil spreading over the land ever since Sibalinga was taken from us. Our lands have dried up, our livestock has all died... And our women... they have all been stolen!
[Kong]: The women...?
[Agador]: Hmmm...
[Kong]: What's Sibalinga?
[Agador]: A myth. Its the fabled severed head of Vanya Fukushima. Mere folklore. Nothing but tall tales used to frighten the children...
[Kong]: [Cringes] What does that mean?
[Agador]: [Whispers] If this is true, fortune and glory! Fortune... and... glory!
[Kong]: Where did this Evil come from?
[Egg Foo]: An ancient Evil resides once more in Nakatome castle. From Nakatome, the Evil is spreading over the whole country... the whole country...
[Agador]: And exactly what is it you want us to do about it?
[Egg Foo]: This Evil has threatenned to close down the monastary if we cannot pay off our debt... you see, we took a loan from the Evil ones to renovate the graveyard. We need money. And lots of it.
[Agador]: What?!?
[Kong]: What?!?
[Egg Foo]: I need 100,000 koku by next Friday, or the monastary will be razed!
[Agador]: Well... I don't think that would be the end of the world now... you could always move...
[Egg Foo]: Can you imagine a man of my age riding an ass to the next village?
[Kong]: [Rolls eyes] Well...
[Egg Foo]: Do this deed for me, and I will shelter you from the ruffians. Do this not, and I shall seek them and hand you over to them at once!
[Agador]: Why you...
[Kong]: Agador! Lets be reasonable... [To Egg Foo] you will give us supplies for our journey... yes?
[Egg Foo]: I can spare 15 grains of rice and a pint of sake.
[Agador]: Whaa---
[Egg Foo]: That is more than most people eat here in a week.
[Kong]: Come on, Agador, lets take the goods and be on our way.
[Agador]: GAH! [Looks at Kong with a glare]
[Kong]: Why you looking at me like that?
[Agador]: What do you mean? How am I looking at you?
[Kong]: You're giving me that look...
[Agador]: What look?
[Kong]: The one that says "You know everything because you're a samurai, and I know nothing because I'm an Ashigaru..."
[Agador]: But... you're NOT an Ashigaru...
[Kong]: OHH! [Turns and weeps]
[Agador]: [To Egg Foo] Fine, we shall depart in the morning.
[Egg Foo leaves.]
[Agador]: I think we are going to need help. We should reunite the unit...
[Kong]: But, the other members are all on leave...
[Agador]: We must find them if we want to have a chance...
[More to follow...]
[This message has been edited by Vanya (edited 11-08-2001).]
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif But where were the silly shots?
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
[This message has been edited by Zone (edited 11-08-2001).]
Quote Originally posted by Zone:
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif But where were the silly shots?
[/QUOTE]
GAH! I have to set up the next round of silly shots...
And plus, if you didn't 'get' all the referential jokes in there... :O
[This message has been edited by Vanya (edited 11-08-2001).]
Is GAH short for anything or just an exclamation?
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Quote Originally posted by Zone:
Is GAH short for anything or just an exclamation?
[/QUOTE]
Just an exclamation, like 'BAH!', 'BAM!', or just plain 'Hello good chap!', etc.
At least, that is what it is *to me*... I know the pygmies among us think this word is sacred somehow.
[Ducks to dodge swinging blade from cutting off his head... then remembers he carries his head in a satchel strapped to my saddle.]
[This message has been edited by Vanya (edited 11-09-2001).]
Scotticus TheGreat
11-10-2001, 00:07
Encore Encore! It's turning into an addiction, must... not... read... more. It's no good, I need MORE!
Behemoth
11-10-2001, 00:45
Hmmmm.....
-Two Guys
-A mission from God
-Getting the band back together
Which one is Belushi?
HEHE.
-B.
hmm - i wonder if the 'unit' has a blind arquebusier...
can't wait for the tunnel scene with the bazooka equipped geisha !!
Quote Originally posted by Behemoth:
Hmmmm.....
-Two Guys
-A mission from God
-Getting the band back together
Which one is Belushi?
HEHE.
-B.[/QUOTE]
Surely you didn't miss the other references to "Nuns on the Run", "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom", and "The Birdcage"... 8-)
But, you did remind me of some cool 'opportunities' here... will have to expand Blues Brothers references... hehe
[This message has been edited by Vanya (edited 11-09-2001).]
BakaGaijin
11-10-2001, 03:22
"It's 106 miles to Nakatome, we've got a half bag of rice and a full satchel of gun powder, it's dark, and we're carrying Arquebuses."
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/wink.gif
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Disappear into the Darkness!!
Gah! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
(thought it was some sort of hairball)
Don't forget the floating nun
And they must stop on the way to Nakatome to entertain the local peasants!
And do they get to meet Egg Foo the younger?
BakaGaijin
11-10-2001, 06:21
I suppose Vanya will reveal all shortly. =)
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Disappear into the Darkness!!
I have found when I put muskets 3 rows deep they blow their comrades to bits. This is really annoying because if you have an unbalanced army, say 6 muskets, 2 no-dachi & 1 yari samurai you have to place muskets in a very long line (using 2 rows deep) which leaves you totally open for any type of flank/unbalanced attack. I think on the whole muskets should be made to have something better about them because they have soooo many disadvantages. I can't believe japan moved in favour of guns over archers with......um well I just can't believe japan moved in favour of guns. No they didn't, I wont believe anyone who says so. No No No.
BakaGaijin
11-12-2001, 23:08
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
That is all.
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Disappear into the Darkness!!
NEWBIE ALERT!!!!!!!!! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/tongue.gif
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Obake
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
I still think it is CHEE ZEE that folks pull their guns back just behind infantry and it's MY men who pee themselves and run off. The ratio there (friendly vs enemy casualties) is waaaay off in my opinion. Do these musketts have rifled barrels, scopes and bipods??
BakaGaijin
11-13-2001, 04:31
MIZ: Actually, recent anthropology indicates that the Japanese teppo may have been equipped with a primitive version of the modern OICW's projectile impact calculators. While cumbersome in a melee fight due to its massive size (the system consisted of a high-quality telescope and several abaci), it did allow the Teppo to safely fire through their own ranks, often even calculating ricochet trajectories which glanced off the armour of friendly soldiers to go ballistic and hit otherwise impossible shots by approaching from above.
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/wink.gif
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Disappear into the Darkness!!
LOL Ok, I guess we need Vanya to translate the mechanics of said thingamagigee into laymans terms and describe the operation of such a device in the heat of battle http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
I can just see Kong and Agador each with their "squires" (equipped with umbrellas) two men carrying large brass telescopes with big tripods and three men in voluminous robes wearing funny hats hands poised over the beads of their ready abacus'. LOL
I thought he said Lucasesque trilogy - 3 trilogies!
Shamless bump really to try and get the next instalment http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
[Agador and Kong have been traveling by foot through the countryside for several days now. They are tired, and their feet hurt.]
[Agador]: What is that I see up ahead...?
[Kong]: I don't know... Lets go check it out...
[A few minutes later, they arrive at the scene after a vigorous run. There lies a chubby peasant in the shade of a tree next to a fancy rickshaw.]
[Agador]: [To pudgy man lying in the grass] Hello, there, stranger! Say, is that your rickshaw?
[Wong]: Ohh! Hello! Yes, this my rickshaw.
[Kong]: Uhmm... why does it saw 'Rick Straw' on its side...?
[Wong]: Never mind sign! I driver. You passenger. 2 koku. Where you go?
[Agador]: Well, we could use a ride, as it is hot and our feet hurt...
[Wong]: I offer fine, warm sake in my rickshaw too!
[Kong]: Lets go then!
[The two hop into the rickshaw and Wong starts pulling them down the road.]
[A Man]: [Running out from a bush with his pants down] HEY! COME BACK HERE! Thats my ride!
[Kong]: Who was that?
[Agador]: GAH! Nobody now! LOL [To Kong] Do you still have your pay? I spent all my koku back in town...
[Kong]: Oh yeah! No problem. I got way more than 2 koku. We fine!
[Agador]: Can you make sure?
[Kong]: Don't you believe me?
[Agador]: I know you like to drink... Just check... will ya?
[Kong]: [Opens money bag and looks in. Gasps and gives Agador a blank look.] Oh-oh...
[Agador]: What?
[Kong]: [Whispers] I have no koku at all! Nothing! I'm broke!
[Agador]: WHA--
[Kong]: Shhh!!!
[Agador]: OK... when we get close to the next town, pretend to need to take a leak, and we'll ditch this bozo.
[Kong]: Good plan!
[Several hours later, after passing through the Shinano mountains, they find themselves near a small town in the middle of nowhere.]
[Kong]: Yo, driver! I need to take a leak! Can you stop?
[Wong]: No problem! [Brings rickshaw to a stop.]
[Kong and Agador both run into the bushes to drain their lizards.]
[Wong]: [After 5 minutes] Ohh... you drink lotta sake, yes!
[Wong]: [After 6 minutes] Ohh... musta been all my sake! Damn!
[Wong]: [After 7 minutes] What you two doing in there!?! [Goes into bushes, sees nobody and frieks out.]
[Agador]: [Looks over shoulder, already in full stride] Lets move it! I think he made us!
[Kong]: Gah! He'll never catch up to us...
[Wong]: [At the top of his lungs] I WANT MY 2 KOKUUUU! [Grabs rickshaw and races towards Kong and Agador, but he has a long way to catch up.]
[In the background, both Agador and Kong can hear Wong screaming at the top of his lungs!]
[20 minutes later...]
[Kong]: Damn, that li'll bastid is catching up with us! And he's dragging that huge rickshaw with him!
[Agador]: Keep moving! [Reaches for arquebus, loads it on the run, and aims it forward at a nearby rock.]
[Wong]: He's just a peasant, don't kill him...!
[Agador]: [Aims a little lower and fires. The bullet bounces off the rock, goes straight up where it hits a bird and changes direction towards Wong, where it strikes the roof of the rickshaw and bounces down and splits the axle on the left wheel, causing the rickshaw to turn over, thus burying Wong underneath the wrecked vehicle.] He he. And now... [stretches out hand, catches dead bird falling from the sky with no head] ...we have dinner too!
[Wong]: I WANT MY 2 KOKUUUU!
[Kong]: Eerie! I can still hear him yelling...
[The two head into town. They see a local sake bar with a sign that reads: 'Tonight: Rick Straw and the Jesuit Tide'.]
[Kong]: Hey, look! Rick Straw! That's what it said on the rickshaw!
[A man comes out of the bar.]
[Beerman]: Are you Rick Straw?
[Agador]: Why... yes!
[Beerman]: Alright! We've been waiting for you for over an hour now! Come on in! The fee will be 45 koku, as we discussed...
[Kong]: Huh?
[Beerman]: Where is your equipment?
[Agador]: We carry what we need.
[Beerman]: Well then, come on in!
[They enter the tavern. There, they see a crazy-looking long-haired freak dancing on the stage and chanting strange things. When Agador and Kong enter, the crazy man yells...]
[Geemuni]: A visitor has blessed us! HAH! The imperial domination will soon end! HAH! Do you see the light! HAH! Tell me brothers, DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT! HAH!
[Crowd]: [In unison] Yes! WE SEE THE LIGHT!
[Geemuni]: [To Agador and Kong] DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT!? HAH!
[Agador]: OK...
[Kong]: Hey, we could use that 45 koku, ya know...
[Agador]: Yeah, follow my lead...
[Kong]: OK...
[Agador]: I SEE THE LIGHT! I SEE THE LIGHT!
[Geemuni]: COME UP MY BROTHER!
[Agador runs up to the stage, where he dances his heart out... in his mind]
[Geemuni]: [Calms down] What are ya going to sing for us today? Something inspirational... something Jesuit, yes?
[Kong]: [Whispers to Agador] We are Buddhist? What do we do now???
[Agador]: [You know the words to 'Raw Fish'... right? Them crazy christians like fisherman tales... they will see whatever they want out of the song... follow me...]
[Kong]: Oh boy!
[Agador and Kong]: [Chanting] Rinse it out, clean it up, chop it up, eat it raw! / Rinse it out, clean it up, chop it up, eat it raw! Enjoy raw fiiiiiish!...
[2 hours later, after having repeated that song countless times...]
[Agador]: I need a break. [Head over to Beerman] Can we have our 45 koku now?
[Beerman]: Sure. Here ya go.
[Kong]: But... but thats only 1 koku!
[Beerman]: You only sang one song. The 45 koku was for 45 songs.
[Agador]: [Grabs the 1 koku, punches Beerman in the face.] Quick, Kong, get what you can before the crowd notices.
[Kong]: [Rifles through his pockets. Finds only a Gideon bible and a used hanky.] GAH!
[Agador]: Lets just get out of here!
[The two run outside. Beerman gets up and goes after them. Outside, they here a faint eerie sound. All 3 pause to here it more closely...]
[Sound, getting closer]
[Sound]: I WANT MY 2 KOKUUUUU!
[Agador]: Shit! That little bastid! Lets MOOVE!
[Beerman]: What's that...?
[Wong appears in the distance, pulling his rickshaw behind him... he must have fixed it...]
[Beerman]: [Gasping for breath after a few yards, gives up chase for Agador and Kong.]
[Wong]: I WANT MY 2 KOKUUUU!
[Beerman]: [Sees 'Rick Straw' on the side of Wong's rickshaw as he passes by.] HEY! You Rick Straw...?
[Wong]: Yeah... no... well, yeah... I mean, OK...
[Beerman]: DAG NABIT! Those idiots stole my 1 koku!
[Wong]: They steal from you too? Hop on! We both go get them!
[Geemuni]: [Comes out of bar] Were those infidel buddhists...?
[Wong]: Yeah! Buddhists! Yeah!
[Beerman and Geemuni hop into the rickshaw. Wong takes off after Agador and Kong.]
[Beerman]: Say, you have any sake here?
[Geemuni]: Me must purge the heretics!
[Wong]: I WANT MY 2 KOKUUUUU!
[Meanwhile, up ahead...]
[Agador]: Hah! We lost them!
[Kong]: I hope so...
[As they stroll along the road in peace under the clear sky, they happen across a lone traveler on the road. They walk up to him...]
[Agador]: Hello! Nice night, eh?
[Stranger]: Uh?
[Agador]: Ah, the stars, so clear in the sky... not a cloud... so peaceful...
[Stranger]: Uh?
[Kong]: Ahem. I think he's blind, Agador...
[Agador]: Wha--?
[Kong]: [Nods silently]
[Agador]: [Takes a closer look, gets REALLY close to stranger's face.]
[Stranger]: [Reaches out and grabs Agador's face and shoves his index finger up his nose. After a minute or so of feeling over his face...] Agador...? Is that you...?
[Agador]: Do I know you...?
[Stranger]: Agador???
[Agador]: That's my name...
[Stranger]: It is I, Fatsumo! I was your teacher, and you were my best...
[Agador]: ...student... FATSUMO!
[The two hug each other and shed tears of joy.]
[Fatsumo]: What is that you carry there...?
[Agador]: I'm an Imperial Arquebusier now!
[Fatsumo]: Ahso! You have advanced far from the old days of shooting grasshoppers with that chinese matchlock gun I brought from the mainland...
[Agador]: [Smiles]
[Fatsumo]: Say, whatever happened to that flower of yours... Ling?
[Kong]: Who is Ling?
[Fatsumo]: The fairest geisha of them all! It was over her that I lost my sight...
[Agador]: GAH! She decided I could not justify her love as I was not Daimyo or Shogun...
[Fatsumo]: Oh, what a geisha! Too bad, Agador... I really liked her...
[Agador]: I know... that is why you tried to get her drunk that night and jump her bones when she was trying to seduce the Shogun's son...
[Kong]: Dang! You must have been pissed...
[Agador]: Well... I was... but then, it was the Shogun's son... what can you realistically do? You challenge him, and your nuts will decorate his latrine...
[Kong]: Ouch!
[Agador]: Exactly!
[Kong]: So then what happened?
[Agador]: [Laughs] I should let Fatsumo tell that part...
[Fatsumo]: Some things are best left forgotten...
[Agador]: And you had to remind me of that... that...
[Kong]: Flower? [Snickers]
[Fatsumo]: So where ya headed?
[Agador]: We are headed to Echigo to see if some of our friends will join us on our quest. We're on a mission from Buddha.
[Fatsumo]: A mission from Buddha, eh? I must join you then! So many of the peasants now are joining the faith of the Jesuits. We must drive these infidels out of our land!
[Agador]: Well, its not such a grandiose mission, now...
[Fatsumo]: We have all the time in the world. You can fill me in on our walk into town...
[More to follow]
[This message has been edited by Vanya (edited 11-15-2001).]
Me gods! It worked! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
------------------
Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Cant wait till our hero's reunite the unit! Fatsumo... LOL! They better get with their friends fast because every stranger they meet are soon after them...lol
MUST BUMP http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
------------------
Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
A pre-holiday epidode for y'all....
---------------------------------------------
[The gang passes through the town and continues on to Echigo. Several days later, along the way...]
[Fatsumo]: I feel a disturbance up ahead...
[Kong]: Wha--- How can you tell?
[Agador]: He has a 'nose' for these things.
[Fatsumo]: [Sniffs noticeably in the air] I sense despair...
[Kong]: Hey look! There seems to be a man stooped over by that tree up ahead!
[Agador]: Perhaps we should see if he is OK...
[The group reaches the sullen stranger.]
[Agador]: Are you OK there, Sir?
[Kong]: Hmm... are you a samurai? Your dress looks like it sports the Uesugi colors...
[Stranger]: I no longer serve my master.
[Kong]: Are you a ronin?
[Stranger]: No. My master was killed trying to save his 3 daughters from being kidnapped.
[Agador]: Who took them?
[Stranger]: The same bastids that ransacked our fortress and slaughtered our army. We had no chance. Our Daiymo survived and gave chase to save his daughters, but was cut down by the enemy horsemen.
[Fatsumo]: What else?
[Stranger]: Their army carried a strange banner... it looked like a rotting head of some sort...
[Fatsumo]: Are they cannibals? Do they make eyeball soup?
[Stranger]: I don't know... I didn't want to stick around to find out...
[Agador]: Sibalinga.
[Fatsumo]: Nooo... can't be! Surely, you must be kidding.
[Stranger]: I am not kidding. And don't call me Shirley.
[Kong]: Come again?
[Agador]: These brigands seem to believe they have Sibalinga.
[Fatsumo]: Oh... I grow weary just thinking about it...
[Stranger]: What is 'Sibalinga'...
[Agador]: Legend has it that hundreds of years ago, a Shaolin monk of Tatar origins immigrated to Japan to fight the samurai. Once in Japan, he assumed the name Vanya Fukushima. Combat was his one true passion. He would attack any warriors he came across, even if they were amidst a raging battle. After a while, several noble daimyos fell to his sword, and he cut off their heads, shrunk them and decorated a hellish necklace with their heads. He instilled such terror in the people, that the remaining warlords all gathered their forces to hunt him down. This they did, and he was beheaded. But his sheer Evil was beyond the capacity for the grave to hold. His body awakened from the dead and went in search of its head. But he was invincible, for he could not be killed, and countless warriors perished trying to take him out. In the end, a single monk in Nagashima, having secured the head he was searching for, lured the headless horseman to a temple and trapped him in an eternal prison from which he cannot escape. How he pulled this off is a mystery to this date.
[Kong]: Shiii--- and this is what we are up against?
[Agador]: No no no! Since then, bickering factions have come to believe that any army that bears the severed head of the headless horseman before them in battle will likewise be invincible. It seems that this raiding party carried with them the head, known by some as Sibalinga.
[Stranger]: So thats why we never had a chance. Our arrows seemed made of paper. Our swords of straw...
[Agador]: If this is true, then we have a big problem, for we will never defeat this Evil.
[Kong]: So what do we do now...?
[Fatsumo]: We must awaken the headless horseman and free him from his tomb. The body will stop at nothing to reunite with its head.
[Stranger]: That sounds dangerous...
[Fatsumo]: It is. Very much so. But the creature will destroy the Evil that is plaguing our lands. Once it reunites with its head, he will become mortal once again.
[Kong]: That means we can kill him...
[Fatsumo]: Exactly, my son.
[Kong]: If all the emperor's men failed to kill this bastid before, what makes you think we can accomplish this feat.
[Agador]: We have superior weapons and state of mind. Plus, the headless horseman never faced guns in his time...
[Kong]: I see...
[Agador]: That is why we must reunite the unit. We will need the power of a full salvo to have a chance.
[Stranger]: If your unit was in Echigo, they are dead...
[Agador]: Damn!
[Fatsumo]: The road to Nirvana is paved in thorns.
[Kong]: I think we just sat on the Mother of All Thorns then...
[Agador]: So... what is your name, stranger?
[Stranger]: I am Miso Horti
[Kong]: Will you join us?
[Miso]: Of course! I have no gun, only my trusty katana.
[Agador]: Good. You can protect our unit.
[Fatsumo]: Don't forget me...
[Agador]: Of course, Fatsumo. You have always been there to help since my childhood. You were there to provide for us when our father was killed in Nakatome... when my brothers will skinned alive by a Takeda raiding party... when my sisters were sent off to fill the harems of the Chinese emperor...
[Kong]: Stop it! You are depressing me...
[The band heads on to Echigo, hoping to find surviving members of their unit. Upon arrival, they find only a tavern still standing amidst the rubble. They enter the tavern...]
[Barkeep]: Who goes there?
[Agador]: We are members of the Imperial Corps of Arquebusiers.
[Barkeep]: Get out! The barbarians will kill us all if they find you here!
[Fatsumo]: Are there any other arquebusiers here?
[Barkeep]: Git! Leave! Shooo!
[A man in the back stands up. Behind him, 3 others stand up seconds later.]
[Sake drinker #1]: I am an arquebusier. Huh... is that you Agador?
[Agador]: Yes, it is me... Jotito?
[Jotito]: YES!
[The arquebusiers run to each other and hug.]
[Jotito]: Want some sake?
[Agador]: Yeah! Boy do we have some things to talk about... You see, we are on a mission from Buddha...
[The men sit, drink sake and bring Jotito and his men up to date.]
[Agador]: So, get your gear. We have to head to Nagashima.
[Kong]: You mean Nakatome...?
[Fatsumo]: The horseman's tomb is in Nagashima...
[Kong]: DOH! Of course!
[Jotito]: Geez... I can't... I promised my geisha I'd sweep the floors this week. She'd kill me if she knew I was going on this adventure.
[Agador]: You can do the floors when we get back.
[Kong]: Assuming we get back...
[Agador]: She'll understand its a divine calling.
[Jotito's wife]: [Comes into the tavern looking for her hubby.] Jotito! Who are these men?
[Jotito]: Honey Bunny! These men... are... my superiors in the Arquebusier Corps...
[Jotito's wife]: Uhh-huhh. Looks like these fools are up to no good... [Looks Agador over from head to toe with a denigrating smirk.]
[Agador]: We're on a mission from---
[Jotito's wife]: A mission?!? I thought you LEFT the corps to come spend time with ME! Don't you care about ME? Is it THEY you LOVE?
[Jotito]: Calm down, Honey Bunny! I swear, this mission will only take a day or two. I'll be back before you can say 'rice pudding'.
[Jotito's wife]: Uhh-huhh. Rice pudding!
[Jotito]: GAH!
[Agador]: Come on. We are wasting time.
[Jotito]: I gotta go, honey...
[Jotito's wife]: And who's going to wash my floors?
[Jotito]: Ask our neighbor, Ned Hosers. You like his yuppie, wise-cracking smart-ass anyway...
[Jotito's wife]: OOOHHHHH!
[Jotito]: LETS GO!
[The men run out the door. Jotito's wife chases them out of town waving a huge broom.]
[Agador]: What they heck is that...?
[Jotito]: Sounds like some idiot yelling he wants some koku...
[Kong]: Wong! Oh crap!
[They look back and see Wong racing down the mountain slopes headed straight for them at full speed.]
[Wong]: I WANT MY 2 KOKUUUUU!
[Kong]: Looks like he has 2 passengers...
[The men look closely, trying to peer into the carriage.]
[Beerman]: COME BACK HERE! YOU OWE ME BEER MONEY!
[Geemuni]: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?!? EMBRACE THE LORD! REPENT!
[Agador]: [Stops cold, pulls out arquebus and loads it.] OK... we need to put some distance between us.
[Jotito]: Just what the hell do you think you are doing?
[Kong]: Just watch.
[Fatsumo]: Places hands over ears. Righteous men takes the path of non-violence.
[Agador]: I won't hurt anybody. [Fires the gun. The bullet strays off and hits nothing. But, Wong fliches after going through the last episode, and closes his eyes. His rickshaw loses control and smashes into Jotito's wife, knocking her off her feet. The rickshaw rolls over a number of times and comes to a halt.]
[Kong]: You missed...
[Agador]: No I didn't. I just didn't need to hit anything.
[Kong]: S-W-E-E-T !
[Jotito]: D-U-D-E ! What did you do?
[Agador]: Trust me, they are fine.
[Geemuni]: Umph! [Pulls his face out from between Jotito's wife's legs.] I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!
[Beerman]: [Farts]
[Wong]: I WANT MY 2 KOKUUUuuuu... Dang! WHO FARTED?!?
[The men tread on towards Nagashima. 3 Days later...]
[Agador]: OK, fellas. The temple is just over that mountain range.
[Kong]: Geez... its only 8 of us.
[Fatsumo]: Nine. Buddha is on our side.
[Soon, they come across a Jesuit priest on the road.]
[Priest]: Blessed be the Lord, for I have found new sheep to tend to!
[Fatsumo]: What the hell did you just say?
[Priest]: Where are you lads headed?
[Agador]: Nagashima.
[Priest]: Me too! What are the odds?
[Kong]: We are Buddhist. Get lost.
[Agador]: Now now, Kong. Be nice. Just because he is a heretic that is doomed to bannishment from Nirvana does not mean we have to be mean to him.
[Jotito]: Say, what is that big stick you carry there?
[Priest]: You see, I am headed to Nagashima too... to perform an exorcism on a local monk there. Seems he has been possessed by an evil spirit. Well, his wife is distressed...
[Agador]: LOL A monk with a wife... What planet do you live on?
[Priest]: That is what I was told.
[Agador]: Well, you can walk with us if you want. Safety in numbers.
[Priest]: Thank you, noble lord.
[Agador]: I am not a lord. I am not even a Samurai. I am teppo.
[Priest]: Hmmm...
[Kong]: Don't worry, you are safe with us...
[Priest]: Well... if you say so. Ashigaru are so unreliable...
[Fatsumo]: So, why do they think this monk is possessed?
[Priest]: All was fine, they say, until some visitors from Nakatome came by. They didn't take anything, but the visit left him delusional. None of the traditional buddhist remedies helped him. We offered to give him an exorcism if he would convert to the Cross. He did. It is his only chance now...
[Agador]: Hmmm... I wonder what those visitors were looking for...
[Kong]: Vanya.
[Priest]: Who?
[Jotito]: Your evil being.
[Priest]: Who?
[Agador]: Fuhgettabatit. You don't want to know... And you probably don't want to get involved. Once we get to Nagashima, we can go our separate ways.
[Priest]: The Lord works in mysterious ways, my son. Our paths have converged because He has willed it. Say, why are you headed to Nagashima anyway...?
[Fatsumo]: It seems to be for the same reason you are...
[To be continued...]
[This message has been edited by Vanya (edited 11-20-2001).]
It works like a charm http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif ! Write bump and another episode appears!
------------------
Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Where will the final battle be fought??? Totomi perhaps??
Don't know, don't care, just BUMP! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
------------------
Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
[Our venerable heroes march on towards the temples of Nagashima.]
[Kong]: Well, you never really answered my question about that big staff... why does a priest carry a weapon?
[Priest]: This is not a weapon, it is an instrument of the Lord. [He pulls at the top to reveal a smooth, shiny dagger with ornate decorations.]
[Kong]: What is that?
[Priest]: The sacred dagger of Ayanti.
[Agador]: What is it for?
[Priest]: To slay demons with.
[Jotito]: You must be kidding...
[Priest]: I kid you not. You plunge this into the heart of a demon and he will forever be bannished to Hell.
[Miso]: Such superstitions! No wonder the people flock to your faith. Their fickle minds are easily swayed.
[Agador]: Look! Nagashima! [Points to the temple in the distance.]
[As they approach the temple, they can hear maniacal screams comming from inside.]
[Kong]: Shall we knock?
[Agador]: Well... the door is open...
[Miso]: GAH! Wimps! [Barges into the dark room.]
[Agador]: Hello??
[Behind them, a monk appears and greets them.]
[Monk]: Welcome to Nagashima.
[Priest]: I am here for the patient.
[Monk]: Ah yes! This way, please.
[The monks lead the group to a small, dark room. Inside, is a foul little man screaming his nuts off.]
[Agador]: He looks mad.
[Kong]: Can't be glad.
[Miso]: This is so sad.
[Priest]: Let me do my work. [Pulls out Ayanti and raises it over his head.]
[Miso]: Good Buddha! You will kill him!
[Priest]: No. I will kill the demon!
[Monk]: Come, lets let him do his craft.
[The monk pushes the rest of the men out of the room and closes the door. Inside, the foul little man can still be heard screaming as they walked away.]
[Agador]: We come on a mission from Buddha. We have much to discuss.
[Monk]: We have time. What is it you seek...?
[Agador explains the mission to the monk. Then he gets to his reason for visiting Nagashima...]
[Monk]: You are crazy! We must never reanimate the creature!
[Agador]: We have no choice! Plus, the legend says he can be killed once he gets his head.
[Monk]: That is bologna! Those are misconceptions laid out in folklore!
[Miso]: So... what would actually happen...?
[Monk]: According to our sacred manuscripts... it is complicated. You see, first of all, he can only attach his head between midnight and dawn. And he is only mortal until the first ray of the day strikes him. At that point, well... it is a matter of debate what happens next. Some scholars think he is the fourth of his kind.
[Kong]: Geez! There are more?
[Miso]: So what if he is fourth or tenth...
[Monk]: Well... the fourth is the key. The ancient greeks considered the number 4 to be the perfect number.
[Agador]: Who were the geeks?
[Monk]: Many religions have similar theories. The Jesuits have their theory of the apocalypse... that 4 'antichrists' would raise up and undo the work of God. Our forefathers believed in something similar. The belief is that the fourth horseman to walk the earth would bring about the end of the world.
[Miso]: And what if he is just the third?
[Monk]: Well... you see... that is the matter of debate among the scholars. Some think he is just the third, some think he is the fourth and still others think he is just the second. But, one thing is for sure... Buddha slew the first one.
[Agador]: I have never heard of such a thing in my entire life!
[Monk]: This information is contained in a manuscript written by Buddha himself. It is safe here at Nagashima. But it has been kept secret so as to not bring about mass panic amongst the peasantry.
[Jotito]: So what happens after dawn?
[Monk]: The legend suggests that the dead shall rise from the grave and form a massive army, and that the headless horseman will lead it in a crusade against all living things.
[Miso]: Damn!
[Monk]: Pestilence shall spread across the lands. Fire will rain down from the heavens. And the army of darkness shall sweep over all that are left.
[Jotito]: And if he is not the fourth?
[Monk]: The fourth can only arrive after the third has perished. So if he is the third, killing him will pave the way for the fourth to make his appearance.
[Agador]: Sounds like killing him is a bad idea then...
[Monk]: Yes.
[Jotito]: So now what?
[Agador]: Any chance we could imprison him again in his tomb?
[Monk]: I don't know. Surely, the last trick wouldn't work again. But, nobody knows how he was entombed.
[Agador]: Is there any way we can verify that the head these morons are carrying around is indeed the creature's head?
[Monk]: Bring it to the temple and our scholars can study it and tell you for sure.
[Kong]: Bring the head? Just how are we to do that?
[Miso]: Well... awakenning him is worse. Surely worse than some old koot losing his monastary over a gambling debt...
[Agador]: Well... when you put it that way...
[Monk]: Say... what happens if this debt you are trying to clear is legitimate? Defeating this army will not wipe it clean if this is the case...
[Kong]: Can't be! The enemy is so vile and evil that it just has to be illegitimate.
[Agador]: Hmm... thats a good question. If so, we would still need to come up with 100 thousand koku...
[Monk]: That is a lot of koku, my son.
[Agador]: Anything you can help us out with would be much appreciated... and if we don't need it, we will bring it back to you.
[Monk]: We are a humble abode. But, and our finances are restricted to preserving the teachings of Buddha, and we have little to spare. But, I hear the church of the Jesuits possess rivers of gold.
[Kong]: Gold!
[Miso]: Money will always be paper... but GOLD will always be GOLD!
[Fatsumo]: It would be irresponsible to knock off a religious institution to pay off a private debt.
[Agador]: You are right. We can't justify thievery in that magnitude... it would be contrary to Buddha's teachings...
[The monk leaves the room for a few minutes and returns with a small chest.]
[Monk]: Here. I can spare 1000 koku. [Hands agador a bad full of gold coins.]
[Agador]: That's... quite... generous. Thank you!
[Jotito]: By the way... why did that other monk go mad?
[Monk]: Ahh! Yes! Some men came by the other day asking the same questions as you are.
[Agador]: Who?
[Monk]: The ones you referred to as 'morons'...
[Agador]: Why didn't you say so?!?
[Monk]: We monks strive to be impartial.
[Kong]: So you would offer solace to these criminals?
[Monk]: We are all Buddha's children.
[Miso]: GAH! No wonder we are in this mess.
[Agador]: Where does the creature lie?
[Monk]: Here at Nagashima. That is all you need to know.
[Agador]: Does that lunatic know?
[Monk]: Yes...
[All in unison]: SHIT!
[Monk]: What?
[Agador]: That priest is trying to free the beast!
[Kong]: That idiot! What is he thinking!
[Miso]: Probably the same crazy ideas we were... but he thinks his little toy dagger will save him.
[The group runs back to the cell where they saw the foul little man.]
[Agador]: SHIT! The man is dead!
[Kong]: Where is the priest?!?
[They run back to where the monk sits.]
[Agador]: [Panting] Where is the tomb. That crazy priest is going to kill us all!
[Monk]: Surely, you must be kidding...
[Miso]: [Draws sword] Take us now or we shall make soup of your head!
[Monk]: Now, now! No need to get fiesty... this way...
[The monk leads the group down a labyrinthian maze of dark, dank corridors to an undergroud bunker. There, they see a huge silver seal, and the crazy priest kneeling before it in prayer.]
[Agador]: Just what is it you think you are doing?
[Priest]: REPENT! For the Final Judgement is at hand!
[Kong]: The what?
[Priest]: I do this to hasten the apocalypse! Today, I shall sleep in heaven!
[Miso]: Not so fast... [draws sword]
[The priest draws his little dagger as Miso rushes him. Before they meet, a shot is fired, and the priest loses his knife. Miso closes in and lops off his head with a swift stroke of his blade. The priest's blood seeps into the dry sand floor... An eerie rumble ensues.]
[Agador]: What the heck is that?
[Monk]: The creature smells blood.
[Kong]: Damnn!
[Miso]: Shit!
[Monk]: Don't worry, we are safe as long as that seal remains intact.
[Agador]: Hey! I just got an idea! Quickly, put the priest's head in a satchel!
[Kong]: What for?
[Miso]: Yum, yum! Eyeball soup!
[Agador]: We are not going to eat his eyeballs! For Buddha's sake! I'll explain on the way...
[Kong]: And the creature?
[Agador]: He will remain here, undisturbed. However, we need a volunteer to stay behind and break the seal if we do not return in one week.
[Benny]: [Benny is one of Jotito's men that joined the group.] I will stay.
[Agador]: OK. If in one week we are not back, you are to break that seal. If we are not back by then, we have failed in our mission and are probably dead.
[Kong]: Hey! If we are dead, we could make a comeback in the horseman's army of darkness!
[Miso]: Great! That is what I have strived for my entire life! To serve with a bunch of deadbeats!
[Fatsumo]: LOL
[Monk]: If you retrieve Sibalinga, bring it here and we can entomb it in a safe place for eternity! And bring back the koku if you don't use it!
[Agador]: We must depart at once!
[The men leave the temple to take the long road to Nakatome... when they see 100 Jesuit monks approaching the temple gates...]
[Agador]: I wonder what these chaps want...
[Priest #1]: Hello there! Have yee seen a Jesuit priest here?
[Agador]: Uh... no... Any of you seen a Jesuit priest around here?
[Kong]: [Looks around] Uh... no...
[Miso]: I haven't either. No...
[Fatsumo]: Surely you don't think I saw anything... LOL
[Jotito, who was still inside when the exchange started, rushes back and orders his men to grab the sacred dagger of Ayanti. Once he gets the dagger, he joins the group.]
[Priest #3]: Hey... is that blood on your hand...?
[Miso]: Blood... [Looks at his hand, sees a little of the priest's blood.] Oh yeah! I just... uhh... cut myself shaving...
[Priest #2]: But... you have a beard...?
[Miso]: Well... I had to stop because... I cut myself...
[Priest #1]: Well... we hope it heals safely. Bless you child!
[Agador]: Come on, lads, lets go!
[The group heads off down the road. The priests enter the temple, where they learn of the death of their fellow priest. Fortunately, Jotito's men dragged the body out to a pasture, so they did not learn of the location of the horseman's tomb. Enraged, they ignored the temple and gave chase to the fleeing heroes.]
[Agador]: Geez! Now we have 100 pissed off priests on our tails!
[Kong]: We better run! I think they are gaining on us!
[Jotito]: I hate those religious zealots!
[The men were running up a mountain path carved into the side of a steep mountain. A steep precipice on their side as a constant reminder of the increasing heights they were climbing to.]
[Agador]: [Panting] Damn! Those monks don't let up! We've climbed this mountain for 2 whole days, and they have not lost a step!
[Kong]: [Out of breath] We... must... rest...
[Miso]: Damn! Don't they train you arquebusiers at all?
[Agador]: That's it! Load your weapons! We will make a stand here!
[The men load both their primary arquebus and their backups. They settle into a 2 row formation, with the front row kneeling and the second standing. Miso and Fatsumo stand behind them with swords drawn.]
[Fatsumo]: Which way are they comming from...?
[Miso]: Just face this way. [Rotates Fatsumo to face the charging monks.]
[Agador]: Wait....
[Agador]: Wait....
[A few minutes later, as the monks reach within 100 yards of the heroes...]
[Agador]: Aim!
[The men take aim. The monks round the final corner and are now on a straightaway charging straight at the firing squad. As they approach, they raise their staffs and bibles and, in unison, let go a chilling battle cry...]
[Priests]: Death to the Buddhists! Heil the Horseman who shall bringeth his Justice onto you all!
[Agador]: FIRE!
[The whole squad lets go a thundering salvo. As the smoke fills the air, the arquebusiers reach for their second gun.]
[Agador]: AIM!
[The men take aim.]
[Agador]: FIRE!
[A second thunderous volley is unleashed into the thick smoke that hides the priests. Silence ensues. Not a peep is heard. Then, as the smoke clears, the standing figures of the shocked priests can be seem stooping forward in a catatonic wobble.]
[Agador]: [Steps out in front of his men.] I have never seen such courage...
[Miso]: GAH! I see it every day...
[Jotito]: I don't think we hit any of them...
[Agador]: What? Impossible!
[Surely enough, no bodies are found. All the priests show bullet holes in their robes and bibles. Some have some hits on their limbs. But no dead.]
[Agador]: Geezuz! Can't any of you shoot straight?!?
[Kong]: Reload?
[Agador]: Reload!
[Just then, a faint rumble is heard on the overpass overhead. The rumbling grows louder. The men look up towards the sky. The dumbfounded priests look up toward the sky. Pebbles start pouring over the edge down onto the onlookers...]
[Agador]: Better move! NOW! NOW! NOW!
[The heroes scurry down the road. Then... they see an overcrowded rickshaw rushing over the edge and plumetting into the abyss...!]
[Wong]: I WANT MY TWO KOKUUUUuuuuuuu!
[Jotito's Wife]: Get back here and wash those floors you ungratefull samurai wannabe!
[Geemuni]: REPENT!
[Beerman]: You owe me beer money!
[The rickshaw falls down into the void. After several minutes, its impact on the bottom is heard by the bystanders.]
[Fatsumo]: Ouch!
[Kong]: That must have hurt!
[Agador]: Well... lets move it! For now, the priests are dumbfounded. Lets use this to put some distance between us.
[Miso]: Off to Nakatome!
[With that, the men push forward. But, one of the priests managed to hear their destination...]
[More to follow...]
[This message has been edited by Vanya (edited 11-26-2001).]
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/cool.gif, See http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif!
------------------
Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
LOL R U printing this stuff Zone? I must admit it is funny http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
BakaGaijin
11-27-2001, 09:38
Dumbfounded, indeed!
------------------
Disappear into the Darkness!!
Quote Originally posted by MIZILUS:
LOL R U printing this stuff Zone? I must admit it is funny http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif[/QUOTE]
Printing? what, you reckon I'm vanya and have a double personality just so it looks like bump works every time? Nope, sorry to disapoint, I wish I could write like that. I have however got it copied and pasted onto one word file though so it can be read in one go http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif (almost 7000 words so far)
BUMP http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
(Little sod's not going to do it this time is he, just to spite me http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif)
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Vanya - Great read. LOL
"[Miso]: [Draws sword] Take us now or we shall make soup of your head!" - ROTFLMAO
[The massive citadel at Nakatome is spotted after 3 days of marching. In the distance, as they descend onto the plains on which the fortress lies, they can see a battle raging at the castle walls. An army of some sort is launching a daring raid in a futile attempt to break into the interior of the castle. The crackle of gunfire can be heard...]
[Kong]: A battle rages on... I wonder who if attacking Nakatome?
[Miso]: Can't be the armies of Uesugi... they were wiped out in Echigo.
[Fatsumo]: Many are the allies of the emperor...
[Agador]: I think those are Oda banners... Oda uses yellow banners, right?
[Jotito]: I think so...
[Kong]: Jotito seems to think so...
[Miso]: We should join them at once!
[Agador]: Calm down, Miso... the battle might be over by the time we get there.
[Miso]: This battle must be won!
[Agador]: Even I can tell the attackers will lose... they have no chance! Their attack is pure suicide! Who is the fool that is leading them into this meatgrinder?
[Jotito]: Perhaps a true idiot, as all the good generals are probably dead by now...
[Agador]: Maybe you're right, Jotito. A distinct possibility indeed.
[The men march towards the battlefield. Long before they get there, though, the attacking Oda army is routed and their remnants flee from the battlefield like whipped dogs. Soon, the men reach the edge of the battlefield, and a patrol is spotted nearby...]
[Agador]: Quick -- hide!
[Kong]: [Looks around] Where?
[Miso]: Get down!
[The men duck into the high grass. The patrol passes by without noticing them.]
[Fatsumo]: Who placed hands on my leg?
[Kong]: Oops... I... did it again. Sorry.
[Agador]: We need to find a way to get through the gates without being noticed.
[Miso]: That will be a challenge... we are all sporting the Emperor's colors.
[Jotito]: Maybe they would realize that we were not with the Oda army?
[Miso]: Fat chance, bozo. We are not wearing their colors, so we are the enemy.
[Agador]: We must find a way to get into that castle unnoticed. But how?
[Fatsumo]: We must blend with the enemy.
[They raise their heads and look around. They can see men of the Evil army picking up weapons from the dead.]
[Kong]: Why don't we just grab the uniforms of some of the dead Evil soldiers and wear them? We would be able to walk right in there!
[Agador]: Genius! Quick, get some clothes from the dead!
[The men scurry around and gather some garments from dead enemy soldiers. They throw the coats over their own and get on the main road and march towards the castle. As they are about to enter the castle...]
[Guard]: Go bring some rocks to the eastern wall. We need to patch it up a tad.
[Agador]: You talking to me?
[Guard]: Go get the rocks.
[Agador]: You talking to me?
[Guard]: No -- the idiot behind you. Of course I'm talking to you!
[Agador]: Sure thing, chief. As soon as we deposit these arquebuses in the armory that we pilaged from the field.
[Guard]: Move it!
[The men enter the castle. The guard looks back at them with a suspicious look, as they head towards the market and not the armory. The guard orders some men to go check them out...]
[Kong]: I think those men are following us.
[Agador]: [Starts to look back] Uh...
[Miso]: GIT! Don't look back. Just follow me.
[Miso leads them to a small door in one of the massive towers near the southern end of the marketplace. The tailing soldiers run after them.]
[Guard #2]: Hey! You can't go in there!
[The guards run in after them, but Miso was waiting for them inside, where he knocked them out cold with the hilt of his katana.]
[Agador]: Geez! Surely they will come looking for them!
[Kong]: What now?
[Miso]: I cut off finger.
[Fatsumo]: What?
[Jotito]: Yours or his?
[Miso]: [Growls] His!
[Agador]: OK now... we are not here to collect souveneers...
[They venture down the corridor. They hear footsteps down the hall and enter another unlocked door. After scurrying around the many corridors for a while, they come across an effeminate little man...]
[Hiroto]: Oh! You men look haggard!
[Agador]: Wha--?
[Hiroto]: I keep telling Lord Evil that these uniforms are just hideous! And why, may I ask are you men playing around in soldiers uniforms? Are you trying to drive me crazy?!?
[Kong]: What the heck are you--
[Agador]: [Looks at his comrades, confused. Shrugs.] Uh...
[Fatsumo]: [Drops hand into limp pose] We just thought the colors were fabulous! The reds are so arterial... so... so dramatic!
[Hiroto]: Well, you must come along now. The next inspection is in 20 minutes. And Lord Evil will be quite irritated if we are all not accounted for.
[The men follow Hiroto into a room full of effeminate men.]
[Kong]: Have we died and been banned from Nirvana? What the heck is this place?
[Miso]: Ah, so! I think I know where we are...
[Hiroto]: Um... I don't think you have time to clean up... I hear them comming.
[Agador]: Shit! What are we going to do now?
[Fatsumo]: I smell pine and lavender...
[Jotito]: I think that one over there is looking at me funny... [frowns]
[Two armed guards walk into the room. Just then, an officer is heard asking them to accompany him immediately. Faint echoes of gunfire can be heard.]
[Hiroto]: Oh, dear! Looks like we missed the count! [Sighs] That captain is soo...
[Agador]: [To Miso] Where the heck are we?
[Miso]: This must be a harem. And these pansies are the Eunuchs in charge of looking over the women.
[Fatsumo]: I am graced with Buddha's compassion! I have found my way into the garden!
[Kong]: Is Fatsumo losing his mind?
[Fatsumo]: [Sniffs] Lavender, pine... and flowers! So many flowers!
[Agador]: I think he has not had a geisha in quite some time...
[Hiroto]: Dinner will be served shortly!
[The Eunuchs rush off into the corridor and head towards the mess hall of the harem.]
[Agador]: I wonder what's in here... [He opens a large ornate door and gazes in.]
[Kong]: Well?
[Fatsumo]: Flowers?
[Agador]: As far as the eye can see! Where did he get so many women from??
[Kong]: Remember Egg Foo said the raiders kidnapped all the women in the town.
[Miso]: And we didn't see any women in Echigo... save for Jotito's wife...
[Kong]: Dang, Jotito. I'm sorry, but your wife is one ugly hag!
[Fatsumo]: But I am sure she has a great 'personality'... LOL
[Jotito]: Shut up!
[Kong]: Nasty!
[Agador]: LOL He speaks the truth, Jotito!
[Jotito]: You notice something... all these women... are... gorgeous... What do they do with the ugly ones?
[Agador]: Don't know...
[Fatsumo]: Why did they leave your wife behind? ROFL
[Jotito]: She's tough. I'm sure she eluded them.
[Agador]: Tough... LOL I bet she is still with that lunatic Wong... chasing us still.
[Miso]: But they went over the cliff...
[Footsteps are heard in the corridor. The men slip into the main harem room and start walking past the women. Fatsumo drifts into the crowd and cops a feel here and there. The women don't seem to mind. Soon, all but Agador find themselves in the embraces of women starving for male 'attention'... female limbs rub them all over... They can feel their clothes being pulled off their limbs, but they are drunk with lust.]
[Agador]: Come on! We must not be distracted from our mission!
[Fatsumo]: [Wiggles his tongue] I'm tiptoeing in the tulips!
[Agador]: Come on!
[Agador's words fall on deaf ears. Just then, 30 armed guards burst into the room. Agador jumps under some women's garments and is not spotted by the soldiers. But, the rest of the gang is caught in the heat of the moment with their pants down amidst the Evil Lord's women. Oblivious to the presence of the guards, the lustfull men cling on to their aspirations for immediate gratification... even as the guards haul them away... naked. Once outside the harem chambers...]
[Fatsumo]: My, what strong hands you have!
[Miso]: Ahem... Uh... where are we going...?
[Harem Guard]: To the dungeon. Only Eunuchs are allowed to consort with the Lord's wives.
[Jotito]: Dungeon? What is going to happen there...?
[Harem Guard]: You will be flogged and castrated. If you are lucky, your life will be spared and you will be sent to the quarries for forced labor.
[Fatsumo]: But... I am a blind old man... and feeble...
[Harem Guard]: Then you will die.
[Back in the harem chambers...]
[Agador]: Damn those fools!
[Woman #5]: Come here, darling...!
[Agador]: Where are they taking them?
[Woman #9]: Probably to the dungeons, where they will die a painful death...
[Agador]: I cannot let that happen!
[Woman #3]: Hmmm... you are not of the garrison are you...?
[Agador]: No. I'm a captain in the Imperial Arquebusiers Corps.
[Woman #3]: Say... can you get us out of here? We were enslaved by these men against our will...
[Agador]: Can you take me to the dungeons?
[Woman #3]: Yes... I know the way. Will you get me out of here?
[Agador]: We are on a mission...
[Woman #3]: Unless you get me out of here, I won't take you to the dungeon...
[Agador]: Gah!
[Woman #3]: And I'm coming with you!
[Agador]: Uh...
[Woman #3]: You friends will soon find a knife at their nads... Snip! Snip!
[Agador]: Fine. Say, I need some one to help me carry our weapons...
[Woman #4]: I can help.
[Woman #1]: I will help too.
[Agador]: I'm Agador. And you are...?
[Woman #3]: Ritsa.
[Woman #4]: Masako.
[Woman #1]: Mimi... Miyagi...
[Woman #5]: I will go too. I'm Nina.
[Agador]: Ritsa... Masako... Mimi... Nina... get the weapons and lets go.
[Agador and the women all grab as many weapons as they can carry. Agador straps on Miso's katana and wakisashi and swings 3 arquebuses over his back. Ritsa leads Agador and the women down the dark corridors to the dungeons. Once there, they find Jotito, Fatsumo, Miso and the others chained to a wall.]
[Dungeon Guard]: Who sent you?
[Fatsumo]: May Buddha's compassion go with you.
[The Dungeon Guard slaps Fatsumo across the face with a leather glove.]
[Dungeon Guard]: Why are you here?
[Miso]: GAH! We came to get some...
[Dungeon Guard]: Get what?
[Fatsumo]: Ahh... flowers!
[Kong]: Yeah!
[The Dungeon Guards slaps all of them with his little glove.]
[Agador]: [Whispers to Ritsa, who is right behind him] I count 3 guards in all. But I can't shoot them, as the discharge from my arquebus will attract attention...
[Mimi]: [Bares a breast] I can lure them over here... and you can hit them over the head...
[Masako]: Thats a good plan!
[Agador]: Yes...
[Ritsa]: [Grabs a loose stone from the floor] OK girsl, get a rock or a brick and get ready for some payback...
[Agador]: [Clinching his arquebus] OK. I'm ready... Go.
[Mimi walks out into the open. She starts playing with her nipple... rubbing her fingers around the aereola... softly... She gives a flirtacious look and the dungeon guard interrogating the chained men.]
[Mimi]: Come here, big boy...
[Dungeon Guard]: Whoa! [Drops his slapping glove.]
[Dungeon Guard #2]: Ooooh. [Looks around] Where you come from, Lady?
[Mimi]: I could use a nice massage... which of you big, burly men would like to undress me and rub me all over...?
[Dungeon Guard #3]: Oh yeah! [Throws sword to the ground. Starts undressing.]
[Kong]: Take me!
[Mimi heads back into the corridor from which she came. The dungeon guards -- all 3 of them -- go after her. Fatsumo, Kong, Miso and Jotito are all trying to go after Mimi too, but their chains are too strong. The guards round the corner, and are whacked over the head by Agador and the women with their stones and guns. The guards collapse unconscious.]
[Agador]: [Runs up to his chained men. Draws Miso's sword...] OK... watch out...
[Agador strikes the chains with the sword and breaks his men free.]
[Kong]: So good to see you. Did you know they were going to cut off our balls and feed them to the pigs?
[Fatsumo]: May Buddha's compassion go with you, good Agador!
[Miso]: [Rubs balls] Thank you, Buddha!
[The men collect their respective weapons and take off their shackles using the keys taken from the unconscious guards.]
[Agador]: Focus! We must find where they store Sibalinga!
[Fatsumo]: Flowers--
[Agador]: [Grabs Fatsumo by the face] FOCUS!
[Mimi]: FOCUS! [Rubs her breasts]
[Agador]: ... on the mission!
[Kong]: OK.
[Fatsumo]: OK.
[Jotito]: OK.
[Miso]: OK.
[Agador]: Good. [To Ritsa] Do you know where the throne room is?
[Miso]: Wouldn't the head be in the armory?
[Agador]: If I were the Lord, I'd keep that head next to me at all times.
[Fatsumo]: Good point.
[Agador]: If its not in the throne room, we can always check the armory later.
[Kong]: Not if they spot us again...
[Agador]: Lets go!
[Ritsa leads the group down a secret passage into the sewers.]
[Kong]: Damn, it stinks down here! Why you bring us to the sewer?!?
[Ritsa]: Nobody will look for us here. And we can move about the whole castle freely.
[Fatsumo]: Do you know your way around the sewers?
[Masako]: We do. We used to sneak around the castle through the sewers for little escapades every now and then.
[Miso]: Escapades?
[Masako]: Well... a woman does need a little TLC once in a while... and this Lord is never around to tend to our needs...
[Nina]: And we can steal food from the Lord's kitchen. Just give the head cook a tease and you can get anything you want from the main kitchen!
[Agador]: [Rolls eyes] Please... no teases for now... we are on a mission... and my men are clearly of fickle minds...
[Miso]: Hey! I am a samurai!
[Kong]: OK. OK. Lets go.
[Masako leads the men through the sewers. As they approach the grill that leads to the Lord's bathroom, they hear a scraping noise up ahead...]
[Masako]: What is that?
[Ritsa]: Dunno.
[Agador]: What is going on?
[Mimi]: Shall I check?
[Agador]: Please do...
[Mimi]: Wait here...
[Mimi heads towards the noise. She rounds the corner, and the group loses sight of her. After a few minutes, she returns, giggling.]
[Mimi]: Oh! You'll never guess who it is...
[Ritsa]: Who?
[Mimi]: One of the girls! I don't remember her name, but she is trying to escape too!
[Agador]: Whew! OK. Move on then.
[Masako leads the group onward. As the group passes the unknown woman, Agador bumps into her...]
[Woman]: Hey... I know you! You are that pig that abandoned me in my time of need!
[Agador]: Ling!
[Fatsumo]: Oh my!
[Miso]: Who?
[Fatsumo]: The fairest of the fair...
[Kong]: Come on, Agador... we must move on...
[Ling]: How could you... [gives Agador a menacing look]
[Agador]: I'm sorry baby! I didn't want to die... it was the emperor's son...
[Ling]: He was married!
[Agador]: What?
[Ling]: That idiot was married! He played me for a fool. I gave him all my love and he one day he left me in a house of ill repute... said he couldn't go on with me... said he had to make sure I never leaked the story about the affair...
[Agador]: Uhh...
[Ling]: [Reaches for her duffel bag and pulls out a massive arquebus. Aims it right at Agador] You had better get on your knees and beg for mercy, boy!
[Miso]: Hey Agador! Quit fooling around back there!
[Agador]: [To Miso] I'll be right there! [To Ling] Listen... I'm really sorry... but I have to go... I'm on a mission from Buddha!
[Ling]: Oh, sure! I bet its a mission alright!
[Agador]: So... I can go...?
[Ling]: Not so fast... I have not heard that apology yet...
[Agador]: I'm sorry.
[Ling]: That was not very convincing.
[Agador]: [Rolls eyes] I'm really sorry. OK?
[Ling]: [Pulls back trigger] Beg.
[Miso]: Agador! Come on!
[Agador]: [Gets on knees, raises hands towards Ling.] Forgive me! I am so sorry that I... [Jumps up and kisses Ling.]
[Ling]: Umph. [Gives in]
[Agador]: [After lengthy, passionate kiss...] I must go now. We can catch up on things after the misson. OK?
[Ling]: OK... [Lets out breath of air]
[Agador]: OK, then.
[Agador runs towards the group and catches up to them.]
[Ling]: [Changes expression from one of delight to a frown... slowly] Wait a minute... that pig!
[Ling clutches her arquebus and goes after Agador. Up ahead...]
[Masako]: We are here. The Lord's bathroom is right above that grille!
[The men pry open the sewer grille and climb into the bathroom. Once they are all up, they close the grille and head towards the door. Agador slowly opens the door and peers into the throne room...]
[To be continued...]
Oh well, I was wrong, another was forthcoming! Still, it means it hasn't failed yet http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
[Agador peers into the throne room. He sees nobody around. He then leads the group into the chamber. Behind the throne, they find a small, narrow corridor at the end of which stands a severed head on display.]
[Kong]: That must be Sibalinga!
[Agador]: Must be...
[Fatsumo]: This will be a day long remembered throughout the empire.
[Miso]: Don't forget we still have to get out of this castle alive...
[Agador]: Right! Kong, hand me the priest's head...
[Kong]: [Pulls the priest's head out of the satchel and hands it to Agador] What are you going to do with it?
[Agador]: Swap it. With any luck, we will be long gone by the time they realize they are carrying around the wrong head.
[Fatsumo]: Brilliant!
[Mimi]: Eeewww! You've been carrying around a rotting head all this time?
[Miso]: And we didn't even get to make a good soup or broth out of it...
[Nina]: You samurai... how do you eat that?
[Agador]: OK. Here goes...
[Agador heads down the little corridor and swaps the heads. He places Sibalinga into the satchel and places the priest's head on the stand.]
[Agador]: OK. Lets get the heck out of here!
[The men head for the exit. Just as they are about to open the door, it swings open. Before them stands the Evil Lord's son, Kato, and his henchmen. Kato is holding a shaved Shih Tzu in his arms.
[Kato]: [Strokes his Shih Tzu] This is my daddy's throne room. What are you doing here?
[Henchman #1]: [Pointing at Kong] Look, my Lord: those are imperial colors they are wearing...
[Kato]: [Eyes Kong's outfit] I see. SEIZE THEM!
[Agador]: [Points arquebus at Kato] Not so fast. Take one step closer and I'll blow his head off.
[Kato]: You are bluffing. My daddy will hunt you down if you harm me.
[Agador]: That may be so, but you will be sleeping in Hell by the time they bury me.
[Kato]: Take that piss-ass gun out of my face... don't you know who I am?!?
[Agador]: You look like the head Eunuch around here...
[Kong]: That's a cute little dog... [points finger at dog]
[The Shih Tzu barks and almost bites off Kong's finger!]
[Kong]: Damn! Nasty little pooch!
[Kato]: I am Lord Kato, overlord of the Evil Empire!
[Agador]: You are an ignorant fool. This here is a top of the line Imperial Arquebus, the most powerful gun in the world. At this range, it can blow your head clean off. So you have to ask yourself one question: do you feel lucky. Well... do you, punk?
[Kato]: Uhh... OK... What is it you want?
[Miso]: We are lost. We just want to go home.
[Kato]: Ah, so! Such an innocent request it seems! And will these ladies be going with you?
[Fatsumo]: Of course!
[Kato]: I can't let you walk out with my wives.
[Agador]: I don't think you have a choice.
[Miso]: You don't need so many wives anyway... you have hundreds, if not thousands of women locked up in that harem...
[Kato]: Ah, yes. But none of them are right. None of them have green eyes... [sighs]
[Kong]: You seek a geisha with green eyes? There is no such thing!
[Kato]: I will find her one day...
[Agador]: What is so special about green eyes?
[Kato]: I just like the color. Call me a fool, but that is 'my thing'. My daddy likes big breasts, I like green eyes!
[Fatsumo]: Are you telling me you have ransacked the country looking for a girl with green eyes?
[Kato]: Yep.
[Miso]: And your 'daddy' didn't object?!?
[Kato]: He is old and feeble. I am the true ruler of his lands. My whims are law. And I want that special girl.
[Fatsumo]: I bet you'd never even look into her eyes if you found her...
[Miso]: And what do you do with all the ugly ones?
[Kato]: They are tending to my lands. The ugly ones are in sweat shops sewing my costumes and uniforms, cleaning my floors, and so on...
[Jotito]: Hmmm...
[Kong]: LOL All the things Jotito's wife makes HIM do!
[Agador]: LOL
[Kato]: What a sissy... a man doing a woman's job...
[Jotito]: Hey! It takes a real man to put up with the ridicule of doing a woman's job...
[Agador]: Well, it was nice meeting you, and I'd love to stay and chat some more, but we must be leaving now...
[Kato]: You will die for this. I shall have your head on a yari by nightfall.
[Kong]: Kiss my foot.
[Mimi]: Eeewww! You were just treading in the sewers...!
[Kato]: [Gasps] GAH!
[Agador]: Say... now that you are here... [He pulls out a paper describing Egg Foo's debt to him] What can you say about this?
[Kato]: [Reads the document] Ah, yes! Mr. Foo owes me money. But that pig is lousy at paying. If you had noticed, the original load was only for 1000 koku. But, he has forfeited his payments so many times that the interest has ballooned... Now he owes 100,000 koku!
[Agador]: We want you to write it off.
[Kato]: Sorry, can't do. I sold the stream of payments to a collection agency. You see, I'd rather have my money now. Now, it's somebody else's problem.
[Kong]: Shit!
[Agador]: Who owns the debt now?
[Kato]: I sold the debt to Fanimei, the Emperor's treasurer in Nakatome.
[Agador]: Geezuz!
[Kong]: What does that mean?
[Agador]: It means we have to somehow pay off the debt, or the emperor himself will come down on Egg Foo...
[Kato]: ROFL!
[Agador]: We will be leaving now. One movement and you die.
[Henchman #2]: You can't let them get away, my Lord!
[Kato]: That's OK. Let them go...
[Agador and the others slowly exit the throne room with their weapons pointed at Kato. As soon as they are out of Kato's sight...]
[Kato]: How did those idiots get in here anyway?
[Henchman #3]: Lord Kato! I could be wrong, but this does not look like Sibalinga... [Hands the priest's head to Kato]
[Kato]: Hmm... it... Damn... you are right. They must have swapped the heads!
[Henchman #1]: They must not escape, Lord...
[Kato]: Bring me their heads!
[Henchman #1]: Your wish is my command!
[The henchmen run after our fleeing heros.]
[Agador]: RUN! RUN! RUN!
[The men race down a corridor towards the main courtyard. At the end, they open a door and gaze out into the open court yard. On the ramparts they see arquebusiers firing down onto a melee raging outside the walls. The gates are closed.]
[Kong]: Damn! The gates are closed, and a battle is raging!
[Mimi]: What now?
[Agador]: We are trapped!
[Miso]: We must get outside these walls, or we will die here!
[Fatsumo]: Open the gates...
[Agador]: Yes... we must open the gates...
[Jotito]: Look over there... [Points to some barrels near a staircase that leads up to the ramparts] I bet those barrels are full of gunpowder for the arqubusiers. We can grab a couple of them and blow the gate open!
[Miso]: Genius! That will give the Oda army outside a chance to break into the fortress... we can actually win this battle if we can pull it off!
[Agador]: And with the confusion of the raging battle, I bet we can just walk right up to those barrels in broad daylight and detonate them at the gate without anybody noticing...
[Nina]: Surely they will notice when it blows...
[Agador]: Then we race through the hole and join up with the Oda forces.
[Fatsumo]: I hear Kato's henchmen approaching...
[Agador]: Damn. We are going to need some volunteers to stay here and hold the enemy back until we can detonate the barrels at the gate...
[Jotito]: I will stay here with my men. We will cover you. You go and get that head outside these walls.
[Agador]: May Buddha's compassion go with you, Jotito!
[Jotito and his men load their primary and backup guns and get into a 2-row formation in the hallway. They aim their weapons toward the other end of the hall in anticipation of the enemy henchmen turning the corner any minute. Agador, Miso, Kong and Fatsumo, plus the women stroll out into the courtyard...]
[Jotito]: Wait until they get close. Let's maximize the impact of our weapons. The sound of the blast will rattle them for sure...
[Outside, Kong and Miso drag one of the powder barrels up to the gate while Agador stands by near a tree with the women.]
[Kong]: I don't know if we can grab another barrel. One of the arquebusiers was looking at me funny.
[Mimi]: I think some spearmen are coming this way... they are staring at us...
[Miso]: Cover your breasts, Mimi... you will soon have every man staring at those voluptuous orbs...
[Mimi]: Ooops... sorry. [Pulls kimono up to cover her breasts.] I like walking topless. [Giggles]
[Just then, they hear a fusilade of gunfire come from inside the corridor they just came out of. The spearmen, alarmed, race towards the entrance.]
[Jotito]: Backup weapon! Aim...
[Jotito]: FIRE!
[A second fusilade is heard as Jotito's musketeers unleash a second volley into the rushing henchmen.]
[Jotito]: RELOAD!
[Miso]: Damn! If those spearment reach the gate, our men are dead!
[Agador]: Their lives have been well spent should they die...
[Miso]: Not if I can help it...
[Miso draws his katana and wakisashi and runs at the spearment screaming bloody Buddha. The spearmen, shocked by the attack, freeze short of the entrace to the corridor. Miso jumps into their midst before they can organize themselves to offer a cohesive front. Miso proves no match for the spearmen, as their long yari prove to cumbersome to manuever to deal with a foe that is so up close and personal.]
[Agador]: [To Kong] Did you prepare a fuse?
[Kong]: Yes I did.
[Agador]: Good. Detonate it. We must do it now.
[Kong heads over to the fuse and ignites it. He then runs back to the grove where the rest stand.]
[Agador]: 3... 2... 1... OK, duck!
[The group all hits the floor. The barrel explodes, shattering the wooden gate. Smoke fills the courtyard... Shortly thereafter, all 30 spearmen lay dead on the ground. Miso didn't even break a sweat. He heads back to rejoin Agador now that Jotito's flank is safe.]
[Agador]: Miso! You should go help Jotito out... I shall lead the others to the Oda lines.
[Miso]: With pleasure! I shall chop many heads in there!
[Miso runs back to Jotito's position. As Agador, Kong, Fatsumo and the women head for the gaping hole in the gate, Miso enters the corridor...]
[Jotito]: Come on! Reload faster! FASTER!
[Miso]: You OK there?
[Jotito]: MISO! The henchmen are fast approaching! I don't think we'll have a 3rd volley ready in time...!
[Miso]: Here I am to save the daaay...!
[Miso charges into the smoke from the arquebus discharges that has filled the corridor. The clashing of metal on metal can be heard interspersed with the occasional grunt and obscenity.]
[Jotito]: MISO! We are ready! [To his men] AIM!
[Miso hits the ground.]
[Jotito]: FIRE!
[The third volley rips through the air. The henchmen that are left, having absorbed 3 concentrated volleys of gunfire and facing a master swordsman they cannot see in the smoke, turn and flee in panic. Miso runs back to Jotito...]
[Miso]: They are fleeing like whipped dogs!
[Jotito]: Great! Lets make a run for the gate now that we have the chance!
[Miso, Jotito and the other arquebusiers race out of the corridor and head for the blasted gate. Confusion reigns amidst the courtyard, as the garrison runs about, confused, about what lead to the blast. The men soon disappear into the smoke from the explosion... just minutes after Agador lead his group through...]
[More to follow...]
The man is a genius! and I hadn't even written bump! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
That's now 11667 words! (after spell-check) http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Chaguhun Khan
11-30-2001, 06:58
Holy Dang! Glad I'm not posting that! Cya around!
Chaguhun
------------------
Official Mongol Cavalry-lover and servant of the Khan of Khans
[Agador and his men, having passed the gate amidst the smoke, stumble out into the battlefield, where some battered nodachis stare at them in shock...]
[Agador]: We are Imperial Arquebusiers! Don't shoot!
[Nodachi #1]: [Raises his sword] Did you set off that blast?!?
[Agador]: Yes! We are on your side!
[Nodachi #2]: [Points to the smoke behind Agador and raises his sword] Watch out! Somebody's coming!
[Agador]: [Turns back and sees Miso and Jotito stumbling towards them] NO! They are with us!
[Nodachi #2]: Quick, then! This way!
[Jotito]: Agador! We made it!
[The group, now reunited, follow the nodachis to their general's tent.]
[Nodachi #1]: General Tso! These are the men that blasted the gate! They say they are from an imperial unit.
[Tso]: There are no imperial units in this theater...
[Agador]: We are not here officially... we are on a mission from Buddha...
[Tso]: Well... You have done a great service to our cause. The emperor himself entrusted me to retake this castle from the usurpers.
[Agador]: We must return to Nagashima at once, my Lord.
[Tso]: No. I need you men here. We need all the help we can get.
[Agador]: But... we really MUST get back...
[Tso]: You have any idea who I am?
[Kong]: A general...
[Tso]: I am general "Cabeza de Culo" Tso, sei-taisho under Lord Oda. And I am in command here. Not you.
[Agador]: That nickname... [giggles]
[Tso]: What is so funny?!?
[Miso]: I don't get it...
[Agador]: ROFLMAO That name! ROFLMAO!
[Fatsumo]: What is so funny, Agador?
[Tso]: The Portuguese ambasador personally vested me with this honorary title...
[Agador]: You must have really "impressed" him then!
[Tso]: [Growls] Are you disrespecting me?!?
[Agador]: No... [brings himself to stop laughing] Sorry...
[Tso]: OK, then. I need you men at the front! We are going to storm the castle!
[Agador]: OK. We will fight. But... can I have one of my men take our women to safety at least?
[Tso]: I don't see why not.
[Nodachi #1]: Follow me, men.
[The nodachi warrior leads them back outside the tent.]
[Agador]: [Turns to Kong] Kong, I will entrust you with this mission. You must return to Nagashima and hand Sibalinga to the monks there for safe keeping. And relieve Benny! We don't want him releasing the creature!
[Kong]: [Takes the satchel with Sibalinga in it] Yes, sir!
[Agador]: And take the women with you. After the battle, we will meet you at Nagashima. So, wait there for us. OK?
[Kong]: OK.
[Agador]: [To Nodachi warrior] Can we have some horses for Kong and the women?
[Nodachi #1]: Sure. Wait here.
[A few minutes later, the nodachi warrior returns with some peasants and horses.]
[Nodachi #1]: Here you go. These 20 Ashigaru will escort you where ever you are headed.
[Kong and the women mount the horses and, with their Ashigaru escort, head towards Nagashima with the horseman's head.]
[Agador]: OK, then. Lets finish this!
[Miso]: What is the order or battle?
[Nodachi #1]: General Tso has ordered a full charge into the breach. You will offer us cover fire as we storm the hole.
[Miso]: How many men do you have?
[Nodachi #1]: We only have 200 nodachis left. Our heavy cavalry is almost intact still. But our ashigaru corps have been hammered over the last 4 days. In total, we only have about 600 men.
[Miso]: This is suicide.
[Agador]: We got this far! Buddha is on our side. I feel lucky...
[Agador and the other arquebusiers join the Oda arquebusiers. They line up and open fire on the ramparts overhead. After the 5th volley, the nodachis storm into the hole in the gate. A furious melee ensues. But the garrison proves to be no match for these hardenned warriors. General Tso then rushes in at the head of the heavy cavalry and smash the remnants of the garrison. Agador and the other arquebusiers rush into the courtyard again to snipe at targets of opportunity. After a couple of hours of intense battle, the ramparts and courtyard are secured, and only the palace is still in enemy hands.]
[Agador]: General... ahem... Tso! Lord Kato is probably hiding in the castle there with his henchmen. I am sure they are just waiting for us to barge in so they can blast us with gunfire.
[Tso]: We must root them out!
[Tso orders his ashigaru to enter the palace. After a few minutes, they are seen fleeing from the entrance like whipped dogs.]
[Agador]: That will not work.
[Tso]: Well, what do you suggest?
[Agador]: Use the powder barrels. Lets demolish the palace.
[Tso]: What?!? Are you crazy?
[Miso]: That is great! They would then die when the building collapses! And any survivors will have nowhere to hide! Brilliant!
[Tso]: OK. Do it.
[Agador and his men move towards the kegs, but as they drag them towards the palace, they come under fire from snipers in the windows. They are forced to pull back after setting only a pair of kegs. Many men were shot down during the attempt.]
[Agador]: Damn! We have to keep their heads down.
[Tso]: We cannot afford to throw the few men we have left into this meatgrinder.
[Agador]: [Heads over to the arquebusiers] OK. I need you guys to snipe at the windows. Keep their heads down. And if you don't see anybody, shank a shot off the edges... maybe you'll get lucky and take some one out with the ricochet.
[The arquebusiers do as they are told. But the Ashigaru entrusted to move the barrels still took heavy losses during their manuevers to place the powder kegs. Nearly 2 out of every 5 men was wounded or killed by snipers from the palace. After several hours, all the powder kegs were positioned. Most of the legs placed were from the garrison's own armory and rampart supplies.]
[Tso]: OK. Light the fuses!
[They ignite the fuses and run back to their lines. All the kegs go off with thunderous explosions. Moments later, the palace collapses, and its remains fuel a raging fire. Then, from the blaze, rush forth 150 flaming, screaming men brandishing their swords. The nodachis countercharge, and during a grueling battle amidst the smoldering remains, cut them to pieces. Afterwards, only the crackle of the raging fire can be heard.]
[Agador]: Quick! Follow me!
[Agador leads the victorious army to the harem where the women are locked up. The harem, fortunately, was not part of the palace complex itself. Agador opens the doors to the harem and frees the women.]
[Woman #1]: Thank Buddha! We are free!
[A flood of women breaks out of the harem. The men lead them out of the castle to the rear of their base camp.]
[Tso]: [To Agador] We have tried in vain to capture this fortress for 4 days now. You have been instrumental in this victory.
[Agador]: Unit. Corps. Buddha. Country. It's what we do.
[Tso]: How can I thank you men, who so gracefully served the emperor?
[Agador]: Well... there is this matter of a debt...
[Tso]: A debt?
[Agador]: Yes... its not ours... [hands Tso the document detailing Egg Foo's debt]
[General Tso reads it for a few minutes.]
[Tso]: I think we can write this off...
[Agador]: That would be great, noble Lord.
[Tso]: [Tears up the deed] Consider this debt payed off in full. The emperor has granted me ample powers in this campaign, and this fall within my jurisdiction for now. Again, this victory today is a direct result of your heroic actions...
[Miso]: This has been a great victory indeed.
[General Tso goes off to tend to his army.]
[Agador]: Well, it looks as if we have saved the world!
[Miso]: I need a vacation!
[Jotito]: Hey. Kong and those lovely geishas are waiting for us in Nagashima...
[Agador]: Yeah! Lets go get some!
[The men start their trek back to Nagashima, when Wong appears on the scene...]
[Wong]: I WANT MY TWO KOKUUUUUUuuuuuu!
[Agador]: Don't look at him...
[Wong approaches Agador.]
[Wong]: Hey, have you seen a musketeer named Agador here?
[Agador]: Oh... Uh... Agador... Oh! I think he died in the assault on the castle along with his entire unit...
[Wong]: Oh, so sorry...
[Geemuni]: Damn, I wish I could have shown them the light...
[Jotito's wife]: NOW who's going to clean my floors...?
[Beerman]: GAH! [Farts]
[Wong and his passengers depart in the rickshaw. Wong never collected his 2 koku.]
[Agador]: Whew!
[Jotito]: Hey, they didn't recognize us! Not even my wife!
[Miso]: It's 'cause we are covered in blood, soot and gore...
[The men turn back and gaze onto the battlefield as they prepare to depart for Nagashima. They can see general Tso in the distance... he is organizing a crew to collect the bodies and start a head count.]
[Miso]: Well, it looks like somebody will have a nice, warm eyeball soup tonight.
[Jotito]: They have many heads to count...
[Agador]: It will probably take them several days... maybe even a week...
[They depart for Nagashima. Meanwhile, Kong and the women have just arrived at the temple, having been able to cut the travel time drastically because they were on horseback...]
[Kong]: Well... I always did think that monk was crazy... look at all the severed heads out here...
[Kong and the women pass through what seems like hundreds of severed heads hoisted on spikes. A path runs through them to the temple gates. They enter the temple and call out for the monk. Nobody replies. They head towards the grave of the horseman. There, they find Benny, dead and without a head, lying on the ground.
[Kong]: What the hell happened here?!?
[Mimi]: Yuk! So much blood!
[Kong looks up, and notices that the great silver seal that had preserved the horseman's grave had been broken. He peered inside the tomb, but saw no traces of any body within.]
[Nina]: What's wrong, Kong?
[Kong]: Shit!
[Mimi]: I take it this is not good?
[Kong]: The headless horseman has been freed, and we have his head!
[Ritsa]: Who?
[Kong]: Its a long story... right now, we have to find a way to hide this head...
[Mimi]: Why don't you smash it...?
[Nina]: ...and burn it?
[Kong]: Yes... lets do that. If nothing else, it will slow him down if he ever finds it...
[Kong smashes Sibalinga with the butt of his arquebus. Afterwards, he soaks it in oil and sets it ablaze. When the fire burns out, he collects the bones and ashes and places them in a silver vase that he found nearby.]
[Kong]: Now, we must hide this vase...
[Meanwhile on the road to Nagashima...]
[Miso]: Look, Agador! Looks like a storm is headed our way... [Points to some dark clouds on the horizon.]
[Agador]: I hope its not a tsunami...
[Jotito]: Ah... so what? With a good rainstorm, there will be more frolicking indoors once we reach Nagashima!
[Agador]: You're right! I have to admit it, but you are right!
[Agador, Miso, Jotito, Fatsumo and the gang laugh it up as they head towards the temple. Back in Nagashima...]
[Kong]: Who goes there...?
[Kong hears footsteps approaching... WIth adrenaline rushing through his veins, he quickly loads his gun and raises it in anticipation.]
[Monk]: Don't shoot... it is I...
[Kong]: Whew! Thank Buddha! I brought the head...
[Monk]: Good. I know where we can hide it.
[Kong]: What happened here?
[Monk]: Those fanatical jesuits returned and broke the seal to free the horseman. Those madmen have doomed us all!
[Kong]: Idiots.
[Monk]: And they were payed in spades for their deed. The horseman killed them all and decorated the land outside with their heads...
[Nina]: EEeewww!
[Monk]: I managed to hide well enough to not be seen. But now the horseman is free.
[Kong]: But we have his head. And it has been smashed and burned too...
[Monk]: We will need brave warriors in the times ahead to defeat this abomination...
[Meanwhile, in a forested grove several miles from Nakatome, some men emerge from the concealed mouth of a cave...]
[Kato]: Thank Buddha I knew of this secret escape tunnel... by now, I'd be hanging from the ramparts!
[Bodyguard #1]: Do you think it was worth sacrificing your whole army? There is no honor in fleeing the battle...
[Kato]: [Looks over at Nakatome in the distance... sees the raging flames] My palace... [sighs]
[Bodyguard #2]: It is lost...
[Kato]: Come now. It is getting dark. The enemy probably thinks we are dead. We must reach my daddy's fortress... he has a 20,000 man army there.
[Just as they start to march onwards, they hear a faint noise amidst the thick foliage...]
[Kato]: Surely, they would not know about this tunnel... they cannot have found us. No way!
[Bodyguard #2]: It doesn't sound like a search party...
[Kato]: What is that noise...?
[Bodyguard #5]: Sounds like... maybe somebody on horseback... probably just a hunter...
[Bodyguard #7]: Sounds like a lone rider to me...
[Kato]: [Looks up towards the sun, which is sinking fast beneath the horizon] We must go... its getting dark...
[Bodyguard #1]: I think he is comming our way...!
[The bodyguards draw their swords and form a circle around Kato. Only Kato seems a bit nervous...]
[Kato]: [In a tense voice] Who goes there...? Show yourself...!
[The End]
BUT THAT'S ONLY 8 EPISODES! YOU SAID A LUCASESQUE TRILOGY, THAT'S 3 TRILOGIES OR 9 EPISODES! YOU LIED! BUMP, BUMP, BUMP http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/mad.gif
But thx. all the same http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
LOL
This was only 1 episode with 8 chapters...
Go on, take it to 15 000 words http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif After spell check etc. (I put in act titles) you have 13 895 words. Go on, you know you want to http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif PLEASE http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Quote Originally posted by Vanya:
LOL
This was only 1 episode with 8 chapters...
[/QUOTE]
Hang on a minuit here. If you're saying that was 1 episode... Does that mean there are another 8 to come, or ummm... 8+8 ummm... 8x8 ummm... ah... ummm... nope... ummm... YES, 64 more chapters?! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
And I was just wondering. Why hasn't this thread gone onto a 3rd page? the first page is far smaller than the second.
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Quote Originally posted by Zone:
Hang on a minuit here. If you're saying that was 1 episode... Does that mean there are another 8 to come, or ummm... 8+8 ummm... 8x8 ummm... ah... ummm... nope... ummm... YES, 64 more chapters?! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
And I was just wondering. Why hasn't this thread gone onto a 3rd page? the first page is far smaller than the second.
[/QUOTE]
Quote Originally posted by Zone:
Hang on a minuit here. If you're saying that was 1 episode... Does that mean there are another 8 to come, or ummm... 8+8 ummm... 8x8 ummm... ah... ummm... nope... ummm... YES, 64 more chapters?! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
And I was just wondering. Why hasn't this thread gone onto a 3rd page? the first page is far smaller than the second.
[/QUOTE]
Uh... well... there is no guarantee that any future episodes will also coincide with the 8 chapter length... they may have fewer or more chapters than 8. However, I have not yet decided what event line to establish for any future episodes. I have an idea for the 2nd, but I just don't know if there is enough demand for the next episode for me to undertake its development at this time... http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/eek.gif
By the way, I have the whole episode 1 in a PDF... perhaps I can upload it to the Org... and if so, I can produce the next 2 chapters in PDFs as well... so as to not clog these forums with massive posts... http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/rolleyes.gif
So... what titles did you give the 8 chapters?
Fraid I didn't give them titles, just ACT 1, ACT 2 etc. but... maybe I will. I'll also set up a voting thread (it'll probably get moved to off-topic fairly quikly but with any luck it should work) to establish whether the legacy should continue http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
And a good idea about the PDF's, I could ask about them in the thread aswell.
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
great work, vanya. I like creative writing.
Well although I got rumbled almost immediately, the consensus so far is 100% for more episodes. So get writing Vanya http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/eek.gif
I'm getting that warm fuzzy feeling again... http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
Your going to need a warm itchy writing finger now! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Well I guess Zone is your agent vanya. You'll have to start negotiating percentages now http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif BUMP! You never know, it might still work http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Come to think of it, You're probebly owed something, you started the thread http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
I reckon about 15% of all my posts have been in this thread http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Soon the first chapter will be ready...
ROFL..Zone does not rest http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
Can you blame me?
Ah, I see we are on a 3rd page now. What decides it, the number of posts? It can't be size of posts.
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Maybe BUMP only worked for Episode 1. Let's see... BOOST http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
Episode II is in PDF... will upload when done. Starting on chapter 2... http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
oZoNeLaYeR
12-10-2001, 23:45
Are u going to post it on the forum or we have to D/L it?
btw u would be one hell of author me thinks http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif thx for the story, at least we got something to do which is read.
Cummon, cummon, We're getting withdrawl symptoms http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
But seriously, you should never hurry genius http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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Fight first, then scream 'Doh, why did I forget my Kensi!'
oZoNeLaYeR
12-11-2001, 20:16
Hmmmm well let the experts finish their job, meantime i just sit and wait...
I'll upload it to the Org when I'm done with it and hopefully Tosa or somebody will put a link to it. As long as you have the Acrobat plug-in installed, you won't have to download it at all... just click it and read it! Currently, I'm on the 2nd chapter and am forecasting about 9 total.
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
oZoNeLaYeR
12-11-2001, 22:24
w00t!!!, 9 chapter http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
yay http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif going to get a new computer in feb. hmmmmmmm
Well I hope Vanya doesn't take THAT long to write it http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
But 9!!!!!!!!! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/eek.gif
Mind you I'm not complaining http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
Hay Vanya. Maybe I should take up Mizilus's idea (I think it was M.) and become your 'agent' We could become rich! selling stupily funny stories. You write them (constantly so you don't have time to market them yourself http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif) and I'll post adverts in every forum I can find! Waddaya say (You can only reply once you've finished at least 3 more chapters http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif)
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ROFL..Zone does not rest [MIZILUS]
Come to think of it it's not a very big file anyway so I shouldn't worry, the previous one is a 356K Word file. Would take only a min. to download, and that's with a slow conection http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
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ROFL..Zone does not rest [MIZILUS]
Starting on chapter 3... [fingers hurt, ouch!]
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
LOL, but no rest allowed http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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ROFL..Zone does not rest [MIZILUS]
Give Zone a whip and call him Pharaoh cause he sure is a slavedriver! lol..poor vanya...shakled too the keyboard workin for the man! http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.giflol
Poor Vanya ;(
Working his bloody stumps to the bone.
At least Zone could provide sake to help him work through the pain......
There ya go, it's not Bump or Boost this time, it's SAKE http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
I wouldn't want to work Vanya too hard would I, otherwise there might be no more episodes http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif and that would be a great loss http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/frown.gif
So prove you've been working Vanya and not just having us on http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif!
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ROFL..Zone does not rest [MIZILUS]
Nice Vanya http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gifYa want me to publish them for ya?
Im on chapter 4 now...
And... if anybody out there wants to make me a 'cover' picture I'd be glad to include it in the PDF if I like it... http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif I'll even add your name as an artistic contributor.
Kinda like them movie posters... like Star Wars or something... (or LOTR). With some arquebusiers in the foreground and a raging battle in the background... then add (obviously) a headless horseman in a prominent background position on one side and a vicious looking warrior monk wielding a naginata on the other. Center would Agador, Kong and Miso...
And if you have some great battle pics from the game where lines of arquebusiers are firing onto onrushing monks/ashigaru I'd like to see them... maybe I add them too. And a good pic of ninjas killing arquebusiers on the ramparts of a castle would be nice too...
GAH! I think I let too much of the plot out now... http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/tongue.gif
Lol, I also think your getting a little hopeful! Ninja on ramparts? It could be done but it would take time (and patience http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif)
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ROFL..Zone does not rest [MIZILUS]
I never said the pics had to be from the game...
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/eek.gif
Funny anecdote... I had a dream this weekend... a dream of how the story should end... but between chapter 5 of Episode II and the finale of Episode III there are many heads...
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
On Chapter 7 now... http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/eek.gif
Krasturak
12-21-2001, 02:38
Gah!
Krast likes the part where Agador says 'Gah!' for the first time.
Krast also likes the parts where the others say 'Gah!' too ...
Only 7! You're slacking, sry. I was on holiday and had no access to a PC http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif
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ROFL..Zone does not rest [MIZILUS]
On 8 now... http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/tongue.gif
The story should be ready after the holidays. http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/eek.gif
Krasturak
12-22-2001, 13:52
Gah!
Special for celebrating the Imperial Arquebusiers, Krast is unveiling today ... for the first time ever ... the 'Gattling Gah! Gun'.
This fearsome weapon works like this: point at enemy, and let loose!
Come over here to the Evil Army demonstration range ...
[Officer] Range 200! Weasely escapers hiding in bushes, left of road! Short bursts! Fire!
[Gunner] Gah!
[Gattling Gun] Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah! Gah!
[Sergeant] Short bursts! Don't use up the whole belt all at once!
[Gunner] Gah!
[Gattling Gun] Gah! Gah! Gah! ... Gah! Gah! Gah! ... Gah! Gah! Gah! ... Gah! Gah! Gah! ...
[Officer] Cease fire!
[Gunner] Gah!
After the holidays? Why, where are you going, do you mean the public holidays or school holidays cause school holidays end sometime around 7th Jan. I hope and pray it was the former.
You couldn't manage to squeeze it out in time for christmas http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif Not to worry.
(However, take too long and I'll send round the gattling Gah! It sounds a fearsome weapon http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif)
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ROFL..Zone does not rest [MIZILUS]
Yes indeed when Gah! goes off... u know ur in trouble http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/wink.gif
GAH! GAH! GAH!
Sounds like my baby girl calling for me http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
How sweet! You'll jump every time she 'calls' now http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
Hows it goin' Vanya? Ep. 9 yet? Or did you have a break for christmas? Because that is sooooo selfish if you did, we want the next volume http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif
Nah, I hope you had a great christmas and have a good new year, as I might not be around to post much in the following few days before new year(That's to everyone, not just Vanya).
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ROFL..Zone does not rest [MIZILUS]
The Gah!tling gun sounds like a good idea... I know these poor saps could use of them to face Eivel...
Gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!
http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/eek.gif
CeltiberoSkullXIII
12-28-2001, 19:05
[Tso]: I am general "Cabeza de Culo" Tso, sei-taisho under Lord Oda. And I am in command here. Not you.
CABEZA DE CULO isn't portuguesen it is SPANISH my friends... and it means ASSHEAD hehehe anyway the story is great !!!
CONGRATULATIONS VANYA
SKULLXIII
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"It's better to let the enemy alive as to kill it ... To TORTURE it!" http://gifanimados.ya.com/terror/calaveras_banderas/flag_wht_blkbns_clr.gif
Quote Originally posted by CeltiberoSkullXIII:
[Tso]: I am general "Cabeza de Culo" Tso, sei-taisho under Lord Oda. And I am in command here. Not you.
CABEZA DE CULO isn't portuguesen it is SPANISH my friends... and it means ASSHEAD hehehe anyway the story is great !!!
CONGRATULATIONS VANYA
SKULLXIII
[/QUOTE]
You are absolutely right, Skull! Some one noticed the name! WOOHOO! I recently saw the documentary on the Conquistador 'Cabeza de Vaca'... clearly his nickname was an inspiration for old man Tso... http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif ... not the brightest bulb...
AND... if you enjoyed this story (Episode I), then be sure to check out Episode II! Its in the thread under the same name (Episode II is out!)... both this one and II are in PDF in the other thread. Enjoy!
[This message has been edited by Vanya (edited 12-28-2001).]
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