joke

[Pitt_Slayer]

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, I'm Jonny Wilkinson, the best flyhalf in Britain. The English need me, it would be unfair to them if I died. So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Graca Machel, says, I am the wife of the former President of South Africa. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die. So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute. The boy replies No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag... http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[Basileus]

hehe good one mate http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/bigthumb.gif

[Pitt_Slayer]

a female friend emailed me this one also

>>Subject: makes sense.....
>>
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking
tired
and sombre. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news, he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at
this
time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very
risky but
it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you
will
have to pay for the brain yourselves. The family members sat silent
as
they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a
brain cost? The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $200
for a female brain. The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man,unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, Why is the male brain so much more? The doctor smiled at
the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.

[katar]

this is an old joke, it has been revamped several times over the years, here`s one modern version of it, still gives me the odd laughing fit. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

Divert your course.

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations 10-10-95.


CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMEERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative, you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert your course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that`s one-five degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse.... your call. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/wacko.gif

[Revenant69]

Quote[/b] ]The boy replies No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...


Quote[/b] (katar @ Jan. 23 2004,03:30)]CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse.... your call. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/wacko.gif
ROFLMAO http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif

Really good jokes, keep 'em coming guys...

[Sun Tzui]

Congratulations on a great idea http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-yes.gif

How come no one rebembered to start a post like this one before? http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/confused.gif

Great jokes BTW http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/bigthumb.gif


http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-clown.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-clown.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-clown.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif

[Aymar de Bois Mauri]

Quote[/b] ]CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse.... your call. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/wacko.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
ROTFL http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-laugh3.gif http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-laugh4.gif

AWESOME http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/bigthumb.gif

I knew the first two, though... http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-wink2.gif

[Gregoshi]

I knew this would happen - a Republican version of Pitt_Slayer's joke:

-----
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, I am Kobe Bryant, the best player in the NBA; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die. So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. I am also the smartest woman in
American history, so America's people don't want me to die. She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. So he
grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic, I will sacrifice my
life and let you have the last parachute.

The girl said, That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag.
-----

They should just leave the names blank so you can fill in your own. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/rolleyes.gif

[Dillinger]

Two rednecks decided to go hunting one afternoon, and off they went. They didn't shoot a thing, and were walking through a field towards their pickup when all of a sudden one redneck convulsed and dropped to the ground. The remaining redneck dialed 9-1-1 on his cell phone, and quickly got a hold of the operator:

Ma'am, I was out huntin' with a friend and now I think he might be dead.

OK, sir, I want you to tell me if he is for certain dead ...

After a loud boom, the redneck was back on the phone:

I'm pretty sure he's dead now, Ma'am.

http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-surprised.gif

[Quokka]

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M
magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing
trying to think of how to handle the situation.
Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day
was.
The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they
were going handle this situation.
Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, Well, I guess
spanking him is out of the question.

[Quokka]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden bored out of his mind, so he asked God about a suitable companion. God replied that it would be possible.
I can create a companion that will, Love , Honor, Cherish and Obey you. They will do anything you ask with a smile and enjoy doing it. Their whole purpose will be to make you comfortable and happy
Great replied Adam, When can they get here?
Well first I'll need a few materials, for this I'll need your right eye, your left arm and one testicle
Adam thought for a minute before replying
What can I get for a rib?

[Quokka]

And finally a guide to Australia written by the late and great Douglas Adams.

The Confusing Country

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the Great Australian Bight proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.

It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, (though those that are there are usually deadly) possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea.

Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.

The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed.
They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour.If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think Ho My hole is collapsing at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.

It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises.

They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American.

Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud. Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the and Oz, Godzone (a verbal contraction of God's Own Country) and Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth.

The irritating thing about this is they may be right. There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.

The only correct answer to So, howdya' like our country, eh? is Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world. It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.

Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub., to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.

Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:

G'Day

It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

She'll be right.

And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride.

Tips to Surviving Australia:

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.

We mean it.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.

Thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See Also:

Deserts: How to die in them

The Stick: Second most useful thing ever and

Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42

[katar]

Quote[/b] ]Quokka

nice one man. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-2thumbsup.gif
just don`t mention the rugby http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-anxious.gif

[Pitt_Slayer]

lol

m8 i'm british so i don't take sides clinton vs bush lol
some one emailed me it haha

[Goofball]

IRISH CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
And with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,
he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on
the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this
world a Happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips
parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its
way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

Piss off she said, they're for the funeral.


http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/mecry.gif

[Myrano]

ROTFLMAO
That was a funny one
Mainly 'cause I consider myself Irish-American, though.
(Though apparently like 1/3 of all white people in the US do too...)

[Silianat]

your home alone while eveyone else is doing yard work outside. the phone rings

[voice]: I am God and will let you ask one question about anything and I will TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
thinking this is some stupid kid
[you]: Is this a joke??? http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/angry.gif
[God]: No {the phone is quickly hung up by God}
http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-wall.gif
dont you feel smart

i made this one up by myself sorry if your already heard it but i hadnt so to me i made it up http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-2thumbsup.gif

[Oberstein]

Nice Though I think the lighthouse one was originally about China...

Apologies for the unreservedly English nature of this joke, BTW...

Jonny Wilkinson, David Beckham, and Tim Henman are all involved in a freak plane crash, and fly away up to heaven. Once there, God speaks, and this is what he says.

Tim For your spirit, your courage in the face of adversity, your proud ability to soldier on despite the lack of support, luck, and quite frankly talent, I have reserved for you this place at my left hand.

Tim Henman can't believe his ears, thanks God profusely, and takes up his place.

David Your dedication to your sport has inspired thousands of young men to turn their back on sloth and vice. Through your playing, your skill and dedication display the harmony between man and nature that is my gift to humanity. Come, sit at my right hand.

David Beckham also thanks God profusely and moves to take his seat.

Before God can speak again, Jonny says I think....

Yes?

I think...you're sitting in my seat.

[TonkaToys]

You can modify this one to suit your experience

The C++ Monkey.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, I'll have a C monkey please.
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage full of monkeys at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and lead, handed it to the customer, saying, That'll be £5000.
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?
The shopkeeper answered, Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.
The tourist looked at the monkeys in another cage. That one's even more expensive £10,000 What does it do?
Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff, said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, That one costs more than all the other put together What on earth does it do?
The shopkeeper replied, Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.

[Ja'chyra]

Sounds remarkably familiar http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-inquisitive.gif

[scudknight]

Here's one I heard in passing recently at a renn faire:

What's the difference between a porcupine and an english carriage?

In the case of the carriage the pricks are on the inside.


*cymbal crash*

[PseRamesses]

Absolutely hilarious guys, I´m laughing myself into tears. thanks

[Bodew]

What was the last thing the redneck said before he ended up in the hospital?



Hey ya'll, watch this

[makkyo]

Three blondes go hunting one day and they come across a pair of tracks. One thinks they're moose tracks (hehehe ice cream) and an other thinks they're squirel tracks. Ten minutes later they were all hit by a train.

[Gregoshi]

I heard this one on Nickelodeon recently - so you know it is clean. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-sunny.gif

Why wasn't the young boy allowed in the theatre to see the pirate movie?

Because it was rated Arrrrrrr. http://www.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif