Jokes

[King Henry V]

We here by refuse to have a new leader. At least this one doesnt take orders.

Queen Elizebeth would wet herself in the thought of actually governing, but we have interest in taking the day off so have the coach of your soccer team to manage, he'll do a much better job.

The USA knows there are others around the world, why do you think we pwn all who oppose us?

I revoke the changing of the pronounciation of aluminum.

We'll change our vocabulary knoweledge if you get rid of "bugger of" and "bloody", every thing is bloody to you guys.

We spelled Pittsburgh the way it is because we knew the English cant cope with a different spelled word that sounds the same.

As for #3: we call 'em like we hear 'em.

English actors will be used for movies that are about the Revolution.

Also, why would we want God to save the Queen? God save your heathen idol worshiping.

Football is popular here, and is fun with real American athletes, not the euro copying the game then wonders why should they catch with their hands instead of kicking a ball around for hours. If you try the game, you'll probably wince because of the bruises you have, or worse, curse the game and blame the Americans for being so good at it and liking it.

Playing without protection are what the mentally ill do(please keep them safely secure)

We will keep the right not to house any British soldier though, lest he talks about the unimportant Queen or tea tax.

The 4 of July will be kept, also, the war of 1812 will be marked as an after party.

No car can beat the style of the Impala or the rugedness of Ford. So we'll keep things as is.

Intersection will be kept, unless we want another version of the merry go round.

Thick patatoe, warm beer? how do you live man?!?!?!

American beer will will always trump that washed down "bitter" (the name speaks for itself).

We will keep the gas prices as is, and the name too; get used to it.

We will keep the therapists, so we wont go mad like some of you, keep our weopons just incase you try pulling a fast one on us, and keep our lawers to sue British tourists for lousy reasons.

We already said who shot JFK, cant you stop watching soccer for one minute?

Our taxes have been paid in the form of crest and colgate along with listerine, you know, good ol' American dentistry. We will send more since British teeth are a little more susceptible to plaque, thus making women more attractive? sound like a plan.

A copy of this will be made in large print for the Queen (no King?)

Touchy, aren't we?

[edyzmedieval]

We'll change our vocabulary knoweledge if you get rid of "bugger of" and "bloody", every thing is bloody to you guys.

Direct hit. 16-1 for UK.


We spelled Pittsburgh the way it is because we knew the English cant cope with a different spelled word that sounds the same.

16-2...


Football is popular here, and is fun with real American athletes, not the euro copying the game then wonders why should they catch with their hands instead of kicking a ball around for hours. If you try the game, you'll probably wince because of the bruises you have, or worse, curse the game and blame the Americans for being so good at it and liking it.

Well, rugby is much more hard than that sissy sport, called NFL.


Playing without protection are what the mentally ill do(please keep them safely secure)

Not actually, they show that they are MEN!


No car can beat the style of the Impala or the rugedness of Ford. So we'll keep things as is.

Uuu, pimp alert. :egypt:


Thick patatoe, warm beer? how do you live man?!?!?!

Like men. :smash:



We will keep the therapists, so we wont go mad like some of you, keep our weopons just incase you try pulling a fast one on us, and keep our lawers to sue British tourists for lousy reasons.

16-3.



We already said who shot JFK, cant you stop watching soccer for one minute?

WOOOO!!! That's hard!!! :laugh4:
16-6.


Our taxes have been paid in the form of crest and colgate along with listerine, you know, good ol' American dentistry. We will send more since British teeth are a little more susceptible to plaque, thus making women more attractive? sound like a plan.

Double kill!!! :laugh4:

16-9


A copy of this will be made in large print for the Queen (no King?)

Triple Kill!

16-12.

So, in conclusion ladies & gents, UK wins by 16-12.

[Boyar Son]

No! foul, uuh... overtime!... redo?

EDIT(for those who think I'm angry):What comon I'm not mad! I thought it would be a good idea to spoof others like comedians do!

[King Henry V]

Pray forgive me for my mistake then, it was just that your comments reminded me of the comments I saw on facebook where this was posted, where the gist of many posts made in response by Americans was that the British were a bunch of toothless, crumpet-eating, masturbating fairies

[Boyar Son]

Well..mine was the best!
+1 post!

I think the funniest type of comedy is to insult others, and others insulting in kind. Besides Americans and Europeans always insult each other.

We soo need to insult each other, Soccer fan fights anyone??


(Posting "+1" = +1 Warning Points - Beirut)

[InsaneApache]

Pray forgive me for my mistake then, it was just that your comments reminded me of the comments I saw on facebook where this was posted, where the gist of many posts made in response by Americans was that the British were a bunch of toothless, crumpet-eating, masturbating fairies


Bloody hell, flippin' heck, bugger me...we've been sussed at last. :laugh4:

[Gawain of Orkeny]

Here's one we used to tease my father with:

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Do you know?



Careful there :furious3:

Looks for Kafir

Theres still a few of us cusses lurkin about here.

[Beirut]

Everyone be nice, please. :daisy:

[edyzmedieval]

Everyone be nice, please. :daisy:

Everytime I see this, it makes me feel fuzzy. :daisy:

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

In a fine restaurant a couple named Beatrice (65) and Bert (60) are celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary since the start of their happy marriage.

To thank them for being loyal to each other for all these years a fairy come to grant each one a wish. Beatrice says "I love my husband so much, we have loved each other unconditionally for the past forty years, and I really want to say thank you to my wonderful husband for everything he has done for me, henceforth, I wish that I had the money to grant him everything materialistic that he could ever possibly desire." The fairy grants the wish and thousands of fifty pounds notes appear in her pocket.

The husband, however, wishes for something a little more selfish. "I have loved you wife for all these years, yet now, you are getting much too old for me. So, I wish that I had a wife who was forty years younger than me." The fairy sighed, but she granted him his wish all the same - however, not quite as he imagined:

Bert became 105

________________

There were three men - a man named Robert, a man named John, and a man named Luke. They had been captured by the policeman named Henry and had to serve twenty years in prison. The policeman, however, was having a very good day so decided to grant them one wish each before he placed them in their prison cells for their crimes. Robert wished for his wife, so his wife was brought and placed in the cell with her English husband. John wished for beer, so thousands of cans of beer were brought to his cell and he was locked inside. The Luke wished for cigarettes, so thousands of packets of cigarettes were brought to his cell and he was locked inside.

Twenty years later, Robert came out with fifty children and his wife, alive and well. John came out drunk and staggering as he walked, having drunk many cans of beer within his cell. Luke came out un-harmed, but saying:

Does anybody have a lighter

________________

Terrible jokes, but I'm hopeless with this sort of thing.

[Warmaster Horus]

Not bad Omanes, but in the spoiler tag it should be 10 more for the first one.

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

Not bad Omanes, but in the spoiler tag it should be 10 more for the first one.Oops sorry, I've fixed it.

[Caius]

Love the first one, Omanes

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

Thanks Caius :bow:
__________________

Why did Moses lose the race?
Because God told him to come fourth

__________________

:creep:

[Marshal Murat]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather
than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze forst plas

I like the proposal.


A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon
an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of
the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The
Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the
squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.


The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled
to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he
yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing
liberal drunk." "So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well,
so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the
road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us".

All in good humor for those who support either Kennedy or Clinton.
Beirut, edit at your leisure.

[TevashSzat]

This was taken from the Darwin awards


Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."


"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

[sapi]

They tested that on Mythbusters a while back.

bs was the conclusion, unfortunately ~:(

The Darwin awards are usually fact checked, too...

[Andres]

***Bump***


Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"

[Caius]

***Bump***


Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"
:laugh4:

[Bijo]

In a fine restaurant a couple named Beatrice (65) and Bert (60) are celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary since the start of their happy marriage.

To thank them for being loyal to each other for all these years a fairy come to grant each one a wish. Beatrice says "I love my husband so much, we have loved each other unconditionally for the past forty years, and I really want to say thank you to my wonderful husband for everything he has done for me, henceforth, I wish that I had the money to grant him everything materialistic that he could ever possibly desire." The fairy grants the wish and thousands of fifty pounds notes appear in her pocket.

The husband, however, wishes for something a little more selfish. "I have loved you wife for all these years, yet now, you are getting much too old for me. So, I wish that I had a wife who was forty years younger than me." The fairy sighed, but she granted him his wish all the same - however, not quite as he imagined:

Bert became 105

:laugh4: Great!

[Marshal Murat]

Double Post.

[Marshal Murat]

(Language. Too much to fix - Beirut)

[Crazed Rabbit]

:laugh4:

Seriously, I hate to tell you, but the only countries that play baseball or gridiron are those that were occupied by the USA and forced to ~;)

So, you're saying we occupied Canada? Sweet! And they always said we didn't.

CR

[sapi]

Rofl @ Marshall Murat :grin2:

[barocca]

:laugh4:

Seriously, I hate to tell you, but the only countries that play baseball or gridiron are those that were occupied by the USA and forced to ~;)

sadly that includes AUSTRALIA
(we were occupied during WW2...)
B.

[sapi]

sadly that includes AUSTRALIA
(we were occupied during WW2...)
B.
:inquisitive:

Well, that's a new interpretation of events :grin2:

[Warmaster Horus]

I pity the poor people who didn't see Marshall Murat's post. Laugh of the day that was!
Maybe if he edits his language, to present it in a suitable manner...

[Orb]

Q: How many chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let her cook in the dark.

As usual, ripped from another forum.

[InsaneApache]

Great British Sporting Commentator Gaffes....

And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson)
Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)
"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"We can't tell you the result, but the winning goal from Niall Quinn was
his 14th of the season." (Jim Rosenthal)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious" (Alan Minter)
"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like
Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)
That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

:laugh4:

[Abokasee]

How many fools with welding equipment does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They can't, the welded it together

Whats a Tiberian Harvester Defination of a short cut?

Through the enemy base

[InsaneApache]

Les Dawson from my part of Manchester.

Heard the one about...

The mother-in-law

* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My wife said, "Aren't you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough".

* The wife's mother said: "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."

The wife

* My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

* My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

* The wife was sleeping like a log - she had her head in the fireplace.

* For years my wife thought the Charge of the Light Brigade was the electricity bill.

Outdoor plumbing

* In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought ... "I must put a roof on the lavatory".**

Poverty

* I came from a very poor family. Up until the age of 15, I thought knives and forks were jewellery.

* I can't forget those days ... I never had any shoes - my father used to black my feet and lace my toes up.

Comedy

* I don't have to do this for a living, I just do it for the luxuries like bread and shoes.

**My favourite. :2thumbsup: :laugh4:

[Bijo]

Well, alright. I dislike jokes, but there is one type of joke, a certain genre, which never ceases to amuse my critical mind. It is jokes about Dutch people's greediness (!)


A beggar tells his colleague he received something from a lady.
Beggar 2: "What did she tell you?"
Beggar 1: "She put something in my hand and told me it was for a cup of coffee."
Beggar 2: "What was it?"
Beggar 1: "Sugar."

---

A person is in a Dutch restaurant and asks the waiter: "What is it that we can get the quickest?"
Waiter: "The bill, sir."

---

A group of five Dutch people decides to engage in a bet in which the wage is one euro: he who is able to stay under water the longest wins. They all drowned.

---

A Dutch father to his little son: "Boy, go on over to the coal dealer and stick out your tongue. He might get pissed and throw a couple of coals towards you."

---

How does a Dutch man engage in group sex?He makes love to his wife in front of the mirror.

---

Who invented copper/brass wire? Two Dutchmen who fought for a nickel.

---

Man 1: "I wish my wife would return."
Man 2: "When did she leave you?"
Man 1: "Couple weeks ago. She wanted to get me some beer, but hasn't returned."
Man 2: "So you finally recognize how much you can't live without her...?"
Man 1: "Actually... I'm almost dying from thirst."

[InsaneApache]

Two Irish Lesbians?

Gaelic

:embarassed: :laugh4:

[Beirut]

Now, now. Let us restrain ourselves.

And no more making fun of the Dutch! Having to clunk around in those wooden shoes all day tending to windmills has got be punishment enough.

[Moros]

No more making fun of the Dutch? What a sick place the world has become. ~:no:

[Bijo]

Alright alright. I'll make an exception for this joke thread. How about Belgian people and their so-called dumbness? :saint:


--

In Brussels a new airport is being constructed. It is one with overhead roofs for the runways. That way the runways won't get wet by rain.

---

Why does a Belgian smile when lightning will strike? He thinks his picture is being taken.

---

Woman 1: "I saw your husband but he didn't notice me."
Woman 2: "I know: he told me so."

---

A Belgian guy is lying on the operating table in the hospital. "You can take off your mask, doc... I recognized you already!"

---

Teacher: "I drink, you drink, he drinks, we drink: what kind of time do they represent?"
Belgian boy: "Well, that's saturday night of course."

---

Why do Belgian women have square nipples? To let their younglings get used to the Belgian fries.

---

How does a Belgian catch mice? He maneuvers them underneath a closet and then he saws away the closet legs.

---

Woman to her Belgian boyfriend: "Am I really the only you love?"
Boyfriend: "Of course. Last night I rechecked the whole list."

---

Woman 1: "Have you educated your daughter about sex already?"
Woman 2: "It is kinda difficult: every time I try to her baby starts to cry."

---

Man 1: "The gas prices have been heightened."
Man 2: "Well, they won't fool ME: I never gas up for more than a hundred francs."

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

A man was run over by a twenty ton American lorry. After hearing about the catastrophe, his two best friends rushed to hospital to check how he was. When they arrived, the nurses briefed them on his situation:

"He's in a critical condition" one of the nurses said gravely,

The nurses then took the friends towards the victim's bedside. Surprising, they saw him sat up and in a perfect physical condition. He instantly spoke to them in an abnormally eloquent, yet snappy way:

"That top you are wearing, it doesn't suit you! Your tie isn't straight, it is one nanometre to the left of that button, it should be exactly over it. You've also put on weight! Atrocious! Absolutely despicable! I cannot bear to observe your untidiness!"

Surprised at his attitude, both of the man's friends turned towards the nurses,

"We did warn you he was in a critical condition"
:creep:

[Marshal Murat]

A couple had just returned home from the doctors. They were both diagnosed with Alzheimers, and the doctor had suggested that they write everything down so they can remember what they were looking for or doing.
Well, as they got home they sat down to watch television.
The wife asks her husband.

"Will you go get me some ice cream?"
"Sure," and the husband goes to the kitchen.
"Don't you need to write it down?"
"It's only ice cream," he replies as he walks into the kitchen.
Disgruntled the wife yells "Add some strawberries!"
"Okay."
"Add some whipped cream!"
"Okay."
"Add some hot fudge!"
"Okay."

The husband returns a few minutes later with two waffles and a cup of coffee.
The wife asks "Where is my toast?"


#2
There was a meeting of Atlantic Naval Officers. There were British, American, Canadian, and French admirals there. The entire meeting was conducted in English, and this made the French very angry.
"Why don't you speak French like civilized people!"
The American admiral replied...
"Because we fixed it so we don't have to speak German."

[atheotes]

This ones probably been done before:

A man walks into a bar in Londonand ordered 3-glasses of beer
and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai, the other in Canadaand I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.


When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"
I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no,"
he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .


The only thing is


I just quit drinking!!!

:creep:

[InsaneApache]

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home,however, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife went absolutely berserk and stayed in a mood for hours. After 7 days of swearing and screaming, his wife paused for breath and pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days??!?"..... The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!" Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday,the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

Two aerials met on a roof. They fell in love and decided to get married. The wedding was awful, but...
...the reception wasn't bad!
I'll get my coat :creep:

[Don Corleone]

The CIA is looking for a new assassin for covert ops. They select a group of candidates from various backgrounds and put them through rigorous training. At the end of the training, three candidates remain. The CIA director takes the three men out to an abandoned shack in the woods at night. He leaves two in the car and walks the first one up to the door. At the door, he hands the candidate a pistol. "We need to test your loyalty, no matter what the circumstances. On the other side of that door, your wife is tied to a chair. Take this gun, enter the room, and shoot her.". Horrified, the candidate thrusts the gun back at the director and runs for daylight.

The director leads the second candidate out of the car. He makes the same appeal. The 2nd candidate looks like he's swallowed a very large bug. He gradually musters the courage to walk through the door and closes it behind him. 15 minutes later, he comes out, tears streaming down his face. "I can't do it. I love her!" The director takes the gun back from him and has another agent drive him back to town.

He leads the 3rd candidate up to the door and makes the same speech. Without hesitation, the 3rd candidate grabs the gun from his outstreched hand and strides through the front door. *BLAM*! *BLAM BLAM BLAM*... *BLAM* *BLAM* Shots are heard from inside the house! Then some screaming, a loud tussle, some banging. Finally, the 3rd candidate, looking like he was attacked by a cougar, stumbles out of the house. "You bastard!", he shouts at the director. "You put blanks in the gun! I had to beat her to death with the chair!"

[Don Corleone]

A middle-aged couple who happened to be University professors were going through a rough patch in their marriage. The wife, a mathematics professor, tried all sorts of innovative ways to 'spice' up their marriage, to no avail. The husband, a poetry professor, appeared to have a wandering eye for the younger lasses strolling across the quad all day. Fretfully, she worried about the day that temptation would prove too great for him. And finally, it came. She arrived home mid-afternoon, after her last class. She found a note tacked to the refrigerator, penned in her husband's flowery script. It read:

My dearest Kathleen,
I love you to my core,
I'm afraid the sex is wont...
It has lately become a bore.

A man my age needs youth
and our adventures mean no harm,
I hope you will understand,
and you shall find no cause for alarm

I have taken a coed to the hotel
I don't expect to be there all day
I expect to find my dinner waiting,
It's only my time to play.

Later that day, the husband finally arrived home, feeling like a tom cat on the prowl. Rather than a simpering wife, or an irate one, he found none at all. Strage, he thought. And then he found a note, also taped to the refrigerator.

It read:
My dearest Trevor,
I understand completely. While I'm not a poet, I hope you know enough math to figure this out:

I too have taken one of my grad students for a lover. As you know, 26 goes into 52 more times than 52 goes into 26. Unlike you, I won't be home until the morning. With love, Kathleen.

[InsaneApache]

The Small Arrow

The Japanese have finally revealed a mystery for you.
How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the
mouse?

Haven't you ever wondered how it moves across the screen so smoothly?
Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done.
With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.

Click on the link below and you will find out. Once the website opens,
slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how
the magic works.

http://www.1-click.jp/

[edyzmedieval]

The CIA is looking for a new assassin for covert ops. They select a group of candidates from various backgrounds and put them through rigorous training. At the end of the training, three candidates remain. The CIA director takes the three men out to an abandoned shack in the woods at night. He leaves two in the car and walks the first one up to the door. At the door, he hands the candidate a pistol. "We need to test your loyalty, no matter what the circumstances. On the other side of that door, your wife is tied to a chair. Take this gun, enter the room, and shoot her.". Horrified, the candidate thrusts the gun back at the director and runs for daylight.

The director leads the second candidate out of the car. He makes the same appeal. The 2nd candidate looks like he's swallowed a very large bug. He gradually musters the courage to walk through the door and closes it behind him. 15 minutes later, he comes out, tears streaming down his face. "I can't do it. I love her!" The director takes the gun back from him and has another agent drive him back to town.

He leads the 3rd candidate up to the door and makes the same speech. Without hesitation, the 3rd candidate grabs the gun from his outstreched hand and strides through the front door. *BLAM*! *BLAM BLAM BLAM*... *BLAM* *BLAM* Shots are heard from inside the house! Then some screaming, a loud tussle, some banging. Finally, the 3rd candidate, looking like he was attacked by a cougar, stumbles out of the house. "You bastard!", he shouts at the director. "You put blanks in the gun! I had to beat her to death with the chair!"

:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:

[InsaneApache]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . and that's how the fight started.

:laugh4:

[Boyar Son]

:laugh4: :laugh4:

Now I get it, its not his name but which of the 7 dwarves he is!!!!


good one!!

[InsaneApache]

The Men RULES
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules '
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really

1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

:laugh4: :clown: :yes:

[Mouzafphaerre]

.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
My favourite! :2thumbsup:
Except I'm not really round. I'm rather like:


...
. .
. .
...
.
...
. .
. .
. .
. .
. .
. .:embarassed:
.

[Moros]

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
isn't that from the simpsons?

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
Possibly it's into The Simpsons. :yes:
.

[Good Ship Chuckle]

Where does Saddam keep his CD's?

In a rack. (Iraq)



Terrible...I know.:tongue3:

[Good Ship Chuckle]

Okay, okay. Let me redeem myself.

Why didn't the spider wanted to be drafted to fight in the war on terror?

Because he had Iraqnaphobia. (Arachnophobia)




It just keeps getting better! :tongue3:

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
I chuckled at the first and laughed at the second. :laugh4: The jokes are really cheap but you? :laugh4:
.

[Good Ship Chuckle]

I'm glad someone laughed. I thought it was going to be a tough crowd.

[MerlinusCDXX]

Ok here's one

4 nuns are waiting in the foyer for entrance into heaven. St. Peter comes along, "hello Sisters, come with me please" they walk until they arrive at a vat of Holy Water. St. Peter tells them "You have been doing the work of the Lord, I know no one is perfect, so we have devised a way for you all to enter heaven. I want you to form a line, and each of you one at a time to come to me and confess your sins, and I will prescribe a penance and then you can enter paradise."

The first nun goes forward.
StP "yes, my child, go ahead and confess"
N1 "I have let a man touch my breast"
StP "anything else"
N1 "no, that's all"
StP "dip your breast in the Holy Water and all will be forgiven"
She does it and enters heaven.

Second nun steps up
StP "yes, my child"
N2 "I have touched a man's uhhh, you know"
StP "anything else"
N2 "no, that's all"
StP "wash your hands in the Holy Water and enter the presence of the Almighty"
She also does it and enters heaven.

Third nun goes forward.
StP "yes, my child"
Fourth nun interjects
"now just you wait a minute Pete"
StP (annoyed) "what"
N4 "if you expect me to gargle that Holy Water, I sure ain't lettin' that floozy in front of me stick her @rse in it first."

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
This one is an undieing classical but your version made me laugh out loud! :laugh4:
.

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
SPELL CHECKER

I have a spell chequer
it came with my pea sea,
It plainly marquees four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea

When I strike a quay or right
a word, I weight four it two say,
weather eye am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It noes bee fore two late
and eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.

I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased to no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer toiled me sew!

(Sauce unknown)
.

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
German is easy

Those who know Latin and are used to the derivations, can easily learn it.

This thing is actually mentioned by almost all of the German teachers at every start of their courses. Then, they continue with studying some odd words like "der", "die", "das", "den", etc. In the end, it must be reminded that it is such a logical and simple language.

To explain all that we have affirmed, let's take a practical example. Firstly, buy the "German Language Book". It's an awesome volume, with covers made of carton, published in Dortmund, which tells us about the customs of the Hottenttots (auf Deutsch: Hottentotten). In the book it is told how the kangaroos (Beutelratten) and caught and imprisoned in cages (Kotter), covered with a cloth (Lattengitter), which protected them from the rain. These cages are called in German "cages covered with cloths" (Lattengitterkotter), and, when they contain a kangaroo: Lattengitterkotterbeutelratten. One day, the Hottentots arrested an assassin (Attentäter), accused to have killed a a Hottentot mother (Hottentottenmutter), having a silly boy with talking problems (Stottertrottel).
Such a female is called in German Hottentottenstottertrottelmutter, and its assassin is a Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentater. The assassin is captured and it is locked for a while in a kangaroo cage (Beutelrattenlattengitterkotter), but the captive escapes. Immediately, everybody goes searching the fugitive and, suddenly, a Hottentot warrior returns yelling:
-I've got the assassin (Attentater)!
-Really? Which?
-The Lattengitterkotterbeutelrattenattentater.
-What? The assasin in the kangaroo cage that is covered with a cloth?
-Well, the Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentater (The assassin of the Hottentot mother of the silly child with talking disorders).
-Oh! You should have said from the start that you caught Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterlattengitterkotter beutelrattenattentater.

As you can see, German is a simple language. All it needs is a little patience...
.

[Viking]

.
SPELL CHECKER

I have a spell chequer
it came with my pea sea,
It plainly marquees four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea

When I strike a quay or right
a word, I weight four it two say,
weather eye am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It noes bee fore two late
and eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.

I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased to no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer toiled me sew!

(Sauce unknown)
.


Excellent. ~D

[Evil_Maniac From Mars]

Post


>>>>> The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
>>>>> will be the official language of the European Union rather than
>>>>> German, which was the other possibility.
>>>>>
>>>>>As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
>>>>>English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
>>>>>5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
>>>>>
>>>>>In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
>>>>>will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
>>>>>
>>>>>The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
>>>>>konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
>>>>>
>>>>>There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
>>>>>troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words
>>>>>like fotograf 20% shorter.
>>>>>
>>>>>In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
>>>>>expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.
>>>>>
>>>>>Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
>>>>>always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
>>>>>
>>>>>Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
>>>>>languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
>>>>>
>>>>>By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
>>>>>with "z" and "w" with "v".
>>>>>
>>>>>During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
>>>>>kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten
styl.
>>>>>
>>>>>Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
>>>>>tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
>>>>>
>>>>>Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
>>>>>in ze forst plas.

[Veho Nex]

Heres a really bad one

So a lawyer reaches the pearly gates....

[Mouzafphaerre]

.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Das ist Dutch! :laugh4:
.

[PershsNhpios]

A Frenchman, a German, and a Cocker Spaniel walk into a bar,
And the Bartender asks loudly, "What is this then, a Joke?"

[Good Ship Chuckle]

The Devil visits a lawyer and proposes a deal:

The devil says "I will make you rich, your clients will love you, you will get respect from your colleagues, and you will have four months of vacation every year. However, your wife and kids will have to rot in hell for all of eternity!"

The Lawyer thinks about it for a minute and then says "Okay, what's the catch?"

[Raz]

:laugh4:
You really are a chuckle ship. And keeping with lawyers:

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions,"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

And:
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?

[Veho Nex]

Continuing on the lawyer bashing heres two that I know.

So a guy is driving down the road and he see's a lawyer hitchhiking off to the right. He slowely starts to swerve and BAM!!! hit the lawyer. The next day he's driving down the road with his priest in the passanger seat and he sees the same lawyer on the side of the road. Slowely he starts to swerve but then says he had better not since there was a priest in the car. As he's moving back out onto the road he hears WHAM!!! and looks over stunned at the priest. "You missed him with your bumber but, don't worry I got him with the door."

And the second one:

A guy is driving down the road and he sees a man hitch hiking on the side. Thinking to be a good sameritan he picks him up, the man says he's been walking for a long time and ask if it would be alright if he could sleep. So the man goes to sleep and a little while down the road he is awoken by a large BAM!. "What was that!!!??!?!" the guy replies; "Nothing nothing, dont worry about it go back to sleep." So the hitchhiker goes back to sleep. a little while down the road he is awoken by a large WHAM!. "What was that?!?! I deffinately heard something that time!" the guy replies; "Nothing nothing, dont worry about it go back to sleep." After he just nods off he hears WHAM WHAM WHAM BANG!! "What the **** was that?!?!!!?!" " A Lawyer had to go through three fences to get'em."


Ok I know theyre bad but theyre much better if you can hear them in person

[seireikhaan]

Well, to continue the lawyer littany-

What's the difference between a dead animal on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

The dead animal has skid marks leading up to it.

[LittleGrizzly]

I went shopping the other day with my daughter to get her a barbie, It was £9.99 for just a barbie but itself, £29.99 for barbie with a horse and carriage, and the barbie divorce edition had no price on it so i took it to the checkout and asked how much it was, ''£49.99'' ''Why so much ?'' ''Because with the barbie divorce edition you get Kens money his house his car....''

[Kralizec]

A teacher gives his pupils a "literary" assignment.
"I want you to write a short story, containing at least the following elements:
-Royal family
-Religion
-Mystery
That's it. You have one hour, so you'd better start immediately."

The pupils begin writing. Only about two minutes later a pupil walks to the teacher and says he's done, and hands him a sheet of paper.
"That's impossible" says the teacher and starts reading the story:

"My God" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder from who..."

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
:laugh4:

That one never gets old. :yes:

They made it in a local TV series. A smartass schoolgirl is assigning a paper about "maternity, religion and mystery":


"Oh my god, I'm pregnant! I wonder from whom?" :thinking:

:clown:
.

[Abokasee]

Ok here is a cannibal Island one just thought of (Remember all names are according to the child)

A Small child walks into a VERY tall hut
Small Child: Mum whats for dinner?
Mum: Dad!
Grandad: Yes?
Mum: There you go

(Extended version)

A Small child walks into a VERY tall hut
Small Child: Mum whats for dinner?
Mum: Dad!
Grandad: Mum!
Great Grandmother: Dad!
Great Great Grandad: Mum!
Great Great Great Grandmother: Dad!
Great Great Great Great Granddad: Mum!
Great Great Great Great Great Grandmother: Grandad!
*No response*
Mum: I think you know now

[The Wandering Scholar]

What do you call two men playing tennis?

The Murray Bros

[Caius]

welcome to L337 class 101, today we learn some common online acronyms

such as:

LOL

LOL usually means "laugh out loud", in the case of "hey bob, that joke was really funny, lol

this way LOL is written in all lower-case letters

LOL could also mean "loss of life", in the case of "I'm sorry gina, your grandpa died yesterday, LOL"

note in this expression they are all written in capitals

that ends today's lesson

[InsaneApache]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"


"Just water," says the priest.


The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"


The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
:laugh4:
.

[Kralizec]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband.

The newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying. Turning to her husband she says sobbing, "That's horrible".

Confused, he responds, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving. And, well, there is that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing says,
"Honey, how many is a brazillion?"

[Veho Nex]

AHAHAHAHA that one is good; im not to sure about this one but here it goes any ways *prays to what ever god is more acceptable*

Capatilization in sentences is every thing. It's the difference between:
"I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse."

And

"I had to help my uncle jack off a horse"

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
:laugh4:

There's a slightly different Turkish version, with punctuation:

Oku, baban gibi eşek olma!
Oku baban gibi, eşek olma!
.

A means "Study, don't become an ass like your father!" while B reads "Study like your father did, don't become an ass!".
ass: donkey
.

.

.

[Veho Nex]

lol

[Raz]

Yeah, lol....
:tumbleweed:

If quizzes are quizicals then what are tests?
... You don't really think I'd post the answer here do you? :wink2:

[Kralizec]

In a mental hospital, a bunch of patients are sitting in a waiting room for a routine checkup.

The door to the doctor's office opens. A nurse appears and yells "Next!"
A patient from the back of the room stands up and walks to the door. The others protest immediately.
"You came in last. Wait for your turn!"

He responds indignantly with:
"I'm Napoleon, Emperor of France and conquerer of Europe. I don't need to wait in line like you peasants."

"Who says you're Napoleon?!"

"Why, God did!" is the furious response.

Then, a new voice from the other corner of the room:
"I never said anything like that!"

[Good Ship Chuckle]

What's black and white, and warm all over?

A polar bear.

No, really. They have white fur and black skin. I bet you didn't know that.

[KarlXII]

Yeah, lol....
:tumbleweed:

If quizzes are quizicals then what are tests?
... You don't really think I'd post the answer here do you? :wink2:

You catch a fish with fishbait, a bird with bird bait, so what do you catch an IMaster with?

Think about it

[Raz]

I thought the last one was "Mazda"? But IMaster works too... :laugh4:

[InsaneApache]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
‘Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[Kralizec]

:laugh4:

I didn't see that coming.

[Ravencroft]

Let me...

Kid: Ma, Ma only I answered the teacher's question!
Ma: Really? My kid's really good...

what did your teacher ask, any way?
He asked us, who has no assignment?

[InsaneApache]

Why's the English summer like Baghdad?

It's a little bit sunni, but mostly shi'ite.

ba-bum-tish!

:drummer:

[InsaneApache]

This fella walks into the doctor's and says "Doctor, I think I'm going deaf". The doctor asks "Can you describe the symptoms?", to which he replied "Yes, Homer's yellow and fat whereas Marge has got big blue hair".

[Herkus]

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
:laugh4:
.

[InsaneApache]

Apparently the Fritzl family survived all these years on just toast and sandwiches, it's a good job they were all interbred!

Coat on, taxi called. :oops: :laugh4:

[Caius]

These were answers provided by sixth graders during a history test.

1. Mummies inhabited ancient Egypt and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is so bad that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them, we would not have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

4. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

5. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and threw the java.

6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, “Tee hee, Brutus”.

7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw.

8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen”. As a queen, she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah”.

9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

10. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

11. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

12. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

13. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and was shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, an insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

14. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practised on an old spinster, which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large.

15. Beethoven wrote music although he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

16. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Found that, and I will add one more:

The Cold War was a war when people died frozen :shame:

[KarlXII]

From a chat log:


My friend was caught speeding by a female cop. She was sayin his rights, and ended with "Anything you say will be held against you". My friend replied with:

(Ummm... no - Beirut)

[Kamakazi]

heres a joke....ur mom lololololololol

jk o course

[InsaneApache]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.


He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.


As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his
balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".


The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..











"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

[Don Corleone]

So I was reading Knight of the Rose's fascinating camel campaign in the Main Hall and it reminded me of an oldie but a goodie...


Young Lieutenant Winslow is stationed in Egypt with the BEF. For his first post, he is sent out into the desert west of Cairo to take command of a small squad of Bedouins loyal to the crown. After a couple of days in the desert, Lt. Winslow notes a camel staked off in a quiet corner behind a hut. He asks the tribal leader about the camel. "Aah yes, young lordling. Time in the desert is hard, and men are men. With no women here... aah, the men, they get lonely..." he sheepishly explains.

Horrified, Winslow storms off. He cannot believe that he is in command of a squadron of men given to bestiality. But sure enough, after several weeks of marching and drilling in the hot sun, without sight of a woman, he finds his own hormones starting to build. Finally, one night, after a few glasses of some 12 year old single malt he brought along with him, he decides to try the camel and see if it can't offer some relief.

So, he grabs a fruit box from out of the canteen and sets it behind the camel. He climbs up, unzips, and proceeds about his business. The camel brays loudly, then resumes chewing it's grass for dinner. Lt. Winslow gets so excited, he begins making noises. The tribal leader comes running up and looks horrified as he stares at the Lieutenant.

"What?" asks the Lieutenant. "You have no right to judge me, you hypocrite. You yourself said when the men get lonely, they use the camel".

"Yes, you sick dog" answers the tribal leader. "To ride to the whore house.".

*Bah dum, bum* :drummer:

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
:laugh4:
.

[Kamakazi]

you all jus wait till i can go to the backroom cuz i have a very funny back room style joke

[InsaneApache]

Reception teacher asks one of her little students Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.

The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.

Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

[pevergreen]

You know what IA, that exact joke is in my jokebook behind me. So I shall post another one.

One fine day Mr Rabbit goes running through the forest and he sees a giraffe rolling a big fat joint and says, "Giraffe! Giraffe! Why do you smoke puff? Come run with me and get fit instead."
So the Giraffe stops rolling his reefer and runs with the rabbit.
They come across an elephant doing lines of cocaine on a mirror. The rabbit says, "Elephant! Elephant! Why do you go drugs? Come run with us instead and get fit." So the elephant stops and goes running with them.
They come across a lion preparing a syringe of smack. "Lion! Lion!" cries the rabbit, "why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead."
The lion, with a mighty roar, squashes the little rabbit to smithereens.
"No!" the Giraffe and elephant cry, "Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was help you out!"
The lion says "Freaking rabbit, always makes me run around this bloody forest when he's done a few pills."

[Kralizec]

Great ones, pev and IA :laugh4:

[Strike For The South]

Whats the difference between 700 dead babies and a ferrari?

I don't have a ferrari in my garage!!!!

[Hooahguy]

a man walks into a Spanish restaurant. as he is waiting for his food, the doors swing open and in comes two waiters and the band begins to play. they go to customer at a table and serve him a giant platter with two giant balls of meat. the man calls over the waiter and asks him what the other man was having.
the waiter replied, "after a bullfight, we raffle off the dead bull's 'lower organs' and only one wins per year"
so the man pays for a raffle ticket, eats his food, and leaves.

a year later, his ticket was chosen.
so he got there, and a band was playing, and a waiter brought over the big platter.
on it were two small balls of meat.
the man asks, "what happened? the other guy had two giant balls of meat!"
the waiter smiles and replies,
"ah- sometimes the bull wins...."
:grin:

[Hosakawa Tito]

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “your sense of humor”.


Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "


When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy? The day his hand caught on fire

[seireikhaan]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

[pevergreen]

A penguin is driving down the road when his Falcon starts to sputter. Steam pours out of the bonnet and there's liquid splashing all over the road. The penguin pulls into a Castrol truck stop and asks the machanic for help. The machanic says it will take him a while to diagnose the difficulty - so the penguin goes into the cafe and sits at one of the tables, amongst the truckers, and has a cup of coffee.
He returns to the mechanic, who's still working on the problem - so the penguin goes and gets a Cornetto from the freezer. And as he licks away at it, he gets ice-cream all over his beak.
Now he returns to the mechanic who, still under the bonnet, looks up and says, "Looks like you've blown a seal."
And the penguin says, "No! No, I haven't. I've just had an ice-cream."

[Gregoshi]

A penguin is driving down the road..."
Ugh! pever, you'd better tell an otter joke, that one was lame. Speaking of lame...

[pevergreen]

Some more, all in spoilers :grin2:

A bloke wanted to purchase a present for his new girlfriend. They'd only been going out together for a few weeks or so, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Not too romantic, not too personal.
Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to the department store and bought a really charming pair of white gloves. At the same time, the sister bought a pair of sexy underwear for herself.
During the wrapping, the sop assistant mixed up the items - so the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the underwear. And she also got the little card that the bloke had written.


"Darling, I chose these because I know that you're not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it hadn't been for your sister, i would have chosen the long ones with the buttons. But she wears short ones that are easier to get off. I know they're a pale colour, but the lady told me you could wear them for weeks and they wouldnt look soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked really good, even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps her to keep her ring clean and shiny. In fact, she hadn't had to wash it since she'd begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as, no doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away. They'll naturally be a little damp from wearing. And just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the weeks ahead. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All the best.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said, "Whos speaking please?" And a voice said, "You are."

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."

So I rang up a local rubbish removal firm. I said "I want a skip outside my house." He said "Im not stopping you.

So I went to the dentist. And he said, "Say Aaah." I said, "Why?" He said, "Because my dog's died."

Most dentist chairs go up and down. The one I was in went backwards and forwards. I thought, 'This is strange.' And the dentist said to me, "For Goodness Sake, get out of the filing cabinet."

So I was in my car, driving along, and my mobile phone rang. It was my boss. "You've been promoted." And i swerved. Then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again." And i swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director." And I swerved into a tree. And the policeman said, "What happened to you?" And i said, "I careered off the road."

A couple of blokes were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to order their burgers and fries. There was a sign posted over the till: "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
And one bloke said to another, "If I had a bill larger than 20 bucks I wouldn't bloody well be eating here."

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A prominent young lawyer was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit, when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St Peter started to escort him inside when he began to protest that his untimely death must be some sort of mistake.
"Im much too young to die! Im only 35" St Peter agreed that 35 did seem a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
St Peter returned, and said to the attorney, "I'm afraid the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
Steve went to confession and told the priest that he had been with five different women the night before, each women another man's fiancee or wife. The priest told Steve to go home and squeeze three lemons and two limes into a cup of water and drink it. Steve asked the priest if that would give him absolution.
The priest replied, "No, but it should wipe that grin off your face."

[TWFanatic]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.? Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,

"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"



A very old woman was so depressed by her husbands death that she wanted to kill herself and go meet him in the afterlife. Just to be sure she would die quickly, she called her doctor to ask where the heart was. The nurse answered and said, "Just under the left breast."
So the very old woman was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound in the knee...



The boss of a small firm reluctantly told four of his employees: I'm going to have to let one of you go."
The black employee said: "I'm a protected minority."
The female employee said: "And I'm a woman."
The oldest employee said: " Fire me pal, and I'll hit you with and age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin!"
They all turned and looked at the young, white, male employee who thought for a moment before saying,
"I think I might be gay..."

[LeftEyeNine]

Revived for AntiWarman2938197229871.

:smoking:

[Strike For The South]

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"


-----

Signs you need to cut back

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?

9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

12. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

13. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

14. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

15. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

16. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

17. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.

18. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.

19. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

20. Roseanne looks good.

21. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

22. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.

23. Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

24."I'm as jober as a sudge."

25. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

---------------

[Yoyoma1910]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef


What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean meat.


What do you call a cow with 4 legs?

FDA approved.

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."


And to celebrate the end of Bush:

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"


~:)

[Europe]

Peter, a very spoiled child, walked into his class on the first day of school.

What!? Wooden tables and this is supposed to be first class!? :juggle2:

[Hooahguy]

what is missing from rap?

the "c" in front of it

:laugh4:

[Yoyoma1910]

:tomato:

[Mediolanicus]

An old guy is walking in the red lights district.
One of the girls calls him over.
The old man says : "I'm old and stopped working a long time ago, I just can't anymore."
The girl answers : "Sure you can, let's give it a try!"
The old man : "But I really can't do it anymore."

After some persuasion by the girl the old man eventually gives in and accepts her invitation.

More than an hour later they come back out on the street.
The girl speaks exhausted : "I thought you couldn't do it anymore? Then what was that!?"

The old man answers : "I'm telling you the truth, I really can't pay you anymore."

[Caius]

what is missing from rap?

the "c" in front of it

:laugh4:
lol @ rap.

[Paradox]

An old guy is walking in the red lights district.
One of the girls calls him over.
The old man says : "I'm old and stopped working a long time ago, I just can't anymore."
The girl answers : "Sure you can, let's give it a try!"
The old man : "But I really can't do it anymore."

After some persuasion by the girl the old man eventually gives in and accepts her invitation.

More than an hour later they come back out on the street.
The girl speaks exhausted : "I thought you couldn't do it anymore? Then what was that!?"

The old man answers : "I'm telling you the truth, I really can't pay you anymore."
:laugh4:

[LittleGrizzly]

What do women and clouds have in common ?

Eventually they :daisy: off and everyone has a nice day :laugh4:

[Cute Wolf]

A Test for In Laws

A Rich, old men had 3 son in laws from 3 of his daughters, but all of them are coming from lower class, and he suspect any of them are marrying his daughter just for money. To test their sincerity, he arranges a "test" to prove them.

He took his youngest in law with him on a trip with a motorboat, only two of them. When they are on the deep sea, he pretend to fall into the sea. That youngest son in law immediately shut the motorboat engine down and then jumps over the sea, saving his father in law. Next day, the youngest in law see a new BMW parked in front of his house with a letter: "From your father in law, thank you for saving me".

A week after, he took his first oldest in law with him on the very same trip, he also pretend to fall into the sea. This time, his eldest son in law immediately jumps into the sea while the motorboat is still running, and then he was carried to the beach, all by swimming. Impressed with that son in law's determination, next day he declares that man as his second in command in the family's business.

He then try the same procedure with his middle son in law, he pretend (again) to fall into the sea. But at this time, his son in laws didn't even look back at him, and let him drowned and died....

The next day, in front of that middle son in law's home the another two are coming...
What did they will said?



Thank you!!!!!! Very good idea!!!!!! :laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::smash:
, and here was your new position as the second in command, the eldest son in law receive the first in command position, while the youngest receive the third in command

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

:bump:

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"


He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.



A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."



George Washington, George Bush and Bill Clinton were on a sinking ship. George Washington shouted "Save the women", George Bush cowardly shouted "Screw the women". Bill Clinton then said to George Bush:


"Oooh, do we have time"



~:)

[Andres]

:laugh4:

I loved all three of them, the first in particular :2thumbsup:

[pevergreen]

A man is walking down a nice street, just taking a look at everyone as he goes.

He sees normal people, but outside a building, he sees a man holding a flag and a scimtar.

When he asks what the man is doing, he says:

Yallah! My Sultan wishes you dead!

[A Very Super Market]

.. I didn't get it...

Okay, rather off-color, but oh well.

Expletives bleeped, out if thats okay. I guess I'll put it in a massive spoiler.



It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775."
The teacher said. "Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "**** the Indians...."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up: "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared around and asked "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar answers,"'George H.W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells,"'Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're screwed!"
And Handrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."

[pevergreen]

Its a Medieval 2: Total War joke.

[Hooahguy]

:bump:

so there is a new head of advertising in Israel for a certain soft drink, newly arrived from the US. hes trying to think of a new advertising campaign. finally, he has a great idea.
there are 3 panels.
on the left panel, there is a guy on a beach who is dying of thirst. the middle one is the same guy drinking the soft drink. the right one is a picture of the guy running on the beach, energized from the drink.
the advertisement goes out for mass marketing.
soon, sales plummet in only one day. they are losing lots of money. his regional boss comes to him and says: "you idiot! Israelis read from right to left!"

[miotas]

Joke's are in the spoilers since they're quite long

enjoy

Nanna's letter:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a
thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought
the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the
nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window
and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving
and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been
a man from Florida back there , because I heard him yelling something about
a sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.

So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity : -
1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and
point Hair
Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down




2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.



3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want
Fries with That.



4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."



5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.



6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"



7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the
Prophecy."



8. Don't use any punctuation



9. as Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.



10. Order diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious
face.





11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go.





12. Sing Along At The Opera.





13. Go to a Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme





14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical
Sounds All day.



15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because" You're not in the Mood."



16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.



17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream"I Won! I Won!"



18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"



19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."



15 THINGS A MAN CAN DO AT K-MART WHILE HIS WIFE IS TAKING HER DAMNED SWEET
TIME:



01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they
aren't looking.



02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.



03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest-rooms.



04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in
Housewares" .. and see what happens!



05. G o to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.



06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department, and tell other shoppers you're
sleeping over. Invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding
Department.



08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't
you people just leave me alone?"



09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
nose.



10. While handling guns in the Sports Department, ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are.(i got this in an email that obviously originated in america)



11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from
"Mission Impossible."



12. In the Auto Section, practise your "Madonna look" using different sized
funnels.



13. Hide in a clothing rack . . and when people browse through, say, "PICK
ME!!! PICK ME!!!"



14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the foetal
position and scream, "NO...It's those voices again!!!"



And last but not least:



15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while . . . then yell
loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

[Hooahguy]

SO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i would +rep you if there was rep here...

[InsaneApache]

If you recieve an email from The Department of Health regarding swine flu stating that you should not eat tinned pork products, ignore it, its Spam.

[Fwapper]

Venison's dear, isn't it?

Yes it's supposed to be spelt like that, it's an integral part of the joke... honestly...

[InsaneApache]

Dr. Kornmehl was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.


Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference coincidently held in his home town.


He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.


As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.


The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall!


He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.


He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.


Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.


The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"


Dr. Kornmehl replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."


"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.


"Actually, I visited once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."


The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others.. I bet that's true of your incident too."


Dr. Kornmehl replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."


"Was it a long time ago?"


"Yes, many years."


The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Kornmehl fart?"

[Cute Wolf]

It wouldn't be remembered except he was farting soo loud that entire city hears it...

[A Very Super Market]

Well, animals don't talk, and there are plenty of jokes based on talking animals, aren't there?

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
From the movie Hollow Man:

Superman is flying over the city for leisure. Suddenly he notices that Wonder Girl is sunbathing fully naked atop a skyscraper's roof. He becomes horny and thinks to himself "what if I fly there, bang her and disappear with my super speed? Nobody would notice after all". And he does accordingly. Wonder Girl exclaims "what the hell was that?"

"I don't know, but my @ßh0£€ is killing me!" says The Invisible Man. :laugh4:
.

[Mouzafphaerre]

.
An oldie but goodie:

This knight, going on a crusade, gives his wife's chastity belt's key to his best pal. "Brother, I hope I shall return in glory but in case I can't, take care of her"

He rides away. After half an hour he notices a dust cloud rushing towards his caravan; apparently it's the best pal.

"Brother, brother! The key doesn't work!"
.

[InsaneApache]

A man went to his GP with a strawberry growing out of his head.

The doctor said: "I can give you some cream for that!"

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"

Have you seen my camouflage jacket?

[Fragony]

I do not, I repeat, do not post this because it reminds me of a certain backroom member



A Polish man was walking through the woods and finds a lamp. Having heard all these jokes, he recognized it for what it was and rubbed it. The genie popped out and told the Polish guy he could have 3 wishes.

"Fine," says the Polish man. "I want Genghis Khan to come ravage my country and destroy everything."

The genie gives him a weird look and asks, "Are you sure about that?", but the Polish man just nods. So the genie snaps his fingers, and Genghis Khan and the Mongol hordes come rushing into Poland, driving everything before them and destroying it. Once done, they head back east.

With the smoldering ruins of his country around him, the Polish man says, "Do it again." and sure enough, Genghis Khan and his hordes come rushing into Poland, killing and destroying everything in sight. As soon as they're done, they head back east.

Once again, in the ruins of his country, the Polish man says, "Do it again," and as wished, Genghis Khan and company destroy Poland for the third time.

So the years pass and finally the genie meets the Pole again and asks, "Why?"

The Polish man says, "They had to go through Russia six times to do it."

[miotas]

There was an inflatable boy who went to an inflatable school where all the students were inflatable, all the teachers were inflatable, and all the buildings were inflatable. One day he gets into trouble for bringing a pin to school, and the headmaster says `You've let me down, you've let yourself down, you've let the whole school down'

[Aemilius Paulus]

A Polish man was walking through the woods and finds a lamp. Having heard all these jokes, he recognized it for what it was and rubbed it. The genie popped out and told the Polish guy he could have 3 wishes.

"Fine," says the Polish man. "I want Genghis Khan to come ravage my country and destroy everything."

The genie gives him a weird look and asks, "Are you sure about that?", but the Polish man just nods. So the genie snaps his fingers, and Genghis Khan and the Mongol hordes come rushing into Poland, driving everything before them and destroying it. Once done, they head back east.

With the smoldering ruins of his country around him, the Polish man says, "Do it again." and sure enough, Genghis Khan and his hordes come rushing into Poland, killing and destroying everything in sight. As soon as they're done, they head back east.

Once again, in the ruins of his country, the Polish man says, "Do it again," and as wished, Genghis Khan and company destroy Poland for the third time.

So the years pass and finally the genie meets the Pole again and asks, "Why?"

The Polish man says, "They had to go through Russia six times to do it."
:laugh4::laugh4::laugh4::laugh4:
:laugh3::laugh3::laugh3::laugh3:
Brilliant: :balloon:

[Cute Wolf]

A joke about adultery... don't do that right after marriage... or while you are still in your groom suits
https://f.imagehost.org/0527/wedd8-2.jpg

[pevergreen]

Theres another picture like that, theres a guy, his girlfriend on his right, and her female friend on her right, hes holding his girlfriends hand, but behind her back, holding her friends hand.

:laugh4:

It got a bit of a laugh when we had to portray jealosy in drama, me I was the male, beefy played the friend, while a female classmate played my 'girlfriend' (which she was previously.. >_>), she discovered us, then me and Beefy ran off.

:grin2:

[miotas]

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In Some other countries they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally...........................

In Australia they hung up because they can't understand an Indian accent. :grin:

[rajpoot]

^^^

I got it all, save that last spoilered line....what does that mean? :inquisitive:

[miotas]

Well whenever we get a call from a telemarketer, or if we try to get some tech support, there is always an Indian taking the call, with a name like John, who is apparently from Sydney or Melbourne, and no-one can understand the accent.

[pevergreen]

Its quite hard, thats for sure. I was on the phone to microsoft Australia, and I could hear indian music in the background, as I spoke to a person with a heavy indian accent.

:laugh4:

[InsaneApache]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tripe out of the lawyer and says
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[Hooahguy]

:laugh4:
excellent joke IA!

[Cute Wolf]

[Inappropriate material deleted, Lemur]

Sadly our basileus romaioktonaios disn't know a good joke
This is a joke Maion :laugh:

Just like that....
https://i683.photobucket.com/albums/vv193/kotarominami/014_pics.jpg

or
https://i683.photobucket.com/albums/vv193/kotarominami/22.jpg

[chenkai11]

Theres another picture like that, theres a guy, his girlfriend on his right, and her female friend on her right, hes holding his girlfriends hand, but behind her back, holding her friends hand.:grin2:

Similar to this?

https://img32.imageshack.us/img32/5438/200803131515504843703.jpg (https://img32.imageshack.us/i/200803131515504843703.jpg/)

[Cute Wolf]

http://bul2dontcry.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/funny-pictures322.jpg

:laugh4:

[pevergreen]

Similar to this?

https://img32.imageshack.us/img32/5438/200803131515504843703.jpg (https://img32.imageshack.us/i/200803131515504843703.jpg/)

Yup, thats it. The version I saw had an extra bit at the bottom:

"OWNED"

[Cute Wolf]

A Really Stupid Driver.....

http://i30.tinypic.com/2qmf4o9.jpg

[InsaneApache]

According to recent research, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy....

[Mithrandir]

According to recent research, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy....

Awesome :laugh4:

the simple ones are usually the best...

[Mithrandir]

Cutewolf, where did you get the swimmingpool pic from? It's great!

[miotas]

If you say gullible really slowly it sounds like gummy bears.

[Motep]

:laugh4:

You got my brother to say that, its so great!

[Sasaki Kojiro]

According to recent research, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy....

I really like this one...

[Crazed Rabbit]

Masochist: Hurt me!
Sadist: No.

Space station of the future.
Pilot, "Tower, are you ready for me to dock? I have to warn you, my ship's a state of the art cruiser."
Tower, "Proceed to dock 2A"
Pilot, "Okay, proceeding. Be ready though, the engines are really strong. You might want to strap in up there. Alright, there we go."
*Ship docks*
Tower, "Is it docked yet?"

CR

[Cute Wolf]

This pics made me literally rolling on the floor when I first saw! :laugh4: But maybe that was a bit offensive.......

https://img38.imageshack.us/img38/2121/mesum.jpg

[KarlXII]

A bar in Ireland

A man is drinking one night when another man walks in and sits next to him.

The man says, "Hey there, where you from?"

The other says, "North side of Dublin"

The man is shocked, "Really!? I'm from the north side of Dublin! Where did you go to school?"

"Saint Mary's Catholic High" the other replies.

Shocked again, the man says "I went there too! Who did you have as a teacher?"

"Sister Margaret" the other replies.

The man is completely in awe, "Wow! Same!"

It was then another man walked in, and he started talking to the bartender. "So anything new around here?"

The bartender says, "Nah, the O'Malley Brothers over there are drunk again."

[Sarmatian]

Motto of the Serbian army: "The most important thing is not to win but to take part"

Motto of the Serbian police: "If you can't beat them, join them"

[Cute Wolf]

WTF
http://acidcow.com/pics/20090915/for_dogs_only_04.jpg

http://acidcow.com/pics/20090915/for_dogs_only_05.jpg

[pevergreen]

Ribbed for...his pleasure?

[miotas]

It's a bit old, and it's not really a joke, but it's good for a chuckle so I thought I'd post it, especially given how many non-native English speakers there are here.

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.
Well done! And now you wish perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead, it's said like bed, not bead-
for goodness' sake don't call it 'deed'!
Watch out for meat and great and threat
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth, or brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's doze and rose and lose-
Just look them up- and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart-
Come, I've hardly made a start!

A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd learned to speak it when I was five!
And yet to write it, the more I sigh,
I'll not learn how 'til the day I die.

[Paltmull]

"I'd like to make a complaint about this guitar I bought."

"What is wrong with it?"

"THERE'S A BIG HOLE IN IT!"

[Hooahguy]

whats worse than raining cats and dogs?
hailing taxis

[a completely inoffensive name]

My love life.

[Cute Wolf]

Don't let your friends snap a photo in your room when they face a mirror.......
[Inappropriate material deleted, Lemur]

I Interviewed some housefly today and I'm astonished seein they had a perfect life on their own...
https://img245.imageshack.us/img245/7620/d885edb05eb3a630b50b64f.jpg
https://img245.imageshack.us/img245/4282/a676e869e75071522a4f1d1.jpg
https://img522.imageshack.us/img522/6291/c4c2e3c48e7b267842b6d96.jpg
https://img522.imageshack.us/img522/2703/f01ce7c275405aecfd34f8e.jpg

EDIT : "Ehem" soory Lemur..... but it looks like you need some time to guess what is it didn't you? Just kidding, but I believe that these pics didn't contain "that spot", but soory.....

[Ibrahim]

some really creepy stuff about flies

What on Earth was that all about?

[Cute Wolf]

What on Earth was that all about?

Smack some flies and wondering, are there some funny stuff about them? and I made their pics. :laugh4:

[Hooahguy]

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a martini, and Descartes replies, "I think not." Then he disappears.

[Rahwana]

A little child is in his first time to brush his teeth by himself, but didn't want to brush his teeth, so his mother comes, and said... "Why you don't brush your teeth?"

He answered "No... Moomy must brush my teeth..."

"But as you grow.. you need to do something by yourself... and you couldn't be a good man if you don't brush your teeth by your own hands..."

"But moomy.. I often saw dad brush your teeth with his waist!" :laugh4:

[Cute Wolf]

http://charleschristian.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/to_do_before_die_3.jpg

What the?

[Cute Wolf]

https://i637.photobucket.com/albums/uu98/dennyherwani/pamela_anderson.jpg

[InsaneApache]

Dear Sir,

Over the past six months, you have been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban you from the store. Our complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screaming, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"


Sincerely,

Wal-Mart

[Cute Wolf]

Silly Facebook status and the comments (This was real!)

Original status (A) : THIS IS SPARTAAA!!! *throwing a romaioi dog into the pit*

Comment 1 (B) : THIS IS PELLA! "Antigonos Gonatas kicks a Romaios Angelos (αγγελος) into the well"

Comment 2 (C) : THIS IS QUEEEEBEC *throwing an englishman into the pit*

LOL :laugh4: you must imagine what kind of laugh I get from that... :grin:

[Cowhead418]

I'm against Picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

[Hax]

Smack some flies and wondering, are there some funny stuff about them? and I made their pics. https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/../images/smilies/gc/gc-laugh4.gif

That's disgusting.

[Cute Wolf]

That's disgusting.

no, swat em with electrical racket :grin:

[InsaneApache]

The Police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
The officer said, "Is this your wife, Sir?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes it is!"
He said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I replied, "I know, but she has a lovely personality!"

[Rhyfelwyr]

So a guy walks into a bar...

Ouch.

[Hax]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[Hooahguy]

A baby seal walks into a club.
I actually heard this one from a friend on Monday. I think I was the only one in the room to actually get the joke.
:wall:

[Andres]

The 0 said to the 8: "Isn't your belt too tight?"

Two submarines were sitting in a tree, playing a game of cards. An egg was walking by and the submarines asked if it wanted to join them in their game. "No," said the egg, "I don't have time. I need to go to the hairdresser."

What is green but larger than a pea? A soccer field.

It lives in the woods and is heavily armed. Rambi.

What's the difference between a yellow and a red wall?
They're both yellow, except the red one.

Two bears are walking on the street.
Says the one bear to the other: I want to walk in the middle.

What is the fastest: a train or a bus?
The skyscraper, because a cow gives milk.

[Moros]

Just how many children did you really make, Andres?

[Hooahguy]

The 0 said to the 8: "Isn't your belt too tight?"

Two submarines were sitting in a tree, playing a game of cards. An egg was walking by and the submarines asked if it wanted to join them in their game. "No," said the egg, "I don't have time. I need to go to the hairdresser."

What is green but larger than a pea? A soccer field.

It lives in the woods and is heavily armed. Rambi.

What's the difference between a yellow and a red wall?
They're both yellow, except the red one.

Two bears are walking on the street.
Says the one bear to the other: I want to walk in the middle.

What is the fastest: a train or a bus?
The skyscraper, because a cow gives milk.

I only got the first, third, fourth, and fifth.

[Rhyfelwyr]

Surrealist humour?

[Craterus]

Nope. Jokes for people with Alzheimer's.

[Megas Methuselah]

Lol, a good one. Some more!

[pevergreen]

You serious? A 6 and a half year bump?

[pevergreen]

so i said to this acrobat "do you have any winter pepper?" he said "no" so i said "what about summer salt?"
i sold my ships anchor today, the bloke said to me "heres fifty bucks, keep the chains"
my vicar dissapeared, i had to get in touch with, yes thats right, missing parsons
i remember the last thing my vicar said to me, he siad "never eat pro-biotic yoghurt." well what he actually said was "never dabble in the occult"
so i was reading a bible in a hotel and i started feeling dizzy. It was a gideon
so i went to the doctors and i said "people keep talking to me about cereal crops and its giving me a headache" he said "migraine?" i said "dont you start"
So i went to the sweet shop and i said "Do you do twix" and he said "i'm quite good at juggling"
This bloke said to me "I've got Bubonic plague!" I said, "Don't give me that"
he said "I dont like interpreters" I said "speak for yourself"
You know, I love reading. At the moment i'm reading my life by Bill Clinton. Which freaked me out, because I didn't know he knew anything about my life.
A man asked me, "can you tell me what you call a person that comes from Corsica?" I said, "Course I can!"
so i went to the watch shop and i said "i want to buy a watch" he said "analogue?" i said "no just the watch"

[Megas Methuselah]

You serious? A 6 and a half year bump?

Says the guy who sigged that awesome backroom joke from KukriKhan and the Vietnamese villages.

[pevergreen]

How is that related. Especially since that post was made on 25/05/10.

[stratigos vasilios]

Not sure if this is appropriate or not but...

A Polish man goes in to get his eyes checked. The optometrist tells him to read out the letters on the board C Z Y X Z D. The optometrist asks the man if he is able to read it, ''read it?'' he replies, "I know that guy!".

[Rhyfelwyr]

Shouldn't this be merged with the other jokes thread?

[Husar]

Hmm, Kaiser of Arabia, where hath he gone?
I almost thought he was back, then checked the post date...

[Rhyfelwyr]

Shouldn't this be merged with the other jokes thread?

I feel as though I have changed the world!

[Megas Methuselah]

Hmm, Kaiser of Arabia, where hath he gone?
I almost thought he was back, then checked the post date...

Lol, I'm a good one, aren't I? Fooling germans at every moment.

[Husar]

Lol, I'm a good one, aren't I? Fooling germans at every moment.

You're only a good one if you can get him (and a lot of others) to post again. ~;)

[Megas Methuselah]

You're only a good one if you can get him (and a lot of others) to post again. ~;)

I am, therefore, the lowliest of the low. :sad:

[InsaneApache]

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy ReaganMy family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

:laugh4:

[Hooahguy]

A vulture walks onto an airplane with two animals under his wings. The flight attendant politely said, "Im sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

[InsaneApache]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"







The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[LeftEyeNine]

Wow, Kaiser of Arabia, is he even alive, I wonder.

[gaelic cowboy]

Two fellas john and mick go moose hunting in the wilds and bag six big ones.

The plane arrives and the pilot refuses to take more than two.

The two hunters are annoyed and relate to the pilot how last year the pilot took six onboard no problem.

The take off and about an hour in they crash into a mountain.

One hunter turns to the other "where are we mick", the other hunter replies "I dunno john I think were close to where we crashed last year".

[InsaneApache]

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my :daisy: fault.'

[InsaneApache]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said they were testing a new machine which would transfer some of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were interested. Both said yes. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to start with, explaining that even that level was probably more than the father had ever experienced. But as the labour progressed the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to crank it up a notch. So the doctor adjusted the pain transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling fine. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel OK. Since the pain transfer was helping his wife considerably the hubby told the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. His wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. On arriving home they found the milkman dead on the doorstep….

[Major Robert Dump]

MY EX WIFE WALKS INTO A BAR. SHE IS KOREAN/JEWISH. AND A SLUT.

SHE YELLS TO EVERYONE IN THE BAR "I WILL HAVE SEX WITH EVERY MAN IN HERE IF SOMEONE CAN GUESS MY RACE"

A DRUNK GUYS SAYS "ARE YOU BLACK?"

AND SHE SAYS "CLOSE ENOUGH"

[InsaneApache]

I always come up with my best ideas in the theater corridor, I call it “thinking outside of the box".

[Cute Wolf]

MY EX WIFE WALKS INTO A BAR. SHE IS KOREAN/JEWISH. AND A SLUT.

SHE YELLS TO EVERYONE IN THE BAR "I WILL HAVE SEX WITH EVERY MAN IN HERE IF SOMEONE CAN GUESS MY RACE"

A DRUNK GUYS SAYS "ARE YOU BLACK?"

AND SHE SAYS "CLOSE ENOUGH"

pics or it didn't happen :grin: :clown:

[InsaneApache]

My girlfriend just asked me to do her hair for a reggae night.

I'm dreading it.

[johnhughthom]

I have heard this joke a couple of times and each time the audience has found it uproariously funny:

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"

PAUL MERTON

My first thought the first time I heard it was, they have a passenger list, so they match the dental records of passengers against the remains, what's so funny? Is it a sense of humour fail on my part?

[Monk]

My girlfriend just asked me to do her hair for a reggae night.

I'm dreading it.

https://i.imgur.com/8CvXN.gif

[InsaneApache]

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a want ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed. All applicants must apply in person."

On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you. You have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"

She snorted, "You have no arms either!"

Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you."

The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.

"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.

The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Veho Nex]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said they were testing a new machine which would transfer some of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were interested. Both said yes. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% to start with, explaining that even that level was probably more than the father had ever experienced. But as the labour progressed the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to crank it up a notch. So the doctor adjusted the pain transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling fine. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel OK. Since the pain transfer was helping his wife considerably the hubby told the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. His wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. On arriving home they found the milkman dead on the doorstep….

I like that one

[InsaneApache]

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

[Kralizec]

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

~;)

[InsaneApache]

And that's when the fight started....

The year before last I bought the mother in law a plot at the cemetary for Christmas. Last year I didn't get her anything. When she asked why I told her that she hadn't used the gift I bought last year.
And that's how the fight started.

--------------------------------

We were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept looking at this guy getting drunk on his own at a nearby table. I asked if she knew him, "Yes," she said. "He's an ex-boyfriend. I heard he started drinking after we split up all those years ago and he hasn't been sober since."
"My God," I said. "That's a hell of a long time to go on celebrating."
And that's when the fight started.

--------------------------------

We were in bed watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, and I turned to her and askd "Do you want sex?"
"No," she said.
"Is that your final answer?" I asked.
She didn't even bother looking and just went, "Yes."
So I said, "Can I phone a friend?"
And that's how the fight started.

--------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started.

--------------------------------

My wife was hitting about what she wanted for our anniversary. She said she wanted something shiny that went from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds, so I bought her bathroom scales.
And then the fight started.

--------------------------------

When I got home the other night my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive, so we got in the car and I took her to the gas station.
And that's when the fight started.

[InsaneApache]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida,
finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him
to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this,
the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits
on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and
walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him.
She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has
never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam
sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit,
drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams,
"NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all
her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself
for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could
possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made
her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a
lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is
available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then
she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in
Euros?"

[Shaka_Khan]

Why is 10 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.

[Oaty]

A horse walks into a bar
The bartender asks why the long face
After a long pause ....
the horse says the sign at the door said no horseplay

[a completely inoffensive name]

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar
The bartender asks why the long face
After a long pause ....
Sarah Jessica Parker says the sign at the door said no horseplay

FTFY

[InsaneApache]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied,'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

[a completely inoffensive name]

A horse walks into a club.

As expected, the bright lights and loud music agitate the horse and it had to be taken outside.

[InsaneApache]

"Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German" she replies.
“Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days"........."

[The Wizard]

Don't know if this has been posted here yet, but:

What is "The Hunger Games" called in France?

Battle Royale With Cheese

[InsaneApache]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, ‘What’s going on?’

‘Terrorists down the road have hijacked a coach containing the Prime Minister David Cameron and his top aides Nick Clegg, George Osborne and Theresa May. They’re asking for a £10 million ransom. Otherwise they’re going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.

‘The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving, on average?

‘Well, most people are giving about a gallon.’

[InsaneApache]

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

[rajpoot]

Excellent one liners :yes:

[a completely inoffensive name]

Ron Paul.

[InsaneApache]

It was a Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way Princess Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from a well-known Scottish newspaper who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said:

'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now –
'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.
The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now –
'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London .'

The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now –
'English ******* Strangles Family Pet'.

[InsaneApache]

The CSIR has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 35 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.

[InsaneApache]

A male patient is lying in a hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir – I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them Sir. They look fine.” The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are – my – test – results – back?”

[Ibrahim]

tough thread: most of the jokes I know only make sense in Arabic. but here are a few that I think will get survive translation intact:

why did a hamburger, a french fry, and a Pepsi, run down the street?

they were a fast meal! (lame, I know)


a khaleeli* fell from the roof of a building, and so the people who saw this gathered round where he fell. when he got up, they asked him "what happened?", to which he said: "I don't know--I just got here!"

another khaleeli fell from a bus, but was unscathed. his dad was told about it, but before being told the son was unharmed was given this reply: "OK: what about the road--is it damaged?"

a khaleeli was walking down the street. a police wagon came by to pick him up for questioning. when it pulled over, the khaleeli saw this, and said to the police: "thanks guys! but my house is just ahead!"

a short man married a short woman: they left behind a son whom they had to hang on his medal.

Once Juha was found in the desert, digging a hole in the ground. There were several other holes nearby, all dug by him. The man who found him asked: "why are you digging all these holes?". Juha replied: "I'm looking for a chest of gold I buried". the man asks: "didn't you mark the site?", to which Juha replied: "yes, I did: a cloud that was directly above the site, but for some reason, I can't find it!"

one day, juha was invited to make a khutba to a congregation. He rose to the minbar, and asked: "do you know what I am going to say?". the audience unanimously said: "no". At this, he said: "I do not want to speak to people who don't know what I'll be talking about!", and left. puzzled at this, the congregation agreed to say "yes" next time. So when Nasreddin came to do another khutba, and asked the same question, they all replied: "yes!". At this, Nasreddin replied: "then you don't need me to tell you!", and promptly left. at this, the people discussed how to get him to make a full khutba, and agreed to execute the plan next time. certainly enough, Nasruddin came to deliver one more khutba, and asked the same question. At this, half the congregation said "yes", the other half, said "no". At this, Nasreddin casually replied: "very well: the half who know, go tell the half who don't", and promptly left.

*a man from here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hebron): it's where my dad's side happens to be from. funny jokes are funny jokes though

[InsaneApache]

“You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!” The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,

“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m Sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

[InsaneApache]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!' he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out 'Oh my God!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Why do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

[Hooahguy]

What is Harry Potters favorite method of getting down a hill?
Walking.
JK, rolling.

[PROVOST]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in” says the man.

“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ”Now it's time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don't understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted.”

[Vuk]

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

[Hooahguy]

What do you call the science of deli?

Pastranomy.

[PROVOST]

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

[PROVOST]

A retired guy sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.

The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says; “sure why not. Show me to the vacuum.

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum working, I thought you were using it”?

Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”. “Really”, she says, “show me - it worked fine the last time”. So he did (click here)


https://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4

[Crandar]

1.

-What's the difference between a pear, a sofa and a giraffe?
-None of them can drive a lorry.
Ahahaha!

2.

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off from a cliff.
Ba-dum-tsss!

Oh, god, I'm killing myself.

[Montmorency]

Funniest religious joke of all time (https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion)? Irish jokes have a strong challenger.


Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

[sersivid]

My friend said that I thought it was pretty funny