JOKES'R'US

[zelda12]

Right Dudes,

Heres the deal, post your joke and we can tell which is the best one at the end of each week every week starting from today we total up the lol for each joke and declare the winner. Each joke can be given a number in order and people put the number in front of their lol or rotflol or lmao by the way these do not corespond different marks.
Oh and by the way no rascist jokes, any rascist ones will be deleted and it will just muck the whole thing up.

So come one come all and entertain us. https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif

[solypsist]

wow, a REQ post but no contribution by the thread starter.
this thread is off to a spectacular start.

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

Quote[/b] (solypsist @ July 19 2004,01:17)]wow, a REQ post but no contribution by the thread starter.
this thread is off to a spectacular start.
pWn3d11

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
Warning: Adult Content https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Spoiler Alert! Highlight to read. There are these two workmates, one a bit over his fourtees and getting laid with any female he wants, while the other a tad below his thirtees but comitted to his dreams...

Now, at this point, some brief info about our "Isles" to the south of Istanbul is necessary. There are plenty of them... Ferries regularly transport passangers whole day from the morning to midnight. They have a certain route ending in Heybeliada, passing Büyükada before that...

Well, our young playboy wannabe one day asks his experienced and efficient mate for some advice, if you know what I mean. After some persistence, he agrees to teach him a small trick:

"Look; every night, some people miss the last ferry and can't go to the Isles until next morning. Sometimes they miss it by design. In any case, many wives will have to pass the night alone. Some of them would be waiting for their hubbies at the docks desperately.

"Get on the last ferry and go to Büyükada. Pick one of the young and upset wives. If one fails, another will work."

Our guy thanks and gets on the last ferry as he had been told, but falls asleep and misses Büyükada. "Doesn't matter" thinks to himself, "Büyükada or Heybeli. After all, there would be desperate and upset wives in Heybeli too" and gets off at the last port of call.

There are really desperately waiting young wives, upset with the last ferry not returning their hubbies. The guy picks up one and everything goes smoothly.

The next morning, the door of the bedroom is opened with a kick. A man, a tad above his fourtees, roars pointing at the wife:

"You btch One night I'm out and you're getting laid with strangers" and then turns at the young guy, "and you bastard You were told to go to Büyükada; what the hell are you doing in Heybeli?"[/QUOTE]
_

[TheSilverKnight]

Quote[/b] (Mouzafphaerre @ July 18 2004,20:40)]-
Warning: Adult Content https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Spoiler Alert! Highlight to read. There are these two workmates, one a bit over his fourtees and getting laid with any female he wants, while the other a tad below his thirtees but comitted to his dreams...

Now, at this point, some brief info about our "Isles" to the south of Istanbul is necessary. There are plenty of them... Ferries regularly transport passangers whole day from the morning to midnight. They have a certain route ending in Heybeliada, passing Büyükada before that...

Well, our young playboy wannabe one day asks his experienced and efficient mate for some advice, if you know what I mean. After some persistence, he agrees to teach him a small trick:

"Look; every night, some people miss the last ferry and can't go to the Isles until next morning. Sometimes they miss it by design. In any case, many wives will have to pass the night alone. Some of them would be waiting for their hubbies at the docks desperately.

"Get on the last ferry and go to Büyükada. Pick one of the young and upset wives. If one fails, another will work."

Our guy thanks and gets on the last ferry as he had been told, but falls asleep and misses Büyükada. "Doesn't matter" thinks to himself, "Büyükada or Heybeli. After all, there would be desperate and upset wives in Heybeli too" and gets off at the last port of call.

There are really desperately waiting young wives, upset with the last ferry not returning their hubbies. The guy picks up one and everything goes smoothly.

The next morning, the door of the bedroom is opened with a kick. A man, a tad above his fourtees, roars pointing at the wife:

"You btch One night I'm out and you're getting laid with strangers" and then turns at the young guy, "and you bastard You were told to go to Büyükada; what the hell are you doing in Heybeli?"
_[/QUOTE]
LMAO That's a good one https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[English assassin]

This is only going to make sense in the UK sorry:


David Beckham is the guest speaker at a management seminar. He steps up to the podium and begins his speech.

They're small and minty and keep my breath fresh for up to two hours, and to Victoria's delight they're only two calories.

The audience looks stunned, when a small voice from the side of the podium whispers:-

No David, you're here to talk about tactics.

[Fragony]

mild political content, I have no idea how to cover it up



I was walking into a bar, and I see Bush and Blair discussing stuff. Always in for a conversation, so I ask what they are doing. 'Well', Blair replies, 'we are planning world war 3'. Ah nice, someone has to do it no? But how are you going to start it? 'Well' Bush replies, 'we are going to kill 15.000.000 arabs and 1 blond chick with big boobs'. But why a blond one with big boobs??? Bush eyes Blair 'see I told you nobody would ask about the arabs'

[zelda12]

wow, a REQ post but no contribution by the thread starter.
this thread is off to a spectacular start.
Solypist.

Sorry about that it's just I wanted funny people to do it, but heres my go its orientated around refs and football.

My mate is a referee for the F.A (the people who regulate the football, soccer, in the UK). A common insult he heres is, the referees a wanker. At one match he got a little sick of it so he shouted back into the crowd. I get paid for it, whats your excuse.

OK theres my joke.

By the way don't bother doing the voting thing, just post the joke and laugh at the ones posted.

[JAG]

Quote[/b] (English assassin @ July 19 2004,14:38)]This is only going to make sense in the UK sorry:


David Beckham is the guest speaker at a management seminar. He steps up to the podium and begins his speech.

They're small and minty and keep my breath fresh for up to two hours, and to Victoria's delight they're only two calories.

The audience looks stunned, when a small voice from the side of the podium whispers:-

No David, you're here to talk about tactics.
https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/bigthumb.gif Great. There are many, many beckham jokes, but that is up there with the best, made me really laugh.

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
Another one:

Spoiler Alert! Highlight to read. There's this guy suffering from bad, bad headaches. He visits a doc and is told that the only cure of his aches was getting his member cut off. He refuses and visits another one...

After the third doctor telling the same thing, our guy, no more standing the pain of the headache, agrees to wave goodbye to his lesser one.

Months pass and the guy decides to get a suit made for him. He buys the finest clothes and goes to the tailor. After making the measurements, the tailor asks:

"To which side do you lay your, err, member sir?"

At first our guy tries to evade but when the tailor insists, asks back:

"Why do you need to know?"

"Because sir" the tailor replies, "if you lay it to the wrong side, you will suffer from bad, bad headaches"[/QUOTE]
_

[BDC]

The first one was funny, second one was a bit disconcerting...

Bush and Blair one was good too. https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/bigthumb.gif

[Crazed Rabbit]

Here's a radio transcript between some Canadians and Americans off the Canadian coast:

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, DIVERT YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...that's one-five-degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.


Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
Here's another:

Why are battles always called massacares when the French are involved?

Crazed Rabbit

[RisingSun]

Because it sounds like mass scare? https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/tongue.gif

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
Plenty of musician (and other) jokes here:
NWC Scriptorium - Gems from the Newsgroup (http://www.vpmag.com/nwc/newsgems.html)

C'mon mates Don't let this thread die. https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/mecry.gif
_

[Big King Sanctaphrax]

Can't get enough of those drummer jokes


I also like,

How many jazz guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
100. 1 to change it & 99 to complain that it's electric.

https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif

[BDC]

Here's an authentic Albanian joke apparently:

Three men are in a plane. One is French, one American and one Albanian. The Frenchman sticks his arm out, and goes We are in France, I just felt thee Eifel Tower go past but then the American goes No no, we are in America, I just felt the Statue of Liberty go underneath. Finally the Albanian sticks his hand out and goes No we are definately in Albania. Someone just stole my watch.

This is from a country which managed to completely bankrupt itself with a huge pyramid scheme that even the government got dragged into of course. https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/rolleyes.gif

[English assassin]

Sorry about this one:

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, You look great He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, No really, you look terrific. The guy looks around again.
Nobody. He hears, Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

Hey, the guy calls to the barman, What's with the
nuts?

Oh, the barman answers, They're complimentary

[Fragony]

What makes love like a god and speaks one word french?





moi https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[InsaneApache]

>Up-dated Abbott & Costello routine............
>
>Lou Costello is Trying to Buy a Computer from Bud Abbott
>
>ABBOTT (behind the counter at: Super Duper computer store): Can I help you?
>
>COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about
>buying a computer.
>
>ABBOTT: Mac?
>
>COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
>
>ABBOTT: Your computer?
>
>COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>
>ABBOTT: Mac?
>
>COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
>
>ABBOTT: What about Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
>
>ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
>
>ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
>
>COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
>
>ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: No. On the computer I need something I can use to write
>proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
>
>ABBOTT: Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
>
>ABBOTT: I just did.
>
>COSTELLO: You just did what?
>
>ABBOTT: Recommend something.
>
>COSTELLO: You recommended something?
>
>ABBOTT: Yes.
>
>COSTELLO: For my office?
>
>ABBOTT: Yes.
>
>COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>
>ABBOTT: Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Yes, for my office
>
>ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows OK, lets just say,
>I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type my proposal. What do I need?
>
>ABBOTT: Word.
>
>COSTELLO: What word?
>
>ABBOTT: Word in Office.
>
>COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
>
>ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
>
>ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
>
>COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue W if you don't start with some
>straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
>
>ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
>
>COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
>business. Just tell me what I need
>
>ABBOTT: Real One.
>
>COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch
>them?
>
>ABBOTT: Of course.
>
>COSTELLO: Great, with what?
>
>ABBOTT: Real One.
>
>COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
>
>ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
>
>COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
>
>ABBOTT: The blue 1.
>
>COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
>
>ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
>
>COSTELLO: What word?
>
>ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows
>
>ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
>
>COSTELLO: It is?
>
>ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
>much wiped out all the other Words out there.
>
>COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
>
>ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
>Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Stop Don't start that again. What about financial
>bookkeeping, you have anything I can track my money with?
>
>ABBOTT: Money.
>
>COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
>
>ABBOTT: Money.
>
>COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>
>ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
>
>COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
>
>ABBOTT: Money.
>
>COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
>
>ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
>
>COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
>
>ABBOTT: One copy.
>
>COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>
>ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>
>COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
>
>ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT
>
>COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
>
>ABBOTT: Just click on START.........

https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-toff.gif

[Fragony]

Quote[/b] (InsaneApache @ July 27 2004,11:13)]>Up-dated Abbott & Costello routine............
>
>Lou Costello is Trying to Buy a Computer from Bud Abbott
>
>ABBOTT (behind the counter at: Super Duper computer store): Can I help you?
>
>COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about
>buying a computer.
>
>ABBOTT: Mac?
>
>COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
>
>ABBOTT: Your computer?
>
>COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>
>ABBOTT: Mac?
>
>COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
>
>ABBOTT: What about Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
>
>ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
>
>ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
>
>COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
>
>ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: No. On the computer I need something I can use to write
>proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
>
>ABBOTT: Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
>
>ABBOTT: I just did.
>
>COSTELLO: You just did what?
>
>ABBOTT: Recommend something.
>
>COSTELLO: You recommended something?
>
>ABBOTT: Yes.
>
>COSTELLO: For my office?
>
>ABBOTT: Yes.
>
>COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>
>ABBOTT: Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Yes, for my office
>
>ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows OK, lets just say,
>I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type my proposal. What do I need?
>
>ABBOTT: Word.
>
>COSTELLO: What word?
>
>ABBOTT: Word in Office.
>
>COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
>
>ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
>
>ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
>
>COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue W if you don't start with some
>straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
>
>ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
>
>COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
>business. Just tell me what I need
>
>ABBOTT: Real One.
>
>COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch
>them?
>
>ABBOTT: Of course.
>
>COSTELLO: Great, with what?
>
>ABBOTT: Real One.
>
>COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
>
>ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
>
>COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
>
>ABBOTT: The blue 1.
>
>COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
>
>ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
>
>COSTELLO: What word?
>
>ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows
>
>ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
>
>COSTELLO: It is?
>
>ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
>much wiped out all the other Words out there.
>
>COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
>
>ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
>Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Stop Don't start that again. What about financial
>bookkeeping, you have anything I can track my money with?
>
>ABBOTT: Money.
>
>COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
>
>ABBOTT: Money.
>
>COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>
>ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
>
>COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
>
>ABBOTT: Money.
>
>COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
>
>ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
>
>COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
>
>ABBOTT: One copy.
>
>COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>
>ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>
>COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
>
>ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT
>
>COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
>
>ABBOTT: Just click on START.........

https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-toff.gif
https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif

[Earl of Sandwich]

A kid is having a lot of trouble in math. His parents are frustrated, as they have tried tutors, they've tried threatening to take away his privileges, and they've tried tempting him with rewards, but all to no avail. Finally, they decide that maybe Catholic school will straighten him out. So they send the kid to the neighborhood parochial school. The first day in this new school, the minute he comes home, he goes up to his room and goes straight to his homework, only taking a break for dinner. This goes on for a month, and then the report cards come in. He has an A+ in math now. His parents, clearly impressed, ask their son, Wow, you sure improved in math. What was it about the school that helped you? Was it the uniforms? Was it the nuns? Was it the discipline? To which the child responds, No, no, it wasn't that. It was just that, well, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't #$%^ing around

[The Blind King of Bohemia]

....as the jewish paedophile said to a child Hey go easy on those sweets son

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
ROTFLMAO InsaneApache https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif
_

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
ROTFLMAO Earl of Sandwich https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/gc-jester.gif
_

[Sasaki Kojiro]

Heisenburg and Schrodinger were driving along in their car. They are so involved in there conversation that Schrodinger who is driving does not see the cat in the road and runs over it.

Heisenburg says: you ran over a cat

Schrodinger: Is it dead?

Heisenburg, chuckling: heh, heh, get this: I can't be certain.




******************

Two fish in a tank. The first one says to the second one: Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?

******************

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened.
On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked.

“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered.

Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.

“Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”

[Mouzafphaerre]

-
LOL https://forums.totalwar.org/forum/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
_