CEWest
02-23-2002, 15:41
I've noticed recently talk about going to live in Japan. To dispell the mystery from the subject, and to clear things up for those who haven't been in the trenches like I have, I have composed the following essay to help spread knowledge. You can take it as you will. I've been there in the trenches, with the corpses of those failing to learn Japanese falling like sheep to the slaughter all around me. In war, one always wonders why they were spared. Luck? Skill? Why am I still here when so many others more deserving of life than me are dead? There is no way to know, no easy answers. Only know this, what is contained in the following essay may just save your ass one day.
From firsthand experience as well as observation of other foreigners in Japan, I can tell you with fair accuracy that a little less than 30% of the english speaking students that go to Japan for a year actually learn the language to a passable level. That means that almost 7 out of 10 aren't going to make it. There are a few major reasons:
1)No true interest in the language, just there to pick up chicks and have fun. Heck, who can blame 'em?
2)No real ability. Learning a language actually requires ability and drive, japanese more than any other language. One without the other isn't enough.
3)Laziness. In most, if not all, Japanese schools that have foreign students (i.e. americans, etc.) there is also an english course for japanese students. Japanese students WILL do thier damnest to speak to you in english, and very likely the only friends you will make in the first 2-3 months are ones who speak some english. This is a pitfall that I fell into at first until I was burned with a very bad experience, and then devoted all my blood, sweat, and tears in a blood oath to prove them all wrong, that not all foreigners are stupid lazy morons who can't learn thier 'complicated and special' language. You need to WANT it like a boxer wants the heavyweight title, because the japanese will do all they can to keep you from learning it. People's reactions will range from ignoring you to insulting you, and yes, "Nihongo ga jouzu desu ne" IS an insult. The better your japanese gets, the less you hear it.
4)Lack of knowing HOW to learn. Sort of goes hand in hand with ability. Pronunciation IS important. anyone who says that it is more important to be able to get your point across than to have correct grammar and pronunciation is WRONG. The order is this: Pronunciation, Grammar, fluency. If you learn to speak with bad grammar or an accent, you are pretty much screwed. Time and effort is important. If you aren't willing to put in both, you are lazy (see #3)
5)Mixing English with pleasure. If you must get a Japanese girlfriend (and you must) DON'T get one because she can speak english UNLESS she is very intellegent and intellectual - very few and far between - most intellectual women in japan dont speak English, and stay away from foreigners for the most part because they perceive them as playboys in japan simply to party and get some (and they are usually right). The reason I say unless she is an intellectual is because if she speaks english it will get g*ddamn old after a very short while once your japanese surpasses her english, but if she is an intellectual you can at the very least have a stimulating conversation with her about how poor your japanese is and how everyone always wants to speak english to you. If you end up with one of those english speaking girlfriends (or "Eigo Bandits" in the lingo) She will bleed english from you like a leech, taking away your ability to learn the language, while she shows you off to all her friends as her pet gaijin. If you are determined to learn the language and get a girlfriend, it is okay to start out with afformentioned "eigo bandit" as it is cheap and easy @$$, but you must do so with the realization that her usefulness has its limits, and it is usually a purely physical one. All is fair in love, war, and learning japanese in japan.
Secrets to learning japanese in japan:
1)DON'T fall into the habit of speaking english when you don't know the word, and for Chr*st's sake Please don't ask directions from people on the street in English! If you speak english whenever you don't know how to say something, you aren't going to learn a damn thing. Don't ask directions to people on the street in english because that p*sses me off because then I have to deal with them blathering about how they don't speak english when I ask them directions straight out in fluent Japanese.
2)Maintain an "us against them" attitude. The quest for Japanese language fluency is a war. It is a series of battles. Any one battle lost can cost you the war. You go in, and you take no prisoners. Use the eigo bandits to get your foot in the door, and then toss them aside after they have fulfilled thier usefulness. That is what they are doing to you. They are stealing your english so they can pick up more Americans later on, after you go back home, because to ALL japanese, you will eventually leave THIER country. Use everyone like a pawn in your quest. Your purpose is to learn the language. In war, there are casualties. Better them than you. The best way to maintain the "us against them" attitude is to learn the language of the oppressed. A common jargon breeds solidarity. Here are some Gaibonics phrases that you will need to know:
FIELD NIGGER: Any non-Japanese non-English teacher (In other words, YOU).
HOUSE NIGGER: English teacher, or one who has sold out to the japanese.
SHIGOTO: Girlfriend
'BAITO: mistress / 2nd girlfriend
TRIFFID/TRIBBLE: The first highschool aged girl in a sailor suit on her bicycle. They quickly multiply.
KOUKOU BEWARE: A term of solidarity, with the rough meaning of "I'm gonna go out and get me some @$$." (from the term 'joushikoukousei')
NEW NIGGER SYNDROME: The scientific term for the psychological effect a 'new' gaijin has on the girls who had been previously hanging out with another gaijin. (i.e. the novelty on the old gaijin wears off, and they flock to the new one.)
DONUT RUN: a trip to the dumpster behind Mr. Donuts at 3AM to pick up the previous day's stash, from which soon evolved such sayings as "do niggers steal donuts?" (Does a bear shit in the woods?)
EIGO BANDIT: Any Japanese female who wants a white/black english speaker for a boyfriend for the sole and expressed purpose of practicing english.
GHETTO MART: The local cheap ass "100 yen shop"
NIGGER BREAD: The bag full of bread heels. bread in Japan is sold without the heels. The heels are gathered together and sold real cheap in a big bag. Of course no one but a foreigner would actually EAT them...
JINGLISH: The messed up english that people will try to use on you, or the messed up english signs that are rampant across the country (Pizza Deriberly, Pankake Houwse, The My House, etc.)
THE WORLD: Your country of origin. (as in "I wonder how things are back in the world?")
3)DON'T be afraid to be rude. You don't hesitate to tell homeless scum to take a hike when they ask you for money, and you have no qualms about telling the flower-giving hari krishna's on your corner to go to hell, so why be nice to some japanese guy who comes up to you out of nowhere to speak poor-ass broken english to you at the local supermarket. These people are intruding on you. and every time you allow them to do so you encourage them to do it TO ME, and I don't like it.
4)Be a smartass. Hand in hand with #3. If someone refuses to reply to your Japanese and just makes handsignals at you, tell them you don't understand signlanguage, but you'd like to accomplish whatever task it is you are trying to do, so please hurry up and tell me what I need to know. If they jibber at you that they don't speak english while you are talking japanese at thier face, tell them to use a bigger earwax pick next time because you are talking to them in japanese, and give me the damn info i'm looking for!
5)DON'T rely on classes to learn japanese. If you are going to school in japan, don't rely on the classes to learn. Get the heck out to the bars, to the beer-busts, the parties, the karaoke gatherings, and TALK TO PEOPLE.
6)Take advantage of the stupidity of others. Go to those shady Izakaya bars, plant yourself at the bar, and get to know the bartender. People at bars love to drink. People who drink love to talk. People who drink and love to talk will love even more to talk to the gaijin at the bar. Japanese people who talk to you will buy you food. They will buy you beer. and they will talk to you. most patrons of these places are blue collar workers. In my experience housepainters, truck drivers, police officers, or fishermen. none of which speak english or have any interest in learning it. when they find out you can speak japanese they'll chat away with you. the conversation could get pretty inane, but that's okay considering all the free food you'll get out of it, as well as the japanese practice. free food means less money you have to spend, which means you won't have to be an english teacher:
7)DON'T TEACH ENGLISH. This is the most important, because all the pitfalls above are multiplied by about 1000X for the english teacher. The english teacher is the lap dog of the japanese. He will sit, stay and rollover for the japanese. His entire purpose of existing is to blanket the people around him with english. I've only seen it from the outside, the way most of us only see cocaine addiction from the outside. All i know for sure is, IT'S BAD. DON'T DO IT. Nobody says "I want to be a drugee when I grow up" Sell your soul to satan before you become an english teacher, because all you will do is propogate the myth of the stupid pathetic foreigner who has lived in Japan eight year and can still only say "waTAshi wa aMERika jin deSUUU". If you ever see one of your allies agreeing when someone tells him that his Nihongo is Jouzu, or that he is special because he can use chopsticks, or speaks english because people ask him to, put him out of his misery IMMEDIATELY. He has already fallen in battle, just not realized it yet.
Now, with that said, there is one great thing you men will all be able to say when you go home. You may thank God for it. Thank God, that at least, thirty years from now, when you are sitting around the fireside with your grandson on your knees, and he asks you what you did in the great war, you won't have to cough and say, "I shoveled shit in Louisiana."
Alright now, you sons of bitches, you know how I feel. I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere. That's all.
[This message has been edited by CEWest (edited 02-23-2002).]
From firsthand experience as well as observation of other foreigners in Japan, I can tell you with fair accuracy that a little less than 30% of the english speaking students that go to Japan for a year actually learn the language to a passable level. That means that almost 7 out of 10 aren't going to make it. There are a few major reasons:
1)No true interest in the language, just there to pick up chicks and have fun. Heck, who can blame 'em?
2)No real ability. Learning a language actually requires ability and drive, japanese more than any other language. One without the other isn't enough.
3)Laziness. In most, if not all, Japanese schools that have foreign students (i.e. americans, etc.) there is also an english course for japanese students. Japanese students WILL do thier damnest to speak to you in english, and very likely the only friends you will make in the first 2-3 months are ones who speak some english. This is a pitfall that I fell into at first until I was burned with a very bad experience, and then devoted all my blood, sweat, and tears in a blood oath to prove them all wrong, that not all foreigners are stupid lazy morons who can't learn thier 'complicated and special' language. You need to WANT it like a boxer wants the heavyweight title, because the japanese will do all they can to keep you from learning it. People's reactions will range from ignoring you to insulting you, and yes, "Nihongo ga jouzu desu ne" IS an insult. The better your japanese gets, the less you hear it.
4)Lack of knowing HOW to learn. Sort of goes hand in hand with ability. Pronunciation IS important. anyone who says that it is more important to be able to get your point across than to have correct grammar and pronunciation is WRONG. The order is this: Pronunciation, Grammar, fluency. If you learn to speak with bad grammar or an accent, you are pretty much screwed. Time and effort is important. If you aren't willing to put in both, you are lazy (see #3)
5)Mixing English with pleasure. If you must get a Japanese girlfriend (and you must) DON'T get one because she can speak english UNLESS she is very intellegent and intellectual - very few and far between - most intellectual women in japan dont speak English, and stay away from foreigners for the most part because they perceive them as playboys in japan simply to party and get some (and they are usually right). The reason I say unless she is an intellectual is because if she speaks english it will get g*ddamn old after a very short while once your japanese surpasses her english, but if she is an intellectual you can at the very least have a stimulating conversation with her about how poor your japanese is and how everyone always wants to speak english to you. If you end up with one of those english speaking girlfriends (or "Eigo Bandits" in the lingo) She will bleed english from you like a leech, taking away your ability to learn the language, while she shows you off to all her friends as her pet gaijin. If you are determined to learn the language and get a girlfriend, it is okay to start out with afformentioned "eigo bandit" as it is cheap and easy @$$, but you must do so with the realization that her usefulness has its limits, and it is usually a purely physical one. All is fair in love, war, and learning japanese in japan.
Secrets to learning japanese in japan:
1)DON'T fall into the habit of speaking english when you don't know the word, and for Chr*st's sake Please don't ask directions from people on the street in English! If you speak english whenever you don't know how to say something, you aren't going to learn a damn thing. Don't ask directions to people on the street in english because that p*sses me off because then I have to deal with them blathering about how they don't speak english when I ask them directions straight out in fluent Japanese.
2)Maintain an "us against them" attitude. The quest for Japanese language fluency is a war. It is a series of battles. Any one battle lost can cost you the war. You go in, and you take no prisoners. Use the eigo bandits to get your foot in the door, and then toss them aside after they have fulfilled thier usefulness. That is what they are doing to you. They are stealing your english so they can pick up more Americans later on, after you go back home, because to ALL japanese, you will eventually leave THIER country. Use everyone like a pawn in your quest. Your purpose is to learn the language. In war, there are casualties. Better them than you. The best way to maintain the "us against them" attitude is to learn the language of the oppressed. A common jargon breeds solidarity. Here are some Gaibonics phrases that you will need to know:
FIELD NIGGER: Any non-Japanese non-English teacher (In other words, YOU).
HOUSE NIGGER: English teacher, or one who has sold out to the japanese.
SHIGOTO: Girlfriend
'BAITO: mistress / 2nd girlfriend
TRIFFID/TRIBBLE: The first highschool aged girl in a sailor suit on her bicycle. They quickly multiply.
KOUKOU BEWARE: A term of solidarity, with the rough meaning of "I'm gonna go out and get me some @$$." (from the term 'joushikoukousei')
NEW NIGGER SYNDROME: The scientific term for the psychological effect a 'new' gaijin has on the girls who had been previously hanging out with another gaijin. (i.e. the novelty on the old gaijin wears off, and they flock to the new one.)
DONUT RUN: a trip to the dumpster behind Mr. Donuts at 3AM to pick up the previous day's stash, from which soon evolved such sayings as "do niggers steal donuts?" (Does a bear shit in the woods?)
EIGO BANDIT: Any Japanese female who wants a white/black english speaker for a boyfriend for the sole and expressed purpose of practicing english.
GHETTO MART: The local cheap ass "100 yen shop"
NIGGER BREAD: The bag full of bread heels. bread in Japan is sold without the heels. The heels are gathered together and sold real cheap in a big bag. Of course no one but a foreigner would actually EAT them...
JINGLISH: The messed up english that people will try to use on you, or the messed up english signs that are rampant across the country (Pizza Deriberly, Pankake Houwse, The My House, etc.)
THE WORLD: Your country of origin. (as in "I wonder how things are back in the world?")
3)DON'T be afraid to be rude. You don't hesitate to tell homeless scum to take a hike when they ask you for money, and you have no qualms about telling the flower-giving hari krishna's on your corner to go to hell, so why be nice to some japanese guy who comes up to you out of nowhere to speak poor-ass broken english to you at the local supermarket. These people are intruding on you. and every time you allow them to do so you encourage them to do it TO ME, and I don't like it.
4)Be a smartass. Hand in hand with #3. If someone refuses to reply to your Japanese and just makes handsignals at you, tell them you don't understand signlanguage, but you'd like to accomplish whatever task it is you are trying to do, so please hurry up and tell me what I need to know. If they jibber at you that they don't speak english while you are talking japanese at thier face, tell them to use a bigger earwax pick next time because you are talking to them in japanese, and give me the damn info i'm looking for!
5)DON'T rely on classes to learn japanese. If you are going to school in japan, don't rely on the classes to learn. Get the heck out to the bars, to the beer-busts, the parties, the karaoke gatherings, and TALK TO PEOPLE.
6)Take advantage of the stupidity of others. Go to those shady Izakaya bars, plant yourself at the bar, and get to know the bartender. People at bars love to drink. People who drink love to talk. People who drink and love to talk will love even more to talk to the gaijin at the bar. Japanese people who talk to you will buy you food. They will buy you beer. and they will talk to you. most patrons of these places are blue collar workers. In my experience housepainters, truck drivers, police officers, or fishermen. none of which speak english or have any interest in learning it. when they find out you can speak japanese they'll chat away with you. the conversation could get pretty inane, but that's okay considering all the free food you'll get out of it, as well as the japanese practice. free food means less money you have to spend, which means you won't have to be an english teacher:
7)DON'T TEACH ENGLISH. This is the most important, because all the pitfalls above are multiplied by about 1000X for the english teacher. The english teacher is the lap dog of the japanese. He will sit, stay and rollover for the japanese. His entire purpose of existing is to blanket the people around him with english. I've only seen it from the outside, the way most of us only see cocaine addiction from the outside. All i know for sure is, IT'S BAD. DON'T DO IT. Nobody says "I want to be a drugee when I grow up" Sell your soul to satan before you become an english teacher, because all you will do is propogate the myth of the stupid pathetic foreigner who has lived in Japan eight year and can still only say "waTAshi wa aMERika jin deSUUU". If you ever see one of your allies agreeing when someone tells him that his Nihongo is Jouzu, or that he is special because he can use chopsticks, or speaks english because people ask him to, put him out of his misery IMMEDIATELY. He has already fallen in battle, just not realized it yet.
Now, with that said, there is one great thing you men will all be able to say when you go home. You may thank God for it. Thank God, that at least, thirty years from now, when you are sitting around the fireside with your grandson on your knees, and he asks you what you did in the great war, you won't have to cough and say, "I shoveled shit in Louisiana."
Alright now, you sons of bitches, you know how I feel. I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere. That's all.
[This message has been edited by CEWest (edited 02-23-2002).]