View Full Version : Cool pre-battle speaches:
PseRamesses
03-18-2005, 10:25
"At least where they are standing won´t need manure this year"
It seems that non-general units deliver the shortest and funniest pre-battle speaches. Any other examples?
Forget the exact text but here goes
Only cowards and sheep are afraid of these men........ for very different reasons
Es Arkajae
03-18-2005, 23:11
LOL!~D
I always liked the Carthaginian "The Roman Eagle is a Roman chicken, the enemy flees the field!" or something like that when a battle is won.
Always gives me a good chuckle, especially since when empty the icon above Rome does indeed look like a chicken. ~:)
I like "The enemy greatly outnumbers us, but that just means they were afraid to meet us in a fair fight!"
I was laughing my ass off, thinking that was an interesting way to spin it lol.
Hmmm... The Greek speeches are boring. Not that they aren't varied, but is it every single time a two-liner. "Great sons of Zeus..." "A battle is never easy..." Gah...
And seemingly there is no difference between captains and family members. I guess I have to create a depraved lunatic to get some funny lines from those Seleucids.
Uesugi Kenshin
03-19-2005, 03:09
Just as a side note the human body is actually not very good for fertilizer....
The captain speeches are the best ones, except for the one that bloody generals always use. First time I heard that one I did a double take and almost fell out of my chair.
I had a sneaky roman general who alway assured his men that he wouldn't fight fair, but instead give the enemy a quick kick up the toga. ~D
I just had one where he said
"Kill these Greeks" and that was it
and another one
"Today we fight, tonight we sleep"
So funny when non generals give speeches
"And take hearth men! For we have sharper pointy thingys then they do! Ah yes, much sharper..."
Es Arkajae
03-19-2005, 13:17
Now I remember another one
"The enemy will be angry, because I ate all their bees and they have been without honey for a long time!"
Or something like that, the guy was insane of course~D
"I want to see blood! I want to bathe in their blood! I want to bathe in their blood for a week!"
But on the whole my generals seem to be very genorous, offering jugs of wine and appreciative camp women to their men all the time... ~D
Mikeus Caesar
03-19-2005, 23:10
'They may have the moon people on their side, but we have our hats!! And with our lovely hats, we can protect ourselves from their fearsome stare!!'
The trait for that speech? 'Fears Moon People'. When i first heard that speech, i almost died. Literally. I ended up falling off my chair, and my head came within inches of hitting my computer tower.
PseRamesses
03-21-2005, 10:13
"Straighten the ranks... and kill the bastards!"
Atreides
03-21-2005, 14:37
The Romans tend to say something like:
And now we face the Gauls, worthy enemies and hairy beyond reason.
Which I also like is when playing with the local mercs your general/captain say something about the people.
Craterus
03-21-2005, 20:48
i always listen to the speeches just in case they say something funny...
i can't remember any really funny ones off hand... sorry
vastator
03-30-2005, 13:26
My personal favourites are:
"Now lads, after the battle; please, no skipping with the entrails this time."
and:
"Attack the elephants, men! Go for the pink trunky beggars!" (Needless to say, this general had the "drunken lout" trait.)
PseRamesses
04-06-2005, 17:27
"...and I promise a bale of hay to the bravest horse in the field"
imdWALRU5
04-06-2005, 18:09
The Selucids also have some boring speaches.
I like the Roman and Carthagenian speeches
PseRamesses
04-08-2005, 00:39
I just remembered a speach that I hear quite often, it goes something like this:
"...sometimes one have to do something they don´t want to do. I didn´t want to be here but my mother told me to go, so here I am..."
Yeah, my best 10 star general suddenly started making this kind of speech and I think he got a coward vice or something??? He was 2 gold chevrons from all the battles and personally routed about half the enemy units every battle.
I also love the bee speech. Another of my good generals spoke for a while and then said, "Beware, for the enemy are mad. They are mad for they have eaten all their bees and have not had honey for many a moon" Hilarious but I think he was a loony too.
Apparently all the greatest heroes of my Brutii empires are loopy. "Charge, my pretties" :charge:
One of my roman generals had some really bad traits.
Once he was leading an army against the egyptians, and his speech began like an ordinary one. But in the middle of the speech:
- Ehh. Oh were was I?......there was something......nevermind!
Not any good general! ~:)
Mine I thought was funny yet not, was this from one of my Roman Captians:
"Today we face the Gauls, & tonight, their wives will voluntarily (forgot exact word right here, but basically voluntaryly do it with them)", then he kind of clears his throat some, then says, "well... mostly... but still! We still win this battle & sleep with them tonight!"
Not exact, its been a few months, but somthing like that, you get the idea lol!
Craterus
04-08-2005, 21:06
In a battle I had today, my Spanish warlord said "Now is a good time to pray to the Gods, but a better time to sharpen your swords, in case the Gods are deaf.
Gut your enemy like fish!!" ~D
We now must eliminate these baby killing carthagians!
tibilicus
04-08-2005, 23:24
I never ever ever get funny speaches........ My generels dont know how to have a good time. Oh ye great sig beefy!
lol thanks i have to take it off though! im upset! lets do a petition! keep my sig!
tibilicus
04-09-2005, 13:40
I got a good one just now after loading my generel didnt say anything. He just went quite.....
And the first man to the enemy gets a jug of my finest wine!
Uesugi Kenshin
04-10-2005, 03:28
I do not know if this one has been mentioned yet, but today while playing a custom battle I got the speech: "Ha I have seen more frighteneing mother in laws!" or something to that effect.
"Kill them all men! So that i may swim in their entrails!!! ...it's a nasty habit i know..."
~D
Soviet_AK-47
04-10-2005, 06:16
"Yes...Battle is such a sad thing, isn't it? I wouldn't be here, but my Mother told me to come." or something like that
thing is, that general was a bribed one, and gave a bad speech in front of every battle he won...the battle he died in, his speech had been a normal speech
Azi Tohak
04-12-2005, 05:35
It's these lovely little things that make RTR (note, not RTW) the great game I enjoy. Some really silly, but really funny speeches, always well done are a lot of fun.
Azi
Kekvit Irae
04-12-2005, 08:55
thing is, that general was a bribed one, and gave a bad speech in front of every battle he won...the battle he died in, his speech had been a normal speech
It's like an omen. If they start making speeches that arent funny or remotely interesting, it's a sign they are not going to survive the battle.
:happyg:
PseRamesses
04-12-2005, 10:02
It's like an omen. If they start making speeches that arent funny or remotely interesting, it's a sign they are not going to survive the battle.
:happyg:
I´ve noticed that too. One general of mine said something like "I really don´t like the look of theese Dacians, they look really intimidating..." and shure enough he didn´t see nightfall.
I was once playing a nutty, profane guy (I used a cheat to get both traits) and I once got a speech that started with 'Do not fear these over-nice Greeks." and then he carried on to make mocking statements about how the town garrison is pathatic... but best of all, he ended the speech with 'The first one through those gates will be my sister, and free jelly and (something, I forgot) for life, you'll see"
Yup! I just love having a lunatic leading my troops! ~D
Uesugi Kenshin
04-13-2005, 03:19
Yeah, I had a General who made a strange speech for him and died, funny thing is his captain led the battle to a heroic victory after the general died a pathetic death so he became a general and went on to great things, including faction leader!
imdWALRU5
04-13-2005, 05:30
By this time tomorrow, our sword-arms will ache from over use!!
ZZR Puig
04-13-2005, 12:02
My favorite is probably the one that says:
"Now lads, once the battle is over, please - no skipping with the entrails this time!"
I've gathered some more of them that I encountered:
Now - imitate the action of the tiger!
See the enemy? What has the God who produced them been eating?
And the first man to the enemy gets a jug of my finest wine!
The enemy! The latrine pit holds better than that lot!
So these are our enemies. They're garbage, aren't they?
If you can smell something ripe, that's our foes. They're scared, and it shows. But it's not a very dignified way to spend a night before battle, is it? Still, that's what fear does to weaklings.
Now you're probably wondering about this evening entertainment. There's enough wine in camp to float a boat. It's all yours when they're dead. Oh yes, and the camp women will be suitably... appreciative too.
Let us offer prayers to the Gods for victory. And then let us arm ourselves to the teeth, just in case the Gods aren't listening.
This day will see us victorious, or I'll be eating my favorite helmet!
There they are! Gods! What a sad little collection of fools!
Men don't cack themselves! So it follows, lads, the enemy are not men!
The enemy? Only goats and weaklings fear them - for very different reasons!
The enemy are cunning! They look brave, but their entrails are water!
The enemy over there - they call themselves men, aparently...
Our foes have no word for courage! They do have words for "run" and "flee"!
Try not to laught at the enemy, men. Those about to die get upset by that!
Are they the enemy? Now I know the Gods have sense of fun!
The enemy must be really frightening... to livestock, probably.
That army is one-quater of the enemy's strength. So sharpen your swords one last time! When we have killed them all, we will have made a good start!
That army numbers more than half the enemy's strenght. What a pity that it is still so feeble, strong only in the smell from their weak bowels! Let us put them out of their misery!
I've seen contents of latrine buckets with more courage than our foes!
You can find all of them at '\Data\text\prebattle_speeches_subtitles.txt'. There are some good ones, but perhaps is better to be surprised with them on a real battle.
I feel only anticipation when facing so many girls, even on a battlefield!
Our enemies are gutless! Now, let's make their bodies match their souls!
Our foes will soon have guts aplenty! But only on the outside of their corpses!
A few swings of the sword, and we'll have this foe cut down to size!
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