View Full Version : Funny Quotes
InsaneApache
04-30-2005, 12:46
I'm sure there was a thread for this, but I couldnt find it so I've started another.
Ok guys please feel free to post your favourite funny quotes.
Here one to start off with.
"People laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a famous comedien....well............... they're not laughing now" ( Bob Monkhouse---English comic died 2004)
~D
"If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't" - Emerson M. Pugh (whoever this guy is) ~D
Can this thread exist without Yogi Berra?
Q: Mr. Berra, if you found a million dollars what would you do?
A: Well if the guy who lost it was poor, I'd give it back to him.
Uesugi Kenshin
04-30-2005, 18:38
"I believe more people would be alive today if we had the death penalty." Barbara Bush
I don't know what the context was and can see how that could be reasonable if you think about it in the irght way with some explanation or context, but out of context it is pretty good.
InsaneApache
04-30-2005, 19:05
"I believe more people would be alive today if we had the death penalty." Barbara Bush
I'm actually considering having that on my sig...thats awesome man .... ~:eek:
Uesugi Kenshin
04-30-2005, 19:24
Yeah I like that one, thought of another of my favorites.
"I am not afraid of my death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen
I got both of those from dying countless times in Operation Flashpoint.
Craterus
04-30-2005, 20:08
Yogi Berra - "My sister is pregnant and I don't know if I'm an uncle or an auntie yet."
Simon Cowell this was said to a lifeguard contestant on Pop Idol - "If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning."
I've got loads, more tomorrow. ~D
The Stranger
04-30-2005, 20:48
that was my thread but i think it is gone,
discovery1
04-30-2005, 22:26
Lady Ascot: if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee.
Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.
Lady Ascot: You sir are drunk.
Churchill: I may be drunk but in the morning I will be sober while you will still be ugly.
Corrected: Thanks Craterus
Craterus
04-30-2005, 22:30
Some lady: if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee.
Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.
Another lady: You sir are drunk.
Churchill: I may be drunk but in the morning I will be sover while you will still be ugly.
The lady you are referring to is Lady Ascot. She is the woman in both qoutes.
Uesugi Kenshin
05-01-2005, 00:37
That is a great Churchill quote, this just in public drunkeness deemed better than everlasting ugliness, film at eleven.
Yogi Berra on funerals
If you dont go to their's they won't come to yours
Kongamato
05-01-2005, 07:26
This is my best recollection of an exchange between some notables a few centuries ago:
"You shall be found dead either by hanging or disease"
"That, sir, depends on whether I sleep with your mistress, or your wife"
Anyone remember the real wording or their real names?
Byzantine Prince
05-01-2005, 17:15
Dear World, I am leaving you because I am bored. I am leaving you with your worries. Good luck.
George Sanders (1906 - 1972)
British film actor.
Suicide note.
Perfect way to leave.
The Stranger
05-01-2005, 18:42
if you have to kill a man, it cost nothing to be polite
-churcill
The Stranger
05-01-2005, 18:43
don't touch my circles
-aristotle
InsaneApache
05-01-2005, 18:56
They couldnt hit an elephant at this dist.....
Us general during the civil war, just before he was shot dead. ~:cool:
InsaneApache
05-01-2005, 18:59
The lady you are referring to is Lady Ascot
Actually it was Nancy Astor.....just being a pedant ~;)
The Stranger
05-01-2005, 19:13
student is eating in the classroom
(latin teacher) we're talking about inner civilisation
(student) well that has to eat too
guess who was eating ~D
Clayde Debussy-In Opera, there is always too much singing
The Stranger
05-01-2005, 19:24
boy put his hand on other boy's right chest and says "look at your heart beating"
-chimpa
Craterus
05-02-2005, 17:59
Actually it was Nancy Astor.....just being a pedant ~;)
Thanks for picking up on that, I was pretty close though.
"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75 so it's no distance." - Bob Monkhouse
"The midfield is numerically outnumbered." - Football pundit Ron Atkinson
UglyandHasty
05-02-2005, 19:46
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
Dolly Parton
Craterus
05-02-2005, 20:46
Last week I said that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
It's my new sig. ~D
Oh, go on, I will give you one as well then...
'The only reason I might go to the funeral is to make absolutely sure he's dead.'
An 'eminent editor', of press baron Lord Beaverbrook, quoted in Anatomy of Britain today.
Quid
Craterus
05-03-2005, 17:34
"I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me." - US Comic Stephen Wright
"The first thing that ran across my mind was to bite him back." - Boxer Evander Holyfield, after rival Mike Tyson bit his ear off during a fight.
Copperhaired Berserker!
05-03-2005, 21:20
Here's one...........Don't wipe your butt with broken glass.... meaning that don't do somthing stupid if you know it will hurt you.
"The road turned, but I didn't"
From an insurance claim.
"They say loneliness builds character. All I built was a cathedral of despair"
Dylan Moran
The Stranger
05-04-2005, 11:54
"I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me." - US Comic Stephen Wright
"The first thing that ran across my mind was to bite him back." - Boxer Evander Holyfield, after rival Mike Tyson bit his ear off during a fight.
hahhahahahahahahahahahaha the first one is so funny.
Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.
?(????-????)
(I don't know who said that)
Here's a very funny one
I'm not pointless
Craterus
05-04-2005, 19:20
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." - Hollywood film producer Sam Goldwyn
"Coping with the language shouldn't be a problem, I can't speak English" - Paul Gascoigne, on moving to Italian football club Lazio
"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." - Heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali
The Stranger
05-05-2005, 16:22
ahahahhahaahaha.
damn can't get up with any more quotes
Craterus
05-05-2005, 20:34
I have more:
"You have to be a bastard to make it. And the Beatles are the biggest bastards on Earth." - John Lennon, musician, writer, actor and activist.
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, ex police-chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - Reprot describing basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian.
Good Churchill qoute:
"I have taken more good from alcohol than
alcohol has taken from me."
Abokasee
05-06-2005, 08:24
"What do you do when aleins come?"
-a hippie with in his pink and green van
The Stranger
05-06-2005, 13:00
hahaahhaha
Craterus
05-06-2005, 19:25
Ok, here we go:
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." - Actor Jim Carrey.
"I get to go to loads of overseas places, like Canada." - Singer Britney Spears.
"The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary." - Vidal Sassoon (entrepreneur). Not funny but one of those life sorta quotes maybe?
"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." - John Lennon.
Craterus
05-08-2005, 16:39
"If you had been singing like this 2000 years ago, people would have stoned you." - Simon Cowell on Pop Idol
"Our nation must cometogether to unite." - George W. Bush
"I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, I'm just saying she uses the smoke alarm as a timer." - Bob Monkhouse
"For me their biggest threat is when they are in the attacking part of the field." _ Football pundit Ron Atkinson
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms." - Groucho Marx
The Stranger
05-08-2005, 16:53
if you're in the middle of a enemy push, try to act unimportant
Uesugi Kenshin
05-09-2005, 03:58
Let's go stone someone...
In my english class we are reading Oedipus, to emphasize how the king (Creon) needed support our teacher had us roleplay and eventually st6one her and a student with paper...
2 more from Churchil
A woman vs Churchil : If you were my husband I would poison your tea.
Churchil replies : If you were my wife I would drink it
Churchil vs woman : Would you sleep with me for a million pounds
Woman : why yes
Churchil : and for 10?
Woman : What do you think I am??
Churchil : I know what you are, I was just curious about the price
~D ~D ~D ~D
TheSilverKnight
05-09-2005, 13:50
Churchil vs woman : Would you sleep with me for a million pounds
Woman : why yes
Churchil : and for 10?
Woman : What do you think I am??
Churchil : I know what you are, I was just curious about the price
~D ~D ~D ~D
~:eek: How scandalous!! ~D
Craterus
05-09-2005, 20:06
"Giving up smoking is easy... I've done it hundreds of times." - Mark Twain
"Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome." - Oscar Levant
Uesugi Kenshin
05-10-2005, 03:44
I had a good one, in the middle of the day, at school, far from a computer and besides forums don't work there...
Oh well, Churchill has a bunch of great quotes.
Craterus
05-10-2005, 19:58
"Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!" - US comic Stephen Wright
Uesugi Kenshin
05-11-2005, 03:59
Hhmmmm I wonder who can get me in on that racket....
"Come on you apes! Do you want to live forever?"
Unknown British Sergeant. World War One.
Not necessarily funny, but classic.
Craterus
05-14-2005, 13:30
"If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research." - US Screenwriter Wilson Mizner
"The laziest man I ever met would put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves." - W C Fields
"Hull is very nice, the weather is very like home." - Hull City's Spanish footballer Antonio Doncel-Valcarcel
"Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. CB is such a loser; he wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special." - US Comic Chris Rock
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