Arrowhead
05-05-2005, 21:14
Outside a Paris Lady's Dress Shop:
"Women have fits upstairs"
Outside a Small Hotel in Vienna:
"Patrons should feel free to take advantage of the chambermaid"
Outside a men's laundromat in Holland:
"Men feel free to drop your pants here."
A sign on the property of Dale Catching in Centerville, Texas USA:
KEEP OUT!
TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT.
(Survivors will be prosecuted)
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
In a Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter backwards, and only when lit up.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
Sign in office block:
Lift out of order. Please use elevator
Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness
Spotted in a garden centre:
Up these steps for the sunken garden
Sign in a chemist's shop:
We dispense with accuracy
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order
Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council
Seen in a Coventry Factory:
Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match
Notice in a London park:
No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure parK
Seen at an American undertaker's:
Oscar's Funeral Parlour - where you'll always find a smile
Found in a butcher's shop:
These scales are accurate no two weighs about it
Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:
You can always count on us
In a cafe window:
Waitresses required for breakfast
Sign at a garden fete:
Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate
Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Outside a furniture shop:
Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship
On a church door:
'This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door.' (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)
In an office:
After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
In the window of a dry cleaner's:
Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours
Outside a farm:
Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
In an electrical shop:
Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you
Sign in a picture shop:
Let us put you in the picture and frame you
Outside a disco:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome
Notice in a pet shop:
Birds going cheep!
Seen outside a travel agency:
Why don't you go away?
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Sign on a farm gate:
Dogs found worrying will be shot
Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow
Outside a farm:
Cattle please close gate
In a Chinese restaurant:
If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter
In a grocery shop:
Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it
Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New York with three Santas
Seen in a watch shop:
Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands
Notice on Norfolk village shop:
Half-day closing all day Wednesday
Sign outside pet shop:
No dogs allowed
Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of
Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
Hot and cold running in all rooms
Notice in Keighley restaurant:
From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables
Sign in London pizza parlour:
Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m.
Sign in a tea shop:
Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, 1.00
Spotted in a golf club:
Golfers please do not drink and drive
Seen in a college:
This week's lecture: Underwater Life by Peter Fish
Notice in hairdresser's window:
Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
Sign at the tennis club:
Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racquet
Spotted at the railway station:
Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again
Notice at the zoo:
Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
Traffic sign:
Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left
In a Laundromat in Australia:
Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In a dress shop window:
Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit
Sign in a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs
Sign in Egyptian hotel:
If you require room service, please open door and shout, `room service!'.
Sign outside a French cafe:
Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consuming
Sign in a Japanese hotel:
Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
Sign in Swiss hotel:
Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank!
Sign in Italian hotel:
Do not adjust yor light hanger. If you wish more light see manager
Sign in Australian hotel:
In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter
In a clothing store in America:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks
In a Burlington, Vermont men's store:
25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced
In a Maine restaurant:
At your service:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.
On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.
In the vestry of a Westminister church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the
perpetual light is extinguished.
Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.
In a Ohio cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves
On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission
On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water,
this road is impassable.
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
On a ski lift in Austria:
No jumping from the lift; Survivors will be prosecuted.
Outside a casino in America:
Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.
In a health store in England:
Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot.
In a little country town in Australia:
2 signs on top of one another:
Restrooms
Please wait for hostess to seat you
Outside an Australian Motel:
Wanted: Room Maids
UNDER NEW MANAGER!
In a Czech's Tourist Agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours...
We guarantee no mis carriages
Advert for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On a Swiss mountain inn menu:
Special Today....No Icecream
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager
In a Paris hotel:
Please leave your values at the front desk
In an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
In a Tokyo laundry room:
Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common,
but you'll find they are best in the long run
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty
In a Roman doctor's office:
Specialist in women and other diseases
In an Acapulco hotel:
Manager has personally passed all the water served here
In a car rental in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage,
then tootle him with vigor
A few thousand of my own! ~D
"Women have fits upstairs"
Outside a Small Hotel in Vienna:
"Patrons should feel free to take advantage of the chambermaid"
Outside a men's laundromat in Holland:
"Men feel free to drop your pants here."
A sign on the property of Dale Catching in Centerville, Texas USA:
KEEP OUT!
TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT.
(Survivors will be prosecuted)
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
In a Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter backwards, and only when lit up.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
Sign in office block:
Lift out of order. Please use elevator
Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness
Spotted in a garden centre:
Up these steps for the sunken garden
Sign in a chemist's shop:
We dispense with accuracy
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order
Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council
Seen in a Coventry Factory:
Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match
Notice in a London park:
No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure parK
Seen at an American undertaker's:
Oscar's Funeral Parlour - where you'll always find a smile
Found in a butcher's shop:
These scales are accurate no two weighs about it
Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:
You can always count on us
In a cafe window:
Waitresses required for breakfast
Sign at a garden fete:
Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate
Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Outside a furniture shop:
Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship
On a church door:
'This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door.' (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)
In an office:
After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
In the window of a dry cleaner's:
Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours
Outside a farm:
Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
In an electrical shop:
Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you
Sign in a picture shop:
Let us put you in the picture and frame you
Outside a disco:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome
Notice in a pet shop:
Birds going cheep!
Seen outside a travel agency:
Why don't you go away?
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Sign on a farm gate:
Dogs found worrying will be shot
Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow
Outside a farm:
Cattle please close gate
In a Chinese restaurant:
If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter
In a grocery shop:
Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it
Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New York with three Santas
Seen in a watch shop:
Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands
Notice on Norfolk village shop:
Half-day closing all day Wednesday
Sign outside pet shop:
No dogs allowed
Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of
Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
Hot and cold running in all rooms
Notice in Keighley restaurant:
From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables
Sign in London pizza parlour:
Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m.
Sign in a tea shop:
Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, 1.00
Spotted in a golf club:
Golfers please do not drink and drive
Seen in a college:
This week's lecture: Underwater Life by Peter Fish
Notice in hairdresser's window:
Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
Sign at the tennis club:
Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racquet
Spotted at the railway station:
Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again
Notice at the zoo:
Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
Traffic sign:
Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left
In a Laundromat in Australia:
Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In a dress shop window:
Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit
Sign in a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs
Sign in Egyptian hotel:
If you require room service, please open door and shout, `room service!'.
Sign outside a French cafe:
Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consuming
Sign in a Japanese hotel:
Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
Sign in Swiss hotel:
Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank!
Sign in Italian hotel:
Do not adjust yor light hanger. If you wish more light see manager
Sign in Australian hotel:
In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter
In a clothing store in America:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks
In a Burlington, Vermont men's store:
25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced
In a Maine restaurant:
At your service:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.
On a radiator repair garage:
Best place to take a leak.
In the vestry of a Westminister church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the
perpetual light is extinguished.
Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.
In a Ohio cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves
On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission
On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water,
this road is impassable.
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
On a ski lift in Austria:
No jumping from the lift; Survivors will be prosecuted.
Outside a casino in America:
Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense.
In a health store in England:
Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot.
In a little country town in Australia:
2 signs on top of one another:
Restrooms
Please wait for hostess to seat you
Outside an Australian Motel:
Wanted: Room Maids
UNDER NEW MANAGER!
In a Czech's Tourist Agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours...
We guarantee no mis carriages
Advert for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On a Swiss mountain inn menu:
Special Today....No Icecream
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager
In a Paris hotel:
Please leave your values at the front desk
In an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
In a Tokyo laundry room:
Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common,
but you'll find they are best in the long run
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty
In a Roman doctor's office:
Specialist in women and other diseases
In an Acapulco hotel:
Manager has personally passed all the water served here
In a car rental in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage,
then tootle him with vigor
A few thousand of my own! ~D