Mongoose
05-24-2005, 00:06
THE LEGEND OF ELMO. credits http://p223.ezboard.com/fshoguntotalwarfrm4.showMessageRange?topicID=759.topic&start=21&stop=40
Elmarkofear
i m zelda12
mongoose
killemall54
teecee
_______________________________________________________________________
ELMO PULLS UP IN HIS LONG BLACK MOUNTAINEER LIMOUSINE
DRIVER OPENS ELMO's DOOR AND ELMO STEPS OUT WAVING TO ALL THE .COM PATRONS
"Hey Elmo that's a nice coat your wearing, is it real fur?"
"Why yes it is! But this is no ordinary fur. This is ancient Roman fur gathered from the backsides of enemy Roman soldiers in the battle of Trebia. Very expensive and quite appropriate for my Elmo Fan Club dinner. It's a $1,000 a plate affair."
"Oh we wish we were you!"
"I know, I know, but luckily you can't be." ELMO RAISES HIS NOSE, SNIFFS AS IF HE SMELLS SOMETHING BAD, AND SNAPS HIS FINGERS
TWO BEAUTIFUL SUPERMODELS CLING TO EACH OF HIS ARMS AS HE STROLLS INTO THE POSH RESTAURANT TO MEET HIS ADORING, RICH FANS
Zelda strides over to the entrance followed by his security force. He sees Elmo striding by with his transexual escorts and racoon skin rug on his shouders.
Zelda snorting walks over to Elmo, "So you decided to arrive did you."
"Fool I am invited to this party stand aside peasent." Elmo says posing for the cameras.
"Well, you would be but I just bought it. So you are banned. Also I just bought the limo rental company the escort agency and the suit rental emporium and Racoon skin works." Retorted Zelda.
Elmo stood back agast before speaking in a quivering voice, "And why would this concern me."
"Well my balifs would like to have a word with you." Said Zelda before beckoning for four men to come forward.
Ten minutes later Elmo was walking back along the road in his boxers.
Elmo strolls dejectedly down the street, in nothing but his boxers, thinking of what could have been and cursing the day Zelda came into his life.
A loud screeching noise is heard coming from inside the exclusive hair salon Elmo had just walked past. Several women come running out the front door of the salon and stare in horror at the poor figure they see in front of them.
"Oh my! Call the ambulance! There must have been a terrible accident! Just look at this poor thing!" They were heard to say.
"Wasn't any accident miss. Zelda done took all my belongings and kicked me out on the street."
"You mean you haven't been in an accident?" says one woman, looking as if she is about to faint.
"No maam."
"You mean you have always looked like this?" another woman asked, wrinkling her nose as if looking at something distasteful.
"Yes, but normally with more clothes on."
"Well, here's $500. Go buy some clothing." she says.
As the women walk away, Elmo hears one of them say; "I would have paid him a lot more to cover up as much of THAT as possible! Almost lost my lunch!"
An idea suddenly pops into Elmo's head.
Running into the nearest Frederich's Of Hollywood store, Elmo buys him some tiny thong bikini briefs. He then goes to the nearest clothing store and buys himself some regular clothing.
Later that day, standing on a crowded street corner, Elmo begins his career as a soon-to-be world famous male stripper.
Zelda sits back in his leather chair smoking one of his huge cigars whilst watching the T.V. He is watching a comedy and thouroughly enjoying it when an emergency bulletin hits the screens.
Behind the Newsman scenes of chaos are being shown on the streets. There are overturned cars and flaming bulidings all around and in the streets mobs of women can be seen waving hand bags and shopping bags over their heads whilst taking on riot police.
"These scenes are live," The newsman saud, "It appears that mobs of women are tearing the city apart in their search for a certain male stripper who began his new career this afternoon. The male stripper has been taken into custody for inciting violence. The estimates for damage are running into millions. And the govenor is quoted as saying that the stripper will be the one to pay back the people of the city."
Just then a picture of the stripper came up.
And Zelda almost choked on his brandy as he was wracked by laughter.
Smoke swirls slowly down the alley in which Elmo ran to get away from the screaming masses. The women, appalled by the blatant display of sexuality before them, had begun to feel urges they had not felt in years: Urges to play "Dress Up".
Hundreds of women had gathered around Elmo as he took his clothing off, in what, (he thought), was a most provocative manner. Next thing he knew, they had begun fighting amongst themselves to be the first one to place clothing and jewelry upon his fine, hairy, sweaty, obese, lump of a masculine body-hood. After picking up all the cash, expensive jewelry, fine clothing, and two 1-900 numbers coming from a pair of siamese twins, Elmo ran away quickly from what was now turning into an angry mob.
As he peeked out from the alley, he noticed a camera crew searching for someone. When they spotted him, they screamed, pointed and ran quickly over to him.
"Are you the stripper that started all this?" One guy, who obviously was a T.V. news reporter, said sticking a big mic in front of Elmo's face.
"Well, errr . . . yeah . . . I guess I am." said Elmo nervously.
"How does it feel to know that your body has excited hundreds of women to violence?" the reporter asked.
"Uh . . well . . I'm sorry?"
"Sorry? No way man! What a great story this is! You're going to be famous! I can see the headlines already: "Male Stripper Excites Hundreds Of Women To Violence As He Displays All!"
As Elmo finished telling his "riches-to-rags-to-riches" story, the Chief of Police ran over and said; "The governor would like to have a word with you".
Elmo followed, and got slowly into the Chief's squad car as the news reporter and cameramen captured all the excitement on camera.
Sirens blaring, the squad car quickly sped off down the crowded street.
******
After watching events unfolding on his television, Zelda realized, too late, that he had just made two BIG mistakes:
One was drinking brandy: (which he had just spilled in his lap).
The second was smoking a cigar: (which he also had dropped into his lap).
A loud "whump" sound issued from the vicinity of Zelda's crotch as his trousers ignited into a flaming inferno.
With flames breaking out all around him, Zelda grabbed the phone and dialed 911. In extreme pain, he realized in horror, there would be no help forthcoming. Every fireman, policeman, and emergency personnel were busy with the riot Elmo's "new job" had caused.
Cursing Elmo's name, Zelda shuffled, as quickly as he could, down the steps and to his car, all the while trying to figure out how he was going to explain this to his mom.
Attorney Killemall gives his card to Zelda and offers to represent him in the civil suit against Elmarko the Stripper because there is a fortune in it. "You see, Zelda, The Elmo stripper admitted proximate cause in writing, the only question is the amount of damages. The more you suffer, the more you will get. See this doctor Munchausen for a review as he is a very concerned old doctor with good trial credentials."
Then he sends his card to ElMarko for the suspected criminal case involving mayhem and riot for inciting women to violence.
He believes he must get the case removed to Federal Court because under the felony laws in Kentucky, it does not look good for the guy in the thong.
There is no conflict of interest because one is against Elmo and the other is for Elmo.
After receiving a business card in the mail from "Don Hollywood", (a high profile, homicide criminal case lawyer, nicknamed "Killemall", who made his fortune in the movie industry), Elmo decides to call him for some legal advice. As Elmo dials the number, he considers how unusual it is for a lawyer to have a 1-900 number as his business's phone address.
**Ring! Ring!**
"Hello, you have reached Don Hollywood, I am not inside you right now, but if you leave your name, phone number and a pair of panties on my front doorstep, I will be touching you very soon."
Elmo, impressed by the confidence Don, aka. Killemall, exudes over the phone, drives to his place in the West Hollywood red-light district. He hangs his incriminating pair of thong briefs on the doorhandle of Killamall's place of business and quickly runs back to his car, before he causes another riot.
Killemall, arrives two hours later and quickly notices, what looks suspiciously like a garotte (used in strangling victims), hanging from his doorknob. Being the fine homicide lawyer he is, "Killemall" decides not to chance contaminating this obviously fine piece of evidence with his fingerprints. Checking his pocket for a pair of surgical gloves, and finding none, Killemall drops to his knees in front of the door and gently pries the "garotte" off of the knob using his teeth. Almost gagging from the stench, he finally manages to place the evidence in a plastic pouch. Smiling, not out of happiness, but for the wish of not allowing the garotte slime on his teeth from finding a permanent home on his lips, Killemall runs inside and brushes his teeth for 30 minutes.
**Ring! Ring!**
"Hello this is Killemall, can I help you?"
"Yes, this is Elmo. I called earlier and decided to drop by and leave my thong briefs on your front door like your phone message said."
"Elmo? Not THE Elmo from the riot downtown the other evening? Not THE big, fat, hairy, sweating slob of a man, who caused all those women to destroy a whole square block of the city? Not THE man whose thong I just . . . . uh . . ." Killemall turns a nice shade of green and begin wretching.
"Yup! That's me! You ok? You don't sound to good."
"Uh . . I'm ok, must be something I ate. Anyways I was looking over your "briefs" and noticed how . . ." Looking closely at what he formerly thought was a garotte, Killemall stammers . . "how damp they are."
"Yeah, the doctors tell me I have a sweating problem. It really chafes me around my buttocks and groin, right where my thong rubs my skin."
Killemall runs to the bathroom and loses his $120 power-lunch he recently digested that afternoon.
Elmo says; "Well, I have to go put some medical ointment on myself now, so I'll wait to hear back from you."
Killemall, wipes his mouth on the sleeve of his $3,000 silk suit and wonders to himself; "WHAT have I gotten myself into now?"
Zelda fumed, and plotted and then getting bored with plotting began to fume once again. He was lying in a hospital bed and fuming. He was wearing a hospital gown and was fuming. He was covered with third degree burns on his john thomas and he was fum...well the three times a day that a nurse had to massage the area with a special moisturiser wasn't too bad, but he was still fuming!
When he was up and about again Elmo would pay, he would pay. Cue manic laughing. Severall minutes later the laughing stopped and Zelda fell asleep dreaming of Elmo bing slowly lowered into a vat of acid....
Meanwhile, Don Hollywood who is used to beautiful women who desire to be starlets, lapses in the langourous delights of servicing such beauties despite the fact they would find him repulsive in real life, if he had not married a more than slightly demented porn star with bad taste in near elderly men. The real Killemall who would never make such choices - nor would he be lucky enough to find such a twisted chick- despite the fact he married the prettiest girl in his town, wonders why he did not make the choices attributed to him and has thoughts that would cause ex-president Jimmy Carter to have a stroke.
Killemall/DonHollywood wonders why he did not marry a porn star because in real life you get cute children who disagree with you at an extremely early age despite your best arguments that you do everything for their best interests despite the fact you play Total War a lot. You start thinking a lot about porn stars because that is more interesting than a six year old accidentally scoring a point in soccer or reading a stupid book about Dick Darling who is helpful to aliens even if you like science fiction.
More and more you wonder how Don Hollywood how found such a good racket and wonder why you didn't think of it. And you decide this will probably be a very temporary post but you make it anyway because you are middle-aged.
After giving up his hope for a large fee-based commission in the Elmo case, and deciding his skills could better be served elsewhere, Killemall goes on to make his fortune in the porn industry, by catering to the fantasies of that mass market of middle age men who are in crisis. He calls his new movie company venture: Stiff Old Timber ("SOT" for short): "Where young starlets find romance with experienced old men."
His first big hit movie is called: "Romancing the Bone" starring Indianapolis Jones.
He quickly follows that with a sexy space adventure called: "Star Whores". The lead in the movie "Hand Solo" goes on to win the coveted "Best Single Performance" award.
Rumor has it he is branching off into the PC Gaming industry and will soon release an expansion for RTW, which will cater to the older, mature gamer. The expansion will be called: "Roman Total War: Bare Barry and Caucasian." No specifics have been given thus far, but it is rumored to be an MP-only game.
Killemall has described the game not as an MMORPG but an MM O-R-G-Y.
The forums are throbbing in anticipation of this one. . . . :D
As zelda opened his eyes he saw he was in a hospital room, full of reporters and lawyers. As soon as he was awake the questions started coming:
"Did you really see elmo before the stripper fiasco?"
"Have you considered legal action?"
"Why do you think elmo started his rampage?"
One lawyer, mongoose.m.mongoose, gave him his card. I'm the founder of p.w.h.b.t.b.o.i.b.e.a.e( people who have been temporally blinded or injured by elmo against elmo). our commercial:
have you lost the will to live because of elmo? have you stabbed your own eyes out just so you would never see it again? come see p.w.h.b.t.b.b.e.a.e, and get the legal aid you need, tell the big elmo you mean business!
Please help me, Mr. Mongoose M. Mongoose!! (said teecee)
I caught one glimpse of Elmo, full monty, and my retina fuzed to my cornea and the image has been permanently burned directly to my optic nerve.
This has caused not only blindness and a nervous twitch but severe weight loss as I have been unable to keep any food down due to the image of Elmo burned onto my optic nerve.
The upside is that I am writing a diet book. I just need to find a ghost writer.
I believe that I have sufficient grounds for a lawsuit against Elmo AND his parents. All of my suffering could have been avoided if his parents had just not procreated.;)
Can you help me Mr. M.M.Mongoose?
That evening, Elmo lounges on the balcony of his brand new lavish (and air-conditioned) luxury penthouse condo, looking out over the city. The daylight soon fades and all is quiet. The lights of city twinkle below, creating a kaleidescope of colors as soft music rises up to greet Elmo's relaxed countenance.
Elmo, glass of expensive wine in hand, hears a knock at the door and rises to greet his visitor. Opening the door, he is suddenly flung down on the ground by a "weasely" looking fellow, in a dark suit. The glass of wine, having been thrown upwards by Elmo at the force of the blow, lands on the stranger's head. Wine soaks the strangers head and hair.
"Are you Elmo?", The stranger asks, angrily wiping at the wine in his eyes.
"Why, yes I am, Mr. Weasel."
"That's "Mongoose" to you pal!" The weasel growls, showing his sharp pointy teeth.
"Here I have something for you!" Mongoose thrusts a piece of paper into Elmo's hand and slowly backs up as Elmo picks himself up off of the floor.
"You might want to go into the bathroom and towel your hair before the wine stains your nice suit." Elmo says.
"Shut up and read the paper!" Mongoose shouts.
"Ok, Mr. Goose."
"That's MONGOOSE!" The stranger's face begins to turn a nice shade of red.
Elmo unfolds the official-looking document and reads it to himself.
"This is a summons to appear before the judge tomorrow, concerning the ad campaign for my line of ultra-revealing "hefty-man" thong briefs."
"That's right, short man. You are in a lot of trouble." Mongoose laughs cruelly as he plops a cigarette into his mouth and reaches into the pocket of his dark suit coat, revealing a shiny lighter, with a ferret emblem wrought in what appears to be 24-carat gold.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr. Monster Goose."
"That's "MONGOOSE!" The weaselly man yells.
"Next thing you will be preaching to me about the hazards of smoking and how it is slowly killing me." He then flicks the lighter and . . . WHOOOMP! Flames spread swiftly up the man's nose and to his wine-soaked hair.
"AAAARGH!" Mongoose drops the lighter and accidentally swallows his cigarette. Slapping at the inferno on his head, he runs out the door into the open elevator, screaming incoherently (probably due to the cigarette caught in his throat).
Elmo, curious, walks back out to the balcony and looks down just in time to see the burning man run out the front door and down the street, with one hand slapping his head and one hand squeezing his throat. Elmo turns back to go inside, imitating the man's gestures, unable to replicate the simultaneous head-slapping, throat-choking movements. He is awed by the man's coordination in doing both movements at the same time.
Upon waking, Zelda realized he was back in the hospital. Two broken arms, both in casts and slings and worse yet, a severe itch in his nether region. He soon found out, to his dismay, the beautiful nurse, who rubbed the ointment on his burns previously, worked a 2nd job. One which consisted of a dark room, a lit stage and a shiny metal pole. Unfortunately for the nurse, and thus for poor Zelda, the joint had failed its last health inspection and he became the host for a large extended family of crabs. To make matters worse, he could not itch himself, since his arms were tied up in slings.
Lying there miserably, feeling sorry for himself, Zelda watches as an orderly wheels in someone on a gurney and places him in the next bed. Zelda, noticing the man's heavily bandaged head, face, and hands, is reminded of the movie "Curse of the Mummy."
"What happened to him?"
The orderly replies; "Severe burn case. We haven't been able to get much detail as to what happened, since he can't talk. The doctor's think it may be a severe allergic reaction to something he ate. He's kind of green. Reminds me of when I was little and swallowed some of my daddy's chewing tobacco.
Teecee I just wrote a long section with you in it and the server went down when I tried to post it and I lost the whole thing. *SIGH* Let's just say you were on the "Oprah" talk show faking at being blind. Oprah promised to raise money for classes to teach dogs to drive, called "driving-eye dogs" for people who are "visually-challenged". You wrote a famous diet book, made a bunch of video workouts, and changed your name to "Richard Simmons".
Your lawyers also cancelled the lawsuits when they found out I was a test tube baby whose parents names were "Pyrex" and "Petri".
A large number of cars were parked at a building near the edge of town. On the side of the building read "p.w.h.b.t.b.b.e.a.e meeting tonight" inside the building the victim's gathered, a man named mongoose mongots mongoose said.
"Hello, im here to talk about recovery from what you saw, hopefully with in a few hours most of you will be able to eat again. Im taking questions now"
"When i open my eyes i see elmo, i see him laughing"
said a woman
"Well, i would not know how to deal with that"
"When ever i try to eat i start thinking about elmo"
Asked another victim
"Err..."
"Do you have answers for any of our problems?"
Asked an angry man
"Well, No. There is only one way. You must take revenge against elmo. Then and only then will you be able to eat and open your eyes again." An angry mob marched out to elmo's condo to seak vengeance, legal or other wise...
How will elmo make it out of this one, what shocking new exploit will the furry little red monkey think of next?
all right, i guess i should keep going.
The angry mob marched through the town, 1/2 of the police joined them. 1/4 just ignored them and the other part tried to stop them.
"YOU ARE UNDER ARREST" Said the police through a a speaker. When they saw that the mob was not going to be stoped that easily, they unleashed the anti riot mongooses.
'KEEEEECCCCHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" They screamed as they charged at the crowd. Just when it looked like all hope was lost, the mob shielded their eyes and raised an Elmo poster. the affect was horrible, the mongooses turned around as if taken by an evil spirit. They routed the police and turned over cars, felling building like a child pick's flowers. The account of one reporter:
"The police are now unleashing some anti-riot mongooses. Looks like the mob is holding something up... OH GOOD GOD! *faints* *slowly get's back up* There turning on the police... the town... OH THE HUMANITY!!!"
mongoose mongoose mongoose watched from the hospital window, grinning as they mob worked there way through the wake of destruction, worked there way to Elmo!
Elmo, still lounging on his balcony sipping yet another glass of extremely rare and expensive wine, looked out upon the city below, thinking of the unusual events of a few nights past. He is considering lighting up an expensive Cuban cigar, but remembers what happened to that poor lad named Zelda, and of course that Weaselly guy who called himself "man goose" or something like that.
Elmo hears a noise and looks down upon the darkened street below, and notices a crowd has gathered in front of his building. The words "Elmo, Elmo" drift up and Elmo, believing the crowd to be a group of fans wanting him to sign autographs, grabs a pen and begins walking downstairs to the admiring masses. As he reaches the bottom floor and begins walking toward the lobby to unlock the glass entry doors, he sees a very strange sight indeed.
Elmo, seeing that the "fans" that had assembled by his condo were not what he expected, ran to his phone. Having many allies, he quickly gathered a large number of lawyers. he then prepared for a long, hard siege.
The first assault was driven back when the ladder that afew attackers was drenched by boiling sweet.
"Come my friends, let's storm the deck!"
"Were doing it! Were almost there!"
"*Elmo's lawyers drop the boiling sweet(From Elmo's reserve)*"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The mob then offered a cease fire. their demand was that Elmo come to court fully dressed. Will he acept?
Everyone in the large crowd outside Elmo's building appears to be wearing a fur collar. Also, the crowd isn't chanting "Elmo, Elmo" but "Get Elmo!, Get Elmo!". It isn't until he is spotted by the crowd, that Elmo realizes the fur collars are actually weasels and mongooses circling around the necks of each protestor. Suddenly Elmo spots a jolly old man in a red police uniform:
"His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow."
The man looks at Elmo, points and shouts to the crowd;
"Now weasels! now, mongoose! now children and women! On, men! On, boys! , on toddlers and she-men! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash and get Elmo! Now bash him you all!"
The crowd surges towards Elmo. The critters spotting Elmo, turn on their new masters and the crowd turns into a big mass of flailing arms, kicking legs, screeching sounds, and flying fur. Elmo notices the Jolly Old Policemen in the red uniform as:
"He sprang to his horse, to the crowd gave a whistle,
And away they all flew as if Elmo had a pistol.
But Elmo heard him exclaim, ‘ere he raced out of sight,
"No Mas!, No Mas! to all, and I'm retiring tonight!"
"What a peculiar evening this has turned out to be"; Elmo thinks. Later, Elmo writes an almost-famous poem about this event titled: "Twas the night before No Mas" It never really caught on though.
Meanwhile, Teecee (aka. Richard Simmons) having made millions selling his latest dance Video: "Prancing To The Oldies." Decides to retire so he can move back in with his mom.
Mongoose, wasn't so lucky. It appears someone in the crowd that night, called the SPCA (Society For the Prevention Of Cruelty to Animals):
"Mr. Mongoose?"
"M-mmm-M m?" Mongoose replies through the bandages around his head.
"Were with the SPCA and have come to arrest you for your mistreatment of all those poor weasels and mongooses the other night."
"M-mm-MM-MmmM!" Mongoose says angrily, his eyes burning like fire beneath all those layers of bandages.
The men from the SPCA throw a blanket over Mongoose's head, tie it around the top and hoist him over their shoulders and drag him off kicking and "M-mmM"ing.
Zelda, having heard what was goind on, thought it best to stay quiet or suffer the same fate.
I think it is time for Elmo to visit another country.
Meanwhile, Mongoose, after waiting for his fur to grow back, escapes from SPCA.
"Hey, where are you going?"
The guard asked.
"Errr...to the bathroom...in my car"
Said mongoose
"Okay"
Said the guard
*sound of tires screeching on pavement*
"I don't think he is coming back"
Elmo has recently been called to the poor country of "restivahacklyiha" by it's king to help in unconventional warfare against some rebels.
As Elmo boarded the steamer he heard something in the bush's, he assumed it was nothing. He enjoyed a first class seat. Little did he know that a certain weasel was clinging to the belly of the ship, wearing a scuba tank. and little did mongoose know that the steamer was about to head into jellyfish infested waters...
TO BE CONTINUED
EDIT: please tell me what you think, and i will post more ~:cheers:
Elmarkofear
i m zelda12
mongoose
killemall54
teecee
_______________________________________________________________________
ELMO PULLS UP IN HIS LONG BLACK MOUNTAINEER LIMOUSINE
DRIVER OPENS ELMO's DOOR AND ELMO STEPS OUT WAVING TO ALL THE .COM PATRONS
"Hey Elmo that's a nice coat your wearing, is it real fur?"
"Why yes it is! But this is no ordinary fur. This is ancient Roman fur gathered from the backsides of enemy Roman soldiers in the battle of Trebia. Very expensive and quite appropriate for my Elmo Fan Club dinner. It's a $1,000 a plate affair."
"Oh we wish we were you!"
"I know, I know, but luckily you can't be." ELMO RAISES HIS NOSE, SNIFFS AS IF HE SMELLS SOMETHING BAD, AND SNAPS HIS FINGERS
TWO BEAUTIFUL SUPERMODELS CLING TO EACH OF HIS ARMS AS HE STROLLS INTO THE POSH RESTAURANT TO MEET HIS ADORING, RICH FANS
Zelda strides over to the entrance followed by his security force. He sees Elmo striding by with his transexual escorts and racoon skin rug on his shouders.
Zelda snorting walks over to Elmo, "So you decided to arrive did you."
"Fool I am invited to this party stand aside peasent." Elmo says posing for the cameras.
"Well, you would be but I just bought it. So you are banned. Also I just bought the limo rental company the escort agency and the suit rental emporium and Racoon skin works." Retorted Zelda.
Elmo stood back agast before speaking in a quivering voice, "And why would this concern me."
"Well my balifs would like to have a word with you." Said Zelda before beckoning for four men to come forward.
Ten minutes later Elmo was walking back along the road in his boxers.
Elmo strolls dejectedly down the street, in nothing but his boxers, thinking of what could have been and cursing the day Zelda came into his life.
A loud screeching noise is heard coming from inside the exclusive hair salon Elmo had just walked past. Several women come running out the front door of the salon and stare in horror at the poor figure they see in front of them.
"Oh my! Call the ambulance! There must have been a terrible accident! Just look at this poor thing!" They were heard to say.
"Wasn't any accident miss. Zelda done took all my belongings and kicked me out on the street."
"You mean you haven't been in an accident?" says one woman, looking as if she is about to faint.
"No maam."
"You mean you have always looked like this?" another woman asked, wrinkling her nose as if looking at something distasteful.
"Yes, but normally with more clothes on."
"Well, here's $500. Go buy some clothing." she says.
As the women walk away, Elmo hears one of them say; "I would have paid him a lot more to cover up as much of THAT as possible! Almost lost my lunch!"
An idea suddenly pops into Elmo's head.
Running into the nearest Frederich's Of Hollywood store, Elmo buys him some tiny thong bikini briefs. He then goes to the nearest clothing store and buys himself some regular clothing.
Later that day, standing on a crowded street corner, Elmo begins his career as a soon-to-be world famous male stripper.
Zelda sits back in his leather chair smoking one of his huge cigars whilst watching the T.V. He is watching a comedy and thouroughly enjoying it when an emergency bulletin hits the screens.
Behind the Newsman scenes of chaos are being shown on the streets. There are overturned cars and flaming bulidings all around and in the streets mobs of women can be seen waving hand bags and shopping bags over their heads whilst taking on riot police.
"These scenes are live," The newsman saud, "It appears that mobs of women are tearing the city apart in their search for a certain male stripper who began his new career this afternoon. The male stripper has been taken into custody for inciting violence. The estimates for damage are running into millions. And the govenor is quoted as saying that the stripper will be the one to pay back the people of the city."
Just then a picture of the stripper came up.
And Zelda almost choked on his brandy as he was wracked by laughter.
Smoke swirls slowly down the alley in which Elmo ran to get away from the screaming masses. The women, appalled by the blatant display of sexuality before them, had begun to feel urges they had not felt in years: Urges to play "Dress Up".
Hundreds of women had gathered around Elmo as he took his clothing off, in what, (he thought), was a most provocative manner. Next thing he knew, they had begun fighting amongst themselves to be the first one to place clothing and jewelry upon his fine, hairy, sweaty, obese, lump of a masculine body-hood. After picking up all the cash, expensive jewelry, fine clothing, and two 1-900 numbers coming from a pair of siamese twins, Elmo ran away quickly from what was now turning into an angry mob.
As he peeked out from the alley, he noticed a camera crew searching for someone. When they spotted him, they screamed, pointed and ran quickly over to him.
"Are you the stripper that started all this?" One guy, who obviously was a T.V. news reporter, said sticking a big mic in front of Elmo's face.
"Well, errr . . . yeah . . . I guess I am." said Elmo nervously.
"How does it feel to know that your body has excited hundreds of women to violence?" the reporter asked.
"Uh . . well . . I'm sorry?"
"Sorry? No way man! What a great story this is! You're going to be famous! I can see the headlines already: "Male Stripper Excites Hundreds Of Women To Violence As He Displays All!"
As Elmo finished telling his "riches-to-rags-to-riches" story, the Chief of Police ran over and said; "The governor would like to have a word with you".
Elmo followed, and got slowly into the Chief's squad car as the news reporter and cameramen captured all the excitement on camera.
Sirens blaring, the squad car quickly sped off down the crowded street.
******
After watching events unfolding on his television, Zelda realized, too late, that he had just made two BIG mistakes:
One was drinking brandy: (which he had just spilled in his lap).
The second was smoking a cigar: (which he also had dropped into his lap).
A loud "whump" sound issued from the vicinity of Zelda's crotch as his trousers ignited into a flaming inferno.
With flames breaking out all around him, Zelda grabbed the phone and dialed 911. In extreme pain, he realized in horror, there would be no help forthcoming. Every fireman, policeman, and emergency personnel were busy with the riot Elmo's "new job" had caused.
Cursing Elmo's name, Zelda shuffled, as quickly as he could, down the steps and to his car, all the while trying to figure out how he was going to explain this to his mom.
Attorney Killemall gives his card to Zelda and offers to represent him in the civil suit against Elmarko the Stripper because there is a fortune in it. "You see, Zelda, The Elmo stripper admitted proximate cause in writing, the only question is the amount of damages. The more you suffer, the more you will get. See this doctor Munchausen for a review as he is a very concerned old doctor with good trial credentials."
Then he sends his card to ElMarko for the suspected criminal case involving mayhem and riot for inciting women to violence.
He believes he must get the case removed to Federal Court because under the felony laws in Kentucky, it does not look good for the guy in the thong.
There is no conflict of interest because one is against Elmo and the other is for Elmo.
After receiving a business card in the mail from "Don Hollywood", (a high profile, homicide criminal case lawyer, nicknamed "Killemall", who made his fortune in the movie industry), Elmo decides to call him for some legal advice. As Elmo dials the number, he considers how unusual it is for a lawyer to have a 1-900 number as his business's phone address.
**Ring! Ring!**
"Hello, you have reached Don Hollywood, I am not inside you right now, but if you leave your name, phone number and a pair of panties on my front doorstep, I will be touching you very soon."
Elmo, impressed by the confidence Don, aka. Killemall, exudes over the phone, drives to his place in the West Hollywood red-light district. He hangs his incriminating pair of thong briefs on the doorhandle of Killamall's place of business and quickly runs back to his car, before he causes another riot.
Killemall, arrives two hours later and quickly notices, what looks suspiciously like a garotte (used in strangling victims), hanging from his doorknob. Being the fine homicide lawyer he is, "Killemall" decides not to chance contaminating this obviously fine piece of evidence with his fingerprints. Checking his pocket for a pair of surgical gloves, and finding none, Killemall drops to his knees in front of the door and gently pries the "garotte" off of the knob using his teeth. Almost gagging from the stench, he finally manages to place the evidence in a plastic pouch. Smiling, not out of happiness, but for the wish of not allowing the garotte slime on his teeth from finding a permanent home on his lips, Killemall runs inside and brushes his teeth for 30 minutes.
**Ring! Ring!**
"Hello this is Killemall, can I help you?"
"Yes, this is Elmo. I called earlier and decided to drop by and leave my thong briefs on your front door like your phone message said."
"Elmo? Not THE Elmo from the riot downtown the other evening? Not THE big, fat, hairy, sweating slob of a man, who caused all those women to destroy a whole square block of the city? Not THE man whose thong I just . . . . uh . . ." Killemall turns a nice shade of green and begin wretching.
"Yup! That's me! You ok? You don't sound to good."
"Uh . . I'm ok, must be something I ate. Anyways I was looking over your "briefs" and noticed how . . ." Looking closely at what he formerly thought was a garotte, Killemall stammers . . "how damp they are."
"Yeah, the doctors tell me I have a sweating problem. It really chafes me around my buttocks and groin, right where my thong rubs my skin."
Killemall runs to the bathroom and loses his $120 power-lunch he recently digested that afternoon.
Elmo says; "Well, I have to go put some medical ointment on myself now, so I'll wait to hear back from you."
Killemall, wipes his mouth on the sleeve of his $3,000 silk suit and wonders to himself; "WHAT have I gotten myself into now?"
Zelda fumed, and plotted and then getting bored with plotting began to fume once again. He was lying in a hospital bed and fuming. He was wearing a hospital gown and was fuming. He was covered with third degree burns on his john thomas and he was fum...well the three times a day that a nurse had to massage the area with a special moisturiser wasn't too bad, but he was still fuming!
When he was up and about again Elmo would pay, he would pay. Cue manic laughing. Severall minutes later the laughing stopped and Zelda fell asleep dreaming of Elmo bing slowly lowered into a vat of acid....
Meanwhile, Don Hollywood who is used to beautiful women who desire to be starlets, lapses in the langourous delights of servicing such beauties despite the fact they would find him repulsive in real life, if he had not married a more than slightly demented porn star with bad taste in near elderly men. The real Killemall who would never make such choices - nor would he be lucky enough to find such a twisted chick- despite the fact he married the prettiest girl in his town, wonders why he did not make the choices attributed to him and has thoughts that would cause ex-president Jimmy Carter to have a stroke.
Killemall/DonHollywood wonders why he did not marry a porn star because in real life you get cute children who disagree with you at an extremely early age despite your best arguments that you do everything for their best interests despite the fact you play Total War a lot. You start thinking a lot about porn stars because that is more interesting than a six year old accidentally scoring a point in soccer or reading a stupid book about Dick Darling who is helpful to aliens even if you like science fiction.
More and more you wonder how Don Hollywood how found such a good racket and wonder why you didn't think of it. And you decide this will probably be a very temporary post but you make it anyway because you are middle-aged.
After giving up his hope for a large fee-based commission in the Elmo case, and deciding his skills could better be served elsewhere, Killemall goes on to make his fortune in the porn industry, by catering to the fantasies of that mass market of middle age men who are in crisis. He calls his new movie company venture: Stiff Old Timber ("SOT" for short): "Where young starlets find romance with experienced old men."
His first big hit movie is called: "Romancing the Bone" starring Indianapolis Jones.
He quickly follows that with a sexy space adventure called: "Star Whores". The lead in the movie "Hand Solo" goes on to win the coveted "Best Single Performance" award.
Rumor has it he is branching off into the PC Gaming industry and will soon release an expansion for RTW, which will cater to the older, mature gamer. The expansion will be called: "Roman Total War: Bare Barry and Caucasian." No specifics have been given thus far, but it is rumored to be an MP-only game.
Killemall has described the game not as an MMORPG but an MM O-R-G-Y.
The forums are throbbing in anticipation of this one. . . . :D
As zelda opened his eyes he saw he was in a hospital room, full of reporters and lawyers. As soon as he was awake the questions started coming:
"Did you really see elmo before the stripper fiasco?"
"Have you considered legal action?"
"Why do you think elmo started his rampage?"
One lawyer, mongoose.m.mongoose, gave him his card. I'm the founder of p.w.h.b.t.b.o.i.b.e.a.e( people who have been temporally blinded or injured by elmo against elmo). our commercial:
have you lost the will to live because of elmo? have you stabbed your own eyes out just so you would never see it again? come see p.w.h.b.t.b.b.e.a.e, and get the legal aid you need, tell the big elmo you mean business!
Please help me, Mr. Mongoose M. Mongoose!! (said teecee)
I caught one glimpse of Elmo, full monty, and my retina fuzed to my cornea and the image has been permanently burned directly to my optic nerve.
This has caused not only blindness and a nervous twitch but severe weight loss as I have been unable to keep any food down due to the image of Elmo burned onto my optic nerve.
The upside is that I am writing a diet book. I just need to find a ghost writer.
I believe that I have sufficient grounds for a lawsuit against Elmo AND his parents. All of my suffering could have been avoided if his parents had just not procreated.;)
Can you help me Mr. M.M.Mongoose?
That evening, Elmo lounges on the balcony of his brand new lavish (and air-conditioned) luxury penthouse condo, looking out over the city. The daylight soon fades and all is quiet. The lights of city twinkle below, creating a kaleidescope of colors as soft music rises up to greet Elmo's relaxed countenance.
Elmo, glass of expensive wine in hand, hears a knock at the door and rises to greet his visitor. Opening the door, he is suddenly flung down on the ground by a "weasely" looking fellow, in a dark suit. The glass of wine, having been thrown upwards by Elmo at the force of the blow, lands on the stranger's head. Wine soaks the strangers head and hair.
"Are you Elmo?", The stranger asks, angrily wiping at the wine in his eyes.
"Why, yes I am, Mr. Weasel."
"That's "Mongoose" to you pal!" The weasel growls, showing his sharp pointy teeth.
"Here I have something for you!" Mongoose thrusts a piece of paper into Elmo's hand and slowly backs up as Elmo picks himself up off of the floor.
"You might want to go into the bathroom and towel your hair before the wine stains your nice suit." Elmo says.
"Shut up and read the paper!" Mongoose shouts.
"Ok, Mr. Goose."
"That's MONGOOSE!" The stranger's face begins to turn a nice shade of red.
Elmo unfolds the official-looking document and reads it to himself.
"This is a summons to appear before the judge tomorrow, concerning the ad campaign for my line of ultra-revealing "hefty-man" thong briefs."
"That's right, short man. You are in a lot of trouble." Mongoose laughs cruelly as he plops a cigarette into his mouth and reaches into the pocket of his dark suit coat, revealing a shiny lighter, with a ferret emblem wrought in what appears to be 24-carat gold.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr. Monster Goose."
"That's "MONGOOSE!" The weaselly man yells.
"Next thing you will be preaching to me about the hazards of smoking and how it is slowly killing me." He then flicks the lighter and . . . WHOOOMP! Flames spread swiftly up the man's nose and to his wine-soaked hair.
"AAAARGH!" Mongoose drops the lighter and accidentally swallows his cigarette. Slapping at the inferno on his head, he runs out the door into the open elevator, screaming incoherently (probably due to the cigarette caught in his throat).
Elmo, curious, walks back out to the balcony and looks down just in time to see the burning man run out the front door and down the street, with one hand slapping his head and one hand squeezing his throat. Elmo turns back to go inside, imitating the man's gestures, unable to replicate the simultaneous head-slapping, throat-choking movements. He is awed by the man's coordination in doing both movements at the same time.
Upon waking, Zelda realized he was back in the hospital. Two broken arms, both in casts and slings and worse yet, a severe itch in his nether region. He soon found out, to his dismay, the beautiful nurse, who rubbed the ointment on his burns previously, worked a 2nd job. One which consisted of a dark room, a lit stage and a shiny metal pole. Unfortunately for the nurse, and thus for poor Zelda, the joint had failed its last health inspection and he became the host for a large extended family of crabs. To make matters worse, he could not itch himself, since his arms were tied up in slings.
Lying there miserably, feeling sorry for himself, Zelda watches as an orderly wheels in someone on a gurney and places him in the next bed. Zelda, noticing the man's heavily bandaged head, face, and hands, is reminded of the movie "Curse of the Mummy."
"What happened to him?"
The orderly replies; "Severe burn case. We haven't been able to get much detail as to what happened, since he can't talk. The doctor's think it may be a severe allergic reaction to something he ate. He's kind of green. Reminds me of when I was little and swallowed some of my daddy's chewing tobacco.
Teecee I just wrote a long section with you in it and the server went down when I tried to post it and I lost the whole thing. *SIGH* Let's just say you were on the "Oprah" talk show faking at being blind. Oprah promised to raise money for classes to teach dogs to drive, called "driving-eye dogs" for people who are "visually-challenged". You wrote a famous diet book, made a bunch of video workouts, and changed your name to "Richard Simmons".
Your lawyers also cancelled the lawsuits when they found out I was a test tube baby whose parents names were "Pyrex" and "Petri".
A large number of cars were parked at a building near the edge of town. On the side of the building read "p.w.h.b.t.b.b.e.a.e meeting tonight" inside the building the victim's gathered, a man named mongoose mongots mongoose said.
"Hello, im here to talk about recovery from what you saw, hopefully with in a few hours most of you will be able to eat again. Im taking questions now"
"When i open my eyes i see elmo, i see him laughing"
said a woman
"Well, i would not know how to deal with that"
"When ever i try to eat i start thinking about elmo"
Asked another victim
"Err..."
"Do you have answers for any of our problems?"
Asked an angry man
"Well, No. There is only one way. You must take revenge against elmo. Then and only then will you be able to eat and open your eyes again." An angry mob marched out to elmo's condo to seak vengeance, legal or other wise...
How will elmo make it out of this one, what shocking new exploit will the furry little red monkey think of next?
all right, i guess i should keep going.
The angry mob marched through the town, 1/2 of the police joined them. 1/4 just ignored them and the other part tried to stop them.
"YOU ARE UNDER ARREST" Said the police through a a speaker. When they saw that the mob was not going to be stoped that easily, they unleashed the anti riot mongooses.
'KEEEEECCCCHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" They screamed as they charged at the crowd. Just when it looked like all hope was lost, the mob shielded their eyes and raised an Elmo poster. the affect was horrible, the mongooses turned around as if taken by an evil spirit. They routed the police and turned over cars, felling building like a child pick's flowers. The account of one reporter:
"The police are now unleashing some anti-riot mongooses. Looks like the mob is holding something up... OH GOOD GOD! *faints* *slowly get's back up* There turning on the police... the town... OH THE HUMANITY!!!"
mongoose mongoose mongoose watched from the hospital window, grinning as they mob worked there way through the wake of destruction, worked there way to Elmo!
Elmo, still lounging on his balcony sipping yet another glass of extremely rare and expensive wine, looked out upon the city below, thinking of the unusual events of a few nights past. He is considering lighting up an expensive Cuban cigar, but remembers what happened to that poor lad named Zelda, and of course that Weaselly guy who called himself "man goose" or something like that.
Elmo hears a noise and looks down upon the darkened street below, and notices a crowd has gathered in front of his building. The words "Elmo, Elmo" drift up and Elmo, believing the crowd to be a group of fans wanting him to sign autographs, grabs a pen and begins walking downstairs to the admiring masses. As he reaches the bottom floor and begins walking toward the lobby to unlock the glass entry doors, he sees a very strange sight indeed.
Elmo, seeing that the "fans" that had assembled by his condo were not what he expected, ran to his phone. Having many allies, he quickly gathered a large number of lawyers. he then prepared for a long, hard siege.
The first assault was driven back when the ladder that afew attackers was drenched by boiling sweet.
"Come my friends, let's storm the deck!"
"Were doing it! Were almost there!"
"*Elmo's lawyers drop the boiling sweet(From Elmo's reserve)*"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The mob then offered a cease fire. their demand was that Elmo come to court fully dressed. Will he acept?
Everyone in the large crowd outside Elmo's building appears to be wearing a fur collar. Also, the crowd isn't chanting "Elmo, Elmo" but "Get Elmo!, Get Elmo!". It isn't until he is spotted by the crowd, that Elmo realizes the fur collars are actually weasels and mongooses circling around the necks of each protestor. Suddenly Elmo spots a jolly old man in a red police uniform:
"His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow."
The man looks at Elmo, points and shouts to the crowd;
"Now weasels! now, mongoose! now children and women! On, men! On, boys! , on toddlers and she-men! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash and get Elmo! Now bash him you all!"
The crowd surges towards Elmo. The critters spotting Elmo, turn on their new masters and the crowd turns into a big mass of flailing arms, kicking legs, screeching sounds, and flying fur. Elmo notices the Jolly Old Policemen in the red uniform as:
"He sprang to his horse, to the crowd gave a whistle,
And away they all flew as if Elmo had a pistol.
But Elmo heard him exclaim, ‘ere he raced out of sight,
"No Mas!, No Mas! to all, and I'm retiring tonight!"
"What a peculiar evening this has turned out to be"; Elmo thinks. Later, Elmo writes an almost-famous poem about this event titled: "Twas the night before No Mas" It never really caught on though.
Meanwhile, Teecee (aka. Richard Simmons) having made millions selling his latest dance Video: "Prancing To The Oldies." Decides to retire so he can move back in with his mom.
Mongoose, wasn't so lucky. It appears someone in the crowd that night, called the SPCA (Society For the Prevention Of Cruelty to Animals):
"Mr. Mongoose?"
"M-mmm-M m?" Mongoose replies through the bandages around his head.
"Were with the SPCA and have come to arrest you for your mistreatment of all those poor weasels and mongooses the other night."
"M-mm-MM-MmmM!" Mongoose says angrily, his eyes burning like fire beneath all those layers of bandages.
The men from the SPCA throw a blanket over Mongoose's head, tie it around the top and hoist him over their shoulders and drag him off kicking and "M-mmM"ing.
Zelda, having heard what was goind on, thought it best to stay quiet or suffer the same fate.
I think it is time for Elmo to visit another country.
Meanwhile, Mongoose, after waiting for his fur to grow back, escapes from SPCA.
"Hey, where are you going?"
The guard asked.
"Errr...to the bathroom...in my car"
Said mongoose
"Okay"
Said the guard
*sound of tires screeching on pavement*
"I don't think he is coming back"
Elmo has recently been called to the poor country of "restivahacklyiha" by it's king to help in unconventional warfare against some rebels.
As Elmo boarded the steamer he heard something in the bush's, he assumed it was nothing. He enjoyed a first class seat. Little did he know that a certain weasel was clinging to the belly of the ship, wearing a scuba tank. and little did mongoose know that the steamer was about to head into jellyfish infested waters...
TO BE CONTINUED
EDIT: please tell me what you think, and i will post more ~:cheers: