Joke thread

[edyzmedieval]

Title explains everything....

Everyone posts their jokes to bring some flavour to the .org....

[King Henry V]

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly
and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[edyzmedieval]

Come on... Nobody?!

[The Electric Celt]

One for the Brits only unfortunately.....

What do you call a scouser in a white shellsuit?



The Bride!


*The Electric Celt dons armour,straps on shield and awaits the raging hoardes of Merseyside*

[tibilicus]

I don't get it. Let me think about it and get back to you.

[Ja'chyra]

TRUE STORY RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR

You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

And now, the Assignment as submitted by Rebecca & Gary:

Rebecca starts:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed, asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.

"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychologically brutalising the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverise the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.

The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporised Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

Not a joke, but funny

[Kagemusha]

Wife went to the doctors and confessed that she has a major problem with alcohol.The good Doctor asked for details from her problem.She replied:My Husband. ~:cheers:

[Mikeus Caesar]

One for the Brits only unfortunately.....

Heheh, here's another for us Brits:

Q. What do you call a chav with two brain cells?

A. Pregnant.

And another joke, for everyone:

Yo momma's so fat, she went sun-bathing on the beach, and GreenPeace tried to roll her back in the ocean!

[Roark]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only cling-wrap.

The psychiatrist says: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts..."