Amazon.com reviews: Hidden hilarity!

[Divinus Arma]

This has to go in the backroom because of content, though I figured some of you would find the light-hearted spirit welcome in this environment of brooding political misery.

I was shopping on Amazon.com for a weight set and decided I would figure the limits that the site would have to offer: Porn? Machine guns? Real Ultimate Power?

So I decided I would begin my little adventure in the penis-pump aisle. The fact that I would put this informatio here is proof that I, myself, was not in the market for such an item. Anyhow, in doing so, I found something far funnier then the concept of this device: Amazon product reviews.

Here is an example from one patron "G. Smith":



Didn't Live Up to Expectations

When this baby arrived in the mail, I could hardly contain myself as I scampered from my mailbox to my front door. I almost tripped over an abandoned box of Screaming Yellow Zonkers in my wild sprint home, arms flailing in every direction with the package poorly hidden under my shirt from the sight of neighbors.

Getting inside my apartment, I spent about ten minutes struggling to free the pump from its thick plastic packaging, finally liberating it in a mighty wrenching of plastic and cardboard, nearly smacking myself in the eye with its end.

Then I ran to the bathroom in an effort to secure mysel privacy with this new tool.

"PUMP-click"
"PUMP-click"
"PUMP-click"
"PUMP-click"
"What are you doing in there?"
"Uh...I'm just...uh, I'm not doing anything."

Fearful that someone would know what I was up, to I turned on the sink for a good ten minutes, making myself all the more conspicuous. I'll spare you any specifics about the interaction of my anatomy and the pump, but suffice it to say that I had to kind of lean over as I ran back to my room.

It worked, it really worked!

It didn't work. The success diminished at a surprising rate, like air being let out of a car tire, only without the comical "pbplplpplb!" sound. "What had happened?", I asked myself. Dumbfounded, I contacted their customer service department and reached a representative named Helga.

"Hello, this is Helga."
"Hi, Helga. *Pump* I'm having trouble with your *click* product, the...uh, pump. You know *PUMP-click*."
"Are you currently using the device?"
"NO! *click* WHY DO YOU...*cough* why do you ask?"
"Well sir, that product has been recalled, and we don't recommend using it. You need to return it to the place of purchase for a full refund."
"Oh... I... see...*PUMP-click* ow."
"What was that?"
"Nothing. Thanks."

Regardless, I continued using the device in the hopes that my success would be so...successful, that I'd have to start buying bigger pants. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, and no real change has occurred. Because of this, I cannot recommend this product.


LOL

[Divinus Arma]

I looked for more insightful commentary contributed by our forlorn fella and found the following:

G.Smith on Sharpie Black fine-point-tip permanent markers:


Great for Chola Eyebrow Construction!

If you're like me, you pluck every single eyebrow hair from your forehead, then meticulously paint on arched, high, and obviously false eyebrows that give you a look of perpetual surprise. It's a perfect look to complement long, greasy, curled hair, gigantic gold hoop earings, and lipliner that give you that great "I just spent a half hour working the lipstick off my lips by moving them over something cylindrical" kind of look. Before I discovered Sharpies, I would sit in front of the mirror using an eyeliner pencil and a writing compass to draw a perfect semi-circle above each eye in preparation for a long night of taqueria-hopping and driving around in my El Camino, whilst hollering at the cholos. Now, with Sharpies, I can draw on Jack Nicholson-style arches, or Beavis-style zigzag lines in half the time and get back to what's important: looking like a freakin' idiot. Because of this, I can't recomment Sharpies brand permanent markers highly enough.


G. Smith on paperclips and pushpins


Keep Away From British Children

Having just been discharged from the hospital, I felt it necessary and prudent to post a review here and warn Amazon.com customers about this product and its inherent dangers. Now, these thumbtacks look harmless enough -- they're shiny, colorful, and could even be mistaken for candy if you have poor vision and an insatiable oral fixation. But whether you realize it or not, you're actually buying SHARP DEADLY WEAPONS capable of goring large buffalo, even if they were wielded by an asthmatic, British five year old in a wheelchair. Why British? YOU FIGURE IT OUT!

Anyways, I learned all of this the hard way, and when Noel wheeled himself into my office, gasping from having to drag himself back into his wheelchair after I tackled him out of it during a game of touch football, he spotted these tacks on a table and came at me like a bat out of hell, moving half a mile an hour. The next minute and a half consisted of me sitting at my desk, screaming, as I watched him slowly make his way across the room, a lime green thumbtack clutched in his pudgy little mitt. When he finally reached me, I must have fainted, because I awoke in the emergency room with about fifty Band-Aid "dots" covering my torso -- a thumbtack hole underneath each one. Please, make sure and keep these out of the reach of children, otherwise you might endure a similar fate as I.

- Geoffrey Smith, Scarred for Life


This guy is hilarious!

[JAG]

He certainly is, the first review was sabsolutely hilarious though. Brilliant.

[PanzerJaeger]

:laugh4:

[Al Khalifah]

I think the penis-pump company are geniuses. They have invented a product that nobody wants to return!

[Taffy_is_a_Taff]

there's other reveiewers who do excellent work I'll find some and post some if I have time.

Loved what's been posted so far.

[bmolsson]

~;)

[Adrian II]

:laugh4:

More please!

[Taurus]

:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4:

[Divinus Arma]

Here is a couple more:

on Weighlifting Gloves:

As a professional Midget Tosser for the Northern California Midget Tossing League, my hands take plenty of abuse, both from unwilling partners I throw into crowds of surprised bar patrons, to the bar patrons who then angrily and unmercifully beat me with pool cues and whatever painful implements they can find. For the first two years of my career, it never occurred to me to protect my hands. My hands are valuable to me, and I intend to keep them intact for when I retire, and sail the coast of Elbonia.

Boris Prochnov, four-time National Midget Tossing League OOMPA Award winner, and a professional I respect a whole heck of a lot took me aside during a league event, and told me about the gloves he wears during competition. Diamond Tac Weightlifting Gloves. Their unique and strong grip allows me to easily grab onto midget rump with my right hand, and shirt collar with my left, so I can worry about gracefully arcing my swing, and not whether my hand is slipping from buttfatt. The durable and machine-washable glove leather has become more soft and supple with each washing, and even after three midgets attempted to gnaw my hand off, it still looks new.

I couldn't be more happy with these gloves, and I highly recommend them to Midget Tossers everywhere.


On Pringles Potato Chips:


A Fantastic Storage Solution!

The other day I was sitting on my couch, munching stacks of Pringles potato chip snacks, when I received a call from my ex girlfriend. Apparently, after six months of separation, she worked up the nerve to call me -- the last straw in our relationship was when I came home early one day to find three large somoan men, two bowls of guacamole, a Tijuanan Donkey, a case of budweiser, raw ether, uppers, downers, shakers, screamers, and two years worth of TV Guide back issues all piled onto our bed with her in the middle of them. Already aware of the direction our relationship had been heading, I wasn't terribly surprised. While scrubbing guacamole out of the carpet later that
day, I mulled over the situation and decided to end it.

To make a long story short, she left, but her 14 cats remained, without any explanation. Every once in a while, I'd walk through the frontroom or kitchen, and the cats would all stare at me in silent unison, perched in various spots around the apartment. Needless to say, it creeped me out, and after a few days of this I spent most of my time barricaded in my room as I listened to a half dozen cats padding around outside the door. For the next few months, I would climb out my window to avoid the cats by using a rope made of discarded buttrock band t-shirts and damaged network cables, then climb back up it when I'd get home from work or hanging out with friends. I also spent a lot of time at the local pub trying to drink away the images of cats staring at me and the noises of whatever they were planning in the rest of my household.

Then one day, I received that call after six months. She wasn't looking to get back together -- thank god, but she DID want her cats back. She eventually guilted me into agreeing to bring them to her new apartment. I looked around my bedroom and even dared to venture into the rest of the house. I couldn't find anything capable of containing 12 cats (two had somehow escaped and stolen a truck, eventually leading a four hour police chase ending with a dozen casualties). While scouring my place for some sort of storage solution, I dug through piles of junk food and fast food packaging, trying to cobble something together.

Boy, was she surprised when she came the next day to find her twelve remaining cats stuffed into pringle cans, with the cans sitting in three McDonald's cup holder trays.

In conclusion, Pringles are tasty and their cans are useful. I highly recommend them.


Extra Large PAck of #2 Pencils:



Perfect For Rolling in Naked

Seventy-Two pencils. Repeat that with me. SEVENTY TWO NUMBER TWO PENCILS! I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that this was available. After tearing open the packaging, I did what any sane man with 72 pencils would do; I scattered them on the floor, tore off my clothes, and rolled around in them naked while listening to "Funky Town." Finally, a childhood dream is realized thanks to my three dollars and Office Depot.


~D

[Azi Tohak]

Cat-in-a-can...I wonder if it is patented yet? ~;)

Sounds like a great idea to me though.

Azi

[Marcellus]

:laugh4: :laugh4: :laugh4: