Another Article

[Reverend Joe]

I have written another editorial for my newspaper. Again, it isn't finished, so I am very open to suggestion.

(Conservatives beware.)

Armed militas roam the streets. Women buy handguns en masse; not for their homes, but for carrying everywhere – to their children’s school, to work, to the dry cleaners, et cetera, et cetera. Fearful citizens everywhere arm themselves to the teeth, ever wary of the next gang of murderous gunmen to come tearassing through the neighborhood, looking to kill everyone in sight because they don’t worship God the right way, or the next fanatical nut to drive into a building with 47 ½ pounds of TNT strapped to his chest, with the intention of taking down everyone and everything he can, so that someone, somewhere, will be happy that God’s work is being done.

Sounds like the perfect place to “liberate.” Well, it’s a little late for that, because we already liberated them; well over three years ago, in fact. We liberated them with the promise that we will end Saddam Hussein’s reign of terror; that the people will be free of fear; that we will bring democracy to a place that has never known it, to a people that cry out for freedom, to a country ripe for liberation and westernization, and the yellow-brick road of true free market capitalism!

Well over three years later, we are faced with a situation that we once thought was a total catastrophe. Yet now, we see a shining beacon of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel: even though the reign of terror continues, the people have nothing but loathing and disgust for the systems of law and order in their own country, and it is a rare Iraqi indeed who is not gripped by fear, we have accomplished one of our goals: true capitalism is in force. That capitalism has manifested itself in the form of the most popular commodity in the country: guns.

Because of an explosion in the demand of guns, their prices have skyrocketed; the average price for the glock pistol (a handy weapon to have, especially in Iraq, as it can fire even when caked with sand) have risen 30%; the Israeli-made Tariq pistol has seen a 72% rise in its price; grenades (grenades – who doesn’t need one?) have jumped from $50 to $95 apiece; and the price tag on the ever-popular Kalashnikov model 47 (don’t leave home without yours) has jumped an astounding 159%, from $112 to $290. Gun dealers, who are currently small-time as true native corporations have yet to form, are having trouble filling out the huge order list they are receiving; according to one dealer, the incredible increase in demand has forced him to raise prices to keep up.

But, even if it’s guns that seems to be the hot ticket these days, the point still stands that true capitalism is emerging in Iraq. The repressive days of the Baathist regime are over, when your money could be seized at a moment’s notice. Now, wealth is independent of party affiliation; anyone can become rich, especially if he (or she!) can find a way to make money off of the biggest fad in Iraq at the moment, killing thy neighbor because he belongs to the wrong religious sect or, god forbid, he is a rotten Kurd. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, indeed.

Let’s just hope the light isn’t a train coming our way.

[Louis VI the Fat]

Women buy handguns en masse; not for their homes, but for carrying everywhere – to their children’s school, to work, to the dry cleaners, et cetera, et cetera. Fearful citizens everywhere arm themselves to the teeth, ever wary of the next gang of murderous gunmen to come tearassing through the neighborhoodAh, good to hear Iraq is becoming as save as Vermont then...

[Beirut]

Not sure the Backroom is the best place for this.

Your opening statement is, like the last time, too vague and too soft. The reader doesn't know where you are (unless the title says so).

Also, too much funky punctuation too fast, and lose the "et cetera"s. They kill the impact you're looking for. Lose the slash and the semicolon as well. Your first few sentences should carry a clear idea. Keep them simple and straightforward.

You don't need to call them "murderous gunmen", gunmen is enough since most gunmen are murderous. Same with "fanatical nut". Avoid too many cliches and pulsating adverbs and adjectives. They do exactly what you don't want them to do

"47 1/2 pounds of TNT" should be simplified. Takes too long to say and makes the reader question you because it's too precise ("How the hell does he know it's 47 and a 1/2 pounds?) Make it punchier. Try "fifty pounds of high explosive." It sounds better and hits the reader harder. Lose the weight altogether if you want, try "wearing high explosives strapped to his chest." Choosing what to leave to the reader's imagination takes practice but it's worth the effort.

You've got them by the eyeballs for the duration of your article. Write tight. Hit hard. Make the facts descriptive enough to avoid needing adjectives. Be punchy. Be bold. You're not suggesting anything to the reader - you're telling them.

And remember the Golden Rule: Every writer is only allowed to use three exclamation points in his life. Use them well. (And never start a sentence with "and". BKS will smack you.)

[Divinus Arma]

Good read. I enjoyed it. (really. I did.)

*Warning- Conservative Viewpoint Destroying Liberal Elitism:
Maybe you could elaborate on your glaringly obvious contempt for the Iraqi people and their ability to self-govern. You should point out that they are incapable of understanding democracy and that they are too stupid and backwards to join the ranks of peaceful western intellects like yourself. Perhaps you should could suggest that they would be better off if they gave power to a small group of people who would benevolently make decisions for them. That way, they could trade freedom for security.

It seems that optimism is not in the liberal vocabulary. It's all doom and gloom with you people isn't it? The rainbow ends in a toilet filled with brown gold. The glass is not only half-empty, but it is decreasing in volume with every sip. It has been so in the past, and it remains true now: What is bad for America is good for the Democrats.