View Full Version : In Times of War You Know You're Screwed When...
... your archers run out of ammo and start firing body bits of fallen comrades.
(Keep it going... :2thumbsup: )
Sir Chauncy
08-24-2006, 12:50
... the most powerful thing in your amoury is strong language and the smell of the food that went off last week.
Yeah, that's the spirit.
... when you lead the charge against the enemy and you look back and only your personal guard is following you.
...when you're knights meet Bazooka troops.
Conradus
08-24-2006, 16:09
you're besieging a city with only horsemen and come to the conclusion that your riders can't dismount :wall:
or if it doesn't have to be RTW :p
... when you have the best fortress in the world only to notice you've forgotten to shut the backdoor.
Silver Rusher
08-24-2006, 16:21
...your sacred band is refusing to come out of the camp because the other soldiers are being homophobic.
you realise you mistakingly took a sleeping pill instead of :sleeping:
Avicenna
08-24-2006, 16:32
... when you're facing an angry lumberjack with his big axe.
macsen rufus
08-24-2006, 16:47
... when you lead the charge against the enemy and you look back and only your personal guard is .... "No, no. Guys, THIS way... oi where are you going? COME BACK!!!!"
the Sergeant notices a tiny black spot on your uniform...
Your siege engineers forget to bring ammo.
... you discover your naptha throwers ate beans and franks for breakfast.
... you hear your men discussing a new game called "frag the lieutenant" ...
Silver Rusher
08-24-2006, 22:59
...the US army shows up.
... when you are captured by the Sacred Band. :eeeek:
The Spartan (Returns)
08-25-2006, 02:30
you are the only one yelling and grunting when fighting....
Sir Chauncy
08-25-2006, 20:25
... when despite having the shiniest breast plates and the stabiest swords the "elite kings cavalry" are losing against a unit of cockroaches with bad breath.
Divine Wind
08-25-2006, 20:58
....from the woods you hear the sacred words....
Niii! Niiii!
GodWillsIt
08-25-2006, 21:01
... when you lead the charge against the enemy and you look back and only your personal guard is following you.
ah, the famous French charge:laugh4:
Don Corleone
08-25-2006, 21:21
.... you keep asking yourself 'where are their cavalry... where are their cavalry'... and a plume of dust behind you fills you with the cold dreadful realization....
Yeah, that's the spirit.
... when you lead the charge against the enemy and you look back and only your personal guard is following you.
I would have thought it was when you lead the charge against the enemy and look back to find that even your personal guard isn't following you.
everyone else runs away but you....:oops:
you find out to late that your second in command is afraid of large crowds.
.... when your armour manufacture calls for a product recall.
.... when you just remembered that you didn't pay your army two weeks ago.
.... when, due to financial cutbacks, you are forced to eat peasants whilst campaigning.
.... when your army of elephants go by a mouse hole.
EightDeer
08-26-2006, 14:19
...you see a Byzantine prince.
The Spartan (Returns)
08-26-2006, 14:22
Welcome EightDeer!
when your steel armor falls off.
Lurker on the Threshold
08-26-2006, 16:58
When the only sound from your calvalry charge is your own horses hooves.
When your elephants turn around...
The Stranger
08-26-2006, 17:51
when you find out the peace treaty was signed a day ago and you just hired an angry band of barbarian merc's and you just happen to be the only rich roman around
Due to miscommunication your guns are taken away and you're told to charge the enemies artillery.
Snite
Forward the six hundred
The Spartan (Returns)
08-26-2006, 18:37
welcome Snite!
When Divinus Arma (aka Eclectic) hands you your inspirational speech (https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showthread.php?t=67978).
The master of your supply wagons says "Armour! What armour?"
Your charging the enemy line and the only thought in your head is Did I remember to put out the cook fire in my tent this morning?
Samurai Waki
08-27-2006, 01:07
... when your soldiers forget which part of the spear is the pointy end
.... when you discover that the horses can't handle weight.
.... when the senate finds out you've been sleeping with his wife.
.... when the blacksmith says that the armour is supposed to do that.
.... when you read the book on battles and it only explains the use of scare tactics.
.... when the Pope decides to Crusade 'through' your land.
Somebody Else
08-27-2006, 04:34
...when your air support has USAF scrawled on it.
...when enemy air support has USAF scrawled on it. (well, they do kinda level everything...)
...when you've just been ordered to retreat from Kabul.
...your general introduces himself as Publius Quinctilius Varus.
...your general introduces himself as Publius Quinctilius Varus.
I think that is rather unfair. Varus had a good record of duty in Syria, which must have included some campaining, before he was defeated in Teutoberger Forrest, and there he was confronted with an entirely unexpected full-scale rebellion and the betrayal of his local allies. Nobody seems to have expected this, so it is unfair the blame Varus for not taking precautions.
You know you are screwed when...
... You are marching on Moscow and your name isn't Ghengis Khan.
r johnson
08-27-2006, 13:40
...your reserves have left for lunch.
...your general has gone on a long holiday
...when Lady Frog wrote the strategy guide for the enemy.
Celtic_Guardian
08-27-2006, 15:37
...........You you have an army the AI made
When you say "I am only patrolling, and there are coming 5000 enemy troops"
The Stranger
08-27-2006, 18:54
when you are in the Russian Army:
When you slept with the commisars sister
When you forgot your ammo in the camp and have to pass a commisar to get it
...when your weapons say made by Toy's R Us
...when you charge your cav into macedonian phalanx
...when you face RTW Vanilla Archers
...When you face a band of Beirut in open field
...When youre near Dev Dave (that is always bad)
...When DA who was supposed to back you up gets drunk. and youre about to invade a hostile warehouse and he screams WE ARE HERE, WHOS GOING TO ORDER ME A SHOT
The Spartan (Returns)
08-27-2006, 19:39
simple!
when your general is drunk like Wardo's friend (https://forums.totalwar.org/vb/showthread.php?t=68457).
when Abokasee is in charge of relaying your orders.
Marshal Murat
08-28-2006, 02:14
You join the Russian Army.
Your squadmate asks "How long is a grenade fuse?"
Your superior says "It'll be a cake-walk."
Your superior says "Intelligence reports low-quality troops"
Your superior says "Mission accomplished!":2thumbsup:
You ask for artillery support and they reply "This is logistics, son"
You ask for covering fire and your squad replies "We don't have matches"
You ask for a flame-thrower and one man smirks.
The smirking man was in the circus.
Mithrandir
08-28-2006, 16:34
You're the last one to take one step back when the officers are asking for a volunteer...
The Stranger
08-28-2006, 22:15
when the army is making cuts... cuts on ammo and heating...
when the army sends you anti-freeze suits while you are in the jungle...
...when your unit of arcanii stop stalking the enemy general and start snacking on your (nicely roasted) flaming war pigs.
... when Mithrandir gives you his all-purpose army list (camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels camels ) and you meet a schiltrom.
... when you have a nice army made of Arcani, Wardogs and Flaming Pigs and then convert to EB.
When your protecting a hilltop from the Egyptians and once the battle starts it turns out your facing the wrong way (somehow I've actually done this). It is quite the suprise.
When The Grand Mufti: Orb is considered your most loyal ally.
the general says: "Well, we forgot to bring the elephants, but I've got this elephant outfit here that will just fit YOU"
satchef1
08-29-2006, 17:46
...you have the whole of western europe + asia minor and are winning against the catholics, then the Mongols turn up
Conradus
08-29-2006, 22:09
... you retreat into your castle just to notice the enemy has invented gunpowder.
satchef1
08-30-2006, 20:59
...the other side hired Chuck Norris
Dutch_guy
08-30-2006, 21:11
...the other side hired Chuck Norris
:skull:
:balloon2:
Silver Rusher
08-30-2006, 21:17
when Abokasee is in charge of relaying your orders.
Good one!
When you are told not to worry about walking into that burning city: your uniforms are inflammable.
… you're outnumbered by the Germans 3 to 1, and the German King offers his 'lovely' daughter, Princess 'BiggenHipsen' to you in holy matrimony as a way to avert the battle.:ahh:
("Uhhhh... I'd rather you just stick me with your sword.")
Celtic_Guardian
08-30-2006, 23:35
When the other side has Mel Gibson
Augustus Lucifer
08-31-2006, 02:45
...you sally forth and realize you left the keys to the gate in your other toga. DOH!
... well, I think that this topic's dead. -_-
*Rubs hands together*
m52nickerson
09-03-2006, 01:52
......you chase your routing enemy across the field only to realize, oh they still have reinforcements.
Your enemy chase you across the field only to realise, oh, you don't have reinforcments.
m52nickerson
09-03-2006, 02:31
......you chase the enemy across the field only to realize than, oh they weren't routing.
You are in the middle in the battlefield, and you joins the enemy
You are in the middle of the battle-field and everyone else joins the enemy.
...when everything around you turns white. Then you feel this burning sensation.
You :hide:
The enemy found you, and you say.I'm a spy
In Times of War You Know You're Screwed When...
the guy on your left answers to 'Mary', and the guy on your right is busy straightening the seams in his stockings.
the guy on your left hollars: "Call For Fire!"; the guy on your right mumbles: "Battery's dead".
Augustus Lucifer
09-03-2006, 08:05
...you realize that you forgot to feed your 3 wardogs this morning and that white stuff isn't marshmellows.
...you're aimlessly plowing your field when 500 cavalry come riding through and shaking your fist doesn't stop them.
...the boiling oil was mounted on the wrong side of the wall.
...you remember that it was the garrison leader's birthday yesterday and everyone is wasted and not at their post.
...just as your line charges to meet the enemy you hear a high-pitched wail. It's yours and the enemy general's wife calling for a stop to the battle and saying you're in big trouble this time. Both armies rout. :sweatdrop: Sorry honey.
The Stranger
09-03-2006, 13:06
when you are in the middle of a 1 vs 1 fight just to realize your little boy switched his weapons for yours...
when your wife put your armour in the laundry and it shrunk.
when some kind of prankster switched your ammo for blanks
when your arrows work like boomerangs
when you face the Spamknights of Dot-Orgus
satchef1
09-03-2006, 15:11
...when The Army Of The Dead (LotR) show up
The Spartan (Returns)
09-03-2006, 17:15
you meet me in battle.
:laugh4:
...those new archers you dispatched for weeks ago have finally arrived, accompanied by their seeing eye dogs.
...your opponents cavalry consists of the finest quality of stallions, and your’s are all mares in heat.
Ignoramus
09-04-2006, 07:40
...your men ask, "What's a sword?
...you're out of money.
...your wooden palisade is eaten by termites.
ajaxfetish
09-05-2006, 03:04
. . . when you get involved in a land war in Asia.
*slightly less well-known* . . . when you go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
Ajax
Incongruous
09-05-2006, 03:26
The enemies only unit is CHUCK NORRIS!
][GERUDO][Mojoman
09-05-2006, 07:49
...you realise that the enemy general has "][GERUDO][" in front of his name
...your soldiers run out.
...the enemy are all speaking in american accents and your army are all speaking in german/upper class english accents.
...the enemy are wearing dark glasses and black suits.
...the cops show up.
...one of your generals is christopher lee.
The only defense you have is to make your lance weilding cavalry charge against Panzers steamrolling their way accross your border:dizzy2:
...when your letters from the front carry the postmark "Verdun"
Augustus Lucifer
09-05-2006, 17:09
...Your blacksmith's are on strike and the government has turned in favor of the economically friendly paper swords.
...Due to budget cuts your chariots wheels have been pawned for booze.
...you're raised on your men's shoulders on what you think is a victory celebration, but you have a funny feeling about the shovels in their hands and the big hole you're moving towards.
...you turn to face your army to rally them and then your horse takes off. Maybe riding backwards wasn't such a good idea.
Crazed Rabbit
09-05-2006, 20:23
You go into your soldier's barracks and see a sign that says
"The pointy end goes this way!"
with a picture of a spear.
Crazed Rabbit
All your soldiers are too busy playing MTW... :wall:
OR
When the opposing army is led by the LAPD :furious3:
Better get your riot gear boys
Incongruous
09-05-2006, 23:05
"Well, No one even bothered to tell me about it!"
The Blind Samurai
09-06-2006, 03:39
when the enemy bring out two handers and jaguar warriors and you warrior go :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: and run
m52nickerson
09-06-2006, 04:01
...........you find your arches playing cards for arrows.
...........you find you now have plenty of foot knight, because you had to eat the horses.
...........you refer to the slack jawed, sloped forehead guy in the corner as, SIR.
...you decide to withdraw to your castle, and find out that you don't have any...
The Stranger
09-06-2006, 20:09
when your soldiers start to wonder why they should march into death because the moron in charge orders them too...
Mithrandir
09-06-2006, 22:26
...when you face off against an Org Moderator with a dancing lock.
http://209.85.48.12/3488/173/emo/dancinglock.gif
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