Crazed Rabbit
09-21-2006, 20:31
As it turns out, there is a new safety threat at Los Alamos (think manhattan project). Luckily, the HR-SVSCTR has already taken steps to reduce the terrible risk this threat poses to America:
I work at a major government laboratory where the motto is "The world's greatest science, protecting America". I am writing to you today about an urgent matter of national security. It isn't alternative energy or nuke detectors at our ports - it's SAFETY ON STAIRS.
On the way up to the cafeteria, I touched the stair handrail without even thinking about it. Two young, eager office toadies greeted me at the top. They gave me a candy bar with an important public service message attached: "SOS- SAFETY ON STAIRS. HR DIVISION THANKS YOU FOR USING THE HANDRAILS!!"
This seems like a misguided joke. What are the odds that the candy bar might make my heart explode? How many people scratched their butts before touching the handrail which I touched before touching my pizza? I can't balance the infinite microscopic risks - they boggle my mind! I demand a focus group. I want experts with $100,000 taxpayer-financed salaries to come up with a thousand new rules to protect me from myself.
Actually, in trying to control all the little risks, we fall to the biggest risks: losing perspective and losing our edge. The Department of Energy already burdens the labs with so many beaurocratic distractions that it hinders our mission of protecting America. What's next - will we have to get "stair safety certification training" before we can work on those shipping container scanners?
Nathan Currier
From the best source of news on earth: Dave Barry's blog (http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/)
The nannie's celebrate themselves (official Las Alamos site):
http://www.lanl.gov/news/index.php?fuseaction=nb.story&story_id=8915&nb_date=2006-09-01
I'm glad we're focusing on the real issues and dangers for once instead of rational thought about which hazards are worth worrying about and the marginal gain from trying to prevent them.
Edit: A funny comment in the comments section:
"What's next - will we have to get "stair safety certification training" before we can work on those shipping container scanners?"
You can bet that some pointy-headed weasels are working on a training program right now, in several languages but also in pictures so you won't have to be able to read any of them and a whole separate-but-equal program for the "differently abled" and then we'll have to retrofit a couple of thousand government buildings a cost of billions because it will be discovered that none of them comply with the federally mandated 6 1/2" maximum riser height using only environmentally friendly materials (straw) that has been treated with chemicals to make it non-combustible which will turn out to cause cancer in lab rats and will have to be abated by men in space suits following OSHA guidelines and making a "prevailing wage" and then replaced with ramps which take up eight times the space of staircases, which will cost more billions and will be made out of dirt with grass growing on them and then mold will start growing on the railings BANG!
Crazed Rabbit
I work at a major government laboratory where the motto is "The world's greatest science, protecting America". I am writing to you today about an urgent matter of national security. It isn't alternative energy or nuke detectors at our ports - it's SAFETY ON STAIRS.
On the way up to the cafeteria, I touched the stair handrail without even thinking about it. Two young, eager office toadies greeted me at the top. They gave me a candy bar with an important public service message attached: "SOS- SAFETY ON STAIRS. HR DIVISION THANKS YOU FOR USING THE HANDRAILS!!"
This seems like a misguided joke. What are the odds that the candy bar might make my heart explode? How many people scratched their butts before touching the handrail which I touched before touching my pizza? I can't balance the infinite microscopic risks - they boggle my mind! I demand a focus group. I want experts with $100,000 taxpayer-financed salaries to come up with a thousand new rules to protect me from myself.
Actually, in trying to control all the little risks, we fall to the biggest risks: losing perspective and losing our edge. The Department of Energy already burdens the labs with so many beaurocratic distractions that it hinders our mission of protecting America. What's next - will we have to get "stair safety certification training" before we can work on those shipping container scanners?
Nathan Currier
From the best source of news on earth: Dave Barry's blog (http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/)
The nannie's celebrate themselves (official Las Alamos site):
http://www.lanl.gov/news/index.php?fuseaction=nb.story&story_id=8915&nb_date=2006-09-01
I'm glad we're focusing on the real issues and dangers for once instead of rational thought about which hazards are worth worrying about and the marginal gain from trying to prevent them.
Edit: A funny comment in the comments section:
"What's next - will we have to get "stair safety certification training" before we can work on those shipping container scanners?"
You can bet that some pointy-headed weasels are working on a training program right now, in several languages but also in pictures so you won't have to be able to read any of them and a whole separate-but-equal program for the "differently abled" and then we'll have to retrofit a couple of thousand government buildings a cost of billions because it will be discovered that none of them comply with the federally mandated 6 1/2" maximum riser height using only environmentally friendly materials (straw) that has been treated with chemicals to make it non-combustible which will turn out to cause cancer in lab rats and will have to be abated by men in space suits following OSHA guidelines and making a "prevailing wage" and then replaced with ramps which take up eight times the space of staircases, which will cost more billions and will be made out of dirt with grass growing on them and then mold will start growing on the railings BANG!
Crazed Rabbit