Corporate Emails

[Sasaki Kojiro]

These are from a while ago, but I just found them. They're great.


Email to BMW

From: Me
Sent: 25 October 2005 16:05
To: xxx@bmw.co.uk
Subject: My New Car
Dear BMW, I come to you in not just my hour of need, but also the hour of need of my local town, Fareham. Fareham is a mid size town that recently has been taken over with crime. police were unable (or possibly unwilling?) to stop the crimes that happened here and so the city started to fall into a dark slump. From out of the ashes of Fareham's wasted youth came a hero, one man who would stand for justice, who would not stop until the wrongs of the world had been set right, and who wanted to get some pretty hot women. That man's name was "Awesomeness Man", that man is me.
"Your a friggin Super Hero Dan, why would you need our help?" you may be asking, well the problem is this. I don't have a car at the moment, and I don't know if you've ever tried saving a town using nothing but public transport, but let me tell you, it's slow (some times not even arriving), boring, vulnerable and not really "striking fear into the heart of evil". To this end I ask you, BMW, to "hook a brother up" here and sort me out a nice car.
Now this may seem a small task to you (it's just one car right), however I must put a burden on you to add some things to the car (unfortunately I can't currently provide them myself due to cash flow issues), these will be imperative to both my safety and setting the right image (one of fear into the heart of my enemies), thus please let me know if you can do me the following:
*A big boot to keep my super gear in
*A LARGE net that can be shot at villains deployable surface to surface/air missiles
*Deployable caltrops/ nails
*Can holders
*Reclinable (leather?) seats
*Electric, bulletproof, missile proof, windows
*A grappling hook
*Alloy wheels
*Machine gun mountings on the side
*12 months insurance
*12 months road tax
*Puncture proof tyres
OK now I don't care about the model type but the car could really do with being jet black with a metallic paint job and possibly some sort of logo on the side for me.
Well let me know what you can work out on this and once I get a mysterious yet rich benefactor I can sort you guys out nicely.
Thanks for now,
Dan / Awesomeness Man
Email From BMW

Dear Awesomeness Man,
Thank you for your email dated October 25, 2005 with regards to your fight against the spread of evil.
We can confirm that BMW now offer a range of crime busting vehicles which can be purchased on finance agreements that even a Super Hero with modest resources and benefactors would be able to afford. We would suggest that it would be worthwhile to discuss this in greater detail with a Sales Vigilante at your local Approved BMW Dealership. From our records we believe this to be Snows of Portsmouth who are available via telephone number: XXX-XXX-XXXX
In respect of the requirements you refer to for your BMW we are pleased to be able to confirm that our cars are now predominantly supplied with run-flat tyres fitted to them, which whilst not being puncture proof, are able to be driven on in the event of a puncture until safety can be reached. We also offer a range of high security options and vehicles to help ensure that your missions can be successfully completed, further information on this is available through our dedicated website (www.bmw-ids.com (http://www.somethingawful.com/www.bmw-ids.com)). You may be interested to learn that one of our Touring models has enough boot space for an entire gang of captured villains to be transported about in and alloy wheels, cup holders and leather seats are commonly available across the BMW range.
We hope that this information has been of some assistance to you and that you are successful in your continuing fight against crime.
Kind regards
Steven Woolhouse
Customer Service Executive
BMW UK
Email Back To BMW

Sent: 28 October 2005 10:22
To: xxx@xxx.com
Subject: FAO Steven Woolhouse Re: My New Car
Steven, by Zeus's beard that is a most generous offer and I thank you for it. Though I may be a hero to the people of Fareham it is on this, one of my darkest days that I realise YOU, BMW, are in fact heroes to me.
I will indeed look at contacting Snows of Portsmouth however I ask you make them aware of my needs first, as this is a confidential matter and I would like them to convey this in their demeanour.
I have given this some thought, and whilst perched atop a tall building last night over looking the town looking absolutely heroic I decided that not only can you help me by supplying me with a vehicle of heroic proportions, you can also help me in another way. Have you ever considered Another career choice by night Steven? No not one of THOSE night jobs.. I mean have you ever considered being a sidekick.
Sidekicks to heroes have their own insurance program, union and also special dentist programs. Aside from the obvious merits of saving peoples lives you get the option of living with your chosen hero (sadly at the moment I only really have the garden shed free... but it will be renamed "THE SHED OF FREEDOM!!" while you stay there and we can put my Flinstones sleeping bag out for you). With this you get up to 3 months sick pay as well in case of injuries etc.
Steven I must also warn you as I have become aware of one of my nemesis's/nemesi(?) contacting you about a car. Do not deal with this man as he is not a nice person and not worthy of driving one of your masterpiece vehicles. I am also advised he has a bad credit history and said bad things about BMW once.
I anxiously await your response to this offer, though understand it may take a few days to leave behind your job, family and previous life to dedicate yourself to fighting the evils of villainy where ever it may raise its evil, slightly oddly shaped head.
Regards
Awesomeness Man
P.S. Please let me know what sidekick name you'd like so I can look at getting stickers and badges done.
Final Email From BMW

From: xxx@xxx.com
To: Me
Sent: Friday, October 28, 2005 12:10 PM
Subject: FW: My New Car
Dear Awesomeness Man,
Thank you for your latest email dated October 28, 2005 with regards to the awesome-mobile.
Whilst I would like to thank you for your kind offer I unfortunately must decline as, on top of finding lycra suits sweaty and itchy, I do not have the kind of physique that suits lycra and would therefore would not be striking fear into the heart of anyone other than possibly a weight watchers coordinator.
I can however reassure you that we will not be supplying any vehicles to anyone masterminding an international crime syndicate.
Kind regards
Steven Woolhouse
Customer Service Executive
BMW UK Ltd


____________________________________________________

Email to AXE/LYNX

Dear Lynx,
I write to you now with a major friggin problem, I am locked in a building with hundreds, maybe thousands of women outside, watching me, screaming at me, waiting for me....
It all started when I saw your "spray more, get more" type adverts around and I mentioned to my friend Oli "dude that’s such a load of junk, I bet you could spray as much as you wanted on and it would have no effect at all psssshhhh". As I look back on this now I realise the horrific irony and danger that this one sentence caused. You see from there Oli challenged me to put my money where my mouth is and prove it, and thus I did.
On payday I bought 4 cans of Lynx, two for each arm pit and proceeded to apply them, liberally, all over my self until I had used all of the lynx, I then passed out from the fumes as soon as I took the gas mask off. This was not cool.
2 days later when I came round the smell had worn off a bit, however my front room still reeked of the stuff. I left my house to meet my friends down the pub and at first the cloud of lynx that surrounded me seemed to put women off, however as the wind blew (as it tends to here in breezy November) the cloud dissipated and the women started coming. At first it was just 2 or 3, but as I entered the pub to meet some friends I was suddenly surged by women, some even clawing others out of the way to talk to me. Realising the dangers I tried to get out of the pub but was blocked in, as I went to leave out the back door, I started at a light jog down the slope to the wheel chair friendly door and suddenly the door to the ladies was flung open and a rather large woman (who seemed excitable) came running at me. She must have tripped or something but suddenly she was rolling at me down the slope. Picture if you Indiana Jones running from a boulder and you have an idea of my situation.
Upon exiting the pub with my "door wedge in place" I ran like a crazed man as more and more women picked up my trail. Like a ghetto pimp version of the pied pipe of Hamlet I ran with them chasing me to my place of work (where I am luckily a key holder), locked and bolted the door and closed all the windows, and thus I have sat here, for 3 days now.
Thanks a lot Lynx, now women are looking to tear me to pieces, my front room stinks of lynx and will for the rest of my life and I am going to be arrested for breaking into our (rather badly stocked) vending machine to get some food, so thanks then.. I hope your happy with yourselves.
P.S. Can I have a few cans more for the Christmas holiday?
Email From AXE/LYNX

Dear Dan
Thank you for your recent cry for help. If you are really scared, I would get in the shower and have a really good scrub. Don't use the Lynx Shower Gel because all of the women will still smell it and it won't help.
If you can't get access to a shower, I would find a toilet with a sink and strip off and have a wash that way. Use Dove if you can because it doesn't attract women. Also, make sure you lock the door in the toilet and don't let any of the women see you go in because if they see you getting naked, you could cause a riot.
So Dan, good luck and send me your address and I will send you some vouchers if you promise not to over do it on the Lynx again.
If I don't hear from you before I go home (4:30), I will assume you have been caught by the women so let me know how you get on.
Kind regards
Lisa Taylor
Lynx Advisor

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

:laugh4:

[Zalmoxis]

That's a great read, anyone have any other ideas on sending these type of e-mails?

[AntiochusIII]

Is that real?

:laugh4:

[Kongamato]

Only in Britain...

[Andres]

Love it :laugh4:

[pevergreen]

Use dove, it doesnt attract women!

[Sasaki Kojiro]

These are real.

To Ben and Jerry's:

Dear Ice-Cream Makers

I thought I should write to you to advise you of a remarkable discovery I made recently concerning your excellent range of ice cream. During a family picnic in the Lake District I was enjoying my customary 'Oh My Apple Pie' flavour ice cream when I accidentally spilt a little onto the cloth upon which we were enjoying our lunch. I was, at the time, completely unaware of this incident, however a few moments later my wife (whom I shall call 'Tallulah', although her actual name is Hilary) noticed a large bumble bee obviously enjoying the sweet appley taste of the errant drop of ice cream. I was quite surprised and delighted - as you are no doubt aware the bumble bee population of Britain is currently on the decline.

I immediately wondered if your other products would prove so tasty to the visiting bee, and with the help of Tallulah and my two daughters I assembled a small 'taste test' atop a handy tupperware container. We were fortunate enough to have also been in possession of both a 'Phish Food' and a 'Cookie Dough' tub. I can reveal to you that not only did the bee tuck into the Phish-food ice cream with a zest rarely seen outside Scarborough these days, but another bee arrived to join the fun! As to whether the two bees were related I obviously cannot speculate. However, I must report to you that neither bee seemed as interested in the Cookie Dough flavour as in the delicious apple and phish-food varieties.

As a keen environmentalist I wonder if you have any information regarding which of your other products are most likely to be agreeable to the bumble bee, and if you are are aware of any possible harmful effects of sharing my ice cream with these miniature marvels of biological engineering?

Thank you for your kind attention. I attach a postal address in case you prefer not to communicate via email.

Yours faithfully

Demian

________________

Hi Demian,

Thanks for your e-mail.

I was very interested to learn that bumble bees up in the Lake District enjoyed our Oh My! Apple Pie and Phish Food flavour ice cream. I wonder why they were not so keen on the Cookie Dough although I guess like us humans, not every flavour will be to their liking!

I must confess that we do not normally test our ice cream on bumble bees so I would not be able to tell you if they are keen on any other flavours in our range although it sounds like you may have fun finding out! Also, I'm afraid I can't comment on whether ice cream is suitable for a bumble bee diet although I suspect not in large helpings!

Thanks very much for sharing your story with us, I hope you will be fans of Ben & Jerry's for many years to come.

Best regards,

**********
Ben & Jerry's

____________________________________________

Dear Coca-Cola,

As my e-mail address will no doubt verify, I am currently a student at
Southern Connecticut State University, majoring in chemistry. Impirical
science has always been an interest of mine, and so chemistry was a
natural choice. It is this very love for the logic of the hard sciences
and respectful awe of the simple philosophy of cause and effect that
have driven me nearly mad. All these things and Coca-Cola.

Let me further explain myself. Earlier in the Fall 2006 semester I
began doing work on your product for my senior thesis; I was trying to
find Coke's "secret" ingredient. I tried nearly every chemical, natural
and artificial, that I had at my disposal. I slept barely four hours a
night opting instead to work, but still the recipe eluded me. It became
clear I had begun the search for chemistry's Holy Grail. I began doing
research into the use of love as an ingredient, after remembering
something my mother had told me about her home-made cookies. I spent
weeks synthesyzing a liquid for the abstract emotion, though this
was a cake walk compared to the task for which I was making it in the
first place. I thought I had finally done it, putting love in tonic
water made a cola as sweet and dizzying as the best glass bottle Coke
anyone has ever had. After a while though the love-cola became bitter
and flat, an eventuality I should have considered. Again I had failed.
I began going mad. I became wiry and unkempt, shunning those I love and destroying
old relationships. Every obsessed sceintist cliche became more and more
a part of who I was, and indeed who I am now. Despite all this I still
have not succeded, still I do not know Coke's secret ingredient. I beg
of you, Coke, let me have it! I will tell no one, I swear! For the sake
of decency, my sanity, and for the love of god my HUMANITY, you must
tell me!



Respectfully yours,

Peter M. Cunningham

______________

Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company, Mr. Cunningham. We
appreciate your interest in our Company.

As much as we would like to answer your specific inquiry about our
secret formula, we are not able to comment on matters relating to the
formula, which is one of our most valuable assets. Even though
Coca-Cola has been analyzed many times, its flavor complexity is such
that it is virtually impossible to identify its ingredients in their
appropriate proportions.

I hope this information is helpful. If you have additional questions
or comments, please visit our website again.

Sherry
The Coca-Cola Company
Industry and Consumer Affairs


_________________________________

I do not have a comment or complaint about the wait staff at the McDonalds location I was forced against my will to input thanks to your web code, but rather the vile poetry I was subjected to read during my brief stay during my deuce dropping at your establishment. Enscrawled onto the otherwise lovely red painted metallic stall doors was a limerick I would be embarassed to hear at a rap concert. Without going into specifics it referred to a persons dissapointment in his or her (this was a unisex lavatorium) attempt to produce a solid defecation but rather deposited a flatulence related gas. Though this lyric was indeed clever and did in fact rhyme, I feel it is somewhat strange McDonalds would purchase bathroom stalls with these types of ballads enscribed on them.

Please use better judgment in the future! Thank you.
-Reginald

________

Hello Reginald:



Thank you for taking the time to contact McDonald's Customer Service Center to bring your recent experience to our attention.

First, I hope you will accept my sincere apology for your disappointment in McDonald's. I can assure you that we want you to be completely satisfied every time you visit one of our restaurants.

Because most McDonald's restaurants are independently owned and operated, I have forwarded your comments to the franchise owner or local representative for follow up at the restaurant. Please be assured that your comments will be investigated and, if appropriate, corrective action will be taken.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact McDonald's Customer Service Center and giving us the opportunity to address your concerns. Customer feedback is very important to us as it helps us improve.

Jermaine
McDonald's Customer Response Center


meh, form letter responses these last two. First letters are funny though.

[Kongamato]

Here is a similar type of humor page. This guy sends strange application letters to companies with job openings. The humor is a bit hit-or-miss. There are no responses to the letters, unfortunately.

http://www.asofterworld.com/oqindex.htm

[Marshal Murat]

Love as an ingredient?
Abstract love tonic?

Where can I get it?