minds of innocence

[Warluster]

Minds of Innocence
Relations in Strain
In Peace, Sons bury there Fathers, In War, Fathers bury there sons.
Portugal, 1492
A massive cracking noise filled the room,
"There in the walls!" screamed an portuguese soldier, the Spanish raced in, swords drawn, duels were happening left ,right and center. Some thought the world was falling in, the cannons siegeing the place kept up there messages of doom.
"RUN!"
The soldiers raced down the hallways, some tripped over, hundreds running for there lives. A wall blew in down the hall, smashing the soldiers, the rest were trapped. The spanish kicked the dead bodies out of the way, the soldiers had no more fight left in them, one soldeir ran forward onto his knees,
"Please, I have done no-" his head swiftly cut off, the screams still heard, the soldiers tried scrambiling over the wall of stone, one slipped off, where he was cut by Spanish Swords, pikeman came charging in, some astounded by the mess, the lifeless bodies on the ground. One was left, he got on his knees, and looked up, blood in his eyes,
"Mother, mother, please forgive me" One spanish soldier came over and held his knife to the soldiers throat, fresh blood coated the mess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The fresh morning sky was rising, the dew glinting on the lawn,all was well. Rofrigo got up, and walked out of his room, into the kitchen area, the smell of eggs in the air.
"Whens breakfast ready?" he asked, his mother came out of the bedroom,
"When its done" she said curtly, with a look of disapproval, the roosters started crowing. His father came running through the door,
"oh dear, you-" he stopped short when he saw Rodrigo at the table,
"Good morning son" Rodirgo father said,
"Morning" said Rodrigo sleepily,
"What is it dear?" asked his mother,
"Um, you better read this, and this while your at it" said his father, handing Rodirgos mum an note and scroll. She let out an gasp,
"Thats terrible, another fort lost to the spanish, but, we can stand, what was so horrible about that dear?" she asked,
"What is it?" demanded Rodrigo,
"Nothing, but dear, what was horrible, if you mean the losses, they were bad but..." she said, tears were in Rodrigos Fathers face,
"It shouldn't have happened, just before he left!!" cried his father, he pointed at the scroll,
"Read it" Rodrigos mother un-scrolled it and read it,
"Those Spanish brutes, thats horrible, how dare-" she stopped,
"What is it?" asked Rodrigi, bursting with curiostly, she was silent, eyes not moving, looking at the pieace of paper. All of a sudden, she fell back, slamming into the bench,
'Dear!" said his father, looking alarmed,
'What is it father?" said Rodrigo, looking very patient,
'If they do not tell me soon, I'll get it myself' thought Rodrigo,
"Look, Rodrigo, this isnt easy saying this, you will not take it good"
"Go on, it cant be that bad"
"Your brothers dead" the words sunk in, his heart beating a bit slower,
"Dead? Ar-Are you sure?" said Rodrigo with a oan,
"Yes"
"No, N-No, it can not be true, he was the best!!!' yelled Rodirgo, guessing he died in the army,
"I know but-"
"It's all your FAULT! IF YOU DIDNT SEND HIM TO THE ARMY< HE"D BE HERE RIGHT NOW!" screamed Rodrigo,
"LOOK, THE SPANISH DISARMED HIM, HE SHOULDN'T HAVE THROWN HIS WEAPON AWAY!" Roared his father,
"I'll never forgive you" said Rodrigo quietly, he stormed off into hsi bedroon, wanting revenge, his brother was dead, in the army. Because of the Spanish. His fist clenched, tears in his eyes, Rodrigo got ready to leave. he got his stuff, Food, some water, and his trusty bow.
'I might need an gun' thought Rodrigo, looking around, he was ready to go. he walked out into the kitchen, looking at his Father, and re-awkened Mother,
"Good-bye" he said, they looked at him, in shock, Rodrigo took the opputunity and raced outside, heading towards the stables, he heard, screaming, and then a roar.
"NO YOU DON'T, DON'T YOU DARE JUST WALK OUT!" roared his father, who was racing after him,
"No, Rodrigo, don't leave, they'll kill you!" cried his mother, Rodrigo was in the stables, he put on the saddle, and hopped on,
"Go boy go!" said Rodirigo, motioning his horse to go faster, they galloped out, his father sprinting after him, they were nearly at the gate, the dirt was kicking up, his father was slowing down, in one last effort, his father stopped and yelled out,
"Rodrigo, it isn't yours or mine fault!" he yelled, Rodrigo kept going, revenge in his mind. He had ran away from Home. he galloped down the path, the local village coming into view. it was early morning, so not many were out, the trees were swaying sleepily. Smoke puffed out of some chimmenys, still alight from the cold night before.
'How am I going to survive?' he thought to himself, he had not a lot of water, not a lot of food, and bandits roamed the road, he had to make do, by himself. a voice rang out from the village,
'Rodrigo, where are you going?" the voice yelled, Rodrigo spurred his horse on even faster, he was out of the village, but the sound of an horse was coming frombehind, he took a sharp turn, then kept going, the noise got louder,whoever it was gaining. Finnaly, Rodrigo was forced to stop, he looked around, it was the village Bodyguard,
"Where are you going?" asked the bodyguard,
"A little ride"
"Dont lie to me Rodrigo"
"My brother. he's dead" a silence stteled,
"Your getting revenge aren't you?"
"yes, and your not stopping me!" said Rodrigo,
"I know, I heard the news before, well theres only one way of stopping you, if thats what you call it"
"How then?"
"I'm coming with you" the bodyguard said,
"by the way, my names Ferrio"

[Warluster]

Chapter 2-"There are three Paths, Good, and Bad, and the down right Ugly
He hopped back on his hrose,
"So where to now?"asked Rodrigo, Ferrio did not answer, but was in thought,
"Well? Where to no-"
"I heard you the first time!We could try merida, but the Spanish will be there..." Ferrio said on thought,
"Well thats who we're after, the Spanish!"
"Don't be so stupid boy! if we just charge into merida, the Spanish will come to us like flys to honey, we should try Lisbon" said Ferrio, personally, Rofrigo didn't want to go anywhere near Lisbon right now. But he didn't dare mention that out aloud.
"Then to Lisbon we go!"
They set off, there was a single straight road, which Rodrigo suspected led to Lisbon, made of dirt, on either side was an thck forest, stopping there view. The road was un-safe, and very bad, but was the fastest way to Lisbon. Rodrigo had never been as far as the neigbouring villages(The same case with many people then) But Ferrio obviously had been.
"i remember the days when I was in the army" Ferriop said wisely,
"I traveled to Vienna for a negotation meeting, we happened to meet the king there" Rodrigo whipped his head around,
"The king?" Ferrio nodded,
"Whats he like?" asked Rodrigo, everybody wondered what the King was like, after hearing all the stories of him. Ferrio didn't reply,
"What was he like?" repeated Rodrigo, he was about to say it again when Ferrio spoke in an whisper.
"move slowly along here, have your sword ready" Ferrio whispered,
'Why sho-"
"Just do it boy!" whispered Ferrio angrily, Rodrigo saw no reason why to, but drew it anyway. Ferrio drew his, and it glinted even though there was no sun, Rodrigo was about to comment when Ferrio spoke,
"Allways look behind you"
Rodrigo thought it was quite strange to be saying that, why did they have to be so quiet?
BAM!
He was hit from behind, someone had punched him off his horse,
'What the-"
he quickly blacked out, but came back around, there was the sound of metal against metal, someone grunted and then he heard a thud.
CRACK!
Rodrigo fell back down again in suprise, what was that, it sounded like a gun, from when Father used it at home. then silence, and a voice filled there air,
"Who commands you?" demanded Ferrio, Rodrigo looked up, there were bandits (Or so they looked) 5 were lying on the ground dead, and Ferrio had one with a gun, he was holding a knife to the bandits throat, Ferrio himself was sporting a few bruises.
"I...I...Can not say" Said the bandit in an terified whisper, Ferrio turned to Rodrigo,
'Good, your back around, we will have to bury this one at the next Town"
"No! I have important infomation, The spanish sent me!" yelled the bandit in an terrified whisper,
"Thats all? Well we'll bury you in an nicer fashion" said Ferrio with an faint smile on his face,
"Please, the spanish have made a cease-fire! there at the next village!" said the Spanish Soldier, Ferrio lifted the knife.
"Thankyou, you can go free, without the gun!" Ferrio said sternly,
"yes your honour, any time sir" and with that the Soldier hurried off.
"Good days work, the village is a little further on from here, so a few more days travel and we'll be there" said Ferrio in an tierd tone.
Rodrigo nodded silently and got back on his horse, they rode on until a small clearing came up.
"this is a good spot, we'll camp here for now"
They un-packed he travel bags, and made outmgood resting spots. it was late afternoon now, and the sun was going down, but leaving a lovely colour on the clouds, Rodrigo was very tierd, but had questions,
"Why was that soldier so astounded to meet you?" asked Rodrigo, Ferrio got up and started a small fire, then sat back,
"I would say he was amazed to find people on the roads at this time" said Ferrio, fingering his new gun,
"And why would the spanish be waiting for us?" saked Rodrigo.
Ferrio started to roast some meat,
"i would say they are trying to terrise tghe villagers"
"and why-"
"That is enough questions for tonight Rodrigo, I suggest sleep, we have a long day tomorrow" said Ferrio, Rodrigo didn't have energy to argue, so he lay back and rolled over, looking away from Ferrio, fallingasleep fast.

[Warluster]

Feed back appreciated, I want to see where I went wrong and stuff, so pleasepost what you think.

[Warluster]

Chapter 3- The Shadow of Spaniard
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much
Rodrigo woke up with a fright, a sudden breeze making himquite cold.
It was like ice, he opened his eyes. There, standing above him was the Spanish soldier. Rodrigo let out an yelp, Ferrio jumped in surprise, he was asleep as well. Ferrio jumped up with his sword drawn,
“You drew that sword fast” commented the Spansih Soldier,
“I am not as stupid as some people I sleep with it for protection” Ferrio replied,
“What are you here for!?” demanded Rofrigo,
“I have an request to tell you”
“And what shall that request be?” asked Ferrio,
“I would like to join you to help”
“And do you know where my companion and I are going?”
“How should I know!?” Ferrio murmerd something, then strolled over to where he was sleeping and sat down,
“So you wish to join us?” asked Ferrio,
“yes”at once Rodrigo burst,
“He is Spanish, he is the whole reason we are on this trip!” Ferrio sat in silence, then spoke,
“My friend and I are on an little ‘adventure’ for revenge, on the Spanish”
“oh!”
“What is your name?” asked Ferrio,
“Roberto” replied the soldier, ferrio handed him his gun,
“Well Roberto, your welcome to help us”, Rodrigo wlaked over to where he was sleeping and layed back down, it was still night, and could catch a bit of sleep. Instantly he fell asleep, dreaming about talking swords, when he started shaking, then something burst over his face, he woke with a start, Ferrio was chuckling to himself,
“I knew that would wake you” Ferrio chuckled,
“Why you little” and Rodrigo tried to tackle Ferrio, who jumped out of the way,
“You’ll have to try better then that!” he teased, chuckling despite himself, Rodrigo tried to tackle him again, this time finding his target.
But it wasn’t moving. It asn’t Ferrio, it was the tree, Ferrio was behind him, doubled with laughter.
“C’mon, lets pack” grunted Rodrigo, after a while they were nearly done, when Rodrigo noticed something,
“Wheres Roberto?” Rodringo asked,
“Hunting”
CRACK!
The distance smoke of gunfire coming from the forest, then Roberto burst out of the surrounding forest,
“I tried to shoot a dear, and I accidently shot my old captains face! There coming!”
“How’d you do that?” asked Ferrio,
“Well my captain looks like the deers bum, very much alike, all wrinkled and”
“Okay, I get the picture”
CRACK!
CRACK!
Bullets whistled through the surrounding Foilage, hitting trees, they jumped onto theres horses, taking off, just as Spanish Cavarly burst through the trees,
“GET THEM!” yelled the Spanish Captain, the trees giving way, the beating of Horse hooves, they further and further, Roberto turned aroundon his horse (the horse still going) and aimed his gun,
CRACK!
Rodringo looked around and saw the bullet hit, Rodringo looked in front of him again. A soft thud sounded behind him, and the neighing ofd horses, Rodringo glanced behind him again, the horsemen were piled up behind them, in an tangled mess, Roberto whooped with joy, when the captain raised an pistiol and fired an shot in the air,
CRACK!!
Smoke raised high above him, an message,
“Quick, more are coming!!”
The raced on, finnaly bursting from the Forest, there was open plains, and a stone road, they had made it, and up ahead was a village, they raced on,
CRACK!
Smoke came from the forest, and the bullet missed them, they spurred there horses on, finnaly reahing the village.
The people wore cloaks around there heads, and the houses were made of brick. There were several stalls around a 3-story house, nearby was a chapel. They went in, and dismounted there horses.
“I’ll take the horses to the stables” said Roberto.
Rodringo and Ferrio walked into the Tavern, it was noisey and warm. Ferrio walked up to the counter,
“3 drinks please”
The man nodded, and started pouring three drinks. A man came up behind Ferrio, tapped him on the shoulder, they conversed in low voices.
“Do you mind buddy, we got to get through here” said a voice behind Rodringo. Rodringo moved out of the way. Ferrio motioned for Rodringo to follow him, and they moved off to a table. The man sat down with Ferrio, as did Rodringo.
“Well you’re the old Gunsmith, I fancied meeting you” said the man, shaking Rodringos hand. They then talked of food, and how to make guns, finnaly finishing later on, where they retierd to the mans house. Ferrio came over to Rodringo,
“You better get sleep”
Rodringo obeyed, and went upstairs, and fell onto the bed, and fell asleep. His dreams were short and enjoyable, when-
CRACK!
Rodringo woke with a start, it was gunshot alright, there were voices coming from in the street and in the house. Rodringo got up silently and walked out to the hallway, where he looked in the next bedroom, there were people there, with guns, they turned around and saw Rodringo where they started yelling and raced to him, before he was knocked cold, Rodringo saw the man from the tavern laying dead on the floor.

[Ludens]

Your pacing has improved a lot, but the story does need editing. Especially the first part is a bit messy. One obvious example would be that Rodriguez' father says that Rodrigez' brothers are dead, yet lateron on there are only references to a single brother. The initial fight scene is nice, but could do with some editing as well: the pace and tone are good, but the descriptions chaotic. Do you reread your stories before posting them? I find it helps to pick out the errors you didn't see before, especially if you wait a bit with posting.

I hope you found this helpful.

[Warluster]

Very helpful thankyou, I think that i might transport my story to Word and then do spellcheck (because I am too lazy) I will re-read it and get rid of mistakes, and I'll try to do desriptions a bit better, anyway, thanks for the help!

[scooter_the_shooter]

Very good, one of the best I have seen around for here for awhile.

[Warluster]

Chapter 4the Mark of War
Innocence is something which comes up rarely these days

"YOU GET AWAY FROM HIM!” yelled a voice, a throbbing pain was in Rodirgos head, after falling from the ground, he lifted himself up, when a snarling spanish voice came from downstairs,
"I want them dead before the sun rises, or we are" said the Spanish Sergeants voice, the captain obviously dead, feeling more courage after remembering how the captain died, Rodrigo got up quickly and drew his gun. The person from the tavern dead, and Ferrio standing in the hallway, wiping his sword,
"C'mon, Roberto is waiting with the horses" said Ferrio,
"But how do we get past the Spanish?" asked Rodrigo,
"Simple" Ferrio drew his gun, and shot the floor a few times making a circle, the floor started creaking,
"That’s really gonna help" said Rodrigo sarcastically,
"Well I'd love to see your fabulous plan thank you" replied Ferrio, Rodrigo kept his answer to himself. He quickly darted into Ferrio's room, and waited for the Spanish, the thudding of boots came from the stairs, Rodrigo looked, and there were about 10 of them.
"They were just here" said one, another pointed at Ferrio’s open door, and Rodrigo looked around at Ferrio, who winked at him. The Spanish Soldiers rushed forward,
CREAK! CRACK! BOOM!
They fell through the room floor, Ferrio rushed forward, expecting to fight more, but they were all gone. He looked down the hole and spat,
"Dirty scum, attacking in our sleep" he drew a torch from its rack, and threw it onto the soldiers. A horrible screaming came from them, and the twisted and turned, and smoke rose through the building, as they burnt alive. Ferrio turned to Rodrigo,
"Lets go, the full Spanish force will attack soon" Rodrigo nodded, and followed Ferrio downstairs, and exited the building.
Around the building, people were drawing out of Alleys, sticking there heads out of building windows, but quickly moving away and shutting windows. The clipity clop of horse hooves was heard, and moments later Roberto appeared with a wagon.
"C'mon, I saw a Spanish task force moving in"
"What of the town’s people?" asked Rodrigo, Roberto was silent, but Ferrio replied,
"these town people will run, but the guilty shall burn for there crimes" Rodrigo thought of this totally un-fair, but was felling sick, and hopped into the wagon, as did Ferrio, bringing there stuff. The wagon took off; it bumped around, as they gained speed, smoke on the horizon. The ground then shuddered,
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Even more smoke was on the horizon, the Spanish cannons were firing.
"The towns people will never make it at this rate!" complained Rodrigo, Ferrio didn't reply, and pulled down the wagon curtain.
BOOM!
"This horrible fate was doomed to them the moment they were born, everybody has a fate, and it is what you make of it" said Ferrio,
"Well they made good of there fate, they were just simple town villagers!" said Rodrigo,
BOOM!
"Yes, but the thing is, that is there fate, and this is what there fate is, it is what everybody’s fate is, death" said Ferrio grimly, Rodrigo felt tears swell in his eyes, the Towns people were just going to die, and Ferrio's point was loud and clear, it was doomed and written to them from the day they were born into this terrible world, Rodrigo lifted the Wagon Curtain and looked at the town, smoke was now rising from different areas now, but they couldn't hear anything now because they were so far away, only faint screaming, as peoples fate were delivered. The wagon went on and on, until finally drawing to a stop there days journey completed.

I edited it this time Ludens, do you like it? Feedback would be appreciated, also it is a bit shorter then the others, and i will hopefully make the next one longer

[Ludens]

It's definetly better, though I recommend you to use shorter sentences. You don't need to cram everything in a single one.

Incidentally, how come the Spanish soldiers fall through the roof? I got the impression that Rodriguez and Ferrio were in a room.

[Warluster]

Chapter 5 – Blinding Wounds
When you kill, it wounds you, not physically, but mentally
Rodrigo woke up again with a start, where was he? It was dark and cold, and it smelt like burnt wood, then it came back to him, and he fell back onto the ground, wanting to sleep on. He moved his hand over the ground, looking for his bow. Rodrigo raised himself a bit to see better, and saw Ferrio’s sleeping area, he looked at the ground again, his bow wasn’t’ there, he turned over again, and looked out. There was the city, being destroyed by the Spanish. The flames flicked amongst the night sky. Rodrigo stopped looking at the painful sight of the city, and turned over once again, where was his bow? He looked over at Ferrio, when he realized, Ferrio wasn’t there.
“Ferrio?” asked Rodrigo, no reply, now alarmed, Rodrigo got up, and looked around there camp site, the fire from earlier in the night was still burning rather small. Rodrigo called out,
“Ferrio!” A hand suddenly covered up his mouth, Rodrigo struggled, tossing and try to see who was doing it.
“Stop moving”said the voice, that voice sounded familiar, yet he couldn’t pick who it was, the persons hand lifted. Rodrigo turned around, and was surprised to see it was Roberto.
“Why’d you do that!?” demanded Rodrigo, Roberto looked at him with a hard stare, and Rodrigo tried not to blink.
“Well obviously if you keep on shouting out, the Spanish will be here like Flies to Honey” snarled Roberto, Rodrigo wondered if he felt and hatred towards the Spanish, considering he was one, and Rodrigo had never seen Roberto look so angry.
“Well where is he?” asked Rodrigo,
I wonder why Roberto’s so angry thought Rodrigo,
“He has scouted ahead, looking for Spanish”
“What’s got you in such a flurry?”
“Never mind”
“Unfortunly that’s exactly what I’m doing”
“SHUT UP!”
Silence, Rodrigo still wanted to know why Roberto was so angry, as this is one of the first times he heard him yell.
“Okay you’ve had time out, now can you tell me?” asked Rodrigo, hoping the look on his face didn’t look as curious as he was.
“Fine then, I said to Ferrio that he should back track and find out if Spanish were following us, he refused, and went over there” Roberto pointed into the thickets,
“And he wouldn’t tell me what he was doing” finished Roberto, looking calmer.
“Uh, maybe he needed go and let off?” Roberto sighed, and rubbed his face,
“Lets pack, we should meet him a little further on” Rodrigo moved back to his camping spot, and rolled up the blankets, he then packed up the food and kicked the fire. When he realized what he was looking for originally, his bow. He scurried around, looking for it. He was half-way around the camp when-
CRASH!
Rodrigo head whipped around, looking at where the noise had come from.
CRASH! CRASH!
“It’s the Spanish!” whispered Roberto, they packed up, and getting all stuff onto the horses and trumpets started blaring. Rodrigo was in an panic now, they were near. A quick swishing noise came from nearby, and an arrow stuck in the tree near them. Rodrigo and Roberto got the horses and raced behind the tree, when Rodrigo saw his bow, on the edge of the camp. He raced out from behind the tree. When the noise stopped. Rodrigo didn’t stop though and kept on running. Something grabbed his foot and he fell face first in the dirt, a tree root. He got up again, spitting out dirt, the trumpets had stopped, and the crashing had stopped. He picked up his bow, thankful to be re-united.
CRASH!
The noise came from right next to the sight, and the trumpets started right next t the camp, Spanish voices could be heard, captains yelling orders. Rodrigo raced behind a tree. When a company of soldiers came through, no, two companies. They were marching through, looking around. The front two were equipped with pikes, the rest had muskets. Rodrigo started praying they didn’t see him, he looked around the tree again, Roberto was cowering behind another one across the camp area. The Spanish were almost gone when-
“Sir, look at this, a fire” said one soldier,
“And there’s footprints over here” said another, pointed at Rodrigo’s mark of footprints, the soldiers started following it, get closer to the tree where Rodrigo was hiding, he was nearly there-
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
The soldier fell back, a bullet hole in him. The Company of soldiers ran out formation, looking around panic-stricken. The gunfire was coming from everywhere,
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
More soldiers fell, the captain pulled a soldier in front of him as protection, but the back of his head burst out, as a bullet went through both of them.
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
The company was almost gone, 20 dead, 30 left, when a trumpet came from amongst the trees, heavily armored men came charging out, waving swords and pistols, shooting into the Spanish company, Rodrigo got up and put an arrow on the string, and let go.
CRACK! CRACK! SWISH! CRACK!
The company fought hard, until finally they gave in, only 2 of them left.

[Warluster]

Could I please have SOME sort of feedback, I am at a loss, does everyone like it? OR hate it?

[Warluster]

lol, looks like no one really cares, i think I might continue on another website. But I have another great story coming out soon about the Forces of Heaven and Hell, and how they have affected life on earth for centuries. its going to be called Red Fury, if you like Action, Drama and War, read it! And see the theories and twists...