JimBob
02-07-2007, 05:29
I've been writing some sketch comedy for a production. I've had one skit that has been stuck between my "Trash, pitch it" box, and my "Funny" box. I've got three incarnations of it. I'll post them here, tear them apart, tell me which seems funnier, whatever.
Pack your own bags
A man brings a bag up to the baggage check at an airport. He plops is down onto the table. The guard looks at him menacingly.
Guard: Has your bag been unattended at any time?
Man: No
Guard: Did you pack your own bag?
Man: Yes.
Guard: Do you have any illegal animals in this bag?
Man: No.
Guard: Do you have any illegal plants?
Man: No.
Guard: Drugs?
Man: No.
Guard: I don't like the way you look. Any bombs it that bag of yours?
Man: Not a one.
Guard: More than four packs of matches?
Man: Only have three on me,
Guard: Do you have any liquids in there?
Man: None.
Guard: No water? You are a liar. I bet you have reading material in there.
Man: None.
Guard: A self-inflating raft? So help me God if I find one self-inflating raft in there you will not live to see tommorow.
Man: I swear, I don't have any self inflating rafts.
Guard: Let's see what he's got in here.
The guard opens the bag and pulls a bound and gagged hostage out. The guard consults his list.
Guard: Not on the list. Move along.
Pack Bags V2
The lights are up on half the stage. A man is at the security check at an airport. The guards begin to question him.
Guard: Have your bags been unattended at any time?
Man: No.
Guard: Did you pack your own bags?
The Man slips into a daydream. The lights switch sides of the stage. There are two tables. One has open suitcases, the other has clothing and other travel items. The man begins to pack the bags. Masked 'terrorist' looking men begin to sneak onto the stage. The first comes out alone, he sneak to the suit cases and begins to furiously fold a Hawaiian shirt. The 'terrorist' then slinks around the table to slip the neatly folded shirt into the suitcase. After he leaves more 'terrorists' come out from every possible place. They begin to bring vacation items onto stage and sneak them into the suitcase: sunscreen, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, a towel, a hat. All the items are clearly displayed before being placed in the bag. The last 'terrorist' is left hunched behind the table casting furtive glances at the man who is blissfully packing. He is crouched over trying to inflate a beach ball. When it is full, he quietly slips it into the bag and sneaks away. He is crouched When the suit case is full, the man zips it up and walks back to the other side of the stage. The lights switch to see him standing where he was facing the guard.
Man: Of course I packed my own bags. What kind of silly question is that?
Pack Bags V3
A man and his family are standing center stage. The man is packed and ready to go on a buisness trip. The man leans in to kiss his wife goodbye.
Man: Goodbye dear.
Wife: Goodbye, I left some extra socks in your bag.
Man: What did you do?
Wife: Well, you always forget clean socks, so I put some in for you.
Man: But what did you do?
Wife: I put socks in your suitcase.
Man: You packed my bag.
Wife: Sure.
Man: Now when they ask me if I packed my bag what will happen? I'll be down in Guantanamo faster than you can say 'There's bin Laden'
Wife: Couldn't you just tell them your wife put something in your bag?
Man: You think I'll be alive long enough to try that? These people are efficient. I'm going to have to repack.
The man dumps everything out of his suitcases. He starts to repack. The wife reaches down to help.
Man: Don't even think about it.
Wife: What? I'm helping.
Man: You really want me to get arrested.
Wife: No, I don't.
Man: That's why you're framing me for terrorism? That it.
Wife: No.
Man: I'm your patsy. You've been working for them all along haven't you.
Wife: No!
Man: Yeah, yeah. I've got you figured out. You're a terrorist.
Wife: No!
Man: She's a terrorist!
Cops, soldiers, and a circus come barging into the room. They surround the wife and point guns. She looks around exassperated and shrugs. The lights die.
Pack your own bags
A man brings a bag up to the baggage check at an airport. He plops is down onto the table. The guard looks at him menacingly.
Guard: Has your bag been unattended at any time?
Man: No
Guard: Did you pack your own bag?
Man: Yes.
Guard: Do you have any illegal animals in this bag?
Man: No.
Guard: Do you have any illegal plants?
Man: No.
Guard: Drugs?
Man: No.
Guard: I don't like the way you look. Any bombs it that bag of yours?
Man: Not a one.
Guard: More than four packs of matches?
Man: Only have three on me,
Guard: Do you have any liquids in there?
Man: None.
Guard: No water? You are a liar. I bet you have reading material in there.
Man: None.
Guard: A self-inflating raft? So help me God if I find one self-inflating raft in there you will not live to see tommorow.
Man: I swear, I don't have any self inflating rafts.
Guard: Let's see what he's got in here.
The guard opens the bag and pulls a bound and gagged hostage out. The guard consults his list.
Guard: Not on the list. Move along.
Pack Bags V2
The lights are up on half the stage. A man is at the security check at an airport. The guards begin to question him.
Guard: Have your bags been unattended at any time?
Man: No.
Guard: Did you pack your own bags?
The Man slips into a daydream. The lights switch sides of the stage. There are two tables. One has open suitcases, the other has clothing and other travel items. The man begins to pack the bags. Masked 'terrorist' looking men begin to sneak onto the stage. The first comes out alone, he sneak to the suit cases and begins to furiously fold a Hawaiian shirt. The 'terrorist' then slinks around the table to slip the neatly folded shirt into the suitcase. After he leaves more 'terrorists' come out from every possible place. They begin to bring vacation items onto stage and sneak them into the suitcase: sunscreen, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, a towel, a hat. All the items are clearly displayed before being placed in the bag. The last 'terrorist' is left hunched behind the table casting furtive glances at the man who is blissfully packing. He is crouched over trying to inflate a beach ball. When it is full, he quietly slips it into the bag and sneaks away. He is crouched When the suit case is full, the man zips it up and walks back to the other side of the stage. The lights switch to see him standing where he was facing the guard.
Man: Of course I packed my own bags. What kind of silly question is that?
Pack Bags V3
A man and his family are standing center stage. The man is packed and ready to go on a buisness trip. The man leans in to kiss his wife goodbye.
Man: Goodbye dear.
Wife: Goodbye, I left some extra socks in your bag.
Man: What did you do?
Wife: Well, you always forget clean socks, so I put some in for you.
Man: But what did you do?
Wife: I put socks in your suitcase.
Man: You packed my bag.
Wife: Sure.
Man: Now when they ask me if I packed my bag what will happen? I'll be down in Guantanamo faster than you can say 'There's bin Laden'
Wife: Couldn't you just tell them your wife put something in your bag?
Man: You think I'll be alive long enough to try that? These people are efficient. I'm going to have to repack.
The man dumps everything out of his suitcases. He starts to repack. The wife reaches down to help.
Man: Don't even think about it.
Wife: What? I'm helping.
Man: You really want me to get arrested.
Wife: No, I don't.
Man: That's why you're framing me for terrorism? That it.
Wife: No.
Man: I'm your patsy. You've been working for them all along haven't you.
Wife: No!
Man: Yeah, yeah. I've got you figured out. You're a terrorist.
Wife: No!
Man: She's a terrorist!
Cops, soldiers, and a circus come barging into the room. They surround the wife and point guns. She looks around exassperated and shrugs. The lights die.