Tongue-in-cheek take on MTW

[Kaidonni]

Okay, seeing as how the guys over in the M2TW Citadel are having a laugh about M2TW, I thought we could do the same for MTW (don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the game, just that it'd be fun to do some tongue-in-cheek humour).

I'll start it rolling...on a fictional king...

-Influence: 4 - 'Most nations recognise you as a power in the world of politics, but usually 'politely' ignore your suggestions. Perhaps a more forceful foreign policy is required, such as 'politely' invading said nations.'
-Piety: 0 - 'At a loss for words because if anyone utters anything about this, he'll probably be burnt at the stake.'
-Dread: 0 - 'A clown has more dread than this man.'
-Command: 5 - 'This man likes to think he's a great general, but the only reason why most of his enemy fear his banner on the field of battle is because it has his mug painted on it. Nevertheless, he wins most battles because of this.'
-Acumen: 1 - 'A peasant has more brains than this man. The relative closeness of his cousins explains this, though.'

[Martok]

-Command: 5 - 'This man likes to think he's a great general, but the only reason why most of his enemy fear his banner on the field of battle is because it has his mug painted on it. Nevertheless, he wins most battles because of this.'
LOL! That one's definitely my favorite. :laugh4: Hmm, let's see what I can come up with....

Command 1: "Knows to keep the pointy end of most weapons away from himself, and at least grasps the fundamentals....such as the concept of keeping one's front to the enemy."

Acumen 2: "Although he'll never have the intelligence to appreciate a good book, he does understand the importance of being able to at least read and compose simple messages."

[Great Est.]

General attributes:
Loyalty 3: "His lack of fealty is no impediment to his marrying a princess and being named Lord Chancellor."
Loyalty 7: "This man is loyal enough to be treated like an dog and requires no titles or even pay."

[General Dazza]

Influence 1: Most other kings would fail to recognise you at functions. The embarrassment of this has only been avoided as you are not invited to any. You once convinced the stablehand to clean the stables, but this came as a surprise to everyone.

Dread 0: About as scary as Doris Day. Hobbies include patchwork quilting and smiling a lot. Your idea of a law and order crackdown is to hold a fete at the town watch.

[Great Est.]

Command 11: This general's amps go past 10 on the volume dial, allowing him to Spinal Tap enemies at will.
Command X: This general is Chuck Norris, who went back in time and proceeded to roundhouse his way around the known world. He goes into battle alone, carrying his horse, which he proceeds to throw at the opposing general.

[seireikhaan]

Hmm, I'll give it a try.

Piety 0- This man believes that the world is round and that the sun is the center of the universe. Therefore, he must be a heretic.

Dread 9- This man masquerades around in a "Jason" mask whilst brandishing a machete at his opponents and slaying hapless drunk teenagers in his free time.

Acumen 0- This man has the higher brain capacity of a plank of wood. He requires a life jacket when attempting to consume a bowl of soup, as he has an unfortunate habit of nearly drowning in it otherwise.

[Caerfanan]

Piety 0- This man believes that the world is round and that the sun is the center of the universe. Therefore, he must be a heretic.

That one's neat! :-)

Unfortunately I don't have the english original quotes...

[Agent Miles]

Piety 9- This man believes that the world is round and that the sun is the center of the universe. Of course, he isn't going to tell the Pope that!

[Ludens]

Nitpicking: it's a myth that medieval people believed the earth was flat. Probably the peasants thought this, but medieval scholars and theologicians followed Aristotle, who stated the earth was round. They did, however, believe the earth was the center of the universe.

Back to topic: ~:thumb:

[General Dazza]

Piety 4: This person is in a constant state of confusion about the shape of the world. He thinks the new 'round-world' concept makes sense, but is swayed by the conviction of the 'flat-earth' peasants. The one fact that keeps him sane is the earth's 'centre-universe' position.

[Agent Miles]

Thanks Ludens. Nitpick #2, the sun isn't the center of the universe, just our solar system.

[Caliburn]

-> Agent Miles: Heretic!

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

Hope you guys don't mind, but I'll just submit a few of my highly miserable attempts at humour.

Piety 0 - This man is so holy that he has photographs of God attached to his feet and a stainless steel candle stick on his right arm. However, since photographs don't exist in this age and stainless steel is yet to be invented, people think that he used heretic magic to travel in time.

Acumen 0 - This man is a genius and thinks like a whirlwind, speeding through parchment-work every five seconds. Unfortunately, writing that fast with a eagle feather, tears the parchment to shreds resulting in no work getting done.

[Noir]

Nice ones Omanes, here's mine:

Command 0: Intelligence reports and other vital information are by rule not submited to this man while campaigning; his superiors know just as well as his men that the difference they will make in the outcome is nill.

Many Thanks

Noir

[Bregil the Bowman]

Thanks Ludens. Nitpick #2, the sun isn't the center of the universe, just our solar system.

Arguably any determined point can be the centre of the universe, around which everything else revolves...:idea2:

[Martok]

Careful, folks. Let's not stray off-topic here. :focus:


Ships: When it comes to understanding them and how they work, don't even try -- you'll end up in the loony bin if you do! Just make sure you have more of them than your enemy does. A lot more. ~;p

[Don Esteban]

Land Bridges: It is a little known fact that during the Medieval period armies had the ability to walk on water. A small trickle of water such as the Channel was no impediment to the invasion of the continent by the English.

[Omanes Alexandrapolites]

Nice ones Omanes
Thanks Noir!

Land Bridges: It is a little known fact that during the Medieval period armies had the ability to walk on water. A small trickle of water such as the Channel was no impediment to the invasion of the continent by the English.On the topic of landbridges:

Piety 0 - This man is holy enough to walk across waters to attack his enemies, but not holy enough to know who God is or what the holy scriptures say.

[macsen rufus]

How to judge your standing as a King and conqueror:

Influence 9: You da man! Which part of your anatomy do you wish the Pope to kiss? Yes, yes, take all the princesses you want, and would you like a spare prince for your perverted heir, as well?

Influence 8: Your lands are vast, your army invincible and your honour is great. Which is why your allies are all about to invade...

Influence 7: You are famous throughout the world for the pointiness of your spears, the shininess of your armour, and the swiftness of your camels. Be sure your enemies are sharpening their spears, polishing their armour and doping their camels.

Influence 6: Courtiers, diplomats and poets flood to your court to bask in your greatness. So do the spies and assassins looking for any chance to stab you in the back.

Influence 5: Your kingdom is treated with a little respect - neighbouring kings will hesitate for at least a minute before killing your emissary, ravishing your princesses and invading your homeland.

Influence 4: The name of your kingdom is known to your neighbours, but their princes would rather marry a goat than any of your princesses.

Influence 3: Luckily your realm is so insignificant none of your enemies can actually find it on the map, saving your feeble armies from sure and certain annihilation.

Influence 2: Two peasants and an old woman with a halbard do not make an army, and your realm is a patch of scrub inacapable of feeding a mangey goat.

Influence 1: "Yo, Blair!"

Influence 0: Who? Where?

[Martok]

Brilliant, macsen rufus! :2thumbsup:


Influence 1: "Yo, Blair!"
Okay, now that's just mean. :laugh4:

[Don Esteban]

Brilliant, macsen rufus! :2thumbsup:


Okay, now that's just mean. :laugh4:

I thought it was rather generous actually :laugh4:

Blair would have negative dread and high piety as well.......

[macsen rufus]

Well, I had my doubts - was it too backroomy (what with the goats and everything ~D) and whether 1 and 0 were in the right order ....

[caravel]

Piety:

Piety 9: He believes has has been sent by god to conquer your lands and liberate you of your kingdom and wealth. His faith is unshakeable. He has even been known to claim that CA will feature "AI" in the next Total War game, whatever that may be...

Piety 8: This man's middle name is "crusade" he has been known to quickly baptise the enemy before killing them...

Piety 7: Surrounded by preachers night and day, he perhaps has the appearance of being devout but is not the perfect example of a pious ruler.

Piety 6: Declaring a jihad for this man is no more serious than breaking wind.

Piety 5: He has been known to execute the odd heretic on Wednesday afternoons after tea, though only when he is sober enough after returning from the tavern.

Piety 4: He will use faith when it provides a means to an end. He is known to be muslim in several provinces, catholic in a few others and a pagan in several more, certainly a resourceful individual with much potential, though luring him out of the local brothel and into battle can be difficult.

Piety 3: He occasionally opens a bible when getting back from devil worship society evenings...

Piety 2: "Yo, Blair!" When he's not mutilating sheep and butchering entire villages of women and children he has been known to spend his free time mutilating more sheep and butchering even more villages of women and children.

Piety 1: Lock up your daughters...

Piety 0: Lock up your goats, sheep, camels, boars, donkeys...

[Kaidonni]

Command:

Command 9: This man has the way of the warrior, so he always wins. Rematch? He wins again! Haha! Another Rematch? Haha! He wins again!

Command 8: This man has been watching too much Lord of the Rings, and so has the upper hand on the uneducated or know-it-all folk of his enemy's armies. If only he could actually get hold of an army of ghosts now...

Command 7: If only this man were as expert in bed as he is on the battlefield, he might actually have an heir or two. He is consoled by the fact that only if he dies in the script does he have anything to worry about.

Command 6: If war breaks out, this man can competently take on his opponents...most of the time. The rest of the time he's too drunk from celebrating his great leadership.

Command 5: Having removed his mug from the banners, the new reason why the enemy fears this man on the battlefield is that the telescope has been invented, and the enemy can see his face from afar now.

Command 4: If only this man had actually spent more time practicing real battle drill instead of thinking playing RTS games all the time makes him an excellent commander...

Command 3: A few choice decisions on the battlefield have made this commander stand out, notably running away while the rest of his army is being pwned and having to explain how he escaped from the clutches of doom as his last man fell by his side, surrounded, cut-off from any possible escape route.

Command 2: Rather undependable in battle, anyone with higher command on Hard or Expert will crush his army, irregardless of armour, weapons, valour and tactics.

Command 1: Oh, he isn't actually a commander. It's just for show.

Command 0: Who needs an enemy when this guy does the job just as well?

[Bregil the Bowman]

Influence 0: Your armies are required to wear blue berets.

[Great Est.]

Piety 9: You send your army into battle with little more than trousers and pointy sticks, yet you are sure of victory.

Accumen 0: You send your army into battle with little more than trousers and pointy sticks, yet you are sure of victory.

[General Dazza]

OK, here's a go at dread...

Dread 9: You mere presence causes grown men to cower, children to weep and women to avert their eyes in fear. By association, your horse is feared by other horses. If dread was measured in apples, you're an orchard baby.

Dread 8: You’re marginally less scary, however this difference makes you the luckiest in terms of dread. While man and beast cower before you, many women are drawn to your power. As a result, you do well with the ladies. Apple scale: a row of trees.

Dread 7: You’re an up-and-comer. Enemies on the battlefield fear and avoid you. In fact, so do your own troops. So fearsome is your general demeanour that your family dreads get togethers. Apple scale – big bushy tree.

Dread 6: People generally see you as someone not to meddle with, but they don’t expect much of you either. Still, you creep the odd person out, and mosquitoes think twice before biting you. Apple scale: scrawny tree

Dread 5: You’re remembered as the school bully who beat up on little kids until the day Henry Plantanaget gave you a bloody nose and made you cry. Ever since you’ve tried to recapture your glory days, but people no longer take you seriously. A warm apple pie.

Dread 4: People see you as a pretty nice sorta guy. Somebody once mistook you for Genghis Khan at a fancy dress party, and everyone had a good laugh about it later. When pushed, you might yell at your kids. Apple scale: Golden delicious

Dread 3: You’re one of the little kids 5-dread beat up on. As a result you often embark on long violent monologues about the injustice of life, but nobody listens. Apple scale: chewed up apple core.

Dread 2: You ain’t foolin’ nobody. Your highest posting is as your unit’s mascot at after-battle parties. People think it’s cute when you scowl. Apple scale: pip

Dread 1: When 3-dread people got sick of being beaten up by 5-dreaders, they’d take their frustrations out on you. Women insult you, puppies bite you, clowns scare you and children laugh at you. If you weren’t so spineless you’d be angry. Apple scale: A worm

Dread 0: You’ve survived on the battlefield largely because the enemy chooses to save their energy for those that matter. Ineffectual in all areas of life, you are voted most likely to play for the English cricket team. Apple scale: An ant an apple once fell on.

[ULC]

I'll have a go at it! Err...Are vices/vitrues okay?

Humanist - Your lack of belief and your setting up reason in place of faith has the pious concerned, but you continue you to tell them to worry about the Pope, who happens to be an aethist.

[scowie]

King Mongoloid III: :dizzy2:
--------------------

Influence: 2
Due to your insistence on designing the palace fountains yourself, they are now fed by the sewage system built by your father. As a result, you don't get many foreign visitors to your home, making international relations difficult.

Piety: 9
You are a true believer in all things. After all, it was God himself who told you to wear your underpants backwards. Also, you have declared a ransom on the head of the Bogey Man and demanded that the Tooth Fairy pays taxes.

Dread: 5
Despite you being fairly harmless, several foreign emissaries have returned to their lands with their ears severed. Admittedly, this was done by their own hand after putting up with several hours of your incessant lunatic ramblings.

Command: 1
Your soldiers are all too eager to get captured by the enemy. At least the enemy doesn't make them dress up in pink frilly skirts and pigtails.

Acumen: 0
Due to your extreme bloody-mindedness, as a toddler you would refuse to accept that the square peg would not fit in the round hole. Your education never progressed from there.

V&Vs:-

Crack-brained:
You wear your socks on your ears and insist that your servants serve you your food via catapult.
-2 Morale. -20 happiness.

Steward:
Despite the awful smell, the new irrigation system being connected to the city's sewers appears to have improved crop yields.
+10% Farming Income, +10 happiness.

[macsen rufus]

Crack-brained:
You wear your socks on your ears and insist that your servants serve you your food via catapult.
-2 Morale. -20 happiness.


:laugh4: :laugh4: Quite an image!

[Martok]

Dread: 5
Despite you being fairly harmless, several foreign emissaries have returned to their lands with their ears severed. Admittedly, this was done by their own hand after putting up with several hours of your incessant lunatic ramblings.
Those were great, scowie! That one was definitely my favorite out of the bunch. :laugh4:

[Tratorix]

Here goes nothin'....

Command 9- This man is god on the battlefield. His blood is acid(not that he's ever been wounded), his beard will eat anyone who touches it and the sound of him unsheathing his sword will kill everyone in a two mile radius.

Command 8- A true military great, this man has been credited with creating the "phalanx", "shield wall" and "peasant shield" strategies.

Command 7- This man is a great leader, but will probably try to invade Russia during winter at some point in his life.

Command 6- A passable leader who will forever be haunted by that time he had his cannons pointed in the wrong direction.

Command 5- This man knows most of the basics, such as "stick them with the pointy end", "don't stand in front of a crossbow" and "don't pick a fight with the Byzantines in early".

Command 4- Most of this mans tactical experience comes from video games and the movie Braveheart.

Command 3- He once tried to gain more command experience by eating Sun Tzu's The Art of War.

Command 2- This man will win any battle, as long as the opposing commander is drunk or forgets to show up.

Command 1- This man has charged a unit of royal knights into the pointy end of a spear wall.

Command 0- He has, on more than one occasion, tried to stab his opponent with the blunt end of his lance.

Vices and Virtues:

Pansy- He is afraid of sharp objects, thinks blood is "icky" and always signs his name with a little heart at the end. His men are not inspired. Morale -9, Dread -5.

Action Hero- He has been in more life threatning situations than should be physically possible and come out alive. Arrows bend around him, falls don't hurt him and the enemy always takes turns fighting him one at a time. Health +40, Valour +5.

Sorry if this is a bit long, got kind of carried away.

[macsen rufus]

Sorry if this is a bit long

Not at all - if it had been any shorter you wouldn't have got it all in ~D

This is definitely turning into a thread I can rely on for a good laugh in the mornings :2thumbsup:

[Don Esteban]

Loyalty 0 - this man would sell his own grandmother to a brothel - hell, he'd give her for free just to save the cost of feeding her.

Loyalty 1 - Most people consider the back to be part of the body, this man sees it as a handy receptacle for knives.

[General Dazza]

Loyalty 0 - this man would sell his own grandmother to a brothel - hell, he'd give her for free just to save the cost of feeding her.

Dread 9: This man's grandmother does, indeed, work in a brothel. However it is rarely noted, as the story of the last man who mentioned it was spread quickly around the province (as was the man himself).

[Brandy Blue]

Command 0: This man is so cowardly, that he is afraid of hand puppets. His solders cannot recognize him from in front, as they have only seen his retreating back.

Command 1: He was once routed by Elmo, but to be fair, Elmo was charging downhill. He can beat most Sesame Street characters in fair fight.

Command 2: He can beat Oscar the Grouch, in spite of the Grouch's trash can armor and bad attitude. Big Bird, however, is just a little too big.

Acumen 0: This man has tried to read and write on both sides of the paper at the same time. When his mistake was pointed out, he explained that the error would not normally have occurred, but he had temporarily forgotten that he does not know how to read.

Acumen 9: When the Mongols invaded his province, this super clerk made them pay a fee for boarder crossing, a fine for disturbing the peace, and various surcharges. Then he billed them for property damage. There are now several lawsuits pending against the Great Khan for wrongful invasion etc. The great Khan, on the advice of the Mongol accountants, is desperately suing for peace. Super clerk made so much money losing that province, that he is trying in vain to lure other rulers into invading. No one is rich enough to take him up on it.

[Mongoose]

Name: Lord Rambo VI of Bulgaria

Dread 10: Having on several occasions destroyed 1000s of enemy soldiers single handedly, it is usually best to stay at least 10 provinces away from this man at all times.

Command 0: This man has never needed any one to help him win his battles, and therefore has not bothered to develop any command abilites.

Acumen 0: This mans primary source of income is capturing enemy soldiers, ransoming them back, and then repeating until he gets tierd of the process and kills them. He has no need for acumen.

Piety 10: This man is quite passionate in his beliefs about himself.

[Kaidonni]

Name: King Richard Dean Anderson I, England

Influence - 9: This man has little trouble in any diplomatic affairs - fellow kings, princes, princesses, assassins, spies, emissaries, imams, inquisitors, cardinals, priests, bishops, massive hordes of rampaging Mongols, yadda yadda, and even the Pope who excommunicated him several times - all flock to get his autograph.
Piety - 0: He refuses to worship any gods or goddesses - primarily because he knows they'll turn out to be false gods/goddesses...correction, DEAD false gods/goddesses.
Dread - 0: His enemies are always out to get him. Gives him something to do on a rainy day. You always did wonder where the saying 'Don't judge a book by it's cover' came from...
Command - 9: Having beaten massive hordes of his enemies with bright shiny things out of the ground by simply thinking it into being, and having a crack squad of indestructible trusty colleagues by his side, he always wins. And it's usually written in the script, too.
Acumen - 9: All he needs is a toothpick and a leaf, and you've got yourself a world class economy, a time machine, a nice necklace for the missus - anything!

EDIT: Going on holiday to France for 2 weeks tomorrow, so I'll be rather quiet for a short while...

[Haccapelite]

Hmm, now lets see, i hope this pathetic attempt to be funny reaches at least one reader who is either very drunk or just a lunatic, because they are, i fear, the only circumstances where someone would actually laugh at this, but i'll try anyway:
Command 0: Think carefully before participating on a picnic led by this man, since he is able to turn even a harmless trip to a flower meadow into a massacre.
"wait, did i hear someone laugh? Admit it, i heard you!"