Desafío

[naut]

Ok, I know that you all aren't that fond of poetry. But I will proceed nonetheless through the groans of agony.

Desafío

And there is no time to think,
As the cogs and gears, they slowly clink
And the workings of all that we are,
Are tightly bound, and forced taut,
Until we are nothing more, ground naked, bare,

And the suffocation of mindless hours,
Spent in darkness, time no longer ours,
And as this body does sadly toil,
As a creature of simple subservience,
This weary existence will, to naught embroil.

And as to dust, we are worked,
And through oppression we have lurked,
Trapped in rooms full of blinding steam,
As around all sensation has lay muted,
And the chains that bind do brightly gleam.

And what gods are these, who us do ignore?
Observed and nothing more;
Through blindness we did rend,
Ours, a union of humanism,
And as I pass it shall not end.

For, given light, through defiance,
All darkness will of itself, disappear.

[Ludens]

Your poetry really isn't bad, but it's very hard to appreciate poetry that is not in one's native language. I think a significant proportion of the Mead Hall's patrons (including yours truly) does not speak English as their first language.


I'll probably add another stanza to tie up the themes and bring it to a resolution.
Do so. The imagery is good, but the poem seems to lack a point.

[Orb]

OK: CC on

Positive: The imagery is effective and immersive
Negative: Occasionally it sounds a little odd (the 'does' and the occasional archaic word). This is, however, more a personal taste than a definite universal negative.

I agree with Ludens that the extra concluding stanza would help.

[naut]

Thanks. Confirms my thoughts, and yes I agree with the Archaic language comment - language I tend to use quite regularly - as it makes it sound as if I'm trying too hard.

[naut]

Sorry for the double post, but rather than post a new thread, I thought I'd put the updated version in here. I added 2 more stanzas.