An Elmo-Head Story

[dancho]

I conqered Spain, occupied Malta, Corsica and Sardinia and I'm feeling pretty good. The Germans and English keep declaring crusades against me, but it turns out that they are just USING religion to generate large armies to fight EACH OTHER! I'm shocked-- SHOCKED.

When mighty Muhammed I takes the throne, the power of the Elmo-Heads stretches from the border with Egypt to the land of Aragonne. His influence is mighty, dread is severe, his generalship is level eight, his acumen is better than mine and his virtues include being a natural born killer.

Filled with pride, he sees that Egypt is defended by a paltry few peasants, and decides to send a few guys over to change the management.

Oh-- big mistake. The Egyptians came totally UNGLUED over this. Several very, very large armies showed up, including a Jihad, which I hardly think is fair since we're not infidels. Right? After several long, long battles I decide to abandon the province and let the Sultan have it back, but the guy refuses to see my emissaries and launches an amphib invasion behind my lines! Damn! When I take that back, he has cause for another Jihad! Bummer! Now I counter Jihad his Jihad and Jihad vs. Jihad. The old Caliph (seventy-plus) has lasted about as long as anybody does in this game. His only concern is his heir-- all the other heirs are level eight generals with a taste for blood, but this guy is a level ZERO and his perversion is "prefers young boys to women." Guess who takes over when the old guy dies?

I start hiring mercenaries and calling for a Jihad but with little Mel bin Mol'Ester at the helm I am royally screwed. The guy finally dies from worrying over being knifed by his own guys but by now the damage is done.

Playing the Elmo-Heads is fun. So many units! There's Slappian Slappers, and Doo-Dorian-Munchers, and Multi-head, Multi-armed, Scy-sithian Crunchers! Dr. Suess had nothing on these guys.

The Nubian Spear Men are the backbone of my army, just like the (you guessed it) Yari Samurai. Then there are those Goloobs or whatever they are, big guys with axes who like to fight. If you wander over to their spot in the line to ask if they're ready to go, you'll see them off in the distance, swinging axes in the enemy encampment. Such a bunch of scamps!

My performance as Caliph needs improvement- I'll try to remember, next time, DO NOT ATTACK EGYPT. http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/smile.gif

[Funky Phantom]

Lol, sounds like the AI has some issues when it comes to using Jihads\Crusades against fellow Muslim\Catholic factions http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif

[Kraellin]

i too have noticed a penchant by the various factions to use 'crusades' against ME as an excuse to raise armies, only to fight someone else. nice touch.

K.


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The only absolute is that there are no absolutes.

[Papewaio]

Quote Originally posted by dancho:
Then there are those Goloobs or whatever they are, big guys with axes who like to fight. If you wander over to their spot in the line to ask if they're ready to go, you'll see them off in the distance, swinging axes in the enemy encampment. Such a bunch of scamps![/QUOTE]

LOL

[NagatsukaShumi]

So they use Cruscades to use to conquer others rather than free the Holy Land, Pope Urband would be disgusted, but I'm not Pope Urban http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif

[ShadeHonestus]

Heck, in my campaign the Pope himself called for a Crusade on the French. A couple decades later and the English launched a Crusade of their own against bloody Finland of all places!

Rather entertaining really... A crusade was going through my territory, generally looting the place and stealing my troops. When I told the next one to get lost all hell broke loose. The moral of this last story is don't mess with a Polish crusade... I think there HAS to be a joke there somewhere...

[Itonami]

Quote Originally posted by dancho:
occupied Malta[/QUOTE]

Oh im sorry

[fubi]

according the giljay the polish cant make crusades because they never did.

[Hirosito]

what's malta?!

[Itonami]

Quote Originally posted by Hirosito:
what's malta?![/QUOTE]

I believe Toda, NinjaKilla, and AggonyGrizzly know the answer to that one http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/wink.gif. Oh and Tera does too, but hes not going to admit it.

[This message has been edited by Itonami (edited 08-25-2002).]

[Toda Nebuchadnezzar]

If you must know...Malta is a small island in the Mediterranean sea. It is an island that holds the key to the whole sea.

But also after this interesting fact... you must also know that Malta is so small it is roughly the exact same size as Itonami's p*nis. Yes thats right 1 inch long x 1/2 inch wide. But don't let that stop u enjoying all Malta has to offer.

Yay! for Malta http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif

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Jaguara-Spoken like a TRUE SPAMMER Toda!

No Fear Legend.

[This message has been edited by Toda Nebuchadnezzar (edited 08-25-2002).]

[Itonami]

Quote Originally posted by Toda Nebuchadnezzar:
If you must know...Malta is a small island in the Mediterranean sea. It is an island that holds the key to the whole sea.

But also after this interesting fact... you must also know that Malta is so small it is roughly the exact same size as Itomnai's p*nis. Yes thats right 1 inch long x 1/2 inch wide. But don't let that stop u enjoying all Malta has to offer.

Yay! for Malta http://www.totalwar.org/ubb/biggrin.gif

[/QUOTE]

My questions is, what were you doing looking at my p*nis? Oh wait, and its not 1x1/2 its much larger *checks to see how big malta is, doesnt say* Ok ill see how long it is later. *mutters to self* what in the hell is he looking at my penis for.......

[TenkiSoratoti]

i want the game i want the game i want the game, im having withdrawal symtoms daaaaah

*runs round room with speaker and hits head*

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"The good fighters of the old first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat, and then waited for an oppurtunity to defeat the enemy."